MAKING toast at the fireside, Nurse fell in the grate and died; And, what makes it ten times worse, All the toast was burned with nurse.
The Perils of Obesity
YESTERDAY my gun exploded When I thought it wasn't loaded; Near my wife I pressed the trigger, Chipped a fragment off her figure; 'Course I'm sorry, and all that, But she shouldn't be so fat.
Tender-Heartedness
BILLY, in one of his nice new sashes, Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes; Now, although the room grows chilly, I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
Jim; or, the Deferred Luncheon Party
WHEN the line he tried to cross, The express ran into Jim; Bitterly I mourn his loss — I was to have lunched with him.
Appreciation
AUNTIE, did you feel no pain Falling from that apple tree? Will you do it, please, again? 'Cos my friend here didn't see.
Baby
BABY in the caldron fell, — See the grief on Mother's brow; Mother loved her darling well, — Darling's quite hard-boiled by now.
Nurse's Mistake
NURSE, who peppered baby's face (She mistook it for a muffin), Held her tongue and kept her place, "Laying low and sayin' nuffin'"; Mother, seeing baby blinded, Said, "Oh, nurse, how absent-minded!"
The Stern Parent
FATHER heard his Children scream, So he threw them in the stream, Saying, as he drowned the third, "Children should be seen, not heard!"
"Bluebeard"
YES, I am Bluebeard, and my name Is one that children cannot stand; Yet once I used to be so tame I'd eat out of a person's hand; So gentle was I wont to be A Curate might have played with me.
People accord me little praise, Yet I am not the least alarming; I can recall, in bygone days, A maid once said she thought me charming. She was my friend, – no more I vow, — And – she's in an asylum now.
Girls used to clamour for my hand, Girls I refused in simple dozens; I said I'd be their brother, and They promised they would be my cousins. (One, I accepted, – more or less — But I've forgotten her address.)
They worried me like anything By their proposals ev'ry day, Until at last I had to ring The bell, and have them cleared away; (I often pondered on the cost Of getting them completely lost.)
To share my somewhat lofty rank Was what they panted for, like mad; You see my balance at the bank Was not so small, and, I may add, A Castle, Gothic and immense, Is my Official Residence.
It overlooks a many a mile Of park, of gardens and domains; I'm staying now in lodgings, while They're doing up the – well – the drains, — For they began to give offence At my Official Residence.
And, when I entertain at home, I hardly ever fail to please, The "upper tens" alone may come To join in my "recherché" teas; I am a King in ev'ry sense At my Official Residence.
My dances, on a parquet floor, My royal dinners, which consist Of fifteen courses, sometimes more, Are things that are not lightly missed; In fact I do not spare expense At my Official Residence.
My hospitality to those Whom I invite to come and stay Is famed; my wine like water flows, Exactly like, some people say, But this is mere impertinence At my Official Residence.
When through the streets I walk about My subjects stand and kiss their hands, Raise a refined metallic shout, Wave flags and warble tunes on bands, While bunting hangs on ev'ry front, — With my commands to let it bunt.
When I come home again, of course, Retainers are employed to cheer, My paid domestics get quite hoarse Acclaiming me, and you can hear The welkin ringing to the sky, — Aye, aye, and let it welk, say I!
And yet, in spite of this, there are Some persons who, at diff'rent times,
