Анна Карат
Learn to love. 30 tips how to live
Question 12. Sex on the first date. Is it wrong?
I broke up with a man I loved and I was single for four years. Within those four years I developed this colossal hunger – I craved emotions, touches, a man by my side and sex. Considering all this, every time I meet a suitable candidate it is very difficult to control myself. It is very difficult to keep the distance when I want to jump on top of him as soon as I realize that I like him. Men figure this out very quickly. They see that we get crazy every time they touch us (I am not even mentioning kisses). What they don’t understand is that it is our hungry body that reacts this way, and that our brain and heart are actually not involved.
It’s like when you show food to a hungry person. If the person hasn’t eaten for a while, he or she will immediately dig into food no matter what quality it is. Several times being too quick ruined my potentially good relationships. It happened because men don’t forgive rushing when it comes to sex, even though they encourage it (what meanness and hypocrisy!). So how do I cope with it? To find a lover just to satisfy my cravings? I can’t do it like that. It is important for me to like the man I am going to sleep with, even be in love with him and of course trust him. What should I do?
Answer. This is what I would do if I were you. I would find a lover who also happens to be a pleasant man. I would explain to him right away: «I want you a lot but only as a lover. No strings attached and no time together during the day. Can you come to my place once a week? In this case you use him, not vise versa. This relationship is going to develop according to your conditions. By the way, while you have a strictly sexual partner (without getting attached to him) you should be looking for a man that you want to live with. It is very difficult to build a relationship when you are ready to jump into any more or less attractive man’s bed. I created this rule for myself – I can’t start a new relationship if you are still attached to the previous one. If you want sex only, you need to be honest with yourself and with your man. Tell him that you spend nights together without any future plans. This way nobody is going to be disappointed.
Question 13. Who do men chase?
You have previously written that if a woman is in love but doesn’t have a lot of energy, she should wait a bit and take care of herself at first. This thought alarmed me because it was the reason why I missed a chance to have a beautiful relationship. I worked a lot at that time and was on the edge of a meltdown. I lost control and blamed the man I just fell in love with for all of my problems. Of course, he quietly left me. I was sincerely surprised. I couldn’t understand why he stopped calling. So I would find an explanation that he was simply afraid of commitment. But to be honest, who would need a woman who is constantly tired and nervous no matter how successful and beautiful she is?
Answer. I am going to give you an answer in bullet points:
● Energy is the biggest value in life.
● People look for energy.
● Sex for men is a vital need like hunger. That is why at first men evaluate women like sexual objects.
● The more energetic and lively a woman is, the easier it is to imagine her in bed and the more she is wanted.
● This is how we come to the conclusion that a man values the energy of a woman. Here I need to clarify that we are talking about positive energy, the one that causes the desire to live.
Question 14. Our plans don’t coincide. Do we have a chance to be together?
I can’t understand if I want to continue this relationship with the guy. I want to move into a bigger place. He doesn’t really care. He likes to have people over. I dream about a chance to be alone with him and just talk. He is forty (I am thirty) and he views life in a different way. He has two previous marriages and 4 children (two are his and the other two belong to his second wife). He loves them. It means that he doesn’t want to have more children. However, I want to have a child in the future. Of course, he has advantages – he is polite, educated and modest. We share some common interests.
Answer. I understand Anna, who needs to carry out the program that was assigned by nature. She needs to nest and have a baby. She also needs to find a father for her baby who will be able to support this program. She has a man who plays the role of a husband well, but she is not sure about him playing the role of a father and a «director» of her «program». What would I do if I were Anna? This is not advice; this is me reflecting. I would become a best friend for this man, an irreplaceable woman. I am sure that to reciprocate he would do anything to make me happier. Do you want a child? Let’s do it! Do you want a new house? I will make enough money to buy it! This is how people work. Here is one more pattern: if it feels good and easy to be with this person, I will do everything to be with him.
Chapter 5. He is not proposing
A man sometimes doesn’t hurry to make a proposal. So a woman can be waiting for years to hear the words she longs for: «Will you marry me?» How much time is needed to make this decision? Here is a very simple example. Do you remember how you were buying one of your favorite things (let it be a purse)? It was exactly what you had been dreaming about. You saw it in a store, but you didn’t have money. You ran to your friend to borrow money. You were afraid that somebody else might have bought your dream while you were away. So you ran back all sweaty, didn’t you? When he looks at you like at a treasure, he wants to claim that this treasure is his and he will want to make you his wife soon. It is natural for men not to let the competitors take their treasure away.
One of my clients said: «A man who hasn’t proposed in the first year will not be a good husband even if he marries you later. He most likely will be constantly unhappy with you and irritated. He probably will be cheating on you and you will depend on him. I know a lot of women who spend with these «indecisive» men five to seven years of their lives. I am on that list as well. After four years of a civil marriage I thought that we were not getting married because we both thought that it was just a formality. He eventually told me that if I had been a hundred percent what he wanted, he would have proposed within the first year of us dating. You know, he also said the following: «Why are you so upset? You’ve been fine with everything! If you were not fine with it, you wouldn’t be here.» Needless to say that I left. He immediately wanted me back, trying to persuade me to get married and have children. It didn’t work with me. He is still looking for the one who will be a hundred percent what he wants. It is simple – there are men who are not husbands. They don’t want us to know about it because they want us to stay with them.»
Many men do want to find a woman who would be their partner, friend and lover for their entire life. Any romance has an expiration date. If a man and a woman see each other every day, the romance will finish faster. If there are some obstacles, then the romance can last for a year or so. At first a man and a woman do a self-presentation and demonstrate their best qualities. Women don’t forget to put lip gloss on, wash hair every day and rotate jewelry. Men clean their shoes until they shine. This period ends when the first fight happens. After that a period of testing starts. Both, a man and woman, look at each other assessing if they want to build a family with their partner. This is when they ask questions, discuss the partner with their parents and friends, try to change something in him or her and test each other. As a result, a man and a woman make a decision whether they want a wedding.
The first possible scenario. A man is at the right age when it is time to get married and he wants to be married. His parents and friends like his girl. So she definitely could become his wife. A woman decides that it is time for her to get married. He will be a good father and a husband. He has potential. A man proposes just like it is described in books – he does everything himself without any hints from her side.
The second scenario. This one is the most common one. Within the first months of his relationship a man has satisfied his interests: sexual and intellectual. He figured out the nature of his night companion and can predict her behavior. However, he doesn’t want to marry her for several reasons: it is too early, he doesn’t want a committed relationship yet or maybe she is just not good enough to be his wife. This is when a man starts calling more often but actually coming over less frequently. What’s interesting is that at this point a woman is also not thrilled about him. Yet if it is time for her to get married, she will have to follow the «chase». There is one more reason why she follows a leaving man – she doesn’t want to be abandoned! She ends up acting like she did in the beginning of their relationship – she thinks about him a lot and falls in love with him again. This situation can be reversed. After some time, a woman stops caring. It usually happens because she gets bored with a man. She wants to try different relationships with other men to test her charm. It is too early for her to get married or maybe this very man is not a suitable candidate. She starts leaving and he starts following.
The third scenario. A man leans toward the idea that he is not going to marry his woman. This is when a competitor shows up! A man immediately proposes. Men by nature are warriors and conquerors. It is shameful for them to lose to competitors. Men play these games until the day they die. If there are no competitors, they make them up. They need to be winners! This becomes a reason for many marriages. Not only another man can be seen as a competitor. Different life circumstances can create some sort of competition – when something is forbidden or when he doesn’t have an opportunity to see her (for example, she has to move to a different city or she is married). It all comes down to the following: the harder it is to get her, the more he wants to marry her. I watched once how a simpleton somehow made Prince Charming marry her. The simpleton came from a different city and started working with Prince Charming. Every day she told Prince Charming that she had a fiancé back home waiting for her. At the same time, she kept flirting with Prince Charming. Of course the latter felt like he needed to defeat her fiancé, who by the way was made up. It turned out to be that she wasn’t that simple after all. I think the conclusion is obvious, isn’t it?
Question 15. Why does passion fade?
Why does passion last for a year? Can a relationship be limited by a calendar?
Answer. Yes. It has been proven by science, my personal experience and the experience of other people. Apparently, nature decided that one year is enough time to procreate. If within this period certain conclusions haven’t been made, this union is not going to last. Of course all of this is rather relative. However, there still should be some grounds for making a decision. Look at it as planting seeds. If the seeds are viable, they will grow within a certain period of time. And if nothing happens within this period, it is unlikely that they ever will grow. This fertile period is your passion.
Question 16. He doesn’t want to live together.
I have been dating this man for a year and a half. We are approximately of the same age – around thirty. We have similar views on household and life in general. Not a long time ago I started a conversation about him moving in with me. He agreed but became really anxious. He said that he was afraid of such a serious step. Moving in with me meant for him spending our entire lives together. Then there were days of long conversations and confessions. Eventually I packed my things and left. He said that he loved me and he needed time to think. When I was leaving, we both were crying, he was saying that he didn’t know if he wanted to spend all his life with me and I didn’t want to build the relationship knowing all this.
What should I do to clarify the situation at least a little?
Answer. I would also run away if I had to plan my entire future. When I was marrying Joe, I didn’t know how long we would stay together and what kind of a relationship we would have. We were happy AT THAT MOMENT and that was enough. It has been twenty-five years. However, if I stop being happy next to him, I will leave without a second thought. This is what you said: «He was saying that he didn’t know if he wanted to spend all his life with me and I didn’t want to build the relationship knowing all this.» You are putting him in tough and impossible conditions. You have been together for over a year. Yet you haven’t expressed what you expect from each other.
Talk now. Tell him that you also don’t want to live together if there is no happiness. As soon as this happiness disappears, you will be the first one to break up the relationship. Instead of talking you can write a letter to him. It will be easier. Explain what exactly you want from him and give him a specific deadline. After this deadline, if he doesn’t make a decision to be together, stop thinking about him all day long (you can spend two hours a day on these thoughts). People can live together for years and still not know what they want from each other. Even a notion «infidelity» can be different for a man and a woman. Sometimes it happens this way that what a woman thinks is a tragedy, is merely a mischief for a man.
Question 17. I have gotten two marriage proposals. Who should I pick?
I loved him a lot for ten years. I loved him for his intelligence and ambitions (he is a scientist). I was never his priority. I was always alone, but this man was the only one I loved and I didn’t want to break up with him. I was afraid to be single. In the beginning of this year I met Kurt. He thinks that we are created for each other. I think the same way. He was so attentive and caring. Kurt proposed after three months of knowing me. My Scientist learned from me about Kurt and also proposed. So now there is a dilemma – who do I pick? My heart is being torn apart.
Answer. If you pick your Scientist, he probably will stop paying attention to you again. He will not try and cheat on you, because he is fixated on his work. Men like that always put their wives second though. If you had been fine with this attitude, you wouldn’t have looked for another man at all. Am I right? So there was a need in a different relationship. It is likely that you are going through a transitioning phase. Your old feelings haven’t vanished yet. Ten years is a long time. Don’t rush into marrying someone right now. Your feelings will become clearer in a couple of months. This is when you will make a decision.
