Butler Ellis Parker
The Revolt: A Play In One Act

KATE. Has he?

SUSAN. But we will trample him under foot.

KATE. Will we?

SUSAN. We must throttle him. We must crush him.

KATE. Must we?

SUSAN. Pooh! He's a worm. We will do without him. We will drive him from the land. Absolutely. Man is a by-gone institution. I class him with the stage coach and the dodo bird. Woman can do his work better than he can. He must be driven from the land.

PAULINE. But, now, mam, if he's driven from the land, he'll be taking a death of cold in the water.

SUSAN. So much the better. The object that should burn in every true woman's heart is the utter extermination of man. (to KATE) You have felt a man's cruelty. (KATE wipes her eyes)

KATE. I don't see why boys have to be so mean.

SUSAN. And you, too, you poor creature. Have you not felt the heel of the oppressor?

PAULINE. Heel of the oppressor? Mercy sakes! That reminds me. Grandma Gregg sent me for to get the Ideal Husband and take him down cellar and black his shoes for him.

SUSAN, (triumphantly) You see! Man makes slaves of us all!

PAULINE. Has any of you seen the Ideal Husband? Grandma Gregg said he was in the Classroom conversin' with the new Professor.

SUSAN. (carelessly) Oh, he's gone to his club. I mean, look behind the screen.

(PAULINE gets the dummy, and carries it out, its feet dragging behind her on the floor. Exit PAULINE.)

SUSAN. My child, the time for the great revolution is at hand. Woman is about to take her rightfully supreme place in the world. In me you see one of the leaders of the Militant Suffragettes. Can I count on you?

KATE. I don't know. I think John Mason treated me just too mean – Oh! here Comes Grandma Gregg.

SUSAN. Hush. Not a word of this! (in a changed tone). Yes, my dear, when his head aches take a handful of chopped ice, and fold it in a bandage —

(Enter GRANDMA GREGG.)

KATE, (curtseys) Good morning, Grandma Gregg.

GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear. (GRANDMA seats herself and begins knitting. KATE takes sewing from bag and sews. SUSAN picks up book from floor and begins to read.)

(Enter GRACE.)

GRACE. (curtseys) Good morning, GRANDMA GREGG.

GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear.

(GRACE seats herself and sews. Enter EDITH and IDA.)

EDITH and IDA. (curtsey) Good morning, Grandma Gregg.

GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears.

(Enter MAY and other girls.)

MAY and Other Girls, (curtsey) Good morning, Grandma Gregg.

GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears. And now we are all here, have you all done your home work? Let me see it. (the girls advance, by ones or twos and show their sewing)

GRANDMA. Very good – The stitches are a little too large, sweetheart – This buttonhole might be a little neater, precious, etc. (girls take seats again, and sew)

GRANDMA. Grace, will you act as monitor of the teapot?

GRACE. Yes, Grandma Gregg. (curtseys, and makes tea)

GRANDMA. Now, young ladies, will you repeat the Golden Text for the day?

ALL. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

SUSAN. (scornfully and aside) Yes, feed the beast and he'll grin.

GRANDMA. Kate, do you know your precept?

KATE. (curtseys)

 
     A husband is a precious thing,
     He is the woman's lord and king.
 

SUSAN. (aside) He was, but now he's no such thing.

GRANDMA. GRACE?

GRACE. (with a curtsey)

 
   A wife should never hem and haw,
   Her husband's word should be her law.
 

SUSAN. (aside) Does any woman think that? Pshaw!

GRANDMA. Next.

EDITH. (curtseys)

 
     Woman within her home should stay
     Her duties there should be her play.
 

SUSAN, (aside) That sentiment don't go to-day.

GRANDMA. Next.

IDA. (curtseys)

 
     The man is noble, strong and brave;
     Woman should be his loving slave.
 

SUSAN. That notion's in its little grave!

GRANDMA. Very good, my darlings, (she rises) Edith, yesterday you could not tell me all the ingredients of bread. Do you know now what you omitted?

EDITH. Yes, Grandma Gregg. Add a cup of butter.

GRANDMA. Correct. IDA, if you had a husband and he came home very late, what would you do?

IDA. (curtseys) I would pretend to be fast, fast asleep.

GRANDMA. Yes. And what would you say the next morning?

IDA. "Good morning, dear. I was asleep when you came in. I hope you had a pleasant evening."

(GRACE passes tea. Door bell rings.)

GRANDMA. Now, Miss —

SUSAN. Susan Jane Jones.

GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. (SUSAN curtseys) You may take the class now, Miss Jones, and give it instruction in the proper treatment of husbands. Inculcate ideas of meekness and gentleness.

SUSAN. Oh, I'll inculcate. Have no fear of that. (Enter PAULINE. She has a telegram which she hands to GRANDMA. Also has the dummy, which she throws on the floor carelessly.)

PAULINE. Here's your husband.

GRANDMA. My dear child, you should not handle a husband in that manner.

PAULINE. I'll not be handling that husband in any manner very long, mam. I'm going to quit my job. Nothing but scrub, scrub, mop, mop, from morning to night. Look at them young ladies, a drinkin' tea and me doin' the scrub work. I'm tired of being scholar, I am.

GRANDMA. (after reading telegram) You are tired of being a scholar, are you, PAULINE?

PAULINE. Yes'm. I'm sick of it. I've learned this scrubbin' lesson from the cellar up.

GRANDMA. So you have, dear, so you have! You do it very well. And I am going to reward you.

PAULINE. (happily) Reward me, mam?

GRANDMA. Yes. I have just received word my newly engaged Professor of Rudimentary Household Science cannot come. How would you like to be a professor, Pauline?

PAULINE. Oh, me a professor, mam! Me, who has nothing but rags to my name, a professor?

GRANDMA. Yes, Pauline. I have made up my mind. I am going to make you my Professor of Rudiments. Young ladies, this is our new Professor of Rudiments, (all curtsey)

PAULINE, (wiping her eyes) I feel like I ought to make a speech, mam, but I can't, I'm that overcome. I don't feel like I could do justice to the job, mam.