Ольга Анатольевна Анищенко
The Puzzle of Elijah
“Is there anything you can do to fix this problem?” I asked shakely.
“Previously, these babies had been dying right after birth. But 30 years ago, the doctors began doing surgeries to correct such problems. Usually they do an open-heart surgery on the first day of the baby’s life. Then, another surgery at six months, and the third one at the age of three years. The recovery is very difficult and not many babies survive these surgeries,” the doctor answered with a sad tone.
I was devastated and shocked by the news and could not believe this was happening. Why had God allowed me to survive the risk of miscarriage, to let this happen to my child? I wasn’t sure if I would be able to handle this situation, but just because I thought this, it didn’t make the problems of my pregnancy go away. “What if I could not handle this situation emotionally or physically? What about our other children?” The questions raced through my mind. Then reality grabbed me. No matter how many questions I had, none of the answers would take away the harsh reality of this pregnancy.
“Olga, I am referring you to a high-risk pregnancy specialist, in case you consider an abortion,” the doctor continued.
“I can’t do an abortion. This is our baby, whom we already love so much.”
All in tears I left the doctor’s office. Outside, shaking, crying, and having a hard time concentrating, I called Oleg at work and told him the devastating news.
“Our baby is a boy, who is having many heart issues. He will die if we don’t do the surgeries. Why did God let it happen to us?”
“Olga, God will help us. We should trust in His will,” Oleg said with a calm voice.
But I thought reality is reality and miracles just don’t happen in today’s world. Men often hide their feelings and don’t talk about them as much as women do. I wondered whether this was Oleg’ true feeling or if he was telling me what I needed to hear.
…….
That minute I remembered the Bible story of Job that Oleg and I had recently read. Job was a blameless, upright person, who feared God and shunned evil. Satan thought that Job was righteous because God had blessed him.
“If you take everything away from Job, I will prove to You that Job will curse you,” Satan told God.
“I let you test Job. I am sure he will not curse Me. He is a righteous and blameless person,” God replied to Satan.
With God’s permission Satan tested Job, by destroying his wealth, killing all his children and taking his health away from Job. But Job didn’t curse God. He remained loyal to Him. Satan was proved wrong and God blessed Job even more than before, by giving him more children and wealth. I wondered if God was testing us, as He had tested Job?
I drove directly to Mom’s house to see and talk to her. I knew her comfort would be forth coming.
“Our baby has very serious heart issues and may be born very ill,” I broke in tears. “He may not even survive…”
“Daughter, please don’t cry. Give your worry to God. He is in charge of everything and He will help you. We will be praying for your baby,” hugging me, Mom tried to calm me down.
I picked up our children and went home. Later that evening, Oleg and I talked to our children.
“David, Kristina and Michael, we have news for you!”
The kids came and sat next to us, ready to listen.
“The baby in Mama’s womb is a boy. You will have a little brother!” Oleg said.
David and Michael jumped up, being so happy about baby brother.
“But I wanted a sister,” Kristina started crying.
I comforted Kristina and shared the rest of the news.
“We also have very sad news for you. Your baby brother has many issues with his heart. When he is born, he may not even live long. He might require multiple surgeries and may not come home right away.”
The children were scared. With tears on their eyes, they looked at us, not sure what to ask, how to react or what to answer.
“We need to pray to God and ask Him to heal our baby,” Oleg said. “God is powerful. He heals people, if it is His will.”
Oleg embraced the children in his arms. We all prayed and cried out to God, asking for His mercy.
…….
One week later, while Oleg was at work, I had a second ultrasound at a high-risk Obstetrician/Gynecology clinic.
“Olga, this ultrasound confirms that all the problems with your baby’s heart are real,” summarized the doctor.
“Why did it happen to our baby? Did I do something wrong?” I asked through tears.
“No one knows why the Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome occurs. As with most congenital heart defects, there is no known cause.”
“Can you tell me more about the surgery?” I asked.
“Sure,” the doctor said. “It is a very complicated open-heart surgery. Eighty-five percent of babies survive the first surgery. Less babies survive the second surgery. And a lot less babies survive all three surgeries. With time, their heart becomes very weak. They require a heart transplant. If they can’t wait long enough for the transplant, they die. Only a few individuals live up to thirty years.”
The doctor paused, and I did not know what to say or ask. What a terrible dilemma for a parent to face. Our baby will die if we don’t do the surgery. But, I also didn’t want my baby to go through the pain of surgery…
“Olga, you may consider an abortion,” the doctor said.
“No,” quickly escaped my lips. “I love my baby so much already. There is no way we can do an abortion. I am also from a Christian family and we know that abortion is a sin. I feel that aborting my baby would be the same as killing him. I can’t do that. His life is in God’s hands. I will give my baby all chances for life, and I know God will help me.”
The doctor looked at me, regretfully. He knew I had no idea what I was facing if I decided to go with open-heart surgeries on a newborn baby.
“I will refer you to a cardiologist,” the doctor said. “They will do an echocardiogram, which will show more details of your baby’s heart. Talk to your husband. You still have time to do an abortion, if you decide.”
I left the doctor’s office and called Oleg.
“The ultrasound confirmed again that our baby’s heart is badly malformed and is not going to change,” I said through tears.
“God will help us, Olga. Please don’t cry,” Oleg tried to calm me with little success.
“I can’t accept it. I don’t want to accept it. Why did God let it happen to our baby? Did we do something wrong? Is He punishing us for something?”
“Olga, we don’t know why it happened. You know we didn’t sin. I don’t think God is punishing us. For some reason, He let it happen and He will help us through it,” Oleg did his best to soothe me.
Until that day, I was hoping that it was a mistake, but it seemed that both Oleg and I were powerless, and that God had failed us. Driving home, I cried out to God, hardly seeing the freeway through tears.
“Why, God, You decided to give us an ill baby? Are you punishing us for something? Show me, what is it? I will do whatever it takes to fix it. I just want our baby to be healthy.”
But God was quiet. I didn’t hear Him answer…
At home, I continued to cry and implore God to heal our baby. I could do this since Oleg was at work and the children were at school. I was home alone. No one could see me cry. After a while, I began to sense a different perspective. I felt as if through our experience with the third pregnancy, God prepared us to better handle the issues in the fourth pregnancy. The doctors predicted that our third child could be born with serious health problems, but he was a healthy baby. Could it happen again? Here we were, facing a decision: the doctors were telling us there was a huge problem and suggesting an abortion; our religious values said we should not do an abortion. How do you decide such a critical question? I knew Oleg and I needed to think and agree, and it had to come from our heart and values.
…….
I knew our situation would be nearly unbearable and that we would need lots of advice, love, help, comfort and support, to be able to deal with this complicated pregnancy. I first turned to my Father. We share a special connection; I know he will always be there for me. His words and guidance come from the heart. When I was a child, I always heard him pray every night and I knew God heard him. My Father also often told us how God healed others through the hands of his Grandfather. I knew we had to pray.
“Dad, our baby’s heart issues are so serious. Can you please pray for us?” I asked my Father.
“Olga, the news is terrifying, but please, take care of yourself,” my Father said. “Don’t worry. God will take care of you and your baby. We will pray, and God will help. I love you, Daughter. Be strong.”
I know Dad worried and wanted to help me. Even though there was little he could do, he could continue loving us and praying for us.
I also called my Mother-in-law to tell her the news and ask her for prayers. She is such a wonderful lady. She tried to calm me down and asked me not to worry, reminding me that often the doctors are wrong. She promised to pray for us.
Next, I called our friends, relatives, co-workers and neighbors, and asked them to pray for us. The illness of our baby did not only add worry to Oleg and me. It affected our whole big family and the people who surrounded us. Everyone questioned why God let it happen. People didn’t know what to tell us or how to comfort us, yet they promised to pray for us.
…….
We sought support and comfort from the ministers of our church. We spoke to them about the serious problems of our baby, expecting prayers and the traditional anointing of the holy oil. Instead, we heard the opposite, “Check your lives. Maybe there is something for which God is punishing you. God doesn’t usually give ill children to Christians.”
Oleg and I were shocked. We expected support rather than more pain. We knew we didn’t sin. We thought God is merciful. Everything comes from God. Nothing is done without His will. It is only God who judges us. Returning home, we prayed asking God to heal our son and to give us strength and understanding to accept His will.
Every day I was in tears. Often, I called my best friend, Katya, with my questions. She knew I needed help.
“Call Pastor Ivan,” she suggested. “He is my cousin, a positive and a knowledgeable person. He will answer your questions.”
One day, when I just couldn’t find peace, I called the Pastor Ivan, whom I had never met. I asked him my questions. His answers were like a breath of fresh air that poured new life and strength into our lives.
“If you don’t feel that you have done anything wrong before God, stop asking for forgiveness,” the Pastor Ivan said. “Praise God for everything He is doing, even for what you don’t understand today. The Bible says that everything comes from God and nothing is done without His will. It was His will to give you an ill baby. Maybe God is preparing you for something. He may do His work through you. Praise God for everything and be patient. It will not last forever. Usually, the sun comes out after a thunderstorm!”
This unexpected word of encouragement strengthened our belief that everything comes from God. Although we did not understand everything, we felt relieved after our conversation with Pastor Ivan. We thanked God that he inspired us and poured in us a positive energy. It's like he gave us life back. In our tormented heart God's peace appeared again, which is above all our thoughts and doubts.
…….
In those days, our church fought for us in prayers. We also turned to different churches and asked them to pray for God to heal our baby. Once young people from a neighboring city came and gave us the prophetic word that they received in a prayer about our situation. It was said that our son will be healed in the mother’s womb! With tears of joy we thanked God. We believed in prophecies and it was what we wanted to hear…
…….
A month after my appointment with the high-risk Obstetrician/Gynecology specialist, I saw a cardiologist. Oleg came with me. We were hopeful that the change would be positive, but the echocardiogram showed no improvement. Our son would still need all the surgeries and spend his early life in the hospital.
“I would recommend you consider an abortion,” said the cardiologist. “The surgery is very complicated, and your baby may not even survive.”
The cardiologist gave us time to think and left the room. She was the third specialist who had recommended abortion. Oleg and I sat hand in hand. I didn’t want our baby to go through the surgery, and I didn’t want him to die either. I knew the abortion was same as killing a person. I couldn’t stop our son’s life.
“We believe in the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and He will help us,” Oleg said. “There is no way we will do an abortion.”
When the cardiologist came back, we told her our decision and left the hospital. On our way home, we prayed and wondered when God was going to step in and heal our baby. Our faith gave us hope.
Every month we met with the same cardiologist and had echocardiograms, which showed that the problems with our baby’s heart were still there. As the fetus grew older, the option of an abortion would no longer exist. This didn’t matter because we weren’t willing to consider an abortion. Every time, the doctors were telling us how severe our baby’s heart defects were, Oleg and I loved our expected son more and more. We still had that hope that God would heal him.
…….
A normal pregnancy is forty weeks. Unfortunately, at twenty-six weeks, my blood sugar started rising. I developed Gestational Diabetes and didn’t look or feel healthy at all.
“Olga, you need to start eating healthy,” the doctor said. “I will refer you to a dietitian, who will tell you which diet to follow. Olga, you also need to start pricking your finger three times daily to check your blood sugar. I am afraid you may need to start insulin shots soon.”
“I can poke my finger and check the sugar level, but I am so scared of insulin shots. I promise I will do everything possible to keep my blood sugar level in control,” I said.
I have never had Diabetes. I was young and thought it only happened to old people. A week later, my blood sugar was still very high. The idea of shots scared me. I couldn’t imagine giving myself a shot, so I tried even harder to eat healthy. Luckily, my blood sugar level dropped to an acceptable range.
At twenty-eight weeks, my blood pressure began to rise, and I started to retain water. My body seemed to fill up like a balloon, which made me even more uncomfortable. I had a doctor’s visit again.
“Olga, I am worried that you may develop preeclampsia. We may need to hospitalize you,” the doctor said.
“What is preeclampsia?” I asked. “How can I develop it?”
“It is a serious condition, characterized by high blood pressure and protein in the urine. It occurs when the placenta starts functioning improperly. This condition can cause respiratory problems and restriction of your baby’s growth. It can also damage your liver and kidneys. The only cure for preeclampsia is to deliver the baby early.”
“Our baby is sick and now my life and health is in danger? But, there is no way you can hospitalize me. My children need me at home.”
“I hope we don’t have to hospitalize you, but time will tell,” the doctor said.
How do you believe the doctors if you feel fine? In truth, I tried to rationalize the problem away. At home, I tried harder to rest and follow the doctor’s directions, hoping that my blood pressure would not rise.
…….
A week later, I developed a bad headache and just felt awful. I drove to my Mom’s house to check my blood pressure on her machine. It was 167/107. Normal is 120/80. At that time, I was thirty-two years old and had no idea that those numbers were very high for anyone, much less for a pregnant woman. My Mom worried and told me to call the doctor. I called and spoke with a nurse.
“Olga, lay on the left side for one hour and check again,” the nurse instructed. “If the blood pressure does not decrease, go to the emergency room immediately. From such high blood pressure, your baby might die any minute, or you might have a stroke.”
I laid on my left side for an hour. How do you stay calm when you are worried? I didn’t know. I tried, but my blood pressure did not decrease. Oleg came home from work. He and I left the children at my Mom’s house and went to the Southwest Washington Medical Center (SWMC) in Vancouver. After six hours at the hospital, the doctor prescribed me medications to lower my blood pressure and let me go home.
The next day, I was okay and just rested. The following morning my blood pressure was high again, so I called the nurse.
“Olga, get to the hospital as soon as possible because your baby and you can die any minute,” the nurse instructed.
Oleg and I left our three children at my Mom’s house and drove to the Emergency Room. The doctors immediately hospitalized me. They put an IV with medications in my arm to decrease my blood pressure. I felt normal, except for a terrible headache, but what the doctors were telling me made it sound like I was very sick and in a serious trouble.
Oleg stayed with me. He was calm, but worried. Late in the evening, he left to pick up the children and go home. He had to continue caring for our children and supporting our family. I don’t know what he thought or told the children that evening. My Mom told me later that our children were scared and prayed that nothing bad would happen to me and the baby.
…….
My evening at the hospital was quiet. The nurse attached a monitor to my stomach, so the nurse and I could hear my baby’s heartbeat. The medications were working, and my blood pressure decreased slightly. Surprisingly, I was calm and accepted everything as it happened. I now was sure that my life and the life of our unborn son was in danger. I prayed to God for His help. Resting quietly, I read a book and made a few phone calls before I fell asleep.
Luckily, the next morning everything seemed to be okay. I thought I might be able to return home. Unfortunately, a test showed protein in my urine and the doctor said I should stay in the hospital another day. I was really disappointed because my oldest sister Tanya had asked me several months ago to save the date for a baby shower for me that evening. Even though my seven sisters, two sisters-in-law and I knew that our baby was very ill and might not survive, we rarely talked about it. Planning a baby shower for me was a normal process. That is what sisters and friends do for every expectant Mother. Tanya had worked very hard to have a baby shower for me that evening. All the guests were invited. I didn’t want to disappoint her, but now I didn’t think I was going to be able to attend. Surprisingly, later in the day, my blood pressure decreased.
“Olga, I will give you a two-hour pass to go to your baby shower,” the doctor said. “Then you have to come back to the hospital. Be very careful.”
“Thank you!” I exclaimed. “I am so happy you let me go. This means so much to me!”
Maybe the doctor let me go because if she told me I couldn’t go, my blood pressure might rise higher than if I would go. In retrospect, it might seem crazy, but at the time the baby shower was very important to me. Sometimes, we get our priorities mixed up and just do things that in hindsight we would never do.
My friend, Katya, picked me up at the hospital and drove me to the party. The guests were waiting for me at my sister’s house. Her living room was beautifully decorated in lime and brown colors. The sign “It’s a Boy!” hung on the wall and delicious food filled the table. The party was wonderful. My family and friends came to support me. They knew I was ill and they prayed for me. I thanked everyone for coming and told them I had only a two-hour-pass from the doctor. We ate, opened presents and took pictures. My ten-year-old daughter Kristina brought me food, opened the presents for me, and was just happy I was with her. The time flew by quickly.
“Friends, I don’t have time to read your cards,” I said. “But I will read them at the hospital. I promise.”
“It’s okay, Olga. We wish you luck and we will pray for you,” my friends and family answered. They prayed for me. It felt good to be surrounded by loved ones, who wanted our baby to live, and their gifts reflected it.
Happy that I could attend, I returned to the hospital. I was tired and went to bed. The nurse attached the monitor again to my belly. She turned it on every thirty minutes to check the baby’s heartbeat. I felt normal with no pain or headache and fell asleep. At about 11 p.m., a beeping noise woke me up. Frightened, I opened my eyes wide, looked at the monitor and saw that our baby’s heart beat had dropped dramatically from 150 to 56 beats per minute. In panic, I pressed the help button. The nurse ran into my room.
“Olga, turn to your left side!” she instructed.
I did. The baby’s heart beat went up. I calmed down and fell asleep again. In the morning the nurse told me that during the night, my baby’s heart beat had slowed down three more times.
…….
5
Do not be afraid, for God is always with you,
even though you don’t see Him.
The next morning, I called Oleg. This was the first day of school for the new year. Normally, we would drop our children at my Mom’s house. Then the children would ride the school bus to the school near her house and in the afternoon, return for day care. But this year, because of the pregnancy and my plans to stay at home, I had transferred our children to the school nearest our house.
Oleg had no idea what it took to get David, Kristina and Michael ready for school in the morning. I was worried and wanted to know if he had survived, so I called him. He said it was hectic without me at home. He had to get the children ready for school, prepare breakfast and lunch for them, figure out the bus routine and get to work on time. He thought he did okay, but wished I was home to do that. I also wished I had been there to help him, but secretly was glad he now would find out what I did every day.
After talking to Oleg, I sat on my hospital bed and started reading the cards from my baby shower. After reading a few, my eyes paused on the third card:
“How aII the Angels must have smiled
When Jesus chose this newborn Child
For you to love and cuddle, too -
A miracle that's aII for you!”
Tears filled my eyes as I thought, “Why did Jesus choose an ill baby for me?” I felt my baby move… He probably felt my worries and wanted to let me know that everything would be okay.
The doctors came to my room and said, “Olga, it would be better for us to transfer you to Oregon Health and Science University (OHSU) in Portland. They specialize in heart surgeries that your baby would need right after delivery. We worry that your baby might be born early.”
“I still have ten weeks to be pregnant,” I said. “I can’t have my baby today. I just want everything to return to normal and go home.”
“Olga, you will be safer at OHSU. We need your permission to transfer you there.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “You can transfer me there.”
I knew it would be best for me and my baby. I called my husband again and told him the news. Then, I got ready for the transfer.
“Riding in an ambulance is a new experience for me. I am scared because I always associated the ambulance with people who had serious medical problems or were dying,” I told the doctor my concern.
“You will be safe,” the doctor assured me. “Everything will be okay.”
“We need you to lay on the stretcher,” the paramedic said.
“I can walk to the ambulance myself,” I answered.
“Olga, it is for your and our safety. You need to lie on the stretcher.”
I did. They wheeled me out through the halls of the hospital. I didn’t look or feel like I was sick. Someone young like me shouldn’t need to be in a stretcher. I was the center of attention and it embarrassed me.
The ride was smooth with no sirens and no flashing lights. Inside the ambulance, my blood pressure increased and the nurse worried. When we arrived at OHSU, the driver wheeled me out from the ambulance. On a stretcher, I met the faces of new doctors, nurses and patients. Again, I could not believe it was me on that stretcher. Embarrassed, I was ready to hide my face under the blanket.
The paramedics took me to the intensive care room of the delivery unit. Two nurses gave me medications, started IVs, measured my blood pressure, and took blood for several tests. Then, the cardiologist, neonatologist and medical students came to introduce themselves.
The cardiologist said, “Olga, we will try to keep you pregnant as long as possible, because it is too early for your baby to be born.”
“I know. I still have ten weeks to be pregnant. I can’t have my baby born today,” I answered, not even thinking of all the things that can really go wrong…
The nurses monitored the baby’s heartbeat. During the day, the monitor would often beep to show that the baby’s heart rate was dropping and then it would recover. I did not know a lot about Preeclampsia and did not ask many questions because the nurses were busy. They were completing doctor’s orders, trying to decide if I should eat or not. I was very hungry, but had to wait and didn’t know why. Later, I understood that they did not want me to eat before the surgery. They were not sure how soon they might have to do the C-section. I was given a shot with steroids, which was supposed to help our baby’s lungs open, in case he was born early.
In the evening, Oleg and the children came to visit me. The children told me about their first day at school and then asked, “How soon you are coming home, Mama?”
“I hope, very soon,” I said.
“Today after work it took me two hours to read all the papers that our children brought from school,” Oleg said. “I had to sign so many of them and wished you were home to do that.”
I just smiled and said, “It is good for you, honey, to see what mothers usually do, all the things which seem to be easy.”
After about an hour, Oleg and the children left for home. Tired, I fell asleep.
…….
Just before midnight, a worried nurse woke me up.
“Olga, your baby’s heart is stopping about every five minutes,” she said. “The doctors are deciding whether to do the C-section or not.”
Frightened and sleepy, I was trying to wake up and realize what was happening. Three doctors walked into my room.
“Why is my baby’s heart stopping every five minutes?” I asked, confused.
“Your high blood pressure and the protein in your urine is causing your baby’s heart to stop,” the first doctor explained. “His heart defect is not the problem. It is you, Olga, who developed not only preeclampsia, but eclampsia, the final and most severe phase. Your placenta started to secrete substances that can cause dysfunction in your blood vessels. You may start having seizures or go into a coma. It also can damage your liver and kidneys. Both you and the baby can die. Basically, your body is killing your baby.”
“Olga, with his heart defect, your baby has less than 1% chance to survive,” added the second doctor. “You have two options. One is to let the nature take its course and let your baby die. We will induce you and remove the baby from your womb without surgery. The second option is to do an emergency C-section. We would not recommend the C-section because it’s a major surgery and your baby has such a small chance to live.”
Even though the doctors had warned me, I didn’t really believe that it would come to this. Let my baby die? What is happening? Where is Oleg? I need his help and support! I thought.
“Do I have time to call my husband?” I asked.
“Yes, you do,” the doctor answered and stepped out to the hall.
I called Oleg and told him as fast as I could, “Our baby’s heart is stopping every 5 minutes. He is dying. The doctors are asking if we should let him die or do an emergency C-section on me. I need you to come to the hospital as soon as possible, please. I will call my Father and ask him to come and spend the night with our children. I will call you back.”
I quickly called my Father and asked if he could spend the night with our children. My Father said he will and promised to pray for us.
I called Oleg back to ask him what to do, but for some reason he didn’t pick up the phone. I tried again. No answer warned me.
“Where is Oleg? Why he doesn’t answer?” I sat on my hospital bed, confused. Every minute counted. I thought to myself, “How can I say, ‘I am willing to let my baby die?’” Even if he has a 1% chance to survive, I should give it to him. The doctors should do the C-section. Even if my baby does not survive, I will have a scar to remember him by. THERE IS GOD IN HEAVEN, WHO GIVES LIFE AND WHO TAKES IT AWAY. I will give my baby all his chances. I know he will live!”
The doctors came back into my room and asked again, “So, Olga, what have you decided?”
“My husband is on his way here,” I answered with a shaky voice. “Please do the C-section. I will give my baby all his chances for life. God will make that final decision about our baby’s life.”
“Are you sure, Olga? This surgery is a major procedure, which we would prefer not to do on you.”
“Yes, I am sure.”
“Would you like us to save your baby when he is born?” the doctor asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked confused.
“Would you like us to let him die or provide him with breathing help and medications for his heart?”
“I would like you to do everything possible to save his life. God will take his life, if it is time, but I will do everything possible to help our son live.”
The doctors were quiet for a minute and then left the room. They knew what I didn’t want to accept. Only later, I realized if they told me that my baby had no chance for life, I would not be asking them to save him. But because they gave him that 1%, I asked them to save him. I knew miracles happen.
After about thirty-five minutes, which seemed an eternity to me, Oleg was finally with me in the room.
“Olga, I am sorry it took me a while to get here,” he said. “The main entrance door of the hospital was locked, so, the security guard had to let me in through the back door.”
Oleg’s face was pale. Only God knows what my husband experienced.
