Фредерик Марриет
Olla Podrida
“Why, you an’t jealous of a Nor-wester, are you?” replied Littlebrain. “I confess, I’m rather partial to them.”
“What! this to my face!—I’ll never come again, without you promise me that you will have nothing to do with them, and never call for one again. Be quick—I cannot stay more than two minutes; for it is hard work now, and we relieve quick—say the word.”
“Well, then,” replied Littlebrain, “you’ve no objection to half-and-half?”
“None in the world; that’s quite another thing, and has nothing to do with the wind.”
“It has, though,” thought Jack, “for it gets a man in the wind; but I won’t tell her so; and,” continued he, “you don’t mind a raw nip, do you?”
“No—I care for nothing except a Nor-wester.”
“I’ll never call for one again,” replied Jack; “it is but making my grog a little stronger; in future it shall be half-and-half.”
“That’s a dear! Now I’m off—don’t forget me;” and away went the wind in a great hurry.
It was about three months after this short visit, the fleet being off Corsica, that our hero was walking the deck, thinking that he soon should see the object of his affections, when a privateer brig was discovered at anchor a few miles from Bastia. The signal was made for the boats of the fleet to cut her out; and the Admiral, wishing that his nephew should distinguish himself somehow, gave him the command of one of the finest boats. Now Jack was as brave as brave could be; he did not know what danger was; he hadn’t wit enough to perceive it, and there was no doubt but he would distinguish himself. The boats went on the service. Jack was the very first on board, cheering his men as he darted into the closed ranks of his opponents. Whether it was that he did not think that his head was worth defending, or that he was too busy in breaking the heads of others to look after his own this is certain, that a tomahawk descended upon it with such force as to bury itself in his skull (and his was a thick skull too). The privateer’s men were overpowered by numbers, and then our hero was discovered, under a pile of bodies, still breathing heavily. He was hoisted on board, and taken into his uncle’s cabin: the surgeon shook his head when he had examined that of our hero.
“It must have been a most tremendous blow,” said he to the Admiral, “to have penetrated—”
“It must have been, indeed,” replied the Admiral, as the tears rolled down his cheeks; for he loved his nephew.
The surgeon having done all that his art would enable him, left the cabin to attend to the others who were hurt; the Admiral also went on the quarter-deck, walking to and fro for an hour in a melancholy mood. He returned to the cabin, and bent over his nephew; Jack opened his eyes.
“My dear fellow,” said the Admiral, “how’s your head now?”
“South West and by West three-quarters West,” faintly exclaimed our hero, constant in death, as he turned a little on one side and expired.
It was three days afterwards, as the fleet were on a wind, making for Malta, that the bell of the ship tolled, and a body, sewed up in a hammock and covered with the Union Jack, was carried to the gangway by the Admiral’s bargemen. It had been a dull cloudy day, with little wind; the hands were turned up, the officers and men stood uncovered; the Admiral in advance with his arms folded, as the chaplain read the funeral service over the body of our hero,—and as the service proceeded, the sails flapped, for the wind had shifted a little; a motion was made, by the hand of the officer of the watch, to the man at the helm to let the ship go off the wind, that the service might not be disturbed, and a mizzling soft rain descended. The wind had shifted to our hero’s much loved point, his fond mistress had come to mourn over the loss of her dearest, and the rain that descended were the tears which she shed at the death of her handsome but not over-gifted lover.
Chapter Forty Three
Ill-Will
Dramatis Personae.
Mr Cadaverous , An old miser, very rich and very ill.
Edward , A young lawyer without a brief.
Mr Haustus Gumarabic , Apothecary.
Seedy , Solicitor.
Thomas Montague, John Montague , Nephews to Mr Cadaverous.
James Sterling, William Sterling , nephews twice removed to Mr Cadaverous.
Clementina Montagu , Niece to Mr Cadaverous.
Mrs Jellybags, Housekeeper and nurse.
Act One
Scene.—A sick room.—Mr Cadaverous in an easy chair asleep, supported by cushions, wrapped up in his dressing-gown, a night-cap on his head.—A small table with phials, gallipots, etcetera.—Mrs Jellybags seated on a chair close to the table.
(Mrs Jellybags looks at Mr Cadaverous, and then comes forward.) He sleeps yet—the odious old miser! Mercy on me, how I do hate him,—almost as much as he loves his money! there’s one comfort, he cannot take his money-bags with him, and the doctor says that he cannot last much longer. Ten years have I been his slave—ten years have I been engaged to be married to Sergeant Major O’Callaghan of the Blues—ten years has he kept me waiting at the porch of Hymen,—and what thousands of couples have I seen enter during the time! Oh dear! its enough to drive a widow mad. I think I have managed it;—he has now quarrelled with all his relations, and Dr Gumarabic intends this day to suggest the propriety of his making his last will and testament. (Mr Cadaverous, still asleep, coughs.) He is waking, (Looks at him.) No, he is not. Well, then, I shall wake him, and give him a draught, for, after such a comfortable sleep as he is now in, he might last a whole week longer. (Goes up to Mr Cadaverous, and shakes him.)
Mr Cad. (starting up.) Ugh ugh! ugh! (coughs violently.) Oh! Mrs Jellybags, I’m so ill. Ugh! ugh!
Jel. My dear, dear sir! now don’t say so. I was in hopes, after such a nice long sleep you would have found yourself so much better.
Cad. Long sleep! oh dear!—I’m sure I’ve not slept ten minutes.
Jel. (aside.) I know that. (Aloud.) Indeed, my dear sir, you are mistaken. Time passes very quick when we are fast asleep. I have been watching you and keeping the flies off. But you must now take your draught, my dear sir, and your pill first.
Cad. What! more pills and more draughts! Why, there’s no end to them.
Jel. Yes, there will be, by and by, my dear sir. You know Doctor Gumarabic has ordered you take one pill and one draught every half hour.
Cad. And so I have—never missed one for the last six weeks—woke up for them day and night. I feel very weak—very weak, indeed! Don’t you think I might eat something, my dear Mrs Jellybags?
Jel. Eat, my dear Mr Cadaverous!—how can you ask me, when you know that Doctor Gumarabic says that it would be the death of you?
Cad. Only the wing of a chicken,—or a bit of the breast—
Jel. Impossible!
Cad. A bit of dry toast, then; any thing, my dear Mrs Jellybags. I’ve such a gnawing—Ugh! ugh!
Jel. My dear sir, you would die if you swallowed the least thing that’s nourishing.
Cad. I’m sure I shall die if I do not. Well, then, a little soup—I should like that very much indeed.
Jel. Soup! it would be poison, my dear sir! No, no. You must take your pill and your draught.
Cad. Oh dear! oh dear!—Forty-eight pills and forty-eight draughts every twenty-four hours!—not a wink of sleep day or night.
Jel. (soothingly.) But it’s to make you well, you know, my dear Mr Cadaverous. Come, now. (Hands him a pill and some water in a tumbler.)
Cad. The last one is hardly down yet;—I feel it sticking half-way. Ugh! ugh!
Jel. Then wash them both down at once. Come, now, ’tis to make you well, you know.
Cadaverous takes the pill with a wry face, and coughs it up again.
Cad. Ugh! ugh! There—it’s up again. Oh dear! oh dear!
Jel. You must take it, my dear sir. Come, now, try again.
Cad. (coughing.) My cough is so bad. (Takes the pill.) Oh, my poor head! Now I’ll lie down again.
Jel. Not yet, my dear Mr Cadaverous. You must take your draught;—it’s to make you well, you know.
Cad. What! another draught? I’m sure I must have twenty draughts in my inside, besides two boxes of pills!
Jel. Come, now—it will be down in a minute.
(Cadaverous takes the wine-glass in his hand, and looks at it with abhorrence.)
Jel. Come, now.
(Cadaverous swallows the draught, and feels very sick, puts his handkerchief to his mouth, and, after a time, sinks back in the chair quite exhausted, and shuts his eyes.)
Jel. (aside.) I wish the doctor would come. It’s high time that he made his will.
Cad. (drawing up his leg.) Oh! oh! oh!
Jel. What’s the matter, my dear Mr Cadaverous.
Cad. Oh! such pain!—oh! rub it, Mrs Jellybags.
Jel. What, here, my dear sir? (Rubs his knee.)
Cad. No, no!—Not there!—Oh, my hip!
Jel. What, here? (Rubs his hip.)
Cad. No, no!—higher—higher! Oh, my side!
Jel. What, here? (Rubs his side.)
Cad. No!—lower!
Jel. Here? (Rubbing.)
Cad. No!—higher!—Oh, my chest!—my stomach! Oh dear!—oh dear!
Jel. Are you better now, my dear sir?
Cad. Oh dear! oh! I do believe that I shall die! I’ve been a very wicked man, I’m afraid.
Jel. Don’t say so, Mr Cadaverous. Every one but your nephews and nieces say that you are the best man in the world.
Cad. Do they? I was afraid that I had not been quite so good as they think I am.
Jel. I’d like to hear any one say to the contrary. I’d tear their eyes out,—that I would.
Cad. You are a good woman, Mrs Jellybags; and I shall not forget you in my will.
Jel. Don’t mention wills, my dear sir. You make me so miserable. (Puts her handkerchief to her eyes.)
Cad. Don’t cry, Mrs Jellybags. I won’t talk any more about it. (Sinks back exhausted.)
Jel. (wiping her eyes.) Here comes Dr Gumarabic.
Enter Gumarabic
Gum. Good morning, Mistress Jellybags. Well, how’s our patient?—better?—heh?
(Mrs Jellybags shakes her head.)
Gum. No: well, that’s odd. (Goes up to Mr Cadaverous.) Not better, my dear sir?—don’t you feel stronger?
Cad. (faintly.) Oh, no!
Gum. Not stronger! Let us feel the pulse. (Mrs Jellybags hands a chair, and Gumarabic sits down, pulls out his watch, and counts.) Intermittent—135—well, now—that’s very odd! Mrs Jellybags, have you adhered punctually to my prescriptions?
Jel. Oh yes, sir, exactly.
Gum. He has eaten nothing?
Cad. Nothing at all.
Gum. And don’t feel stronger? Odd—very odd! Pray, has he had any thing in the way of drink? Come, Mrs Jellybags, no disguise,—tell the truth;—no soup—warm jelly—heh?
Jel. No, sir; upon my word, he has had nothing.
Gum. Humph?—and yet feels no stronger? Well, that’s odd!—Has he taken the pill every half-hour?
Jel. Yes, sir, regularly.
Gum. And feels no better! Are you sure that he has had his draught with his pill?
Jel. Every time, sir.
Gum. And feels no better! Well, that’s odd!—very odd, indeed! (Rises and comes forward with Mrs Jellybags.) We must throw in some more draughts, Mrs Jellybags; there is no time to be lost.
Jel. I am afraid he’s much worse, sir.
Gum. I am not at all afraid of it, Mrs Jellybags,—I am sure of it;—it’s very odd,—but the fact is, that all the physic in the world won’t save him; but still he must take it,—because—physic was made to be taken.
Jel. Very true, sir. (Whispers to Gumarabic.)
Gum. Ah! yes;—very proper. (Going to Mr Cadaverous.) My dear sir, I have done my best; nevertheless, you are ill,—very ill,—which is odd,—very odd! It is not pleasant,—I may say, very unpleasant,—but if you have any little worldly affairs to settle,—will to make,—or a codocil to add, in favour of your good nurse, your doctor, or so on,—it might be as well to send for your lawyer;—there is no saying, but, during my practice, I have sometimes found that people die. After all the physic you have taken, it certainly is odd—very odd—very odd, indeed;—but you might die to-morrow.
Cad. Oh dear!—I’m very ill.
Jel. (sobbing.) Oh dear! oh dear!—he’s very ill.
Gum. (comes forward, shrugging up his shoulders.) Yes; he is ill—very ill;—to-morrow, dead as mutton! At all events he has not died for want of physic. We must throw in some more draughts immediately;—no time to be lost. Life is short,—but my bill will be long—very long!
(Exit as scene closes.)
Act 2
Scene 1 .—Enter Clementina, with a letter in her hand.
Clem. I have just received a letter from my dear Edward: he knows of my uncle’s danger, and is anxious to see me. I expect him immediately. I hope he will not be seen by Mrs Jellybags as he comes in, for she would try to make more mischief than than she has already. Dear Edward! how he loves me! (Kisses the letter.)
Enter Edward
Edw. My lovely, my beautiful, my adored Clementina! I have called upon Mr Gumarabic, who tells me that your uncle cannot live through the twenty-four hours, and I have flown here, my sweetest, dearest, to—to—
Clem. To see me, Edward: surely there needs no excuse for coming?
Edw. To reiterate my ardent, pure, and unchangeable affection, my dearest Clementina to assure you, that in sickness or in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, as they say in the marriage ceremony, I am yours till death us do part.
Clem. I accept the vow, dearest Edward. You know too well my heart for me to say more.
Edw. I do know your heart, Clementina, as it is,—nor do I think it possible that you could change;—still, sometimes—that is for a moment when I call to mind that, by your uncle’s death, as his favourite niece, living with him for so many years, you may soon find yourself in possession of thousands,—and that titled men may lay their coronets at your feet,—then, Clementina—
Clem. Ungenerous and unkind!—Edward, I almost hate you. Is a little money, then, to sway my affections? Shame, Edward, shame on you! Is such your opinion of my constancy? (Weeps.) You must judge me by your own heart.
Edw. Clementina! dearest Clementina!—I did!—but rather—that is,—I was not in earnest;—but when we value any object as I value you,—it may be forgiven, if I feel at times a little jealous;—yes, dearest, jealous!
Clem. ’Twas jealousy then, Edward, which made you so unkind? Well, then, I can forgive that.
Edw. Nothing but jealousy, dearest! I cannot help, at times, representing you surrounded by noble admirers,—all of them suing to you,—not for yourself, but for your money, tempting you with their rank;—and it makes me jealous, horribly jealous! I cannot compete with lords, Clementina,—a poor barrister without a brief.
Clem. I have loved you for yourself, Edward. I trust you have done the same toward me.
Edw. Yes; upon my soul, my Clementina!
Clem. Then my uncle’s disposition of his property will make no difference in me. For your sake, my dear Edward, I hope he will not forget me. What’s that? Mrs Jellybags is coming out of the room. Haste, Edward;—you must not be seen here. Away, dearest!—and may God bless you.
Edw. (kisses her hand.) Heaven preserve my adored, my matchless, ever-to-be-loved Clementina.
(Exeunt separately.)
Scene 2 .—The sick room—Mr Cadaverous, lying on sofa-bed—Mr Seedy, the lawyer, sitting by his side, with papers on the table before him.
Seedy . I believe now, sir, that every thing is arranged in your will according to your instructions. Shall I read it over again; for although signed and witnessed, you may make any alteration you please by a codicil.
Cad. No, no. You have read it twice, Mr Seedy, and you may leave me now. I am ill, very ill, and wish to be alone.
Seedy (folds up his papers and rises.) I take my leave, Mr Cadaverous, trusting to be long employed as your solicitor.
Cad. Afraid not, Mr Seedy. Lawyers have no great interest in heaven. Your being my solicitor will not help me there.
Seedy (coming forward as he goes out.) Not a sixpence to his legal adviser! Well, well! I know how to make out a bill for the executors.
(Exit Seedy, and enter Mrs Jellybags.)
Jel. (with her handkerchief to her eyes.) Oh dear! oh dear! oh, Mr Cadaverous, how can you fatigue and annoy yourself with such things as wills?
Cad. (faintly.) Don’t cry, Mrs Jellybags. I’ve not forgotten you.
Jel. (sobbing.) I can’t—help—crying. And there’s Miss Clementina,—now that you are dying,—who insists upon coming in to see you.
Cad. Clementina, my niece, let her come in, Mrs Jellybags; I feel I’m going fast,—I may as well take leave of every body.
Jel. (sobbing.) Oh dear! oh dear! You may come in, Miss.
Enter Clementina
Clem. My dear uncle, why have you, for so many days, refused me admittance? Every morning have I asked to be allowed to come and nurse you, and for more than three weeks have received a positive refusal.
Cad. Refusal! Why I never had a message from you.
Clem. No message! Every day I have sent, and every day did Mrs Jellybags reply that you would not see me.
Cad. (faintly.) Mrs Jellybags,—Mrs Jellybags—
Clem. Yes, uncle; it is true as I stand here;—and my brother Thomas has called almost every day, and John every Sunday, the only day he can leave the banking-house; and cousins William and James have both been here very often.
Cad. Nobody told me! I thought every one had forgotten me. Why was I not informed, Mrs Jellybags?
Jel. (in a rage.) Why, you little, story-telling creature, coming here to impose upon your good uncle! You know that no one has been here—not a soul;—and as for yourself, you have been too busy looking after a certain gentleman ever to think of your poor uncle;—that you have;—taking advantage of his illness to behave in so indecorous a manner. I would have told him every thing, but I was afraid of making him worse.
Clem. You are a false, wicked woman!
Jel. Little impudent creature,—trying to make mischief between me and my kind master, but it won’t do. (To Clementina aside.) The will is signed, and I’ll take care he does not alter it;—so do your worst.
Cad. (faintly.) Give me the mixture, Mrs —
Clem. I will, dear uncle. (Pours out the restorative mixture in a glass.)
Jel. (going back.) You will, Miss,—indeed! but you shan’t.
Clem. Be quiet, Mrs Jellybags;—allow me at least to do something for my poor uncle.
Clem. Give me the mix—
Jel. (prevents Clementina from giving it, and tries to take it from her.) You shan’t, Miss!—You never shall.
Cad. Give me the —
(Mrs Jellybags and Clementina scuffle, at last Clementina throws the contents of the glass into Mrs Jellybags’s face.)
Clem. There, then!—since you will have it.
Jel. (in a rage.) You little minx!—I’ll be revenged for that. Wait a little till the will is read,—that’s all;—See if I don’t bundle you out of doors,—that I will.
Clem. As you please, Mrs Jellybags; but pray give my poor uncle his restorative mixture.
Jel. To please you?—Not I! I’ll not give him a drop till I think proper. Little, infamous, good-for-nothing—
Cad. Give me—oh!
Jel. Saucy—man-seeking—
Clem. Oh! as for that, Mrs Jellybags, the big sergeant was here last night—I know that. Talk of men indeed!
Jel. Very well, Miss!—very well! Stop till the breath is out of your uncle’s body—and I’ll beat you till your’s is also.
Cad. Give—oh!
Clem. My poor uncle! He will have no help till I leave the room—I must go. Infamous woman! Exit.
Cad. Oh!
Jel. I’m in such a rage!—I could tear her to pieces!—the little!—the gnat! Oh, I’ll be revenged! Stop till the will is read, and then I’ll turn her out into the streets to starve. Yes! yes! the will!—the will! (Pauses and pants for breath.) Now, I recollect the old fellow called for his mixture. I must go and get some mere. I’ll teach her to throw physic in my face.
(Goes out and returns with a phial—pours out a portion, and goes up to Mr Cadaverous.)
Jel. Here, my dear Mr Cadaverous. Mercy on me!—Mr Cadaverous!—why, he’s fainted!—Mr Cadaverous! (Screams.) Lord help us!—why, he’s dead! Well now, this sort of thing does give one a shock, even when one has longed for it. Yes, he’s quite dead! (Coming forward.) So, there’s an end of all his troubles—and, thank Heaven! of mine also. Now for Sergeant-major O’Callaghan, and—love! Now for Miss Clementina, and—revenge? But first the will!—the will!
Curtain drops
Act 3
Mrs Jellybags
Oh dear!—this is a very long morning. I feel such suspense—such anxiety; and poor Sergeant-major O’Callaghan is quite in a perspiration! He is drinking and smoking down in the kitchen to pass away the time, and if the lawyer don’t come soon, the dear man will be quite fuddled. He talks of buying a farm in the country. Well, we shall see; but if the Sergeant thinks that he will make ducks and drakes of my money, he is mistaken. I have not been three times a widow for nothing—I will have it all settled upon myself; that must and shall be, or else—no Sergeant O’Callaghan for me!
Enter Clementina
So, here you are, Miss. We’ll wait till the will is read, and then we shall see who is mistress here.
Clem. I am as anxious as you, Mrs Jellybags. You may have wheedled my poor uncle to make up the will in your favour; if so, depend upon it, I shall expect nothing from your hands.
Jel. I should rather think not, Miss. If I recollect right, you threw the carminative mixture in my face.
Clem. And made you blush for the first time in your life.
Jel. I shall not blush to slam the door in your face.
Clem. Rather than be indebted to you, I would beg my bread from door to door.
Jel. I expect that you very soon will.
Enter Edward
Edw. My dearest Clementina, I have come to support you on this trying occasion.
Jel. And ascertain how matters stand, before you decide upon marrying, I presume, Mr Edward.
Edw. Madam, I am above all pecuniary considerations.
Jel. So everybody says, when they think themselves sure of money.
Edw. You judge of others by yourself.
Jel. Perhaps I do—I certainly do expect to be rewarded for my long and faithful services.
Clem. Do not waste words upon her, my dear.—You have my solemn promise; nothing shall change my feeling towards you.
Jel. That may be; but did it never occur to you, Miss, that the gentleman’s feelings might alter?
Edw. Detestable wretch!
(Hands Clementina to a chair on the right, and sits by her. Enter Nephews John, Thomas, William, and James, all with white pocket-handkerchiefs in their hands—they take their seats two right and two left.)
Jel. (aside.) Here they all come, like crows that smell carrion. How odious is the selfishness of this world! But here is Mr Gumarabic. How do you do, Sir? (Curtsies with a grave air.)
Gum. Very well, I thank you, Mrs Jellybags. Can’t say the—same of all my patients. Just happened to pass by—thought I would step in and hear the will read—odd, that I should pop in at the time—very odd. Pray, may I ask, my dear Mrs Jellybags, were you present at the making of the will?
Jel. No, my dear sir; my nerves would not permit me.
Gum. Nerves!—odd, very odd! Then you don’t know how things are settled?
Jel. No more than the man in the moon, my dear sir.
Gum. Man in the moon!—odd comparison that from a woman!—very odd! Hope my chance won’t prove all moonshine.
Jel. I should think not, my dear sir; but here comes Mr Seedy, and we shall know all about it.
(Enter Mr Seedy—Mrs Jellybags, all courtesy, waves her hand to a chair in the centre, with a table before it. Mr Seedy sits down, pulls the will out of his pocket, lays it on the table, takes out his snuff-box, takes a pinch, then his handkerchief, blows his nose, snuffs the candles, takes his spectacles from his waistcoat pocket, puts them on, breaks the seals, and bows to the company: Mrs Jellybags has taken her seat on the left next to him, and Dr Gumarabic by her side. Mrs Jellybags sobs very loud, with her handkerchief to her face.)
Seedy . Silence, if you please.
(Mrs Jellybags stops sobbing immediately.)
Edw. (putting his arm round Clementina’s waist.) My dearest Clementina!
(Mr Seedy hems twice, and then reads,—)
“The last Will and Testament of Christopher Cadaverous, Gentleman, of Copse horton, in the County of Cumberland.
“I, Christopher Cadaverous, being at this time in sound mind, do hereby make my last will and testament.
“First, I pray that I may be forgiven all my manifold sins and wickedness, and I do beg forgiveness of all those whom I may have injured unintentionally or otherwise; and at the same time do pardon all those who may have done me wrong, even to John Jones, the turnpike man, who unjustly made me pay the threepenny toll twice over on Easter last, when I went up to receive my dividends.
“My property, personal and real, I devise to my two friends, Solomon Lazarus, residing at Number 3, Lower Thames-street, and Hezekiah Flint, residing at Number 16, Lothbury, to have and to hold for the following uses and purposes:—
“First, to my dearly beloved niece, Clementina Montagu, I leave the sum of one hundred and fifty pounds, three and a half per cent consols, for her sole use and benefit, to be made over to her, both principal and interest, on the day of her marriage.” (Edward withdraws his arm from Clementina’s waist—turns half round from her, and falls back in his chair with a pish!)
“To my nephew, Thomas Montagu, I leave the sum of nineteen pounds nineteen shilling and sixpence—having deducted the other sixpence to avoid the legacy duty.”
(Thomas turns from the lawyer with his face to the front of the stage; crossing his legs.)
“To my nephew, John Montagu, I leave also the sum of nineteen pounds nineteen shillings and sixpence.”
(John turns away in the same manner.)
“To my nephew, once removed, James Stirling, I leave the sum of five pounds to purchase a suit of mourning.”
(James turns away as the others.)
“To my nephew, once removed, William Stirling, I leave the sum of five pounds to purchase a suit of mourning.”
(William turns away as the others.)
“To my kind and affectionate housekeeper, Mrs Martha Jellybags—”
(Mrs Jellybags sobs loudly, and cries “Oh dear! Oh dear!”)
Mr Seedy. Silence, if you please. (Reads.)
“In return for all her attention to me during my illness, and her ten years’ service, I leave the whole of my—”
(Mr Seedy having come to the bottom of the page lays down the will, takes out his snuff-box, takes a pinch, blows his nose, snuffs the candles, and proceeds.)
“I leave the whole of my wardrobe, for her entire use and disposal; and also my silver watch with my key and seal hanging to it.
“And having thus provided for—”
(Mrs Jellybags, who has been listening attentively, interrupts Mr Seedy in great agitation.)
Jel. Will you be pleased to read that part over again?
Seedy . Certainly, ma’am. “I leave the whole of my wardrobe, and also my silver watch, with the key and seal hanging to it.”
(Mrs Jellybags screams, and falls back in a swoon on her chair—no one assists her.)
“And having thus provided for all my relations, I do hereby devise the rest of my property to the said Solomon Lazarus and Hezekiah Flint, to have and to hold for the building and endowment of an hospital for diseases of the heart, lights, liver, and spleen, as set off by the provisions in the schedule annexed to my will as part and codicil to it.”
Seedy . Would the relations like me to read the provisions?
Omnes . No! no! no!
(Mr Seedy is about to fold up the papers.)
Gum. I beg your pardon, sir, but is there no other codicil?
Seedy . I beg your pardon, Mr Gumarabic, I recollect now there is one relative to you.
Gum. (nods his head.) I thought so.
(Seedy reads.)
“And whereas I consider that my apothecary, Mr Haustus Gumarabic, hath sent in much unnecessary physic, during my long illness—it is my earnest request that my executors will not fail to tax his bill.”
Gum. (rises and comes forward.) Tax my bill!—well that is odd, very odd! I may as well go and look after my patients. (Exit.)
(James and William come forward.)
James . I say, Bill, how are you off for a suit of mourning?
Will. Thanky for nothing, Jem. If the old gentleman don’t go to heaven until I put it on, he will be in a very bad way. Come along, it’s no use staying here.
(John and Thomas come forward.)
John . I say, Tom, how are you off for nineteen pounds nineteen and six? Heh!
Thos. Let’s toss and see which shall have both legacies. Here goes—heads or tails?
John . Woman for ever.
Thos. You’ve won, so there’s an end of not only my expectations but realities. Come along, Mrs Jellybags must be anxious to look over her wardrobe.
John . Yes, and also the silver watch and the key and seal hanging to it. Good bye, Jemmy! Ha! ha!
(Exeunt, laughing.)
Clem. For shame, John. (Turns to Edward.) My dear Edward, do not appear so downcast. I acknowledge that I am myself much mortified and disappointed—but we must submit to circumstances. What did I tell you before this will was read?—that nothing could alter my feelings towards you, did I not?
Edw. (with indifference.) Yes.
Clem. Why then annoy yourself, my dear Edward?
Edw. The confounded old junks!
Clem. Nay, Edward, recollect that he is dead—I can forgive him.
Edw. But I won’t. Has he not dashed my cup of bliss to the ground? Heavens! what delightful anticipations I had formed of possessing you and competence—all gone!
Clem. All gone, dear Edward?
(Mrs Jellybags, who has been sitting very still, takes her handkerchief from her eyes and listens.)
Edw. Yes, gone!—gone for ever! Do you imagine, my ever dear Clementina, that I would be so base, so cruel, so regardless of you and your welfare, to entrap you into marriage with only one hundred and fifty pounds! No, no!—judge me better. I sacrifice myself—my happiness—all for you!—banish myself from your dear presence, and retire to pass the remainder of my existence in misery and regret, maddened with the feeling that some happier mortal will obtain that dear hand, and will rejoice in the possession of those charms which I had too fondly, too credulously, imagined as certain to be mine.
(Takes out his handkerchief and covers his face; Clementina also puts her handkerchief to her face and weeps. Mrs Jellybags nods her head ironically.)
Clem. Edward!
Edw. My dear, dear Clementina!
Clem. You won’t have me?
Edw. My honour forbids it. If you knew my feelings—how this poor heart is racked!
