Владарг Дельсат
Finding the Ground Beneath the Feet
About magic
I turned eleven. I had managed to get to this point and could do a lot of things on my own. Herman spent so much time with me helping to learn how to live… He’s just the best person in the world! Not so long ago, I learned to go to the toilet when I feel like it, so I don’t pee myself anymore. On that May day, I was wearing a light summer dress and pretty striped panties. Probably, healthy girls would not understand my joy, but I really felt happy when my mum put not a nappy on me but real panties!
When I found out it was my birthday, I was very surprised. In the book, Willy’s birthday was sometime in August. I think it was because of some coincidence that his parents were killed and some people wanted to kill him, but the boy managed to hide. But for me, it’s May. That was weird. A weirder thing was that Mum and Dad decided to celebrate. I don’t remember anything like that when I was Mariana.
«Happy birthday, kitten,» Herman said when I opened my eyes.
He caressed my head with his hand so softly that it made me want to purr. I tried to, but my voice was hoarse after sleeping, so it didn’t come out well. Herman helped me get dressed. I wasn’t shy by him, and he wasn’t shy by me, either. Maybe it’s because we were little… Maybe it was the right thing to do at that moment.
I washed myself because I could do it, only I had to put gloves on my orthotics9 to keep them from getting wet. Without the orthoses, it was very painful to move my arms. Also, they were different: one kind during the day and another one at night. The night ones were soft and had that lining, they kept me warm and protected me from getting cold. I also had pills that I had to take so that nothing hurt. I have to take them forever, but I can even eat ice cream once in a while. Also, you have to dilute the juice, but you can have almost any kind, except pomegranate because it gives you high blood pressure. And you can’t have green tea. And you have to be careful with chocolate… However, when you can’t eat something, but you really want to, then you can have a little, that’s what my dad said.
After washing, I hugged Herman and didn’t want to let him go, so we sat for a while and then we had to part ways anyway because it was time to eat.
First, you had to eat what was right and then just a little bit of what was wrong… Well, in honor of your birthday, you can eat unhealthy stuff, that’s it!
Mum and Dad took a day off. For me! For someone else, this might be a usual thing, but for me, it’s such a gift… Just the most enormous!
«Happy birthday, little girl!» Mum and Dad congratulated me and then added, «It’s so good to have you.»
I cried, of course, because of the emotions. The day began very happily, and then they took me to an amusement park. I wasn’t allowed to do everything and everywhere, but where I could… I was so happy, just to the point of squeaking. There are no words to describe how happy I was on my eleventh birthday. Then we went to a restaurant, and I had completely forgotten about the invitation from the academy, which, as it turned out, neither I nor Herman had received. This gift was even bigger than the amusement park.
In the evening, when my joints were lubricated, I tried to do magic with my hand, like in the book, and it didn’t work. Then I asked Herman to do the same, and he failed too, and then I squealed with delight. Even my parents came running in, and I was so happy that I couldn’t explain anything, I just squealed.
«Herman, what happened?» Mum asked.
«From what I understand,» my fiancé replied, «The kitten tried to do ’witchcraft’ and found out she wasn’t a witch. Which she’s happy about.»
«Rie,» my mother sat down next to me and began to explain: «The names Schmidt and Stiller are not the property of the author of the book. They exist in real life as well. I’ll show you the book with those names tomorrow. And just because something coincides with a book doesn’t mean that you’ve got into a scary fairytale, you know?»
«Hooray!» I was happy because I could live without the fenke10 and lindworm11, and I certainly didn’t believe that «magic’ could fix me.
That’s how happily my birthday came to an end.
* * *
When I found out that I wasn’t a witch and that the things from the book might not even exist, I was very happy. I stopped being afraid and started doing better with my exercises. Dad and Mum were wondering how to help me, that’s what Herman told me, so I tried to be very obedient, though lately, I’d been wanting to do something naughty… I didn’t know why.
«Let’s do this task,» Herman suggested, and I, of course, immediately agreed, because I was obedient, right?
I rolled my wheelchair closer and started to write down the task. I never contradicted Herman, even when I really didn’t want to do something, because he was Herman. So I started doing the task.
«I can’t do it,» I sobbed, but he caressed me immediately, and the tears were gone.
We started to sort things out together.
«That’s it,» my Herman smiled, «You’ve got one box and a half carrying a worker. Can you imagine?»
I imagined and giggled. I finished the task quickly and decided to have a serious talk with him after all. Herman knew right away that we were going to have a conversation. He sat me down on the bed and hugged me.
«Tell me, please,» I began quietly. I was shaking a little for some reason but I held on. «Am I not forcing you to do anything? Maybe you want to be my brother instead of a fiancé?»
«Oh, kitten,» my fiancé smiled, «I’m not giving you away to anyone,» he got very serious, «No one at all, you know? So we’re going to be bride and groom.»
«And if you fall in love with… well…» I lowered my head, because of what I was about to say… it hurt. «Another, healthy girl?»
I couldn’t see what Herman was doing because my head was low. I felt tears running down my cheeks. His silence was terrifying. Suddenly I realized that I was falling, and I shrieked quietly. I thought for a moment that Herman was offended and walked away, which made my chest hurt, but he just laid me down, flipped me over on my stomach, and pulled up my skirt. I thought I must have hurt him badly and sobbed.
«Don’t ever say that,» my most beloved person in the world said and slapped me.
It didn’t hurt at all, it just was loud. I reached out with my arms to hug him.
«Please forgive me,» I said. «If you want, you can slap me until I bleed but don’t be angry.»
«How can I be angry with you like that?»
Herman rolled me over onto my back, hugging me very gently, and I told him that I didn’t want to hurt him at all because he was the most important person in the world to me, but I didn’t want to force him, because it was him.
«Will you forgive me?» I looked at Herman as pitifully as I could, and he nodded, smiling, «For some reason, I want to be slapped sometimes…»
«Let’s talk to Mum, shall we?» my fiancé suggested, and of course, I agreed.
We went to Mother to talk. Herman told me what a miracle I was, how much he loved me and would give anything in the world to keep me happy and alive. By the time we arrived, I was already crying over his words.
«Son, why is the little one crying?» Mother asked my fiancé.
He started talking about the stupid things I said and me wanting to… well… And Mother just hugged me.
«Spring is coming to an end for the baby, you’ll feel better soon,» said the best woman in the world, and Herman was surprised because it was already summer. «Spring is not always tied to the calendar with such pretty girls,» the best mummy in the world explained.
It made me feel better because they wouldn’t spank me, even if I wanted to. Then we went for a walk.
Outside, some boy called Herman an unfamiliar word, but my fiancé just didn’t pay attention because he was busy with me, which is probably why no one approached that boy to offend him because they saw me. Some people were staring at me like I was a monkey in a zoo. It was unpleasant but not scary because Herman was walking beside me. And the fact that my dress sometimes lifted and I could see my panties wasn’t a problem, I was proud of them, right?
While we were walking, an old lady came up to us. She was kind: she didn’t stare or make a disgusted face, she just smiled at me and talked to Herman and to me trying not to scare me, I saw it. She was a very special old lady, that Frau Vitke, so I was smiling as Herman drove me home.
There was very big news and a huge surprise waiting at home. The surprise came from Dad. I love Dad and Mum very much, even without any surprises. They are so warm and good, they are a miracle, not just ordinary parents. I’d forgotten it wasn’t my own family. Both Mum and Dad sometimes showed me more love and care than Herman, and Dad called me Daddy’s little girl which made me feel very, very warm.
«We are flying to Italy the day after tomorrow,» Dad announced to Herman and me.
My fiancé smiled happily, only I didn’t understand what that meant.
«Why are we going there?» I asked because I was curious.
«Firstly, there’s the sea,» Dad explained, «And secondly, a doctor who is a professional. Maybe he knows how to help you. Don’t cry!»
«I won’t,» I promised, although I really wanted to, because it must have been very expensive and difficult, I thought, and…
«You are our little girl,» Dad sat down beside me, hugged me, and explained, «I’ll get a star from the sky for you if you need it.»
I cried, of course, because it was impossible to keep so much warmth, affection, and tenderness inside, so they came out in tears. Also, I was a crybaby…
Hope
On the day of the departure, I was dressed in some overalls, well, Mother dressed me. The overalls are pretty shorts and a T-shirt that are one piece, so again there was a nappy. Mum showed me the nappy, and I wanted to cry, but Herman didn’t let me. He caressed me and hugged me, and later, he explained:
«The airport is not very close, and then there’s a plane and a bus,» he told me, «You’ll have a hard time going to the toilet, and this way you won’t have to hold it.»
«Do you think that’s right?» I looked at him and my fiancé nodded, so I pulled down my panties myself. I already knew how! He knew better than I did what was right. For some reason, I was a little scared to take them off… I didn’t know why, but Herman certainly knew, he was hugging me very gently.
I was dressed and then put in the car and my dad put the wheelchair in the trunk. It was coming with us too, but in luggage, and how it would be at the airport, I didn’t know, but my fiancé said everything was thought through, so I wasn’t worried. The car started and rolled off somewhere. I was looking only at Herman at first, and then I began to doze off. My eyes closed on their own, and I fell asleep, feeling I was being caressed.
I woke up in my father’s arms holding me close to him. It was very interesting, but I didn’t move so as not to disturb him. Finally, my dad slowly put me into a special cart where you don’t ride yourself but someone has to push you. Of course, it was Herman who pushed me.
It was scary all around: a big hall, lots of people. I was frightened of getting lost and squeezed my eyes shut, so I couldn’t see what was going on at all. It was only at some control point that Herman asked me to open my eyes and look at the man. The man was wearing something black, I don’t think I remembered it well because it was very scary.
«My daughter is afraid of crowds,» Dad explained gently, taking me in his arms.
The man looked in the book, then he looked at me and smiled very kindly. He said I was good and wished me a safe journey.
We went to the waiting room. It’s a big room with lots of chairs with people sitting in them. There were also vending machines with goodies that I couldn’t have or my tummy would hurt, so I just licked my lips but didn’t ask for them because I was obedient.
«How are you, little one?» Mum asked, and I just smiled at her, because how could I not? After all, it was Mummy!
«It’s all right,» I said and squeezed my eyes shut for a little bit because of her warmth.
«Are you thirsty?» Herman asked.
He looked greedily at the machines but did not buy anything, although he was allowed to.
«No, not yet,» I said, and then I asked: «Why don’t you buy yourself something if you want to?»
«You and I are family,» he replied, smiling at me. «I won’t eat or drink what you can’t because it’s the right thing to do.»
And I cried because of too many feelings. Herman gave up what he wanted for me. For me. It was so… There were just no words to explain, so I cried.
It might seem like a small thing and nothing, but it was so important to me… Herman. For me. For me. Do you understand? So…
We were sitting and waiting, and out the huge window, I could see a big plane waiting, probably, for us. I felt like going to the toilet and realized that Herman was right because there was no need to hold it, so I didn’t. I thought the panties would come later when we would find a toilet that would be convenient for me; not every toilet suited me, only the one with the blue sticker on it12.
Oh, I forgot to tell you! My dad put a picture of a girl in a wheelchair with a teddy bear in her hands on the back of his car. She was so cuddly, despite the wheelchair. So, everyone knew I was in the car but it didn’t make me want to cry.
We sat in the waiting room for a while and then they called us in. Well, everyone was called, but us first because I’m in a wheelchair. Dad took me in his arms again and carried me somewhere: first down the corridor and then through the door. There was a long room with lots of chairs in it. Dad sat me down by the window, Herman sat next to me, and my parents were in front of us. That’s how I found out what a plane was. Then many, many more people came into the room and everyone was seated, and when everyone was seated, the room hummed, and behind the window, everything went first forward and then backward.
The plane was going somewhere, and then it stopped roaring in a scary way, but I wasn’t afraid, because Herman was sitting next to me and caressing me. And then, outside the window, everything ran faster and faster and started to move away, and I got dizzy and I didn’t feel well. My fiancé called my dad, but it turned out to be nothing: that’s what happens when the plane takes off. So we took off and flew to dreamland… Well, that’s how I imagined it. Because I had my great hope with me.
* * *
Nothing interesting happened on the plane anymore. Some women were serving drinks and sandwiches, so Herman fed me yogurt, I didn’t know where he got it from. He fed me so affectionately, but no one was staring at us because it was Herman. I could eat myself too, but I really liked the way my fiancé did it because it felt very warm. The only thing in the window was the clouds below, the blue sky, and the sun. There was nothing else to see, so I hugged my Herman and closed my eyes.
«Sleep, kitten,» he told me, and I obediently began to fall asleep while Herman caressed my hair and I felt like I was floating.
Strangely, I hardly thought about the mysterious sea because I had my fiancé and my parents, and I didn’t need anything else. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up with a kiss. Herman kissed me, of course. My eyes opened, and it appeared that we were about to land.
«Don’t be frightened.»
It was my fiancé, he was very caring, he even woke me up so I wouldn’t be frightened.
The plane went down and then hopped and roared and drove somewhere. I could see the houses out of the window again but those were different and there was lots of sunshine. We waited until everyone was out, and then my dad carried me again, and then he took my wheelchair out of our luggage and put me in it to make me feel comfortable. It turned out that we had landed, but we hadn’t arrived, I didn’t really understand how that was. And then there was that little bus, and you could lie down there. It turned out to be very comfortable to lie down because my nappy was already tired. And the bus also had tinted windows, and the driver got out so they could change my clothes. Herman took off my overalls and nappy and Mother gave me my panties. I smiled again because it was… freedom!
«We’ll be driving for three hours,» the driver said as they finished oiling me and dressed me again. Herman dressed me, of course. «You can rest now.»
We drove off and there were lots of interesting things around, so I was looking at Herman and out the window. Too bad you can’t look in and out at the same time. The bus rocked so gently that it put me to sleep. I didn’t want to sleep, honestly, but it put me to sleep, and I opened my eyes again when my fiancé caressed me. It turned out that we had arrived, and first, there would be a hotel to change my clothes and then we would go to a kind doctor, who was a professional, right.
Dad told me that this doctor was a very special professional and I felt hopeful. Only I said I wouldn’t do it without Herman anyway, but Dad replied that no one was going to, and I became happy. I was changed into a sundress to make it easy to take off because the doctor would want to look at me. I didn’t care, let him look, as long as my fiancé was there, that’s all.
I was fed, well Herman did it again of course, not because I couldn’t, but because… well it’s him! Mum smiled very affectionately as she was watching Herman feeding me, and Dad joked that we were going to have the best babies, and I cried. I wanted us to grow up and have babies too. Was it possible that I wouldn’t die?
«We’re going to the doctor now, kitten,» my fiancé smiled at me, he was hopeful too. «He’ll have a look at you and he’ll be sure to help. You need to have faith!»
«I have faith, Herman,» I told him because I did, and I really, really had hope.
Then we got on that little bus again, well, they put me down, of course. And Dad said that if I was a good girl, there would be the sea in the evening. Herman replied to Dad that I was always good and very obedient, and I kissed his hand with which he caressed me. And off we went.
Pretty soon, we were at this big white house. There were cars and people driving around, but I was in Dad’s arms and then in the wheelchair again. Herman took me into a cool room and there were kind smiling people and children like me. They had the same orthotics on their arms or very similar, and there were also two girls in wheelchairs chasing each other. I must have looked at them very pitifully because the girls came up to us and said something not in German, but Dad understood. Dad was very clever.
«Maria says,» he translated to me, «That there is no need to be afraid, everything will soon be fine, even if you’re in a wheelchair.»
«I’m not afraid,» I answered, holding my fiancé’s hand, «Because I have Herman. And you, Mummy and Daddy.»
«It’s going to be alright, my dear,» Herman said to me quietly. It was like he could sense when I was getting scared. How was it possible?
Dad smiled, caressed me, and pointed somewhere. There stood the doctor in green clothes, he was smiling and looking at me very gently. He had a mustache and rectangular glasses but that wasn’t the main thing. The main thing was the way those two girls looked at this doctor – as if he was an angel. Could he help me?
I promised to be the most obedient girl in the world! Oh, please…
