Вадим Иванович Кучеренко
The Curse of Hermes Trismegistus
Olga. Oh, don’t worry, Stalver Udarpyatovich. I’m just having a lot of work these days. Besides, you don’t need the nurse aid any longer.
Golyshkin. And what about tonight, after work? Not as a nurse… But as a friend… If you let me put it like that.
Olga. What for? To discuss eternal problems? It’s so boring, Stalver Udarpyatovich! We have already talked about it. Your philosophy is immortal, unlike me, unfortunately.
Golyshkin. But if I offer you something more interesting?
Olga. What exactly? But please, don’t tempt me with the stars in the night sky. It's wonderful of course, but… I hope you understand me, professor!
Golyshkin. What about a spiritual session?
Olga. You said “seance”, is that right? It might be of some interest to me.
Golyshkin. So do you agree?
Olga. I think, I’d rather accept your invitation. And when will this exciting event happen?
Golyshkin. Very soon. I'll call you back, Olya.
Golyshkin hangs up. The spotlight goes down, then it flashes again, snatching Myshevsky out of the darkness.
Myshevsky. So what did you decide, professor?
Golyshkin. I agree.
Myshevsky. And when?
Golyshkin. I need to prepare something for the session. Will the day after tomorrow suit you?
Myshevsky. Sure. Do you mind if I invite two friends of mine?
Golyshkin. It would be nice. I was just thinking about where to find six people. We need to make a hexagram.
Myshevsky. Did you say hexagram?
Golyshkin. Yes. The six-pointed star of Solomon is the best geometric figure for our session. Of course, we might place people in a form of a pentagram. In that case we will need only five people for the session. But the effect may be weakened then. Well, I don’t think you need all these details… The result is important, as far as I understand.
Myshevsky. You are right professor. Everything else is absolutely not important.
The light goes down and then it flashes again. The doorbell rings. Golyshkin opens the door. Myshevsky comes in, followed by Vykhuholev and Ogranovich.
Myshevsky. Good evening, professor. Let me introduce you to my companions. Ogranovich Elena Pavlovna, a notary and an old friend of mine.
Ogranovich. Or it’s better to say an old warhorse.
Myshevsky. I should say, that Elena Pavlovna has a specific sense of humor. You have to get used to it. And it’s Vykhukholev Sergey Yurievich, a psychiatrist, or in other words “shrink”, as your son Rodion prefers to say.
Ogranovich. Yes, I have always said and I keep saying that today's youth is much smarter and wittier than us. We grew up in the era when everything was impossible. And they grew up when everything is possible. So, that made them…
Vykhuholev. More impudent, unscrupulous and irresponsible than we us. Elena Pavlovna, you are blinded by your passion for handsome young guys.
Myshevsky. Elena Pavlovna! Sergey Yurievich! It’s not the right time to argue! I beg you! Can you imagine that, professor? It’s always like that, when they get together…
Golyshkin. The topic that your friends have touched is urgent to me. I can talk about it for hours. But you're right, now is not the right time. Elena Pavlovna, let me help you!
Ogranovich. Don’t worry, professor! Being a woman, doesn’t mean to annoy men with all that stuff. So, don’t practice curtsies with me. Leave them for young chicks. But I am an old warhorse, as you have already heard.
Golyshkin. Hmm, Excuse me… Please, come in!
Everyone comes in the office. Golyshkin takes a seat at the desk. Ogranovich sits in a chair opposite. Vykhuholev sits down at a coffee table, takes out a box of chess from his pocket, arranges the pieces and starts playing by himself. Myshevsky walks around the room.
Ogranovich. I’d rather have some vodka now. It’s so cold, I am chilling! What about it, professor?
Golyshkin. One shouldn’t eat much and drink alcohol before a spiritual seance. But I can offer you a cup of coffee or tea. And we'll have dinner afterwards.
Vykhuholev. This chill is because of nerves, Elena Pavlovna. Vodka won't keep you warm.
Ogranovich. Oh, what a doctor you are! When I go crazy, then you’ll give me your advice, shrink.
Vykhuholev. I am looking forward to that time.
Myshevsky. Professor, you told about six people. There are four of us here. Is someone else coming?
Golyshkin. My son, Rodion. You already know him. And there is also one more lady.
Myshevsky. Oh, really? And who is she? Can she be trusted?
Golyshkin. Sure! Trust me.
Myshevsky. But I would like to know it for sure. I cannot reveal the recipe of the philosopher's stone to a stranger. I hope you understand me…
Golyshkin. Oh, your recipe! Olga Alekseevna is an extremely necessary person for our session. I will be a medium. My task is to establish contact, ask certain questions. But someone has to write down the answers. This will happen by moving the saucer around the alphabetical circle. Of course, if only the spirit of Hermes Trismegistus agrees to such a way of communication. But he also might choose to talk directly to a medium who would fell into trance, or he might prefer visible materialization, for instance.
Ogranovich. Oh, please, not this thing! If I see that your … – what‘s his name? – with my own eyes… Hermes! Oh, what a name! I will immediately die of fear.
Golyshkin. Don’t worry. Such thing happens very rarely during sessions.
Ogranovich. In my case it will definitely happen. You'll see it.
Myshevsky. Elena Pavlovna, shame on you! Follow Sergei Yurievich’s example – he is calm and confident, like a granite rock.
Ogranovich. Sergei Yurievich is accustomed to dealing with all sorts of psychos and maniacs. An individual of a split personality is a common case for him. Just take a look at him! What’s the difference between him and other psychos? He doesn't even need a partner to play chess with. Oh, no, my mind is not ready to accept this! Sorry, for feeling myself a woman sometimes!
Vykhuholev. Why have you come then? I don't understand such people…
Myshevsky. Friends, friends, don’t argue, please! You are here because I wanted this. I can trust only you.
Ogranovich. Maybe you can do it without me? And when you need me…
Myshevsky. Unfortunately, it won't work. Our respectful professor states there should be six people for a séance to make a hexagram. Is that right, Stalver Udarpyatovich?
Golyshkin. Actually, there might be any number of people. But the hexagram is the best way to communicate with ghosts. Seeing the six-pointed star, spirits usually take on human image and become submissive.
Ogranovich. Hey, psychiatrist, here's exactly what you need! A hexagram tattoo on your forehead. Your patients will be like putty in your hands.
Vykhuholev. And not only them.
Golyshkin. Even in daily life, a hexagram can bring good luck. Just take it in your hand. No wonder this geometric figure is called the star of King Solomon. According to the legend, this king was very lucky and happy. The first images of the hexagram appeared around the fourth millennium BC. It has been found in ancient Egypt, the Middle East, India and Europe. The hexagram was depicted on Christian churches, Muslim mosques and Jewish synagogues…
The doorbell rings.
Myshevsky. I'm sorry, professor, for interrupting. But it seems that someone else wants to join our company. May I open the door.
Golyshkin. Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Myshevsky! You are my guest. This is my house, and I have to take a duty of the owner.
Myshevsky. Your home, you say? Okay, let it be your way.
Golyshkin leaves the office, comes up to the door and opens it. Olga comes in. She is dressed up luxuriously.
Olga. Good evening, Stalver Udarpyatovich!
Golyshkin. Olga Alekseevna, Olya! I am so glad to see you! It seems like a whole eternity has passed…
Olga. Just a few days. I did not even notice how they flew by.
Golyshkin. But you have changed somehow!
Olga. Is this good or bad?
Golyshkin. It's definitely good for you. As for me… I don't know yet. I need time to comprehend this metamorphosis.
Olga. Well, why don’t you just tell me, that you admire me? Why do you need this deep search in your feelings? Does it really make you happy?
Golyshkin. I suppose, that’s my cross to bear.
Olga. But definitely not mine. So, please, spare me from your mournful mediation. You’d better tell me what is going to be here tonight? You said on the phone that I am assigned the leading role in the session, is that right?
Golyshkin. I'll tell you everything, but a little bit later. Now let me invite you to my office and introduce you to the other participants of the session. Everyone has already gathered. Except Rodion.
Olga. Oh! Are there other women among them?
Golyshkin. Only one. But, frankly, she looks so little like a woman…
Olga. I like it. So, no one will be offended that I’ve got the leading role. I know perfectly well what this female envy is! Oh, Stalver Udarpyatovich, how much I have suffered from it!
Golyshkin. That’s common fate of a beautiful woman.
Olga. You're getting better, professor! This way I like you more. Keep going, keep going! And who knows what reward might wait for you.
Golyshkin. You inspire me Olga! May I kiss your hand?
Olga. Oh, no, professor! Stop it! By the way, I need… how do you say that politely? I need to the powder room! You don't have to follow me. I know where it is located in your apartment, as well as where your office is.
Golyshkin. Sure! Of course! But remember, we are waiting for you!
Olga. I'm back as soon as possible.
Olga opens one of the doors. Golyshkin goes back to his office.
Ogranovich. I don’t know about synagogue, but I personally saw a hexagram on the facade of Santa Croce Basilica in Florence. It was during my honeymoon. A beautiful old building, I tell you! It was built either in the thirteenth or fifteenth century.
Vykhuholev. Did you also sell it to someone?
Ogranovich. Oh, I wish I would! It is a cherished dream of any notary to deal with such a transaction It's the same as to fix the Big Ben clock mechanism for a watchmaker.
Vykhuholev. Or the same as to rob Fort Knox for a thief.
Ogranovich. Santa Croce Basilica! It is a Franciscan Gothic church in the form of the Egyptian T-cross. It’s funny!
Vykhuholev. What's funny about the church, I don't understand?
Ogranovich. It's funny, that I still remember all that. My first husband’s face has almost erased from my memory. And even more it has erased how we had spent our honeymoon in Florence. But I have not forgotten that Galileo Galilei, Michelangelo Buonarroti, Machiavelli and Rossini had been buried in this basilica. I wonder, why is that so?
Vykhuholev. That’s quite clear. It’s ordinary megalomania. It’s a person’s desire to have even an indirect relation to the great people. That’s a common case in psychiatry.
Ogranovich. Oh, I see, everything is always clear to you, shrink! It’s so boring with you.
Vykhuholev. The only thing isn’t clear yet. Why is this particular geometric figure so relevant? What do these two triangles placed on each other mean?
Ogranovich. How should I know? I'm a notary, not an alchemist.
Myshevsky. According to one theory, the hexagram defines the human social structure. The upward pointing triangle stands for the power distribution in the society. The upper part is the elite, the lower part is the crowd.
Vykhuholev. What about the triangle pointing down?
Myshevsky. It reflects the distribution of knowledge in society. The elite owns holistic volume of knowledge, and the crowd has scattered, fragmented one.
Ogranovich. It’s some kind of genocide! The worse might be distribution of knowledge according to the racial or gender aspects.
Vykhuholev. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about, Elena Pavlovna? I’ve always thought that notaries often dance on razor blades, so their sense of fear is atrophied.
Ogranovich. Each of us has something to fear, Mr. Vykhuholev. Including even you, psychiatrists, fearless explorers of human nature dark sides.
Myshevsky. By the way, according to some sources, the hexagram also means combination of male and female principles. The triangle pointing upward is the masculine principle. A triangle pointing down…
Golyshkin enters the office.
Myshevsky. I suggest to ask the professor, why he chose the hexagram. Please, shed some light, Stalver Udarpyatovich, otherwise we are wandering in the dark.
Golyshkin. With pleasure! Everything is quite simple. In alchemy, the hexagram symbolizes the philosopher's stone. It is made up of two opposite triangles, meaning the unity of opposites.
Rodion comes in.
Rodion. And also, the hexagram of Solomon protects you against Lilith. This is such a terrible Jewish demon that kidnaps children at night. Total rubbish! I remember once when I was a child my father told me this bullshit for the night. After that I used to pee in the bed for a long time because of fear. My dad always left my bedroom, thinking that I’d fallen asleep, and turned off the light. In his philosophical point of view, he was bringing up courage in me. And I was left alone with the monster. It stared at me with the fiery eyes from a dark corner…
Golyshkin. Actually, well-behaved children say “hello” when they enter a room full of adult guests.
Rodion. My father still can not get used to a fact, that I’ve grown up. But he is definitely right about one thing. At any age, you have to be polite. I apologize! Greetings to all who have gathered here today to celebrate the Bastille Day. It’s the same day as the one of the faceted glass or the day of the beeps, or…
Olga comes in.
Olga. Haven’t you forgotten about me?
Rodion. Hello Olya!
Golyshkin. Why do you call her Olya, you, boy?!
Olga. Stalver Udarpyatovich, will you introduce me to your guests? I feel really embarrassed.
Golyshkin. I am sorry, Olga Alekseevna, you are absolutely right. No one is interested in our family disputes. Let me introduce you my guests. Mr. Myshevsky. He is a mastermind of our today’s event.
Myshevsky. Mr. Myshevsky is too official for our tight circle of friends. You may call me Andrey Sigizmundovich. Or it’s better just Аndrey. My patronymic name is too complex to pronounce. Thanks to my father.
Olga. I am just Olya then.
Golyshkin. They are Mr. Myshevsky’s friends…
Vykhuholev. Sergey.
Olga. Nice to meet you – Olya!
Golyshkin. This is Elena Pavlovna.
Ogranovich. Yes, and please, keep in mind, that I am not Lena! I dislike this trend of calling everyone by their short names with no regard to age and rank. Lena, Lena! It sounds like one is calling a dog. I differ from a yard dog by that fact that I do know who my father was.
Olga. Olga Alekseevna.
Rodion. And you can call me Rodion Stalverovich. I am the son of Professor Golyshkin. Please, love and favor.
Myshevsky. Dear Rodion Stalverovich, I think we’d prefer to love Olga Alekseevna, but as for you, we are ready just to favor you.
Rodion. Sure! I love her myself.
Golyshkin. Rodion! Don’t forget that you are in a decent society!
Rodion. So, why is it indecent for a man to talk about his love for a woman?
Vykhuholev. Probably, it started since it has become decent in our society to talk about his love to a man. It's such a psychological paradox.
Rodion. I would call it a stupid perversion.
Vykhuholev. The voice of a child is the voice of God.
Rodion. Do you call me a child?!
Vykhuholev. Would you like to play a game of chess with me, Rodion Stalverovich?
Rodion. Not at all.
Ogranovich. And you are right, since you will lose anyway.
Rodion. I wonder, why?!
Ogranovich. I will reveal you a secret, but just don’t breath a word!
Rodion. I am silent as a fish!
Ogranovich. This self-proclaimed chess grandmaster has a real ability to get into other people's brain. And he thoroughly digs into it. Once I played with him. I felt like I’d had a lobotomy – a very painful brain surgery. Since then I wouldn’t recommended anyone to play with him.
Vykhuholev. I heard everything! It’s a blatant lie! This is just a pathetic revenge of a rejected woman. Elena Pavlovna expected that, if she lost the game, she would have immediately ended up in my bed. But her dreams didn’t come true. I was not so generous or drunk, I don’t remember now. Then she got spiteful and started to spread some dirty rumors about me. She claimed that I am not interested in women at all.
Ogranovich. But this is the holy truth! I can confirm that even with the oath in court.
Myshevsky. This can go on for a long time if we don't interfere. Dear professor!
Golyshkin. Yes, Andrey Sigizmundovich?
Myshevsky. So, when shall we start our session? It seems to me that everyone is ready now. There are exactly six of us, just like you planned.
Golyshkin. Now let's start then. But first, I should ask everyone to put off something.
Olga. I hope not a dress? I heard that at some satanic sessions everyone strips naked and then they have wild parties. But I was invited to a spiritual seance, and that's quite different, isn't it?
Golyshkin. No, not clothes, of course, Olga Alekseevna. Don't worry. I mean metal things, like rings, bracelets, watches.
Olga. And my diamond ring?!
Golyshkin. It also needs to be removed. These are the rules for communicating with spirits. Rodion, would you please open the window. Then light up the candles and turn off the electric light.
Olga. May I light up the candles?!
Golyshkin. I’d like to ask everyone to take a seat at this table.
Myshevsky. Does it matter who sits next to whom?
Golyshkin. Olga Alekseevna has to sit on my right side, since she will write down messages of Hermes Trismegistus’s. Of course, if he would kindly wish to tell us something, For other members the location at the table does not matter. The main thing is not to move the chairs. They are arranged in the form of a six-pointed star, a hexagram, as I said.
Olga. May I ask your spirit when it appears…
Golyshkin. Sorry, Olga Alekseevna, but I can’t let you this. Only one person, the medium, can speak to the spirit. And that's me. Everyone else just puts their hands on a saucer – you see, here it is, in the middle of the table, in the center of the alphabet circle. Everyone must be silent, no matter what happens during the session.
Olga. Even if…
Golyshkin. Not a single sound, no matter what you might see or hear! Otherwise, the spirit will leave without answering any question. Or even worse, will get angry.
Olga. So what?
Golyshkin. Then he will take cruel revenge.
Ogranovich. I beg you, professor! My nerves are tensed like strings now!
Golyshkin. I thought Mr. Myshevsky has warned his friends about all the possible consequences of a seance.
Myshevsky. That’s right, professor. But anyway, I think we’d better not to delay the prelude. The expectation of death is worse than the death itself, this is a well-known truth.
Ogranovich. What death are you talking about?
Myshevsky. About spiritual one, and nothing more.
Vykhuholev. Therefore, you have nothing to fear of, Elena Pavlovna. From this point of view, you don’t live any longer in this world.
Ogranovich. Oh, stop your jokes, please!
Golyshkin. Dear guests! Silence please! I am starting the session. Mr. Myshevsky, get ready, please. When I show you a sign, you should give me the recipe of the philosopher's stone.
Myshevsky. Why is that?
Golyshkin. I will have to read it to the spirit of Hermes Trismegistus. Otherwise, how will he be able to answer where there is an error in it or not? After all, he needs to know what recipe we are asking about. But the spirit should hear only me.
Myshevsky. Yes, you're right, professor.
Golyshkin. Do you have the recipe with you? As I said, it needs to be handwritten with a pencil on a sheet of paper.
Myshevsky. I did everything as you asked.
Golyshkin. Then let's start!
Everyone keeps silent. Golyshkin takes the saucer, heats it from the inside over the candle, and places it on edge in the middle of the table, in the center of the alphabetical circle.
Golyshkin. Spirit of Hermes Trismegistus, I appeal to you! Please, come to us! Spirit of Hermes Thrice Greatest, I appeal to you! Spirit of Hermes Trismegistus! Appear to us!
With each new phrase, the rustles and creaks in the room get louder. The wind is howling. Somewhere in the apartment, a door banged.
Olga. Look, the saucer is alive!
Golyshkin. Keep silence!
Ogranovich. I am going to faint now! Somebody has touched me with the icy hand. Hey, shrink, is that your stupid joke again?
Golyshkin. Be quiet, otherwise you will scare him off! I am in the contact with the spirit of Hermes Trismegistus – I feel that. Hermes Thrice Greatest, I appeal to you! Answer just one of my question: where is the mistake in your recipe of the philosopher's stone?
Olga. The saucers is moving along the alphabet!
Golyshkin. Write down each letter!
Olga. I am writing.
Golyshkin. What is there?
Olga. W… what … what reci… What recipe! He asks “what recipe”!
Golyshkin makes a sign and Myshevsky takes a paper out of his pocket and gives it to him.
Golyshkin. Listen and answer I conjure you! (reading). "In order to make the elixir of the wise, called the philosopher's stone, take some philosophical mercury and heat it until it turns into a green lion. After that, heat it more, until turns into a red lion. Heat this red lion on a sand bath with acidic grape alcohol, evaporate the result and the mercury will turn into gum-like substance that can be cut with a knife. Put it in a clayed retort and slowly distill it. Separately collect the liquids of various compositions that will appear. The Cimmerian shadows will cover the retort with their dark veil, and you will find a true dragon inside it, for he devours his own tail. Take this black dragon, rub it on a stone, and touch it with a hot coal. It will catch fire, immediately taking a splendid lemon color, it will turn a green lion again. Make it devour his own tail and distill the result again. Finally, carefully purify it. And you will see some burning water and human blood. Let it stand still for the day and night. The thing that you will see will be the philosopher's stone.
The howls of the wind get louder, and by the end Golyshkin has to almost scream to be heard. The flame of the candles fluctuates more and more. Finally he finishes reading. Nothing happens for a while, then the saucer starts to move.
Olga. He is answering!.. I am writing down!
Golyshkin. Let me read! No, I can't make out your handwriting. Read it yourself!
Olga. "Replace grape spirit with camphor oil."
Golyshkin. We’ve done it! We’ve got it! Can you hear, Myshevsky? And I didn't really believe it myself!
Myshevsky. I told you that, professor! So, everything was not in vain! We will get rich!
Golyshkin. Be quiet! The session is not over yet! I must say goodbye to the spirit… Thank you, Hermes Trismegistus! What do you want in return for your confession?
Olga. The saucer is moving again!
Golyshkin. Write!
Olga. “I want the death of the one who dared to turn to me, revealing my secret. His father was killed by an iron man falling down from the top. He will die before the earth is covered with a white shroud”…
Golyshkin screams out and jumps up, dropping his chair. Then, clutching his heart with his hand, he falls down on the floor. A strong gust of wind blows out the candle flame. Everything is plunged into darkness.
