Various
English Jests and Anecdotes
BRUISING MATCH
A provincial paper, giving an account of a bruising match between two men of the names of Hill and Potter, concluded by saying – “That after sixteen rounds, Hill beat his antagonist hollow.”
SMART RETORT
Lord B – wore his whiskers extremely large. Curran meeting him, “Pray, my lord,” said he, “when do you intend to reduce your whiskers to the peace establishment?” “When you, Mr Curran,” said his lordship, “put your tongue upon the civil list.”
LODGINGS
A young gentleman seeing a bill on a window announcing lodgings to let, knocked at the door of the house, and was conducted by a pretty girl into the apartments that were to be occupied. The gentleman, struck with the charms of his conductress, said, – “Pray, my dear, are you to be let with this lodging?” “No, sir,” answered the nymph; “I am to be let alone.”
THE RISING GENERATION
A methodist parson observed, in one of his discourses, that “such was the change in the public manners of the nation, that the rising generation rarely lie down till three o’clock in the morning.”
THE MISER’S ADVICE
The following advice was left by a miser to his nephew: “Buy your coals in summer; your furniture at auctions, about a fortnight after quarter-day; and your books at the fall of the leaf.”
ADVERTISEMENT
Some years ago, there appeared in the English papers an advertisement, which much resembles our notions of an Irish bull, in these words, which are the title to the advertisement: – “Every man his own washer-woman!”
WELSH TOURIST
A Welsh tourist, among many other judicious observations, remarked that the mad-house of Lanark was in a very crazy state.
THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES
An old offender being asked, whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge? answered, – “I have done still worse – I have suffered myself to be apprehended.”
SELDEN
When the learned John Selden was a member of the Assembly of Divines at Westminster, who were appointed to new-model religion, he delighted to puzzle them by curious quibbles. Once they were gravely engaged in determining the exact distance between Jerusalem and Jericho; and one of them, to prove it could not be great, observed, “that fish were carried from one place to the other.” On which Selden observed, “Perhaps it was salt fish;” which again threw the Assembly into doubt.
TRADE
A gentleman passing Milford churchyard a few days since, observing the sexton digging a grave addressed him with – “Well, how goes trade in your line, friend?” “Very dead, sir!” was the reply.
NAUTICAL SERMON
When Whitfield preached before the seamen at New York he had the following bold apostrophe in his sermon: “Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth sea before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means this sudden louring of the heavens, and that dark cloud arising from beneath the western horizon? Don’t you hear distant thunder? Don’t you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against the ship! The air is dark! the tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The ship is on her beam ends! What next?” It is said, that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose, with united voices and minds, and exclaimed, “Take to the longboat!” Mr. Whitfield, seizing upon this reply, urged them to take to Jesus Christ as the long boat, with an ingenuity which produced the happiest effects.
SENSIBILITY
A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. “How,” said she, “can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death?” “Why not, madam?” said the butcher; “you wouldn’t eat them alive, would you?”
GRATIFYING REFLECTION
An English baronet, being asked when he should finish his house, ingenuously answered, “Sir, it is a question whether I shall finish my house, or my house finish me.”
ALDERMAN WOOD
A certain alderman, when young, was thought clever at carving figures from wood. He was asked from whence he copied them? “No where,” said the worthy dignitary; “I made ’em all out of my own head.”
“Thus Pallas sprang from brains of Jove.”
MATHEMATICAL WIND
One morning, after a tempestuous night, during which several trees were rooted up, Dr. Vince, at Cambridge, met a friend, who said, “Good morning, doctor; a terrible wind this!” “Yes, sir,” replied the doctor, smiling; “quite a mathematical wind, for I see it has extracted several roots!”
BON MOT OF GEORGE IV
The king, when Prince of Wales, attending Lewes races one day, when a drenching rain kept away the greater part of the expected attendants, on its being observed how few of the nobility had been upon the course, “I beg pardon,” said the prince; “I think I saw a very handsome sprinkling of the nobility.”
WELSH GENTILITY
When James I. was on the road near Chester, he was met by such numbers of the Welsh, who came out of curiosity to see him, that the weather being dry and the roads dusty, he was nearly suffocated. He was completely at a loss in what manner to rid himself of them civilly; at last one of his attendants, putting his head out of the coach, said, “It is his majesty’s pleasure that those who are the best gentlemen shall ride forwards.” Away scampered the Welsh, and but one solitary man was left behind. “And so, sir,” says the king to him, “you are not a gentleman, then?” “O yes, and please your majesty, hur is as good a shentleman as the rest; but hur ceffyl (horse), God help hur, is not so good.”
YOUR BIRTH
We often laugh at our neighbours’ mistakes; they might have smiled at our own, had they overheard a passenger in one of our steam packets, who wished to inform a French lady on board that her “berth was ready,” make the communication as follows: – “Madame votre NAISSANCE est arrangée.”
SIR CHARLES WETHERELL
This distinguished member of the House of Commons has too much of the free-born Englishman about him to submit to the thraldom of braces. A certain high officer in the House is said to have remarked, that during the whole course of his speech he observed but one lucid interval. “And which was that?” inquired Mr. P – . “The space,” replied the former, “between his waistcoat and the waistband of his trousers.” “You jest,” replied Mr. P – , “and should rather say, if you noted the hue of his under garment that it was darkness visible.”
TAXES
Some profound financiers tell us, that it is of no consequence to us how much we are taxed, because the taxes raised are not thrown away, but spent among us. We might as well tell the housewife, that when her fagot is burned it is not wasted; it is merely decomposed and sent into the atmosphere, and that it will return in some shape or other: both stories are very philosophical; but the old lady would tell you that she could not replace her fagot without putting her hand into her pocket.
UNEXPECTED INTERPRETATION
An independent elector of one of the midland counties, when called upon by a young slip of aristocracy, who was canvassing the freeholders, replied, that if the right honourable candidate would engage to bestow on his (the elector’s) second son a situation in his lordship’s gift, in the event of its becoming vacant, the suffrage should certainly be given as solicited. “My dear sir,” was the reply, “I shall be too proud to serve your son.” The scion of the noble house of – was returned, and the vacancy anticipated by the elector shortly occurred; but his lordship wisely disposed of it to one from whom he had still something to expect. The disappointed voter was exclaiming loudly to one of his acquaintances against this breach of faith on the part of his lordship. “I do not perceive,” answered his friend, “that he has been guilty of any. He told you that he should be too proud to serve your son, and the event has shown that he spoke the truth.”
ONE EXCEPTION
A disappointed author, indulging in a vein of abuse against a successful rival, exclaimed, “He is, without exception, the most superficial, self-sufficient, ignorant shallow creature that ever made any pretensions to literature.” “Gently, my dear sir,” interrupted a gentleman; “you quite forget yourself.”
GO TO BRIGHTON
A poor valetudinarian was recommended to take a change of air for the benefit of his health. “Go to Brighton,” said the medical man; “the air of Brighton is very good for pectoral complaints.” “But very bad for pocket complaints, is it not doctor?” replied the invalid.
GIVING THE DEVIL HIS DUE
Swift, in preaching an assize sermon, was severe upon the lawyers for pleading against their consciences. After dinner, a young counsel said some severe things upon the clergy, and added, that he did not doubt, were the devil to die, a parson might be found to preach his funeral sermon. “Yes,” says Swift, “I would, and would give the devil his due, as I did his children this morning.”
OUT OF PLACE
When the beau-monde held their coteries, and pitched tents upon the leads of the houses, it was referred to a person, who, not approving of it, said that it was making too great an encroachment upon the cats.
CURTAILED
A strapping fellow told a diminutive man that he was “curtailed of man’s fair proportion.” “If you will just step out on the green,” said the little one, “you shall find that I am not cur-hearted, although I am cur-tailed.”
A GOOD MOVE
Sheridan being on a Parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated, and ready to commence business: perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and, looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said, “Will any gentleman move that I may take the chair.”
LORD ERSKINE
At a trial about an engraving, where several distinguished artists were summoned to give evidence, Lord (then Mr.) Erskine, after flourishing away, made an attempt to puzzle Mr. Stothard, by drawing two angles on a piece of paper, an acute and an obtuse one, and asking, “Do you mean to say these two are alike?” “Yes, I do,” was the answer. “I see,” said Erskine, turning round, “there is nothing to be got by angling here.”
SMART REPARTEE
A officer in the army being entertained at a gentleman’s table while he was in Scotland, happened to commend very highly a dish of fish. A rigid parson of the kirk, looking upon him as a reprobate for being pleased with his dinner, said, “While you pamper the flesh, sir, I hope you do not starve the inward man; the soul is not fed at the mouth, and you ought not to lust after the food that perisheth.” The officer was somewhat surprised at this sermon in miniature; but perceiving that his monitor was, like Sir John Falstaff, hugely waisted, he replied, with a smile, fixing his eyes full upon the preacher’s protuberant paunch, “I will be admonished by your example, for I see plainly by your tabernacle, that your food does not perish.” He then proceeded to exercise his knife and fork with additional vigour, as the plump kirkman encouraged him by his actions not to pay any regard to his words.
FASHIONABLE DINNER HOUR
Some one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and later, “Aye,” quoth Sam Rogers, “It will soon end in our not dining till to-morrow.”
THE INFERNAL MACHINE
The infernal machine exploded in the streets of Paris after Bonaparte’s carriage had passed, but before Josephine’s came up; which being the subject of conversation in a miscellaneous company in England, some one asked what they were talking of. “Nothing material,” answered a wit; “only a blow up between the First Consul and his wife.”
LORD THURLOW
Lord Thurlow, Lord Chancellor of England, was one of the sternest, and, at the same time, most tempestuous men that ever lived. A mace-bearer, who had attended him for years in awful silence, one day thought he perceived something like a bright streak of good humour enter the lurid horizon of his lordship’s face, and ventured to simper out, “My lord, there is a fine day.” “Damn you and the day too!” thundered out the black-browed chancellor.
CONJECTURAL KNOWLEDGE
The following brief, but pithy dialogue, occurred on the Epsom road, between a Cockney and a countryman: —
Cockney. I say, Bill, my good fellow, vich is the way to Epsom.
Countryman. How did you know that my name was Bill?
Cockney. Vy, I guessed it.
Countryman. But how do you know that I was a good fellow?
Cockney. Vy, I guessed it.
Countryman. Then, guess the way to Epsom.
JAMES THE SECOND’S SINGLE GOOD THING
There is but one instance on record of James II. uttering an expression of wit or humour, and, strange to say, that would appear to have been expressed from him by the weight of his sorrows at the Revolution. During the advance of the Prince of Orange towards London, as, morning after morning, some leading man or other was found to have left the king’s camp during the night, and gone over to the Liberator, the Prince of Denmark used to exclaim, as each successive instance was related to his majesty, “Est il possible?” (Is it possible?) as if he could not believe there was so much treachery in human nature. At length, the good Prince of Denmark found it necessary, with his wife Anne, to follow the example of those well-principled persons: James remarked, when told of it in the morning, “What! is Est-il-possible gone too!”
PROOF
A woman, suspected of having given poison to her husband, was apprehended by the constable. The man certainly looked very ill; yet, as there was no direct proof, and as, above all things, he had not died, there was some probability in her favour. Mr. Constable was sadly puzzled between the pro and con; and was at last fairly driven from the field by the following appeal from the weeping lady: – “I never gave him any thing to hurt him: only open him, and you will see how false it is!”
DR. FRIEND
Dr. Friend, coming home after having got himself highly praised at a dinner party, was called out to see a lady taken dangerously ill. With some difficulty he went, or rather was led, to the bedside of the patient; where, holding fast by a bed-post with one hand, he seized with the other the lady’s wrist; but all attempts to note the pulsations were vain, and he could only mumble out, “Drunk, by Jove! Drunk!” “Oh, madam,” cried the waiting-maid, as soon as the physician was gone, “what a wonderful man! How soon he discovered what was the matter with you!”
SIR RICHARD JEBB
This eminent physician was a man of impatient, irritable temper, and, when bored with the querulous complaints of some of his patients, could hardly ever force himself to return a civil answer. Sometimes his irritability led him to explode in a furious anathema, mingled with horrible oaths; sometimes he assumed a tone of quiet but severe sarcasm. A troublesome patient, who only fancied himself ill, pestered him one day with inquiries as to what he should eat. “My directions on that point,” said Sir Richard, “will be few and simple: You must not eat the shovel, poker, or tongs, for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, for they are windy; but any thing else you please!”
BEST UPPER LEATHER
The following sound advice occurs in an almanack: – “If you wish to have a shoe of durable materials, you should make the upper leather of the mouth of a hard drinker; for that never lets in water.”
DÆDALUS
A fellow once brought a vast number of people together in London by giving out that, on a certain day, he would fly over Westminster Hall, in the manner of Icarus. One of the crowd, waiting for this sight on Westminster Bridge, inquired of a neighbour, “Pray, who was Icarus?” to which the reply was, “The son of Diddle-us, I believe.”
DR. RADCLIFFE
Dr. Radcliffe was avaricious, and would never pay his bills without much importunity. A pavior, after many fruitless attempts, caught him as he was going out in his chariot. “Why, you rascal,” said the doctor, “do you pretend to be paid for such a piece of work? Why, you have spoiled my pavement, and then covered it over with earth to hide your bad work.” “Doctor,” said the pavior, “mine is not the only bad work the earth hides.” “You dog, you,” said the doctor, “are you a wit? You must be poor; come in and be paid.”
LORD SANDWICH
Lord Sandwich, a member of that administration which carried on the American war, though a dignified looking nobleman in dress, was so ungainly a walker on the street, that, on a gentleman of his acquaintance expressing a doubt whether an individual at a distance was his lordship or not, another is said to have remarked, “Oh, yes, I am sure it is Lord Sandwich, for, if you observe, he is walking down both sides of the street at once.” His lordship used to relate of himself that, having once taken lessons in dancing at Paris, he asked the professor at the conclusion, if he could do him any favour in his own country; to which the man replied, bowing, “I should take it as a particular favour if your lordship would never tell any one of whom you learned to dance.”
OLD BAILEY WIT
A man was tried for stealing a pair of boots from a shop-door in Holborn, with which he ran away. Judge, to shoemaker, who had pursued and seized the prisoner– “What did he say when you caught him?” Witness– “My lord, he said he took the boots in a joke.” Judge– “And pray, how far was he off when you caught him?” Witness– “About forty yards, please your lordship.” Judge– “I am afraid this is carrying the joke too far;” and he condemned the prisoner.
WATERLOO MEDAL
A Frenchman sneered at a British soldier for wearing a Waterloo medal, a thing which did not cost the English government three francs. “It may have cost the English government only three francs,” said the soldier; “but it cost the French a Napoleon besides.”
BOLD REPLY
James the Second, who so seldom said a good thing, one day said a very ill-bred one. He declared, in the midst of his courtiers, that “he had never known a modest man make his way at court.” To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied, “And, please your majesty, whose fault is that?” The king was struck, and remained silent.
A GOOD SORT OF MAN
“Pray,” said a lady to Foote, “what sort of man is Sir John D.?” “Oh! a very good sort of man.” “But what do you call a good sort of man?” “Why, madam, one who preserves all the exterior decencies of ignorance.”
TIME AT ROYAL DISCRETION
The great have always been flattered, but never was adulation carried farther than on the part of a lady of honour to Queen Anne. The queen having asked her what the time was, “Whatever time it may please your majesty,” was the reply.
VALUABLE EVIDENCE
In a case of assault, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman! “Did you see the defendant throw the stone?” “I saw a stone, and I’ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it.” “Was it a large stone?” “I should say it wur a largeish stone.” “What was its size?” “I should say a sizeable stone.” “Can’t you answer definitely how big it was?” “I should say it were a stone of some bigness.” “Can’t you compare it to some other object?” “Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump of chalk.”
UNPLEASANT COMPLIMENT
Mr. Pitt being in company with the late Duchess of Gordon, who spoke the Scotch dialect in the broadest manner, she told him that some of her family had gone to France, and was asked by him why she was not of the party. She said in answer, “That it was very awkward to be in a country and not know the language.” “Why,” said Mr. Pitt, “your grace has not found any such inconvenience in England.”
PAINT
The old Duchess of Bedford, if born, as she herself once declared, before nerves came in fashion, had not at least been born before it was fashionable to paint. Her grace was, indeed, notoriously addicted to rouge, which she used in uncommon quantities. Lord North one day asked George III. when his majesty had seen the old lady? The king replied, “He had not seen her face, nor had any other person, he believed, for more than twenty years.”
CONDESCENSION IN LOVE
When Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Porter, he told her he was of mean extraction; had no money; and had an uncle hanged! The lady by way of reducing herself to an equality with him, replied that she had no more money than himself, and that, although she had not a relation hanged, she had fifty who deserved hanging. And thus was accomplished this singular amour.
VERACITY
A gentleman in company with Mr. C. Bannister boasted that he had destroyed five hundred men with his own hands. “Sir,” said Charles, “I have killed a few in my time also – let me see: five at Madrid, ten at Lisbon, twenty at Paris, thirty at Vienna, and double the number at the Hague. At length, coming over from Calais to Dover, I had scarce disembarked, when a desperate fellow of an Irishman killed me.” “Killed you!” said Munchausen; “what do you mean by that?” “Sir,” replied the wit, “I did not dispute your veracity, and why should you question mine?”
TAKE ADVICE
A gentleman who used to frequent the Chapter Coffeehouse, being unwell, thought he might steal an opinion concerning his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking Dr. Buchan, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint? “I’ll tell you,” says the doctor – “you should take advice.”
PROOF OF A CIVILIZED COUNTRY
The writer of a modern book of travels, relating the particulars of his being cast away, thus concludes – “After having walked eleven hours without tracing the print of a human foot, to my great comfort and delight I saw a man hanging upon a gibbet; my pleasure at this cheering prospect was inexpressible, for it convinced me that I was in a civilized country, there being no such thing among savages.”
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LITERAL AND LITERARY
During the institution of a society in Liverpool for the purpose of literary improvement, a gentleman of strong body but of slender wit applied to be admitted a member; “I think,” said he to the president, “I must certainly be a vast acquisition to a society of this kind, as I am undoubtedly a great man in the literal sense of the word!” “True,” replied the other; “but I am afraid you are but a little man in the literary sense of the word.”
PURE ENGLISH
The English ambassador demanded of Louis XIV. the liberation of the Protestants who had been condemned to the galleys on account of their religion. “What would the King of Great Britain say if I asked him to liberate the prisoners in Newgate?” “Sire,” replied the ambassador, “the king, my master, would grant your majesty’s request if you reclaimed them as your brethren.”
PROOF OF SANITY
Sir Theodore Mayerne, physician to King James I., and who made an immense sum by his practice, was once consulted by a friend, who laid two broad pieces of gold on the table (six and thirties), and Sir Theodore put them into his pocket. The friend was hurt at his pocketing such a fee; but Sir Theodore said to him, “I made my will this morning, and if it should appear that I refused a fee, I might be deemed non compos.”
BUT!
In a case of assault, where an eminent brewer was concerned, the following ingenious argument was stated in the pleadings to have been used by that individual: “If there be any charge made against the beer, rebutt it.” It was this clench in jest, which led to the assault in earnest; so that neither your if nor your but is a certain peacemaker.
COMPETITION OF WONDERS
Several gentlemen at a party contested the honour of having done the most extraordinary thing. A reverend D.D. was appointed to be judge of their respective pretensions. One produced his tailor’s bill, with a receipt attached to it; a cry went through the room, that this would not be outdone; when a second proved that he had arrested his tailor for money lent to him. The palm is his, was the universal outcry; when a third observed, “Gentlemen, I cannot boast of the feats of either of my predecessors; but I have returned to the owners two umbrellas that they had left at my house.” “I’ll hear no more,” cried the arbiter; “this is the very ne plus ultra of honest and unheard of deeds; it is an act of virtue of which I never before knew any person capable: the prize is yours.”
LORD PETERBOROUGH
The eccentric Lord Peterborough, though one of the most brilliant of modern military characters, was overshadowed by the Duke of Marlborough. On a temporary return from Spain, where he was commanding, he found all his projects, proposals, and recommendations taken by the ministry ad referendum which disgusted him so much, that he threw himself into a sedan chair to return home, and drawing the curtains all round, sat indulging in his own morose thoughts. As he was passing through the streets, the populace took up an idea that he was the rival general, and gathered round, crying, “God bless the Duke of Marlborough! God bless the Duke of Marlborough!” “Gentlemen,” said his lordship, pushing down one of the windows, “I am not the Duke of Marlborough.” “O yes,” said a spokesman of the multitude, “you are the Duke of Marlborough: we know you well enough.” “Gentlemen,” said Lord Peterborough, “I am not the Duke of Marlborough. Let me down,” he cried to the chairman. Got out of the chair, and now standing, – “I am not the Duke of Marlborough, I tell you, and I will now give you two convincing proofs that I am not; one is, that I have but a single guinea,” and he turned his pockets inside out: “the other is, that I give it you;” and he threw it among them.
LEGAL ADVICE
“Sir,” said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, “will you tell me if this is a good seven-shilling piece?” The lawyer pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with great gravity, “if you’ll send your lad to my office, I’ll return the fourpence.”
BON MOT OF GEORGE II
A heavy-heeled cavalry officer, at one of the Brighton balls, astounded the room by the peculiar impressiveness of his dancing. A circle of affrighted ladies fluttered over to the prince, and inquired by what possibility they could escape being trampled out of the world by this formidable performer. “Nothing can be done,” said the prince, “since the war is over; then he might have been sent back to America, as a republication of the stamp act.”
PULTENEY, EARL OF BATH
Lord Bath passed for one of the wisest men in England. “When one is in opposition,” was one of his sayings, “it is very easy to know what to say; but when one is minister, it is difficult to know what not to say.”
ANOTHER OF THE SAME
Lord Chancellor Loughborough told the Duke of Bridgewater he never knew Lord Bath. “How?” said Bridgewater; “were you not a minister at the same time that he was a minister?” “Yes,” was the reply, “personally; but I used to go to bed before twelve, and Lord Bath never was himself (that is, in the full plenitude of his faculties and gaiety) till after.”
ADVANTAGES OF LOW PRICES
A gentleman in one of the steam-packets asked the steward, when he came round to collect the passage money (of 6d. each for the best cabin), if there was not some danger of being blown up? The latter promptly replied, “No, sir, not the least; we cannot afford to blow people up at these low prices.”
JACOBITISM
Lord Peterborough, about the time of the revolution of 1688, was anxious to obtain a fine singing canary from a coffeehouse keeper in London, his mistress having taken a fancy for it. Finding the people obstinately bent against selling it, he at last contrived to steal it, leaving a female one in its place. Some two years after, he ventured to say to the good woman of the house, that he supposed she would now take the money he formerly offered for the bird. “Indeed, sir,” answered she, “I would not; nor would I take any sum for him; for, – would you believe it? – from the time that our good king was forced to go abroad and leave us, the dear creature has not sung a note!”
A TERRIBLE THING OUT-TERRIBLED
A dull play-wright, about to read one of his compositions in the green-room at Drury Lane, observed, that he knew nothing so terrible as reading a piece before such a critical audience. “I know one thing more terrible,” said Mrs. Powell. “What can that be?” asked the author. “To be obliged to sit and hear it.”
WRECKERS
The people at a certain part of the coast of Cornwall, where wrecks frequently happen, used to be so demoralized by the unrestrained plunder of the unfortunate vessels, that they lost almost every humane feeling. It is said that even the clergy sunk under the dominion of this species of selfishness, and were almost as bad as the people. One Sunday, the news of a wreck was promulgated to a congregation engaged in public worship; and in an instant all were eagerly hurrying out at the door, to set off towards the spot. The clergyman hereupon called, in a most emphatic voice, that he only desired to say five more words to them. They turned with impatient attention to hear him. He approached, as if to address them; when, having got to the front of the throng, “Now,” says he, “let us start fair!” and off he ran, all the rest following him, towards the place where the wreck had happened, which, it is believed, he was the first to reach.
SIR ISAAC NEWTON
All the world has heard of Sir Isaac Newton roasting himself before a great fire, till informed of the possibility of escaping the fate he apprehended by pushing back his chair. The story of his employing the finger of a lady, whom he was courting, as a tobacco-stopper is equally well-known. Not so that which follows: – Dr. Stukely, one day visiting Sir Isaac by appointment, was told by a servant that the philosopher was in his study. No one was permitted to disturb him there; but as it was near dinner time the visitor sat down to wait for him. After a time, dinner was brought in – a boiled chicken under a cover. An hour passed, and Sir Isaac did not appear. The doctor ate the fowl, and, covering up the empty dish, bade the servant dress another for her master. Before that was ready the great man came down; he apologised for his delay, and added, “Give me but leave to take my short dinner, and I shall be at your service; I am fatigued and faint.” Saying this, he lifted the cover, and, without any emotion, turned about to Stukely with a smile: “See,” says he, “what we studious people are; I forgot I had dined.”