Джером К. Джером
Fanny and the Servant Problem
BENNET. I think your ladyship must have been misinformed. I most certainly have seen none.
FANNY. I have to assume, Bennet, that either Dr. Freemantle or you are telling lies.
A silence.
BENNET. A party of over-dressed young women, claiming to be acquainted with your ladyship, have arrived in a van. I am giving them tea in the servants’ hall, and will see to it that they are sent back to the station in ample time to catch their train back to town.
FANNY. Please show them up. They will have their tea here.
BENNET [her very quietness is beginning to alarm him. It shakes him from his customary perfection of manners]. The Lady Bantocks do not as a rule receive circus girls in their boudoir.
FANNY [still with her alarming quietness]. Neither do they argue with their servants. Please show these ladies in.
BENNET. I warn you —
FANNY. You heard my orders. [Her tone has the right ring. The force of habit is too strong upon him. He yields – savagely – and goes out. She turns to the Doctor.] So sorry I had to drag you into it. I didn’t see how else I was going to floor him.
DR. FREEMANTLE. Splendid! [He grips her hand.]
FANNY [she goes to the old ladies who sit bewildered terrified.] They won’t be here for more than a few minutes – they can’t be. I want you to be nice to them – both of you. They are friends of mine. [She turns to the Doctor.] They’re the girls I used to act with. We went all over Europe – twelve of us – representing the British Empire. They are playing in London now.
DR. FREEMANTLE. To-night? [He looks at his watch.]
FANNY [she is busy at the tea-table]. Yes. They are on the stage at half past nine. You might look out their train for them. [She points to the Bradshaw on the desk.] I don’t suppose they’ve ever thought about how they’re going to get back. It’s Judy’s inspiration, this, the whole thing; I’d bet upon it. [With a laugh.] She always was as mad as a March hare.
DR. FREEMANTLE [busy with the Bradshaw]. They were nice-looking girls.
FANNY. Yes. I think we did the old man credit. [With a laugh.] John Bull’s daughters, they called us in Paris.
Bennet appears in doorway.
BENNET [announces]. “Our Empire.”
Headed by “England,” the twelve girls, laughing, crowding, jostling one another, talking all together, swoop in.
ENGLAND [a lady with a decided Cockney accent]. Oh, my dear, talk about an afternoon! We ’ave ’ad a treat getting ’ere.
Fanny kisses her.
SCOTLAND [they also kiss]. Your boss told us you’d gone out.
FANNY. It was a slight – misunderstanding. Bennet, take away these things, please. And let me have half a dozen bottles of champagne.
STRAITS SETTLEMENTS [a small girl at the back of the crowd – with a shrill voice]. Hooray!
BENNET [he is controlling himself with the supremest difficulty. Within he is a furnace]. I’m afraid I have mislaid the key of the cellar.
FANNY [she looks at him]. You will please find it – quickly. [Bennet, again from habit, yields. But his control almost fails him. He takes up the tray of unneeded tea-things from the table.] I shall want some more of all these [cakes, fruit, sandwiches, etc.]. And some people to wait. Tell Jane she must come and help.
Bennet goes out. During this passage of arms between mistress and man a momentary lull has taken place in the hubbub. As he goes out, it begins to grow again.
ENGLAND. ’E does tease yer, don’t ’e? Wanted us to ’ave tea in the kitchen.
FANNY. Yes. These old family servants —
AFRICA [she prides herself on being “quite the lady”]. Don’t talk about ’em, dear. We had just such another. [She turns to a girl near her.] Oh, they’ll run the whole show for you if you let ’em.
ENGLAND. It was Judy’s idea, our giving you this little treat. Don’t you blime me for it.
WALES [a small, sprightly girl with a childish, laughing voice]. Well, we were all together with nothing better to do. They’d called a rehearsal and then found they didn’t want us – silly fools. I told ’em you’d just be tickled to death.
FANNY [laughing – kisses her]. So I am. It was a brilliant idea. [By this time she has kissed or shaken hands with the whole dozen.] I can’t introduce you all singly; it would take too long. [She makes a wholesale affair of it.] My aunts, the Misses Wetherell – Dr. Freemantle.
The Misses Wetherell, suggesting two mice being introduced to a party of friendly kittens, standing, clinging to one another, murmur something inaudible.
DR. FREEMANTLE [who is with them to comfort them – he has got rid of the time-table, discreetly – smiles]. Delighted.
ENGLAND. Charmed. [The others join in, turning it into a chorus. To Fanny] Glad we didn’t strike one of your busy days. I say, you’re not as dressy as you used to be. ’Ow are they doing you? – all right?
FANNY. Yes. Oh, yes.
CANADA [“Gerty,” a big, handsome girl, with a loud, commanding voice]. George gave me your message.
FANNY [puzzled at first]. My message? [Remembering – laughs.] Oh. That I was Lady Bantock of Bantock Hall. Yes. I thought you’d be pleased.
CANADA. Was delighted, dear.
FANNY. So glad.
CANADA. I’d always had the idea that you were going to make a mess of your marriage.
FANNY. What a funny idea! [But the laugh that accompanies it is not a merry one.]
CANADA. Wasn’t it? So glad I was wrong.
WALES. We’re all of us looking out for lords in disguise, now. Can’t you give us a tip, dear, how to tell ’em?
SCOTLAND. Sukey has broken it off with her boy. Found he was mixed up in trade.
STRAITS SETTLEMENTS [as before, unseen at back of crowd]. No. I didn’t. ’Twas his moral character.
Then enter Honoria with glasses on a tray; Ernest with champagne; Jane with eatables; Bennet with a napkin. It is a grim procession. The girls are scattered, laughing, talking: Africa to the Misses Wetherell; a couple to Dr. Freemantle. England, Scotland, Wales, and Canada are with Fanny. The hubbub, with the advent of the refreshments, increases. There is a general movement towards the refreshments.
FANNY. Thanks, Bennet. You can clear away a corner of the desk.
ENGLAND [aside to her]. Go easy with it, dear. [Fanny, smiling, nods. She directs operations in a low tone to the Bennets, who take her orders in grim silence and with lips tight shut.] Don’t forget, girls, that we’ve got to get back to-night. [Aside to the Doctor, who has come forward to help.] Some of ’em, you know, ain’t used to it.
DR. FREEMANTLE [nods]. Glasses not too full. [He whispers to Fanny.]
IRELAND [a decided young woman]. How much time have we got?
ENGLAND. Don’t ask me. It’s Judy’s show.
WALES [mimicking Newte]. The return train, ladies, leaves Oakham station. [Stops – she is facing the clock. She begins to laugh.]
ENGLAND. What’s the matter?
WALES [still laughing]. We’ve got just quarter of an hour to catch it.
There is a wild rush for the refreshments. Jane is swept off her feet. Bennet’s tray is upset.
ENGLAND. Quarter – ! Oh, my Gawd! Here, tuck up your skirts, girls. We’ll have to —
DR. FREEMANTLE. It’s all right. You’ve got plenty of time, ladies. There’s a train from Norton on the branch line at 5.33. Gets you into London at a quarter to nine.
ENGLAND. You’re sure?
DR. FREEMANTLE [he has his watch in his hand]. Quite sure. The station is only half a mile away.
ENGLAND. Don’t let’s miss it. Keep your watch in your ’and, there’s a dear.
FANNY [her business is – and has been – to move quietly through the throng, making the girls welcome, talking, laughing with them, directing the servants – all in a lady’s way. On the whole she does it remarkably well. She is offering a plate of fruit to Judy]. You’re a nice acting manager, you are. [Judy laughs. Fanny finds herself in front of Ireland. She turns to England.] Won’t you introduce us?
ENGLAND. I beg your pardon, dear. Of course, you don’t know each other. Miss Tetsworth, our new Ireland, Lady Bantock. It is “Bantock,” isn’t it, dear?
FANNY. Quite right. It’s a good little part, isn’t it?
IRELAND. Well, depends upon what you’ve been used to.
ENGLAND. She’s got talent, as I tell ’er. But she ain’t you, dear. It’s no good saying she is.
FANNY [hastening to smooth it over]. People always speak so well of us after we’re gone. [Laughs.] You’ll take another glass of champagne.
IRELAND. Thank you – you made a great success, they tell me, in the part.
FANNY. Oh, there’s a deal of fluke about these things. You see, I had the advantage —
DR. FREEMANTLE [with watch still in his hand]. I think, ladies —
ENGLAND. Come on, girls.
A general movement.
FANNY. You must all come again – spend a whole day – some Sunday.
CANADA. Remember me to Vernon.
FANNY. He’ll be so sorry to have —
ENGLAND [cutting in]. ’Ope we ’aven’t upset you, dear. [She is bustling them all up.]
FANNY. Not at all. [She is kissing the girls.] It’s been so good to see you all again.
ENGLAND. ’Urry up, girls, there’s dears. [To Fanny] Good-bye, dear. [Kissing her.] We do miss yer.
FANNY. I’m glad you do.
ENGLAND. Oh, it ain’t the same show. [The others are crowding out of the door. She and Fanny are quite apart.] No chance of your coming back to it, I suppose? [A moment.] Well, there, you never know, do yer? Good-bye, dear. [Kisses her again.]
FANNY. Good-bye! [She stands watching them out. Bennet goes down with them. Ernest is busy collecting debris. Jane and Honoria stand one each side of the table, rigid, with set faces. After a moment Fanny goes to the open window. The voices of the girls below, crowding into the van, come up into the room. She calls down to them.] Good-bye. You’ve plenty of time. What? Yes, of course. [Laughs.] All right. Good-bye. [She turns, comes slowly back. She looks at Jane and Honoria, where they stand rigid. Honoria makes a movement with her shoulders – takes a step towards the door.] Honoria! [Honoria stops – slowly turns.] You can take away these glasses. Jane will help you.
Bennet has reappeared.
HONORIA. It’s not my place —
FANNY. Your place is to obey my orders.
BENNET [his coolness seems to have deserted him. His voice is trembling]. Obey her ladyship’s orders, both of you. Leave the rest to me. [Honoria and Jane busy themselves, with Ernest setting the room to rights.] May I speak with your ladyship?
FANNY. Certainly.
BENNET. Alone, I mean.
FANNY. I see no need.
BENNET [her firmness takes him aback. He expected to find her defiance disappear with the cause of it. But pig-headed, as all Bennets, her opposition only drives him on]. Your ladyship is not forgetting the alternative?
The Misses Wetherell have been watching the argument much as the babes in the wood might have watched the discussion between the two robbers.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL [in terror]. Bennet! you’re not going to give notice!
BENNET. What my duty may be, I shall be able to decide after I have spoken with her ladyship – alone.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Dear! You will see him?
FANNY. I am sorry. I have not the time.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. No. Of course. [Appealing to Bennet for mercy] Her ladyship is tired. To-morrow —
FANNY [interrupting]. Neither to-morrow – nor any other day. [Vernon enters, followed by Newte. She advances to meet them.] You’ve just missed some old friends of yours. [She shakes hands with Newte.]
VERNON. So it seems. We were hoping to have been in time. [To Newte] The mare came along pretty slick, didn’t she?
BENNET [he has remained with his look fixed all the time on Fanny]. May I speak with your lordship a moment – in private?
VERNON. Now?
BENNET. It is a matter that needs to be settled now. [It is the tone of respectful authority he has always used towards the lad.]
VERNON. Well, if it’s as pressing as all that I suppose you must. [He makes a movement towards the door. To Newte] Shan’t be long.
FANNY. One moment. [Vernon stops.] I may be able to render the interview needless. Who is mistress of this house?
VERNON. Who is mistress?
FANNY. Who is mistress of your house?
VERNON. Why, you are, of course.
FANNY. Thank you. [She turns to Bennet] Please tell Mrs. Bennet I want her.
BENNET. I think if your lordship —
FANNY. At once. [She is looking at him. He struggles – looks at Vernon. But Vernon is evidently inclined to support Fanny. Bennet goes out. She crosses and seats herself at the desk. She takes from a drawer some neatly folded papers. She busies herself with figures.]
VERNON [he crosses to his Aunts]. Whatever’s the matter?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. She is excited. She has had a very trying time.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Bennet didn’t like the idea of her receiving them.
NEWTE. It was that minx Judy’s doing. They’ll have the rough side of my tongue when I get back – all of them.
VERNON. What does she want with Mrs. Bennet?
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. I can’t think.
The atmosphere is somewhat that of a sheepfold before a thunderstorm. The Misses Wetherell are still clinging to one another. Vernon and Dr. Freemantle are both watching Fanny. Jane, Honoria, and Ernest are still busy about the room.
Suddenly, to Newte – who is standing apart – the whole thing comes with a rush. But it is too late for him to interfere.
Mrs. Bennet, followed by Bennet, are entering the room. He shrugs his shoulders and turns away.
MRS. BENNET. Your ladyship sent for me?
FANNY. Yes. [She half turns – holds out a paper.] This wages sheet is quite correct, I take it? It is your own.
MRS. BENNET [she takes it]. Quite correct.
FANNY [she tears out a cheque she has written – hands it to Mrs. Bennet]. You will find there two months’ wages for the entire family. I have made it out in a lump sum payable to your husband. The other month is in lieu of notice. [A silence. The thing strikes them all dumb. She puts the cheque-book back and closes the drawer. She rises.] I’m sorry. There’s been a misunderstanding. It’s time that it ended. It has been my own fault. [To Vernon] I deceived you about my family —
NEWTE. If there’s been any deceit —
FANNY. My scene, please, George. [Newte, knowing her, returns to silence.] I have no relations outside this country that I know of. My uncle is Martin Bennet, your butler. Mrs. Bennet is my aunt. I’m not ashamed of them. If they’d had as much respect for me as I have for them, this trouble would not have arisen. We don’t get on together, that’s all. And this seems to me the only way out. As I said before, I’m sorry.
VERNON [recovering speech]. But why did you – ?
FANNY [her control gives way. She breaks out]. Oh, because I’ve been a fool. It’s the explanation of most people’s muddles, I expect, if they only knew it. Don’t talk to me, anybody. I’ve got nothing more to say. [To Bennet] I’m sorry. You wouldn’t give me a chance. I’d have met you half way. [To Mrs. Bennet] I’m sorry. Don’t be too hard on me. It won’t mean much trouble to you. Good servants don’t go begging. You can depend upon me for a character. [To Jane] You’ll do much better for yourselves elsewhere. [To Honoria] Don’t let that pretty face of yours ever get you into trouble. [To Ernest] Good-bye, Ernest. We were always pals, weren’t we? Good-bye. [She kisses him. It has all been the work of a moment. She comes down again.] Don’t think me rude, but I’d like to be alone. We can talk calmly about it all to-morrow morning. [To the Misses Wetherell] I’m so awfully sorry. I wish I could have seen any other way out. [The tears are streaming from her eyes. To Vernon] Take them all away, won’t you, dear? We’ll talk about it all to-morrow. I’ll feel gooder. [She kisses him. To Dr. Freemantle] Take them all away. Tell him it wasn’t all my fault. [To Newte] You’ll have to stop the night. There are no more trains. I’ll see you in the morning. Good night.
Bennet has collected his troop. Leads them away. Dr. Freemantle, kindly and helpful, takes off Vernon and the two ladies.
NEWTE [he grips her hand, and speaks in his short, growling way]. Good night, old girl. [He follows the others out.]
FANNY [crosses towards the windows. Her chief business is dabbing her eyes. The door closes with a click. She turns. She puts her handkerchief away. She looks at the portrait of Constance, first Lady Bantock]. I believe it’s what you’ve been telling me to do, all the time.
