Вадим Иванович Кучеренко
The Curse of Hermes Trismegistus
Myshevskiy. Some translations of his books are available today. Unfortunately, they are too distorted. Almost nothing could be understood from them.
Golyshkin. Well, are you sure that during a spirit séance this mythological Egyptian would show up from the other world and open you his secret recipe?
Myshevskiy. Why not? I think many people before me tried to do this. Most of them didn’t succeed. But some were lucky.
Golyshkin. It looks like you are absolutely sure, Myshevsky, that Hermes Tricemegistus wouldn’t reject you.
Myshevskiy. Not me.
Golyshkin. Why?
Myshevskiy. Because what I need from Hermes Tricemegistus is not the recipe of the elixir-stone. I already know this recipe.
Behind the door Rodion tries to kiss Olga’s lips, but she blocks his lips with her hand.
Rodion. Why not, Olya? Don’t you like it?
Olga. Hush!
Olga puts her finger on his lips encouraging him to listen to the voices in the room.
Golyshkin. Did you get your recipe from one of those poor translations of that great Egyptian alchemist? Or did you get it from those books destroyed by fire at the Alexandrian library?
Myshevskiy. Don’t mock professor. I inherited it from my father.
Golyshkin. Well, well… Excuse me, what did your father do?
Myshevskiy. There is nothing supernatural. In his youth he was attracted by archeology. He used to go to archeological expeditions as a simple worker. During one of the expeditions they came across a half destroyed tomb in the desert. While digging my dad found a cache in the wall with an ancient manuscript in it. It was a sheet of parchment half destroyed by time and sand. Some unreadable hieroglyphs were written there. My dad was an honest person, but you should keep in mind, that he was young…
Golyshkin. So, he stole the manuscript?
Myshevskiy. I would put it another way. He held it back. Most likely, it was against his own will. As he said later, some supernatural power conquered his will. When my father returned to his consciousness he was sitting in his tent at the camp. He didn’t remember how he got there unnoticeable walking from the tomb. The parchment carefully covered with a clean shirt was in his backpack. Later, my dad felt ashamed of what he did but it was too late to get back. Even if he had returned the parchment he would have been blamed for theft anyway and expelled from the expedition. He would have probably been arrested. Stealing of the state property was punished more strictly than murder at those times.
Golyshkin. You know, in the Middle East, they used to cut a hand to a thief. In ancient Russia they used to mark a thief and tear out his nostrils. However, people keep on stealing here and there. I think supernatural power has nothing to do with it. That is human nature. Your father was afraid but had stolen anyway. Why did he need this parchment? I doubt that he understood what it was. Did he really think that somebody would buy this shabby sheet of paper?
Myshevskiy. Let it be your way, professor. Okay, let’s assume that supernatural power has nothing to do with it and my dad was a simple wrecker. However, in order to justify him I’d like to say the following: for many years my dad had been trying to read what was written on the parchment. He didn’t sell this shabby paper – as you call it – he didn’t even try.
Golyshkin. So, did he manage to read it?
Myshevskiy. It took him almost his whole life. For a few years he had been learning that dead language. During the following few decades he had been trying to decipher the words. Hermes Tricemegistus used a special cipher to put down his great secret.
Golyshkin. Are you sure it was Hermes Tricemegistus?
Myshevskiy. Absolutely. As sure as a gun. The parchment was signed by the great Egyptian. But even without it the text spoke for itself. It was a recipe of the elixir-stone.
Golyshkin. So, your dad… did he use the recipe?
Myshevskiy. Fortunately, not. By the time when the secret text was deciphered my dad was seriously ill. Soon after that he died. The only thing he did was to hand the parchment to me. He expected that I would fulfill the business of his whole life.
Golyshkin. Wait a second! Why did you say “fortunately”?
Myshevskiy. Because he didn’t feel that frustration that I did. I tried to prepare the elixir-stone.
Golyshkin. And you failed, as far as I understand.
Myshevskiy. After my experiment I received very beautiful crystals of deep-ruby color. It turned out to be Argentum Chloraurate with a high concentration of gold – forty four percent! During a fusing process the crystals got golden color. However, it wasn’t pure gold as we hoped.
Golyshkin. Perhaps, the alchemists called these crystals the elixir stone.
Myshevskiy. Only quacks and losers did so. I guess Hermes Tricemegistus wrote this recipe especially for them. In order to confuse them, the Egyptian made the recipe look quite naturally, but had changed some ingredient. Perhaps, only one ingredient, but it resulted in just forty four percent of gold in the substance. So, if we manage to open this little secret of the old alchemist we would become fantastically rich, professor!
Golyshkin. You said “we”? Are you sure?
Myshevskiy. Of course we. I can’t deal with this spirit-rapping stuff. All my attempts in it failed. You are an expert in spiritualism. So, I offer you to open a joint venture. My contribution to the authorized fund is the recipe of the elixir-stone willed to me by my dad. And you…
Golyshkin. Yes, what about me?
Myshevskiy. Sincere confession of Hermes Tricemegistus.
Golyshkin. It’s nonsense! Don’t you understand it?
Myshevskiy. Will you believe me if I show you the parchment
Myshevskiy takes something covered with soft cloth out of his briefcase. He unfolds it carefully and shows the manuscript to Golyshkin. He shows it at a distance not letting touch it.
Golyshkin. My God! So it's true!
Myshevskiy. What is the reason for me deceiving you? You can check the veracity of my words yourself.
Golyshkin. Are you going to give me..?
Myshevskiy wraps the manuscript in cloth and hides the package back in his briefcase.
Myshevskiy. Of course, it's not that easy. Only after you promise me to get the spirit of Hermes Trismegistus. So… Deal?
Golyshkin. Give me some time to think. I can't make a decision out of the blue like this. After all, I am a philosopher, not an adventurer.
Myshevskiy. I understand, professor. How much time do you need?
Golyshkin. I'll call you. In a week. Or by the end of the month.
Myshevskiy. I'll call you myself. If you don’t mind.
Golyshkin. But I don't promise anything!
Myshevsky. Negative answer is also an answer.
Golyshkin. Well, if so…
Myshevskiy. Well, it’s time for me to leave.
Golyshkin. Shall I guide you?
Myshevskiy. No, thanks. I'll find the way.
Golyshkin. It is not so easy. You may get lost in the maze of the rooms.
Myshevsky. It seems to me I've been here before. And that's why I'm fine with it.
Golyshkin. Oh, really? And when?
Myshevsky. Maybe in my previous life. It’s genetic memory.
Golyshkin. You are speaking with puzzles, Mr. Myshevsky.
Myshevskiy. There will come a time for clues, professor. I promise you. I'm leaving, but I’ll come back. See you!
Golyshkin. But remember – I didn't promise anything!
Olga moves away from the door and drags Rodion along with her.
Rodion. Where are you taking me? Tell me!
Olga. Don't make your guest think that we were listening.
Rodion. But we were not listening! Well, we heard a few words, but those are some nonsense!
Olga. Aren’t you stupid, boy?! Of course, I didn't get it all either. But I understood the main thing.
Rodion. And what is it?
Olga. The fact that our visitor is a very rich man.
Rodion. So, what?
Olga. He desperately needs Stalver Udarpyatovich. And if you offer him your help… Then you can demand something else in return.
Rodion. What else do you mean?
Olga. Oh, how stupid you are! Whatever you want! Job, money, recommendation…
Rodion. To shake the guy down for some cash? It's cool! But there is one weak point.
Olga. And what is it?
Rodion. My father. He's stubborn like a donkey's tail. And if he says “du hast nicht”, do not hesitate – it will be so.
Olga. But his guest doesn't know that, does he?
Rodion. Definitely not!
Olga. So, take this advantage! Promise him your help. After all, to promise does not mean to marry. But make sure to take a prepay from him.
Rodion. Well, you're right!
Olga. Of course, my boy!
Rodion. But what about later then? If the father jumps off the topic though?
Olga. We will see then. Live for now, my boy, and don't think about the future. Like a bird of God. And God will send you food for your next day.
Myshevskiy comes out of the office. Olga pushes Rodion towards him, stepping aside to stay unnoticed.
Rodion. Your chatting has been so long…
Myshevskiy. Really? I didn't notice.
Rodion. Were you messing up something important?
Myshevskiy. Maybe.
Rodion. Have you anchored my dad for your deal?
Myshevskiy. Philosophers do think long before making a decision. This is their weakness.
Rodion. That's for sure! Also, when you leave, he will call me and ask for advice.
Myshevskiy. Really?
Rodion. It's always like that in our family. My opinion means a lot.
Myshevskiy. This is quite interesting. And I think I can guess what you're driving at.
Rodion. I immediately realized that you are not a sucker.
Myshevskiy. As I see, you are a clever guy, Rodion.
Rodion. I wish my dad could hear that. He would like that!
Myshevskiy. And how much is your vote worth?
Rodion. My vote is in exchange for yours. It's fair, isn't it?
Myshevskiy. What are you talking about?
Rodion. I need a bank loan. But it is not issued without a reliable guarantor. If such a pricy guy like you vouches for me, the problem would be easily solved.
Myshevskiy. I'm sure of it. I am the chairman of a local bank board of directors.
Rodion. So, I hit the spot!
Myshevskiy. Here's my business card, Rodion. Come over by this afternoon. And we'll make a good deal.
Rodion. Without a preliminary call?
Myshevskiy. Security will be informed. Is four p.m. okay with you?
Rodion. Any time you want! But I warn you, the sum is big.
Myshevskiy. This’s fine. I don’t bargain in trifles.
Rodion and Myshevskiy leave. Olga follows them with her eyes, then she comes up to the office door, knocks and enters.
Golyshkin. Oh, what a pleasant surprise, Olenka!
Olga. We have been meeting with you every day, Stalver Udarpyatovich, for the past two weeks. I give you injections, measure your blood pressure. Besides, you knew about my visit yesterday. What is surprising about it? Or do you think that instead of regular procedures, I will offer you something new?
Golyshkin. But what if you will?! Hope dies the last, Olenka. Why shouldn't I, an old man, dream? As long as I'm alive, albeit not quite healthy.
Olga. Any young man can envy your health, Stalver Udarpyatovich. I don’t understand why you need these injections? They are so painful!
Golyshkin. The only pleasure for me is to see you, Olenka. And, yes, you are absolutely right. I'm still not as bad! There is still life in the old dog yet.
Olga. I am sure there is! I’m going to inform my supervising doctor that you don’t need the nurse care any more. You are just pretending, professor! And I am a stupid girl, so worried about you.
Golyshkin. Olenka! Of course, if you don't like these visits…
Olga. What are you talking about, Stalver Udarpyatovich! After all, you know…
Golyshkin. What do you mean? Go on, Olenka!
Olga. Oh, nothing, just never mind!
Golyshkin. Oh, don't argue with me, otherwise my blood pressure will rise. And it will be your fault, Olenka.
Olga. Then take off your pants! (takes out a syringe.) And don't try to convince me. I won't believe you anymore. Not a single word!
Golyshkin. Oh, really, Olenka… Oh!
Olga. I hope it doesn’t hurt you, Stalver Udarpyatovich?
Golyshkin. Oh, no, Olenka, your hands are so tender, like angel’s ones! I am feeling pleasure.
Olga. That's wonderful. Now let me measure your blood pressure.
Golyshkin. Sure! I confess, this procedure is more pleasant for me than injections.
Olga. Your pressure is also perfect, Stalver Udarpyatovich. No, definitely, you don't need me any more. If only just to talk to…
Golyshkin. That’s so nice to talk to you, Olenka! By the way, have you read my book? The one I gave you last week.
Olga. Of course, Stalver Udarpyatovich.
Golyshkin. And..?
Olga. And I understood almost nothing.
Golyshkin. What a pity!
Olga. You are too smart, professor! How can I, a stupid girl, understand this philosophy? I have too many questions. And there was no one to answer them. I was reading your book at nights. Alone, lying in a cold bed under the blanket. The room was lit only by a dim table lamp. A strong wind was howling sadly outside the dark window. It was so scary!
Golyshkin. Poor girl! So what's the problem? Ask me now and I will answer.
Olga. Okay. So, you wrote about necromancy…
Golyshkin. Oh, my God, Olenka, and you too!
Olga. Have I said something stupid? Oh, I really have! Not a single word about your book any more! I don't want to seem funny to you. After all, you, Stalver Udarpyatovich, are a professor of Philosophy, and who am I? Ordinary nurse from a local district clinic.
Golyshkin. Please, forgive me, Olenka! And don't take my remark personally. The reason is my today’s guest. You might have seen him.
Olga. You mean that mysteriously looking man? He passed by me and didn’t even notice me, as if I were invisible.
Golyshkin. It’s just impossible! No man in the world can behave like that. You are perfection, Olenka!
Olga. Therefore, he is not a man. It's a comforting statement. But what did you want to tell about him, Stalver Udarpyatovich?
Golyshkin. Nothing special. I mean that this man was torturing me with his talk about spiritual séances. So, when you suddenly started talking about necromancy… about the art of communicating with the dead people’ spirits… I couldn't help exclaiming emotionally. Once again, please forgive me, Olenka!
Olga. Do not apologize, Stalver Udarpyatovich. I understand you. But, in fact, this necromancy gets me interested very much. You write so exiting about it! Especially the chapter, where you say, that the dead can show the future to the living. You can’t imagine how much I would like…
Golyshkin. Why are you silent, Olenka? Go on! What would you like?
Olga. To know my future. Isn't that clear, professor? Or does it seem strange? Any woman would give a lot to know what awaits her in the future. And not in some distant future, but in the nearest. Will she get married and when? Will she have children and how many?…
Golyshkin. But it's so dangerous!
Olga. Dangerous? Why?
Golyshkin. Knowledge about the future is not given without loss. Communication with the spirits of the dead suggests some unpredictable consequences.
Olga. So what?
Golyshkin. Well, don't you understand, Olenka?
Olga. I don't think you understand, professor. Life is short. Especially for women. After all, they live only while they are young and beautiful. When youth passes and beauty fades the life ends for us. Instead, existence begins. Just existence – boring, tedious, which nobody needs, including themselves. But if only a woman could know her future! Oh! It would change a lot.
Golyshkin. I don't understand what exactly?
Olga. Of course you don’t, since you are a man! It would protect her from many mistakes. Those which are made easily, but it takes years to correct them. If there are no mistakes, there will be no wasted years. Isn't it worth it, professor?
Golyshkin. And yet you have not convinced me, Olenka.
Olga. Neither have you, Stalver Udarpyatovich.
Golyshkin. I can predict your future even without a séance.
Olga. And that would be false, professor. Shame on you! There is nothing easier than to mislead a naive girl who trusts you so much. But if you really want me to believe you…
Golyshkin. What then? Speak up, Olenka, what should I do for this?
Olga. Hold a spiritual seance.
Golyshkin. And whose spirit would you like to summon?
Olga. Anyone’s. The main thing: he has to be dead for at least a couple of centuries or millennia ago. But not as outrageously alive and healthy as you are, Stalver Udarpyatovich!
Golyshkin. Olenka, you don’t understand what you are asking. That's really true: Oh, poor, you wanted this!
Olga. Actually, I'm not asking you for anything, professor. You just asked me to be frank with you. And I freaked out in my sincerity. But how can I trust men? This will be another bitter lesson for me. Thanks for that professor!
Golyshkin. Olenka! Don't talk to me so harshly! I feel like my blood pressure is rising again.
Olga. Perhaps, you need another injection, professor?
Golyshkin. Oh, don't remind me of injections!
Olga. I won’t. Besides, I have no time now.
Golyshkin. Are you in a hurry, Olenka? And you are not going to have tea with me, as usual?
Olga. I have to visit a dozen of other patients. And very few of them feel as good as you do, professor. Remember, I'm the district nurse, not your personal one.
Golyshkin. But are you going to come tomorrow, Olenka?
Olga. Tomorrow? Maybe. Or perhaps, another nurse would come. There are a lot of good nurses in our clinic, professor. And I'm far from the best.
Golyshkin. But I've got so used to you, Olenka! And any other does not suit me.
Olga. In our life we often have to put up with something, Stalver Udarpyatovich. Don't you know this?!
Golyshkin. But, Olenka… Are you offended?
Olga. Not at all! Goodbye professor. And don't see me off. I’ll find the way myself. I know it quite well. Hopefully, I am not going to meet any ghosts on the way. If only your son. But he's not that scary, is he?
Olga leaves the office. Rodion meets her at the door.
Olga. Wouldn’t you like to tell me anything? I can see your happy face. Was your talk successful?
Rodion. You can't even imagine how successful it was! So, tonight my pockets will be full of cash like … I will be rich like King Solomon!
Olga. I think he was wise, not rich.
Rodion. But what about his diamond mines?! And his throne of pure gold and ivory on which he used to seat?!
Olga. Okay, you can tell me everything later, all about the diamond mines of King Solomon, and about your conversation with the mysterious guest of the professor.
Rodion. Are we going to meet today?
Olga. Of course, my goofy boy! Do you really think I would let you spend all the money on yourself?
Rodion. See you tonight then?
Olga. I told you that. Now let me go. It is no good to prevent a woman from fulfilling her professional duty.
Rodion. And what about tonight?
Olga. What about tonight?
Rodion. Will you be off duty then?
Olga. After work? Of course not. Definitely, you're really stupid. What are you so happy about? For being stupid?
Rodion. Because I will see you soon again. And you will no longer say that I am a boy.
Olga. Let’s wait and see.
Rodion. And what about your goodbye kiss?
Olga. Here's a blown kiss to you, my naughty boy. So far, be happy with it. And tonight…
Rodion. And tonight?!
Olga. Oh! It depends on what you tell me when we meet.
Olga leaves. Rodion jumps high, doing a somersault with his feet in the air, and hides in one of the rooms. Golyshkin looks out of his office warily. Seeing no one, he hides behind the door again.
The light gets down.
The doorbell rings several times in the darkness. Suddenly, light flashes out. Golyshkin opens the door and Rodion comes in.
Rodion. Did I wake you up, dad? Sorry. I couldn’t find my keys. I might have left them at home or lost in a taxi.
Golyshkin. I wasn’t sleeping. By the way, what time is it?
Rodion. It’s about six o’clock at night. Or should I say morning? How would it be correct from a philosophical point of view?
Golyshkin. Why are you coming back so late? And also drunk.
Rodion. Father, I am no longer a child. And I really want to sleep. Let's talk tomorrow. If you don’t mind.
Golyshkin. But what if I do mind?
Rodion. Okay, today then. But only after I get a good sleep. It will be sometime after lunch. Closer to sunset.
Golyshkin. You're in a wonderful mood, as I see.
Rodion. Did you like it better when I was locked up in my room and never went out?
Golyshkin. Of course not. But you could have called me, at least. And let me know that you were late.
Rodion. I’ve apologized, dad!
Golyshkin. For losing your keys. But not for making me worry.
Rodion. Couldn’t it be all at once? Father, let's finish this topic, please. Don't ruin this beautiful evening.
Golyshkin. Maybe you would tell me where you've been?
Rodion. Okay, I’ve been at a cool party and with a very pretty pussy. Hopefully, you are not interested in details? Like a really educated person.
Golyshkin. Aren't you interested that your old father was worrying about you? I might have had a heart attack!
Rodion. Daddy, as one person has recently said, you are outrageously healthy for your age. So don't make me feel sorry for you. It won't work.
Golyshkin. Do you mean Olga Alekseevna?
Rodion. And who else? Luckily, we don't have many common friends, especially women.
Golyshkin. When did you see her?
Rodion. Me? I don’t remember now… And why are you asking me about it in such a tone?
Golyshkin. I haven’t seen her for a week. I thought…
Rodion. Dad, has anyone told you that you think too much?
Golyshkin. Thinking never hurts anyone.
Rodion. Sometimes in life it is necessary not only to think, but also to act. But, by the way, do as you wish. Teach your grandmother to suck eggs.
Golyshkin. You're right, cool egg. Go to sleep!
Rodion. This is great! Why don't you just say goodnight to me, father? Just like mom always did.
Golyshkin. I also miss our mother, son …
Rodion. What did you say? I didn't hear, sorry.
Golyshkin. Nothing. Good night!
Rodion. Yeah. And the same to you!
Rodion leaves. Golyshkin goes to his office and walks nervously from corner to corner in the dimly lit room, thinking about something. The phone rings. The spotlight beam snatches out Myshevsky with a mobile phone in his hands.
Myshevsky. Good morning professor. Am I too early?
Golyshkin. Oh, that’s okay, Mr. Myshevsky! In fact, I haven't even gone to bed yet.
Myshevsky. Are you still thinking about my offer?
Golyshkin. You are right.
Myshevsky. So, have you made a decision?
Golyshkin. I’ve already told you – I am a philosopher, not an adventurer.
Myshevsky. I don’t like adventures either, as any serious businessman. But now it’s quite a different case. It has nothing to do with adventure. This time it has to do with gold. Oh, how it smells, professor! Much better that your favorite jasmine… Do you remember a legend about the falcon and the raven? It is better to live thirty years, eating fresh blood, than three hundred years, eating carrion.
Golyshkin. Maybe you are right.
Myshevsky. In that case… take a decision, professor!
Golyshkin. Give me another half an hour.
Myshevsky. What for?
Golyshkin. Only half an hour. And then I'll call you back. And I will definitely say yes or no.
Myshevsky. Good. Thirty minutes are not three hundred years.
Golyshkin hangs up. The spotlight beam goes down and Myshevsky disappears. Golyshkin dials the number again. The beam snatches Olga out of the darkness.
Olga. Oh, who is there so early? Just don’t say that you’ve dialed the wrong number!
Golyshkin. This is professor Golyshkin.
Olga. Stalver Udarpyatovich, is that you? Did something happen to you?
Golyshkin. Olga Alekseevna, sorry for my early call.
Olga. That’s okay… Anyway, I had to get up. The working day at our clinic starts at eight a.m., oh, dam it all! Go, tell me, what's happened to you?!
Golyshkin. You haven't come to see me for ages…
Olga. Oh, so that's the point!
Golyshkin. So, I thought… I just wanted to ask… Did I offend you somehow, Olga Alekseevna?
