Евгений Сергеевич Мешков
Simple Truths of Life
Remembering all this, I realized that I fell in love with that blonde at first sight twice. Yes, it may seem strange, but it is a fact.
It was also very upsetting for me to know that they had a threesome. I saw this as a retribution for watching pornography, where threesome is a fairly common theme, and I sometimes watched such videos.
I also remembered the fact that I saw the little daughter who was going up the stairs in front of me one day. She rang to that same man’s apartment. With all these facts, I had no more questions. Out of curiosity I asked the found blonde girl whether she had ever been in my house, to which she said no. That was to be expected – the man hastened to call someone on the street, right after I asked his wife in the corridor about the blonde.
This was an important moment in my life. Not only did I not give up halfway, but I again found out that I needed to trust myself and not doubt that which I had ever seen, because I was right about the whole actual situation from the very beginning, when I talked with the man’s wife, but I allowed doubt to obscure logic and common sense in me.
I was upset that I continued to be lonely, but life went on, and I continued to go out every day for a walk. It helped me recover in health – a calm walk is good for us.
I very often began to see the woman in blue on the street. Usually, she did not pass nearby. As our paths crossed, I began to think more and more about her. I understood that a single girl would hardly get such a big dog that she had. Soon we began to see each other so often that simply passing by was somewhat not decent. I decided that the next time I saw her, I would definitely walk up to her and talk about something and try to find out if she was with someone.
The very next day I saw her with some man. While he was talking with his friend, she began to cross the tram tracks. The man followed her. She walked by, looking at me and smiling. I noted in my head that it was her husband – 99.9%. And I definitely did not want to torment myself because of 0.1%…
At that time, I had little success in other areas of my life too. So, I made an appointment with the dentist to try to fix my lateral tooth that had been making itself felt for many months, if not years.
During this period of my life, I began to notice one feature about myself which I simply called asymmetry. Some of my actions were almost the exact opposite of my thoughts. For example, I imagined having sex with different girls, but at the same time I really did not like that some people did it for one-night stand; I consider it immoral. Asymmetry was also present in my physical body. I remember how a teacher told me in high school that I was all asymmetrical. One of those asymmetries was on the bridge of my nose, and the other had to do with pupils of different diameters. But it never really bothered me, since it was always a part of me.
On the day I had to go to the dentist, I decided to take a walk not far from home. Usually walking calmed the rhythm of my heart and normalized my breathing, which also positively affected my psychological state.
Walking close to the tram tracks, I saw that same girl in blue with the dog. She walked in the very place where I saw her with the man some time ago. I looked at her and she saw it. At that very moment, she sharply looked around to see if a tram was driving, and then she with the dog began to quickly cross the tram tracks separating us. All this time I continued to walk forward. I heard her steps behind me and tried to prepare myself for a conversation that I thought would be inevitable, since I did not see any other reason why she had crossed the tracks so abruptly at the sight of me. But instead, she quickly walked past me to the lawn where she began to spin around with her dog. Because there was another woman next to her, I was too shy to approach her…
I had to wait a long time in line for the dentist. I was worried. The heart would not calm down. And then came my turn. I was not sure about local anesthesia, but nothing bad happened. As was shown in my old dream, caries extended too deeply. They had to remove the nerve, but managed to save the tooth, although a tooth pin had to be put.
All tooth filling procedures took several weeks, and then I got three more teeth filled.
After my first visit to the dentist, I began to wonder why the girl with the dog decided to go so abruptly in my direction. She could calmly walk to the lawn the way she originally walked. Moreover, that path was much safer, since there were tiles on the turn which were laying on the same level with the tram tracks. In the place where she decided to go, she had to step over the paths, as a result of which the risk of injury was much higher.
This is something that I learned about on my neck when in the frost I put my foot on the steel rail and the sudden slipping led my foot to the right so sharply that the transmitted impulse to my neck was felt for several minutes in the form of very severe pain. I was lucky that there was no fracture, and from that moment I either cross the tracks where the concrete blocks lie, or I do not step on the metal. Then, if for some reason she was afraid of me, she could go the other way, and not go behind me. Having all this data, I thought that maybe that man was her brother, and she just wanted to meet me, giving me such a peculiar hint.
I also thought about the reason for love at first sight. Then I began to often search on Google for everything that bothered and interested me. Love was no exception, and I was surprised to find out that some people do not believe that love at first sight exists. I thought they were skeptics, but maybe they do not believe that you can just fall in love with a person at first sight, and not become obsessed with him.
One way or another, I could not help but notice that exactly half my life had passed since I fell in love at first sight with another blonde, when I was 14 years old, and I was in the 9th grade. And the fact that it was playing “Half Life” that I gained lip asymmetry made me think even more strongly that there was a spiritual meaning behind all these events.
Reflecting on love at first sight, I came to the conclusion that, perhaps, both blonde girls played an important role in one of my past lives. Perhaps I loved them then, and, being in close physical proximity to them, remembered this love? Like the love for Natasha surging over me again with great force when my block was destroyed. Why then did not they fall in love with me at first sight? Perhaps they never loved me the way I loved them? In any case, this is only a theory, an attempt to find meaning in everything that happened…
It was about three in the afternoon when I went outside. Heavy snow started to fall, but it did not bother me. Suddenly I saw a familiar figure walking with a dog. Due to snowfall and severe darkness, I did not dare to approach the girl so as not to frighten her. In addition, she obviously turned her head away from me when she passed me. When I walked a bit further and turned around to look at her, she did the same.
It is worth saying that another reason why I did not get to know her then was the fact that I was paralyzed at the thought of meeting a girl. Once I did not take seriously the question of the girl playing basketball which hinted to me that I was really afraid of women. Now I could no longer lie to myself – I really felt fear, being next to the girl I liked, and with whom I wanted to talk.
There was a moment when I was passing near a house, and then there was a squeak of the opening door in the entrance. That same girl with a dog was coming out from there. It seemed to me that she wore a red winter hat under the hood. I said: “Hello!” – and she answered likewise, going further. I did not approach her.
Several weeks passed, and it was January 2017.
It was Friday the 13th when I again saw the young woman in blue. She went with her dog to the dog park. I realized then that this was a great chance for getting to meet her, and I could not miss it.
The young woman threw the dog’s toy too hard, and it flew over the fence. She went after it, and I thought to meet her at the gate to the dog park. But the woman went by a long way to another gate.
On the one hand, it was clear to me that she was not interested in talking with me, but on the other hand I could not just leave, as I had already done this more than once and bitterly regretted that I was weak when I needed to be strong. The second hand outweighed the first.
I went to the other entrance, took courage, took a breath, and said something like “Hello!” to the back of the woman. I think that she turned only after the second, louder greeting. It turned out that her hair was dyed dark-red. I explained to her that I lived nearby and decided to get to know her. She replied that she was very pleased. I told her my name, and she told me hers – Marina.
At that moment, I immediately remembered Marina with dark red hair, because of whom my mother had a big argument and broke up with my father! As a spiritual person, I knew that it was not just a coincidence that the first girl I met in this life face to face was called Marina, and she dyed her hair dark red.
A moment later, a man with a small dog approached the gate. He asked me if I wanted to go in and shut the gate. He and Marina began to talk, and she obviously did not pay any attention to me. Starting to feel heartache, I began to leave slowly and silently. After a few steps, I could not help but notice the laughing janitor. I realized that he saw absolutely everything and laughed at me. I started to feel even worse.
I came home completely dispirited.
Going to bed, I began to watch the stream from WELOVEGAMES.
I could not hold back the tears that evening, while other people had a good time. But I also saw a smoldering spark of joy within me. After all, for the first time in my life I did what I had to do half my life back when I was 14 years old – I approached to meet the girl I liked.
Chapter 8. Simple Truths
I think that because of the often-used imagination, I started to think again what if I left early? Perhaps she wanted to talk to me, but she just wanted to talk to her acquaintance first? Plus, I never found out if she had anyone. I decided to approach her again to answer my questions.
I did not have to wait too long near her house when she went out to walk the dog. She saw me and went the other way. I headed towards her, but she went to the sidewalk. I tried to call her, but she did not turn around and continued to walk forward. I must say, I do not know if I spoke loudly enough. My mother’s sister used to say that I was very quiet, and she did not hear what I was saying. The fact that it was hard for me to speak because of the still present fear did not help me either. The same can be said about the noisy road, near which we walked.
I do not remember how, but I finally caught up with her. We said hello. Since I was afraid of dogs, I asked if hers did not bite. I was a little surprised that Marina clearly emphasized that the dog might bite if someone attacks. Her intonation showed that she had a distrust of me. But why? After all, I recently met her, and she said that she was very pleased.
However, she willingly agreed to go with me.
We came to the dog park and started talking about different things. During the conversation, I saw that there were no rings on the fingers of her hands, and I thought that she was not married and single. Seeing how willingly she spoke to me, I thought that I would have a girlfriend. But just when I thought about it, she mentioned something about her husband. I expressed my surprise, and she, in turn, was surprised that I did not know. It turned out that the man with whom I saw her was indeed her husband for 13 years. She mentioned that they studied together after school, but did not date. He took her to him when he bought a motorcycle from her brother. I remembered it well, as I was somewhat surprised how easily some people can find their love.
This news subsequently influenced me, because before that I did not want to “just” meet with an unknown person. I needed a backstory, something unusual, and for this I needed to have acquaintances whom I no longer had. I think this was because in childhood I often fell in love with girls and because of this I did not think that you could find your love just by meeting people on the street; I did not understand that you can fall in love with one another just in the process of conversation.
I remember how she told me: “It’s so boring” – when I told her that I walked along the street almost every day. It was this very boredom that at one time served as the reason that I continued to use my imagination for wrong purposes. Had I known of another way to remove boredom, I could have already lived with a wife and children…
Marina and I had several similar things. For example, we both studied German at school, and learned English later. Then I mentioned that it is hard to meet people when you are 28 years old and many girls already have someone, to which she playfully answered with the question: “Not like at 15?” – I talked about my stuttering when I was fifteen years, and it turned out that her father also stuttered before.
She also mentioned the single mothers and the “exorcism” of stuttering. I told her about my knowledge regarding stuttering and its real nature, and as for single mothers – if they had somewhere written or shown that they were “single”, then perhaps I could indeed try to talk with them for a possible acquaintance. I do not know why she told me this.
I, in turn, very briefly mentioned to Marina about how I fell in love with the blonde girl. But as soon as I found out that she was sleeping with a married man, I stopped liking that girl as quickly as I fell in love with her. Marina said then: “Oh, Lord!” – when I spoke about the man cheating on his wife.
I do not remember how we said goodbye, but I remember that the other day I saw her at the dog park again. I already had all the answers to my questions, but decided to come over to say hello, because I wanted to keep her company, thinking that maybe she was bored.
She did not immediately turn to me again. But when she spoke, I again went inside the dog park.
She asked me if I knew some girl. Katya. I did not know her, but for some reason she insisted on the contrary. Then she asked if I went for a walk in Sokolniki Park and at the same time met the girls there. I could not at that time tell her the truth about my health and the reasons for such health. To walk to Sokolniki would be a real test for me at that time, since I felt not quite at ease even a few hundred meters from my house.
Our conversation was interrupted by a guy who came with his dog to the dog park. He introduced himself and greeted me. I did the same.
He and Marina began to talk, and Marina never once looked in my direction again. Not that it was very important, since she had a husband. The abundance of obscene language also did not force her to turn away from her interlocutor. And anyway, it did not seem that such speech was at all embarrassing for her. But my ears were slightly hurt, and this was so despite the fact that I myself often swear with bad words – one of the habits that I try to remove from my life.
I thought how to fit into the conversation, so as not to be silent. When they talked about a local car collector, I decided to ask a clarifying question. During the time that I was speaking, the guy had a clear shock and surprise on his face, and he glanced briefly in the direction of Marina, who, in turn, looked intently at him. I do not remember that she was smiling, but I perfectly understood what they were thinking at that moment. When leaving, the guy did not say goodbye to me, but just walked to the gate of the dog park while looking at the ground, and then left, leaving the fragile Marina with a stranger, whose facial expressions shocked many people.
But then I thought that if the asymmetry of my lip could be the cause of their reaction?
Marina and I walked together to her house and said goodbye. Since she was clearly not bored and lonely, I decided not to approach her anymore.
There was one moment when I was going home and our paths crossed – in fact, I specifically went so that they would cross, forgetting about my decision not to approach her – but when I was a few meters from her, she began to look around, obviously looking for where to “escape”. I decided not to torment her more than I had already tortured her with my existence, and only politely greeted her and walked by without stopping.
On another day, our paths crossed again. She obviously revolved around her dog so that her back was constantly turned towards me. I silently walked on. I was very hurt then, since I did not want her anything bad, but she did not even want to just say hello to me.
We saw each other a couple more times when she walked with her dog and some man. Then she greeted me first.
Then there was a recent case when she decided to go to another cash desk in a store at the sight of me paying for groceries.
I have seen her during other times, but I never came up to her again, since I respect the freedom of choice and will…
I clearly saw that one of the periods of my life came to an end, and it was time for a new one.
Therefore, I was not at all surprised by the fact that the two pigeons who had been flying to my windowsill for many years almost simultaneously stopped doing so soon after I met Marina. I realized that they were dead.
One of them flew to me when I had just found Thiaoouba Prophecy and needed help. His almost daily visits made my days brighter, helping to distract me from life’s burdens. And so, when I was able to start getting up face to face with the consequences of my mistakes, with reality, I no longer needed outside help. And if once upon a time I mourned the pigeon I was so used to, mistakenly thinking that he was dead, now I took his real death as something that had to happen. My feathered friend fulfilled his role in the Universe…
Although my experience with Marina had a lot of ridiculous moments because of my stiffness and lack of communication experience, it also showed me that nothing too terrible had happened. Moreover, she even tried to help me with advice.
Once I was walking in a park near a pond. I was in a cap, which I always wore then, as I was very shy to show my balding head. There was a girl sitting on one of the benches. I decided that I would try to get to know her. I sat on the next bench from her. My heart was pounding, and I could not attain the focus of attention. A myriad of thoughts spun in my head. Finally, I remembered that we live in the present, and I need to learn to get acquainted with girls now, and not in the future that will never come. Taking a deep breath, I sat down with her and… asked something stupid about why she was sitting on the bench and whether she was waiting for someone. She said she was waiting for a female friend. Then I started to say something else, and when she looked at me, she immediately told me: “Sit, sit,” and left. I did not understand what was the reason for such a sharp departure. I was embarrassed, and turning around I saw a guy looking at me; all this time he was sitting on a bench behind me.
I went to another place and sat down to think about what happened.
After standard self-flagellation and remembering all the mistakes I made, I finally managed to leave only the facts. I realized that, firstly, when I spoke, I had a distorted facial expression reflecting everything that was happening in my head, and secondly, I did not tell her that I wanted to get to know her. There was a chance that she simply did not understand what I wanted from her and thought that I wanted to drive her off the bench or something like that. Naturally, I just wanted to talk, and would leave if she asked me to.
In the case of facial expressions, I just needed to train myself to live in the present, which I tried to do so many times, but I would always withdraw into myself – into my thoughts and subsequent fantasies – when I remembered about problems with my appearance.
As for dating, I decided that instead of asking questions about something, you should immediately openly say that I want to get to know the person. Such honesty will save time for both me and the girls, and most certainly there will be no misunderstandings because of which I would later blame myself, thinking what if the girl would want to get acquainted with me if I talked about something else. There is only one truth.
I began to throw off my barriers in other areas as well.
For example, for the first time I decided to study in detail the porn sites that I often visited. It may seem strange, but in the length of all the years that I had the Internet, I just opened those websites in order to find a new girl I liked, do my thing, and go hate myself for my weakness of will and for breaking my own promises not to masturbate from now on. I found out that for some couples it was the job to film themselves having sex, upload videos to a porn site, and get percentages from the ads shown in the video. Something like freelancers, but only in porn. Eh, if only I had a girlfriend…
Due to poor health, I could not go far and walked in my area. I began to look for girls who could sit somewhere alone, in order to go up to them for acquaintance, but there were almost none of them.
I decided to try dating sites. It quickly became clear to me that without normal looks there is nothing to do there. And my spiritual experience and accumulated knowledge were of little interest to anyone. I decided that a direct physical acquaintance is the best option for me. Firstly, I could learn to speak and train myself to stop being afraid of girls and communication. Secondly, even if I met someone online, then during the meeting the girl might not like me, and we both would have lost our time in correspondence in vain. When meeting in nature, I would show myself as I was, and the girl could immediately understand whether she liked me or not. The same thing applies to me, of course.
Plus, I know a story when on a dating site a girl was being deceived by a woman for a long time, posing as a man. The liar was not shy about accepting gifts from the girl. Therefore, in any case I would try to make an appointment with the girl as soon as possible so as not to spend more time on scammers than necessary.
I also decided to look at sites for sex dating. I was looking thus for a way to overcome masturbation, thinking that it would be easy to find a girl for sex. Essentially, I returned to the state in which I was up to my decision ten years ago to lose my virginity to a prostitute. But here it also soon became clear that appearances decide a lot when several hundred men contest for one girl…
Around May 20, 2017 I walked at the Cherkizovsky pond. At the fountain I noticed a girl who was taking pictures of herself on the phone. I walked closer. She was not my type, but I thought it would be nice to just talk to her about something to train in communication. I asked her about the carnival which took place at the pond, and she readily answered. We continued the conversation and then went to sit on a bench.
We talked about what we did in life and talked about ourselves. She came from the eastern regions of Ukraine, where hostilities had been taking place.
In the process of further conversation, it became clear that we had several common themes.
We went for a walk along the boulevard. There I told her about Thiaoouba, as she said that she was interested in such things. It was pretty easy. And then I decided to honestly tell her about my experience with prostitution and other life things. It was also not at all difficult, since I did not have a particularly strong attraction to the girl and would not lose anything, but it was a chance to gain new knowledge, looking at what my honesty and directness would lead to. She took it all more than normal.
During the conversation, she mentioned that she was previously married, but then divorced. She also could not have children. She clearly blushed when she said this. On the one hand, I felt sorry for her, although I understood deep down that her barrenness was the punishment for a mistake in past lives. Alas, this fact also made my eyes light up a little, because I could not remove from my vulgarized head the thought that I could have sex with her without a condom and other means of preventing pregnancy. Suddenly the girl became more attractive…
I began to hint to her that we could meet some other day for a walk. And then she abruptly began to shake her head in different directions, saying that I was not her type. It was obvious that she could barely hold back a smile, if not a laugh, saying those words. She gave me her phone number, in case I wanted to meet to “have a coffee”, and her page in VK. We parted walking in different directions.
I remembered again that I was no longer a handsome guy. But what about the facial muscles? Did they also continue to show something strange? It seemed that I was quite relaxed… but I was not completely relaxed. On the one hand, it was a failure, but on the other, I had something to work on in my self-improvement – I still had the hope that if I start living completely here and now, when I need it, then maybe I can still find a girl and love. I also noted the mistake in my thinking when the girl said about her infertility, and I tried to remember it so that I would not do such things in the future.
But I also had one doubt. What if she did not want to date me because of my story, and not because of the appearance? I did not ask her for details since the story cannot be changed, and I still had to say the same thing to the other girls, looking for one who would understand that what is important is who the person is in the present, and not who he was in the past.
Also, I played video games for the last time that spring, starting to develop myself and not game characters. To do this, I would type every day in the search of an Internet browser a variety of questions to which I was looking the answers. For example, I could write why a girl turns away from me; best places for meeting people; or if anyone else had ever masturbated for more than 9 hours without a break. And I would find each time that someone had already asked a similar question before me and received an answer. Each time it made me feel better, as I began to see that I was not the only person on this planet who suffers for making mistakes – an obviousness that had been hidden behind my blocks and fantasies for many years.
This was the answer to the question why I yelled like crazy playing in Dark Souls. I saw in the depths of myself that I was wasting my time doing something that could not make my passing life any better. But I could not change anything at that time, since I did not have the necessary experience and knowledge for such a drastic change. Falling in love with the blonde girl was the catalyst for these changes.
On the night after meeting the girl from Ukraine, I had a second lucid dream. I wrote her about this, asking at the same time a couple more questions. She answered me after many days, but we did not communicate anymore.
I would like to write a little about my lucid dreams, since they play a quite important role in my life, and they also helped me in understanding of certain truths of the Universe.
In my first lucid dream, I rode the subway from Sokolniki to Preobrazhenskaya Ploshchad’. Then I for the first time gained control of my “body” in a dream, having the ability to consciously look around and move around. I saw that there were different buildings outside the train’s window. They were not very beautiful, with a straight wall that stood diagonally forward and upward about a meter closer to the top, and then again went upward perpendicular to the horizon. They reminded me of video games where society is ruled by a regime that controls everything and everyone, preventing the development of a normal architecture that does not put pressure on the human psyche. Then I noticed that the metro map was different from the real one too. All lines were strongly curved and not straight, as was the case on the real map. I began to try to remember the map and woke up. I did not remember the map, but decided to record my first lucid dream so as not to forget it.
Before telling about my second lucid dream, some things need to be mentioned. In early childhood, I watched “It” on TV. I was a little scared, but the last straw was the photograph of a blinking boy, after which I regretted watching this mini-series. In the preceding release of the new movie “It”, people on social networks began to talk about the clown monster again. Subsequently, I had a relatively bad dream, in which there were similar monsters with large heads and protruding teeth. In the dream, everything was pretty normal, until all the monsters looked at me at the same time in response to one of my thoughts – they were telepaths and knew everything that I was thinking about!
And so, in my second lucid dream, I found myself in our small village house when I gained control over my body. It was sunny outside. I tried to look around, and I was able to see the whole environment, as if it was real life. Then I realized that since this was a dream, it could have anything and anyone. I remembered the monster from the movie “It” and thought that if this monster was in my dream, I could not wake up right away, as happens in nightmares, since it was a lucid dream, and I already did not sleep, so to speak. I tried to wake up, concentrating on my physical body, which I knew was somewhere out there, and I actually could not wake up right away. A few seconds passed before I managed to wake up.
