Yulia Pirumova
Fragile People: a Hidden Door into the World of Narcissists

Preface

I have noticed lately how people are getting increasingly interested in the phenomenon of narcissism. But what is there to say on the matter that has not been said before? It is obvious that narcissists are troublesome and dangerous to their close ones.

Among this choir, there are yet voices that are not only willing to diagnose and condemn narcissism but also tell the story behind the psychological drama determining narcissists' character and the suffering they are prone to. I will write about narcissism from this point of view. But I would like to stress the essential: whatever psychological constitution we are characterized by, we are much more than our diagnoses, features of the character, and adaptation abilities. We are even more than the suffering that lies at the heart of all this. Thus, drawing on the character, the reasons behind it, coping strategies of a narcissist, I would ask you to see an individual behind all this. Not larger or smaller, not better or worse than anybody not sharing said characteristics.

What is more, this book is not just about narcissists. It is about their “secret” order: about those who barely resemble self-centered egoists. On the contrary, they are very-very “shy”. Unconfident, full of doubt, attacking themselves in response to any blunder or mistake. Worn-out and exhausted by the demands placed on themselves. And at the same time claiming to be strong, flawless, and being able to handle everything perfectly. Such hidden, or, in other words, deficient narcissism has a variety of manifestations, which I would attempt to present clearly as a whole picture, starting from the origins…

Introduction

When I started psychotherapy practice, I could not imagine that narcissists would become the main area of my interest. Of course, I knew who they were! Like everyone else, I thought they were egoists whose sole desire was to exploit the others.

I read numerous books telling us: “Beware of narcissists, they are everywhere, and their only dream is to use you. So, arm yourself with the knowledge to deal with their horrible nature. And may the force be with you!”

It reminds me of the joke about good people joining together to beat up bad people. But back then I was still “green” in terms of psychology and also almost fell for the popular science prejudices which could lead me to demonization of narcissism. But no! The deeper I studied this phenomenon, the better understanding of the features of people with narcissistic disorder I acquired. And the more I got interested, curious and even compassionate towards those whose narcissism appeared to be so wounded that they required such exceptional protection of their fragile “self”. Moreover, I got more and more convinced that narcissism is widespread today, but it is radically different from what we have always thought of it.

The era of “gods” and fragile self-esteem

“'I'm God!' – cries Kanye West into the camera. 'You're asking me who I am? I already told you, I'm God!' Kanye West is a god of a new breed. He is the most influential rapper of the decade. Wildly popular and fabulously rich. He is married to a phenomenally popular and incredibly rich woman. People line up to get his trainers just like for a holy communion. He is a god, he's got enough media outlets to be one. Basically, that's all he needs”.[1]

In the era of gods' self-proclamation, we are forced to make ourselves worthy every day, thus, somewhat preserving our self-esteem as compared to the “successful success”. Fragile as it is, it is now checked for strength by another story of a “god” having dropped in from the sky, who managed to get it all, immediately and faultlessly. It is presented not as an exception but an ordinary and natural way: going up and never down. To become not just successful but inimitably fortunate. One of a kind. Not like anybody else. Unique…

“All” or “nothing”.

“Perfect” or “nobody”.

“The nonpareil” or “a loser”.

That is our reality, which we crash against in the attempts to assert ourselves and be somebody. We want to be perfect and invulnerable. But that makes us dependent, drained and unhappy. And very lonely…

Deep inside we want to be accepted by people. To have good relationships. We want to love and be loved. But on the way to it we are sapped by a slow-acting force – seeing ourselves as unworthy of it all. Since we are not at the top of the social success pyramid, which all social networks are full of, we feel worthless and having achieved absolutely nothing. This is a narcissistic trap set for us by the time.

We want to buy this costly ticket to enter the so much desired world of normal people, where we will be seen, valued and accepted. But time after time, we put up a velvet rope for ourselves. We have to run a hundred times faster just to stay at the same point. We are worn-out by the attempts to assert ourselves but feel that we are simply marking time. And then again devalue our way and effort. And by doing so we slide down to the very base of our personal mountain of self-esteem and self-respect, which we were hopelessly trying to climb all the time.

We are ordinary people. And often, we are not narcissists at all. But almost all of us are scared of what will happen if everyone finds out that we are not anything special. Since it seems to us that our own achievements are insufficient to legitimately consider ourselves normal. As if we are pretending to be normal. Professional, knowledgeable, able to love. At the same time being full of doubt: “Is it really so? Or will someone come tomorrow and unmask me?”

Sometimes, nothing helps us feel confident. Neither certificates, nor MBA, nor money or even recognition from our family, friends or colleagues. Our inner customs officer either does not let it all in, devaluing upon entry, or allows to enjoy it for five minutes and then throws it away beyond the limits of our psyche. So, again we have to get involved in spurious fights for our own self-esteem. Modern narcissism is widespread not as a pathology but as a background level of anxiety about one's own value.

Many-faced narcissism

Everybody knows who narcissists are.

It is true that representatives of the classical version are the very notorious self-obsessed, self-centered people, egoists with a grandiose self-image. They expect everybody to show constant admiration and recognition. And all of their resources are spent on acknowledging their own greatness and significance. Representatives of this personality type consider themselves superior to others and are willing to prove it to everyone around, demanding attention and extra-special attitude. They are absorbed exclusively in themselves, not willing to notice anyone around. For them, the only way of communicating with people is exploitation. In other words, it does not matter who you are and what you feel. If you can be of interest to a narcissist, they never refuse to use you. Otherwise, you just stay beyond their sphere of attention. The only problem is that, according to some sources, such narcissists constitute only 1 to 4 per cent of all. Too few to seriously threaten yourself with dangers of communicating with them. And that is where it gets really interesting. Since, in fact, the world is full of narcissistic people.

But not like those who you constantly hear about from the authors denouncing narcissism. And not all those who proudly wear a narcissistic crown of omnipotence, egoism, and splendor. In contrast to those who brightly manifest a narcissistic pathology, we are now surrounded by other narcissists. They will not humiliate you or show how great they are and prove to what extent they are better than you. Quite the contrary! Their narcissism is also wounded. But instead of showing off, such narcissists have chosen a different adaptation strategy. The first impression is that these people have absolutely no relation to narcissism. But it is who they are. “Secret” narcissists. People who have exceptionally fragile self-esteem and emptiness for a self-concept.

They disguise themselves and hide.

They try not to show their inferiority to anyone.

Their constant companion is total dissatisfaction with themselves and low self-esteem.

They are unable to be proud of themselves and devalue all that is good and worthy about them.

They always want to be a better version of themselves but instantly feel ashamed, inadequate or inferior.

They refuse to do anything to avoid suffering a defeat or facing a failure.

They are afraid of close relationships, but loneliness also scares them.

Their inner world is much more complex than it seems at first glance.

The “inner ear” of self-esteem

Our brain has an organ of balance and spatial orientation – the vestibular system. It helps us maintain balance when body position changes. Without it, we would move like small children or drunken people, i.e. we would not be able to coordinate our own movement. The vestibular system is a part of one's inner ear, which carefully monitors his or her position in space. Self-esteem It continuously regulates one's view of oneself, namely continuously shapes a complex picture of a person's inner world. The “inner ear” of our self-esteem registers the slightest changes in the environment and self-perception at every moment of our lives, binding and adjusting the image of our “self”. It endlessly evaluates and compares itself with others in order to have a chance to absorb the insufficient, the lack of which stops it from being good. And this very inner ear may be healthy and construct healthy self-esteem, and it may be sick, therefore, significantly distorting the real picture. is a kind of our “inner ear” which helps us navigate ourselves and maintain balance between our self-perception and those who we actually are.

Let us imagine that someone called Olga has high self-esteem, while Kate has it low. We will start with the latter, since it is her who shares the convictions about herself that are so familiar to us. So, Kate's “inner ear” would not hear anything valuable about what she has got inside. It will be impervious to acknowledgment of her virtues and the way people see her. It will ignore Kate's achievements. If she actually succeeded in something and even if it was highly appreciated by the others, her “inner ear” would make out a tiny whisper: “Anyone can do it. You were nobody and remain nobody”. From reality, this “ear” would catch only the signals that unavoidably prove Kate's “badness”, failure, and neglect from other people. It would be sending out signals of rejection, detecting it even in a neutral attitude to Kate. It would be tuned to the frequency of alienation from people and self-discrepancy anywhere she goes. It would evaluate Kate on a negative scale from total unworthiness to medium badness, without entering the positive area. In case Kate managed to make a little step to the area of “self-normality”, her “inner ear” would inevitably establish in which area she is still not good or even inferior. So, no matter how people saw her or how she performed in life, relationships or work, her “inner ear” would perceive a distorted reality in which she remains bad and there is no way for her to change it.

Olga, in this sense, would be more fortunate. Her “inner ear” works properly, as a healthy part of the vestibular system. If there is a risk of falling, our body changes its position in response to the signal of this system. It also works like this with a healthy psyche: in case something that could negatively affect Olga's self-esteem happened, her “inner ear” would be tuned to itself. Thanks to that, Olga would remember her real virtues and expect support from those around her. Olga's reality is not full of hostility and unavoidable rejection. Olga sees things as they are and is ready to “hold on” to this view.

A good vestibular system has numerous nerve endings, which send out signals of the changes in the environment. Similarly, healthy self-esteem registers all that happens internally and externally: it notices both good, adding it to personal value, and bad, trying to correct it, compensate for it, or in extreme cases – displace it. Normal self-esteem helps us correlate real virtues and limitations and also continuously intercommunicate self-image with reality. It means that Olga's inner ear does not only hear “inside itself” but also “outside itself”, continuously comparing her self-esteem with the environment. Therefore, even if her self-esteem is the highest possible, Olga would still have to see and notice how other people perceive her and react to her.

So, what does the functioning of our “inner ear” tuned to maintaining good or bad self-esteem depend on? Why does Olga's “ear” catch positive evaluations and recognition, while no matter how much you praise Kate, she would still be in the “narcissistic negative”?

What matters here is how healthy or sick one's narcissism is. In fact, healthy narcissism also exists, and it is something that provides us with a foundation for positive and stable self-perception.

Why do we need narcissism?

To trust one's mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem.

Nathaniel Branden[2]

Inside every person's psyche, there is a part responsible for self-respect and self-perception. As a special repository, it keeps everything that constitutes our self-esteem and helps to maintain it. That is narcissism, which is essential to all of us. Thanks to it, we have a stable self-concept and an understanding of who we are.

But before we actually start to understand anything about ourselves and evaluate our own personality, we need to accumulate enough initial narcissism, which is presented to us by our close ones. We will carry these savings with us as we go through life, gaining more and more information about ourselves. These narcissistic savings accumulate throughout life, enhancing our knowledge of ourselves. It becomes fuller, more diverse, and includes not only our abilities and talents but also our limitations. All that provides us with an opportunity to maintain a realistic view on ourselves and develop healthy self-esteem.

Healthy self-esteem functions the way a piggy bank works: parents invest in us the loving looks, positive reflection, support of our hobbies and talents, recognition of our abilities and pride in our achievements. As they are collected, our “self” becomes more stable and gets healthier. We obtain knowledge about ourselves, our place in this world and relationships with others, our abilities and talents. We develop self-awareness and start relationships with people based on our desires and needs. We can forgive ourselves for the mistakes made and learn lessons from any experience. Thanks to all that, our life potential is growing, and we are enriching ourselves.

However, there is also a reverse side of the coin: the fewer investments we have received, the less healthy narcissism we have gained. Instead of savings, we might have plain deficiency for all what is left of our childhood. All narcissistic disorders are shaped exactly in this area of emptiness and deficiency: it is not limited to not feeling loved or valued. Such people sometimes do not sense themselves at all without constant confirmation of their own value and significance.

Narcissism is not just an area where self-esteem appears, is being maintained and adjusted. It is also an essential psychological need of every person. Thus, it is natural to:

• want attention and positive feedback;

• want to be recognized and respected;

• want a realistic reflection from other people;

• be good for others;

• have merits, success and be proud of them;

• be aware of your talents, abilities, and limitations;

• set short-term and long-term goals for yourself and make plans;

• consider how valuable you are for the others;

• see the value of other people to you;

• continuously increase self-awareness, the understanding of your needs and abilities;

• present your talents and skills to the world;

• enjoy what you have inside and share it with the others.

All of these are natural and normal needs of every person! And as a whole, they are features of healthy narcissism, the inexhaustible source of self-respect and continuous confirmation of self-worth.

However, I am sure you would agree that not all of us are lucky to have such narcissism. On the contrary: almost everyone today is having difficulty fulfilling these needs, some to a greater extent, some – to a lesser. Let us explore various manifestations of narcissism.

The narcissism scale

Imagine a horizontal scale with divisions, numbered -100 to +100. The far-right point will indicate the abovementioned healthy narcissism as a state of narcissistic norm and integrity. I assume that such people exist. That they really have no problems with their self-esteem, self-respect, and self-perception. Stressing the word “really”. Since there is abundance of those who compensate for inferiority claiming that “they're fine” in a purely external manner. Healthy narcissism as a deep normality, as a feeling of dignity accompanied by adequate reliance on one's own achievements and experience is a rare but a factually existing phenomenon.

Picture 1. Narcissism scale

Let us assume that +100 point of the scale is a narcissistic norm and then mentally move left. Imagine: at the far-right point, a person is full of self-worth, significance, able to evaluate their virtues adequately, while as we move left, the richness of narcissistic resources is gradually transformed into emptiness and deficiency. The closer to the left edge of our scale the person is, the lower self-esteem they have, therefore, the stronger the defense, the weaker the feeling of one's value and significance. The deeper the feeling of worthlessness and inferiority, the more they want to suppress and hide it for the sake of preserving themselves.

The -100 point, which is associated with the extreme degree of narcissistic pathology, indicates malignant narcissism. Let us assume that the whole range of such disorders lies between -100 and 0. Such people's narcissism is so wounded that it seriously distorts reality, in which they fight for the right to be absolutely grandiose and independent, magnificent and unique. And since this area is quite pathological, the means they choose for the protection of their humble “self” are far from graceful or appropriate. You must have heard quite a few bloodcurdling stories about narcissistic perverts and psychopaths, psychologically abusing those around them.

And now I will speak to you with the intonation of a tourist guide:

“Look to your right – there are rare lucky people with healthy narcissism. They live, reach their goals, communicate with other people, and can be very happy indeed. And then look to your left and again see a similarly rare category of people: representatives of pathological or malignant narcissism. They can also be quite happy. It is their close ones who are suffering. The narcissists themselves do not care, they just live their lives. And now let us look at the middle of our scale and meet narcissistic 'neurotics'. That is where the majority of us are…”

This area includes combinations of various narcissistic features, qualities, and states. We cannot say that people displaying such qualities have a narcissistic personality disorder. Yet they share common features, which I will be describing in all the subsequent parts of this book.

These people have a lack of healthy narcissism, which hinders self-awareness and fulfillment of their potential. Even a slight deficiency in the sphere of narcissism might recurrently bring us into quite an unpleasant state of self-discrepancy, inferiority, unworthiness, our own “badness” as compared to other people. We may feel extremely anxious about the fact that our life is passing by, but we still do not “measure up” or have not achieved anything. That is how narcissistic neurosis begins, a widely spread phenomenon of today that does not let us live, create, love, and work in peace…

Narcissistic vulnerability

According to the narcissism scale, it is evident that although the majority of us are not extreme narcissists, we are still far from healthy narcissism. It means that all of us regularly enter the area of narcissistic vulnerability, which is associated with our self-esteem falling apart under the pressure of life's problems and failures. None of us is able to live without narcissistic losses. And to recover and once again become good for ourselves, we need time and mental work.

However, there are people (including me) who are especially vulnerable as far as self-esteem and dignity are concerned.

It is typical of us to get filled with shame when we attempt to compare ourselves with the others or in case one of our flaws is revealed.

We are used to cowering when someone is looking at us.

We are constantly criticizing ourselves and are always ready to blame ourselves for any misfortune or failure.

We do not belong to the community of people who we classify as normal.

We are striving to measure up, but we fail.

We are afraid of intimate relationships. We are afraid of rejection.

We are afraid that our feelings will go out of control.

We are afraid to lose control.

We are afraid to lose.

We are afraid…

We are vulnerable but ashamed of it, as we demand from ourselves to be mature in such a way that we would never care about other people.

We want to do everything perfectly but are unable to make a single step, since we are afraid that a failure will ruin our self-esteem, which we piece together every time with such difficulty.

We want to be with people but every time stand aside, feeling inferior and unworthy with every cell of our bodies.

When we are being arrogant, we are actually protecting ourselves from the look of disgust, which we are so afraid to see on other people's faces.

We attack ourselves in response to any blunder or failure to meet the ideal standard that we can find in any of our actions and even thoughts.

We treat ourselves mercilessly and ruthlessly, since otherwise, we might slack off and become “wimps”.

We are striving to be normal and pretend that we do not need anyone.

But it does not work every time.

We are just “fragile” people.

Narcissistic people

So, what does it mean to be a modern narcissist?

A famous psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams[3] believes that “the term 'narcissistic' refers to people whose personalities are organized around maintaining their self-esteem by getting affirmation from outside themselves… In some of us concerns with 'narcissistic supplies,' or supports to self-esteem, eclipse other issues to such an extent that we may be considered excessively self-preoccupied. Terms like 'narcissistic personality' and 'pathological narcissism' apply to the disproportionate degree of self-concern, not to ordinary responsiveness to approval and sensitivity to criticism.”

It means to feel overwhelmingly inferior and inappropriate in everything you do.

It means to drown in constant anxiety about tremendous opportunities around you – and all passing by. Thinking that everyone is able to grow, go up, climb, and only you have nothing but are supposed to have everything, since you are “special”.

It means to be under the illusion that you are able to achieve everything you have ever wanted. In such a way that the results would be unique and magnificent.

It means to constantly compare yourself with the others and always punish yourself for “losing”.

It means to be filled with dismay and boredom all the time.

That is how we go into our own personal “paralysis”: we must be magnificent, but we cannot start doing anything (we are afraid, ashamed, and “what's the point if all is doom and gloom?”), thus, becoming inferior again and again. In brief, instead of endless narcissistic orgasm – sheer impotence…

Narcissists demand grandiosity and fulfillment of the ideal image from themselves due to one very simple reason. They are not aware of any other ways of not feeling inferior. Our mind creates an illusion that it is the only way to escape the unbearable suspicion about how inferior we actually are. But here lies a trap, since it is exactly the way we open the gates of hatred to ourselves. Therefore, our “fragility” is only enhanced. So, how do we actually do it?

Narcissistic ways of treating oneself

Therefore, to be a narcissist is to constantly contempt or even despise one's real self as compared to the ideal image, which is so hard to attain. To suffer from humiliation and the feeling of being inferior, to be afraid of being rejected or unmasked. To run in circles, with a growing number of demands to oneself, while satisfaction and peace are waning…

Narcissists display a variety of ways of abusive self-treatment. We can say that it is the very reason why their self, which is far from stable, is being diminished, while they are running in narcissistic circles of “I must be the best; otherwise I'm a loser”.

We berate our virtues and human qualities; our achievements and the existing results.

We devalue all that we have inside that we could rely on.

We berate our creative energy, destroying with perfectionism all the impulses that hardly ever come out.

We berate certain parts of ourselves, for instance, a dependent, a loving, a gentle, a relaxed, a needy one, etc.

We scold ourselves for still needing someone and wanting to depend on people, although we should have long forgotten about that.

We condemn our future and our aspirations, all the time blocking the way forward…

Instead of normal actions, we carry on demanding from ourselves to live up to unattainable ideals.

Instead of acknowledging our own merits, we habitually look in the direction where we do not measure up to perfect performance.

Instead of living our lives, we are stuck in timelessness. While we are waiting for the ideal life, we are not living our real everyday life.

At the same time, we “understand everything”, since we are gifted with rare rationality and intellect.

But we cannot change anything about these ways of dealing with ourselves.

First of all, since we cannot act any other way rather than attacking and imperiously demanding something from ourselves. And secondly, if we stop doing it to ourselves, our dream of living up to the ideal self will collapse. And we will be overwhelmed with horror of staying inferior forever…

Fragile self-esteem and how we adapt to it

Our generation is terrified of the thought that they might be noticed, and even more terrified of the thought of not being noticed.

Jeffrey Epstein[4]

Let us once again explore what we call narcissistic “fragility”.

It is an unstable self-image, a distorted view on one's abilities, virtues, and talents.

It is a refusal to accept one's limitations and flaws.

It is a constant risk that the pettiest problems or misfortunes could lead to collapse of one's self-esteem.

It is a direct correlation between one's self-respect and the extent to which other people express their admiration and recognition to them.

These are serious fluctuations in the sense of self-worth depending on the extent to which the set goals and plans are fulfilled.

This is an utterly devastating impact that negative feedback or even neutral attitude from the outer world has on self-esteem.

Unworthiness, inferiority, and self-discrepancy – these are the three pillars, or namely three “holes” in the narcissist's psyche. Feeling this way is so unbearable that we are constantly trying to cover, plug, fill, or sate those “holes”. Everything is put to use: work, education, relationships, food, drugs, and other ways of “compensation” or “distraction”. Just to silence this anxiety of self-deficit.

Depending on whether we accept this feeling or not, there are two common narcissistic strategies. Some of us seem not to feel this anxiety and have no distinctive sense of their own unworthiness. On the contrary! They behave as if the world must give them all the best, as if it is perfectly obvious that they have value for themselves and for others. They radiate confidence, and we could even mistake that for healthy narcissism. If not for a small “but”, which might slip a casual observer's attention. On closer examination, it appears that there is no clear and realistic grounds for their high self-esteem, since all it is based on is exclusively a belief that “I am valuable in my own right”. If we ask why this person considers themselves unique and interesting, the answer will contain something very general that is not firmly based on reality. It would be totally unclear what grounds there are for such pride in oneself. Therefore, we can say that we are talking here not about high self-esteem but inadequately exaggerated self-esteem. This is excessive narcissism in action, which grants those who have it with inadequate evaluation of their self-worth in this world.

Usually, teenagers and adults who have not grown out of teenage years “suffer” from this type of narcissism. Looking at them, we see that while they have quite a few ambitions and claims for their uniqueness and absolutely special originality, there are no grounds to confirm their abilities to fulfil any of those. Or there is no understanding that for all this both time and effort are required. Excessive narcissism creates an illusion for the person suffering from it that they will get everything for free and in large amounts, just because they are so unique. As a rule, this type of narcissism is cured naturally as time goes by. Inadequate beliefs in being superior, chosen, unique, and influential often dissolve over the years by themselves. There would still be suffering and anger, but one would shed their illusions of excessive narcissism, staying with quite an adequate image of self and accepting their real abilities and limitations. Those who “get stuck” in such narcissism endure unreasonable arrogance and excessive ambitions. As years go by, it is getting harder and harder to ignore reality, and it is expected that you prove your value for yourself and people around you by real achievements and success in a particular sphere (either family, children or a career in a preferred field). And the main criterion would be the life that satisfies, lets one fulfil their potential in various ways. Therefore, someone attacked by the virus of narcissism is likely to become a grumpy person when they grow old, angry at the whole world and suffering from total injustice. That would be the price they pay for not agreeing to accept their real “size”, staying in a continuous illusion of one's exclusive uniqueness and significance.

On the other hand, the other category of narcissistic personalities is associated with a totally different adaptation approach to their own fragility. Their self-esteem is also inadequate but the “other way round”. It is unreasonably low. We are talking here about deficient narcissism, which instead of providing a feeling of one's significance, deprives a person of self-worth even in spheres where they evidently have it. In contrast to excessive narcissists, they really consider themselves not deserving even the most modest success and see themselves as incapable of anything. Then it turns out that along with that, for some reason, they demand outstanding accomplishments from themselves and are eager to meet the standards of “successful success”. That is their main pain.

Deficient narcissists are entirely unsatisfied with themselves, no matter what they achieve or do. They ignore reality where they actually have certain abilities, opportunities, and talents, and display behavior associated with one's self-worthlessness.

I also call such people hidden or covert narcissists, as it is practically impossible to suspect narcissism in them. Since instead of significance and grandiosity, they exhibit humiliation and reactions of acute shame in response to anything.

They are characterized by the following:

• the sense of one's inferiority and unworthiness;

• high sensitivity and vulnerability;

• high personal standards;

• procrastination and inability to reach goals;

• constant search for approval and recognition;

• proneness to shame;

• envy for other people and self-abasement when comparing oneself with others;

• narcissistic depression due to inability to live up to ideal and perfect images;

• lack of emotion and detachment form one's own life;

• and much more.

It is important to note that there are inner “holes” in both cases. However, excessive narcissists still believe and hope that if they try hard enough, they will conquer the world with their grandiosity. While hidden narcissists are stuck in hopelessness: they feel so unable to recover themselves to the level of a good and a worthy person that there is only one way to act left – linger in shame and hopelessly strive to disguise yourself as a normal person.

“Feeble semblance”

Thus, deficient narcissists are people whose “inner ear” constantly catches the signals confirming their unworthiness and inferiority from reality. Their sense of worth and self-respect is impaired. They are associated with particular types of behavior which demonstrate their insignificance and “defectiveness”. Instead of hiding their vulnerability, say, by seeming grandiose or unapproachable, they intentionally and manifestly undervalue themselves and complain of being undeserving. You would not believe it, but their narcissism is also aimed at maintaining a stable view on themselves. It is only that it does it in a way that seems paradoxical at first glance. As if it does not give one a chance to “get a swollen head”, so as not to be disappointed in oneself later. Thus, it turns out that deficient narcissists' psyche maintains the state of their “dismal worthlessness”, and by doing so protects them from greater damage to their self-esteem.

It may seem that deficient narcissists are all self-belittling whiners and victims who do nothing but sit and grumble about life. That is not true! In the course of my practice, I regularly meet objectively very successful men and women who have achieved a lot and continue breaking through the ceiling. They never sit still, they are constantly occupied, work or receive new education. They earn good money and have pretty good families.

Yet still! All of them have something in common. They are never satisfied with themselves. And not just like “I should've done better, I'll try again tomorrow”. It is a devastating process of blaming oneself for not doing it on time, doing little, badly, worse than the others. For not doing it earlier, better than anybody else, and besides, “everybody can do it”. For not doing it perfectly, ideally or ingeniously. For having required a lot of effort but must have coped with it easily. And so forth…

This book is about those people who are called deficient, hidden, or covert narcissists. About those who instead of being fulfilled and plentiful, feel that they lack something valuable and important. And all their lives are hopelessly trying to recover the good sense of self. This book is FOR those who recognize themselves in this narcissistic deficiency and decide to fill oneself with healthy and adequate worth. The goal is achievable, and a good sense of self is worth working on, isn't it?

Questionnaire for identifying narcissistic deficiency

I am pretty sure that having reached this page you have started to suspect deficient narcissism in yourself. At least, a light form. To provide you with some reference, I have prepared questions which would enable you to check how true your suspicions are.

Just answer “yes” or “no”, without thinking for too long. And believe me: even if you give a positive answer to the majority of questions in this questionnaire, it does not mean that you are a “rabid” narcissist. It is just that the narcissistic sphere of your personality is pretty vulnerable due to the circumstances of your life. We will talk about it in detail further on.

In the meantime, enjoy!

Statements connected with self-esteem

• My self-esteem greatly depends on what is happening in my life at the moment.

• Troubles and misfortunes leave me with a sense of inferiority for a long time.

• I rarely feel worthy and respected.

• I keep doubting my value and worth for the people around me.

• I often feel inappropriate when I contact with people.

• I never measure up to the ideal I set for myself.

• I can't see anything in myself that would make me unique as compared to other people.

• I have no virtues to be proud of.

• I don't know my strengths.

• I don't know what I could be loved, valued or respected for.

• I feel desperate when I think that I am an ordinary person, one of many.

• I often compare myself to the others. Not to my advantage.

• I feel overwhelmed by other people's success. When I compare myself to them, I instantly get absorbed in gloomy worthlessness.

• If I understand that in some way I'm worse than other people, I get overtaken by the feeling of unworthiness.

• I constantly criticize myself and devalue what I've done and achieved.

• I believe that if people discover who I really am, they will get irreversibly disappointed in me.

• When people look at me, I see criticism and judgement more often than benevolence and interest.

• Because of my flaws and the mistakes I've made in life, I'm much worse than the people surrounding me.

• My achievements and success do not convince me that I'm sufficiently competent or professional.

• I often feel like an impostor and I'm afraid that it will become evident to other people.

Statements to do with relationships with other people

• I often notice thinking that I feel better without people, since this way I can avoid the feeling of shame.

• If surrounded by people, I feel that there's something wrong with me.

• I believe that people around me are normal, but I'm sure that I'm not one of them.

• I don't like competition. It is associated with high risk of being worse than someone else.

• I can't imagine someone showing their condescending attitude to my flaws. It would be better for me not to reveal them to anyone under any circumstances.

• If I accept that I have many virtues, I'll have to always strive to live up to them and feel tense in order not to disappoint other people.

• Most of all I'm afraid of depending on other people.

• Asking for help makes me feel humiliated. It would be good if people voluntarily did for me what I needed, since, in turn, I do all I can for them.

• I don't understand why people need a relationship which does not involve mutual benefit.

• My goal is not to need people and cope with everything by myself.

Mental mindsets

• I'm often anxious about not being able to relax, since I have to move on; otherwise I'll always be “nobody”.

• I have to constantly prove to myself that I'm able to do many things in order to feel that there's nothing wrong with me.

• I don't gain satisfaction from achievements and success. After I've climbed another step, I must immediately move forward.

• I definitely cope with my life worse than the people around me.

• Criteria of success in life: beauty, strength, wealth, and power.

• I believe that clever people do not make mistakes.

• I believe that if you try hard, you can manage the events of your life.

• I can't accept the fact that some events happened in my life. I would prefer to have a different life story.

• I think it's humiliating for people to be dependent.

• Affection makes people dependent on each other, and that's dangerous.

• There is no point in pure enjoyment which brings no benefit.

• You shouldn't start something new if you're not perfectly sure of the result.

• If I started doing something, I would ask a perfect performance of myself, even if it wears me out.

Perhaps, having answered the questions, you have got confused: “Narcissism is the last thing I need!” But you are completely wrong. It seems that healthy narcissism, which would provide a stable foundation for your self-esteem, self-respect, and confidence while communicating with people is just what you need. The subsequent parts of the book will take us to the world of narcissistic health and wounds of this sphere. But before that… Just a few more words in defense of narcissists.

A crown as protection against vulnerability

When I was thinking of writing a book on narcissists, I feared that, like many other works on that subject, it would be filled with denouncing and condemning intonation. I really wish more and more people would see the inner world of narcissists, feel how it is to live with such type of character. What is more, my aim is to help people who recognize themselves in the questionnaire to better adapt to life and adjust to living with their special features. I seriously believe that narcissism is not worse (and not better) than other personality organizations. It is just that our means of protecting our most fragile area are different.

I believe you would agree that all people protect their fragility using different means. Those who have a schizoid type personality hide from people, going further away so as not to be seen and offended. Representatives of the histrionic personality type seduce in order to provide themselves with a relationship in which they will be loved. A masochist pretends to be weak and is able to not only feel safe by doing so but also enjoy it. A narcissist has laid a wager on protecting their fragile self-esteem. And for this purpose, they needed “a crown”. Well, yes! When it is so empty and turbulent inside, one might decide to inflate a bubble of importance and grandiosity on the outside and pay no attention to people.

Every one of us wants to be good for ourselves and others. Everyone wants to be liked and loved by other people. Each of us has a core inside, around which our personal kingdom of value and significance is shaped. It does not appear by itself but blooms like a garden when it is being well looked after. A person's “self” is born in conditions of attachment to close ones, dependence on adults, care and love from the dearest people. If a child is not loved, forced to grow up faster and not emotionally nurtured, of course, they will grow up physically. But they will always adapt to such attitude, acquiring particular qualities of the character… Narcissists are those who did not receive a chance to feel themselves valued and significant. They were so heavily and so early wounded in the fields of love and affection that they were forced to eliminate these very desires in themselves. Since then, they live like that: with great, sometimes even grandiose external ambitions and claims to be significant, while at the same time staying very fragile inside. And it is not about weakness or special inability to adapt to life. It is just because they grew up too early in the conditions of insufficient resources.

Ever since, they are bound to live:

• without sufficient inner supports;

• without clear understanding who they are and what they are like;

• without relying on attachment and dependence on people.

At the same time, they demand from themselves to bravely, wisely and maturely cope with their life on their own. But the truth is that they are objectively not ready for such deeds, since deep inside they remain underloved and ungrown small children. Yet still, they demand Aristotle's wisdom, Kutuzov's bravery, and Napoleon's cheek from themselves. They demand power from themselves so as not to see themselves powerless again. Just like back then, in their childhood…

We are used to seeing monsters in narcissists. But deep inside, behind the protective carapace… “their souls are bleeding silently. They have suffered such collapses of 'self' that their suffering itself has collapsed. They emerge from them in psychic paralysis. They have nearly perished. Nevertheless, they are alive. Alive, but not for real; you can feel they are not of this world. They come to us covered by a protective cloak and a multitude of psychotic disorders, sometimes the other way round – in 'self' without skin, only having what to say about how unlucky they are to live, and, thus, even more touching. Sometimes they appear cowered within themselves, as if ashamed of their own suffering. Moreover, they know nothing about it, so dark and elusive it remains. We could think that most of all they are afraid of facing the bottomless abyss or losing a treasure so carefully protected that it has become almost inaccessible to them. They come to us almost without any hope. We meet them, sensing a shade of dark anxiety. It is true that it is hard to walk beside those who have survived. Will we be able to change anything in our psychoanalytic understanding in order to fully accept them?” – that is what a famous French psychoanalyst P.C. Racamier wrote in his book Suffering and Surviving in Paradoxes.

Further on, we will try to touch upon experience, reality, and the feelings of narcissists. In order to understand that narcissism is not just a diagnose, it is also a wide range of human feelings, including pain, sadness, and anxiety.

The essence of narcissism to a first approximation

In its deepest essence, narcissism is a defense against love and wounds inflicted by unrequited love. A child faced with the absence of love or having got the illusion of not being loved by his parents, makes himself stop loving and stop wanting love. He forces himself to stop having affection towards those who, according to him, do not love him. It resembles ruthlessly drying a river, which flowed freely and now has to stop…

What does a narcissist replace their need for love with? The desire for admiration and praise. That is why when I hear “I do everything to be noticed, valued, and praised”, I am looking for traces of love. To be more exact, I feel that having lost the hope for love, a person has decided to go for an imitation: “Screw it! At least, give me admiration! That's how I'll get normality back!” A fake carrot, but people rush at it, sometimes laying their whole lives on the altar of achievements…

People almost believe in the illusion that they have not received praise and admiration from their parents. In fact, a sorrowful loss of love is very likely there. And it is covered by a much more understandable need, which allows one to stay beyond this inner pain inflicted by the absence of love… “I'm looking for admiration” means almost “I'm trying not to remember the time when I forbade myself to love. When I chose not to want to be loved, because it's hopeless. I want to forget that I want love… But I can't… Give me at least admiration …”

Oddly enough, all this drama was described almost two thousand years ago in the initial myth about Narcissus, who was not selfish or cruel at all. Let us remember all the details of his birth and development. And then it would be clearer how exactly adult narcissism appears.

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Сноски

1

Esquire.ru.

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2

Nathaniel Branden – a psychotherapist and a writer, Doctor of Psychology, famous for his works on self-esteem psychology.

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3

Nancy McWilliams is an American psychoanalyst, teaching psychoanalysis theory and psychotherapy at the Graduate School of Applied and Professional Psychology at Rutgers University, has a PhD in personality psychology. Ex-president of the Division of Psychoanalysis of the American Psychological Association.

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4

Jeffrey Epstein – an American financier and philanthropist.

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