Владарг Дельсат
Finding the Ground Beneath the Feet
School
At home, I was fine, I could even study for forty minutes straight without crying over exhaustion. We were home-schooled, so we both got credit for that year. Dad explained that I couldn’t take exams yet and that Herman could, but I would get nervous and, again, we couldn’t afford that, so we would take them the following way: while Herman was writing, I would just sit next to him and answer what I could orally because writing hurt me a lot. The school would also say that it hurt me to write too much.
I was also frightened that at school there was that… Well…16 Dad explained that this thing was long gone. At least, that’s how I understood him, so I smiled. If my fiancé wasn’t in any danger, I would be cool. The main thing was that it wouldn’t happen to him. Sometimes I still thought I was unimportant, but Herman said he would be offended, and I stopped thinking that because my fiancé must not be offended at all. It was very scary, what he said, the worst of it. I told him that I was obedient, so I wouldn’t think that way.
We were invited to the school. I was getting ready with Herman, and we were all worried. And at school, it turned out that the teachers were worried too because they didn’t want me to feel bad. I was so surprised, but Herman said it was all right. And my fiancé also told me not to worry so my heart wouldn’t get sick, and I said I’d try. And I tried really hard.
We were given assignments. Herman sat down to write, and I read and didn’t understand anything at first. I was suddenly scared. I remembered that I had promised not to worry, so I read it again. It was maths, something with a quadratic equation. I thought maybe I would understand it later and started to do another task, but again, I couldn’t do it. It was so painful because, at home, I could do everything so easily! Why couldn’t I do it now? I cried quietly, trying not to distract Herman, but he somehow sensed it, dropped his pen, and started hugging me and asking:
«What happened to you, little one, what’s wrong?»
And the teacher looked at us sympathetically, she understood.
«I can’t do it, I’m stupid,» I tried to explain through tears, but he kissed my eyes and comforted me.
«It’s all right, little one, let’s sort it out together.»
Herman was completely focused on me, forgetting about his exam.
«You have to write. Let me cry while you are writing,» I asked him.
But my fiancé said there was nothing in the world more important than me, and those words made me cry even more but in a different way. It was not over sadness but affection and warmth. We were sitting and trying to sort things out, and I began to understand some things. The teacher stood beside us and listened to Herman explaining it to me, and then she just smiled and said that she understood everything. Later, I found out that she had given my fiancé an excellent mark because if he could explain like that, then he knew. But it’s Herman, he knew everything.
It was no longer like that with German, I was able to say a lot of things, and the teacher was pleased, he just did not come too close so as not to frighten me. And then, somehow, the exams were over, and they congratulated Herman and me, saying how good we were. And I said that it was all Herman’s credit because he was the best.
That girl and her boy were the reason for the long conversations between the teachers. The fact that the children were very close was clear to experienced teachers. The sick girl and her brother who cared for her in a way that not every parent cared for their children. The girl, of course, gave a little scare to the teachers who knew that the child almost died at school, so everyone decided to give her credit for what she could do. Suddenly, it turned out that the young Frau was very bad only in complicated mathematics, but everything else was at a very decent level. When they shared that with the girl’s parents, the teachers were told that some of the child’s brain cells were not working, but despite this fact, she was trying. The examiners decided to support this family. The girl and her boy did not give up.
My parents were very excited because, in September, we would be able to go to secondary school. I didn’t know what the difference was, but Dad said that Herman and I were very good, and took us to the amusement park. I realized I wasn’t stupid, I just wasn’t good at maths, and my fiancé explained that you can’t be brilliant at everything, so it’s okay if you can’t do something. And I agreed because that’s what Herman said!
* * *
The school ended on the very first day, which almost became my last day. If Dad hadn’t been waiting outside school, I don’t know what would have happened. But it was Dad! He decided to stick around and…
It started well. The boys and girls in the new class were not very friendly, but I didn’t care because I had Herman.
And then the teacher came. I guess he just didn’t see that I was in a wheelchair. Well, that’s what my dad explained later, so I wouldn’t be too scared. In the new class, I was supposed to stand up when the teacher came in because that was their custom, but I couldn’t…
«Why is the girl so unfriendly?» that man asked, becoming very scary.
«She’s in a wheelchair,» Herman tried to explain, but the scary teacher wouldn’t listen.
«Now I’m going to check what’s stopping the Frau from getting up,» he said, and I felt like crying.
The man came closer and closer so slowly and scary that I began to panic. Herman tried to stop the man and explain that I must not be scared, but he was stronger than my fiancé. When Herman fell, I closed my eyes and shrieked as loud as I could.
Daddy came out of nowhere, he punched this… scary one and rushed over to me. I found that out later, but at the time, I fainted which scared both Dad and Herman. My fiancé was worried that he couldn’t protect me, and Dad said that someone was holding Herman and there were more of them. It was so scary that I… well… Then Herman dressed me because I couldn’t do anything myself again. I was shaking with fear so much that the wheelchair was shaking with me. Dad called the police and also a medical car to calm me down. They put me inside and Herman too because he looked very pale. And I hugged my fiancé and asked him to hide me, and then I don’t remember.
That’s how school ended. Both Herman and I went to the hospital for a while and then stayed home. It turned out I had lost my voice, so for a long time, I only whispered, but I was very afraid even to go to the bathroom without Herman.
And something went wrong in Herman’s heart when he got scared for me, so he was having shots from that moment too until he got better. I was having them too to keep him company.
«Is it because of me that Herman feels bad?» I asked my dad, who was very angry, but not at us, but at the school.
«No, baby, it’s because of the school,» Daddy replied.
My mother confirmed it too, so I didn’t ask to be punished. Also, my fiancé hugged me and asked me not to die, so I promised him and I had to keep my word. But I was afraid of school now and again… well… at night… So in the evening, Herman put a nappy on me to keep me comfortable.
I became very afraid of strangers, but one day, my father brought a lady, she was kind. She talked to me and Herman for a long time, because without Herman I only cried. The lady gave me a sweet, but I asked my fiancé first and took it when he said I could. It seemed I had become very small again.
We didn’t go to school anymore, the teachers came to us because that lady told Daddy and Mummy that it would be better for both me and Herman. We were home-schooled, and I was slowly getting over my fear of teachers when my fiancé was around. And I was very scared without him, so we were always together. Herman said he’s afraid to leave me alone, so we’re always together. Well, he was my fiancé. So it was the right thing to do.
Dad said there was a trial of that scary teacher, and there he said he wanted to make a joke. Is that any kind of joke? I wish someone had done that to him! I cried when I heard that. I also realized that I was the luckiest girl in the world because I had a mommy and a daddy and Herman who loved me and would never make a joke like that. My fiancé hugged me even more often than before, and I felt good… Except that sometimes at night the scary one would come to my dreams and do something with his trousers which made me panic, and my Herman would wake me up.
«We will definitely get through this,» Herman repeated.
And Dad said that we would probably move soon. I didn’t understand why, but if Dad said so, it must have been the right thing to do. I didn’t know whether we would move to another place or another house. But that’s not important, I thought…
«From the city or the country?» My fiancé, the best fiancé in the world, asked.
«I wish we could move to Italy,» I dreamt.
Italy was beautiful and I liked it, but my dad said I would have to learn a different language there and it was difficult for me.
«We’ll give Germany another chance,» Mummy smiled so sweetly that I wanted to curl up in her arms, «The most important thing is that my little girl has a good time.»
«I’ll have to,» I answered, «Because I have you and you have me, right?»
«Yes, my dear.»
My mother hugged me and also my fiancé, because we were inseparable, as if we had been linked forever. Well… I felt like it… And if you really want something, I guess you can.
Mum was very warm and tender. And Daddy was the strongest and most reliable person. And then there Qa my Herman. And there was me too. And I always will be because I promised, and you have to keep your promises, my fiancé said. That’s what Daddy said, too. And they knew exactly what was right.
New house
We were moving… First Mummy and Daddy showed Herman and me where we were going to live. It was a town and a beautiful house almost in the woods, and they had already done everything for me, you know, so that I could go everywhere. And our room with Herman was like… with a huge window! Mum said we could even see the stars from that window when we lie down. That was so great!
We were moving so as not to frighten me, so at first Herman and I were put in the hospital for a few hours. Well, Dad said so, and I was a good girl, so I lay there cuddling Herman while he was taking care of me. Caressing and oiling and… and feeding me, too. He feeds me so tenderly, it’s impossible not to eat. Ladies came to our room to look at Herman. Because he was a real miracle, even though he said I was a miracle… But it was Herman!
And then Mummy and Daddy arrived. Herman dressed me to go outside, because it was already cold outside, and took me. He wouldn’t let anyone touch me, he did everything himself, and he wouldn’t even let me do it, I didn’t know why. My Herman allowed me to be very small, he sheltered me with his warmth that made me want to cry because of the emotions…
We drove for a long time – an hour, maybe more, but I hardly noticed it because of Herman. My fiancé hugged me telling me how everything was going to be all right from now on, and in the winter, we would go back to Italy to get my legs fixed… to let me… To walk… It was like a promise of a miracle… Well, there I was crying again. I’m a crybaby.
«Herman, tell me, is it bad that I’m a crybaby?»
«You’re not a crybaby,» my Herman caressed me, «You’re a miracle, you just have a lot of emotions.»
And I believed it, because how could I not believe my fiancé, it’s Herman! And also Mummy and Daddy.
Daddy carried me upstairs in his arms because he missed me, he said. And there it was! A huge bed for Herman and me, and a table for studying, and… some big white box on wheels. I wondered what it was.
«It’s an oxygen concentrator, daughter,» explained the best daddy in the world. «You will do exercises, it will help you.»
«How is it going to help me?»
I imagined a big white box on wheels doing the maths for me and chuckled.
«You’ll see,» Daddy smiled.
And then we had lunch. Herman even let me eat on my own because I was a good girl. He wasn’t at all angry that I spilled the soup on myself because my hand was tired. Somehow, I started to get tired quickly after that terrible day, but Dad said it would get better.
«It’s going to be alright,» Mummy smiled at me.
I trusted Mum and Dad. Well, it was okay to get a prick in the bottom, even when it hurt because Herman’s hands…
When I had finished my lunch with my fiancé’s help, it was time for a massage, injections, and more pills of various kinds, well, as usual, to make sure nothing hurt. It was such a blessing when only my bottom hurt after an injection! Healthy girls probably don’t know what it means… And that’s good because when it hurts, it’s bad, Herman said so. And that’s what Daddy said too. And I didn’t have any more pain from that time, because of the medicine, even if it had to be forever.
When we went to bed, I made a pitiful face to ask Daddy, because he could do anything.
«Daddy, I dreamed that Herman and I were like you and Mummy, and we were having a baby. I will have a baby, won’t I?»
«You will,» the best daddy in the world said, and Herman began wiping his eyes as if he’d had an eyewinker in them. «Sleep, children.»
And we went to sleep. At first, Herman put a nappy on me so I wouldn’t «swim’ at night, as he called it so that I wouldn’t cry because of it. And then, my fiancé told me a story and hugged me, and the story made my eyes close. I didn’t even notice how I fell asleep because I was dreaming about that fairytale and then our baby boy said: «Mum, I’m waiting for you,» and I think I was crying in my sleep.
«That’s what they all dream about,» Herr Stiller recalled Dr. Marconi’s words. How hopefully the little girl looked at him asking her question, even Herman cried. «You will have everything, little girl,» thought Gerhardt. «We will do everything for it, only keep living.»
* * *
It was really beautiful in the new house. Herman and I loved looking at the stars, admiring them. I even seemed to get a little bigger, stop being so small… Or no? I didn’t know. And my fiancé told me not to think about it because I didn’t have to. And I tried, but it was very hard for me not to think about it.
Also, the lessons started again, but the teachers were different. They were very kind, they were not angry, and they didn’t want to check why I didn’t stand up. Daddy didn’t want to send us to school. And I found out how a big box helped me. There was a tube that went up to my nose and blew. For some reason, when it blew, it made it easier for me to learn. I understood everything at once, even in maths, although I was very afraid at first. But my fiancé said that everything would work out and it did because it was Herman. I suddenly began to understand everything…
«Herman, look, is that right?»
I looked into his eyes, trying to see an answer there. But there was only warmth and tenderness.
«Yes, Rie,» he nodded and kissed my cheek, «You’re a good girl.»
He said it so softly that it made me want to cry because it just overwhelmed me with happiness. And the teachers were not angry when Herman hugged and kissed me, they understood, they were happy with him for… me? Was that because I was doing well? It was like a fairytale. Sometimes, I found myself thinking I was living in a fairytale. Not the one I once thought I was in, but the real one, about Herman and Mummy and Daddy and the little girl who would definitely do just fine, you just had to wait a little. And I was obedient, so I was patient. And would even agree to be punished if it was needed to make it good. But I wouldn’t be punished, I already knew that, because I was loved.
Sometimes it felt like I had always been loved. But I still remembered that a long time ago, there was a girl named Mariana whom no one wanted, so I would cherish everything I had from that moment… very, very much. That’s what I told Herman, that I would do anything as long as no one took him away. And my fiancé said no one would take him away, because I had him forever. Just like in that dream.
Time flew by almost unnoticeably, and then Daddy said that very soon we would be flying to Italy. To get me fixed up… It was a real fairytale… Herman massaged me, tickled me, and told me that very soon, maybe even in summer, I would be able to walk. Well, with my legs, can you imagine? I was also able to do a math test without crying even once, right! Daddy said we were going to have a party, so we went outside. I had one of those special overalls that let you roll in the snow. I really liked rolling in the snow, and Herman knew that. So we did it, and then there were fireworks: these were beautiful lights going up in the sky and exploding into stars. And there was a cake… It wasn’t very sweet, because I couldn’t have too much sweet stuff, but it was a whole cake of colored jelly, which I was allowed to eat. As much as I could! And I ate it all, of course, because, well, it was happiness.
It was only a few days later when we were flying again. I was no longer afraid of anyone, because Herman was there, and Daddy and Mummy, of course. I knew they could protect me from everything, so I wasn’t afraid. My fear escaped somewhere when Herman hugged me. Just a quick sniff and it was gone…
I won’t tell you about the plane because it hadn’t changed at all. Everything was the same as in summer, only I flew in a fur coat because it took a long time to change the overalls and there was no need to torture me, as my dad said, so I was no longer afraid of the passport control and was generally very very brave because of Herman. I was even praised for not being afraid of anything. Well, I was scared, of course, but not as much as I used to be in the summer because I knew they would help, yes!
And then we arrived and went to the hospital to see the doctor who was a real angel because he helped everyone, right!
* * *
«What can I say…» Dr. Marconi took another close look at the diagnostic tests and smiled. «Very good, an unexpectedly quick compensation. What about psychology?»
«Five, maybe six years,» Herr Stiller sighed. «But it makes her feel better. She’s talking about having a baby already.»
«Don’t force it,» the doctor advised. He was a specialist in rare and extremely rare diseases. «This is already very good: she is thinking about the future, not death.»
«We understand,» Elsa looked at her colleague with even more hope than the girl had.
«We’ll operate on the legs,» Dr. Marconi decided. «The heart is holding, and the oxygen support will still remain, but the main thing is that the heart is holding.
«When?» Gerhardt asked briefly, thinking that Herman would get worried again.
«Tomorrow,» the colleague answered just as briefly. «Tomorrow we will be fixing the little girl’s legs.»
