Марк Твен
Life on the Mississippi
Chapter 24
My Incognito is Exploded
AFTER a close study of the face of the pilot on watch, I was satisfied that I had never seen him before; so I went up there. The pilot inspected me; I re-inspected the pilot. These customary preliminaries over, I sat down on the high bench, and he faced about and went on with his work. Every detail of the pilot-house was familiar to me, with one exception, – a large-mouthed tube under the breast-board. I puzzled over that thing a considerable time; then gave up and asked what it was for.
‘To hear the engine-bells through.’
It was another good contrivance which ought to have been invented half a century sooner. So I was thinking, when the pilot asked —
‘Do you know what this rope is for?’
I managed to get around this question, without committing myself.
‘Is this the first time you were ever in a pilot-house?’
I crept under that one.
‘Where are you from?’
‘New England.’
‘First time you have ever been West?’
I climbed over this one.
‘If you take an interest in such things, I can tell you what all these things are for.’
I said I should like it.
‘This,’ putting his hand on a backing-bell rope, ‘is to sound the fire-alarm; this,’ putting his hand on a go-ahead bell, ‘is to call the texas-tender; this one,’ indicating the whistle-lever, ‘is to call the captain’ – and so he went on, touching one object after another, and reeling off his tranquil spool of lies.
I had never felt so like a passenger before. I thanked him, with emotion, for each new fact, and wrote it down in my note-book. The pilot warmed to his opportunity, and proceeded to load me up in the good old-fashioned way. At times I was afraid he was going to rupture his invention; but it always stood the strain, and he pulled through all right. He drifted, by easy stages, into revealments of the river’s marvelous eccentricities of one sort and another, and backed them up with some pretty gigantic illustrations. For instance —
‘Do you see that little boulder sticking out of the water yonder? well, when I first came on the river, that was a solid ridge of rock, over sixty feet high and two miles long. All washed away but that.’ [This with a sigh.]
I had a mighty impulse to destroy him, but it seemed to me that killing, in any ordinary way, would be too good for him.
Once, when an odd-looking craft, with a vast coal-scuttle slanting aloft on the end of a beam, was steaming by in the distance, he indifferently drew attention to it, as one might to an object grown wearisome through familiarity, and observed that it was an ‘alligator boat.’
‘An alligator boat? What’s it for?’
‘To dredge out alligators with.’
‘Are they so thick as to be troublesome?’
‘Well, not now, because the Government keeps them down. But they used to be. Not everywhere; but in favorite places, here and there, where the river is wide and shoal-like Plum Point, and Stack Island, and so on – places they call alligator beds.’
‘Did they actually impede navigation?’
‘Years ago, yes, in very low water; there was hardly a trip, then, that we didn’t get aground on alligators.’
It seemed to me that I should certainly have to get out my tomahawk. However, I restrained myself and said —
‘It must have been dreadful.’
‘Yes, it was one of the main difficulties about piloting. It was so hard to tell anything about the water; the damned things shift around so – never lie still five minutes at a time. You can tell a wind-reef, straight off, by the look of it; you can tell a break; you can tell a sand-reef – that’s all easy; but an alligator reef doesn’t show up, worth anything. Nine times in ten you can’t tell where the water is; and when you do see where it is, like as not it ain’t there when you get there, the devils have swapped around so, meantime. Of course there were some few pilots that could judge of alligator water nearly as well as they could of any other kind, but they had to have natural talent for it; it wasn’t a thing a body could learn, you had to be born with it. Let me see: there was Ben Thornburg, and Beck Jolly, and Squire Bell, and Horace Bixby, and Major Downing, and John Stevenson, and Billy Gordon, and Jim Brady, and George Ealer, and Billy Youngblood – all A-1 alligator pilots. They could tell alligator water as far as another Christian could tell whiskey. Read it? – Ah, couldn’t they, though! I only wish I had as many dollars as they could read alligator water a mile and a half off. Yes, and it paid them to do it, too. A good alligator pilot could always get fifteen hundred dollars a month. Nights, other people had to lay up for alligators, but those fellows never laid up for alligators; they never laid up for anything but fog. They could smell the best alligator water it was said; I don’t know whether it was so or not, and I think a body’s got his hands full enough if he sticks to just what he knows himself, without going around backing up other people’s say-so’s, though there’s a plenty that ain’t backward about doing it, as long as they can roust out something wonderful to tell. Which is not the style of Robert Styles, by as much as three fathom – maybe quarter-less.’
[My! Was this Rob Styles? – This mustached and stately figure? – A slim enough cub, in my time. How he has improved in comeliness in five-and-twenty year and in the noble art of inflating his facts.] After these musings, I said aloud —
‘I should think that dredging out the alligators wouldn’t have done much good, because they could come back again right away.’
‘If you had had as much experience of alligators as I have, you wouldn’t talk like that. You dredge an alligator once and he’s convinced. It’s the last you hear of him. He wouldn’t come back for pie. If there’s one thing that an alligator is more down on than another, it’s being dredged. Besides, they were not simply shoved out of the way; the most of the scoopful were scooped aboard; they emptied them into the hold; and when they had got a trip, they took them to Orleans to the Government works.’
‘What for?’
‘Why, to make soldier-shoes out of their hides. All the Government shoes are made of alligator hide. It makes the best shoes in the world. They last five years, and they won’t absorb water. The alligator fishery is a Government monopoly. All the alligators are Government property – just like the live-oaks. You cut down a live-oak, and Government fines you fifty dollars; you kill an alligator, and up you go for misprision of treason – lucky duck if they don’t hang you, too. And they will, if you’re a Democrat. The buzzard is the sacred bird of the South, and you can’t touch him; the alligator is the sacred bird of the Government, and you’ve got to let him alone.’
‘Do you ever get aground on the alligators now?’
‘Oh, no! it hasn’t happened for years.’
‘Well, then, why do they still keep the alligator boats in service?’
‘Just for police duty – nothing more. They merely go up and down now and then. The present generation of alligators know them as easy as a burglar knows a roundsman; when they see one coming, they break camp and go for the woods.’
After rounding-out and finishing-up and polishing-off the alligator business, he dropped easily and comfortably into the historical vein, and told of some tremendous feats of half-a-dozen old-time steamboats of his acquaintance, dwelling at special length upon a certain extraordinary performance of his chief favorite among this distinguished fleet – and then adding —
‘That boat was the “Cyclone,” – last trip she ever made – she sunk, that very trip – captain was Tom Ballou, the most immortal liar that ever I struck. He couldn’t ever seem to tell the truth, in any kind of weather. Why, he would make you fairly shudder. He was the most scandalous liar! I left him, finally; I couldn’t stand it. The proverb says, “like master, like man;” and if you stay with that kind of a man, you’ll come under suspicion by and by, just as sure as you live. He paid first-class wages; but said I, What’s wages when your reputation’s in danger? So I let the wages go, and froze to my reputation. And I’ve never regretted it. Reputation’s worth everything, ain’t it? That’s the way I look at it. He had more selfish organs than any seven men in the world – all packed in the stern-sheets of his skull, of course, where they belonged. They weighed down the back of his head so that it made his nose tilt up in the air. People thought it was vanity, but it wasn’t, it was malice. If you only saw his foot, you’d take him to be nineteen feet high, but he wasn’t; it was because his foot was out of drawing. He was intended to be nineteen feet high, no doubt, if his foot was made first, but he didn’t get there; he was only five feet ten. That’s what he was, and that’s what he is. You take the lies out of him, and he’ll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he’ll disappear. That “Cyclone” was a rattler to go, and the sweetest thing to steer that ever walked the waters. Set her amidships, in a big river, and just let her go; it was all you had to do. She would hold herself on a star all night, if you let her alone. You couldn’t ever feel her rudder. It wasn’t any more labor to steer her than it is to count the Republican vote in a South Carolina election. One morning, just at daybreak, the last trip she ever made, they took her rudder aboard to mend it; I didn’t know anything about it; I backed her out from the wood-yard and went a-weaving down the river all serene. When I had gone about twenty-three miles, and made four horribly crooked crossings – ’
‘Without any rudder?’
‘Yes – old Capt. Tom appeared on the roof and began to find fault with me for running such a dark night – ’
‘Such a dark night? – Why, you said – ’
‘Never mind what I said, – ‘twas as dark as Egypt now, though pretty soon the moon began to rise, and – ’
‘You mean the sun– because you started out just at break of – look here! Was this before you quitted the captain on account of his lying, or – ’
‘It was before – oh, a long time before. And as I was saying, he – ’
‘But was this the trip she sunk, or was – ’
‘Oh, no! – months afterward. And so the old man, he – ’
‘Then she made two last trips, because you said – ’
He stepped back from the wheel, swabbing away his perspiration, and said —
‘Here!’ (calling me by name), ‘you take her and lie a while – you’re handier at it than I am. Trying to play yourself for a stranger and an innocent! – why, I knew you before you had spoken seven words; and I made up my mind to find out what was your little game. It was to draw me out. Well, I let you, didn’t I? Now take the wheel and finish the watch; and next time play fair, and you won’t have to work your passage.’
Thus ended the fictitious-name business. And not six hours out from St. Louis! but I had gained a privilege, any way, for I had been itching to get my hands on the wheel, from the beginning. I seemed to have forgotten the river, but I hadn’t forgotten how to steer a steamboat, nor how to enjoy it, either.
Chapter 25
From Cairo to Hickman
THE scenery, from St. Louis to Cairo – two hundred miles – is varied and beautiful. The hills were clothed in the fresh foliage of spring now, and were a gracious and worthy setting for the broad river flowing between. Our trip began auspiciously, with a perfect day, as to breeze and sunshine, and our boat threw the miles out behind her with satisfactory despatch.
We found a railway intruding at Chester, Illinois; Chester has also a penitentiary now, and is otherwise marching on. At Grand Tower, too, there was a railway; and another at Cape Girardeau. The former town gets its name from a huge, squat pillar of rock, which stands up out of the water on the Missouri side of the river – a piece of nature’s fanciful handiwork – and is one of the most picturesque features of the scenery of that region. For nearer or remoter neighbors, the Tower has the Devil’s Bake Oven – so called, perhaps, because it does not powerfully resemble anybody else’s bake oven; and the Devil’s Tea Table – this latter a great smooth-surfaced mass of rock, with diminishing wine-glass stem, perched some fifty or sixty feet above the river, beside a beflowered and garlanded precipice, and sufficiently like a tea-table to answer for anybody, Devil or Christian. Away down the river we have the Devil’s Elbow and the Devil’s Race-course, and lots of other property of his which I cannot now call to mind.
The Town of Grand Tower was evidently a busier place than it had been in old times, but it seemed to need some repairs here and there, and a new coat of whitewash all over. Still, it was pleasant to me to see the old coat once more. ‘Uncle’ Mumford, our second officer, said the place had been suffering from high water, and consequently was not looking its best now. But he said it was not strange that it didn’t waste white-wash on itself, for more lime was made there, and of a better quality, than anywhere in the West; and added – ‘On a dairy farm you never can get any milk for your coffee, nor any sugar for it on a sugar plantation; and it is against sense to go to a lime town to hunt for white-wash.’ In my own experience I knew the first two items to be true; and also that people who sell candy don’t care for candy; therefore there was plausibility in Uncle Mumford’s final observation that ‘people who make lime run more to religion than whitewash.’ Uncle Mumford said, further, that Grand Tower was a great coaling center and a prospering place.
Cape Girardeau is situated on a hillside, and makes a handsome appearance. There is a great Jesuit school for boys at the foot of the town by the river. Uncle Mumford said it had as high a reputation for thoroughness as any similar institution in Missouri! There was another college higher up on an airy summit – a bright new edifice, picturesquely and peculiarly towered and pinnacled – a sort of gigantic casters, with the cruets all complete. Uncle Mumford said that Cape Girardeau was the Athens of Missouri, and contained several colleges besides those already mentioned; and all of them on a religious basis of one kind or another. He directed my attention to what he called the ‘strong and pervasive religious look of the town,’ but I could not see that it looked more religious than the other hill towns with the same slope and built of the same kind of bricks. Partialities often make people see more than really exists.
Uncle Mumford has been thirty years a mate on the river. He is a man of practical sense and a level head; has observed; has had much experience of one sort and another; has opinions; has, also, just a perceptible dash of poetry in his composition, an easy gift of speech, a thick growl in his voice, and an oath or two where he can get at them when the exigencies of his office require a spiritual lift. He is a mate of the blessed old-time kind; and goes gravely damning around, when there is work to the fore, in a way to mellow the ex-steamboatman’s heart with sweet soft longings for the vanished days that shall come no more. ‘Git up there you! Going to be all day? Why d’n’t you say you was petrified in your hind legs, before you shipped!’
He is a steady man with his crew; kind and just, but firm; so they like him, and stay with him. He is still in the slouchy garb of the old generation of mates; but next trip the Anchor Line will have him in uniform – a natty blue naval uniform, with brass buttons, along with all the officers of the line – and then he will be a totally different style of scenery from what he is now.
Uniforms on the Mississippi! It beats all the other changes put together, for surprise. Still, there is another surprise – that it was not made fifty years ago. It is so manifestly sensible, that it might have been thought of earlier, one would suppose. During fifty years, out there, the innocent passenger in need of help and information, has been mistaking the mate for the cook, and the captain for the barber – and being roughly entertained for it, too. But his troubles are ended now. And the greatly improved aspect of the boat’s staff is another advantage achieved by the dress-reform period.
Steered down the bend below Cape Girardeau. They used to call it ‘Steersman’s Bend;’ plain sailing and plenty of water in it, always; about the only place in the Upper River that a new cub was allowed to take a boat through, in low water.
Thebes, at the head of the Grand Chain, and Commerce at the foot of it, were towns easily rememberable, as they had not undergone conspicuous alteration. Nor the Chain, either – in the nature of things; for it is a chain of sunken rocks admirably arranged to capture and kill steamboats on bad nights. A good many steamboat corpses lie buried there, out of sight; among the rest my first friend the ‘Paul Jones;’ she knocked her bottom out, and went down like a pot, so the historian told me – Uncle Mumford. He said she had a gray mare aboard, and a preacher. To me, this sufficiently accounted for the disaster; as it did, of course, to Mumford, who added —
‘But there are many ignorant people who would scoff at such a matter, and call it superstition. But you will always notice that they are people who have never traveled with a gray mare and a preacher. I went down the river once in such company. We grounded at Bloody Island; we grounded at Hanging Dog; we grounded just below this same Commerce; we jolted Beaver Dam Rock; we hit one of the worst breaks in the ‘Graveyard’ behind Goose Island; we had a roustabout killed in a fight; we burnt a boiler; broke a shaft; collapsed a flue; and went into Cairo with nine feet of water in the hold – may have been more, may have been less. I remember it as if it were yesterday. The men lost their heads with terror. They painted the mare blue, in sight of town, and threw the preacher overboard, or we should not have arrived at all. The preacher was fished out and saved. He acknowledged, himself, that he had been to blame. I remember it all, as if it were yesterday.’
That this combination – of preacher and gray mare – should breed calamity, seems strange, and at first glance unbelievable; but the fact is fortified by so much unassailable proof that to doubt is to dishonor reason. I myself remember a case where a captain was warned by numerous friends against taking a gray mare and a preacher with him, but persisted in his purpose in spite of all that could be said; and the same day – it may have been the next, and some say it was, though I think it was the same day – he got drunk and fell down the hatchway, and was borne to his home a corpse. This is literally true.
No vestige of Hat Island is left now; every shred of it is washed away. I do not even remember what part of the river it used to be in, except that it was between St. Louis and Cairo somewhere. It was a bad region – all around and about Hat Island, in early days. A farmer who lived on the Illinois shore there, said that twenty-nine steamboats had left their bones strung along within sight from his house. Between St. Louis and Cairo the steamboat wrecks average one to the mile; – two hundred wrecks, altogether.
I could recognize big changes from Commerce down. Beaver Dam Rock was out in the middle of the river now, and throwing a prodigious ‘break;’ it used to be close to the shore, and boats went down outside of it. A big island that used to be away out in mid-river, has retired to the Missouri shore, and boats do not go near it any more. The island called Jacket Pattern is whittled down to a wedge now, and is booked for early destruction. Goose Island is all gone but a little dab the size of a steamboat. The perilous ‘Graveyard,’ among whose numberless wrecks we used to pick our way so slowly and gingerly, is far away from the channel now, and a terror to nobody. One of the islands formerly called the Two Sisters is gone entirely; the other, which used to lie close to the Illinois shore, is now on the Missouri side, a mile away; it is joined solidly to the shore, and it takes a sharp eye to see where the seam is – but it is Illinois ground yet, and the people who live on it have to ferry themselves over and work the Illinois roads and pay Illinois taxes: singular state of things!
Near the mouth of the river several islands were missing – washed away. Cairo was still there – easily visible across the long, flat point upon whose further verge it stands; but we had to steam a long way around to get to it. Night fell as we were going out of the ‘Upper River’ and meeting the floods of the Ohio. We dashed along without anxiety; for the hidden rock which used to lie right in the way has moved up stream a long distance out of the channel; or rather, about one county has gone into the river from the Missouri point, and the Cairo point has ‘made down’ and added to its long tongue of territory correspondingly. The Mississippi is a just and equitable river; it never tumbles one man’s farm overboard without building a new farm just like it for that man’s neighbor. This keeps down hard feelings.
Going into Cairo, we came near killing a steamboat which paid no attention to our whistle and then tried to cross our bows. By doing some strong backing, we saved him; which was a great loss, for he would have made good literature.
Cairo is a brisk town now; and is substantially built, and has a city look about it which is in noticeable contrast to its former estate, as per Mr. Dickens’s portrait of it. However, it was already building with bricks when I had seen it last – which was when Colonel (now General) Grant was drilling his first command there. Uncle Mumford says the libraries and Sunday-schools have done a good work in Cairo, as well as the brick masons. Cairo has a heavy railroad and river trade, and her situation at the junction of the two great rivers is so advantageous that she cannot well help prospering.
When I turned out, in the morning, we had passed Columbus, Kentucky, and were approaching Hickman, a pretty town, perched on a handsome hill. Hickman is in a rich tobacco region, and formerly enjoyed a great and lucrative trade in that staple, collecting it there in her warehouses from a large area of country and shipping it by boat; but Uncle Mumford says she built a railway to facilitate this commerce a little more, and he thinks it facilitated it the wrong way – took the bulk of the trade out of her hands by ‘collaring it along the line without gathering it at her doors.’
