Юрий Белк
Conflicts in the family
Prologue
Enmity between loved ones can be especially irreconcilable.
Publius Cornelius Tacitus
The world in which there is such a large number of communications has become very dynamic, we communicate at the speed of light, well, not in the literal sense, but close to this value. In a split second, messages reach anywhere in the world, and there can be hundreds or thousands of such messages per day, they are not limited in either quantity or volume.
Perhaps this book is now being read by those who remember that sending a letter to relatives in the region meant waiting a month in both directions, or even more.
Letters were written on paper, telephones existed for special occasions, and communication on them was so rare that this method of communication existed only in the city and in some rural areas. Installing the phone and connecting it – it was a long queue, more than six months.
So, back to our topic. You may wonder why you read this now. The fact is that the lack of restrictions on sending messages reveals a more complete relationship to each other.
The book is devoted to conflicts in the family. On the one hand, this is an absolutely unpleasant topic, but, as you know, problems need to be reprimanded, otherwise they begin to multiply, consolidate, cement, which in turn will cause a series of events that will negatively affect new ones that will be generated at an enviable speed.
The greatest pain is brought to us by our loved ones. We perceive the words of a stranger more superficially, sometimes quite neutrally, although everyone has different ways.
The book includes a chapter that will focus on conflict with friends. This is the only category that is not related, but given their importance, they are included as close. Sometimes such conflicts can have more serious, fundamental meanings than native ones.
The list of chapters is listed below. There is no need to look for any hidden reasons why the conflict with the husband is more important than the conflict with the wife. First, they are the same event, and they differ in that objects of conflict are initially considered negative in relation to the reader. We will often resort to the concept of sanity. The main postulate of conflict resolution is that one subject must be sane, otherwise the problem by definition cannot be solved.
There was no goal to cover all the parties and all the different types of conflict between people. Conflicts in families occur more often, due to the fact that these people are more often in contact. Of course, it happens differently, what comes into contact with whom more often is the conflict.
A person is quite complex in his character. A person often has to deal with the insane than with normal people. On the other hand, there is no clear line that this person is normal, this one is insane. Simply because we ourselves do not know what to consider normal and abnormal.
Often, more precisely, as a pattern, we believe that all people who have a different view of things, other ideas, are already abnormal for us, therefore, we are also abnormal for someone else. What happens more often is that both sides consider each other insane, and here it is sometimes difficult to solve the problem and reach a consensus, but more often it is simply impossible. And such smoldering conflicts can occur for years, more often they can not, and so it happens.
In this situation, some side must give in, otherwise it will be impossible to steer, as motorists say, getting into a band of ice.
Most often, two people are involved in the conflict, and sometimes more, much more. In such cases, work on errors should be divided into a number of simple ones, which are indicated in the list below.
It is necessary to take into account the fact that people treat the same conflict circumstance differently at different times of the year, age, and so on.
We must take into account the fact that people perceive the outside world according to their worldview. We will return to this nuance more than once in this book. Therefore, the action or events that occur around a person, they happen, change the person himself. Of course, it doesn't happen as fast as it might seem, but it does.
Based on all this, the conclusion suggests itself. A person changes according to external factors that occur, and they occur with varying degrees of intensity and type. This means that a person, whether he wants it or not, will also gradually change under the influence of these factors, and it is not necessary to say that if someone says that he does not change and has a so-called core inside.
People change quite a lot, and even unexpectedly for themselves, and sometimes suddenly. In fact, every day we are different, we change, but these changes we do not feel so contrasting. The result of all this is a change in the worldview, the result of a change in the worldview is a change in the understanding of the world around us, today's events and the past.
This leads to a very disappointing conclusion that, if we can say so, the attitude of your close relatives to different conflict situations will also change. How much it changes and in what direction, positively or negatively, and so on, you can't know because you don't know exactly the life of this person.
Of course, you can roughly guess how much his worldview has changed, based on the fact that he moved to some other region, changed jobs, got married, divorced, had children, and so on. But you can't learn the basic concept of changing a person's worldview in any way, it's simply impossible, you can't look, as they say, under the crust of a person's brain.
Human consciousness is so complex that it cannot even be understood by the person himself. Here is a simple example, try to unravel your thoughts, yourself as a person, and in general it would be nice for everyone to engage in introspection. The services of psychotherapists in our country are not so much in demand, and there are countries where they are available, but they are very expensive.
It is such a paradoxical situation that it leads to the conclusion that psychotherapists are not available to people in one country, because it is not fashionable, and in another country, because it is expensive. So, introspection is quite accessible to you, but in order to analyze, you need to know how to analyze, what to analyze, and what conclusions to draw.
If you initially have an erroneous understanding of the psychotype of yourself, the basic academic knowledge of psychology and even psychiatry, I'm not afraid of this word, then, naturally, it is expected that you will have wrong conclusions, and you will draw the wrong conclusion, and, therefore, your actions will be initially wrong, you will go on the wrong path.
There is nothing more terrible than when a person makes mistakes and thinks that he is not mistaken, such labyrinths can lead a person so far, so deep, and at some point a person can realize and appreciate all the horror, only for some day, hour or minute he will be very afraid. But it may not realize, and live all his life in the Volga region, this is more common.
Psychology and psychiatry are absolutely two different branches of science, where psychology is aimed at understanding conscious processes, and psychiatry considers at the level of organic processes in the brain, that is, psychiatry belongs to the field of medicine. In different countries, psychiatry is classified in such negative sections that people are afraid to even voice this word.
After the prologue
The family, where we include all those who were indicated in the list above, and then we will consider further on the list, has, in addition to living under the same roof or meeting on different major holidays, also smoldering conflicts more often than with strangers.
The same conflict on the same topic between husband and wife, parents and children, grandparents and relatives occurs in completely different ways. Due to the fact that they are different subjects of the conflict, have different goals and different economic ties with each other, they are arranged differently and live differently from the point of view of the economy. Yes, yes, and here commodity-money relations affect the cell of society.
For example, children are cornered when they have a conflict in the family with their parents, because they are economically dependent on their parents, they can't just pack up and go to live with their mother, because they already live with their mother.
However, the departure of children from home is accompanied by very high risks, when you have to include search engines, the police, and friends in solving the problem. This is a big problem, because due to the fact that children are not yet adults, not only because they do not work, but also cognitive abilities, that is, mental abilities, are different. They think differently, and it is not easy for them to survive in an adult environment where the laws of adults, invented by adults, apply, sometimes it is simply dangerous.
Finding children who have run away from their families is always accompanied by great emotions and risks, and this problem must be solved immediately.
In addition to relatives, the book includes one chapter that relates to conflict with friends. This is a rather difficult problem, which is also complicated by the fact that we sometimes treat friends differently, not like strangers, but, if not quite to our own, but close to it. Such conflicts are specific and always require a special approach.
We will also look at the main reasons, which are almost always the same when conflicts arise. Man, despite the complexity of his structure and the structure of the psyche, he is primitive, he has not changed for thousands of years, and those issues that have worried him for a long time are still worrying now.
You can read ancient dialogues that have been preserved, ancient history concerning human relationships, and more thoroughly study the fiction of the Middle Ages and the beginning of the nineteenth century in Russia, which is closer and more understandable for us. It will become clear that all the vices that modern society has, they existed even then. Of course, you need to read between the lines and understand the structure of communication, but regardless of the development of technology, a person does not change. We may even be worse off than we originally intended.
The emergence of new technologies does not change a person, they change the ways of communication, but internally people are the same as in the time of King Solomon or the times of other civilizations, about the existence of which we do not know what we can know, but do not know at all.
Man and humanity itself emerged much earlier than they begin to study in schools, starting with the study of Ancient Egypt, which represents a rather short time, compared to the total amount of time of human development.
These comments are important to understand how we will view conflicts, including conflicts in families and conflicts with relatives.
Labor and political conflicts will not be considered here, but, if only in passing, superficially. Because completely isolating the family from society is impossible in principle, it is simply impossible. Society affects the family, the family affects the person, but sometimes the person also affects the family, which subsequently affects society. The sequence can be different, and in different combinations and intensities.
People are waiting for paradise, but the presence of conflicts prevents them from feeling it during their lifetime. At the heart of any other conflict is an interpersonal conflict, and it pulls the train of all others. We will repeatedly address the main cause of all conflicts – these are different views on the world, on the world in the understanding of the universe.
The solution to many conflicts is to come to a common denominator, as in arithmetic. If it happens there automatically, at the level of clearly derived algorithms, it does not work with a person, a person is too complex a being, almost inexplicable.
If we start studying the workings of the brain, we will encounter a big problem when in reality we do not know how the human brain works and how human consciousness is created. If we can't say this for sure even with the current development of technology, then the interval of variations, that is, the interval of predestination of human actions, becomes quite large.
This is when one small change in a person's mood can affect his fate so much that the most powerful circumstances could not affect it.
The problem with a large number of conflicts is that people change, get an education, become sufficiently educated specialists, but for the household they will always remain conditionally "Kolenka" or "Olechka", and his opinion will have weight according to his age in his eyes, when he was 15 or 17 years old.
A large number of children leave home after finishing school, study, get a job, reach big bosses, but at home they are remembered for their parents and even brothers, as at the age of seventeen he fell off the fence on New Year's Day, for example.
They do not see his intellectual growth and development of intelligence, and, of course, there will be misunderstanding, and various logical arguments of the son based on scientific research will not be taken seriously.
Such a problem exists not only at the level of the family, but also at the level of the state, when they say that "there is no prophet in his Homeland." Do not treat your own people so respectfully, and the opinion of a stranger will always be higher. Where this came from, we can roughly assume, but the book is not about this now, we will just try to understand the problem, the causes of conflicts between relatives. Problems need to be reprimanded, hushed up and pretend that they do not exist, not the smartest idea.
Conflicts in the family
Society is changing, the family is changing, conflicts are changing, and methods of resolving conflicts in families are changing. Changing one subject or object of conflict or the conflict environment changes the algorithms and scenarios of possible further development of the conflict.
The most dangerous conflicts are when people do not shout, do not quarrel, but hold a grudge. This may be accompanied at some inopportune moment by so many problems that the participants in a possible conflict do not even know about it.
With regard to conflicts in the family, in particular, we will consider civil marriages in approximately the same way, when a guy and a girl live and run a joint household. If they don't live together, then they are just friends, because true love is experienced when living together.
Conflicts between a guy and a girl when they do not live together, we have included in a separate chapter, so it is necessary.
The form of relationships in modern families is so diverse that it is probably almost impossible to classify them all. Because conflicts in families at a distance, when a husband and wife do not see each other for work or other reasons for a long time, but at the same time love each other sincerely, proceed in a completely different way.
Sunday popes have become such an all-encompassing phenomenon that it is already becoming scary in terms of the scale of tragedies. I stand for a strong family, for a large number of children, preferably three or more. Of course, everyone decides for themselves what to do. This is such a complex topic, and it is strictly individual. This is the ideal model that everyone should strive for.
But in most cases, any conflict is a normal psychoemotional state of a person. At the same time, thought processes, critical thinking, and so on change. No conflict can make a person more intelligent than he was before, conflict can only blind him. We will not refer to this case the phrase that the conflict opened my eyes. This is already after the fact, and not at all about it.
Any conflict has a cause, something that starts it all. Sometimes the cause of the conflict is ephemeral, it seems that three years ago someone looked at another obliquely or looked at her. Resentment can increase, gain destructive power, and at some point destroy everything.
Therefore, to resolve a conflict, you always need to look for the cause. You can't cure a person if you don't know the diagnosis.
