Stavl Zosimov
Isak, the grandson of Ostap

CHAPTER 1

Adaptation of the novel by Ilf and Petrov \"The Twelve Chairs\". Russia, Chelyabinsk. Present da.

Panorama of the casino. At the card table sits PRIEST FEDOR in a vest, with rolled-up sleeves up to his elbows, losing a large sum.

DEALER

Your card is beaten, Holy Father. Let's continue playing?

PRIEST FEDOR

Yes. I'll place a cross. May the Lord forgive me.

Priest FEDOR takes off a bulky gold-plated cross from his neck and places it on the table. The DEALER looks at the manager standing nearby. He nods vertically with his head. The DEALER starts dealing the cards. PRIEST FEDOR picks them up, looks at them with a frightened expression, and reveals the cards. The DEALER slowly takes one card at a time from the deck and places them face up on the priest's cards.

DEALER

Your card is beaten again, Father Fedor.

The DEALER takes the cross from the table and puts it under the table in a sliding drawer.

DEALER (continuing.)

Let's continue playing?

The priest takes off his church hat and wipes his face with it to remove the sweat.

PRIEST FEDOR

Yes. On credit.

DEALER

What as collateral?

PRIEST FEDOR

My soul.

The DEALER grins dissatisfiedly.

PRIEST FEDOR (continuing.)

Then a kidney. I'll sell it in the black market. There's a buyer. A monastery abbot.

The DEALER shrugs and looks surprised at the manager. The manager waves his hand and walks around the gaming hall. The DEALER deals the cards. The priest loses again.

DEALER

Your card is beaten again. When can you settle your card debt?

PRIEST FEDOR

(crying)

I've lost everything, even the church land. Lord, help me. Give me a sign, Father.

MATFYEY (20) works at the indoor market and sells bee honey of all colors of the rainbow. Above his stall is a sign: 'Flower Honey.' WOMAN approaches and looks at the jars of honey in various colors. She takes a jar of blue honey.

MATFYEY is the grandson of Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov.

WOMAN

This is honey?

MATFYEY

Yes.

WOMAN

And why is it kind of blue?

MATFYEY

This is chicory honey. It has blue petals.

WOMAN

And the yellow one is dandelion honey?

MATFYEY

Yes, the color of the honey corresponds to the flowers. I have bees of Australian breed.

GRANDMOTHER

He's lying about everything. He melts it from sugar and dog fat in the booth of the janitor Tikhon. Then he colors it with Easter paint.

MATFYEY

Go away, old hag. Where did you come from?

WOMAN

No, I'm not taking it.

MATFYEY

But too bad, this black one cures potency and cancer.

WOMAN leaves, followed by GRANDMOTHER, who disappears.

We see the conductor opening the door and stepping off the train onto the platform. ISAAC (20) exits the train onto the platform of the station without any bags, hands in his pockets.

ISAAC is the grandson of Ostap-Suleyman-Berta-Maria-Bender-bey

ISAAC descends and shifts his weight from one leg to the other. Nearby stand young girls with expensive cars near the casino. Passersby walk towards the station. A BOY (13) runs up to him.

A BOY

Hey, mister, give me 10 rubles, huh? Mister, give me 10 rubles, I'm telling you?!

ISAAC

Go steal, I don't have any money.

A BOY

Give me a cigarette, mister?!

ISAAC

Maybe you want a hundred grams poured as well?

A BOY

Then buy me an iPhone?!

ISAAC takes the iPhone from A BOY's hands and examines it.

ISAAC

Who did he snatch it from?

A BOY

Doesn't it matter to you? Take it or give it back?!

ISAAC

Taking.

ISAAC puts the iPhone in his pocket and walks towards the girls. A BOY grabs ISAAC by the sleeve.

A BOY

(Crying)

Give me the iPhone back, come on. Or give me a thousand?!

ISAAC

Maybe I should give you the key to the apartment where the cash is kept? Back off.

A BOY

(Crying)

Give it back …

ISAAC

I'll give you two in the evening. But for now, bug off and don't interfere while we talk.

A BOY

Are you lying? Identify yourself.

ISAAC

I swear. And now don't interrupt. A BOY stops. ISAAC continues walking.

CHAPTER 2

ISAAC approaches the girls. The girls bat their eyelashes at him and giggle with each other.

ISAAC

Hello beauties. Cool cars. Does your mom need a son-in-law?

GIRL 1

A son-in-law? Why not take one? We know.

GIRL 2

No, we don't need one like that.

ISAAC takes out the iPhone from his pocket.

ISAAC

Then take the iPhone as collateral for three pieces until the evening?! The latest model. Brand, original from Vintella.

GIRL 1

And it's not a fake?

ISAAC

No. I bought it myself for twenty bucks. I would sell it to you, but only for five, and even then with tears in my eyes. It has a ten-core processor and internal memory of 1 terabyte.

GIRL 2

Oh, really a terabyte? Why is it so cheap?

ISAAC

I need money urgently to get home. I'll take a bank card. I have a million there.

GIRL 1

Well, if you don't bring it back in the evening, don't come in the morning.

GIRL 1 takes out a wad of bills and counts out three thousand rubles. She hands it to ISAAC. In exchange, she takes the iPhone.

GIRL 1

What's your name?

ISAAC

ISAAC Bender.

GIRL 2

(laughs)

Maybe Ostap Bender?

ISAAC

No. Ostap is my grandfather. More precisely, my great-grandfather, and I am ISAAC.

ISAAC approaches A BOY, who is standing in place with a sad face, and hands him 1000 rubles. The boy wipes away his tears and takes the money.

ISAAC

Keep it and remember, ISAAC is honest. ISAAC said it – ISAAC did it.

A BOY

You said two?!

ISAAC

In the evening, and now it's morning. Your offer is still valid… Now tell me, where can one check in for the night around here?

A BOY

In the morning – at the janitors, and in the evening – with those prostitutes.

The yard is surrounded by multi-storey Khrushchev buildings, and in the middle of the yard stands an old three-story building with a sign that reads: "HOME FOR PENSIONERS". The caretaker Tikhon, drunk in a yellow jacket, is sleeping on a bench. Isaac approaches him and nudges him with his foot like a sack. Tikhon wakes up and sits up.

CARETAKER

What's the matter? Who are you?

ISAAC

Puss in Boots.

CARETAKER

Phew.

ISAAC

Shall we go to the store? We can explain things there.

Isaac and caretaker Tikhon exit the store. Isaac is holding a shopping bag in his hands.

CARETAKER

Let's talk somewhere else. May I light up a cigarette?!

Isaac hands a filtered cigarette to the caretaker and flicks the lighter. The caretaker lights up.

ISAAC

Are there grooms needed in your city, father? You have brides?

CARETAKER

To whom and the bride's palm.

ISAAC

In this house, there is a bride?

CARETAKER

We have a state poorhouse here, a nursing home. Old

women live there. They all have full board. Some of them even remember the czar.

ISAAC

These are the ones who were born before historical socialism?

CARETAKER

You're right.

ISAAC and the CARETAKER are sitting at the table in the kandeyka. There is a bag with a bottle of port wine and a snack on the table.

ISAAC

Dad, it wouldn't hurt to have a little wine?

CARETAKER

Please, treat yourself?!

ISAAC

So I'll stay the night at your place?

CARETAKER

Live your whole life if you're a good person.

ISAAC takes out the bottle and opens it with his teeth. He pours into a glass and a mug. He sees a close-up shot of a gilded strainer lying on the table. He takes it and puts it in his pocket.

ISAAC

What was here in the old regime?

CARETAKER

The chairman of the obkoma (regional committee) used to live here. The son of the barin (nobleman) himself, Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov.

ISAAC

Bourgeois?

CARETAKER

You're the bourgeois. The leader of the nobility, and your son is a communist. The chairman of the regional committee.

ISAAC

Proletarian, that's what it means?

CARETAKER

You're a proletarian yourself. It was said to you: Chairman. And then when the Union collapsed, you became an entrepreneur. The local police officer paid you respect.

ISAAC

Oh, really?!

CARETAKER

You come to him, let's say, on New Year's with congratulations, he gives you a three-ruble note. At Easter, let's say, I'll tell you – another three-ruble note. He promised to present me with a labor medal. He kept saying: Tikhon, consider yourself already with a medal. He didn't make it in time. The Union collapsed.

ISAAC

And do they give a medal for housekeeping service these days?

CARETAKER

Not anymore, they used to give it in the past. And then they tried the son.

ISAAC

How come?

CARETAKER

Just like that. When the Union collapsed, he embezzled all the money from the regional committees and invested it into a business.

ISAAC

Oh really?! And what, was he tried for that?

CARETAKER

And then… He was tried with asset confiscation. And given ten years of hard labor… That's why I'm leaving! MATFYEY! He escaped from the prison?

ISAAC

Who did?

CARETAKER

Well, the grandson of Ippolit Matveevich, they call him Matfey, in honor of his father and grandfather.

ISAAC

Understood. And then what happened?

CARETAKER

I'm not even from the prison! But he…

The front door is opened and the maid MATFYEY enters..

MATFYEY

Hello, Tikhon. I'm not from the zone at all. What got into your head? Have you prepared the goods?

ISAAC

However, with release. You are welcome to our shack!

MATFYEY

I am not from prison or the zone at all! I sell honey at the bee market.

CARETAKER

And what about the court?

MATFYEY

Have you completely lost your mind from the port wine?! First of all, Tikhon, I was there as a witness, not as a defendant. They were judging my dad. Who choked in prison.

CARETAKER

Yeah, that's what I'm saying, he choked in prison.

MATFYEY

Now I came from the collective farm market to visit my late grandmother.

CARETAKER

Our market is called Paris.

ISAAC

My last name is Bender. Have you heard of it? So you must be from Paris?

MATFYEY

No, I haven't heard of it.

ISAAC

Well, how could they know the name Isaac B- Ostap- Suleiman- Bert- Maria- Bender in Paris?!

MATFYEY

Berta-Maria… Complete nonsense. I didn't come from Paris, and even less so from the zone.

ISAAC

Wonderful, wonderful. From Morshansk. It's warm now in Paris?

MATFYEY

At the market? You know what, I'll go now.

ISAAC

You have nowhere to hurry. The FSB will come after you themselves.

MATFYEY

I don't understand you.

ISAAC

And you will understand now. Sit down. Which border did you cross? Polish, Finnish, Romanian?

MATFYEY

I swear, I am a Russian citizen. I can show you my passport.

MATFYEY takes out his passport and waves it in front of ISAAC's face. ISAAC snatches the passport from Matfey's hands and starts flipping through it.

ISAAC

Given the modern development of digital technology, creating a Russian passport is a piece of cake. So, A: there is an emigrant who returned from Paris to his hometown. B: the emigrant is afraid that the FSB will take him away.

MATFYEY

I am not an emigrant!

ISAAC

Then who are you? Why did you come here?

MATFYEY

I came here on business!

ISAAC

What kind of business?

MATFYEY

On personal business! And to pick up honey on the way. That's why I came to Tikhon's place.

ISAAC

Hey! On personal business! And after this, you say you are not an emigrant! Are you going to confess or continue to resist?

MATFYEY

(To Tikhon)

Who is this?

Tikhon shrugs. Matfey turns to the operator and gestures to the imaginary audience. The operator takes a close-up shot.

MATFYEY (continuing.)

Well! After all, it's difficult without an assistant, and this crook seems to be a big one. He could be useful.

ISAAC

You said something?

MATFYEY

That's me talking to myself. I like to talk to a smart and honest person.

ISAAC

That's about me?

MATFYEY

Of course,… Alright, I will tell you the secret of my mother-in-law… So, I am standing behind the counter selling honey…

MATFYEY is standing behind the counter at the indoor market, selling homemade honey and bootleg vodka under the table.

The peasant approaches and looks around.

PEASANT

Do you have vodka?

MATFYEY

If on credit, then there is none.

The peasant hands over the money. Matfey takes it and gives a bottle wrapped in a black bag. A boy runs up.

A BOY

Matfey, Uncle Tikhon said that your mother-in-law is dying. He is calling for you.

MATFYEY

What, right now?

A BOY

Yes, she is dying soon!

Matfey quickly takes off his apron and walks out from behind the counter. He turns to his neighbor.

MATFYEY (continuing.)

You watch?! … Where is she?

A BOY

Mother-in-law?

MATFYEY

No. Santa Claus. Don't play the fool?!

A BOY

In bed, at the shelter?!

MATFYEY

Why didn't you bring her?! You are the one who drives carts, don't you? … Just kidding…

END OF MEMORY

CHAPTER 3

Matfey approaches the door of his mother-in-law's bedroom, and immediately a priest in a black, faded cassock comes out of it, holding a large wooden cross in his hands.

MATFYEY

You?

PRIEST FEDOR

My respects.

MATFYEY

She is an atheist communist?!

PRIEST FEDOR

Now she is not.

MATFYEY

Why is the cross wooden? It used to be golden?

PRIEST FEDOR

That's the way it should be. Gold consumes the soul. Confessed. Pure soul. Be brave, Matfey.

END OF MEMORY

MATFYEY enters the women's room, where there are four beds with elderly pensioners lying on them. His mother-in-law is lying on one of the beds, on the verge of death. PRIEST FEDOR remains behind the door, eavesdropping on the conversation.

MOTHER-IN-LAW

MATFYEY! Come closer to me. I must reveal an important secret to you.

MATFYEY

I am all ears!

MOTHER-IN-LAW

Do you remember our Italian living room set on Tarasovka in the 17th century?

MATFYEY

I remember it well. A sofa and a dozen chairs.

MOTHER-IN-LAW

I sewed the key to the safety deposit box, where my diamonds are kept, into the seat of the chair.

MATFYEY

Did they not confiscate them then? During the search?

MOTHER-IN-LAW

When my husband called and said that there was a search conducted by the federal agents in his office, I hid his presents in the safety deposit box, in a nominee's name, and sewed the key to it in the chair.

MATFYEY

Your diamonds? Why didn't you give them to me?

MOTHER-IN-LAW

How could I give you the diamonds when you spent my daughter's dowry on heroin, hid it in the office, and framed my husband by giving false testimony to the investigator that he was a drug lord? As a result, he was sentenced to 25 years in prison and all our possessions were confiscated. And my beloved died suddenly from a heart attack in prison.

MATFYEY

Planting 700 billion euros' worth of diamonds in the chair! In a chair that no one knows who sits on it!

MOTHER-IN-LAW

There's a key there, idiot.

MATFYEY

What?

MATFYEY turns around and sees his dead mother-in-law.

END OF MEMORY

PRIEST FEDOR steps away from the bedroom door where MATFYEY's mother-in-law died and rushes away.

END OF MEMORY

PRIEST FEDOR quickly walks through the courtyard.

END OF MEMORY

PRIEST FEDOR stands and shaves his beard. His wife approaches him with a surprised look.

PRIEST’S WIFE

Fyodor! What have you done to yourself, huh?

PRIEST FEDOR

Listen carefully, foolish woman. Just don't tell anyone! I confessed to Mrs. Vorobyannikova's mother-in-law, she opened up to me that on Rublevka, in their cottage, in one of the living room chairs, the key to the safety deposit box where her husband's diamond gifts were hidden. She bequeathed these diamonds to me!

PRIEST’S WIFE

To you?

PRIEST FEDOR

To me! Soon we will start living in a new way and start our own candle factory and something else as well.

Matfey sits with a gloomy expression, while Isaac looks at him attentively. The swaying caretaker enters with a broom and stops at the door. Isaac stands up, approaches him, and gives him a bill. The caretaker bows and leaves..

ISAAC

Diamonds!

MATFYEY

I will find, I will definitely find!

ISAAC

I think all this music is worth now, one and a 1 500 000 000.

MATFYEY

Is it really that much?

ISAAC

No less! Just spit on it all.

MATFYEY

How to spit?

ISAAC

With saliva. It won't work. Your headset burned out in the ovens a long time ago.

Matfey grabs his heart.

MATFYEY

What?

ISAAC

Calm down! I am taking care of it. By the way, we need to sign a little contract. In case of treasure realization, I, as a technical director, receive 60 percent.

MATFYEY

This is robbery in broad daylight!

ISAAC

And how much did you think of offering?

MATFYEY

At least 5 percent, 10, finally.

ISAAC

You want me to work for free, and even give you the key to the apartment where the money is hidden?

MATFYEY

"In that case, I have reason to believe that I can handle the matter on my own.

ISAAC

In that case, I have no less reason to believe that I can handle your business on my own.

MATFYEY

Swindler!

ISAAC

Listen, you, Mister from Paris, do you know that your diamonds are almost in my pocket, and you only interest me to the extent that I want to provide for your old age.

MATFYEY

20 percent.

ISAAC

Yes, and my expenses.

MATFYEY

25!

ISAAC

And the key to the apartment!

MATFYEY

30 percent!

ISAAC

Well, okay! Out of respect for your past communist noble descent, I am willing to work for a pathetic 40 percent.

MATFYEY

That's 600,000,000 euros!

ISAAC

You are quite a vulgar person. You love money more than necessary.

MATFYEY

And you don't love them?

ISAAC

No!

MATFYEY

Then why do you need 600 million?

ISAAC

Out of principle. Well, has the ice been broken?

MATFYEY

Cheater!

ISAAC

What?

"ISAAC turns to the operator in a close-up and gestures to the audience..

ISAAC(continuing.)

The ice has been broken, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I will be commanding the parade!

CHAPTER 4

PRIEST FEDOR holds an iPhone in front of him and communicates through gestures via video call.

PRIEST FEDOR

Have you received the money on the card? … Well, Alexander Yakovlevich, we have a deal. Leave the chair on the backs. Fill it with boxes, debris. And I will pick it up at lunchtime when there are no office workers in the yards.

PRIEST’S WIFE

Fedyo, the scrub is ready, let's go feast.

ISAAC rushes into Kandeyka's room and sits at the table. He starts eating food intensively. MATFYEY rinses his soapy head. A drunk CARETAKER is sleeping on the sofa.

ISAAC

Good morning, leader! I have some good news: the first chair has been found.

MATFYEY

Oh my God!

ISAAC

The chair is located here, in your former apartments. Finish your morning toilet and we will get down to business.

MATFYEY

Я готов!

ISAAC

I see. But we will need the one with whom we will appear as gentlemen …

MATFYEY

Tikhon will go.

ISAAC

Play along with me…

ISAAC nudges the sleeping drunk CARETAKER.

ISAAC (continuing.)

Hey, Tikhon, wake up. Remember how you lost to me?

CARETAKER

No?!

ISAAC

You foolishly lost your soul to me, and now you will serve me until I see fit to release you…MATFYEY is witness.

MATFYEY

Yes, yes, yes… I saw it. We played. You lost …

CARETAKER

Oh, my life, my tin… I must, I surrender, with all my belongings..

We see a panorama of the conference hall on the big screen. On the stage there is a table, and on the table there is a synthesizer and a laptop. The head of the second home for pensioners, SHELTER, ALEXANDER YAKOVLEVICH, approaches the table. He sighs deeply, strokes the laptop, wipes away a tear, and makes a pitiful face..

ALEXANDER YAKOVLEVICH

Oh Lord! I am the head of the second home for pensioners SHELTER, and I was a shy thief. My whole being protests against theft, but I cannot help but steal. I steal and I am so ashamed. I steal constantly and constantly I am ashamed…

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