Джон Голсуорси
Saint's Progress
V
No one could have so convinced a feeling as Jimmy Fort that he would be a ‘bit of a makeshift’ for Noel. He had spent the weeks after his interview with her father obsessed by her image, often saying to himself “It won’t do. It’s playing it too low down to try and get that child, when I know that, but for her trouble, I shouldn’t have a chance.” He had never had much opinion of his looks, but now he seemed to himself absurdly old and dried-up in this desert of a London. He loathed the Office job to which they had put him, and the whole atmosphere of officialdom. Another year of it, and he would shrivel like an old apple! He began to look at himself anxiously, taking stock of his physical assets now that he had this dream of young beauty. He would be forty next month, and she was nineteen! But there would be times too when he would feel that, with her, he could be as much of a “three-year-old” as the youngster she had loved. Having little hope of winning her, he took her “past” but lightly. Was it not that past which gave him what chance he had? On two things he was determined: He would not trade on her past. And if by any chance she took him, he would never show her that he remembered that she had one.
After writing to Gratian he had spent the week before his holiday began, in an attempt to renew the youthfulness of his appearance, which made him feel older, leaner, bonier and browner than ever. He got up early, rode in the rain, took Turkish baths, and did all manner of exercises; neither smoked nor drank, and went to bed early, exactly as if he had been going to ride a steeplechase. On the afternoon, when at last he left on that terrific pilgrimage, he gazed at his face with a sort of despair, it was so lean, and leather-coloured, and he counted almost a dozen grey hairs.
When he reached the bungalow, and was told that she was working in the corn-fields, he had for the first time a feeling that Fate was on his side. Such a meeting would be easier than any other! He had been watching her for several minutes before she saw him, with his heart beating more violently than it had ever beaten in the trenches; and that new feeling of hope stayed with him – all through the greeting, throughout supper, and even after she had left them and gone upstairs. Then, with the suddenness of a blind drawn down, it vanished, and he sat on, trying to talk, and slowly getting more and more silent and restless.
“Nollie gets so tired, working,” Gratian said: He knew she meant it kindly but that she should say it at all was ominous. He got up at last, having lost hope of seeing Noel again, conscious too that he had answered the last three questions at random.
In the porch George said: “You’ll come in to lunch tomorrow, won’t you?”
“Oh, thanks, I’m afraid it’ll bore you all.”
“Not a bit. Nollie won’t be so tired.”
Again – so well meant. They were very kind. He looked up from the gate, trying to make out which her window might be; but all was dark. A little way down the road he stopped to light a cigarette; and, leaning against a gate, drew the smoke of it deep into his lungs, trying to assuage the ache in his heart. So it was hopeless! She had taken the first, the very first chance, to get away from him! She knew that he loved her, could not help knowing, for he had never been able to keep it out of his eyes and voice. If she had felt ever so little for him, she would not have avoided him this first evening. ‘I’ll go back to that desert,’ he thought; ‘I’m not going to whine and crawl. I’ll go back, and bite on it; one must have some pride. Oh, why the hell am I crocked-up like this? If only I could get out to France again!’ And then Noel’s figure bent over the falling corn formed before him. ‘I’ll have one more try,’ he thought; ‘one more – tomorrow somewhere, I’ll get to know for certain. And if I get what Leila’s got I shall deserve it, I suppose. Poor Leila! Where is she? Back at High Constantia?’ What was that? A cry – of terror – in that wood! Crossing to the edge, he called “Coo-ee!” and stood peering into its darkness. He heard the sound of bushes being brushed aside, and whistled. A figure came bursting out, almost into his arms.
“Hallo!” he said; “what’s up?”
A voice gasped: “Oh! It’s – it’s nothing!”
He saw Noel. She had swayed back, and stood about a yard away. He could dimly see her covering her face with her arms. Feeling instinctively that she wanted to hide her fright, he said quietly:
“What luck! I was just passing. It’s awfully dark.”
“I – I got lost; and a man – caught my foot, in there!”
Moved beyond control by the little gulps and gasps of her breathing, he stepped forward and put his hands on her shoulders. He held her lightly, without speaking, terrified lest he should wound her pride.
“I-I got in there,” she gasped, “and the trees – and I stumbled over a roan asleep, and he – ”
“Yes, Yes, I know,” he murmured, as if to a child. She had dropped her arms now, and he could see her face, with eyes unnaturally dilated, and lips quivering. Then moved again beyond control, he drew her so close that he could feel the throbbing of her heart, and put his lips to her forehead all wet with heat. She closed her eyes, gave a little choke, and buried her face against his coat.
“There, there, my darling!” he kept on saying. “There, there, my darling!” He could feel the snuggling of her cheek against his shoulder. He had got her – had got her! He was somehow certain that she would not draw back now. And in the wonder and ecstasy of that thought, all the world above her head, the stars in their courses, the wood which had frightened her, seemed miracles of beauty and fitness. By such fortune as had never come to man, he had got her! And he murmured over and over again:
“I love you!” She was resting perfectly quiet against him, while her heart ceased gradually to beat so fast. He could feel her cheek rubbing against his coat of Harris tweed. Suddenly she sniffed at it, and whispered:
“It smells good.”
VI
When summer sun has burned all Egypt, the white man looks eagerly each day for evening, whose rose-coloured veil melts opalescent into the dun drift, of the hills, and iridescent above, into the slowly deepening blue. Pierson stood gazing at the mystery of the desert from under the little group of palms and bougainvillea which formed the garden of the hospital. Even-song was in full voice: From the far wing a gramophone was grinding out a music-hall ditty; two aeroplanes, wheeling exactly like the buzzards of the desert, were letting drip the faint whir of their flight; metallic voices drifted from the Arab village; the wheels of the water-wells creaked; and every now and then a dry rustle was stirred from the palm-leaves by puffs of desert wind. On either hand an old road ran out, whose line could be marked by the little old watch-towers of another age. For how many hundred years had human life passed along it to East and West; the brown men and their camels, threading that immemorial track over the desert, which ever filled him with wonder, so still it was, so wide, so desolate, and every evening so beautiful! He sometimes felt that he could sit for ever looking at it; as though its cruel mysterious loveliness were – home; and yet he never looked at it without a spasm of homesickness.
So far his new work had brought him no nearer to the hearts of men. Or at least he did not feel it had. Both at the regimental base, and now in this hospital – an intermediate stage – waiting for the draft with which he would be going into Palestine, all had been very nice to him, friendly, and as it were indulgent; so might schoolboys have treated some well-intentioned dreamy master, or business men a harmless idealistic inventor who came visiting their offices. He had even the feeling that they were glad to have him about, just as they were glad to have their mascots and their regimental colours; but of heart-to-heart simple comradeship – it seemed they neither wanted it of him nor expected him to give it, so that he had a feeling that he would be forward and impertinent to offer it. Moreover, he no longer knew how. He was very lonely. ‘When I come face to face with death,’ he would think, ‘it will be different. Death makes us all brothers. I may be of real use to them then.’
They brought him a letter while he stood there listening to that even-song, gazing at the old desert road.
“DARLING DAD,
“I do hope this will reach you before you move on to Palestine. You said in your last – at the end of September, so I hope you’ll just get it. There is one great piece of news, which I’m afraid will hurt and trouble you; Nollie is married to Jimmy Fort. They were married down here this afternoon, and have just gone up to Town. They have to find a house of course. She has been very restless, lonely, and unhappy ever since you went, and I’m sure it is really for the best: She is quite another creature, and simply devoted, headlong. It’s just like Nollie. She says she didn’t know what she wanted, up to the last minute. But now she seems as if she could never want anything else.
“Dad dear, Nollie could never have made good by herself. It isn’t her nature, and it’s much better like this, I feel sure, and so does George. Of course it isn’t ideal – and one wanted that for her; but she did break her wing, and he is so awfully good and devoted to her, though you didn’t believe it, and perhaps won’t, even now. The great thing is to feel her happy again, and know she’s safe. Nollie is capable of great devotion; only she must be anchored. She was drifting all about; and one doesn’t know what she might have done, in one of her moods. I do hope you won’t grieve about it. She’s dreadfully anxious about how you’ll feel. I know it will be wretched for you, so far off; but do try and believe it’s for the best… She’s out of danger; and she was really in a horrible position. It’s so good for the baby, too, and only fair to him. I do think one must take things as they are, Dad dear. It was impossible to mend Nollie’s wing. If she were a fighter, and gloried in it, or if she were the sort who would ‘take the veil’ – but she isn’t either. So it is all right, Dad. She’s writing to you herself. I’m sure Leila didn’t want Jimmy Fort to be unhappy because he couldn’t love her; or she would never have gone away. George sends you his love; we are both very well. And Nollie is looking splendid still, after her harvest work. All, all my love, Dad dear. Is there anything we can get, and send you? Do take care of your blessed self, and don’t grieve about Nollie.
“GRATIAN.”
A half-sheet of paper fluttered down; he picked it up from among the parched fibre of dead palm-leaves.
“DADDY DARLING,
“I’ve done it. Forgive me – I’m so happy.
“Your NOLLIE.”
The desert shimmered, the palm-leaves rustled, and Pierson stood trying to master the emotion roused in him by those two letters. He felt no anger, not even vexation; he felt no sorrow, but a loneliness so utter and complete that he did not know how to bear it. It seemed as if some last link with life had’ snapped. ‘My girls are happy,’ he thought. ‘If I am not – what does it matter? If my faith and my convictions mean nothing to them – why should they follow? I must and will not feel lonely. I ought to have the sense of God present, to feel His hand in mine. If I cannot, what use am I – what use to the poor fellows in there, what use in all the world?’
An old native on a donkey went by, piping a Soudanese melody on a little wooden Arab flute. Pierson turned back into the hospital humming it. A nurse met him there.
“The poor boy at the end of A ward is sinking fast, sir; I expect he’d like to see you.”
He went into A ward, and walked down between the beds to the west window end, where two screens had been put, to block off the cot. Another nurse, who was sitting beside it, rose at once.
“He’s quite conscious,” she whispered; “he can still speak a little. He’s such a dear.” A tear rolled down her cheek, and she passed out behind the screens. Pierson looked down at the boy; perhaps he was twenty, but the unshaven down on his cheeks was soft and almost colourless. His eyes were closed. He breathed regularly, and did not seem in pain; but there was about him that which told he was going; something resigned, already of the grave. The window was wide open, covered by mosquito-netting, and a tiny line of sunlight, slanting through across the foot of the cot, crept slowly backwards over the sheets and the boy’s body, shortening as it crept. In the grey whiteness of the walls; the bed, the boy’s face, just that pale yellow bar of sunlight, and one splash of red and blue from a little flag on the wall glowed out. At this cooler hour, the ward behind the screens was almost empty, and few sounds broke the stillness; but from without came that intermittent rustle of dry palm-leaves. Pierson waited in silence, watching the sun sink. If the boy might pass like this, it would be God’s mercy. Then he saw the boy’s eyes open, wonderfully clear eyes of the lighted grey which has dark rims; his lips moved, and Pierson bent down to hear.
“I’m goin’ West, zurr.” The whisper had a little soft burr; the lips quivered; a pucker as of a child formed on his face, and passed.
Through Pierson’s mind there flashed the thought: ‘O God! Let me be some help to him!’
“To God, my dear son!” he said.
A flicker of humour, of ironic question, passed over the boy’s lips.
Terribly moved, Pierson knelt down, and began softly, fervently praying. His whispering mingled with the rustle of the palm-leaves, while the bar of sunlight crept up the body. In the boy’s smile had been the whole of stoic doubt, of stoic acquiescence. It had met him with an unconscious challenge; had seemed to know so much. Pierson took his hand, which lay outside the sheet. The boy’s lips moved, as though in thanks; he drew a long feeble breath, as if to suck in the thread of sunlight; and his eyes closed. Pierson bent over the hand. When he looked up the boy was dead. He kissed his forehead and went quietly out.
The sun had set, and he walked away from the hospital to a hillock beyond the track on the desert’s edge, and stood looking at the afterglow. The sun and the boy – together they had gone West, into that wide glowing nothingness.
The muezzin call to sunset prayer in the Arab village came to him clear and sharp, while he sat there, unutterably lonely. Why had that smile so moved him? Other death smiles had been like this evening smile on the desert hills – a glowing peace, a promise of heaven. But the boy’s smile had said: ‘Waste no breath on me – you cannot help. Who knows – who knows? I have no hope, no faith; but I am adventuring. Good-bye!’ Poor boy! He had braved all things, and moved out uncertain, yet undaunted! Was that, then, the uttermost truth, was faith a smaller thing? But from that strange notion he recoiled with horror. ‘In faith I have lived, in faith I will die!’ he thought, ‘God helping me!’ And the breeze, ruffling the desert sand, blew the grains against the palms of his hands, outstretched above the warm earth.