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Various
The Fifteen Comforts of Matrimony: Responses from Men
The forward Age to other vice descends,
And Youth e're he'as attain'd good Sence to think,
Addicts himself with Pride, to swear and drink:
[*?]'s Rules Immoral from Example take,
And e're he's turn'd of fifteen, turns a Rake:
[*?]ots in Sin—(nothing that's Lewd shall scape
And on his Virgin Health commits a Rape,
Forsaking Reason—grows to Vice a Slave,
And e'r he's Thirty drops into his Grave.
The Twelfth Plague of a Town Life,
Another has a better Progress made,
And binds himself Apprentice to the Trade;
A parboyl'd Sot, without one Spark of Grace,
Whose nightly Sins are number'd on his Face:
Which with the Rags upon his back make out,
The very Arms and Ensigns of a Sot:
Who like a Rat into Some Corner goes,
And dies Unpittied both by Friends and Foes.
The Thirteenth Pleasure of a Town Life
What do's that Man deserve? to whom his Fate;
Has given an ample Stock or an Estate?
(That has, perhaps, besides a tender Wife;
Yet into Riot and Excess do's fall,
And in debauchery consumes it all?
And to his Sure Destruction makes such hast;
He do's in Body, with his Substance waste:
Lives till he want what he had misemply'd
And is like one that God had curs'd, Destroy'd.
The Fourteenth Pleasure of a Town Life
But say that this a Constitution has,
Firm and unshaken as a pile of Brass
Yet who'd Endure the Palsies, aching Heads?
The pains, the Qualms, that nightly Drinking breeds?
Perpetual disorder draggs him on,
Business Neglected, and himself Undone,
A Wretched Life he spends till threescore Years,
And then the Fruits of Drunkeness appears.
The Fifteenth Pleasure of a Town Life
Satyr and couculde—and sum the Evils up,
Shew the great wonder how the Land shou'd 'scape,
From Fires, Famines, Pestilence and Rage,
To crush so vile, so proffligate an Age?
For let the Church be Empty as it will,
You'll see the Play-house, and the Taverns fill:
Whole Afternoons, whole Nights they'll Squander there,
Yet can't Spare one poor Minute on't for Pray'r,
This is the Sum of a Licentious Town,
Where Lewdness is into Example grown.
FINIS
THE FIFTEEN COMFORTS OF CUCKOLDOM
Written by a noted Cuckold in the New-Exchange in the Strand
Printed in the Year 1706
To the Reader
The Town being diverted of late with a great many Comforts, several of the Gentlemen and others of the cornuted Society belonging to Horn-Fair not thinking those Comforts compleat without them of Cuckoldom, they requested me to undertake the Performance thereof, as having had some experience for many Years in Wives cokesing their Husbands in the very Moment they design'd to put a pair of Antlers on their Heads for fear of being gor'd by their Neighbours; whilst other good Wives are as often Picking their Husband's Pockets to pay now and then for a By-Blow: I have experienced those kind Wives too who are commonly upon the religious Point of going to Lectures when alas they had no other Business at Church than to meet their Gallants, who presently coaches 'em, because they dearly love Jilting. But for Brevity passing the several Dispositions of Men's Wives, as such as are Melancholly many Times for a Delay or Defeat, whilst others are preparing to make their Markets at the Play-house or Spring-Garden; or else to the Bath, when Bathing is the least part of their Errand, I shall draw to the Comforts which we enjoy by our Wives good Nature to others, which to their Fancies is sweet as Muskadine and Eggs.
The Fifteen Comforts, &c
The first Comfort of Cuckoldom
As I last Night in Bed lay Snoring,
I sweetly dreamt of Drinking and of Whoring,
Which waking me from a most pleasant Sleep,
To my dear Wife I very close did creep,
And offering to give her what I shou'd,
Quoth she, you Fumbler you can do no good,
Give me the Man that never claps his Wings,
But always Life and Courage with him brings,
'Tis such an one wou'd please; but as for you
If Night and Morning some small matter do;
You think you've done your due Benevolence,
When I with thrice your Labour can dispence.
This Reprimand my Courage soon did cool,
And fearing Combing with a Three-Legg'd-Stool;
I very fairly went to sleep again,
And left her of my Manhood to complain.
The Second Comfort of Cuckoldom
No sooner had I chang'd my single Life,
And had confin'd my Carcass to a Wife;
But she was always Gadding up and down,
To take the various Pleasures of the Town;
Howe're I only reckon'd this to be,
The airy Frisks of her Minority,
Till shortly finding and old Hag wou'd pay
Her Visits oft, and take her Day by Day
[*?]oad, indeed this gave me some Mistrust,
That this old weather beaten Devil must
Be some Procurer, and resolv'd to watch
Their Waters, where shoul'd I the Bitches catch,
But in a Bowdy-house in Milford-lane?
So going in a Passion home again,
At twelve at Night my Doxie likewise came,
Whom I in mod'rate Terms began to blame;
Telling her that old Witch with whom she went,
Abroad a Days by Rogues was only sent
About to Wheedle young and tender Maids
To Ruine, till they turned common Jades.
You Lie, reply'd my hopeful graceless Dear,
I'll have you know, I'll never sin in fear,
Besides for she of whom you think, Amiss,
That sweet obliging Gentlewoman is
A tender-hearted Bawd that ne'er made Whore,
But ever us'd such as were broke before.
Now finding her so bad at Seventeen,
Thinks I by that time she has Thirty seen,
She'll be a Whore in Grain; but by good hap,
She dy'd within a year of Pox and Clap.
The third Comfort of Cuckoldom
It was my Fortune to be joyn'd to one,
As pretty as was shined on by the Sun;
For on my word her Eyes were full and gray,
With ruddy Lips, round Cheeks, her Forehead lay
Archt like a snowie Bank, which did uphold
Her natvie Tresses, that did shine like Gold;
Her azure Veins, which with a well sharp'd Nose,
Her whiter Neck, broad Shoulders to compose:
A slender Waste, a Body strait and Tall,
With Swan-like Breasts, long Hands, and Fingers small,
Her Ivory Knees, her Legs were neat and clean,
A Swelling Calf, with Ancles round and lean,
Her Insteps thin, short Heels, with even Toes,
A Sole most strait, proportion'd Feet, she goes
With modest Grace; but yet her Company,
Did not a Month enjoy, before that I
Was Prest for Sea, and being on the Main,
For thirty Months I then return'd again,
Where finding in my absence that my Wife
Three brats had got, a most unchaste Life
Both Day and Night I led the lech'rous Whore;
Who seeing how I Curst, and Bann'd, and Swore,
A Bag or two she shew'd me cramn'd with Gold,
Which Treasure I no sooner did behold,
But then I Kist my loving Wife and leapt,
For very Gladness that my Horns were Tipt.
The fourth Comfort of Cuckoldom
Above a Year or two I always thought
My Wife so good that she cou'd not be naught,
Till one Night coming home I caught a Spark
Sat in my Parlor by her in the Dark,
In mighty Pet I call'd for Candles strait,
Doubting that I poor Fool was come too late:
T'avert the Burthen which is made to grow
On such who enters into Cuckolds Row.
Hower'e as I was thinking of the best,
And as I nothing saw contented rest,
My am'rous Wife's Gallant, before he went,
Did shew enough t'encrease my Discontent
For he wou'd slily pull her Petticoat,
Nod, Wink, and put into her Hand a Note,
Whisper her in the Ear, or touch her Foot
With many other private Signs to boot,
All which confirm'd my Jealousie the more,
And made me think 'em to be Rogue and Whore,
But as I knew my Wife a bawling Slut,
My Horns into my Pocket did I put
For Quietness, which yet I seldom had,
So I thro' Cuckoldom run really Mad.
The fifth Comfort of Cuckoldom
When I poor I unto a Wife was bound,
I wish I had been Bury'd under Ground,
For to my Grief I found her both before
And after Marriage too to be a Whore.
But when I found the Beast of such a Breed,
I soldier turn'd, and with a Baw'd agreed
To let her out at half a Crown a Week
Who undertook she shou'd not be too seek;
For Custom, but said, she must for her pains,
From th' insatiate Whore have double Gains.
The Sixth Comfort of Cuckoldom
Finding my Wife by Whoring nothing get,
But to maintain her Sparks ran me in Debt;
Her Whoring gratis made me really vext,
So Shop I shut, and fled to Holland next.
The Seventh Comfort of Cuckoldom
While I was but into the Country gone,
To give some Chapmen there the gentle Dun
Mean time a Rubbers she with some had play'd,
And in the Powd'ring Tub was quickly laid,
Unknown to me, and had been secret still,
But that the Surgeon bringing in his Bill
When I came Home, the Murder so came out,
And still my Wife is Whore enough I doubt.
The Eighth Comfort of Cuckoldom
A sordid Lecher coming very old
To tempt my Spouse with Silver and with Gold,
She told me of't, and said, she cou'd not fawn,
On him, or's Gold, to lay her Soul in pawn.
By this I thought her Honest, till my maid
Inform'd me shortly what Lew'd Tricks she play
I Twitted then my Wife's Hypocrisie,
Who Impudently did Reply to me;
Old Flesh she Loath'd, as having in it left
No Gravy, and of all it's Juice bereft,
But if the Flesh was Young and to her mind,
She'd to one Dish would never be confin'd.
The Ninth Comfort of Cuckoldom
By my Dear Wife, in turning up her Tail
To bear the Threshing of her Gallant's Frail,
A Groat (which always is a Cuckold's Fee)
Under the Candlestick I've laid for me;
Besides good Peck and Booze, so till she's Dead,
She may and will Whore on to get me Bread.
The Tenth Comfort of Cuckoldom
As Strangers flatter'd with deceitful Snow,
Fall in a Deadly Pit they do not know,