Владарг Дельсат
Finding the Ground Beneath the Feet
Fix the legs
I probably would have been very scared if Herman hadn’t prepared me in advance. I could see how worried he was and how scared he was, but my fiancé was smiling because ’hooray’. Soon, I would be taken to a place where I would sleep, and in the meantime, the kind doctor would fix my legs so that I could walk. Not right away, later, but it would happen! Soon, I would be able to walk! By myself! With my own legs!
Herman hugged me when they came to move me when they injected me and put the mask on. He walked with me all the way to the big white doors, and I fell asleep looking into his impossible, magical eyes. He was looking at me so affectionately, promising that he would wait; it didn’t make me feel scared at all, just sleepy.
«Come back soon, love,» my fiancé told me.
He… he called me «love’, so it was not just for fun, was it? Did that mean I really had him? And I fell asleep happily. I dreamed about walking and swimming together with him and also dancing. I once saw such a beautiful dance on TV: a boy was spinning a girl around and she was laughing so happily… I’m going to do that, too!
Herman, despite all the persuasions, could not sit still: he looked into the eyes of every doctor who came out of the surgery suite. And everyone, everyone told the boy that everything was going to be alright. The adults, the men in green clothes who were in a hurry, stopped to support the boy who was almost crying.
«Don’t worry, lad, everything will be alright,» another doctor smiled at him, «Your girl will live, walk, maybe even run.»
«What if…» whispered Herman Stiller, «What if something happens?»
«Don’t think about bad things, boy, you mustn’t,» the doctor explained to him seriously, «You have to believe that everything will be alright.»
«I… I will!» the boy exclaimed.
His mother hugged him, smiling sadly. And the doctor hurried on, thinking of how many of those there were: for whom the surgery suite was the last hope.
The operation was over, Rie was moved to the intensive care unit which was a regular thing, and Herman was allowed to see her immediately, so he could make sure his girl was alive. Every day Rie became closer to the boy, like a hand, for example; he just couldn’t imagine being separated from her. Both his mother and father understood that. After all, the girl loved him in a way that happened only in fairytales.
Then, I opened my eyes, and there was Herman. He was caressing me and saying something in a quiet voice, but I could hear it anyway. Because I wasn’t dreaming – he was calling me his love and his dearest. I immediately became so happy, it was just impossible to tell how much! So I smiled at Herman, at my mother, at my father, at the doctor, and even at the lady… I couldn’t get up, but I wouldn’t lie down without my fiancé, and I got ready to cry. The kind doctor stroked me and said it was okay. And I understood what «okay’ meant only when they took me away from… this… well, where I was lying and put me into the bed, and they immediately made a bed for Herman near me, so that I wouldn’t cry.
It turned out that I was very, very important here too. That surprised me so much that I asked again, and the lady nurse smiled and caressed me. Was that an answer?
«That’s the answer, love,» my boy explained to me. «You are very important because it is you.»
«I love you,» I told him because I did, «You’re the best!»
«My miracle,» my fiancé smiled. «You’re mine, and I won’t give you to anyone else.»
«Don’t give me to anyone, please,» I asked him.
He promised he would never do that, and I became very happy again. Because I had Herman. And he had me. And we also had Mummy and Daddy, they were the best and would never betray us… I believed…
It healed well, the doctor said, because they put a special machine on my feet, but I didn’t remember its name. And Herman said I couldn’t look at my feet yet, and I didn’t because I was very obedient, just very, even my fiancé said I was obedient and sweet and also beloved. He started telling me that a lot which made my chest swell and I wanted to smile more and more.
Somehow, suddenly I stopped being a crybaby… Maybe it was because I was going to walk? I knew that because Herman said so. And when my legs healed, I had to have a massage and Herman caressed me; it felt so good, just to the point of purring, right. One day, I found that I had hair growing «there’ and I was very scared. I asked Mum why it was growing, and Mum smiled, saying that I was getting ready to be a young lady.
«Herman, is that good or bad?» I immediately asked my fiancé.
He was a little confused, but then he said it was okay. We were not shy with each other anyway, even though we were growing up, because we were family. Well, I think so, and Herman just smiled and told me how good I was. He was the real miracle of my life. I guess I live because I have him.
«Do your legs hurt?» Dr. Marconi asked me, and I honestly told him that they did. He scolded me again because I didn’t tell him right away but very gently, I didn’t even feel like crying. «You’ll be fine, you’ll be able to walk.»
Two weeks went by, and one day, they showed me my legs which didn’t hurt. There were scars on them, but that was okay because Herman liked everything, and that’s the most important thing. Now I needed to be massaged and trained, and then… Then one day, I could stand up. On my own! I would stand and hold my Herman like in a dream because he was my miracle. The most wonderful miracle in the world. I was happy.
We were leaving, but I didn’t cry because I knew I would walk, I would definitely walk. And also dance, because the good Dr. Marconi had fixed my legs. Wasn’t that a blessing? Right. And Herman, he was probably even happier than me because we had each other and would always do. Both Daddy and Mummy agreed that it would always be like this because it was Herman!
* * *
Winter flew by and then, one beautiful day… Very beautiful, no doubt about it, something happened that I remembered forever. I was lifted to my feet! I stood holding on to Herman and I cried. I was just weeping, I didn’t know why, because Herman was holding me and I was hugging him, almost hanging on him, and crying. Everything around me was so frightening because I felt very, very high, unusually.
«My little girl, my miracle,» my Herman whispered to me.
He understood. How could it be otherwise, it was Herman, after all! I couldn’t believe I was standing… Too bad it wasn’t for long, but the most important thing was that I could stand! I! Could! Stand!
«Good girl, sweetheart,» Daddy caressed me, «You’re going to do great!»
And Mummy cried with me. She was happy too.
I had long forgotten that Daddy and Mummy weren’t my real family because they really were. They loved me so much! I had never imagined it was possible to love them so much. Sometimes I thought I loved Herman less, but Mummy said it was different because I was their little daughter. How much tenderness is in that single word! Probably not everyone will be able to understand it because there are girls who are used to having a mummy and daddy who love them as if there were only a daughter or son in the world, but I… It was a miracle, just believe me, a real miracle…
It wasn’t long before I could stand for a whole minute. But then, one day I suddenly felt sad. Somehow I felt sad and empty, I thought I would never be able to walk again, and that I was dreaming all that. And then I saw in my dream that I was Mariana again and I was being beaten again, only not my bottom but… somewhere else. It hurt so much that I screamed and opened my eyes, but it was as if the dream had come with me: I pissed myself with something dark and I was terrified and… I don’t remember.
I woke up in some panties, some strange kind of panties. Herman hugged me, and Mummy caressed my head. As soon as I woke up, they gave me a pill and told me it would go away. It turned out that I had me-nar-che17. I didn’t understand at first what it was and why it hurt so much, but Mommy explained that all girls get this once a month and it meant I was getting better. Because a girl becomes a whole girl, getting ready to make a baby. True, it was still a long way to wait for the baby, but now I had to learn not to be scared of blood «from there’. Turned out I scared Herman a lot with my screaming, so I apologized for a long time.
«I’m sorry, I’m sorry,» I hugged my fiancé because I was really scared.
«It’s all right, my little one.»
Herman was very pale, but he wasn’t angry with me. I didn’t know why.
«I didn’t do it on purpose,» I told him.
My fiancé laughed, and Mummy laughed too, and Daddy smiled after that too. That meant they were not angry at me, I even asked Daddy.
«It’s normal to menstruate, sweetheart,» Daddy answered and smiled again. «You have nothing to apologize for, no one is angry with you for that.»
«Don’t you believe me?» Herman pretended to be offended, but I heard a smile in his voice, and when someone is offended, one cries, not smiles.
And I smiled too…
For five days, «there’ and my tummy hurt, but the pills helped, so I tried not to cry, and I was praised and hugged. Then it was over, Herman washed me because I was afraid to touch «there’, and then Mommy came and told me about the pads because I couldn’t use tampons, and as for pads, they stick to panties and drink the blood that pours out of me. But it was no big deal because all girls have it, so I didn’t have to be afraid. And I wasn’t afraid because Mummy said so. That’s why I was smiling. And Mummy told me how to properly take care of myself and how to wash because I would walk and I would need it. For sure!
Rehabilitation
I wish I could say I just got up and walked, but it wasn’t that easy. First, there was gymnastics. There are two kinds: passive and active. Passive is when my legs are moved and I do nothing. Herman lifted my legs and it was painful at first, not too much, but still because they lost the habit… And massage… they had to massage forcefully so that something didn’t stagnate there, I don’t remember what. Every day, Herman massaged me, and Daddy did too, but Mommy didn’t because it was hard. And then the active gymnastics started…
«I’m tired. May I just stay in the wheelchair?» I almost cried, but Herman tried to encourage me.
«You can’t give up, love,» he whispered to me and kissed me so softly and gently that it gave me strength. «Let’s try again, shall we?»
«I can’t go on,» I whimpered like a little girl when I had no strength left, but my fiancé… I felt so lucky to have him!
«One more time and then I’ll massage you,» he promised me, and he always kept his promises.
My muscles resisted and ached so much that I cried. But it was very necessary. If it hadn’t been for Herman, I would have given up, even Mummy and Daddy wouldn’t have helped, I guess. He somehow found words and kissed me… And once he even kissed me on the lips, and I felt so happy…
It was still very hard. It took me about three months to stand up and take my first step. Healthy girls might not understand, but it was the first step! The very first one, and I did it! My Herman held my hands in his hands and my daddy had my back and I… I did it! It may have been a small first step, but I understood I’d walk! Do you hear that, people? I would be walking!
And then, I had to walk forward, but I already knew I could, so I walked. Step by step, holding my fiancé’s hands. And Mummy cried when she saw me walking. I cried, too. At first, I cried over happiness, over the fact that I could do it. Later, over fatigue, over the pain, and the weight… But Herman helped me walk. Again, he was trying to calm me down, looking for the right words…
«I love you,» I told him and almost fell down.
But my fiancé held me. And he helped me walk again.
«I love you,» he replied.
And I knew he did because it was my Herman!
«I’m so happy to have you,» I confessed to him, and he hugged me tightly, and I was happy.
Even though it still hurt to walk, I was so happy! In the evening, I told Mummy that I was very, very happy because I had Herman, and her, and Daddy. She cried and said I was the biggest miracle in the world.
Every day I had to walk a little. I stayed in the wheelchair for the rest of the time because if I had walked a lot, my heart wouldn’t have liked it, my eyes would get dark and I would choke. The lessons were still with the oxygen because Daddy didn’t like the way my heart reacted. But Herman and I believed that everything would be fine. Because it just couldn’t be otherwise.
And then, I turned thirteen. I couldn’t believe that I was alive and that I was walking. Not much, but I was walking! And that was just unspeakable happiness. Mummy and Daddy took some time off from work and got us excused from school (because you need to request to be excused from school even if you’re homeschooled) so that we could spend a week in Italy where there were the sea, lots of sand, and the kind angel doctor who saved me. I even walked for him a little bit, and he smiled so much that I wanted to cry, and I cried, of course, because I was sometimes a crybaby, not as often as I used to, but I was like that and I didn’t want to do anything about it. Because Herman allowed me, right! I felt like I had grown older, but for my fiancé, I was ready to be what he wanted me to be. Because Herman was the most important person in my life. After all, by letting me be his fianceé, he saved me at the very beginning when I was afraid of everything.
Daddy and Mummy spent their savings and even took a loan to get me back on my feet. It was… It was a miracle, I had probably never seen people like that. And Mummy explained to me that you can turn around both heaven and earth for the sake of your children. And money doesn’t matter, because it’s me that matters… Could I have thought three years ago that I would be important?
«Let’s go swimming,» Herman suggested to me.
It was very hot in Italy that year, so we were allowed to swim.
«Yes, my love,» I answered him because it was true.
I got up from the wheelchair with effort and walked slowly by his side to the splashing strip of water. It was hard to walk on the sand, but I could do it, and then the sea hugged my legs. And Herman’s hands hugged my tummy. And I was happy again because it was him…
We splashed around in the water and I didn’t feel bad at all, but then I couldn’t get out properly. It made me really scared, and I pissed myself, but one couldn’t see that in the sea. When I’m scared I get really small and when I’m not, I get really big. But then I got scared, there was trouble and I also cried, and Herman… He picked me up in his arms. It was hard for him, I could see it, but he carried me to the wheelchair and smiled. It was such a miracle…
* * *
At the clinic, Dr. Marconi said that I was good and that I would do well, I just needed to come back every year. It was so joyful: I was good because the doctor, who was like an angel to everyone like me, said so. Then I saw a little girl in a wheelchair in the hall. She looked very confused. Her mother was standing next to her and caressing her. When you see that kind of tenderness, it must be a mother for sure. The girl was almost crying, so I came up to her in my wheelchair and got out of it to sit beside her.
«Don’t be afraid,» I told this new girl, «The doctor is an angel, he will help you.»
«I believe it,» she replied.
My mother told her mother about me. And there were smiles on everyone’s faces. Because that was happiness.
We returned to Germany and almost immediately Daddy received a letter. He read it and then told me that there would be a surprise. I loved surprises, and I also loved being small. Sometimes I thought I would be like that forever, but Herman said I shouldn’t think about it, because everything will come in its own time. I don’t think about it now because I feel so good. It’s still hard for me to walk, very hard, I should say, but my dad told me not to overload my heart and… oops! The doctor said I just had to have a baby one day. I will be able to do it! I was so happy, and I thought he understood my happiness.
So, about the surprise. One morning, we got into my mother’s car and drove somewhere far away. I didn’t ask where because it was a surprise. I couldn’t ask, or else the surprise would spoil and Dad would get upset. I can’t upset Dad, I can’t upset Mum, and I totally can’t upset Herman. So we were on our way, and I was looking forward to it. Any surprise from my parents and Herman was a joy, even… But I shouldn’t have thought about the belt, Herman forbade me, he said: «Don’t even think about it.» By that point, I must have gotten used to the fact that I was very important and I wouldn’t be beaten, because those who are loved so much don’t get beaten. Even if it’s a punishment… Daddy said there was nothing to punish me for, and Mummy just caressed me.
We were riding and I was snuggling up to Herman. Because of the exercises, I sometimes got leg cramps, it hurt, and sometimes it was hard to breathe, so we had a portable concentrator for that. By the way, it became easier to pronounce difficult words, and I didn’t forget them anymore as I used to. This made my parents and Herman very happy. Daddy did something to make me their daughter, but later, Herman and I can still get married if… if he wants. When I think that he might not want it, I cry. Daddy saw me cry and even asked me about it, and then scolded me and asked me to trust my fiancé. I promised because it was Herman.
We arrived at some town and checked into a hotel to feed me and then to sleep. Because of me, Daddy drove slowly because I could get carsick. While others would cover this distance in three hours, it took us almost all day, but I no longer thought I was crazy or wrong because I was special to Mummy and Daddy. And with Herman, I was the best, he said so himself. And my fiancé… He’s my life, my soul, and without him, there’s no Rie.
We stayed at the hotel, ate, and went to bed. I wondered what surprise Dad had in store for me. Herman lay beside me and told me how good I was, how much he loved me, and then I told him that he was my… everything. Everything in the world. We hugged and even kissed. In an adult way, my fiancé taught me! I was just floating in tenderness because it was him. And I… We were together forever, that’s what Herman said, and how can you not believe him?
* * *
The morning started like every regular morning would: first, toilet, which was important because I could fail to hold because of the tension, gymnastics, massage, the pills before breakfast, breakfast, the pills after breakfast, gymnastics again, a little walk, massage, shower, and… And off we went to our surprise. All the way, Daddy was convincing me not to worry too much because my heart might not be happy. I said I would try very hard.
We came up to a regular house with a smiling lady standing on the doorstep. She watched me being taken out and moved because I couldn’t do it myself straight away after the car: I had to be massaged first and then I could walk around a bit. But Daddy said we were visiting, so there was no need to torture me. For some reason, Herman began to convince me to agree to the oxygen, and I agreed. It was strange: I would never argue with him because I was obedient, but that day, I got nervous for some reason. Probably because of the surprise.
I was taken closer to the woman and we got acquainted. Dad was smiling so cunningly that it made me feel uneasy.
«Gabriella Schmidt, Herman Stiller,» Dad said, pointing at us.
I could see that the woman was very surprised. Her eyes got big and round, like an owl’s eyes, maybe.
«Children, let me introduce you,» Mummy smiled, «Annemarie von Krzysztof».
I almost choked in amazement but the concentrator prevented me from doing so. This was the lady who wrote the books about the boy who was abused18. Everyone entered the house and I rode beside her and asked for permission to touch her. Miss Anne (that’s what she asked me to call her) said she was writing a story about a boy, but she didn’t know how we knew about it because no one had seen the book yet.
I told her about the little girl who was not wanted. I described Mariana’s life story and everyone cried, even Herman, who held me close to him. Miss Anne said she didn’t know how bad it was to be not wanted. Then Dad remembered how I had been frightened by the name Schmidt, and everyone laughed merrily. We talked for a long time. Herman and I talked about how hard it had been for me at first, and how happy I had been about not being a magician. Then, the lady got serious and asked me if the fairytale was really so scary. And I… I cried. Because I’d agree to have both fenke and lindworm as long as there were Mummy and Daddy, and I’d even settle for Fafnir for Herman. The lady said she would try to make the love real.
