Stavl Zosimov
Isak Rules Again

CHAPTER 1

Adaptation of the novel "The Golden Calf" by Ilf and Petrov.

In Kandeyka, MATFYEY (Kitty), Pop Fedor, HACKER, and CARETAKER Tikhon are sitting at the table, drinking. ISAAC enters. Everyone turns and freezes in anticipation, with blank faces..

ISAAC

What's up, homeless guys, missed me?

MATFYEY

I did not.

ISAAC

Well, you clearly did. Vex bewitched us with his mother-in-law. And she just screwed us over, in your face.

CARETAKER

And I'm glad! Now, at least I won't have to listen to your whining. ISAAC is in charge again and will come up with something. Right?

ISAAC

How to say?!

CARETAKER

Otherwise, why did you come to me?

ISAAC

Rightly said, Tikhon. To you, and not to these noobs who settled here for free, like orphans in a shelter. Why are they even hanging out here? Is this some kind of club for anonymous losers? Do they even pay you for accommodation?

CARETAKER

No, they even eat at my expense for now. Well, except for HACKER. He at least helps sweep the yards in the morning.

MATFYEY

Tikhon, we had an agreement that as soon as I get back on my feet, I'll give you everything?

ISAAC

And what did the priest promise you, a ticket to Heaven?

PRIEST FEDOR

Do not blaspheme, Satan!

ISAAC

Whose cow is mooing now? Have you redeemed your cross, holy man? Take an example from HACKER. He keeps silent and seems smarter.

CARETAKER

ISAAC, forgive me, but HACKER is mine.

ISAAC

Of course, Tikhon. What are you talking about? You owe, not your vassal.

ISAAC walks up to the table like a boss, pushes Pop Fedor off the chair, and sits down. He props his feet up on the corner of the table, like an American.

ISAAC (CONTINUED)

Well, gentlemen comrades, do you want to make some easy money? Then listen and don't interrupt. Tikhon and I will be in charge.

MATFYEY

And what does he have to do with it?

PRIEST FEDOR

I'll pass. But I'll listen out of curiosity. Maybe I'll even agree.

ISAAC

Sure, please. There are no secrets in anything.

At the table in the Kandeyka, there are MATFYEY, also known as Kitty, the caretaker Tikhon himself, his servant HACKER, and of course, ISAAC. ISAAC is sitting in the most prominent seat, with his feet resting on the corner of the table next to a bottle of alcohol.

ISAAC

In our city, a new insurance company 'Albatross' has opened. And guess who the owner is?

ISAAC takes out a newspaper from his pocket and shows an advertisement. CARETAKER Tikhon takes out his iPhone and dials a number.

ISAAC (CONTINUED)

Oh, an iPhone? Tikhon, where did you get it from?

CARETAKER

And this is Ale… GIRL, is this the Albatross company?.. I saw your advertisement. Do you provide insurance for accidents?.. I work at a construction site.

GIRL

(on the screen)

Yes. But the initial payment is 2000 rubles, and in case of death, relatives can receive 1,000,000 rubles. And if someone falls ill, they will receive sick leave and financial compensation.

ISAAC

(to CARETAKER)

Ask them what they will provide for a fracture?

CARETAKER

And in case of a fracture, considering that I work at a construction site?!

GIRL

За перелом разной тяжести можно получить от 5000 до 500000 рублей.

CARETAKER

Wow. Without further ado, let's insure HACKER and 'accidentally' break his pinkie finger first. Especially since he's currently working at the construction site instead of me.

ISAAC

HACKER knows how to build?

CARETAKER

No, he's a programmer. He simply helps me clean up the construction site from construction debris. The owner is Bruns, he's good at bribing.

HACKER

(frightened)

But I'm against it.

MATFYEY

What for?

HACKER

I don't want anyone to break anything for me.

CARETAKER

Who is asking you?! Don't forget about the eternal debt?

AND Caretaker Tikhon lunges at HACKER with his fists.

CARETAKER (CONTINUED)

I'll remind you. And I might as well break your finger while I'm at it.

HACKER

(crying)

I agree, just get him away from me. I need painkillers.\"\\n\"\n"I hope everything is okay in this scenario! Let me know if you need any more assistance.

ISAAC

(смеясь)

Tikhon, wait. Don't we need to insure him first? But where can we get the initial payment? Oh! Tikhon, how about we pawn your iPhone for a while? And at the office, you can say it's being repaired?!

CARETAKER

Fuck a question.

MATFYEY

At least there will be initial capital, and we can start a fresh business in the market. Forgive me, ISAAC, for my lack of trust.

ISAAC

Hacker's brother deserves some insurance. Who's in favor? Oh, even Father Fyodor has signed up?

PRIEST FEDOR

With God, it's easier to bear pain. What if he dies from the pain, and I immediately confess him?! And then, I also have to return the church lands and the cross.

HACKER

What?

ISAAC

No one is going to die. The priest is joking. We will just break you once or twice, enough to cover the ransom for Kitty's spot in the market, by the casino.

MATFYEY

ISAAC, just don't get tempted yourself. The casino is contagious.

ISAAC

Don't worry about me. Better worry about him… He will run away as soon as he leaves here. And he might even betray. But we need him to voluntarily go to the insurance company and insure himself. And then come back here.

PRIEST FEDOR

My son, HACKER. Jesus endured and commanded us. You are sent to save us. Do not look at these hypocrites. They are human trash.

MATFYEY

(in a criminal rage)

What did you say?

ISAAC

(to Matvey)

Calm down, Kitty. Get yourself together.

PRIEST FEDOR

This world is not the one to cherish, but the one of our God. You must do this, as it is written: the Savior will come and give himself to Satan, but your soul is already in heaven. I have redirected it. And the more pain you endure, the closer you will sit next to God when you die.

ISAAC

(To Father Fyodor)

Listen, maybe you could go to the office with him? And make sure he does everything right. And then you're in the share?! The main thing is for everything to be legal. I won't tolerate any crime.

HACKER

I agree with you, ISAAC, if you give me a guarantee that you will return my computer.

CARETAKER

And me an iPhone.

ISAAC

Of course, we will need internet and communication for further advancement. I have a grand idea, and the finger is just the first step.

CHAPTER 2

At the table sits GIRL, HACKER, and PRIEST FEDOR. The printer is printing. GIRL takes the papers from the printer and hands them to HACKER.

GIRL

Here are the checkmarks, please sign.

HACKER looks at Priest Fedor's backside.

PRIEST FEDOR

Do as you are told.

HACKER signs and hands the papers to the girl.

GIRL

Holy Father, will you also insure your life?

PRIEST FEDOR

No. I am just his godfather.

GIRL

Congratulations, here is your insurance policy from our insurance company.

In the caretaker's apartment, ISAAC, MATFYEY, and PRIEST FEDOR are sitting in the corner. CARETAKER Tikhon enters with HACKER, who has a bandaged ring finger. CARETAKER takes out an envelope from his pocket and hands it to ISAAC. ISAAC takes the envelope and looks inside.

ISAAC

What is this?

CARETAKER

Insurance.

ISAAC

Oh… You already got yours?

HACKER

No way?! All 20,000 there.

MATFYEY

Wow, and that's just for a finger? What would they give if HACKER broke his leg?

HACKER

Maybe it's your turn to be the victim? Otherwise you're just talking nonsense, licking ISAAC's ass and cutting joints.

MATFYEY

Who are you drooling over, mandavoshka?

ISAAC

Calm down Kitty, sit down. Investors need to be respected and tolerated in their own way.

(to HACKER)

And you are punished for sabotage in the brigade. If you want a computer, break yourself whatever you want, buy a computer and get the hell out of here. Kitty can still make money without you.

HACKER

No, wait, ISAAC. You misunderstood. I simply answered Kitty in a boyish way. Stop pinching me. I can also push a toothpick into his sleepy ear and clear his brains.

Everyone is laughing.

CARETAKER

What's up, guys, can't you see the dude is getting up.

ISAAC

And that's right, but you need to know where to roar and where to bark… Okay… Forget it. So, Kitty, write it down in your notebook – minus 5,000 for an iPhone and minus 10,000 for a computer with internet.

PRIEST FEDOR

5000? Didn't you say you pawned the iPhone for 2000?

ISAAC

And the interest, don't you care about everything, huh, dandy?

PRIEST FEDOR

Well, then you just need to break something else?

ISAAC

What am I talking about?

Everyone is looking at the HACKER.

HACKER

Why are you all looking at me like that?

In the ward, HACKER lies half-sitting on the bed with his leg in a cast and a bandaged finger. There's a laptop on his crotch and he's looking at something on it.

At the outdoor table sit: ISAAC, MATFYEY, and PRIEST FEDOR. Each of them has a glass of plain water in front of them.

ISAAC

Speaking of childhood. In my childhood, I used to kill people like you on the spot with my slingshot.

PRIEST FEDOR

Why, boss?

MATFYEY

Another suck-up has been found. Only I can call ISAAC the boss.

ISAAC

Such are the harsh laws of life. Life dictates its harsh laws. Why did you, holy father, meddle in the casino? Wasn't what you got from the parish enough?

PRIEST FEDOR

I thought, boss…

MATFYEY

Well look at this ass.

ISAAC

You thought! Are you a thinker? What's your last name, thinker? Jean-Jacques Rousseau? Marcus Aurelius? Spinoza? Alright, live. I forgive you.

PRIEST FEDOR

Thank you very much, boss…

ISAAC

MATFYEY, shut up. My ass is enough for everyone to kiss… Let's get acquainted, otherwise we never got the chance, in pursuit of mother-in-law's panties.

PRIEST FEDOR

You are right, boss. After all, we are brothers in Christ…

Tikhon the caretaker approaches with a broom and dustpan. He sits down nearby.

ISAAC

You wanted to say that we are lads, not bots, and kinship obliges. My name is ISAAC Bender. Let me know your first surname?

PRIEST FEDOR

Father Fyodor by name, but according to the passport: Fyodor Satanevich.

ISAAC

Satanovich? Cool… I won't ask about your profession, I can guess it's something intellectual. You've had a lot of convictions this year?

PRIEST FEDOR

Two… And even Satan got confused. Lost a gold cross and church lands in the casino.

ISAAC

That's not good. It's a dirty business, judging. I mean theft. Stealing is sinful, especially from the church. Did your mom introduce you to this doctrine? Besides, it's a waste of energy. Look, see, there goes a man in a straw hat?

PRIEST FEDOR

I see. And what about it?

ISAAC

That's the governor of Borneo Island?

CARETAKER

No. That's the owner of the butcher's shop.

The iPhone beeps. ISAAC looks and immediately smiles.

MATFYEY

What's there?

ISAAC

Greetings from HACKER. His insurance payment has been credited to my account. 200,000 rublesй.

CARETAKER

Can we order something?! And then I want to eat.

ISAAC

Go and order at your discretion and say that it’s non-cash. Let the terminal be brought here.

CARETAKER Tikhon gets up and leaves.

MATFYEY

What was I thinking, boss? If you slowly break HACKER like this, then, in principle, you will have a constant income.

PRIEST FEDOR

And if you slam it down right away, you can immediately cut down the lams.

ISAAC

You are both dudes, the children of a dude and your children will be dudes. Boys! What happened was not

even an episode, but an accident. Gentleman looking for hundreds of thousands. And in general, what kind of profession is this, breaking the bones of your comrades in order to eat fat in a restaurant for their insurance? One hundred pounds, Tikhon will now order boiled pork with smoked sausages.

PRIEST FEDOR

What to do??

MATFYEY

Well, yes?

ISAAC

Within a year or two, your red locks will blend in and people will just start hitting you.

CHAPTER 3

ISAAC, MATFYEY, and PRIEST FEDOR are sitting at a street table with empty glasses in front of them. The CARETAKER returns with a tray of a kilogram piece of bologna and sausages scattered around it. Behind him is the WAITER with a mobile terminal. Tikhon puts the tray in the middle and sits down contentedly in his place..

CARETAKER

We are going to feast now?!

WAITER

Perhaps you'd like to order something else, a drink maybe.

ISAAC

Yes. Whiskey, Coca-Cola, and Borodinsky bread.

MATFYEY

And roasted potatoes.

ISAAC pays, and the WAITER leaves.

PRIEST FEDOR

How to earn daily bread, except for insurance?

ISAAC

One must think. For me, for example, only ideas feed me.

The TAXI DRIVER pulls up.

TAXI DRIVER

(shouting)

Hey, let's ride! Citizens, taxi is available! Please get in! Prices are reduced by 10-12%! If you don't want to – you'll regret it! I swear by my mother!

The TAXI DRIVER drives away.

ISAAC

Note everything, for every vitamin fed, I will require a multitude of small services. You, I see, selflessly love money. Tell me, what amount do you like? Let's start with Father Fedor.

PRIEST FEDOR

$40000.

ISAAC

Per month?

PRIEST FEDOR

Per year.

ISAAC

We are not on the same page. I need $500,000 at once, not in parts.

CARETAKER

Maybe you will take it in parts after all?

ISAAC

I would take it in parts, but I need it all at once.

PRIEST FEDOR

Why do you need so much money all at once?

ISAAC

Actually, I need more. $500,000 is my minimum. I want to leave, Comrade Satanevich. Leave far away, to Rio de Janeiro.

MATFYEY

Do you have any relatives there?

ISAAC

Do I look like someone who could have relatives? I have no relatives, I am alone in this world. I had a grandfather, or rather a great-grandfather, the son of a Turkish subject, Ostap Suleiman-Berta-Maria-Bender-bey, but he passed away long ago in terrible convulsions. Since childhood, I have wanted to go to Rio de Janeiro, just like he did.

PRIEST FEDOR

Understandable.

CARETAKER

It's hereditary.

ISAAC

Of course, you are not aware of the existence of this city?

PRIEST FEDOR

As if I don't know. Do you take me for an idiot.

Isaac flicks through the screen of his iPhone and displays the photo gallery of Rio de Janeiro. The Pope looks at the screen with admiration.

ISAAC

Вот. Зацените, святой отец.

PRIEST FEDOR

Pardon… The population of the city of Rio de Janeiro in 2021 is 6,453,682 people… Oh wow?!

ISAAC

Rio de Janeiro is one of the 110 cities in Brazil and ranks as the second most populous city in Brazil and on the coast of the ocean. The main streets with their wealth of shops are not inferior to the top cities in the world. Can you imagine, Fyodor, not inferior! Mulattos, millionaires, coffee exports! The annual carnival, where a large part of the population dresses in different costumes and takes to the streets. It lasts for five days: from Friday to Tuesday before Lent in the largest city in Brazil.

MATFYEY

And everyone engages in masked sex… I want to go there too! But where will you get 500 thousand from?

ISAAC

Wherever. Show me a wealthy individual, and I will take his money away.

CARETAKER

How? Murder?

ISAAC

You know, Tikhon, you are becoming more foolish right before our eyes. Notice, ISAAC Bender never killed anyone. He was killed at times, but he himself is innocent before the law. I am not a cherub, I have no wings, but I honor the Criminal Code. That's my weakness.

CARETAKER

How do you plan to take the money?

ISAAC

You see, it's not about the methods, gentlemen. Personally, I have about 400 relatively honest ways of taking money. The key is to find such a wealthy individual. And they exist, they must. If money is circulating in the country, then there must be people who have accumulated quite a fortune during turbulent 90s. Back then, capital was mostly gained through criminal means. The main thing is that the money is stored in our banks, not in foreign accounts. My charms are useless there.

PRIEST FEDOR

There are very rich people. These days they are trying to atone for past sins in confessions.

ISAAC

Share then, for the common cause?!

PRIEST FEDOR

I do not have the right. The confession is sacred.

MATFYEY

Speak, priest, we won't give you up to God.

PRIEST FEDOR

Keep quiet, fool. Big boys are talking about big matters here. Vampire.

MATFYEY

I'll fucking punch you in the eye right now.

ISAAC

Quiet, quiet, gentlemen. Society is around. Figure things out in Tikhon's tavern. Bets are already being taken. Tikhon, tell HACKER. Who is he betting on.

CARETAKER

Okay, boss, and I'm on Matfyey.

PRIEST FEDOR

So, Judas. I shouldn't have given you a day off on every Saturday.

CARETAKER

Forgive me, Holy Father, it's nothing personal, just business. MATFYEY looks more athletic.

ISAAC

I think it's time to move to Tikhon's tavern.

9. INТ. RF/CHELNYABINSK/MULTI-STORY COURTYARD/CANTEEN OF THE CARETAKER/MONITOR – MORNING

ISAAC, CARETAKER, PRIEST FEDOR, MATFYEY

In the tavern, ISAAC and Tikhon are sitting at the table. MATFYEY is trying to stop the bleeding on his wrist after being bitten by Father Fedor. PRIEST FEDOR is lying on the couch with a swollen eye. ISAAC is flicking a stack of money on the edge of the table. The face of HACKER is visible on the iPhone.

ISAAC

Well, I suggest that we consider the fight not yet over.

CARETAKER

Yeah. How the women grabbed each other in an embrace and kissed the hollow. My dick started to get hard.

ISAAC

Tikhon, why so rough… And what about you, HACKER?

PRIEST FEDOR

I think I have one sinner in mind.

ISAAC

What? Can you name the address and surname of the underground millionaire? The Security Service cannot find this millionaire, with his tax apparatus. And the millionaire was sitting in a cafe at the next table, drinking the same cheap beer as us.

PRIEST FEDOR

I swear, Mr. Bender.

ISAAC

Comrade Satanevich, if you switched to French, then call me not monsieur, but citoyen, which means citizen. By the way, what is the address of your millionaire?

PRIEST FEDOR

He lives near Yekaterinburg, in a village. Incognito. But deeply religious.

MATFYEY

I knew it. In a city where even before the collapse of the Soviet Union, a person with 100 rubles was considered a millionaire. And now…

CARETAKER

I can imagine it…

PRIEST FEDOR

Shut up… Idiots…

ISAAC

No, this is nonsense.

PRIEST FEDOR

No, listen. This is a real millionaire. He came to confess to me even before Matfeyev's mother-in-law did.

ISAAC

And how did he make his money?

PRIEST FEDOR

A construction financial pyramid. In the 90s, it was the most profitable business.

CARETAKER

And they didn't put him in jail? I think they either jailed or legalized everyone by now.

PRIEST FEDOR

He keeps his millions in cash. If he shows up on any accounts, they'll get him right away. He has a lot of lone pensioner corpses on his hands.

ISAAC

What is the millionaire's last name?

PRIEST FEDOR

Koreyko.

ISAAC

Koreyko?! A beautiful surname. Did you know, I have gray hair?

MATFYEY

No, boss!

ISAAC

They will come. Great battles await us. You too will grow gray.

PRIEST FEDOR

Why?

MATFYEY

How do you say it? He'll bring it on a silver platter with a blue border?

ISAAC

For me on a tray, and for you on a plate.

CARETAKER

What about Rio de Janeiro? I also want to wear white pants.

ISAAC

Rio de Janeiro, the crystalline dream of my childhood. Do not touch it with your hands. Okay, closer to the body, as Maupassant said. Set sail for the city of Vitebsk! Dress code – military. Sound the march! I will lead the parade!

CARETAKER

Are we moving right now?

ISAAC

We are, but you're not.

CARETAKER

Why, boss?

ISAAC

Who will take care of the HACKER? And besides, it will benefit us more if the HACKER gets stuck online than if he messes up in real life.

HACKER

I'm of the same opinion. I'll also dig into the archives. Maybe I'll find something on this Koreyko.

ISAAC

So be it, we'll resolve it that way.

MATFYEY

And the money for the fight. After all, I won it?

ISAAC

Don't talk nonsense. We'll get to Yekaterinburg with the money. And whoever is against it can sniff tar here, in polluted Chelyabinsk.

In the room, there is an old refrigerator, a table, a chair, and a simple dormitory bed with a nightstand nearby, like in hospitals. KOREYKO (45) is doing morning exercises. He approaches the refrigerator and drinks a raw egg. Then he eats the eggshell..

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