Various
English Jests and Anecdotes
ANSER CAPITOLINUS
“Boy, what have you got before you there?” cried a pursy old doctor of divinity, who sat at the head of a table in one of the colleges of Oxford, to a young man a good way down. “Anser Capitolinus,” cried the boy in reply. “A capital answer,” roared the doctor; “send me a wing.”
LORD BATEMAN
In 1781, Lord Bateman waited upon the king, and with a very low bow, begged to know “at what hour his majesty would please to have the stag hounds turned out.” “I cannot exactly answer that,” replied the king, “but I can inform you, that your lordship was turned out about two hours ago.” The Marquis Caermarthen succeeded him.
WAY TO TURNHAM GREEN
Oliver Goldsmith being at supper one night with a lady, who was making an apology for the brownness of her pickles, very gravely desired her to send them to Hammersmith. “To Hammersmith, doctor!” says the lady; “why, is there any thing particular in that place?” “O yes, madam,” says he, “that is the way to Turn’em Green.”
A JIBE AT THE SCOTCH
In a company where Johnson and Foote were together, the emigration of the Scotch to London became the subject of conversation: Foote insisted that the emigrants were as numerous in the former, as in the present reign; the doctor the contrary: this dispute continued with a friendly warmth for some time, when Johnson called out, “You are certainly wrong, Sam; but I see how you are deceived; you cannot distinguish them now as formerly, for the fellows all come breeched to the capital of late years.”
POLITICAL BON-MOT
Some one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley that in his arrangements of the ministry, “His brother the Duke had thrown him overboard.” “Yes,” said the Marquis, “but I trust I have strength enough left to swim to the other side.”
FROG MORGAN
Frog Morgan, a barrister of very diminutive size, before he was much known at the bar, had commenced an argument, when Lord Mansfield, not aware of his stature, called upon him repeatedly to get up, conceiving that he was not addressing the court standing. “My lord, I am up,” screamed out the little man; “and I have been up these ten minutes.”
SERGEANT PRINCE
Sergeant Prince, a contemporary of Murphy, the translator of Tacitus, has described that gentleman as the most lengthy and soporific speaker of his time. Bar, Bench, jurors, attorneys – nay, even the javelin-men, nodded under their somnolescent influence. A counsel getting up to reply to him, began, “Gentlemen, the long speech of the learned sergeant – ” “I beg your pardon, sir,” interrupted Mr. Justice Nares, “you might say the long soliloquy of the learned sergeant, for my brother Prince has been talking an hour to himself.”
UNATTACKABLE
An officer was defending himself before Sir Sydney Smith for not having attacked a certain post, because he had considered it unattackable. “Sir,” said the gallant chief, “that word is not in English.”
BIBLICAL COMMENT
At the commencement of the French revolutionary war, an honest farmer, who read his Bible every Sunday, went to his rector, and asked him whether he did not think that the contest would go very hard with the French? The rector replied, that, if pleased God, he hoped it would. “Nay,” said the farmer, “I am sure it will then; for it is said by the prophet Ezekiel, chap. xxxv. verse 1, ‘Son of man, set thy face against Mount Sier;’ now, my wife, who is a better scholar than I am, says this can be nothing but Mounseer, the Frenchman; and in almost the next verse it is still stronger, for there the prophet adds, ‘O, Mount Sier, I am against thee and I will make thee most desolate.’”
DANGER OF DOING HOMAGE
Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant, who served George the Third, was a great favourite with the good old king, and was admitted to the honours of the Royal Hunt. Returning from the chase one day, his majesty entered, in his usual affable manner, into conversation with him, riding side by side with him, for some distance. Lord Walsingham was in attendance, and watching an opportunity, whispered to Mr. Carbonel, that he had not once taken off his hat before his majesty. “What’s that, what’s that, Walsingham!” inquired the good-humoured monarch. Mr. Carbonel at once said, “I find I have been guilty of unintentional disrespect to your majesty, in not taking off my hat; but your majesty will please to observe that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig to my head, and I am on the back of a high-spirited horse; so that if anything goes off, we must all go off together.” The king laughed heartily at this whimsical apology.
SHERIDAN’S GREEK
Lord Belgrave having clenched a speech in the House of Commons with a long Greek quotation, Sheridan, in reply, admitted the force of the quotation so far as it went; “But,” said he, “had the noble lord proceeded a little farther, and completed the passage, he would have seen that it applied the other way.” Sheridan then spouted something, ore rotundo, which had all the ais, ois, kous, and koes, that gave the world assurance of a Greek quotation; upon which Lord Belgrave very promptly and handsomely complimented the honourable member on his readiness of recollection, and frankly admitted that the continuation of the passage had the tendency ascribed to it by Mr. Sheridan, and that he had overlooked it at the moment when he gave his quotation. On the breaking up of the House, Fox, who piqued himself on having some Greek, went up to Sheridan, and asked him, “Sheridan, how came you to be so ready with that passage? It certainly is as you say, but I was not aware of it before you quoted it.” It is almost unnecessary to observe that there was no Greek at all in Sheridan’s impromptu.
SHERIDAN AND CUMBERLAND
When the “School for Scandal” came out, Cumberland’s children prevailed upon their father to take them to see it: they had the stage-box; their father was seated behind them; and, as the story was told by a gentleman, a friend of Sheridan’s, who was close by, every time the children laughed at what was going on on the stage, he pinched them, and said, “What are you laughing at, my dear little folks? you should not laugh, my angels; there is nothing to laugh at;” and then, in an under tone, “Keep still, you little dunces.” Sheridan having been told of this long afterwards, said, “It was very ungrateful in Cumberland to have been displeased with his poor children for laughing at my comedy; for I went the other night to see his tragedy, and laughed at it from beginning to end.”
WHIMSICAL PUN
When the Marquis of Tullibardin was at Cambridge, he was made the subject of a pun, by the young waggish Cantabs, in the following manner: they took their opportunity and locked the young nobleman up in his apartments, and then calling to their fellows with much clamour, shouted, “See Cicero in prison!” The Marquis was then expostulating through the open window, and begging to be released. “Cicero in prison!” said the puzzled Cantabs, not comprehending the joke. “Yes,” said the joker, “it is Tully-barr’d-in.”
ANECDOTE OF PARSON PATEN
Parson Paten was so much averse to the Athanasian Creed that he would never read it. Archbishop Secker having been informed of his recusancy, sent the archdeacon to ask him his reason: – “I do not believe it,” said the priest. “But your metropolitan does,” replied the archdeacon. “It may be so,” rejoined Mr. Paten, “and he can well afford it; he believes at the rate of seven thousand a year, and I only at that of fifty pounds.”
SCRIPTURE AUTHORITY
A quaker married a woman of the Church of England. After the ceremony, the vicar asked for his fees, which he said were a crown. The quaker, astonished at the demand, said, if he would show him any text in the Scripture which proved his fees were a crown, he would give it unto him: upon which the vicar directly turned to the twelfth chapter of Proverbs, verse 4th, where it is said, “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband.” “Thou art right,” replied the quaker, “in thy assertion; Solomon was a wise man; here are the five twelvepenny pieces, and something beside to buy thee a pair of gloves.”
MEANING OF THE VERB “TO DOCTOR.”
A physician being out a-shooting one whole morning without killing any thing, his servant begged leave to go over into the next field, for he was sure there was some birds there; “and,” adds the man, “if there are, I’ll doctor them.” “Doctor them,” says the master, “what do you mean by that?” “Why, kill them, sir.”
CHARLES II. AND DR. BUSBY
King Charles II., on a certain time, paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the doctor strutted through his school with his hat on his head, while his majesty walked complacently behind him, with his own hat under his arm; but when he was taking his leave at the door, the doctor, with great humility, thus addressed the king: “I hope your majesty will excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my boys were to imagine there was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to rule them.”
MOUNTAIN ANECDOTE
A party had once climbed a considerable way up the usual track on the side of the Skiddaw, when a gentleman (a stranger to the rest of the company) who had given frequent broad hints of his being a man of superior knowledge, said to the guide, “Pray, what is the highest part of this mountain?” “The top, sir,” replied the guide.
LONG BIT
“Your horse has a tremendous long bit,” said a friend to Theodore Hook. “Yes,” said he, “it is a bit too long.”
SADDLEWISE
“Shall I cut this loin of mutton saddlewise?” said a gentleman carving. “No,” said his friend, cut it bridlewise, for then we may all chance to get a bit in our mouths.
A BLACK JOKE
A negro passing along Fleet Street, was astonished at hearing a voice call out, “How d’ye do, Massa Mungo; How d’ye do, Snowball?” and, on looking up, observed it proceeded from a parrot in a splendid gilt cage. “Aha, Massa parrot,” said Blackee, “you great man here, you live in gold house now; but me know your fader very well, he live in bush.”
AN ILLEGAL SOLICITOR
An attorney being much molested by a fellow importuning him to bestow something, threatened to have him taken up as a common beggar. “A beggar!” exclaimed the man, “I would have you know I am of the same profession as yourself; are we not both solicitors?” “That may be, friend; yet there is this difference – you are not a legal one, which I am.”
NO STRANGER OF ME
A parson who had a scolding wife, one day brought home a brother clergyman for dinner. Having gone into a separate apartment to talk to his spouse about the repast, she attacked and abused him for bringing a parcel of idle fellows to eat up their income. The parson, provoked at her behaviour, said, in a pretty loud tone, “If it were not for the stranger, I would give you a good drubbing.” “Oh!” cried the visitor, “I beg you will make no stranger of me.”
NIMROD AND RAMROD
A gentleman, who thought his sons consumed too much time in hunting and shooting, gave them the appellation of Nimrod and Ramrod.
THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS
When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day, the doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription. “No, truly, doctor,” said Nash; “if I had, I should have broken my neck, for I threw it out of a two-pair of stairs window.”
LUDICROUS THREAT
A very young officer, striking an old grenadier of his company for some supposed fault in performing his evolutions, was unable to reach any higher than his legs. The grenadier, upon this infantine assault, gravely took off his cap, and holding it over the officer by the tip, said, “Sir, if you were not my officer, I would extinguish you.”
SMALL CAPITAL
Tom Brown having once asked a man how he contrived to live in these hard times? was answered, “Why” Master Brown, “I live, as I believe you do, by my wits.” “Truly,” replied Tom, “you must be a much more able trader than I ever thought you, to carry on business, and live upon so small a capital.”
GOODNESS OF GEORGE I
The king leaning carelessly out of a window, with the skirts of his coat gaping behind, a stout scullion perceiving the favourable situation, and mistaking his sacred majesty for one of the cooks, advanced on tiptoe, and, with a well extended arm, discharged a heavy blow on the royal buttocks. “Zounds!” cried the king, “what the devil’s the matter now?” The poor woman, thinking herself undone, fell upon her knees, and excused herself by protesting she had mistaken his majesty for Bertrand. “Well,” replied the king, rubbing briskly the aching part, “if it had been Bertrand, where was the necessity of striking so hard?”
PRESSING REASON
A spunger was reproached one day for dining so often among his friends. “What would you have me to do?” answered he; “I am pressed to do it.” “True,” answered Monk Lewis, “there is nothing more pressing than hunger.”
ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER
Buck, the player at York, was asked how he came to turn his coat twice: he replied, smartly, that “one good turn deserved another.”
EFFECTIVE SERMON
Dean Swift once preached a charity sermon at St. Patrick’s Church, Dublin, the length of which disgusted many of his auditors; which coming to his knowledge, and it falling to his lot soon after to preach another sermon of the like kind, in the same place, he took special care to avoid falling into the former error. His text was, “He that hath pity upon the poor, lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath given, will He pay him again.” The dean, after repeating his text in a more than commonly emphatical tone, added, “Now my beloved brethren, you hear the terms of this loan: if you like the security, down with your dust.” It is worthy of remark, that the quaintness and brevity of this sermon produced a very large contribution.
PURGATORY
The Count de Villa Medinna, being at church one day, and finding there a Religious who begged for the souls in purgatory, he gave him a piece of gold. “Ah! my lord,” said the good father, “you have now delivered a soul.” The count threw upon the plate another piece: “Here is another soul delivered,” said the Religious. “Are you positive of it?” replied the count. “Yes, my lord,” replied the monk, “I am certain they are now in heaven.” “Then,” said the count, “I’ll take back my money, for it signifies nothing to you now, seeing the souls are already got to heaven; there can be no danger of their returning again to purgatory.” And he immediately gave the pieces to the poor that were standing by.
ANECDOTE OF SHERIDAN
In the midst of his distresses, Sheridan had one day invited a party of friends to dine with him, amongst whom were a few noblemen of the Opposition party; but, upon examining his cellar, a terrible deficiency was found. He was largely in debt to Chalier, the great wine-merchant, and for two years had been unable to obtain from him any further credit. He put his imagination to work and tried the following expedient. He sent for Chalier on the day of the dinner in question, and told him that luckily he was just in cash, and wished to settle his account. Chalier was much pleased; but told him, as he had not the account with him, he would return home and bring it. He was about to leave the room, when, as if upon sudden recollection, Sheridan said, “Oh, Chalier, by-the-by, you must stop and dine with me to-day; I have a party to whom I will introduce you – some leading members of both Houses.” Chalier, who was fond of good company, and also hoped to meet with a recommendation, was obliged to Sheridan for the offer, and promised to be with him at the hour appointed. Upon his return home, he informed the clerk of his cellars that he was going to dine with Mr. Sheridan, and probably should not be home till it was late. Sheridan had fixed the hour of six to Chalier, but desired him to come before that time, as he had much to say to him in private. At about five o’clock, Chalier came to his appointment, and he was no sooner in the house, than Sheridan sent off a servant, with a note to the clerk, desiring him, as Mr. Chalier was favouring him with his company, to send, as soon as possible, three dozen of Burgundy, two dozen of claret, and two dozen of port, with a dozen of old hock. The clerk, knowing his master was at Sheridan’s, and thinking that the order came with his concurrence, immediately obeyed it. After dinner, every body praised the fine qualities of Sheridan’s wines, and all were desirous of knowing who was his wine-merchant. Sheridan, turning towards Chalier, said, “I am indebted to my friend here for all you have tasted, and am proud to recommend him.”
MATCHES
It was told Lord Chesterfield, that Mrs. M – , a termagant and scold, was married to a gamester; on which his lordship said, “that cards and brimestone made the best matches.”
LITTLE MONEY
Mr. Money, a little dapper man, was dancing at the York Assembly with a tall lady of the name of Bond; on which Sterne said, “There was a great bond for a little money.”
FRIENDS AT COURT
A gentleman, begging Villiers, the witty Duke of Buckingham, to employ his interest for him at court, added, that he had nobody to depend on but God and his grace. “Then,” said the duke, “your condition is desperate: you could not have named any two beings who have less interest at court.”
CONFESSION
Some time after a late nobleman had abjured the Roman Catholic religion, he was sent ambassador to France, where he resided several years. Being one day at an entertainment, a noble duke, his near relation, rallying him on the score of religion, asked his lordship whether the ministers of state, or the ministers of the gospel, had the greatest share in his conversion. “Good God, my lord duke!” replied the witty peer, “how can you ask me such a question? Do you not know that when I quitted the Roman Catholic religion I left off confession?”
WIT OF A RESURRECTIONIST
A large party of soldiers surprising two resurrection men in a churchyard, the officer, seizing one of them, asked him what he had to say for himself: – “Say, sir!” replied the surgeon’s provider, “why, that we came here to raise a corpse, and not a regiment.”
BREAKING UP OF A NURSERY
The organ of early destructiveness sometimes exhibits itself in a droll way. The mother of a family was one day saying, that as soon as the youngest child was of such an age, she should break up the nursery. “La, mamma!” said one of the children, “that will be fine sport – I’ll break up the chairs, and John shall break up the tables.”
BOW STREET BON-MOT
A lady went into the Police Office, Bow Street, and inquired the price of some fur and silk articles. Townsend quizzingly replied, “Oh, ma’am, we’re all fair and above board – we’ve no cloaks here.” To which the lady rejoined, “Sir, I beg pardon; I really thought that this was the celebrated pelisse office.”
A YORKSHIRE EATING MATCH
There was a famous eating match at a village in Yorkshire, between two men, named Gubbins and Muggins, which caused a great deal of interest in the neighbourhood; and a countryman, leaving the place before the match was decided, was stopped by almost every one on the road with “Who beats? how does the match get on?” &c.: to which he answered, “Why, I doant exactly know – they say Gubbins’ll get it; but I thinks Muggins’ll bet ’un yet, for when I leaft he was oanly two geese and a torkey behind him!”
ALL GONE OUT
A gentleman having appointed to meet his friend on particular business, went to his house and knocked at the door, which was opened by a servant girl. He informed her he wanted her master. “He is gone out, sir,” said she. “Then your mistress will do,” said the gentleman. “She,” said the girl, “is gone out too.” “My business is of consequence,” returned he; “is your master’s son at home?” “No, sir,” replied the girl, “he is gone out.” “That’s unlucky indeed,” replied he; “but perhaps it may not be long before they return; I will step in and sit by your fire.” “Oh, sir,” said the girl, “the fire is gone out too.” Upon which the gentleman bade her inform her master, that he did not expect to be received so coolly.
MUSICAL TASTE
A gentleman being asked his opinion of the singing of a lady who had not the purest breath, said, “That the words of the song were delightful, but he did not much admire the air.”
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHIGS AND TORIES
“Pray, Monsieur l’Ambassadeur,” said the late King of France one day at his levee, “what do you take to be the difference between a Whig and a Tory?” “Please your majesty,” was the reply, “I conceive the difference to be merely nominal; the Tories are Whigs when they want places, and the Whigs are Tories when they have got them.”
THE PRETENDER’S HEALTH
There was not much wit, but there was some good humour in the reply George II. made to a lady, who, at the first masquerade his majesty was at in England, invited him to drink a glass of wine at one of the beaufetes. With this he readily complied, and the lady filling a bumper, said, “Here, mask, the Pretender’s health;” then filling another glass, presented it to the king, who, receiving it with a smile, replied, “I drink with all my heart to the health of all unfortunate princes.”
NO PAY NO PRAY
When Jonas Hanway once advertised for a coachman he had a great number of applicants. One of them he approved of, and told him, if his character answered, he would take him on the terms which they had agreed upon; “But,” said he, “my good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that every evening, after the business in the stable is done, I shall expect you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour to attend family prayer; to this, I suppose, you can have no objection?” “Why, as to that, sir,” replied the fellow, “I does not see much to say against it, but I hope you’ll consider it in my wages.”
A COBBLER’S END
A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobbler, who had just died in the street, a man asked Alexander Stevens “What was to be seen?” “Oh!” replied he, “only a cobbler’s end.”
MORE THAN I CAN SWALLOW
An illustrious person told Mr. D – , of C – , that he had drunk two bottles of champagne and six of port. “That,” said Mr. D – , “is more than I can swallow;” and if the wit was relished, it was never forgiven.
GIVING UP THE GHOST
A player performing the Ghost in Hamlet very badly, was hissed; after bearing it a good while, he put the audience in good humour by stepping forward and saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am extremely sorry that my humble endeavours to please are unsuccessful; but if you are not satisfied, I must give up the Ghost.”
A DEAR WIFE, INDEED
A gentleman just married telling Foote he had that morning laid out three thousand pounds in jewels for his dear wife. “She is truly your dear wife,” replied the wit.
NO VOICE IN THE CITY
A gentleman passing the evening among some friends in the city, was requested, in his turn, to favour the company with a song; he politely declined it, alleging that he was so indifferent a performer, that any attempt of his would rather disgust than entertain. One of the company, however, asserted that he had a very good voice, and said, he had frequently had the pleasure of hearing him sing. “That may be,” resumed the other, “but as I am not a freeman, I have no voice in the city.”
SUCH SPARKS AS YOU
As Lady B – L – was presiding one evening at the tea-table, one of her ruffles caught the flame of the tea-lamp, and was burned before it could be extinguished. Lord M – , who was of the party, and thought to be witty on the accident, remarked, “He did not think her ladyship so apt to take fire.” “Nor am I, my lord,” replied she with great readiness, “from such sparks as you.”
LORD TOWNSEND
At the battle of Dettingen, as Lord Townsend, then a young man, was marching down pretty close to the enemy, he was observed to be so very thoughtful (as is usual with most officers on their first battle) as to take no notice of a drummer’s head that was shot off just before him, though he received some of the brains on his coat. A veteran officer observing this, went up to him, and endeavoured to rouse him, by telling him the best way in these cases was not to think at all. “Oh! dear sir,” says the other, with great presence mind, “you entirely mistake my reverie; I have been only thinking what the devil could bring this little drummer here, who seemed to possess such a quantity of brains.”
ACTOR OF ONE PART
A little after Lord Chatham (then Mr. Pitt) had changed his political sentiments in regard to the protection of Hanover, in the course of replying one day in the house of Commons to Sir Francis Blake Delaval, he threw out some sarcastical reflections on him for appearing on the stage; upon which the other got up and acknowledged it was true; youth and whim led him once to amuse himself that way; but he could safely lay his hand on his heart and say, “He never acted but one part.”
SHERIDAN AND THE PLAY-WRITER
During Sheridan’s management of Drury Lane, an author5 had produced a play which he offered to Covent Carden, saying, that it would make Drury Lane a splendid desert. His play failed; but, soon after, he prevailed on a friend to present a new one to Sheridan. “No! No!” exclaimed the latter, “I can’t agree to connive at putting his former threat into effect.”
THE ESQUIMAUX WOMAN
Major Cartwright used to relate many curious particulars of this woman; among others, that on being shewn the interior of St. Paul’s, she was so struck with astonishment and awe, that her knees shook under her, and she leaned for support on the person who stood next to her. After a pause of some moments, she exclaimed, in a low and tremulous voice, “Did man make it, or was it found here?”
A SIMPLE MACHINE OUT OF ORDER
A gentleman, remarkable for having a great deal of lead in his forehead, called one morning on a counsellor, who had asked what news? “Why,” says the other, “I do not know; my head is confoundedly out of order this morning.” “That is extraordinary news, indeed,” says the counsellor. “What! an extraordinary thing for a man to have the headache!” ”No, sir,” says he, “I do not say that; but for so simple a machine to be out of order is extraordinary indeed!”
JOHNSON AND THE CARCASS BUTCHER
An eminent carcass butcher, equally as meagre in his person as he was in his understanding, being one day in a bookseller’s shop where Doctor Johnson was, took up a volume of poems, and, by way of shewing his taste, repeated with great affectation the following line: —
“Who rules o’er freemen, should himself be free.” “There is poetry for you, doctor, what do you think of that?” “Rank nonsense, sir,” says the other; “it is an assertion without a proof; and you might, with as much propriety, say, —
‘Who slays fat oxen, should himself be fat.’”
QUID RIDES?
A tobacconist having set up his chariot, in order to anticipate the jokes that might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it the Latin motto of “Quid rides?” Two sailors, who had frequented his shop, seeing him pass by in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the inscription, when his companion said it was plain enough, repeating it as two English words, Quid rides.
TOASTING CLOTH
A child having got a flannel cloth to dry, while his mother was busied otherwise, held it so close to the fire that it soon began to change colour. “Mamma,” he cried, “is it enough when it looks brown?”
ETYMOLOGISTS
Dr. Parr being asked who was his immediate predecessor in the mastership of the free school at Norwich, replied, “It was Barnabas Leman, an honest man, but without learning, and very tyrannical in his discipline. This man had the impudence to publish, by a half-guinea subscription, what he called an ‘English Derivative Dictionary,’ in quarto. He pretended to find a derivation for every word in Saxon, German, Dutch, Latin, Greek, and Hebrew. No matter what the word was, whether culinary or vernacular, he undertook to find its etymology. Coming to ‘pig’s pettytoes’ (a Norfolk way of dressing the feet of sucking pigs), he was a little puzzled, but it did not stop him; so he wrote, as it now stands in the book, ‘Pig’s petty-toes – a dish of which the author of this Dictionary is very fond.’”
There lately resided in an Ayrshire village, a man who, like Leman, proposed to write an Etymological Dictionary of the English language. Being asked what he understood the word pathology to mean, he answered, with great readiness and confidence, “Why, the art of road-making, to be sure.”
MR. ABERNETHY
A lady, very much afflicted with nervous complaints, went to consult the celebrated surgeon, Mr. Abernethy. The rough and caustic manner in which he catechised her, so discomposed the fair one’s weak spirits, that she was thrown into a fit of hysterics. On parting, she put the usual fee into his hand, in the form of a one pound note and a shilling. Mr. Abernethy pocketed the note with one hand, and with the other presented the shilling to her, saying, gravely, “Here, madam, take the shilling; go to the next toy-shop, buy a skipping-rope, and use it every day; it will do you more good than all my prescriptions!”
INESTIMABLE VALUE OF A TAIL
A monkey-faced fellow offered himself to Garrick as an actor. “It will not do,” says Garrick; “but if you had a tail, no money should part us.”
TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT
One meeting an acquaintance, who was a printer by profession, inquired of him, “If it was true Mr. – had put a period to his existence?” “No, no,” replied the typographer, “he had only put a colon, for he is now in a fair way of recovery.”
STOCK-JOBBERS
A carpenter in Dorsetshire was employed to make a pair of stocks for the parish, for which he charged a good round sum. One of the parochial officers said, “You have made a good deal by that job.” “Yes,” said Master Chip, “we stock-jobbers always attend to our own interest.”
COURAGE
A man, in the habit of travelling, complaining to his friend that he had often been robbed, and was afraid of stirring abroad, was advised to carry pistols with him on his journey. “Oh! that would be worse,” replied the hero, “the thieves would rob me of them also.”