Владарг Дельсат
Finding the Ground Beneath the Feet
With warmth and affection
The doctor smiled at me in such a way that I even believed everything was going to be okay. Then, he took me for a check-up. Somehow, this doctor understood that I couldn’t be taken away from Herman and asked my fiancé to be the one to help me. Dad moved me to the couch, Herman carefully took off all my clothes except my panties, and then I got a little scared, but the kind doctor said there was no need to take my panties off and started to caress me. I understood that he was examining me, but he was caressing me very gently and carefully as if he was afraid of hurting me. I said that if it had hurt, I would have endured it.
«Don’t let it hurt,» the magic man told me.
He was a real wizard and finished quickly, and then he asked Herman to walk with me while he was explaining to Mummy and Daddy how to help me. So… did that mean he could help me?
We went for a walk, and my fiancé told me that soon everything would be fine and I would be able to do everything myself, but he would still cuddle me and dress me and feed me because I was a miracle. That’s what he said. And I said he was the best thing in the world. And I wouldn’t give him up to anyone. And then we agreed that we wouldn’t give each other up. Because that’s us.
Mum and Dad came to take us to the ward because they had to do e-xa-mi-na-tions. I didn’t know what that was. I got so silly and as though I got younger. But when I said that to Herman, he promised not to give me ice cream for these words. I immediately replied that I wouldn’t do it again because I agreed to be punished, but I couldn’t do without ice cream, not at all. Herman smiled as only he could and said that I had talked him into it. Then I had to undress again. They even took off my panties and didn’t put on a nappy but they put on these special clothes, like pajamas, but very special. And when they took the orthoses off, I cried. I was very afraid that it would hurt again, so I cried. Then they put them back on but said that they would take them off for a while. For a while, I agreed. But not forever. Because it hurt. And when it hurt it was bad, that’s what Herman said, and that’s what Dad said, too.
I was being taken somewhere. I was very scared but Herman was there for me, and it wasn’t scary with him. In the end, it was nothing special, only my breasts hurt when they were pressed against that white thing13, but I endured. I cried and endured it. Herman saw me crying and told them not to torture me so much. And they obeyed him, and I cried a little more, but he calmed me down. The scariest was a tube called am-ar-i14, although I didn’t know what that meant. It was like a ring at first, but there was a tube inside clicking and buzzing really loudly, so it was scary. But I was brave because Herman was with me.
And then we went back to the ward where I would live for a little while so that I could be made well there. Dad and Mum went with the doctor, and Herman fed me. Some woman said we should try to let me eat by myself, but my fiancé replied that I was tired, so I would cry, and crying was not necessary at all, and the woman agreed. When my parents arrived, it turned out that we were going to the sea, so Herman took off my pajamas and put on what my mother gave us: beautiful colored pants that were a little different and also a kind of a T-shirt but shorter. It’s called a swimsuit, right!
We went to the sea… At first, there was sand, lots and lots of sand, and everyone was wearing panties but Mummy had a swimsuit that looked like mine. And then the white sand was over and there was wet sand. And then I saw green waves with white foam. That’s how many words I remembered!
They started teaching me how to swim. Well, I kind of knew how, but my legs… and my collar… so Mummy put this orange vest on me and I swam in it. The sea was bitter-salty, and I snorted for a long time, and it was also warm and somehow… extraordinary.
Then I had to go back, but I couldn’t part with the sea, and my parents understood that. But it was still necessary to go back because of eating, taking pills, and sleeping. The doctor allowed me to sleep in the hotel and come to the hospital from there, because I was very scared without Mummy and Daddy, and I didn’t agree at all without Herman.
* * *
Children are not the only ones hoping for help at the clinic. The eyes of the parents of these children often light up with even more hope. Dr. Marconi looked at Elsa and Gerhardt, the parents of a girl that was so different from them, and saw this light. He understood that she was not their own child, but of course, he did not ask. The adults, who had come all the way from Germany for the sake of the child, must have regarded her as their own and undoubtedly loved her, and they should not have been hurt by such questions.
«Let’s talk about Gabriella,» the doctor suggested as he put the pictures on the X-ray film viewer 15 . He already knew that both parents were doctors, so they probably did not need a translation. Dr Marconi spoke English with a soft, pleasing-to-the-ear accent and his intonation gave you confidence. «Look, here are the joints of the legs, arms, and the condition of the neck. The girl was apparently malnourished and beaten a lot in her early childhood.»
«We don’t know that for sure, unfortunately,» Elsa said, peering into the films that were clearer than the ones they made at home. «Daughter lost her memory after… After a cardiac arrest at school, her former caretakers are in prison.»
«Why did that happen at school?» the doctor wondered, and when he heard Gerhardt sigh, he saw that it wasn’t easy either.
«Attempted violence,» Herr Stiller said wistfully. «So her fears are… Apparently, she was also beaten, but it’s hard to tell for sure. The disease was treated, of course, but…»
«I see,» Alexander Marconi nodded. «From what I can see, the girl has been beaten a lot, poorly fed, and dragged by her hair, which has damaged both her neck and her head. The neck needs surgery. We’ll put a prosthetic vertebra here and she’ll be fine. Now, about the head… We will treat cerebrovascular disease. I don’t see anything irreparable, although there will be problems with her memory, of course.
«What about her legs and arms?» Elsa asked, worrying about Rie.
«The legs…» Dr. Marconi scratched his nose thoughtfully, «The joints could be operated on here and here, and then Gabriella would be able to walk. Running is unlikely, but walking is for sure. As for the hands… It’s better not to touch them yet, we’ll look at them again at fifteen or sixteen. We’ll try to strengthen her heart and give her minerals and vitamins, so she can live a normal life and bear a child when the time comes. That’s what they all dream about.»
«So, strengthen her heart, take vitamins and minerals, deal with the head, and then the operations?» Gerhardt prioritized the tasks which made the Italian look at him with respect.
«Yes, you’re right,» Alexander replied. «The risks should be kept to a minimum.»
«Tell us, the fact that she sometimes behaves like a five-year-old, sometimes like a teenager, and now mostly like a baby, does this need to be treated?»
Of course, Elsa knew about the age delay, but she thought of Gabriella as her daughter, so she was afraid of making a mistake.
«She didn’t have a childhood,» the Italian smiled sadly. «But she had a lot of pain and disappointment in adults. And then, you came along, the boy takes care of her, she loves him and trusts him completely, I can see that. A child’s psyche is, of course, very flexible, but right now, Gabriella is just experiencing her childhood, so don’t be afraid of that. The time of pain and fear will pass, and the little girl will become an adult, but for now, accept her as she is.»
«That’s how we take it, especially Herman,» Gerhardt Stiller chuckled and smiled at something. «So, what sum of the loan should we get?»
That was not an easy question either: the treatment was rather expensive. But the clinic had various options, including installments, because the Stillers were not the only ones…
* * *
Herman gave me a bit of a scare today. He made such a stern face and said I was finally going to be punished, so I had to get ready. I smiled and said yes because it was him. I obediently laid down and even pulled my pajama trousers down. It was a little scary, but a kind lady came in, praised me for some reason, and pricked my bottom. It hurt but not too much. And then Herman hugged me, and that was the best reward ever.
Turned out, I lacked vi-ta-mines and something else, so I have to get my bottom pricked. It was scary when a stranger was doing it, so I asked… Well… At least let Dad do it, if I can’t have Herman. Dad smiled very affectionately and offered my fiancé to try to show him how to do it properly. Herman was very nervous, which made it hurt more than when the lady did it, but I didn’t cry because it was him. I’ll take anything from Herman because he’s my fiancé.
«Forgive me, my miracle,» my Herman told me, and I smiled at him, hugging him.
«Don’t apologize,» I replied to my fiancé. – «Everything you’re doing is right because it’s you.»
And the lady listened to us and sobbed. I didn’t know why. Maybe she was offended. I asked my dad, and he said she was sobbing because I was a miracle. I didn’t understand but I nodded so I wouldn’t upset Daddy by… well… And Daddy saw that I hadn’t figured it out and started to explain:
«You’re a miracle, baby,» he told me as he sat down next to me. «You’re very sweet and good, and that’s why people are smiling, and they are sobbing because of strong feelings, do you understand?»
«I understand, Daddy.»
At that moment, I really understood. Then, my dad told me that they would strengthen my heart and treat my memory so that I would understand more, and then they would treat my legs and neck so I could walk. I would be able to walk! For real! With my feet! I couldn’t help but cry. Because… Well, that’s walking! Herman was happy with me. We were both so happy because we were a family.
After a meal and injections, I was examined, and then the gymnastics started. Herman did everything with me, making sure I wasn’t in pain or crying. Kind women and men praised us both which made me smile and not cry. My arms were tired from the gymnastics, and sometimes it was even hard to breathe, but they gave me a mask and it became easier. Because you have to work hard to walk afterward. I would agree to almost anything for «walking’. Almost, because without Herman, I don’t agree to walk.
But Mummy and Daddy said they wouldn’t have taken Herman away from me, so I would agree to do anything! Even… even if there would have been no ice cream. All that mattered was that my fiancé was always there.
Fear of losing a loved one
We had spent almost two weeks there, but Dad said we would be here for a while because he and Mum had taken some time off, so we didn’t have to leave quickly. Herman wanted to say something to me that day, but he didn’t know how to begin, I thought. So I caught him, knitted my brows, and looked at him like I was asking for ice cream, so he hugged me tightly and started to tell me.
«Your neck needs fixing,» my fiancé told me.
He was so serious that I was even a little scared.
«Does it hurt?» I asked.
I was a little scared already that it could hurt because I was used to it not hurting. The injections didn’t count, because it was Herman.
«You’ll just fall asleep,» he smiled at me, although I could see that he was scared, too. «You’ll be sleeping and dreaming, and then you’ll wake up and have to lie down.
«I agree if you say so,» I became serious too, but I didn’t cry, although I got scared because Herman was afraid. «Why are you afraid?»
«I’m worried about you, my miracle,» my fiancé said to me, and I started smiling because I was his.
«It’s going to be okay because I have you,» I told him, and he started to hug me again, and I hugged him, too. Because that’s us.
In the morning, they wanted to take me away from Herman, and I cried. Then, the kind lady told him to change and wash up while Mummy and Daddy hugged me. I got scared again, just very scared, but Daddy said that if I continued to be scared, there would be no ice cream for a week, and how could I be without ice cream? So I stopped being scared, and then Herman came and we went somewhere. They moved me to a flatbed, it wasn’t very comfortable but it had to be like that because my fiancé said so. The kind lady was very surprised that I was obedient when Herman said so, but it was Herman, how couldn’t she understand?
I was undressed… Well, Herman undressed me because I was getting scared again, and he covered me with a sheet so I wouldn’t be naked and cold. He was so thoughtful, he was wonderful! Then the lady took the collar off my neck and smeared something over it, but I didn’t cry because my fiancé was there. They pricked my vein and I began to fall asleep looking at Herman.
«We’re waiting for you, my miracle,» my fiancé said when I was almost asleep.
And then I was sleeping… I think so because Herman and I were running around the beach together in our panties and we were almost completely adults. And he kissed me like Dad kissed Mum and told me that we were together forever now. Forever and ever! And also, when I was running, it didn’t hurt at all! Such a good dream… May it be true! I also dreamt that we were like a mum and dad, and we had a baby boy… He was so small, but he loved us anyway, and we loved him very much. Because he’s a baby, how can you not love him? I wanted it to be true so much… Well, please let it be true!
* * *
Rie was taken away, and Herman went with her because the girl would not let him go too far from her. Then the teenager returned, almost crying. Now, they had to wait. Wait for the news, suffering from anxiety and worrying for their little daughter, for this little miracle. Gerhardt, as always, held his nerve because he had an iron will. Elsa cried softly because she was so worried. Herman was tormented by his feelings, now and then jumping out of his chair and walking down the corridor.
«Are you sure she will be alright?» the boy asked pitifully, trembling with fear of losing Rie.
«She will,» the father said calmly, stood up, and hugged his son, «You have to have faith and not cry.»
«It’s so scary, Dad,» Herman confessed, «I’m just terrified. She was falling asleep and looking at me… She’ll live, won’t she?»
«She will,» Elsa wiped away her tears, got up, and embraced the boy and her husband, «Rie will live, she will be alright. I promise you that.»
«I believe that, Mum,» Herman tried to convince himself, «It turns out, I love her so much… I just can’t imagine what would happen if…»
«No «if’, son,» Gerhardt interrupted the boy, pulling him closer, «We all love Rie and the way she loves us… You are the ultimate truth to her.»
The head of the family smiled cheerily.
«Yes, she does, Herman agreed, «Sometimes I don’t think I love you enough compared to this. You know… When I imagine anything happening to her, it’s just earth-shattering. Oh, please don’t let anything happen to her! Oh, please, Daddy!»
It was a cry from his heart. A fierce, hopeful spell of the boy who was desperately afraid of losing his miracle, the one who was gradually becoming the most important person in his life. Even more important than Mum and Dad.
The Stillers understood this completely. They tried to calm down their son, struggling to control their own feelings. When the doctor entered the waiting room and silently gave them a thumbs-up, Elsa fainted because of the great relief and frightened Herman one more time. But his kitten will definitely be alright now. The doctors were smiling. They immediately showed the boy the sleeping girl and he saw that they had to shave her hair off because of this operation. Herman was looking at Rie with a smile, repeating like a mantra: «Everything will be alright.»
* * *
Then, I woke up. At first, I didn’t feel anything, not even myself, and I was about to be frightened, but a man came in. He fixed something and smiled. I smiled at him too and then tried to ask him where Herman was, but the man left, and then I cried. The kind lady, who was there before the dream, came and brought Herman in because she understood. My fiancé looked at me with his wet eyes and smiled happily. You can tell when people are happy, so he was happy looking at me. And I was happy for him, even though I couldn’t reach out to him for some reason.
«Don’t be frightened, little one,» my Herman told me, gently caressing my head, «The anesthetic will wear off soon, and you’ll be able to move again. The important thing is that you are with us.»
«I will always be with you,» I promised.
For some reason, my voice was very hoarse and I was thirsty. Herman let me drink a little because I couldn’t have too much at once. Then, my arms and even my legs started to move. They didn’t even hurt when they moved. It was so unusual!
«I was so worried about you,» my most beloved fiancé in the world said, «Because I love you so much.»
«I love you very, very much,» I replied because it was true, «Because it’s you!»
And then, I needed to lie down and sleep some more, but Herman was allowed to sit with me because otherwise, I cried. Not because I was sad but because it worked and I didn’t want to part with my fiancé. And he didn’t want to either, he told me so himself! So I did it the way it worked, and he was allowed to do it. The man said it wouldn’t be a big deal because he trusted him. And I said it was Herman! And everyone understood.
I lay down for a while, and then they started to train me and Herman, of course, because I was scared without him, and to be scared was bad. And we didn’t need anything bad, that was what Daddy said. And my fiancé says so, so it’s right. They trained me and trained me, and then they took the collar off! And nothing happened! Well, it didn’t hurt, I could breathe just well, only my neck got tired quickly, but that’s why they started treating it. To distract me, well, I thought so, we played different games, and then swam in the sea and played again. They cut my hair for the operation, but Herman said it would grow back, and I was the prettiest anyway, so I didn’t cry. Herman knew best, didn’t he?
And then, we had to leave because Mummy and Daddy had work to do. The other surgeries were postponed so as not to frighten my Herman. I didn’t realize until that time how scared of losing me he was. He’s the best thing in the world! There’s no way I’m upsetting him because he’s Herman. I had one last swim in the sea, and then we left in the morning. It was a bit sad, especially because of the nappy, but Herman understood and brought me an ice cream so I wouldn’t cry. He said that, although I didn’t try to cry because you can’t use something that works for such silly things.
We were flying home, and I was carrying a piece of sunny Italy and the smile of the magical doctor in my heart. The doctor called Marconi turned out to be a real miracle worker, I could be without a collar, my legs began to move, and I also felt lighter there, inside. Because you can’t whimper when you’re loved like that… We were flying back, and I was only looking at my Herman, even when I fell asleep because it was him.
Nothing had changed at home, so we sat down at the table. I had to eat, then the pills, then sleep, study… I had a very strict routine now, as Dad said, ’no time off or holidays’ but it was only to make me feel good. And for that, I would get ice cream and a tube of cream. Not at the same time, though: either one or another, so sometimes it was hard to choose, but Herman has worked out how to help me: we divided the ice cream and the straw in two, so we got both. And Herman! Hooray, eh?
«School starts in September,» Dad told us and immediately asked: «Shall we try to go there or would you rather study at home?»
«Whatever Herman says is right,» I answered immediately, and my fiancé hugged me. I could be hugged because it was all healed, right!
My fiancé said we should try it at home and if I didn’t get scared, then we’d try school, but if I did, forget it. And Dad agreed with «forget it’. He said we were more important to him than all the schools in the world. It was so warm that I cried, but I quickly calmed down. It’s a good thing that I’m Mum’s, Dad’s, and especially Herman’s. I was the happiest person in the world!
