# Whole: from losing yourself to loving yourself

Uliana Sunny, Ульяна Солнечная

Women are able to face difficulties while preserving warmth, care, and love, even in the most challenging moments. They carry the power to inspire those around them, creating an atmosphere of support and belief in what is possible. They feel the world more deeply, able to understand the pain and joy of others, helping people grow and heal.

Women adapt easily to change, solving countless tasks on the go and finding balance amid chaos. They see beauty in the small things and can turn the ordinary into the extraordinary, discovering solutions where no one else sees them. They are the guardians of life—giving life not only physically, but symbolically, through the creation of comfort, harmony, and inspiration for transformation.

Where there is love, there is a woman.

But what if love begins not with “us,” but with “me”?

“Whole: from losing yourself to loving yourself” is a book for women who feel that something inside them longs for more and better. This book is a path—a path.

## Address

Dear Women,

You are the embodiment of strength, beauty, and wisdom. Your gifts are priceless and multifaceted, just like life itself. You create and inspire. Your ability to combine care, creativity, and the pursuit of success makes the world around you better. You stand at the heart of change, ideas, and progress. You possess extraordinary emotional strength.

The harmony of sensitivity and confidence enables you to support your loved ones, inspire those around you, and overcome any challenge. You are multifaceted. Your talents and abilities shine in every sphere of life—from family and nurturing to career and community. You know how to find balance even where it seems impossible. You are a source of warmth and harmony.

Your gift for creating comfort, bringing people together, and sharing love makes you irreplaceable in every home and every team. Remember, your strengths are not only what nature has given you, but also the result of your inner work, your desire to grow, and your sincerity. Every step you take, every smile you share, makes this world brighter and kinder.

Be confident in yourselves, cherish your uniqueness, and remember: you are a true force capable of transforming the world around you for the better.

With love and acceptance,

Uliana Sunny

## Annotation

Women are able to face difficulties while preserving warmth, care, and love, even in the most challenging moments. They carry the power to inspire those around them, creating an atmosphere of support and belief in what is possible. They feel the world more deeply, able to understand the pain and joy of others, helping people grow and heal.

Women adapt easily to change, solving countless tasks on the go and finding balance amid chaos. They see beauty in the small things and can turn the ordinary into the extraordinary, discovering solutions where no one else sees them. They are the guardians of life—giving life not only physically, but symbolically, through the creation of comfort, harmony, and inspiration for transformation.

A tremendous force is hidden within a woman when she embraces her nature and finds confidence in her uniqueness. A woman’s strength lies in her depth, in her ability to unite power and gentleness, reason and feeling, logic and intuition, creating harmony and love around her.

Where there is love, there is a woman.

But what if love begins not with “us,” but with “me”? Not with expectations, not with trying to earn it, not with hoping that someone will one day truly see you—but with the moment you finally turn toward yourself.

“WHOLE: From Losing Yourself to Loving Yourself” is a book for women who feel that something inside them longs for more and better. This book is a path—a path of returning to yourself. There will be no rules on how to be “convenient” or “good enough,” but you will understand much. By holding this book in your hands, you are already taking the first steps toward a new life, and it will be better than the one before. Truly believe this, and everything will unfold.

Yes… Perhaps you have lost yourself in love, forgotten your desires for the sake of a relationship, feared loneliness, feared making mistakes, doubted yourself, and lost faith in who you are. For many people, the fear of making a mistake—of failing, of looking foolish—is one of the greatest barriers to growth. But it is through mistakes that experience is born, through challenges that strength emerges, and through failures that the path to genuine success is built. Perfection, fortunately, does not exist. Sincerity, courage, and the willingness to learn—these are what make a person truly remarkable.

So give yourself permission to try, even if it’s frightening and even if things don’t work out the first time. You know, habits and discipline turn a dream into a goal, and a goal into a result. Want change? Start small. Simple actions carry tremendous power—they build confidence and a sense of control. Remember: every step you take is a brick in the foundation of your future. You have only today, and it is up to you whether this day becomes just another link in the chain of routine—or a step toward a brighter, fuller life.

What kind of actions? Keep reading…

If you’ve lost faith in yourself, it’s only temporary. Everyone experiences moments of struggle. Think of your victories, of how you’ve already overcome challenges before. And if you compare yourself to others—stop. Everyone has their own path. Social media shows only success, but behind it lie obstacles. That is why it is important to focus on your own growth. Do something simple but meaningful for yourself: exercise, start learning a foreign language, complete a task you’ve been putting off. Small victories accumulate and build confidence.

Speak to yourself with kindness—replace self-criticism with support. Instead of “I can’t,” say “I’ll try,” “I’m learning,” “I will find a way.” Remember: mistakes are part of our growth. Every successful person has failed. Those moments teach us and make us stronger. What matters is not the failure itself, but how you respond to it. Surround yourself with support—talk to those who believe in you: friends, family, mentors. Their faith may help you see yourself differently. Many experienced psychologists believe this is one of the most powerful forms of healing. And allow yourself rest—a break, a pause, a vacation. Sometimes the loss of confidence is simply a sign of exhaustion. Rest, reconnect with joy, and act despite fear. Don’t wait for confidence—it comes through action. Move forward, even if the steps are small. You are stronger than you think.

If you are still reading these lines, it means something inside you has responded. You are not simply curious—you feel, you understand, you recognize the truth in these words. And at the same time, like any woman, you need guidance. Someone or something to remind you, affirm you, inspire you. Sometimes all we need is one word, one phrase to ignite a spark within. Sometimes a story that touches the heart. Sometimes a quiet but steady voice saying, “You are on the right path.”

This book will be that voice for you. Here, you will gather strength, discover new insights, and gain experience—all so that you can take one step closer to the woman you truly are.

“WHOLE: From Losing Yourself to Loving Yourself” is a book about returning to yourself and learning to love who you are. This is the only path to what is real, and it is where everything begins. You can start your journey right now.

First, remember this: in perfect conditions there is no room for growth. Where everything is predictable and safe, there is no impulse to seek new horizons. Life’s changes—no matter how unexpected or difficult they may seem—are actually an invitation to rise to a new level. And right here, at this very point, you have a choice. We will talk about choice later.

For now, read about why we grow tired of love—and a little about me.

Wishing you a meaningful and enriching reading experience.

## Why We Grow Tired of Love

Love. Perhaps there is no other word in the world that carries so many hopes, fears, illusions, and wounds all at once.

We grow up believing that one day it will change everything. That He will appear—and life will suddenly become easy. He will understand without words, fill the inner emptiness, heal the wounds, solve the problems. And finally, you will be “happy ever after.”

But if that is so… why is there so much exhaustion from love?

Why do women—sensitive, intelligent, strong—sit across from a psychologist and quietly say: “I don’t want this anymore. I don’t believe. I can’t.”

Why do those who know how to love end up in relationships where they are unseen? Why do we so often love those who cannot give us the one thing we truly need—presence, honesty, safety?

Because we love from pain, not from fullness.

We grow tired of love when we give more than we receive—and fear asking for what we need.

We fear being abandoned and settle for less.

We believe love must be earned and lose ourselves in the attempt to be “enough.”

We choose the wrong people, yet hope again and again that this time we won’t be disappointed.

But love is not meant to be a battlefield.

Love can be a home.

But first, you must become a home for yourself.

Keep reading…

Emotional Fatigue From Love Is Real

It arises from a complex mix of psychological, physiological, and social factors. Here are the main reasons why we grow tired of love:

1. Psychological and Emotional Reasons

Emotional roller coasters

Love is not only joy and euphoria. It is also jealousy, fear of losing, hurt, disappointment, and conflict. Constant emotional swings drain mental energy and eventually lead to burnout.

High expectations and pressure

We often enter relationships with an idealized image of “perfect love” shaped by movies and books. When reality turns out to be more complicated—when a partner doesn’t read our mind or daily life brings conflicts—we feel disappointed. The pressure to be an “ideal couple” and to constantly live up to each other’s expectations becomes exhausting.

Losing yourself

In the early stage of infatuation, people often dissolve into each other, pushing aside their interests, hobbies, and friends. Over time, this creates imbalance. The person realizes they are no longer themselves—and this brings deep fatigue and a sense of loss.

Unresolved conflicts and stored resentment

When partners don’t know how to discuss problems constructively, resentment accumulates like a snowball. Unspoken irritation requires constant inner suppression—an enormous emotional effort. This is called emotional labor.

The “rescuer” syndrome

When one partner constantly carries the relationship, solves every problem, and supports the other who has taken the role of “victim,” the “rescuer” quickly burns out.

2. Physiological and Biochemical Reasons

The end of “chemical infatuation”

At the beginning of love, the brain releases a cocktail of hormones—dopamine (pleasure and anticipation), oxytocin (bonding and trust), and norepinephrine (euphoria and racing heartbeat). After 1.5–3 years, this hormonal surge naturally declines. Calm attachment replaces passion.

This calmness is often mistaken for “exhaustion” or “loss of love,” though in reality, the relationship is simply entering a more mature phase.

Literal physical exhaustion

Constant stress, sleepless nights due to conflict, and high cortisol levels drain the body. It is impossible for the body to stay in a constant state of tension.

3. Social and Everyday Reasons

Routine and everyday life

Romance often gets overshadowed by daily responsibilities—bills, chores, repairs, raising children. The partner becomes less a source of passion and more a teammate in the “project called life.”

Lack of personal space

When two people spend all their time together without solitude, it creates a feeling of being trapped. A lack of healthy boundaries leads directly to emotional fatigue.

External stresses

Work problems, financial pressures, illness in the family—all fall heavily on a couple. If partners don’t support each other and instead unload their stress on one another, the relationship becomes yet another source of tension instead of a refuge.

What Can You Do About It?

If you or your partner feel tired of love, it’s a sign that something in the relationship needs attention.

1. Talk openly

Share your feelings honestly and without blame.

2. Reclaim personal space

Return to your hobbies. Meet friends. A bit of distance often reignites connection.

3. Introduce novelty

Routine destroys passion. Try doing something new together—travel, sports, a workshop, a course.

4. Learn to rest from each other

This does not mean conflict. It means giving each other space to breathe without guilt.

5. Seek a psychologist

A specialist can help uncover deeper causes and teach healthier ways of resolving conflict.

In the end, we don’t grow tired of love itself.

We grow tired of the challenges that accompany it:

of working on the relationship,

of unrealistic expectations,

of fighting with ourselves and our partner.

Real, mature love is not always passion and euphoria.

More often, it is a calm, conscious choice to be together—

a choice that requires effort

but brings a deeper sense of safety, connection, and support.


## **About Me

Learning Not to Suffer**

My name is Uliana Sunny, and my journey has always been—and still remains—both fascinating and thorny. At times difficult, at times light. The book you are holding was born from my life experience, from the inner feminine energy passed down to me through my mother and grandmother, from years of conscious growth, self-searching, and honest encounters with myself.

“Why Sunny?” you may ask.

Because I truly radiate light—toward myself and toward my surroundings. My element is fire. My zodiac sign is Leo. My Soul Number and Destiny Number are both One. The Sun governs me twice. And the lives of people who cross paths with mine inevitably change for the better. Those who share space with me begin to think wider, feel deeper, and see farther—thanks to our conversations and, perhaps, our friendship.

Stay here with me, and your life will begin to change too. Trust me.

… I know what it feels like to try to be convenient, understandable, “suitable” in relationships—and still end up with emptiness inside. I’ve lived through this more than once, and each time I found my way back to myself. Not instantly, but step by step—toward truth, toward my real self. I grew, evolved, changed on the inside and outside, gaining knowledge, experience, and an unshakable foundation.

It took time to understand one simple truth:

you don’t have to become someone else to be loved.

You don’t need to earn love.

You are already worthy of it.

The world is full of women who have proven: everything is possible—to be a leader, a mother, a teacher, an artist, an engineer, a politician, or simply a happy person.

We have no limits—except the ones we place on ourselves.

Life taught me not to listen to those who try to confine or diminish. Believing in myself, I know I have everything I need to make this world better—starting with myself. Tenderness, strength, imagination, practicality, courage, and caution—this unique combination makes us, as women, capable not only of achieving but also inspiring, trying, falling, rising again.

Today I can say it with confidence:

I am Uliana, I am 36, and I am WHOLE.

Yes, I am a woman who searched for herself in life and in love, dissolved, got lost, stayed silent when I wanted to scream or cry. But that was my path—to honesty, to maturity, to true closeness. These were my choices: brave, risky, illogical, spontaneous. And perhaps my honesty will help you find your own.

Because being yourself is not frightening.

Being yourself is beautiful.

Being yourself is what it means to be whole.

I am not a psychologist by education—but I believe I am something more. I want you to trust my experience, and I hope that after reading this book, your life will become better—just like mine did. But for that, you must read it… and you will understand: every girl becomes a woman, and only she holds the power to build her own happiness.

Today I can say with certainty:

I no longer know what true suffering is.

Not because suffering never existed in my life, but because now I see everything differently.

First: I carry within me an inner compass—feminine energy, powerful, warm, and fierce. It came from my mother—a woman whose eyes reflected strength even in the toughest times.

Second: my unique life experience; my thorny path that I created myself; my decisions; my countless leaps out of my comfort zone. All of this shaped me into a person who simply does not suffer anymore.

I want you to understand me correctly.

I’m not made of iron. I can feel sad—just like any human. Women sometimes feel deeply, and that’s natural. But sadness is not suffering.

I no longer suffer.

And you can learn this too.

Your challenges and difficult situations will teach you. They will strengthen you. This is the best thing that can happen to you. Treat your problems as lessons. Don’t fear the hardships—they are training, and with time you will stop suffering. Nothing and no one will break you.

So let’s learn: not to suffer.

We may feel sad sometimes—but we let the sadness go and move toward a better life. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. Let this become your affirmation. Write it down. Practice it. This is the quality of whole people.

I was fortunate: optimism settled inside me from childhood. I remember how my grandmother and I would sit in front of the TV in the evenings, watching Brazilian soap operas. I was a girl with braided hair and big dreams, imagining that one day I would live like the heroines on the screen—beautifully, freely, with fire in my eyes. I didn’t know then that those evenings would become the foundation of my inner state—to love life, to believe in love, to choose light.

Today I truly believe:

Thoughts shape reality, and suffering is a choice.

Yes, we cannot choose what happens to us. But we always choose how we respond. Cry or grow. Complain or move. Close off or open up.

I chose to live fully.

But before making that choice, I had to go through much more than I could have imagined.

My difficult childhood passed, I grew up, went to school, then to university. I had my first relationship at eighteen. I loved and was loved. I completed seven years of university and earned a master’s degree. And then came 2013.

Everything collapsed in a single year.

I was 23—an age when you don’t yet know who you are, but you think everything is under control. And then, in one instant, life disappeared under my feet.

My grandmother died.

My mother underwent major brain surgery and almost completely lost her health.

My father suffered a stroke.

My relationship—the one I had invested my heart and soul into—ended. Five years with a man I believed was my support, my love, my meaning. He gave me confidence, resources, opportunities—and at the same time, he betrayed me.

He cheated on me in the most difficult period of my life. It was a shock. I trusted him. And suddenly it felt like I had lost everything.

Inside, I “died.”

All this happened at once. I had to make decisions alone. The betrayal was the most painful of all. I gathered every ounce of strength and faced every problem one by one. Not without the help of loved ones. God was always near.

My mother survived the brain surgery and got better.

We buried my grandmother.

My father stabilized.

But my relationship… ended. And the trauma lingered. For a year I lived in pain—love’s pain.

Tears, anxiety, a sense of complete collapse. At that time I worked at the university, finished my master’s thesis, passed exams, and defended my degree with excellence. But inside one question remained:

How do I live now? How do I be alone?

My friends disappeared.

I stood among ruins—but my real life began on those ruins.

I decided to move to Moscow—the city of strong people and great opportunities. It was the best decision of my life. Yes, the path was hard. For the first time I lived alone, far from my parents. I cried, suffered, worked, read—far away from everything familiar. And I didn’t want to go back. Not because Moscow immediately felt like home, but because I was afraid to return to the past…

In that loneliness, I battled for peace of mind, heart, and body.

Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year—I continued my ascent without a clear plan, without support, but with enormous determination.

Time passed… and I slowly began choosing myself. First in small things—listening to my own desires. Then in bigger ways—seeking opportunities, learning new skills, working on myself externally and internally, going where I felt fear. The pain still lived inside me, but it no longer ruled me.

Distance, time, and inner work healed me.

I learned to look pain in the eyes and move forward.

This is how I was reborn.

Not in one day—but exactly when I had nothing left, I met my true self. And I began to like her.

Today, I look back with gratitude. Even at him—the one with whom everything fell apart. I thank him for the love, for the pain, and for the awakening. Without him, I might have stayed in that comfortable “prison.” Sometimes, to walk into freedom, you must walk through fire.

Every woman at least once in her life meets her “awakener”—someone who shakes her, knocks the ground from under her feet… and with the same act gives her a chance to find herself again.

I share this story with women whose lives are collapsing now. Because when everything collapses—it is terrifying. But that is exactly when a new Self begins to take shape.

I can’t name the exact moment when the final awakening happened—when I realized that I no longer wanted or knew how to suffer.

Maybe it was early morning when sunlight fell on my pillow and I felt silence inside, without blame or self-pity.

It was simply over—and simultaneously beginning.

I stopped waiting for someone to save me.

I stopped praying for things to return “as they were.”

I realized: nothing will be the same again.

And that… is good.

That was my first adult choice—choosing myself.

I was surprised only by one thing:

How had I not awakened sooner?

Because the truth is simple:

Only I choose in my life.

Only I am responsible for my path.

And only I can decide to move forward—at any moment.

If at that moment someone—man or woman—had told me these truths, maybe it would have been easier. But later I understood why life sometimes must collapse.

Keep reading…

I didn’t know yet how to live or what to do next, but I knew one thing:

I would not be a victim.

I no longer wanted to explain why I felt bad.

I no longer wanted to search for someone to blame.

I no longer wanted to live a life that wasn’t mine.

And when you finally let go, something miraculous happens inside—air appears.

At first it smells like fear. Then like silence.

And then, quietly, it begins to smell like… freedom.


Why Does Everything Collapse in a Single Moment?

First, it happens because transformation precedes a new stage of life. Old methods, habits, and people may no longer fit your new reality, and that is why the destruction begins – the transition. Everything unnecessary must leave in order to create space for something better.

Second, life tests your readiness. If the road were easy, the value of reaching your destination would be insignificant. Challenges reveal how much your dream truly matters to you. If you keep moving despite obstacles, you show the world – and yourself – that you are worthy of your success.

Third, a new version of you is being created. Sometimes it is precisely in moments of crisis that we uncover strengths we never knew we had. What once felt impossible becomes the only way forward – and you will handle it.

But what should you do when everything falls apart?

Accept the change. Don’t resist. If something leaves your life, it means it no longer serves you. Open yourself to new possibilities, even if they are not yet visible.

Stay focused on your goal and remind yourself why you began this journey. Write it down, speak it out loud, visualize your victory – let your dream lead you forward.

And of course, trust the process of stepping into a new level of life. Act anyway. Keep taking steps, one after another – they move you forward every day, even when it feels like nothing is changing and you are walking through a storm.

If the path were easy, everyone would take it. But it is meant for the strong – which means you already belong among them.

Remember: the darkest night comes just before dawn, the greatest chaos before a new order. If it feels unbearably hard right now, it means you are standing at the threshold of something great. Do not give up – your day is coming soon, the day your new creative life begins. Dreams come true for those who keep going.

Therapy can help as well. And by therapy, I don’t only mean a psychotherapist’s office with a soft chair and a glass of water on the table. Therapy can take any form of love. It can be a priest in a quiet church if your soul responds to that. It can be your mother, if she is capable of truly hearing you. It can be a friend who does not judge. It can be someone who simply sits beside you when you are silent.

The most important thing is to allow yourself to be vulnerable with those who will not betray you. Because alone we can survive – but true healing always comes through connection.


Faith. Meditation

Each of us believes in something – the Universe, God, the Absolute, our Higher Self… Whatever you choose to call it, all these forces speak to us in different languages but with one intention: to awaken us, to return us to ourselves, to lift the veil of illusions we willingly walk into – out of fear, out of love, out of childish naivety or blind trust.

Nothing in life happens without reason. If the spark of awakening is planted within you, if your soul came into this lifetime not just to live, but to remember who you are, then you will almost certainly have to pass through pain, loss, loneliness, and complete reset. Because only at the very bottom – where nothing familiar remains, where there are no outside voices, no expectations, no masks – you finally hear your own voice.

It was then that I tried something that once seemed strange, even slightly ridiculous to me – meditation.

I had always treated such practices with skepticism. I was a person of logic, a rational thinker with a mathematical education, someone who taught children mathematics for eight years, who led others – and suddenly, there I was, sitting on the floor in a strange pose, listening to the “music of the spheres,” with my eyes closed, trying to hear at least something inside myself.

I began with the simplest: a few minutes of silence, breath, the phrase “I am.”

And suddenly – imagine – it worked.

There was one day I remember vividly. I lay down in a pose I had once seen – a Japanese inverted posture: legs raised against a couch or wall, head lower, body fully relaxed. I went so deep that when my mother entered the room (I was staying with my parents on vacation at the time) and said something to me, I heard her voice but couldn’t answer. My consciousness was somewhere between worlds, and I became truly frightened – because I felt a separation, as if my soul had left my body and was slowly returning.

When I finally reconnected with myself – with my body, with the space around me – I felt like someone different.

Was it… a rebirth?

Yes, I thought. Soft, but unmistakable.

In that moment, I told myself: “You are ready for the new.”

A total reset. A new strength and energy entered me. I had waited for it, released what needed to leave, filled myself up – and I was ready for the next chapter.

My thoughts were clear:

“I no longer want to suffer. I no longer want to be a victim. I refuse to destroy myself from the inside. I don’t want to be a woman living in constant expectation of love while forgetting to love herself. I don’t want to be a parasite in my own life, consuming myself with anger, resentment, and guilt.”

For the first time, I said aloud:

“Never again. Never again will I allow others to treat me that way. Never again will I betray myself just to stay close to someone who betrays me.”

That was my first true turning point.

It felt as if I had tuned into a completely different wavelength and drifted away from my past.

Of course, many more shifts followed – many moments where I lost myself again, searched again – but that first crack in my old self, that first step out of the comfort zone, is unforgettable.

I lived through an experience no university could ever give you.

It wasn’t an academic lesson – it was the school of pain, the school of maturity, the school of self-love.

And I am grateful. Not for the suffering – no.

But for the fact that through it, I learned to truly see myself – not through the eyes of those who betrayed me, but through the eyes of the woman who chose to stay and rise: my own eyes.

Now, when I look back at the path I’ve walked – the internal hurricanes, the collapses, the rebirths – I can say with complete honesty, without even a shadow of pretense: I am happy.

Not in the vague, poetic sense – but truly happy: quietly, deeply, calmly.

Happy in each lived moment, even if it’s imperfect, even if it carries ordinary human sadness or daily routines.

Happy not because life is a fireworks show – but because I can feel life, here and now, without fear.

I no longer chase happiness as a destination or a reward.

I live it – as a way of being, as presence, as grateful witnessing of each breath, each glance, each step – even when it makes me vulnerable, even when it leads me into the unknown.

I no longer suffer as I once did, because now I know how to stay in contact with myself – not to run away, not to suppress, not to freeze in the role of a victim, but to stay with whatever rises inside me and live through it fully, without resistance and without drowning in it.

Yes, I can feel sadness. Sometimes.

My body is alive, my hormones are feminine, my emotions are many.

But I learned to see: behind every emotion stands a thought, behind every thought – a story, behind every story – a choice.

And when you see this inner architecture clearly, you stop confusing sadness with tragedy, and melancholy with the end of the world.

Today, looking at my life, I understand that I no longer cling – not to people, not to roles, not to places, not to things, not to sensations, not even to my own identity.

I have learned to flow – to observe, to experience, to let everything pass through me knowing that everything is temporary, everything is a gift, and nothing belongs to me in the literal sense.

If something painful or unexpected happens now, I no longer put up walls. I don’t pretend. I don’t run into overactivity or excuses. I allow myself to stop and feel it – with full honesty, full depth, and full softness toward myself.

I can cry.

I can sit on the floor.

I can remain silent.

But within all of this, there is one constant that never leaves me – me, the one who learned to let go.

My unwavering foundation.

I will tell you more about this. Keep reading…

I realized that everything we think is important can disappear.

And everything we once thought impossible can unfold.

All we can do is remain in this dance – without freezing, without holding onto what wants to leave, without pushing away what wants to arrive.

Every moment we find ourselves in is already a new moment – unique, unrepeatable.

There is no point in clinging to what was.

And no point in clinging to what we imagine the future should be.

Life happens here. And only here.

I also learned to look at people I know without judging who they were in the past – because I myself am changing every second.

And if I’ve allowed myself the right to change, to grow, to be reborn – then I can allow the same for others.

I no longer hold a mirror made of the past.

I hold space for the new.


The Book

This book was not created to become yet another inspiring read for a single evening—something you close, smile at with gentle sadness, whisper “yes, that was beautiful,” and then return to your familiar reality filled with inner pain, fear, resentment, doubts, anxiety, guilt, postponed dreams, and the secret hope that someone, somewhere, someday will fix everything for you, support you, explain life to you, save you, and lead you to a place where you can finally be yourself—loved, free, and alive.

This book is about returning.

About choosing.

About taking responsibility.

It was born from my own days and nights when I had no idea how to keep living.

It came together from moments when relationships collapsed, when all support disappeared, when a woman I barely recognized stared back at me in the mirror—tired, lost, and forgetting who she once was.

And it was in those moments that I understood: no one is coming.

Not because the world is cruel, and not because people are indifferent.

But because salvation from the outside is an illusion—the foundation on which a victim’s life rests, a childish life, a powerless life.

And if you want to live differently—

not just survive,

not cling,

not wait for approval, love, or understanding,

not gather yourself from the scattered pieces of someone else’s recognition,

but truly live—

freely, with self-respect—

then sooner or later, you will have to take yourself by the hand

and walk inward.

This is what this book is devoted to.

I believe that every woman already carries within her everything she needs to handle any challenge—inner or outer, emotional or practical, sudden or prolonged.

But most of the time, this strength is hidden beneath layers of fear, parental conditioning, social pressure, inherited stories, past relationships, and the simple unwillingness or unreadiness to take responsibility for her inner state and her path.

Because the journey back to yourself is a process in which you will meet everything you try to avoid, everything you prefer to hide.


Desires

Through my observations, practices, and living life with an open heart, I have come to a simple yet profound understanding: our true desire manifests only when the soul, mind, body, and heart are in harmony, in resonance, flowing in the same vibrational stream. There can be no inner conflict, doubt, fear, or tension pulling us in the opposite direction. But if even one part of you—your soul, your logic, your body—resists, if there is any contraction, tension, or anxiety, even unconscious, then most likely your desire either will not manifest at all, or it will arrive in a distorted, inauthentic form. I know this from my own experience and from the experiences of many others.

I remember one New Year’s Eve, passing by the city Christmas tree, I made a wish on an ornament: “I want a man who will provide me with a beautiful, free, and abundant life.” And that wish came true exactly one month later—exactly as I had phrased it. But as it turned out later, I hadn’t considered other qualities—like honesty. There was full provision, care, respect—but he was married. The Universe does not argue with your phrasing. It simply delivers the vibration you sent. You can get what you wanted—but not necessarily what you truly need. I do not judge that choice—it was important for me. But it was the first time I understood: a desire must be formulated correctly, with sincere intention and an unshakable foundation.

If you are not walking your own path, if you are living someone else’s life, playing someone else’s role, suppressing your “I want” and replacing it with “I must”—life will inevitably create an event that forces you to stop. And very often, this comes through the body—through health. This is why being in touch with your body is so important. Pay attention to it: changes in weight, skin, hair, nails, new illnesses, and other shifts. Receive the signals it sends.

It is best to formulate desires in moments of strong emotional experience—whether it is joy, inspiration, ecstasy, or, conversely, fear, pain, or a moment of total reset. When you make a wish in such a state, it is more likely to manifest at double speed. Because in these peak states, we pour enormous amounts of energy into the desire. Energy is the currency of manifestation. Therefore, if at a peak moment you consciously choose your direction, if you are in the flow and say: “I want to live fully. I want to love. I choose the path of my soul,”—then be ready: life has heard you. And from that moment, everything will begin unfolding toward you—from the heart and with force.

Very often, despite all efforts—meditations, visualizations, written goals, or even sincere dreams—desires do not manifest. They seem to hang in the air, stay on the horizon, slip through your fingers, or arrive in a “wrong” form. In these moments, it is important not to fall into disappointment, not to blame yourself, God, the Universe, or “the wrong practice.” Instead, adopt a mature, observant stance and ask yourself: what is truly happening inside me? Very often, the reasons come down to two key internal barriers.

Lack of faith. Most people believe they have faith. They say: “I want this,” “I visualize it,” “I do the practices,” but inside, there is no total trust in the universe or in themselves, no sense that it already exists, that it is already theirs.

The second, no less powerful reason desires may fail to manifest is fear. The moment life opens a new door, the moment a possibility appears to move to a new level—in relationships, business, self-realization, or self-love—your psyche immediately triggers protective mechanisms. You start to fear. You close off. You say: “Oh, no, this probably isn’t for me.” “I’m not ready.” “I can’t handle it.” “What if I make a mistake?” And in that moment—the door closes. Even though until that point, the world had been calling you from every direction. The world always speaks to you. And if you don’t hear its whisper, it begins to shout. If you continue closing yourself off, silencing, ignoring—it simply turns away, because your free will is sacred.

Each next level requires more trust. Each desire requires a stronger “I am ready.” Every opening requires facing your fear—and taking the step. And if you allow yourself to listen, if you stop being afraid, if you let your desires come—you cannot stop them from coming.


Numerology

I want to speak to you honestly—as I would to a young woman standing in front of a mirror, asking herself for the first time in her life: “Who am I really? Why am I here? Why does my life unfold this way and not otherwise? And how can I finally find my direction?”

I believe in God, but I also believe in numbers—and in the idea that faith, in any form, helps a person. Faith is multifaceted, just like life itself.

God speaks to each of us in different ways—through events, through people, through numbers that mysteriously appear at the right moment, seemingly pointing the way. This is not a contradiction. It is a continuation. Numbers are part of the world, and the world reflects a higher plan.

When a person embraces both forms of faith, it is as if two windows open, letting light in. One faith provides a sense of spiritual support; the other gives a sense of structure, order, and guidance. Together, they create an inner compass that helps you live more consciously, attentively, and courageously. Faith does not replace action—it gives meaning to action. It becomes a quiet force that pushes you forward when things are difficult and reminds you that every step is part of a larger journey.

If belief in God and in numbers helps you feel more confident, understand life more deeply, and change it for the better, then that is your path. And it is true, because it is alive.

So. Numerology is one way to start this conversation with yourself. It is a language through which your soul can speak—if you are willing to listen. It helps you look inward, see your strengths and weaknesses, and truly know yourself—with your gifts, the lessons you are here to learn, and the situations that keep repeating until you understand them. It shows you where to move in order to stop suffering and start living in alignment with yourself. Because none of us came into this world by accident.

We are born on a specific date, with a specific code that carries not only an individual vector of growth but also a set of karmic tasks, lessons, challenges, and opportunities. Through these, we can either endlessly repeat the same mistakes or grow, unfold, and transform our destiny.

Numerology does not define you—it helps you remember who you are. And if you are ready to be honest with yourself, if you are willing to look at your numbers not as labels but as signposts, you will see: each vibration has its shadow and its light, its weakness and its gift, its temptation and its path. And it is up to you what to live and embody.

I discuss numerology in more detail in the last chapter.


Mathematics. Work

I have a higher mathematical education—I am a Master of Mathematics, a teacher of mathematics and informatics. And it was this logical, structured, and in some ways strict and dry scientific foundation that later became the ground on which all my transformations, practices, spiritual insights, inner discoveries, and unexpected turns of destiny were laid.

Mathematics taught me to structure, to think systematically, to analyze.

Life taught me to feel, to experience, to release, to see beyond the rational.

Inside me, two forces intertwined—mind and heart, numbers and soul, formulas and energy. And it is on this synthesis—the scientific and the intuitive, the logical and the metaphysical—that my path, my philosophy, and my book are built.

My path began far from easy.

I was born in a village.

My family lived simply.

My parents worked constantly just to survive; they achieved everything in life on their own; they built a house; they fed and clothed my brother and me; they gave us a school and a university education. There were very difficult times for our family.

Early mornings; daily help with the house, the garden, the poultry, the cattle; school; a life without excess; limitations; my father’s strictness—all of this forged an inner backbone within me.

During my student years, I helped my father sell milk bought from the farm at the city market, and I also worked part-time in a shop and a factory. I learned the value of hard work early.

And at the same time—I began to dream of more.

At university, I received two scholarships—an academic and a social one—and inside me one thought played on repeat:

“Soon I will start earning. Soon I will break through. Soon I will grow.”

I wasn’t thinking about relationships or romance then—they happened on their own, early, at 18. But my priority was different: to prove to myself that I could, that I would manage, that I would succeed.

In my fifth year of university, a professor of mathematical analysis—a candidate of pedagogical sciences—noticed me. She invited me to work in the scientific department of the university. I didn’t hesitate. I agreed. It was my first serious professional challenge.

I entered my master’s program, continued working at the university, and at the same time began teaching first-year students.

But perhaps the most transformative experience was this: in my fifth year, I went to teach mathematics and physics at a boarding school for children with special developmental needs. It was my first real contact with psychology, with the unique world of children society often rejects, ignores, or fears.

It was incredibly difficult, deep, emotional.

And no—I am not telling this so anyone will pity me.

I am telling it to show that we can get through anything.

We are the primary architects of our own destinies.

We can rise, grow, transform, and build ourselves into anything we choose.

Nothing is impossible.

You can be a village girl carrying a bucket of milk, and later—a master of sciences, a teacher, a spiritual guide, a woman with a mission.

You can be a factory shop assistant and later—speak to women in the language of the heart and change lives.

You can grow out of any conditions if within you there is desire, fire, and a drop of faith that you deserve more.

And I hope my path, with all its twists and turns, becomes not just a story but proof that your story can become inspiring too.

As a teacher, I know very well: in any classroom, any group, any space, there are those who leap ahead—absorbing, opening, expanding. And there are those who struggle, who still carry old programs, who are afraid to release the old self, or whose time simply hasn’t come yet. This is completely normal.

Some are just waking up.

And some are already at the level where they themselves become carriers of knowledge.

If you feel that you are already a teacher, already a master, already ready to share—then you are here not by accident. This space is for you as well.

And nothing brings me more joy than seeing the spark in the eyes of those who walk with me—those who suddenly begin to feel, to understand, to change, to see results.

My path has been diverse, intense, and at times astonishing even to me.

For nearly nine years I worked as a school teacher, taught classes, guided students, taught children to think, to see connections, to search for answers. Then I became the deputy director of a school—where I first realized that the administrative level requires a different type of strength, a deeper resilience.

Later I worked as a project manager at a university, then as an assistant director in a major holding company.

Life constantly tested me—throwing me into different roles and positions.

I was a model.

Yes, I collaborated with Russian brands. I learned to see myself through a camera, to hold posture, to speak with my eyes rather than words.

I was a homemaker—what today is fashionably called “living at someone’s expense.”

It was a stage where I had everything externally—but inside there was emptiness. And I look back on that time with respect and gratitude, because it became one of the turning points when I understood that I wanted to be not only beautiful, but strong, deep, independent.

I opened my first project—an online jewelry boutique. It paid off in a month. It was successful. I could have continued.

But I closed it. Why?

Because I felt that my energy was not there.

And I do not regret it for a second.

Because it was a step toward myself.

Every role, every profession, every place life sent me—was an important fragment of my mosaic. And now I see: none of it was accidental. It all led me to who I am becoming today.

If you are on your path now, if you don’t understand what is happening to you, if you cannot connect all your scattered experiences into a whole—just trust: it will come together. One day you will look back too and say:

Now I understand. I needed all of this.

All of this is part of me.

And until that moment comes—let’s walk together.

I’m here with you.


Relationships

The path to who I am today—a woman living through her heart—was not paved with smooth tiles. It wasn’t a road of a single step or a random turn. These were entire cycles of life, guiding me, transforming me, polishing me. Each of them seemed to unfold a new depth within me, and together they form my unique story, full of strength, pain, insights, and endless love for life.

At first, it was unconscious. I was simply living, simply being myself. And even then, people around me could feel that something within me sparked, something inspired. I would hear: “You are like light. Being near you makes me want to believe. You change my thinking just by being here.” I began to notice that I truly affected the space, that I changed it. But at that time, I didn’t think of it as a calling. I simply spoke, felt, lived—and it worked.

One of the most significant sources of my strength was my relationships with men. I have experience—not just of beautiful romances, but of long, deep, mature relationships with men who were successful, wise, generous—both inwardly and outwardly. This was not coincidence, nor luck. It’s not “getting lucky with a man.” This is the path of feminine maturity, inner value, subtle self-awareness, and understanding of male psychology. Feminine energy that doesn’t cling, doesn’t beg, doesn’t prove itself—but simply exists. And it is precisely this energy that attracts the most worthy people into your life.

These men were not only strong personalities but were surrounded by equally accomplished people: their families, friends, partners—a whole layer of confident, realized people. And I did not receive this “on a silver platter.” It was the result of my choice, my growth, my strength, my femininity, my fearlessness, and… my meditations. Yes, I literally meditated on the relationships of my dreams.

Once, I was walking through summer Moscow with a friend. It was a magical stroll. We chatted, laughed, shared our desires, and began dreaming out loud, visualizing in intricate detail. At one point, I said clearly: “On October 15, my man and I will have dinner by the ocean. It will be romantic, deep, real.” You know, when you say something from your body, from your heart—it’s not fantasy. It’s a message to the Universe. And it works.