Butler Ellis Parker
The Revolt: A Play In One Act
GRANDMA. Oh, yes you can, my dear. Now, your duties as Professor of Rudiments will consist in teaching the young ladies scrubbing —
PAULINE. Scrubbin'?
GRANDMA. Yes, scrubbing, and mopping, and blacking stoves.
PAULINE. Scrubbin' an' moppin' an' blackin' stoves?
GRANDMA. Just so. And you will teach by example. The young ladies will study your methods. You will scrub and mop and black stoves, and they will watch you.
PAULINE. I'll scrub and mop and – It's mighty like the job of bein' scholar, ain't it, mam? What pay do I get, mam, for all this scrub and mop?
GRANDMA. Pay? I am surprised you should ask for pay when I have given you such a position of trust and honor. But there. If you must have pay, you shall have it. I will give you the work you owe me for the tuition you have received.
PAULINE, (puzzled) Yes'm. Thank you, mam. Now, now, do you do that work I owe you, or do I do it?
GRANDMA. What a question! You do it, of course. You owe it to me, child, don't you? (PAULINE stands puzzled) Now, young ladies, I will leave you to your two new Professors, (exit GRANDMA)
(PAULINE, when she is gone, stands puzzled. Turning her head she sees dummy. She grasps it, raises it above her head, ana throws it down angrily)
PAULINE. Get to work, you husband, get to work! ( goes to tea table and eats and drinks during the following scene)
SUSAN. Fellow females! (the girls ignore her. They chatter loudly with one another. Finally KATE's voice is heard)
KATE. Well, I'll never speak to John again as long as I live.
GRACE. Well, he can't be a bit worse than Arthur. Oh, I'm so mad at Arthur. I was so mad I could have slapped him.
EDITH. What did he do, Grace?
GRACE. I met him on Main Street, quite by chance, you know, and he said, "Hello, GRACE, you don't want an ice cream soda, do you?" And I said, "Oh, I don't care." And he said, "Oh, well, if you don't care!"
IDA. The horrid thing. I think boys are just too horrid for anything. I oo-ooed at George to-day, and he didn't OO-OO back at me at all. I'm through with George!
EDITH. Imagine! When I Oo-oo at a boy and he doesn't OO-OO back I consider it a deadly insult. I suppose he was talking to some other girl.
IDA. No, he wasn't! He was riding his motor cycle, and he was only two blocks away —
EDITH. Perhaps he didn't hear you.
IDA. That's no excuse at all. When a girl oo-oos it is a boy's duty to hear. I always hear when George oo-oos.
MAY. Certainly! Any gentleman would OO-OO back at a girl if she oo-ooed at him.
KATE. I suppose you mean Henry would OO-OO back at you. You and Henry!
MAY. Thank you, but I don't speak to Henry any more. I've sent him about his business! I was going over to the tennis court yesterday, and I oo-ooed at him, and he said, "Where are you going, MAY?" and I said, "I'm going to play tennis, if I can find a partner." And what do you think he said?
GRACE. What did he say?
MAY. He said, "Well, I'm sorry I can't go with, you!"
All. Oh, how horrid!
EDITH. Well, I've had all of Sam I want! When I got home from school yesterday I sat on the front porch all afternoon. Of course I expected Sam would happen to pass by.
KATE. Of course. Any gentleman would happen, to pass by.
EDITH. Certainly. And there I sat. And sat. And sat. And no Sam came by. Oh, I was mad. And what do you think his excuse was? His mother had fallen down the cellar stairs and broken her arm.
KATE. And he let that keep him home! Girls, I think the way the boys treat us is perfectly outrageous! There are whole minutes in every day when they don't think of us at all.
GRACE. Oh, not whole minutes.
KATE. Well, parts of minutes, anyway. I understand that several times this term several of the boys almost knew their lessons. That couldn't happen if they thought of us all the time.
All. The horrid things!
KATE. Well, for my part, I'm through with boys! I wish they were all – all extinct.
SUSAN, (rapping on table with her umbrella) Ladies! Fellow females! I have heard what you said. Your wrongs are enormous, but what does man live for but to oppress us? We are down-trod, down-trod by man, that worm that like a roaring lion seeks to cast dust in our eyes with his soaring wings while he rends our heart with his cruel beak! Shall we, ladies, be slaves to a worm?
PAULINE. No, mam. (curtseys)
SUSAN. No! You wish the men were extinct. We will extinguish them. Why waste your lives here doing plain and fancy sewing —
PAULINE. And scrubbin' —
SUSAN. When woman was meant to occupy the noblest spheres? Wives? Faugh! Housewives? Faugh! Let us take the work of the men, and do it! Follow the bright banner of Susan Jane Jones, the Militant Suffragette, and drive the men into the sea! I have heard the story of your wrongs —
KATE. Well, I do think Henry was just too mean for anything.
SUSAN. Sewing! Scrubbing! Have you women never wished to do the work of men?
KATE. Yes, I have. I always wanted to be a doctor, but my father wouldn't hear of it.
GRACE. What kind of a doctor, Kate?
KATE. Oh, a handsome doctor with curly gray hair. And you, Grace?
GRACE. Oh, I want to be a lawyer, a plump, jolly lawyer. And you, Edith?
EDITH. I want to be an editor.
GRACE. Republican or Democrat?
EDITH. I don't know. The kind with a big automobile. And you, Ida?
IDA. I want to be a politician.
Mat. An honest one, of course.
IDA. Well, no. A successful politician. And you, May?
Mat. I want to run a vegetable market, where the women can come with their market baskets.
SUSAN. Where the men can come with their market baskets, (to PAULINE) And you, you poor creature, have you never felt the longing to usurp man's sphere? Have you never longed to do a man's work?
PAULINE. Oh, yes, mam. This humble heart (tapping her waist) has felt the what-you-call it many a time. I have always wished, mam, to be a pirate.
All. A pirate!
PAULINE. A pirate. And why not? That's men's work. Listen: —
