Вадим Иванович Кучеренко
The Curse of Hermes Trismegistus
Act 2
Vykhuholev and Ogranovich sit in the room. The man plays chess. In front of the woman is a bottle of vodka and a glass, which she fills and drinks from time to time.
Ogranovich. What time is it, can anyone tell me?
Vykhuholev. It’s about four or five o’clock.
Ogranovich. Can you be more precise?
Vykhuholev. I can't really. My watch and mobile phone were taken away by the professor before the session. As well as are your accessories. And only he can tell where they are now. But to do this he needs to come to his senses. So what are we waiting for!
Ogranovich. It’s like a nuthouse! Can't you call an ambulance at least?
Vykhuholev. What for?
Ogranovich. They will take professor to the hospital and we would go home. By the way, meanwhile we are waiting, whether he would die or not, I might take a hot bath with a glass of good cognac. (Drinking) Oh! What a nasty thing!
Vykhuholev. What nonsense are you talking about, Elena Pavlovna?
Ogranovich. What?! Well, a woman is not allowed even to dream!
Vykhuholev. A woman is surely allowed.
Ogranovich. Are there your dirty hints again?
Vykhuholev. There are not the hints, Elena Pavlovna. You are sipping vodka like a real man, even without a snack.
Ogranovich. But why should I mix the taste?
Vykhuholev. And how can one drink at work? I can’t understand that! Andrey Sigizmundovich wouldn’t like that.
Ogranovich. I don’t like this story either, but I keep silence. So, he will cope with that too.
Vykhuholev. So, what do you dislike, buddy?
Ogranovich. So much effort – and all down the drain! And if the professor goes nuts, what then?
Vykhuholev. How should I know?
Ogranovich. Don't tell me lies, you know Myshevsky as well, as I do. He will do anything to get what he wants. After all, they offered this freak to sell his apartment. But he refused from such big money!
Vykhuholev. You should definitely drink less, Elena Pavlovna. That’s what I know for sure.
Ogranovich. But keep in mind, pleasе, that my role in this adventure is to register the deal, and nothing more. If there is a dead body, there is no deal. I have nothing to do with wet work.
Vykhuholev. Oh, God! What a jargon, Elena Pavlovna! It doesn’t suit an intelligent woman.
Ogranovich. I’ve picked it up from my third husband. Or fourth?! Anyway, it doesn't matter. He was an investigator for the prosecutor's office. So, that’s it.
Vykhuholev. I wonder, Elena Pavlovna, how many husbands have you had in total? There were so many of them…
Ogranovich. The most important is that I do remember. So, don’t worry.
Vykhuholev. I am just wondering: you don't look like a young chick, who would change her husbands like purses, as soon as they get out of fashion. So, did your husbands leave you?
Ogranovich. Take it easy, shrink. I didn’t make an appointment with a psychiatrist.
Vykhuholev. Anyway, would you please satisfy my curiosity for the sake of our old friendship?
Ogranovich. Okay, I’ll tell you as my old friend. You know, psychiatrist, every husband has his own limit. Position, salary, connections – everyone has a different one. But as soon as a man reaches his limit, he is no longer interesting to a woman, as a husband. She starts looking for another one whose limit is wider. And it’s so on… As long as she is still interesting to anyone, as a woman.
Vykhuholev. And besides, you are also a cynic, Elena Pavlovna.
Ogranovich. We, women, have this cynicism by nature. At the genetic level. Since we have to think about procreation. And any random male is not suitable for this purpose. You always want the best variant for your children.
Vykhuholev. And may I ask you, how many children do you have, Elena Pavlovna?
Ogranovich. So what? Not every woman is able to. But the instinct itself has remained! And what about you? Why are you still single, psychiatrist?
Vykhuholev. I haven’t met the perfect life partner yet.
Ogranovich. Oh, you are a romantic guy! Then find a way, how we can get out of this pile of shit we've got in without getting dirty up to the ears.
Vykhuholev. The question is not by my salary. Let Myshevsky think about it.
Ogranovich. No way! He always suggests such things that you will never wash them off in life … Oh, by the way, he’s right there!
Myshevsky enters.
Vykhuholev. So, what ‘s news, Andrey Sigizmundovich?
Myshevsky. The professor came to his senses. But he fell asleep immediately after the injection. Now he is sleeping peacefully like a baby. A nurse is on duty next to him. And his son is hanging around nearby, like a moth over a lamp. So we have time to think.
Ogranovich. About what?!
Myshevsky. About this situation. Don’t you think, my dear, that I’ve invited you here to drink vodka for free?
Ogranovich. I’ve just drunk a couple of short glasses! (drinking). Uff! Professor's vodka is such a rubbish.
Myshevsky. Quiet! Someone is coming.
Rodion enters.
Ogranovich. Would you like some vodka, Rodik? It's scary to look at you.
Vykhuholev. That’s because Rodion Stalverovich resembles the rider of the apocalypse on a white horse. But here, the horse is missing to complete the whole picture.
Rodion. Don’t you have no one else to hang out on?
Ogranovich. What an angry raisin! Come here, I'm going to eat you!
Myshevsky. Don't worry so much, Rodion! Olga Alekseevna assures that there is no danger to his life. She is a good nurse. We can trust her.
Rodion. But she also says that the father has just experienced a strong emotional shock and its consequences are unpredictable.
Myshevsky. Indeed, Stalver Udarpyatovich needs a good rest at the good sanatorium. He needs smart doctors, caring medical staff, and the best medicines.
Rodion. All these little things require money. And where can I get them?
Myshevsky. Wait a second, Rodion! You ‘ve just recently received a big loan from my bank. You haven’t spent it all, have you?
Rodion. Actually, I have. I’ve spent almost everything. I don't know for sure… What if I ask for some more?
Myshevsky. They will not give you until you pay off the previous debt.
Rodion. And you?
Myshevsky. What about me?
Rodion. My father has made you outrageously rich. Can't you pay for his treatment?
Myshevsky. Did you say outrageously rich? Well, let’s see… this still needs to be tested.
Rodion. And how long will this testing take?
Myshevsky. I think, only Hermes Trismegistus knows that.
Rodion. What a bullshit!
Myshevsky. Just think, Rodion. Even if the correction in the recipe is right, you need to get the philosopher's stone first. After that you should try to turn metal into gold. Besides, it will take time to start a production process. I think it will take a few years… As I see, my words have upset you, haven’t they?
Rodion. Upset? I'm totally killed! It is too long.
Myshevsky. Too long for what, may I ask you?
Rodion. For me… I mean for my father.
Myshevsky. And I think you’ve just said exactly what you wanted to. Is that right, Sergey Yurievich?
Vykhuholev. Sure! You don’t need to study Freud to say that.
Ogranovich. Even I understood it right. After three short glasses of vodka.
Rodion. You misunderstood me, I told you! What a nasty manner to focus on certain words!
Myshevsky. Well, let it be your way, Rodion. But tell me the truth: have you really believed all this nonsense?
Rodion. I don't quite understand you.
Myshevsky. Well, I quite understand your father: he is an elderly person, crazy with philosophy and loneliness. But you are a young and reasonable man. Alchemy, transmutation, spirits – how can you believe all these fairy tales for the feeble-minded?
Rodion. But you do believe that!
Myshevsky. Well, I said that, but didn’t really mean that! Perhaps, I had my own reasons.
Rodion. First, you hooked my father on this topic, and now you claim that all this is rubbish? No, I'm not a sucker, as you may think! Medieval alchemists were able to turn metal into gold.
Myshevsky. Most of them were charlatans, if not to say worse. I can reveal you one of their tricks how they used to deceive people. They just took a piece of copper, then they melted it in front of the crowd, uttering mysterious spells and waving a magic wand. When the metal got solid, it appeared to look the color of gold. But it only appeared! It was all about the magic wand.
Rodion. I don’t believe you!
Myshevsky. You’d better do! You see, that magic stick made of wood was empty inside. It used to be stuffed with pieces of tin and covered with wax. And when the false alchemist used to touch the molten metal with that stick, the wax was also melting. As a result, some tin fell into boiling copper. And probably, you know, Rodion, that the alloy of copper and tin has a specific color and luster that could be easily taken for gold. If a person doesn’t have knowledge of chemistry, it is easy for him to make a mistake. The magic stick itself used to be burnt out, leaving no evidence. Everything in this process seemed to be true, having nothing to do with fraud. So, the audience was happy, so as the alchemists.
Rodion. Holy cow! Is that really true?
Myshevsky. Well, time will tell, of course… But why wait? After all, you need money now, as far as I understand. And you can get them immediately. Is it interesting for you?
Rodion. Of course, Andrey Sigizmundovich. What should I do for this? To rob your bank?
Myshevsky. Oh, you haven’t lost your sense of humor, Rodion. That’s great! No, you won’t have to rob a bank. It will be enough just to talk to your father.
Rodion. About what?
Myshevsky. What can a beloved son talk about to his adored father? Inheritance, of course!
Rodion. About inheritance? But my father is an ordinary Soviet man! Everything he has earned during his life is on these bookshelves.
Myshevsky. You are mistaken, Rodion. Your father has something for which you can get good money.
Rodion. And what is it?
Myshevsky. This apartment.
Rodion. Oh, forget it!
Myshevsky. Why?
Rodion. Not long ago, my father has been already contacted about this topic. They offered him good money for the apartment. But he refused. And he even threatened anyone who would ever say a word about it. So, that’s it.
Myshevsky. I know about that.
Rodion. Then why are you talking about it?
Myshevsky. Times change, circumstances also change…
Rodion. It reminds me of a phrase something like “you cannot enter the same river twice” and other philosophical bullshit. Anyway, you should know my father better. If he has made a decision, he really means that. After all, he is a true philosopher, he can be happy with little.
Myshevsky. If so, go on… keep on living expecting his death. But I can't promise that my offer will be in effect then. This apartment interests me purely as a relic. But there are other architectural relics in this city. And their owners are more open-minded.
Rodion. But why am I to blame?
Myshevsky. Only because you don’t want to look for the problem solutions. You are like an ostrich, that just hides its head in the sand and doesn't think about anything.
Rodion. I do want!
Myshevsky. I guess so… The question is what do you want? Money? I’ve already said that you won't get them from me just like that. And, by the way, a term of the bank loan return is coming one of these days. Are you ready for this?
Rodion. But I was hoping…
Myshevsky. Hoping that I will forgive your debt? Or will pay it myself?
Rodion. Why not? After all, I’ve persuaded my father …
Myshevsky. Don't tell me lies, boy! I know for sure, you didn't even talk to your father about the seance. You were not up to it. You were in a hurry to spend my money. So, you’ve deceived me, saying that your father discusses everything with you before making a decision. In fact, your father thinks you are too young and foolish to listen to your opinion.
Rodion. Rubbish!
Myshevsky. Are you offended? And you want me to apologize to you?
Rodion. Actually, yes.
Myshevsky. There is nothing easier. Give me my money back. And I will apologize. I, Myshevsky will apologize to you, Rodion Golyshkin. Because I really respect people who pay their bills.
Rodion. Could it be some other way?
Myshevsky. How?
Rodion. You don't apologize. And I don't pay. Well, it's not like I don't pay at all, of course. But you give me some period of time.
Myshevsky. And for how long?
Rodion. Well… Let’s see…
Ogranovich. So, these are the words of a truly loving son! He cannot admit that all his hopes for the future are connected with his father’s death.
Myshevsky. Be silent, when I speak, please!.. So I am waiting, Rodion.
Rodion. I don’t know! Dam it! I pledge you!
Myshevsky. That’s something different, my boy. Anyone who asks me for mercy can hope for my forgiveness. Whoever resists me will be destroyed. Remember it!
Rodion. I'll remember! I promise! But what should I do now? Give me some advice!
Myshevsky. It’s very simple. Can you see these two lovely people?
Rodion. These?! They don't seem nice to me.
Myshevsky. Who do they seem to you?
Rodion. They are more like rats. Fed up and arrogant.
Myshevsky. Maybe you are right. But these are my rats. And I’ve fed them. So they will do whatever I tell them to.
Rodion. There is no doubt in it.
Myshevsky. Now listen to me carefully, because I’m not going to say it twice. Now you will go to your father and require from him to issue a power of attorney for the right to sell your apartment. The power of attorney will be issued for you. We do have a notary here. There is that rat with a glass in her hands. So the deal will be settled in half an hour.
Rodion. And if the father jumps off the topic?
Myshevsky. Then you will threaten him.
Rodion. Me? Threaten my father?! How? With a metal baton?
Myshevsky. Say, that you will claim him crazy. There is also a psychiatrist here. That rat over there in the corner. Within the same half an hour, he will make the necessary diagnosis and call the orderlies. The father will be taken to a psychiatric clinic and declared incompetent. And then you will come into inheritance rights.
Rodion. And then what?
Myshevsky. You will sell me the apartment right away.
Rodion. Can I have some time to think over?
Myshevsky. But not too long. Otherwise my rats will get hungry. Each minute they are getting angrier and more merciless, so as I am.
Rodion. Ok, I agree.
Myshevsky. I didn't have doubts in it. Yet at our first meeting, you seemed to me a sensible person, Rodion. That's why I bet on you.
Rodion. So, can I go now?
Myshevsky. Of course. And please, call Olga Alekseevna to me. She doesn't need to witness your conversation with the father.
Rodion. Yes, I understand.
Myshevsky. I doubt it. But it doesn't matter.
Rodion leaves.
Ogranovich. What matters then?
Myshevsky. Did you ask me something?
Ogranovich. You may not answer, if you don’t want.
Myshevsky. Why not? I guess, you need to know this. Just in case if you decide to betray me one day.
Ogranovich. What a nonsense!
Myshevsky. Be silent when I’m speaking! It’s the second time you have broken this golden rule today.
Vykhuholev. Please, forgive her, Andrey Sigizmundovich. The lady is just a little drunk. Is that right, Elena Pavlovna?
Ogranovich. Holy truth! The professor's vodka is a real rubbish. Uff!
Myshevsky. Okay, I forgive you. But the third time will be the last one… So, dear Elena Pavlovna, the important thing is that I never bet on one horse.
Ogranovich. When you mean the professor's son, you are talking about a horse, but when you mean us, you are calling us rats… Is there justice in this world, I ask you?
Myshevsky. And how would you like to be called, Elena Pavlovna?
Ogranovich. If you use the same horse terminology, then you may call me Bucephalus – a faithful warhorse of the great Alexander the Great.
Vykhuholev. So, I was right. Here we have a clear megalomania.
Ogranovich. Every third person in the world suffers from schizophrenia. And psychiatrists are not the exception.
Vykhuholev. Suffers? Why suffer? I, personally, enjoy my schizophrenia. And what about you?
Ogranovich. As for me, I enjoy only vodka. Wouldn't you like to have a glass?
Vykhuholev. No, let me limit to schizophrenia by now. Andrey Sigizmundovich, and what about you?
Myshevsky. What about me?
Vykhuholev. What do you enjoy?
Myshevsky. Why are you asking me about it, Sergey Yurievich? You have always seemed to me an inquisitive person. I do appreciate you for this.
Vykhuholev. In this case my interest is professional, not personal.
Myshevsky. Really?
Vykhuholev. Let me be frank with you…
Myshevsky. Certainly.
Vykhuholev. Without any terrible consequences for my future?
Myshevsky. Your introduction has intrigued me, really. Try not to disappoint me furthermore!
Vykhuholev. Frankly speaking, Andrey Sigizmundovich, as a psychiatrist, I see your behavior … a little bit strange.
Myshevsky. For how long?
Vykhuholev. Since the time you started dealing with this apartment.
Myshevsky. Why?
Vykhuholev. The apartment is so-so, to be honest. That’s not your level, Andrey Sigizmundovich. It neither can be sold profitably, nor it’s suitable for living. Unless you make a renovation, which will cost much more than the apartment itself, considering that this is an architectural monument. But in spite of all this, you were ready to give a lot of money for it. And when the owner refused to sell it, you came up with such an adventure, that comparing to which, the most sophisticated fantasies of my patients fade. So, what for?
Myshevsky. Get to the point, Sergey Yurievich! Why do you beat around the bush like a male spider in front of a female one during mating?
Vykhuholev. Actually, I don't recognize you. I don’t understand you. And this worries me. As a psychiatrist.
Myshevsky. Do you think, Sergey Yuryevich, that it’s me who should be taken to the madhouse, instead of professor with his spiritualist nonsense?
Vykhuholev. I didn't say that.
Myshevsky. But you meant that. You did mean that, didn’t you?
Vykhuholev. I haven't lost my mind yet.
Myshevsky. No, you will tell me! Or I will strangle you!
Myshevsky comes up to Vykhukholev and grabs him by the throat.
Ogranovich. Do it! Come on! I've been dreaming about this for a long time!
Myshevsky. Tell me!
Vykhuholev. Whatever you want! Just let me go!
Myshevsky. Oh, not now! You asked what I enjoy? Here is my answer!
Vykhuholev. You will kill me! Help! Anyone!
Olga enters.
Olga. What's going on here? Andrey Sigizmundovich! Let him go!
Myshevsky. Do you demand that?
Olga. I beg you! Look, his face has already turned blue!
Myshevsky. Well, if so… I can't refuse when a woman asks me. Go in peace, Sergey Yurievich! And sin no more.
Vykhuholev. Thank you… Oh, my neck! You’ve turned it on the side!
Ogranovich. Lucky you, psychiatrist! You wouldn't get away from me just so easily…
Vykhuholev. But what for?!
Ogranovich. Wipe your nose! You cry like a woman! It serves you well. You’ve exhausted me with your dammed psychoanalysis.
Olga. Stop it, please! Don't you see, he is feeling bad!
Ogranovich. But, don’t you think that I was feeling good from his stupid questions? Let this sniffy impotent go and amuse his libido at some other place!
Myshevsky. Don’t worry, Olga Alekseevna. We were just joking.
Olga. Were you joking?
Myshevsky. Well, yes, we were playing a theatrical impromptu. It’ s a parody of Othello. And what did you think?
Olga. It seemed to me…
Myshevsky. Olga Alekseevna, shame on you! Do I pay you for your fantasies?
Olga. No.
Myshevsky. Right. I hired you to fulfil my orders. Without any improvisation. Is that right?
Olga. Yes.
Myshevsky. Then why are you breaking our agreement?
Olga. Me?!
Ogranovich. That's it, let her tell why she is violating!
Vykhuholev. And I also want to hear that. Or even better to look.
Myshevsky. You both! Go away!
Ogranovich. We would be glad to …
Myshevsky. What are you muttering there?
Vykhuholev. Elena Pavlovna is wondering where and why you have just sent us, Andrey Sigizmundovich!
Myshevsky. Stop messing around! Walk around the rooms and make an inventory description of all the possessions. It’s necessary to know what I'm buying from the professor.
Ogranovich. Should we make a description with the possessions cost evaluation?
Myshevsky. It doesn’t matter. It is important for me to find out if anything from the previous owner has survived. And if so, then it has no price. And for everything else, I won’t give a broken penny.
Vykhuholev. Should we look for something specific?
Myshevsky. I am interested in any thing which was made more than half a century ago. Is there anything else unclear for you?
Vykhuholev. Everything is quite clear.
Myshevsky. Then, go out of my sight! And don't come back without a full description.
Vykhuholev. Can we start from this room?
Myshevsky. This is the room you will end up with.
Ogranovich. Oh, I wish I were ten years younger …
Vykhuholev. Why, Elena Pavlovna?
Ogranovich. Then, psychiatrist, they wouldn't get me out of the room like a mangy dog. And that is just because someone has a fresher face and a tastier buttocks…
Ogranovich and Vykhukholev leave.
Myshevsky. Clowns! However, sometimes they are useful. That's why I tolerate them and put up with their fricking. But you girl! I'm starting to feel like you're useless to me.
Olga. But I have fulfilled all your desires!
Myshevsky. You really think so?
Olga. But why? To begin with, it was me, who persuaded professor to conduct this seance.
Myshevsky. How arrogant of you! But I’ve already heard it today, but from another person. Who of you should I believe?
Olga. He's lying! It was me who has been visiting the professor every day. I’ve been giving him injections, measuring his blood pressure, giving pills. And the main thing is that I’ve been listening to him, admiring him, shamelessly seducing him. Although, I was sick and tired of his flabby ass and abstruse phrases. And when the professor could no longer do without me, I said that I was bored with him. And only then he agreed to hold this session. Just to see me again.
Myshevsky. Well, let's assume that it was like that…
Olga. Exactly like that! And it was me, who installed a remote-controlled voice recorder in the bathroom. And I turned it on, when the session began. Mysterious noises gave some credibility to the whole performance. Even the professor himself believed in the reality of what was happening. You are a genius, Andrey Sigizmundovich! You’ve calculated everything so accurately. You haven’t missed a single detail!
Myshevsky. There are no trifle things in important matters, girl. By the way, where is my voice recorder? Is it still where you hid it?
Olga. After the session, I took it away, so that the professor or his son would not accidentally find it.
Myshevsky. That's what I praise you for! For your foresight.
Olga. And it was also me, who gave the answer of Hermes Trismegistus to the professor during the session. Word by word. All as you told me!
Myshevsky. And that's right.
Olga. Then why do you accuse me of violating the agreement then?
Myshevsky. Haven’t you forgotten anything, girl? When I found you and offered to work for me, I immediately warned you that the matter was really serious. However, I offered a lot in return. The Iguazu Falls.
Olga. Yes, you promised that. Will you keep your word?
Myshevsky. Of course. When the job is done.
Olga. But I thought…
Myshevsky. I am to think here. The others just do. Precisely and with no questions. Everyone but you.
Olga. What have I done wrong?
Myshevsky. You’ve done a little bit more than what I ordered. And this "little bit" can destroy my whole plan.
Olga. I don’t understand what you are talking about!
Myshevsky. I ordered you to seduce the professor. But not to play love with his son. It was too much.
Olga. But I thought it would be better!
Myshevsky. You see, just one tender word that this boy would say in front of everyone … Just one loving glance that he would not be able to hide … And my whole brilliant plan would go to hell! The father, in accordance with the law of nature, would yield you to him. And would disinherit him. He would keep the apartment as compensation for his rejected love. And what will you tell me then? That you “thought” it would be better? I'll grind you to dust then!
