Джером К. Джером
Tommy and Co.
“Thought you said you lived here?” reminded him the raw-boned lady.
“I meant that he lived here,” replied poor Johnny still more meekly. “He has the second floor, you know.”
“I know,” replied the raw-boned lady. “Not in just at present.”
“Not in?”
“Went out at three o’clock.”
“I’ll go up to his room and wait for him,” said Johnny.
“No, you won’t,” said the raw-boned lady.
For an instant it occurred to Johnny to make a dash for it, but the raw-boned lady looked both formidable and determined. There would be a big disturbance – perhaps the police called in. Johnny had often wanted to see his name in print: in connection with this affair he somehow felt he didn’t.
“Do let me in,” Johnny pleaded; “I have nowhere else to go.”
“You have a walk and cool yourself,” suggested the raw-boned lady. “Don’t expect he will be long.”
“But, you see – ”
The raw-boned lady slammed the door.
Outside a restaurant in Wellington Street, from which proceeded savoury odours, Johnny paused and tried to think.
“What the devil did I do with that umbrella? I had it – no, I didn’t. Must have dropped it, I suppose, when that silly ass tried to stop me. By Jove! I am having luck!”
Outside another restaurant in the Strand Johnny paused again. “How am I to live till Sunday night? Where am I to sleep? If I telegraph home – damn it! how can I telegraph? I haven’t got a penny. This is funny,” said Johnny, unconsciously speaking aloud; “upon my word, this is funny! Oh! you go to – .”
Johnny hurled this last at the head of an overgrown errand-boy whose intention had been to offer sympathy.
“Well, I never!” commented a passing flower-girl. “Calls ’erself a lidy, I suppose.”
“Nowadays,” observed the stud and button merchant at the corner of Exeter Street, “they make ’em out of anything.”
Drawn by a notion that was forming in his mind, Johnny turned his steps up Bedford Street. “Why not?” mused Johnny. “Nobody else seems to have a suspicion. Why should they? I’ll never hear the last of it if they find me out. But why should they find me out? Well, something’s got to be done.”
Johnny walked on quickly. At the door of the Autolycus Club he was undecided for a moment, then took his courage in both hands and plunged through the swing doors.
“Is Mr. Herring – Mr. Jack Herring – here?”
“Find him in the smoking-room, Mr. Bulstrode,” answered old Goslin, who was reading the evening paper.
“Oh, would you mind asking him to step out a moment?”
Old Goslin looked up, took off his spectacles, rubbed them, put them on again.
“Please say Miss Bulstrode – Mr. Bulstrode’s sister.”
Old Goslin found Jack Herring the centre of an earnest argument on Hamlet – was he really mad?
“A lady to see you, Mr. Herring,” announced old Goslin.
“A what?”
“Miss Bulstrode – Mr. Bulstrode’s sister. She’s waiting in the hall.”
“Never knew he had a sister,” said Jack Herring, rising.
“Wait a minute,” said Harry Bennett. “Shut that door. Don’t go.” This to old Goslin, who closed the door and returned. “Lady in a heliotrope dress with a lace collar, three flounces on the skirt?”
“That’s right, Mr. Bennett,” agreed old Goslin.
“It’s the Babe himself!” asserted Harry Bennett.
The question of Hamlet’s madness was forgotten.
“Was in at Stinchcombe’s this morning,” explained Harry Bennett; “saw the clothes on the counter addressed to him. That’s the identical frock. This is just a ‘try on’ – thinks he’s going to have a lark with us.”
The Autolycus Club looked round at itself.
“I can see verra promising possibilities in this, provided the thing is properly managed,” said the Wee Laddie, after a pause.
“So can I,” agreed Jack Herring. “Keep where you are, all of you. ’Twould be a pity to fool it.”
The Autolycus Club waited. Jack Herring re-entered the room.
“One of the saddest stories I have ever heard in all my life,” explained Jack Herring in a whisper. “Poor girl left Derbyshire this morning to come and see her brother; found him out – hasn’t been seen at his lodgings since three o’clock; fears something may have happened to him. Landlady gone to Romford to see her mother; strange woman in charge, won’t let her in to wait for him.”
“How sad it is when trouble overtakes the innocent and helpless!” murmured Somerville the Briefless.
“That’s not the worst of it,” continued Jack. “The dear girl has been robbed of everything she possesses, even of her umbrella, and hasn’t got a sou; hasn’t had any dinner, and doesn’t know where to sleep.”
“Sounds a bit elaborate,” thought Porson.
“I think I can understand it,” said the Briefless one. “What has happened is this. He’s dressed up thinking to have a bit of fun with us, and has come out, forgetting to put any money or his latchkey in his pocket. His landlady may have gone to Romford or may not. In any case, he would have to knock at the door and enter into explanations. What does he suggest – the loan of a sovereign?”
“The loan of two,” replied Jack Herring.
“To buy himself a suit of clothes. Don’t you do it, Jack. Providence has imposed this upon us. Our duty is to show him the folly of indulging in senseless escapades.”
“I think we might give him a dinner,” thought the stout and sympathetic Porson.
“What I propose to do,” grinned Jack, “is to take him round to Mrs. Postwhistle’s. She’s under a sort of obligation to me. It was I who got her the post office. We’ll leave him there for a night, with instructions to Mrs. P. to keep a motherly eye on him. To-morrow he shall have his ‘bit of fun,’ and I guess he’ll be the first to get tired of the joke.”
It looked a promising plot. Seven members of the Autolycus Club gallantly undertook to accompany “Miss Bulstrode” to her lodgings. Jack Herring excited jealousy by securing the privilege of carrying her reticule. “Miss Bulstrode” was given to understand that anything any of the seven could do for her, each and every would be delighted to do, if only for the sake of her brother, one of the dearest boys that ever breathed – a bit of an ass, though that, of course, he could not help. “Miss Bulstrode” was not as grateful as perhaps she should have been. Her idea still was that if one of them would lend her a couple of sovereigns, the rest need not worry themselves further. This, purely in her own interests, they declined to do. She had suffered one extensive robbery that day already, as Jack reminded her. London was a city of danger to the young and inexperienced. Far better that they should watch over her and provide for her simple wants. Painful as it was to refuse a lady, a beloved companion’s sister’s welfare was yet dearer to them. “Miss Bulstrode’s” only desire was not to waste their time. Jack Herring’s opinion was that there existed no true Englishman who would grudge time spent upon succouring a beautiful maiden in distress.
Arrived at the little grocer’s shop in Rolls Court, Jack Herring drew Mrs. Postwhistle aside.
“She’s the sister of a very dear friend of ours,” explained Jack Herring.
“A fine-looking girl,” commented Mrs. Postwhistle.
“I shall be round again in the morning. Don’t let her out of your sight, and, above all, don’t lend her any money,” directed Jack Herring.
“I understand,” replied Mrs. Postwhistle.
“Miss Bulstrode” having despatched an excellent supper of cold mutton and bottled beer, leant back in her chair and crossed her legs.
“I have often wondered,” remarked Miss Bulstrode, her eyes fixed upon the ceiling, “what a cigarette would taste like.”
“Taste nasty, I should say, the first time,” thought Mrs. Postwhistle, who was knitting.
“Some girls, so I have heard,” remarked Miss Bulstrode, “smoke cigarettes.”
“Not nice girls,” thought Mrs. Postwhistle.
“One of the nicest girls I ever knew,” remarked Miss Bulstrode, “always smoked a cigarette after supper. Said it soothed her nerves.”
“Wouldn’t ’ave thought so if I’d ’ad charge of ’er,” said Mrs. Postwhistle.
“I think,” said Miss Bulstrode, who seemed restless, “I think I shall go for a little walk before turning in.”
“Perhaps it would do us good,” agreed Mrs. Postwhistle, laying down her knitting.
“Don’t you trouble to come,” urged the thoughtful Miss Bulstrode. “You look tired.”
“Not at all,” replied Mrs. Postwhistle. “Feel I should like it.”
In some respects Mrs. Postwhistle proved an admirable companion. She asked no questions, and only spoke when spoken to, which, during that walk, was not often. At the end of half an hour, Miss Bulstrode pleaded a headache and thought she would return home and go to bed. Mrs. Postwhistle thought it a reasonable idea.
“Well, it’s better than tramping the streets,” muttered Johnny, as the bedroom door was closed behind him, “and that’s all one can say for it. Must get hold of a smoke to-morrow, if I have to rob the till. What’s that?” Johnny stole across on, tiptoe. “Confound it!” said Johnny, “if she hasn’t locked the door!”
Johnny sat down upon the bed and took stock of his position. “It doesn’t seem to me,” thought Johnny, “that I’m ever going to get out of this mess.” Johnny, still muttering, unfastened his stays. “Thank God, that’s off!” ejaculated Johnny piously, as he watched his form slowly expanding. “Suppose I’ll be used to them before I’ve finished with them.”
Johnny had a night of dreams.
For the whole of next day, which was Friday, Johnny remained “Miss Bulstrode,” hoping against hope to find an opportunity to escape from his predicament without confession. The entire Autolycus Club appeared to have fallen in love with him.
“Thought I was a bit of a fool myself,” mused Johnny, “where a petticoat was concerned. Don’t believe these blithering idiots have ever seen a girl before.”
They came in ones, they came in little parties, and tendered him devotion. Even Mrs. Postwhistle, accustomed to regard human phenomena without comment, remarked upon it.
“When you are all tired of it,” said Mrs. Postwhistle to Jack Herring, “let me know.”
“The moment we find her brother,” explained Jack Herring, “of course we shall take her to him.”
“Nothing like looking in the right place for a thing when you’ve finished looking in the others,” observed Mrs. Postwhistle.
“What do you mean?” demanded Jack.
“Just what I say,” answered Mrs. Postwhistle.
Jack Herring looked at Mrs. Postwhistle. But Mrs. Postwhistle’s face was not of the expressive order.
“Post office still going strong?” asked Jack Herring.
“The post office ’as been a great ’elp to me,” admitted Mrs. Postwhistle; “and I’m not forgetting that I owe it to you.”
“Don’t mention it,” murmured Jack Herring.
They brought her presents – nothing very expensive, more as tokens of regard: dainty packets of sweets, nosegays of simple flowers, bottles of scent. To Somerville “Miss Bulstrode” hinted that if he really did desire to please her, and wasn’t merely talking through his hat – Miss Bulstrode apologised for the slang, which, she feared, she must have picked up from her brother – he might give her a box of Messani’s cigarettes, size No. 2. The suggestion pained him. Somerville the Briefless was perhaps old-fashioned. Miss Bulstrode cut him short by agreeing that he was, and seemed disinclined for further conversation.
They took her to Madame Tussaud’s. They took her up the Monument. They took her to the Tower of London. In the evening they took her to the Polytechnic to see Pepper’s Ghost. They made a merry party wherever they went.
“Seem to be enjoying themselves!” remarked other sightseers, surprised and envious.
“Girl seems to be a bit out of it,” remarked others, more observant.
“Sulky-looking bit o’ goods, I call her,” remarked some of the ladies.
The fortitude with which Miss Bulstrode bore the mysterious disappearance of her brother excited admiration.
“Hadn’t we better telegraph to your people in Derbyshire?” suggested Jack Herring.
“Don’t do it,” vehemently protested the thoughtful Miss Bulstrode; “it might alarm them. The best plan is for you to lend me a couple of sovereigns and let me return home quietly.”
“You might be robbed again,” feared Jack Herring. “I’ll go down with you.”
“Perhaps he’ll turn up to-morrow,” thought Miss Bulstrode. “Expect he’s gone on a visit.”
“He ought not to have done it,” thought Jack Herring, “knowing you were coming.”
“Oh! he’s like that,” explained Miss Bulstrode.
“If I had a young and beautiful sister – ” said Jack Herring.
“Oh! let’s talk of something else,” suggested Miss Bulstrode. “You make me tired.”
With Jack Herring, in particular, Johnny was beginning to lose patience. That “Miss Bulstrode’s” charms had evidently struck Jack Herring all of a heap, as the saying is, had in the beginning amused Master Johnny. Indeed – as in the seclusion of his bedchamber over the little grocer’s shop he told himself with bitter self-reproach – he had undoubtedly encouraged the man. From admiration Jack had rapidly passed to infatuation, from infatuation to apparent imbecility. Had Johnny’s mind been less intent upon his own troubles, he might have been suspicious. As it was, and after all that had happened, nothing now could astonish Johnny. “Thank Heaven,” murmured Johnny, as he blew out the light, “this Mrs. Postwhistle appears to be a reliable woman.”
Now, about the same time that Johnny’s head was falling thus upon his pillow, the Autolycus Club sat discussing plans for their next day’s entertainment.
“I think,” said Jack Herring, “the Crystal Palace in the morning when it’s nice and quiet.”
“To be followed by Greenwich Hospital in the afternoon,” suggested Somerville.
“Winding up with the Moore and Burgess Minstrels in the evening,” thought Porson.
“Hardly the place for the young person,” feared Jack Herring. “Some of the jokes – ”
“Mr. Brandram gives a reading of Julius Cæsar at St. George’s Hall,” the Wee Laddie informed them for their guidance.
“Hallo!” said Alexander the Poet, entering at the moment. “What are you all talking about?”
“We were discussing where to take Miss Bulstrode to-morrow evening,” informed him Jack Herring.
“Miss Bulstrode,” repeated the Poet in a tone of some surprise. “Do you mean Johnny Bulstrode’s sister?”
“That’s the lady,” answered Jack. “But how do you come to know about her? Thought you were in Yorkshire.”
“Came up yesterday,” explained the Poet. “Travelled up with her.”
“Travelled up with her?”
“From Matlock Bath. What’s the matter with you all?” demanded the Poet. “You all of you look – ”
“Sit down,” said the Briefless one to the Poet. “Let’s talk this matter over quietly.”
Alexander the Poet, mystified, sat down.
“You say you travelled up to London yesterday with Miss Bulstrode. You are sure it was Miss Bulstrode?”
“Sure!” retorted the Poet. “Why, I’ve known her ever since she was a baby.”
“About what time did you reach London?”
“Three-thirty.”
“And what became of her? Where did she say she was going?”
“I never asked her. The last I saw of her she was getting into a cab. I had an appointment myself, and was – I say, what’s the matter with Herring?”
Herring had risen and was walking about with his head between his hands.
“Never mind him. Miss Bulstrode is a lady of about – how old?”
“Eighteen – no, nineteen last birthday.”
“A tall, handsome sort of girl?”
“Yes. I say, has anything happened to her?”
“Nothing has happened to her,” assured him Somerville. “She’s all right. Been having rather a good time, on the whole.”
The Poet was relieved to hear it.
“I asked her an hour ago,” said Jack Herring, who was still holding his head between his hands as if to make sure it was there, “if she thought she could ever learn to love me. Would you say that could be construed into an offer of marriage?”
The remainder of the Club was unanimously of opinion that, practically speaking, it was a proposal.
“I don’t see it,” argued Jack Herring. “It was merely in the nature of a remark.”
The Club was of opinion that such quibbling was unworthy of a gentleman.
It appeared to be a case for prompt action. Jack Herring sat down and then and there began a letter to Miss Bulstrode, care of Mrs. Postwhistle.
“But what I don’t understand – ” said Alexander the Poet.
“Oh! take him away somewhere and tell him, someone,” moaned Jack Herring. “How can I think with all this chatter going on?”
“But why did Bennett – ” whispered Porson.
“Where is Bennett?” demanded half a dozen fierce voices.
Harry Bennett had not been seen all day.
Jack’s letter was delivered to “Miss Bulstrode” the next morning at breakfast-time. Having perused it, Miss Bulstrode rose and requested of Mrs. Postwhistle the loan of half a crown.
“Mr. Herring’s particular instructions were,” explained Mrs. Postwhistle, “that, above all things, I was not to lend you any money.”
“When you have read that,” replied Miss Bulstrode, handing her the letter, “perhaps you will agree with me that Herring is – an ass.”
Mrs. Postwhistle read the letter and produced the half-crown.
“Better get a shave with part of it,” suggested Mrs. Postwhistle. “That is, if you are going to play the fool much longer.”
“Miss Bulstrode” opened his eyes. Mrs. Postwhistle went on with her breakfast.
“Don’t tell them,” said Johnny; “not just for a little while, at all events.”
“Nothing to do with me,” replied Mrs. Postwhistle.
Twenty minutes later, the real Miss Bulstrode, on a visit to her aunt in Kensington, was surprised at receiving, enclosed in an envelope, the following hastily scrawled note: —
“Want to speak to you at once —alone. Don’t yell when you see me. It’s all right. Can explain in two ticks. – Your loving brother, Johnny.”
It took longer than two ticks; but at last the Babe came to an end of it.
“When you have done laughing,” said the Babe.
“But you look so ridiculous,” said his sister.
“They didn’t think so,” retorted the Babe. “I took them in all right. Guess you’ve never had as much attention, all in one day.”
“Are you sure you took them in?” queried his sister.
“If you will come to the Club at eight o’clock this evening,” said the Babe, “I’ll prove it to you. Perhaps I’ll take you on to a theatre afterwards – if you’re good.”
The Babe himself walked into the Autolycus Club a few minutes before eight and encountered an atmosphere of restraint.
“Thought you were lost,” remarked Somerville coldly.
“Called away suddenly – very important business,” explained the Babe. “Awfully much obliged to all you fellows for all you have been doing for my sister. She’s just been telling me.”
“Don’t mention it,” said two or three.
“Awfully good of you, I’m sure,” persisted the Babe. “Don’t know what she would have done without you.”
A mere nothing, the Club assured him. The blushing modesty of the Autolycus Club at hearing of their own good deeds was touching. Left to themselves, they would have talked of quite other things. As a matter of fact, they tried to.
“Never heard her speak so enthusiastically of anyone as she does of you, Jack,” said the Babe, turning to Jack Herring.
“Of course, you know, dear boy,” explained Jack Herring, “anything I could do for a sister of yours – ”
“I know, dear boy,” replied the Babe; “I always felt it.”
“Say no more about it,” urged Jack Herring.
“She couldn’t quite make out that letter of yours this morning,” continued the Babe, ignoring Jack’s request. “She’s afraid you think her ungrateful.”
“It seemed to me, on reflection,” explained Jack Herring, “that on one or two little matters she may have misunderstood me. As I wrote her, there are days when I don’t seem altogether to quite know what I’m doing.”
“Rather awkward,” thought the Babe.
“It is,” agreed Jack Herring. “Yesterday was one of them.”
“She tells me you were most kind to her,” the Babe reassured him. “She thought at first it was a little uncivil, your refusing to lend her any money. But as I put it to her – ”
“It was silly of me,” interrupted Jack. “I see that now. I went round this morning meaning to make it all right. But she was gone, and Mrs. Postwhistle seemed to think I had better leave things as they were. I blame myself exceedingly.”
“My dear boy, don’t blame yourself for anything. You acted nobly,” the Babe told him. “She’s coming here to call for me this evening on purpose to thank you.”
“I’d rather not,” said Jack Herring.
“Nonsense,” said the Babe.
“You must excuse me,” insisted Jack Herring. “I don’t mean it rudely, but really I’d rather not see her.”
“But here she is,” said the Babe, taking at that moment the card from old Goslin’s hand. “She will think it so strange.”
“I’d really rather not,” repeated poor Jack.
“It seems discourteous,” suggested Somerville.
“You go,” suggested Jack.
“She doesn’t want to see me,” explained Somerville.
“Yes she does,” corrected him the Babe.
“I’d forgotten, she wants to see you both.”
“If I go,” said Jack, “I shall tell her the plain truth.”
“Do you know,” said Somerville, “I’m thinking that will be the shortest way.”
Miss Bulstrode was seated in the hall. Jack Herring and Somerville both thought her present quieter style of dress suited her much better.
“Here he is,” announced the Babe, in triumph. “Here’s Jack Herring and here’s Somerville. Do you know, I could hardly persuade them to come out and see you. Dear old Jack, he always was so shy.”
Miss Bulstrode rose. She said she could never thank them sufficiently for all their goodness to her. Miss Bulstrode seemed quite overcome. Her voice trembled with emotion.
“Before we go further, Miss Bulstrode,” said Jack Herring, “it will be best to tell you that all along we thought you were your brother, dressed up as a girl.”
“Oh!” said the Babe, “so that’s the explanation, is it? If I had only known – ” Then the Babe stopped, and wished he hadn’t spoken.
Somerville seized him by the shoulders and, with a sudden jerk, stood him beside his sister under the gas-jet.
“You little brute!” said Somerville. “It was you all along.” And the Babe, seeing the game was up, and glad that the joke had not been entirely on one side, confessed.
Jack Herring and Somerville the Briefless went that night with Johnny and his sister to the theatre – and on other nights. Miss Bulstrode thought Jack Herring very nice, and told her brother so. But she thought Somerville the Briefless even nicer, and later, under cross-examination, when Somerville was no longer briefless, told Somerville so himself.
But that has nothing to do with this particular story, the end of which is that Miss Bulstrode kept the appointment made for Monday afternoon between “Miss Montgomery” and Mr. Jowett, and secured thereby the Marble Soap advertisement for the back page of Good Humour for six months, at twenty-five pounds a week.
