Butler Ellis Parker
The Revolt: A Play In One Act

SUSAN. (strides into room with umbrella held by middle and hand bag under one atm. Slaps them on table, and begins pulling off her gloves) Well, here I am —

GRANDMA. (mildly) Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones.

SUSAN. (surprised) Hey? What's that?

GRANDMA. (gently) All the faculty and students curtsey when they come into my presence, Miss Jones. It is a sweet old-fashioned custom —

SUSAN. (briskly) Well, I'll soon change that – I mean, Howdy! Howdy! (bobs several times) (aside) I must not forget I am here as a spy in the enemy's country. If you are going to do the Romans you must do as the Romans do. (to GRANDMA) Swell joint you've got here, old lady.

GRANDMA, (rubbing knees) Swell joints? Yes, my dear, a little rheumatiz makes the joints swell. But I don't complain. I'm an old lady. I have to expect some aches and pains at my time of life. I'm thankful I can do a little good work in the world. Do you understand What your duties will be?

SUSAN. Sure Mike! I'm the Husbandology lady. I teach the girls how to treat their husbands when they get 'em.

GRANDMA. Just so. You will lecture on How to Coddle and Pet a Husband. Five lectures. Then you will give five lectures on Smoothing the Lines of

Care from Hubby's Brow. Then – of course you show by example how all this is done.

SUSAN. By example? You don't have a man here, do you?

GRANDMA. We use the practical method in our classes. "Practice makes perfect," you know, (calls) Pauline!

PAULINE, (off stage) Yes'm, I'm comin'.

GRANDMA, (calling) Bring me the Ideal Husband, Pauline.

PAULINE. Yes'm. In a minute, mam.

(Enter PAULINE with the Dummy Husband under her arm. She throws it into a chair. Exit.)

GRANDMA. There! That is our Ideal Husband. He is all a husband should be. He does not drink nor smoke. He does not go to the club at night. He never says an unkind word. And he is happy. Do you know why?

SUSAN. Go ahead. I'll be the goat. What's the answer?

GRANDMA. He is happy because we are kind to him. Because we coddle and pet him. I think, before I finally engage you, Miss Jones, I would like to see an example of your method of coddling and petting.

(SUSAN looks at the dummy thoughtfully, takes a step toward it and pauses, another step, and so on. Finally she jerks the dummy from the chair by the head and lays the head on her shoulder.)

SUSAN. Poor hubby, does his poor head ache? (pats dummy) Was he out so late last night? (puts dummy gently in chair) Let little wifey rub his poor head, (does so) What did hubby say? All right, little wifey will tie a nice cold cloth around poor hubby's head. (does this) Now, kiss little wifey. (kisses dummy) What did hubby say?

GRANDMA. What did he say?

SUSAN. He said "For goodness sake get away from here and leave me alone. Can't you see I'm a sick man? Get out of here and stop bothering me."

GRANDMA, (admiringly) How like a real man! And what do you do next?

SUSAN. (looking around) I get a pillow. (gets one from couch and puts it lade of dummy) And I wrap up his feet (does it) There, poor dear. He's sleeping now.

GRANDMA. Very good. You will do very well. Remember to teach that wives should obey their husbands and be kind to them. Husbands are such tender creatures. We should love them and obey them. I will see that your room is in order. No doubt you will wish to practise coddling the Ideal Husband a little longer before your classes begin. (exit GRANDMA)

SUSAN, (alone) Get off that chair, you big brute! (jerks dummy of chair) Come home intoxicated, will you? (throws dummy back on chair) Don't talk back to me! (takes up dummy again) You are going out, are you? Well, go out! (walks toward screen with dummy) Out you go! I'll stand no nonsense, I tell you! (throws dummy behind screen) Go, if you want to! There! Coddle and pet them! That's how I coddle and pet them! (looks around) This is a nice situation for Susan Jane Jones, Captain of Company A, First Regiment, Militant Suffragettes! But all is fair in Love and Votes for Women! This academy is the last stronghold of the old-fashioned woman, and from in it the tender young girls learn the vicious habits of keeping house, being good housewives and attending to their own affairs as their grandmothers did. From this root anti-suffragism might spread over the whole world, and I have crept in, like a spy, to corrupt and destroy it. Woman must and will rule! (enter KATE pouting)

KATE. (not seeing SUSAN) I don't care! I don't care one bit! I'm never, never going to speak to John Mason again as long as I live. I think he is just too horrid for anything, (takes off coat and hat and throws them on sofa) I just hate him. I hate every boy that ever lived, I do! I think they are mean, overbearing, egotistical things. (wipes her eyes)

SUSAN. (clapping her hands once) My sentiments exactly! I so consider all men.

KATE. (startled) Oh! I did not know anyone was here. Good morning! (curtseys) Please, you won't tell Grandma Gregg what I said, will you? (with head on one side) She wouldn't like it. (picking at her fingers) She says females should admire and worship all males.

SUSAN. Humph! Fiddlesticks! Absolutely exploded theory. Latest theory is, females should abhor and despise all males. What's a man? He's a worm. A poor silly worm. Now, here! (takes KATE by arm and leads her across stage) We understand each other. You have felt the cruel oppression of a man!

KATE. I – I – I just think John Mason treated me real mean, anyway.

SUSAN. Woman, how else do men ever treat us? We are slaves. But we must be free. You think I am the new Professor of Husbandology, don't you? You think I am here to teach you how to treat husbands, don't you?

KATE. I did think so.

SUSAN, (threateningly) Oh, I'll teach you how to treat husbands! (PAULINE enters and overhears, unseen. She gradually comes closer to them) I'll teach you how to treat all men. For ages man has crushed us under his cruel heel.