Nikolay Lakutin
Operational bachelorette party. Comedy. А play for 5 people
Attention! ALL COPYRIGHTS TO THE PLAY ARE PROTECTED BY THE LAWS OF RUSSIA, INTERNATIONAL LEGISLATION AND BELONG TO THE AUTHOR. ITS PUBLICATION AND REPUBLICATION, REPRODUCTION, PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, TRANSLATION INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, MAKING CHANGES TO THE TEXT OF THE PLAY WHEN STAGED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR IS PROHIBITED. THE PRODUCTION OF THE PLAY IS POSSIBLE ONLY AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF A DIRECT CONTRACT BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE THEATER.
Comedy for 5 people (female roles)
A play in two acts.
(In an abbreviated version, it can be delivered as a one-act).
(18+)
ACTORS
Xana (Ksyu).
Bela (Squirrel).
Lisa (Lee).
Angelina (Gel).
Damira (Damka)
Action 1
Scene 1. Crocodile tears.
Street, nearby in the visibility zone is a roadside cafe.
The sad lyrical theme of love sounds.
The light turns on smoothly.
With a slow timid step, a tearful Bela comes out. Sobbing.
Mascara has flowed, lipstick is rubbed on the face.
The musical theme ends smoothly.
Bela (sobbing, through crying). Asshole… A parasite… Asshole!
Bela stops, unable to restrain herself any longer, begins to sob, covering her face with her hands.
A positive musical theme sounds.
Xana comes out. She's on an emotional high, looks fresh, attractive. Reads the correspondence in the smartphone, is touched.
The musical theme ends.
Xana (looking at her smartphone, touching, positively). Well, the bastard – I agree. A parasite? (He thinks about it.) In a way.
He reads on, smiling slyly.
Xana (looking at her smartphone, touching, positively). A goat? Beyond any doubt. Come on, come on, darling. Everything that hurt. Console yourself with these splashes… What else can you do…, poor fellow.
Xana smiles, puts her smartphone in her pocket and "bumps" into a sobbing Bela. Stops. He looks at her carefully. Pretty quickly begins to understand what's what.
Xana (looking intently at Bela). Sooooo!
Bela removes her palms from her face, briefly switches her gaze to Xana, and bursts into tears again, covering her face with her hands.
Xana (looking intently at Bela). And, well, everything is clear …
Xana on a heavy exhalation turns her gaze to the auditorium.
Bela tries to calm down, sobs. Wipes his face and nose with his hands. She's shaking all over with nerves and emotions.
Xana gives Bela some time to clean up.
Xana (looking intently at Bela again). So.... (With an affirmative question.) Yeah?
Bela (sobbing, through crying, nodding). Yeah…
Xana is busily looking around. Her gaze stops at a roadside cafe.
Xana (resolutely, Bele, reinforcing the remark with gestures). You're coming with me!
Xana goes and sits down at an empty table at a roadside cafe. A completely "broken" Bela is trailing behind her. He sits down next to me.
A waitress in a white blouse approaches, with a menu in her hands. This is Damira. He smiles affably.
Damira (to visitors, friendly). Hello, my name is Damira, I will be serving your table today. (Offering a menu.) Study the menu, or would you like to place an order right away?
Xana (resolutely, to the waitress). Immediately! So…
Xana expertly quickly opens the menu and pokes her finger at some section.
Xana (resolutely, to the waitress, showing her choice). Here are a couple of these cocktails, a salad like this. Two. And....
Bela begins to sob heavily again, again covers her face with her hands.
Xana turns her gaze to Bela. Then the waitress.
Xana (resolutely, to the waitress, putting away the menu). Lights out cocktails and salads. Bring us some delicious vodka, Damira, and have a natural snack. Tomatoes, cucumbers, lettuce leaves… Well, I understand in general, yes?
Damira (writing down). Understood-understood.
The waitress leaves, Xana rests her chin on her hand, looks pityingly at Bela. Bela calms down.
Bela (hesitantly). Excuse me, I'm…
Xana (resolutely, interrupting). Let's go for "you". We have the same age plus or minus.
Bela (hesitantly). Good…
Xana (resolutely, but kindly). I'm Xana. You can Ksyu!
Bela (nodding affably). Bela.
Xana (cheerfully). Bela? An infrequent name. Can I call you Squirrel?
Bela (calmly). You can, that's usually everyone's name.
Damira promptly brings the order. He places a couple of stacks on the table, puts a misted bottle of vodka, a plate with slicing.
Xana (reading the waitress's badge). Yes-miii-ra, (to the waitress, matter-of-factly) listen, Damira, get yourself another "stoparik". Let's sit down together and talk. I'm buying!
Damira (affably, a little guiltily). Oh, thank you, but I'm at work, sorry. I'm not supposed to.
Xana (insistently, to the waitress, with a twinkle and a hitch). Where is it not supposed to be? Who is not supposed to? Where is it not supposed to go? Damira? What are you? We will rub about men! Davaaaaay!
Damira smiles, she herself would be happy, but she can't.
Damira (affably, in Xana's ear). Yes, I wouldn't really mind, but if my boss sees me here with you, I will be fired immediately, and without calculation.
Xana (insistently, to the waitress). Missis! Do you mind if I call you that?
Damira shakes her head uncertainly.
Xana (insistently, to the waitress). Let's be honest! Do you like this job? How much do you value her?
Damira looks uncertainly somewhere to the side, fearing that her boss will hear her.
Damira (in a friendly way, in Xana's ear). To be honest, not really. Another boss is an old bastard. I wanted to be a sales manager in general, but I couldn't find anything… here… while here.
Xana nods understandingly, immediately takes out her smartphone. Promptly dials the number. Calling someone.
Xana (busily, into the phone). Seryozhenka, hello, dear. Me, who else. How are you? Yes? Well, well done. Yes, I'm fine too. Listen, you were looking for a girl to sell. Did you find it? Don't look, I've already found it. Ooooooofig, you'll like it. Damir's name is. Did you check out the name? That's it. That's it, I'll give you your contacts, he'll dial today. Not today? When is it necessary? The day after tomorrow? Ok. Come on, kiss me. Both, of course. (He listens to the phone, smiles.) Okay, and there too. You know, I'm anything you want for you, yes… yes. Well, that's it. (Kisses the receiver.) Mua-mua!
Xana puts the phone away, turns to Damira, actively gestures.
Xana (calmly, to the waitress). I've decided everything. They're waiting for you. Call me the day after tomorrow. Give me the phone, I'll write the number. (Damira gives her phone number, Ksana writes down Sergey's number there.) The salary will not offend, the attitude will be amazing! Get a stack for yourself… and a chair. Let's drink!
Damira is in shock, she doesn't know what to do. Her inner turmoil is visible.
Xana (calmly, to the waitress). Ah, I get it.
Xana takes a stack of money out of her pocket, counts out how much, puts the amount on the table. Removes the rest of the money.
Xana (busily, to the waitress). Here you go. Compensation for the upcoming retention here on the s/p.
Xana takes the bottle, opens it, pours it. He looks at Damira.
Xana (encouraging the waitress). Come on-come on-come on!
Damira smiles, takes the money. "Breaks down" behind a chair and a stack.
He comes running, substitutes a chair, sits down. He puts down his stack. Xana immediately pours it for her. He pours a little for everyone.
Xana (commanding). So. Raised!
Everyone takes a shot.
Xana (commanding). For the acquaintance, girls! Will be!
All three are drinking. They wince. Have a snack.
Xana (in her own way, Damire). I'm Xana! (He points to Bela.) It's a Squirrel!
Bela and Damira nod affably to each other.
Damira (in a friendly way, Bela). Damira.
Xana (in her own way, Damire). Don't worry about work! Serega… (Shows a finger up.) That's such a guy! Everything will be tip-top, be sure!
Damira (with interest, Xane). And … you have something with him …
Damira shows a gesture of relationship (decently, for example, rubs her index fingers together).
Xana (in her own way, Damire). No, you're not… We have… purely buddies. He is a serious man, and I am a life-loving, free-spirited girl. We couldn't get along with him under any circumstances. We are sooooooooo different. But we communicate normally. So… we can make fun of each other. But no more. By the way, he is married, but I don't like his wife, a complete fool. (Playfully.) So if anything, look… I don't mind!
Damira (modestly, blushing). Xaaaana, what are you....
Xana (in her own way, Damire). You can Ksyu! It's okay, it's life. Who managed, that and sneakers. And his sneakers, I think, are normal!
Damira (modestly, blushing). Oh, no. I'm not like that. Family is sacred!
Xana (in her own way, Damire). Yes, we are all not like that! (He turns to Bela for support.) Belka, tell me?
Bela shrugs uncertainly.
Xana (in her own way, Bela). So, come on, tell me. What's your story?
Xana and Damira are all paying attention, looking at Bela.
Bela (hesitantly). Yes… I don't even know how to say it… It's uncomfortable somehow.
Xana (in her own way, Bela). Squirrel, what are you? All your own! Do you know how many of these goats I've had in my life? I've been in such stories… mmmmm.... Sometimes I don't believe it myself. But it was. It was! Well, what do you have there? Changed it?
Bela (sighing). Ah… no.
Damira (sincerely). How not?
Bela and Xana look questioningly at Damira.
Damira (excusing herself). Well, I mean… I mean that… what is the problem then, if not this?
Bela (sighing). Simply… He just told me I was nothing. Well, I mean… in the same sense – no!
Xana (sympathetically, Bele). Asshole!
Damira (sympathetically). Wow… For a guy to say something like that to a girl… As soon as the tongue turned.
Bela (sighing). Girls, I'm really really not a specialist. Well, where would I have learned all sorts of wisdom there, because I had the first Stasik… And last.
Xana (sympathetically, Bele). Oh, come on… The last one. To put an end to all the men because of one sheep.
Damira (sympathetically, Bele). Forget it and don't worry! Experience is a gainful thing. I'm not a pro myself, but in a couple of years, while I was wiping corners with my Nikita in dorms, I learned something. We studied together!
Xana (with support, Damire). Here! This is what it is when we are together. And when one has experience, and the second has just embarked on this path… It is clear that this does not end well. But opening your mouth about it is also not the case. (White.) By the way, how much with this, his… What's his name?
Bela (sadly, with nostalgia). Stasikom …
Xana (busily, Bele). Oh! Exactly. With Stasik with his own. Not for long, surely you met? When I just managed to fall in love. I can see it in his eyes, the resentment against him is not in an empty place. You love…, like.
Bela looks down guiltily.
Bela (sadly, with nostalgia). Today was exactly a month.
Xana (busily, Bele). Tyuyuyuy! And that's why you're so upset? Forget it altogether. Too much for me, an episode. Another name is such a stupid one. Stasik. Is that what someone else calls someone?
Damira (carefully, Xane). In general, my dad is Stas. Stanislav Viktorovich.
Xana (guiltily covering her mouth with her palm). Oh, shit! Girls, I'm sorry. Sometimes I don't say much. I'm sorry, a drunk fool. By the way… Let's take the second one. And then I feel like I'm already a fool, but not much of a fool. And I would like to be stronger. I just adore myself as a fool!
Xana pours everyone a little more.
They raise the stacks.
Xana (busily). To eat and drink, to want and could! Let's go…
they drink on the second. Have a snack.
Xana (with interest, Damire). And what about Nikita, with the dorm… Are you together now, or what?
Damira (a little sadly). Broke up… A week ago.
Xana (with interest, Damire). What broke up?
Damira (evasively). Well… So it happened.
Xana (with cunning). Eeeee, the Lady seems to be more aggressive than the Squirrel. (Damire.) Am I right, huh?
Damira (a little indignantly). How do you know everything?
Xana (with cunning). I can see it in your eyes. I know that look. She's no better. Well? Who is he? Some Ahmad? Or Rinat? Owner of a medium-sized business. 30-40 years old, lonely, but does not rush to the embrasure? Cautious?
Damira (a little scared, Xane). What are you? Clairvoyant?
Xana (with cunning). Straight! An ordinary bitch.
Bela (with interest, Damire). Did you guess everything?
Damira (carefully, Bele). Partly. His name is a simple Russian name, Roman. But his business is connected, oddly enough, with the cuisine of not our nationality. He has a chain of Caucasian restaurants.
Bela (surprised). Baaaaa…
Xana (approvingly). Well, there! The normal option. Well done! So? Well? What's there? How's it going?
Damira (sighing and waving away). Let's have another one, otherwise it's not so easy to tell.
Damira takes the initiative, pours a refill.
Bela looks questioningly at her new friends.
Xana (approvingly, Bele). It's fine!
They lift, clink glasses, drink, exhale.
Damira (kosovato, but cheerfully). In short!
Xana and Bela lean on the table. With an oblique eye, they listen to Damira.
Damira (kosovato, in her own way). Nikita – he's a normal guy, but zanuuuuda, kapets! The first year I actually somehow tolerated him. They quarreled constantly, then reconciled. In the second year of such an unstable and emotional relationship, I already somehow have this whole thing …
Xana (with understanding). I understand.
Bela (surprised, Damire). Damira, wait. And …
Damira (kosovato, White). What?
Bela (surprised, Damire). So, after all, on the contrary, everything should kind of be?
Damira (kosovato, Bele). What do you mean?
Bela (surprised, Damire). Well…, swearing is reconciliation. Emotions. Passion! After all, it's great when it's like on a volcano? Everyone dreams about the same thing. Or....
Bela turns a cautious look at Xana.
Bela (carefully, Xane). Or not all of them?
Damira grins.
Xana (with knowledge of the matter, Bele, slurping loudly). For the time being. And you get tired of routine relationships, and the "volcanic drive" is not always a joy. Measure and tact are important here. Volcanoes like this sometimes get into a loop, if you didn't know!
Bela (carefully, to the girls). Yeah?
Damira (kosovato, girls). Yes, I was just the opposite, I was ready to put my own in a loop. I got it specifically. I got it, I got it. Well…
Bela (cautiously, with fright, Damire). What are you? His… (Shows a strangulation gesture on himself.) Ahem?
Damira (calmly, Bele). Why bring it to this? I just packed my things and look for fistulas. Moreover, at that time I was already in full communication with Roman.
Xana (ambiguous).
Damira (enthusiastically, Xane). Yes! And he, by the way, actively showed me signs of attention!
Bela (cautiously, looking at the girls with uncertainty). And…, I'm sorry…, actively, how is it?
Xana (pityingly, Bele). Squirrel …, you're still very, very green …
Bela guiltily looks away.
Damira (in her own way, Bela). Come on, it's okay. What's the big deal? If you don't know, we'll teach you. Well, how does a man show signs of attention? He often writes, tries to joke. He's interested in your affairs. He offers to give you a ride if it turns out in the conversation that you are going somewhere. He gives flowers, calls to the cinema. He offers to sit in a cafe.
Xana (interrupts, affirmatively, knowledgeably, Bele). But the most important thing is the look!
Damira (to Xane, enthusiastically). Here! That's the whole problem and there is!
Xana (to Damire, with interest). What? Not lit?
Damira (to Xane, enthusiastically). You know, for some reason, not really. The guys took care of me, after all. Well, while I'm with Nikita. (To the girls.) No, don't think about it, I didn't cheat on him.
Xana frowns, looks doubtfully at Damira.
Damira (to Xane, in response to a biased look). Well, almost!
Bela (disapprovingly). Heh…
Xana nods approvingly to Damira.
Xana (Bele, with Damira's support). A little bit – does not count! And in general, by the way, for the future. Without this little bit, no normal relationship can exist at all. Who is this girl who doesn't twirl her tail? Why the hell was this tail then given to us by nature?
Bela (with disapproving surprise). Don't understand?
Xana (calmly, calmly). Squirrel, you understand! We have to inspire men. Encourage them to do great things. I hope you agree with this?
Bela (cautiously). Well… probably.
Xana (calmly, calmly). Not probably, but definitely! Any girl who knows her worth knows how to twist her tail. Moreover, professionally. This does not mean at all that you need to become windy. There, on occasion, it is, of course, not harmful to something somewhere. But in everyday life, it's nothing more than flirting!
Bela (not understanding). What for?
Xana (Bela, not so calm anymore). Yes, so as not to wither away with your faithful. Well, imagine that. As you can see, the relationship is perfect. You, him, the kids. Marriage for life, love to the grave, mutual understanding. So?
Bela (agreeing). So!
Damira (mocking Bela). Fool! (Coming to his senses, Bele.) Oh, I'm sorry, please. It escaped.
Bela looks at the girls with incomprehension.
Bela (with interest). I don't seem to understand anything. Are you trying to say that it doesn't happen that way?
Xana (Bele). Sometimes, a Squirrel. In fairy tales that were read to you as a child. And in real life, any prince eventually turns into an oppressive psychological, or even physical, ballast. Yes, besides, he also pulls you into this routine. So the prince and the princess in each family go down in history. And they are replaced by a boring husband, and a grumpy, eternally dissatisfied wife.
Damira (with support, Xane). Here!
