Анна Давыдова-Городецкая
Ouroboros or the world inside out

I dedicate this work to my mother, Lyubov Nikolaevna, the woman who gave me life, and to my close friend Vyacheslav, the man who pointed me in the direction of freedom from ouroboric captivity

Illusion is reality.

Introduction

In retrospect, I realize that for a long time, for decades, I have been suffering from the throes of yearning, which especially tormented me if I was alone with myself on weekends and holidays. When I happened to wake up way before morning, this feeling would often intensify. I regarded it as prolonged depression, tried to work with a psychologist, take antidepressants, and distract myself with socializing and hobbies. However, everything was ineffective, and the longing returned.

At first, I sought the reasons outside of myself – in a long-troubled marriage, a lack of a stable personal life, housing issue, and financial instability. However, as the years passed and life improved – the marriage with its psychological traumas was left far behind, I purchased a home, and my financial situation stabilized – emotional and psychological comfort still eluded me.

I focused my attention on the search for a life partner, believing that once I found the person I dreamed of, all my problems stemming from loneliness would resolve themselves. I did meet such a man, as expected, after a brief sense of relief, everything returned to normal. I came to realize a simple truth: the problem lies inside my psyche and has little to do with external circumstances. I began to seek answers to the question of what, in fact, was wrong with me. Both professional and amateur psychologists in their online lectures discussed topics like auto-aggression, merging, co-dependency, the victim complex, abusers, narcissists, and even infants. These snippets of information and entire theories swirled in my mind, attempting to explain why my relationships unfolded as they did. Yet the suffocating longing wouldn't go away. During that time, I felt that my subconscious had something to reveal to me, but I couldn't figure out how to access it. When lying in a state of relaxed wakefulness before sleep, I imagined large, dark «fish» emerging from the depths of my subconscious, but I could not grasp their tails to understand them.

One day, in February 2024, I woke up in the middle of the night, lying awake with my thoughts racing about my failed life until it was time to get ready for work. I got up feeling as though I had been beaten all night. Suddenly, I realized that it wasn't just a metaphor; I was truly being "beaten," but I was doing it to myself with sadistic pleasure. This discovery struck me – I suddenly understood that this was auto-aggression in its purest form. I had previously imagined auto-aggression as something more obvious, like a person engaging in self-destructive behaviors when they fail, such as hitting themselves, calling themselves harsh names, biting their nails, slashing their wrists, or banging their head against the wall. However, I unexpectedly realized that auto-aggression also manifests as a fascinating state where two personalities exist in my mind: one is a successful person of God, and the other is an unsuccessful sinner. The first personality begins to lecture the second, listing all its transgressions and passing judgment on each one, endlessly. How interesting! Suddenly, I felt better. While still waking up in the morning, I managed to suppress these inner dialogues with sheer willpower. Even if I didn't fall back asleep, I no longer felt so beaten down. Great, I thought, it's done! I started feeling much better, sleeping well, and eventually began attending the Conservatoire. At that time, I compared myself to a rebuilt and restored grand piano that only needed tuning to be able to play a beautiful melody, whereas before, I felt like a mock piano, good for nothing.

About three months later, at the end of June, I had an unusual and very vivid dream in which I received a small lizard, about the size of a hen's egg, as a gift. It fit in the palm of my hand and was so cute and harmless that I instinctively reached out to feed it. I offered it a crumb of something tasty, and in that instant, it began to grow at an alarming rate, transforming into a fearsome and aggressively terrifying dragon that filled the entire room. There was no doubt about its intention to destroy me… and then I woke up. A little later, I realized the meaning of this dream: it represented auto-aggression, which can be quite harmless if kept in check, but if nurtured with even a hint of self-dissatisfaction, it can become destructive.

I became interested in exploring the essence of this phenomenon, realizing it might hold the key to solving my problems. I found that I thought best during classical music concerts and while walking through the winding alleys of Moscow. While walking, I took notes to capture my thoughts. Through observing myself and others, I realized that the issue lies not solely in auto-aggression; it is merely a part of the vicious cycle present in the psyche of an infantile or ouroboric personality (these adjectives will be used interchangeably in the text), to which, without a doubt, I belong.

By exploring the thread of auto-aggression, I uncovered a complex web of specific patterns responsible for almost all my reactions. I also confirmed that these patterns are not unique to me but are quite universal. I aimed to unravel this web, study, and organize the structure of my psyche, and make it healthier and more functional.

To my surprise and joy, I realized that simply becoming aware of these mechanisms, bringing them from the depths of the subconscious, significantly reduces their pathological impact. Understanding what is happening in the psyche at any given moment, what it is connected to, and what it might lead to, allows for a degree of control. Initially, this control requires effort, but over time, it leads to the formation of new neural connections, making more sensible behavior natural.

Thus, studying my own psyche proved to be not only interesting but also healing. I noticed that my emotional reactions, which led to conflicts and constant dissatisfaction with myself, were initially instantaneous and automatic. At first, I could only recognize what was happening, but not stop the reaction. Over time, a gap of about three seconds between the trigger and my reaction began to appear, which was enough to not only recognize but also, in some cases, stop irritation, resentment, passive external aggression, and so on.

As I practiced awareness, I developed the ability to stop undesirable psychological manifestations at their inception, without significant effort, and in most cases, automatically. This brought a stable psychological comfort into my life that I had never experienced before. If I could decipher the messages of my body through vague sensations and the messages of my subconscious through dreams, then it is definitely possible for anyone facing similar difficulties to do the same.

When I first began to contemplate the quirkiness of masking my own auto-aggression, a friend told me about her five-year-old autistic daughter. When she was very young, she would hit an adult with a scream when she demanded something but didn't get it. After being told that this behavior was unacceptable, she started hitting herself on the head in such situations. I was surprised to learn that auto-aggression is inherent in children, suggesting that people might be born with this peculiarity.

This led me to consider a metaphysical explanation for the phenomenon. A dream I had about a lizard turning into an attacking dragon, combined with the biblical myth of the Serpent, inspired my theory of Ouroboros.[1]

I present to the reader a journey into the world of my personal psychoanalysis, where the building blocks of this theory were gradually assembled. Initially, the concepts were not clearly formulated, but as I delved deeper into psychological patterns, they gained a clearer structure. I would compare my work to assembling a jigsaw puzzle with a thousand small pieces: as more disparate fragments find their place; the overall picture becomes more complete and clearer.

Professional psychologists might say that I have reinvented the wheel, but any coincidences are purely accidental. During the five months of self-analysis of my behavioral reactions, from June to October 2024, I did not listen to lectures on psychology, read books on psychology, or communicate with psychologists and psychoanalysts. My personal vision of the infantile personality is based solely on my own experience, interpreted not only from a practical but also from a philosophical point of view.

Prologue. Ouroboros

When I investigated my own auto-aggression, I found that it was not overt but masked by a sense of longing, which arose from thoughts about life's failures and the disparity between what I had and what I was aspiring to. These thoughts occurred when my mind was not occupied with pressing tasks, such as during free hours or at night. Upon realizing this and understanding that it could be addressed by stopping negative thoughts, I became very enthusiastic. I decided that by overcoming auto-aggression, I could pave the way to longevity.

As a doctor, I am well aware of the psychosomatic mechanisms of disease development and the fatal changes in the body triggered by the emotional sphere. I imagined it this way: no auto-aggression → no diseases → a person can live until they get bored. I thought it was foolish to ruin myself with my own hands and wondered why all those who lived before me got sick and died so early. There was a certain amount of irony in this, but I genuinely believed that by overcoming the mechanism of self-destruction, a person could live happily ever after.

The only thing that puzzled me was that few people seemed to achieve this. Around this time, a friend told me about the apparent auto-aggression in a small child who, due to their age and autism, did not understand much. It became clear that the issue was much more complex than I had thought. The mechanism of auto-aggression is likely embedded in the foundations of the human personality, making it impossible to suppress entirely. It is probably something that will eventually lead to the grave of everyone born, much sooner than we would like. But why?

Trying to answer this question marked the beginning of my fascinating journey into the world of the infantile personality, the world of Ouroboros.

In this work, I describe my view on the patterns of behavior and psychological reactions formed in early childhood that hinder psychological maturation. The infantile personality is characterized by devaluation, auto-aggression, and a constant oscillation between superiority and vulnerability. Additionally, the entire psyche is permeated with illusions about oneself and the world. Such a person is rarely satisfied with life, almost never develops healthy relationships with others, and seldom has a successful career. Even if there is family and career growth, he is still always dissatisfied with the result.

From a metaphysical point of view, we can imagine that the Serpent, who led the forebears of mankind to the Expulsion, incorporated his structure into the psyche of all their descendants to deprive them of the joy of being and, ultimately, to lead them to death through self-destruction. I imagined this structure in the form of Ouroboros, who symbolically eats himself, and the closed vicious circle of pathological reactions came to life in the form of this ancient symbol. Therefore, in the further narration, there will be many references to Ouroboros. Sometimes, I will correlate the described patterns with the hunger of this creature and the volume it occupies in the psyche.

I have based my work not on the theory of evolution, which posits that humans descended from apes, but on the Biblical story of Paradise Lost. First, a bit of ancient factology, and then a flight of fancy.

Let's introduce the first humans, Adam and Eve. God created Adam from clay and breathed life into him. A little later, Eve was created from Adam's rib, and they began to live in Paradise, which was called Eden. They were provided with everything they needed, were satisfied with everything, and were not worried about anything. They seemed perfect to themselves and to each other. All in all, they were happy.

In that Garden of Eden there were many trees, including two forbidden trees: «In the fertile land, the Lord God grew every beautiful tree with edible fruit, and also he grew the tree of life in the middle of the garden and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil». Gen 2:9.

God warned Adam that eating of the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil leads to death: «but don’t eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, because on the day you eat from it, you will die». Gen. 2:17.

In the same garden dwelt the Serpent: «The snake was the most cunning of all the wild animals that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman,“Did God really say that you shouldn’t eat from any tree in the garden?”. The woman said to the snake, “We may eat the fruit of the garden’s trees but not the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden. God said, “Don’t eat from it, and don’t touch it, or you will die”. The snake said to the woman, “You won’t die! God knows that on the day you eat from it, you will see clearly and you will be like God, knowing good and evil». Gen. 3:1–6.

A number of questions arise, such as why did God create such a tree? And where did the Serpent come from? Here we can think about the balance of dark and light, and free will to choose sides, but that's a topic for another study. Although… we are not going to seriously criticize the Creator, are we? He wanted it and he created it! Just to be…

Let's get back to what the Scripture says: «The woman saw that the tree was beautiful with delicious food and that the tree would provide wisdom, so she took some of its fruit and ate it, and also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then they both saw clearly and knew that they were naked. So, they sewed fig leaves together and made garments for themselves.

During that day’s cool evening breeze, they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden; and the man and his wife hid themselves from the Lord God in the middle of the garden’s trees.

The Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?”

The man replied, “I heard your sound in the garden; I was afraid because I was naked, and I hid myself.”

He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat from the tree, which I commanded you not to eat?”

The man said, “The woman you gave me, she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate». Gen. 3:7–13.

So, the Serpent managed to seduce Eve, and she persuaded Adam, and they both ate the apple from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The Serpent promised them that they would become as perfect and intelligent as God himself, but the consequences of this act were totally unexpected. After eating the apple, Adam and Eve saw their nakedness at the same moment. They were ashamed – not because they had changed, but because their view of themselves had changed. I think this was the first act of self-discontent, in fact, the first act of auto-aggression, which included shame about their bodies and guilt about what they had done.

In expelling all three participants in this drama from Paradise, God cursed each one, he said to the Serpent: «Because you did this, you are the one cursed out of all the farm animals, out of all the wild animals. On your belly you will crawl, and dust you will eat every day of your life. I will put contempt between you and the woman, between your offspring and hers. They will strike your head, but you will strike at their heels».

To Eve: «I will make your pregnancy very painful; in pain you will bear children. You will desire your husband, but he will rule over you».

To Adam: «Because you listened to your wife’s voice and you ate from the tree that I commanded “Don’t eat from it” cursed is the fertile land because of you; in pain you will eat from it every day of your life. Weeds and thistles will grow for you, even as you eat the field’s plants; by the sweat of your face, you will eat bread – until you return to the fertile land, since from it you were taken; you are soil, to the soil you will return». Gen. 3:14–19.

After the Fall of man «The man named his wife Eve because she is the mother of everyone who lives. The Lord God made the man and his wife leather clothes and dressed them». Gen. 3:20, 21. Afterward Adam and Eve descended to the Earth.

«The Lord God said, “The human being has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil”. Now, so he doesn’t stretch out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat and live forever, the Lord God sent him out of the garden of Eden to farm the fertile land from which he was taken. He drove out the human. To the east of the garden of Eden, he stationed winged creatures wielding flaming swords to guard the way to the tree of life». Gen. 3:22–24.

Now it's purely a fantasy. The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil – the eternal dichotomy… And if we imagine that the Serpent was a branch of this tree from the part responsible for the knowledge of evil, and its fruit was the apple, and it contained the DNA of the Serpent. It is hard to see anything good in this apple – it brought misery to those who ate it. God warned that the fruit of this tree is deadly, but man, endowed with his own mind, ignored the warning. So, with the help of an apple, the Serpent penetrated into the consciousness of the first people. And then penetrated into the consciousness of all their descendants, where regret about the lost Paradise and guilt for the first sinful fall also live. And, as the Serpent deceived naive forefathers, so now it continues to deceive no less naive you and me. He promises us that if we listen to his teachings, we will reach a certain fullness, and then we will be happy as in Paradise, knowing exactly that it is impossible. And we endlessly dream about that eternal happiness, try to achieve the fullness necessary for it, and constantly punish ourselves for not succeeding.

Thus, Ouroboros, swallowed with the apple, promises and punishes everyone and always. He promises a return to Paradise, punishes by striving for perfection and the impossibility of achieving it. He exists in the psyche of all people – the same evil that was the fruit of the tree of Eden. And this evil is the punishment for the original sin of the forefathers.

Now let us imagine an infant in the mother's womb – there, the infant is protected, always fed, never lonely, has no worries, is always warm, and does not know about its «inferiority». The infant does not have to do anything there, only sleep. The mother's womb, the memory of which lives in the subconscious of each of us, may well be associated with the lost Paradise.

Ouroboros, transmitted by inheritance, having originated in a new person in the «paradise» of the mother's womb, leads this person through self-destruction to death in the life following birth, so that in a succession of incarnations, they again find themselves in the "paradise of the womb" together with a new life.

God → Paradise → Adam and Eve → Expulsion → life of labor and care → death → return to the earth, "from which one is taken".

And similarly: mother (God) → womb (paradise) → child (Adam or Eve) → Expulsion (birth) → life poisoned by the poison of the Ouroboros → self-destruction → death → hope of repeating the cycle.

Of course, no Ouroboros exists in our consciousness, and this book is about the emotional reactions and behavioral options of a person stuck at the infantile stage of psychological development. But if we take this fantasy as the starting point of a journey into our subconscious, it will be easier to navigate there. Therefore, let us accept as axiomatic the fact that every human being has in their psyche the structure of «Ouroboros», which I will discuss in this essay, because they are descendants of Adam and Eve. They also have the experience of life in the "paradise of the womb" and the experience of «expulsion» from the "paradise of the womb" at the moment of birth, followed by helpless infancy. With a responsive mother, the person successfully lives through this time and grows into a realized personality. However, even an adult personality under stress or overwork can regress to an earlier stage of psychological development.

The trigger mechanism for keeping the infantile personality structure intact, with the arrest of mental maturation, is maternal or substitute rejection – intentional, forced, or accidental. Probably, the more responsive and warm the mother is, the fewer the consequences of this birth shock – the expulsion from the "paradise of the womb". Conversely, the more indifferent or depressed the mother is, the greater the contrast between the womb and life outside it, and the stronger the desire to return there. The very fact of birth, from the infant's point of view, is already a fact of rejection. With repeated (post-birth) rejection by the mother, this infantile stage is fixed, and maturation does not occur; the personality remains stuck in the ouroboric structure.

The child's psyche probably seeks an explanation for what happened within itself and fixes on the paradigm: "If I become a better person, I will be worthy of love". Thus, the closure in the ouroboric circle is due to the coldness and insensitivity of the adults around the infant, who respond only to maximum crying and fulfill minimal needs. The child receives attention only after suffering. Another paradigm entrenched in their psyche is: "If I suffer, there is a chance that I will be noticed and given favors".

This work is not about specific people; it is about you and me. According to my observations, the overwhelming majority of those with whom I have had the opportunity to communicate have, in the structure of their psyche, an Ouroboros of larger or smaller size with all its «charms». Only a small percentage of people can adequately pass all the stages of adulthood and grow into an adult, responsible person, living not in illusions but in reality. I don't know what this is due to, as I have very little experience with such people, but I have come to the conclusion that it is not necessarily because they had a cloudless childhood and an accepting mother. Moreover, having a loving but ouroboric mother, generally devoid of true empathy, does not guarantee that her child will not grow up to be an infant; rather, it guarantees the opposite. Perhaps these superhumans living in reality have some innate volitional or intellectual traits that allow them not to fall prey to illusions. Perhaps such people don't care whether their mother is loving or rejecting, ouroboric or adult. Perhaps they have an experienced soul that has gone through many incarnations and matured through the ages. Perhaps in time, I will find the answer to these questions.

Chapter 1. Auto-aggression. Anxiety. Longing

I have already written that I was prompted to study my psyche by the realization of the multifaceted nature of auto-aggression, which, as it turns out, is not at all what we used to think based on traditional ideas about this phenomenon. When I tried to understand and systematize the mechanisms by which my consciousness works, I felt as if I were walking in a circle in a dense fog, from which unclear outlines were emerging. The more circles I made, the more distinct the contours and details of the blocks that formed the circle became, and the more obvious it became that they were all interrelated. It was impossible to study one without bringing out and studying the others.

I discovered that auto-aggression is closely connected with the illusory view of the self, which, in turn, generates a certain reference view of «happiness» and the external world. This, in turn, generates the devaluation of the real world, which is different from the reference one. The comparison of these worlds inevitably plunges one into despondency, which leads to auto-aggression as an attempt to defeat one's own «inferiority» and achieve a state of "full value" where the dream of the ideal has already been achieved, but this state is constantly slipping away. And again, auto-aggression, vulnerability, devaluation. And on and on in a circle, over and over again.

Having decided to share the experience of personal psychoanalysis, I initially wanted to lead the reader through this circle following me, focusing on my notes. However, I eventually abandoned this idea and will instead describe the components that make up the structure of the infantile personality, paying attention to the fact that everything in it is interconnected, has two opposites, and the whole structure has many degrees of protection from external influence.

We will consider the following blocks:

• Illusions: Beautiful dreams and terrible fears, what we take from the outside, transform in a certain way, and carry inside (import). Illusions form the basis of the structure of the Ouroboros.

• Full Value (ouroboric “happiness”, the embodied Reference Image) and Inferiority (ouroboric “unhappiness”): These are the two states of the infantile personality, the main character of the narrative – the actor. The actor strives to enter the first state but cannot get there, while they remain in the second state all the time.

• These states have manifestations – superiority and vulnerability – between which the actor oscillates on the outer circuit. The culmination of this oscillation cycle is the affect of superiority or vulnerability. This is what is translated from the inside to the outside.

Thus, illusions are imported, and the perception of reality altered by them is exported in the form of affects.

We will also consider the tools the ouroboric psyche uses to keep its structure intact:

• Aggression: External/internal (auto-).

• Devaluation of the true and idealization of the false.

Let's talk about the trigger mechanism of affect – comparison.

I would like to emphasize that the division into chapters is conditional, as this is a holistic, monolithic structure where each link is inseparably connected with others. This is clearly demonstrated in the scheme I developed while studying the phenomenon of Ouroboros.

Auto-aggression

Contrary to the traditional view that auto-aggression involves self-inflicted external injuries to the point of suicide, I think this is certainly true but extreme and not so frequent. Meanwhile, auto-aggressive attacks on oneself without obvious external signs occur almost constantly and are not identified by the personality as auto-aggression, and therefore cannot be brought into the zone of awareness and stopped.

Let’s take a step away from the prefix “auto-” and first figure out what aggression actually is. Defining this concept is hardly difficult – everyone knows it’s when fists come into play as a form of argument. It’s obviously unpleasant, even frightening, to find oneself on the receiving end of that kind of aggression.

There’s also passive aggression, something we’re equally familiar with: when, at the slightest misstep on our part, someone unleashes a flood of sarcastic reproaches in a specific tone. We call such people “toxic” and try to minimize contact with them, because we’re left feeling deeply uncomfortable – hurt, even – after such encounters.

Now, let’s bring back the prefix “auto-,” and we get the same thing, only directed inward, at ourselves. While physically hitting oneself is fairly straightforward to recognize as auto-aggression, passive auto-aggression – the kind where we speak to ourselves in a toxic manner after a failure – is rarely acknowledged as such. Even though we exhaust ourselves emotionally, we tend to interpret it as a bout of bad mood, sadness, anxiety – which we attribute to failures, conflicts, insomnia, or simply “getting up on the wrong side of the bed.”

But we almost never notice the connection:

A mistake → passive aggression directed at ourselves for that mistake → a result in the form of a cascade of negative emotional states.

At the beginning of the cycle of auto-aggression, the following happens: during any unpleasantness or conflict, a certain better version of oneself appears in consciousness. This version would certainly not have allowed it, could have done better, thought more clearly, said (or didn't say) the right thing, was on time, did everything correctly, remembered important details, replied with a sharp retort, and so on. This «better» version begins to reprimand and demand explanations from the «worse» version – the one that allowed it, couldn't do better, didn't think clearly, didn't say (or didn't say) the right thing, was late, made mistakes, forgot important details, responded meekly, and so forth.

These two personalities of one person engage in a tense internal dialogue in which one blames while the other tries to justify or blame someone else. In this dialogue, the «accuser» invariably uses question adverbs like why, how, what for, how much, etc., and the pronoun you. The «accused» constantly tries to humor or portray themselves as a victim of circumstances and attempts to answer these razor-sharp questions: "Why did you let this happen?", "How could you say that?", "How can you be such an idiot?", "Why did you buy that?", "How much can you eat at night?", etc.

The theme of the dialogue changes depending on what provoked the cycle's beginning, but its essence is always the same – the «accused» either committed a «crime» or failed to prevent it. This dialogue continues until either the «accuser» – this magnificent best version – gets tired or the «accused» – this complete loser – begins to show external signs of self-harm, such as crying, banging their head against the wall, or cutting their veins. Now it becomes clear what all these tears into the pillow and agonizing insomnia are about.

At the same time, both the «accuser» and the «accused» are the same person – our infantile actor. No, they're not crazy; they're just unhappy with themselves and want to fix themselves so that "it won't happen again". They want the Reference Image to be realized, but is that possible with such a ridiculous «performer»? Obviously, the accusing part of this personality is under an illusion about the real qualities of the «accused». In fact, it is under an illusion about itself.

For example, a woman might have a certain reference image of herself in her personality structure, where she is slender, wears beautiful clothes, is photogenic, and posts attractive photos on social media. This image seems quite realistic; there is nothing supernatural about it. However, it was formed some time ago without considering the peculiarities of her psyche, physiology, and current life conditions, making it illusory and detached from reality.

If she is overweight and cannot lose weight, such a woman, seeing her reflection in the mirror or after a heavy dinner, will engage in an internal dialogue similar to the one described earlier. She might call herself «fat» and accuse herself of "eating that piece of cake again" (which she believes she could have avoided). In this case, the «accuser» is under an illusion about her own willpower, the lack of which is the reason for her lack of results in the fight against excess weight, and which even earlier led to the gain of this weight.

If this hypothetical woman could realistically assess her willpower, she would accept the number on the scale and either stop torturing herself with attacks or work on this area constructively. However, this does not happen because the very act of auto-aggression, leading to the tears of the «accused» or an attack of dysphoria followed by affect (which we will consider later), is seen by the psyche as a sufficient result. Such a person is unlikely to lose weight naturally but is quite capable of feeding her own Ouroboros.

It is important to understand that the emergence of this second character marks the beginning of a cycle of self-dissatisfaction and subsequent self-aggression. The internal dialogue should be replaced by a monologue, removing the pronoun «you»: instead of "you ate a lot again, don't eat a lot," it should be "I ate a lot again, I won't eat a lot". This change eliminates the presence of two versions of oneself in one's consciousness.

I want to emphasize that the reason for such internal dialogue, and thus for an episode of auto-aggression, is not important. It can be anything, and if it is not found in the present, it will be found in the past. We are all familiar with the feeling of guilt. What matters is the presence of a large, auto-aggression-fed, and currently hungry Ouroboros in a person's psyche. I hope the reader understands that this is a metaphor; by Ouroboros, I mean not a literal lizard in our head, but the structure of an immature personality that produces dysfunctional behavioral patterns, including auto-aggression.

All of this means that if someone is alone in a room and feels like crying, it indicates that they are torturing themselves in a way that can no longer be tolerated, and they may not even recognize it.

In studying the phenomenon of auto-aggression, I realized that it is not linear; it has a multi-layered structure with many variations. I identified the following major layers of auto-aggression:

– overt (insomnia),

– hidden (longing),

– deep (unpleasant dreams),

– permanent – anxiety, which provokes an endless stream of consciousness,

– the sudden-appearing anxiety affect – the Catastrophizer.

And the versions of auto-aggression

manifested externally:

– suicide;

– damage to one's body – cuts, etc.;

– deliberately hitting yourself or objects;

– excessive tattoos and piercings;

– all addictions – drug, alcohol, food.

Hidden:

– internal dialogs with figuring out who is at fault;

– comparing oneself to others not in one's favor;

– punishing oneself by denying oneself pleasure, excessive self-saving;

– fatigue to the point of exhaustion;

– accidentally bumping into objects in known places.

It does not matter what form our auto-aggression takes in each particular case; it always starts with an internal dialogue. Often, this dialogue is not between the «best» and «worst» versions of ourselves, but between an infantile actor and the person with whom they had a conflict, such as a boss, spouse, or neighbor. The actor mentally tries to prove their rightness, primarily to themselves.

From the very beginning, I asked myself whether it is possible to defeat auto-aggression. I concluded that it is possible to significantly reduce its intensity by controlling the basis of the ouroboric structure – illusions. And that is very good news.

And now the bad news: the structure of the infantile personality makes it almost impossible to engage with reality. As long as there is a devaluation of the true, there will inevitably be an idealization of the false, i.e., an illusory reference image of oneself. This leads to auto-aggression for not conforming to this image, accompanied by self-imposed pressure to get closer to it and find «happiness» – to reach one's infantile «paradise». Yes, reality destroys illusion, the basis of the whole structure, but illusion resists destruction.

Illusion is seductive: in the illusion about oneself, one is great, omnipotent, clever, sought-after, and witty. In reality, a person is simply who they truly are. Reality is an exile from paradise; it requires concentration and is energetically costly. It is difficult for a person to be in the present moment, in the "here and now". It is challenging to exist without a "stream of consciousness" – that endless sleep of the mind where fragmentary thought-forms constantly replace each other, like Brownian motion. Reality demands productive thought, but the infantile brain desires rest; it wants to «sleep» and dream illusory dreams of its own greatness. Again, the illusion, and again the longing for the reference image, believing that connecting with it will bring ouroboric «happiness». For the infantile personality, at a deep subconscious level, this is an aspiration to the infantile paradise of the mother's womb, where everything is provided, and nothing needs to be done.

Thus, it turns out that the more we engage with reality, the less we are influenced by illusions and the Reference Image, and consequently, the less auto-aggression we experience. Deprived of self-nourishment, Ouroboros decreases in size relative to the psyche, and – completing the circle – auto-aggression decreases.

We have demonstrated this proposition: reality stops auto-aggression, or at least significantly reduces it. It's complex, I must admit. But let's try to understand it in detail.

A person spends an overwhelming amount of time in thoughts that are far removed from where their body is. The mental eye sees illusory pictures of the past or fantasies about the past, the future, or things read, heard, or seen once. However, what is happening at the current moment often goes unnoticed. Sight seems to serve merely to avoid collisions with obstacles. People mostly see their mental pictures and hear their inner dialogues. Meanwhile, thoughts, like a balloon on a long string, constantly drift into fantasies, news, or other geographies, depending on the whims of the mind. These thoughts lack weight and sense.

In this endless illusory marathon of thoughts, the main theme is self-importance and rightness – repeating or reliving successful moments and reimagining unsuccessful ones with better outcomes. These thoughts confirm one's coolness and charisma or, in case of failure, inferiority – attempting to replay or sadistically picking at wounds. Almost always, we live in a separation of mind and body. There seems to be no escape from this as thoughts keep slipping into imagined superiority over others. Reality is often perceived as boring and uninteresting. This may be due to self-devaluation – I am not interesting; real life is not interesting – but in the mental distance beyond the clouds, I am great and beautiful.

In this case, the separated body is like a house without a roof – gradually collapsing due to inadequate sensory control. If thoughts are combined with the body in the present moment, both illusory superiority and vulnerability disappear, leaving only reality. When thoughts and body are connected, the system becomes functional; thoughts gain weight, and the body gains control and regulation.

The body given to us at birth is our highest value. It is only with the help of our body that we can do anything. Yet, the body is often maximally devalued. Remember how ashamed Adam and Eve were of their bodies after eating that ill-fated apple? It often seems that our bodies are mistakes; however, there will never be another one like it. Therefore, we must treat it with maximum tenderness and care.

Nevertheless, the infantile personality abuses its body through overloads, improper nutrition, sleep deprivation, etc. Lack of communication with the body leads to ignoring its voice. And the body responds with pain. These are all auto-sadistic moments within auto-aggression. The outcome is natural – the body first hurts and then gets sick.

So, disease arises:

– as a consequence of auto-aggressive attacks on one's psyche, manifesting through psychosomatics;

– as a result of sadistic but unconscious attacks directly on the body through overload, deprivation of rest, exposure to risk, improper nutrition, and direct poisoning by alcohol, smoking, or drugs;

More often than not, both factors are combined and completely unrecognized by the individual. The connection to the body is lost because an overwhelming amount of time is spent outside of that connection – in the past, in the future, in fantasies and plans, in the news, and in other people's lives.

To regain this connection, one should spend more time where the body is physically located – in reality – listening to it and integrating into consciousness all the signals sent to the brain by the senses. I believe that staying in reality, identifying and controlling the “stream of consciousness,” and stopping internal accusatory dialogues are what effectively stop auto-aggressive manifestations. Practicing these skills is necessary, and you need to start now!

Anxiety

A person may be given a long and happy life without shocks and losses, but if they are anxious and depreciating, they will live this life unhappily, constantly worrying about the future and devaluing the present. The expectation of unhappiness is actually unhappiness – one experiences similar emotions. When they look back in old age, they will think: “Where was life itself? I didn't live at all”. So, the reward of a peaceful life can be poisoned by the venom of Ouroboros, because anxiety spoils the happiest life with the expectation of trouble, and devaluation turns it into “nothing.”

So, what is anxiety? I think it is defenselessness against the pressure of external reality. This pressure is the same for everyone, but some people feel it as excessive – it seems so to them. Apparently, this is an echo of the instability and unpredictable behavior of significant adults in childhood. Such people look at the world through the prism of illusion, where absolute happiness, peace, and security are perceived as the norm – this is the state of a baby in the womb. Anything that differs from this state of infantile “paradise” shifts the psyche into the area of fear. “What if I can't handle the pressures of reality?” – “Disaster will happen”.

A person who feels the excessive pressure of reality will feel defenseless and therefore anxious and will look for protection externally. However, any source of that protection will be felt as pressuring. Thus, for someone seeking a protector, the situation will probably be worsened by the fact that, in addition to the pressure of the outside world transforming into anxiety, the pressure of the protector will appear. A paradox arises, in which the defense only increases the pressure, and thus anxiety. A vicious circle is formed: anxiety → search for a protector → increased pressure → increased anxiety. The protector will seem to be an authoritarian, freedom-restricting, rejection-inducing mentor. Therefore, if a person seems controlling, we need to examine whether we depend on them totally, strongly, or at least in some way. If we do, then perhaps it seems to us that they only press us. If we do not, then apparently this person is like that, and it is worth limiting communication with them. The only effective way to reduce anxiety and external dependence is to seek protection and support within ourselves.

An accumulation of anxiety leads to an anxiety affect that I have named the Catastrophizer. I will discuss the Catastrophizer in detail in the chapter about illusions because it is entirely deceptive. For now, I will only say that the Catastrophizer is the most severe form of anxiety and, accordingly, auto-aggression, with the longest trail. In this state, it is impossible to think productively; the flow of dragging dialogues cannot be stopped. There is a feeling of stupor, as the Catastrophizer cuts off access to reality, forcing you to sink deeper into illusions, watch TV series, and flip through news feeds to distract yourself from fear.

Ouroboros, our purveyor of illusions, has many faces, and it is not easy to defeat him. The battle is not for life, but for death, and it is necessary to keep track of all the various tricks by which he can instantly turn from a cute lizard into an all-devouring dragon. Anxiety is another such trick because it increases the “stream of consciousness,” which indicates the intensification of illusions. And where illusion is activated, auto-aggression is invariably activated.

In auto-aggression, there is no exit to reality – it is an enclosed space where the personality beats itself up. If one traces the moment of appearance of this inner “aggressor” in consciousness – the moment when reality does not correspond to illusion – then there is a chance to stop, by an effort of will, the mental dialogue that has begun. If this is not done, then the sense of reality will be lost, and one will have to go through the whole cycle of ouroboric affect.

Thus, auto-aggression arises from the impossibility of reaching the ouroboric “paradise” – an illusory dream of an ideal life, i.e., from the impossibility of uniting with one's Reference Image. Anxiety arises from the prospect of reaching the ouroboric “hell.” The argumentation of the Ouroboros, which inspires us with both illusory dreams and illusory fears, is similar – “look at others – see, they got…” and further depends on the context of a particular illusion:

To “paradise,” i.e., they've fulfilled their dreams, live happily, are rich and famous, or

To “hell,” meaning they've had a catastrophe, lost everything, which means you have a chance to fulfill your “dream” or face “disaster.”

So, it doesn't matter whether we dream or worry, auto-aggression will always happen in the end.

Insomnia

If we pay attention to ourselves, we will realize that at the moment anxiety intensifies, the flow of thoughts increases significantly. If we try to trace the direction of this flow, we will find that it is directed towards the negative. Mentally, we are constantly replaying probable unpleasant scenarios and trying to prevent their realization. But all this is completely pointless – it is not a plan of deliverance, but an agonizing merry-go-round on which the consciousness tries to find a way out of a situation that does not even exist in reality.

I mentioned that my path to understanding my psychological processes began with one sleepless night. But I had countless such nights, often having difficulty falling asleep and frequently waking up at night, only to fall asleep again 10 minutes before the alarm clock.

Now I'm awake, lying down. The apartment and the street are quiet; nothing frightening is happening, and yet I can't fall asleep. What's stopping me? It is this continuous flow of disturbing thoughts, these agonizing dialogues in my head that hinder me. They create that inner noise that wakes up the brain, not allowing it to sleep. Just when I am about to fall asleep, suddenly some thought comes again, and the brain starts working idly, trying to solve a non-existent problem. I shared my thoughts on this matter with a friend, and this is what she said:

“I have not thought about it before, but now I think we are trying to get rid of unnecessary noise, such as the importance of silence at home. It is important to remove visual noise – no shouting objects or mess – so that the eye can rest. And thoughts are the same noise. They disturb us greatly and make us tired”.

I know how difficult insomnia is and how many different medical preparations and systems are created to combat it. But try, when going to bed or waking up at night, to stop the stream of consciousness by an effort of will. Try not to think about anything, focusing on your own breathing. You will not notice how you fall asleep. At least for me, this method was the most effective.

Anguish

I wrote earlier that the bulk of my emotional discomfort was caused by difficulties in personal communications, lack of stable attachment, and bouts of hard-to-control anguish.

A bit of chronology: In the summer of 2019, I had a very vivid, incredibly realistic, and therefore well-remembered dream. I was approaching my entryway and felt uncomfortable because the door looked different from what I was used to – it was wooden and without an intercom, like those from Soviet times. I went inside and saw different railings, elevators, and paint on the walls. Everything indicated that this was the past, around the mid-70s. I went up to my floor, approached the door of my apartment, and realized that nobody knew me there. The first owners, still young, lived there, and there was no point in talking to them. I went downstairs, walked towards the neighboring house, and tried to figure out what to do because I had no documents, no money, and no idea how I got there or how to get out. Besides, my son was waiting for me in the present and probably wouldn't wait for me, so I had to warn him that I wouldn't come home. I took out my phone, dialed my son's number, and he answered. I said, “Sonny, I'm in the past and I don't know how to get back". At that moment, the phone in my hands turned to dust. I tried to figure out what to do and concluded that the only person who could help me was my mother. I needed to get to Minsk, find our house near Station Square, and I thought I could recognize it in my dream. I realized that she wouldn't believe me because I was 45, her daughter was about 2–3 years old, and she herself was about 25. I also realized that I knew the past and the future and could convince her that I was her grown-up daughter. And we would find a way out. That's when I woke up. I was surprised by this dream but generally didn't give it much thought.

In the summer of 2023, after another unsuccessful attempt to build a relationship, I actively listened to online lectures by various psychologists, which led me to realize that all my problems stemmed from childhood.

Six months later, I suddenly realized that during those sleepless nights, which happened quite often, I was engaging in auto-aggressive attacks on myself for being the way I am and for my life being the way it is, rather than what it could have been if I had been different and acted differently in various situations.

At the end of June, I had a dream about a dragon-lizard, and I began to analyze my every emotion with the persistence of a gold digger who had stumbled upon a gold mine, constantly asking myself why I felt the way I did at any given moment.

Finally, in August 2024, I had a quite neutral dream in which I was walking home alone on the street in late fall. I woke up with an unpleasant feeling centered in the solar plexus area, which I recognized as a familiar oppressive longing. I habitually interpreted the dream as suppressed pain from loneliness. But as I analyzed my sensations, I suddenly realized that it was a feeling of hunger. Upon reflection, I concluded that the feeling of hunger and the feeling of loneliness and rejection in my psyche are so closely connected that they are, in fact, difficult to distinguish.

It was then that I finally decided to question my mother, despite her active protest. She reluctantly told me that, despite a normal birth, I was brought to her only after 10 hours. I was weaned at 9 months of age and sent to my grandmother's house in another city the same day. For the next few years, I saw my mother only twice a month on weekends. Thus, the meaning of the dream I had 5 years ago became clear to me! It was my mother who helped me understand why my psyche was organized in such a way, why I had been suffering from rejection and loneliness all my life, searching for situations where rejection would be overcome, making unsuccessful attempts to find a mate, and why I suffered from night hunger that I could not recognize and confused with loneliness.

I believe this anguish of mine comes from infancy when these feelings were triggered simultaneously – the baby was hungry if lying alone and feeling rejected. Accordingly, as an adult, at night I dream about hunger as anguish, and during the day I perceive anguish (each one has their own, for their lost “paradise,” for their illusory dream) as hunger. By satisfying hunger, we temporarily alleviate the longing. But since this feeling is immense, we have to eat a lot, and the effect of eating is short-term.

So why does this irrational feeling of anguish arise?

Essentially, loneliness/rejection and the resulting anguish is an infantile fear of starvation. “If I'm not alone, but with someone who loves me and doesn't reject me, that means they'll feed me, and I won't die” – that's what the infant thinks. This is what an infantile person thinks on a subconscious level. An adult can feed themselves; they are oriented to the real feeling of hunger and satisfy it. The infant is oriented to the feeling of loneliness as a fear of death and satisfies this feeling with the help of food, which is widely available and excessive in our time, or by constantly searching for a partner, and when a partner appears, by total fusion with them.

The anguish I experienced in the dream, which turned out to be physiological hunger, was very similar to the sensation that haunted me for many years in waking life and which I identified as pain from loneliness. This anguish stems from the combination in the infant psyche of physiological hunger and the feeling of rejection, frozen forever, like a gnat in amber, in the ouroboric structure. It is the anguish of the infant who has been expelled from the womb and deprived of the breast, that is, rejected. This infantile anguish arises from the impossibility of returning to the womb, where it was warm and nourishing, from the unrealizability of this illusory dream. Essentially, it is the consequence of auto-aggression, by which the person punishes themselves for rejection.

The ouroboric personality is always lonely because it lacks empathy, views others consumeristically, and cannot connect with anyone on a deep level, yet it suffers from loneliness. In short periods of love, anguish disappears, feelings burst into life, and there is a sense of reality, bringing the joy of being. But then inevitably comes alienation and coldness. And again, loneliness, and again, anguish.

This is why I identified my anguish, with which I began the narrative, as loneliness. I constantly need someone whose resources I can access, a partner through whom I will achieve my dreams, defeat loneliness, be loved and protected, and, on a deep unconscious level, return to the “fullness” of the illusory “paradise” of the mother's womb.

This universal anguish permeates the entire existence of the ouroboric personality and is weakened only when there is a chance to realize the illusory dream, i.e., when a “dream embodiment” appears.

The one who will achieve a dream

In the ouroboric structure, there is no love or empathy, but there is idealization and a desire to possess a person who seems (it is an illusion) to the actor as someone who can help achieve what is desired. This desired thing varies from person to person – love, fame, power, money, status, stability, relationships, family, health, children, etc. These desirable things are the components that make up the Reference Image. Personally, I have always dreamed of stability and high social status.

By its own internal logic, often superficial and nonlinear, the ouroboric person decides that a particular person is the right one to make their individual desire from a dream become a reality. And “love” arises, or rather its ersatz – idealization. A substitution takes place: the actor thinks they feel love or sympathy, but this feeling is a burning desire to possess the object (another person) for personal and undivided use, as if this will lead to the realization of a dream. The “incarnate” is idealized and depersonalized; details cease to be important and are eliminated from the assessment of the possibility of building a connection with this person. The illusory perception of this “embodiment of desires” prevents realistic evaluation. Everything boils down to one thing only – to get it, or rather, to get what you want by using this person. This is called “love” or “attachment,” hence all the “I cannot live without you!” Such phrases should be understood literally as: “I need you urgently because I think that with your help, I can finally escape the hell of ouroboric inferiority and unite with my Reference Image!”

If the reader is patient, they will soon understand everything about both “ouroboric inferiority” and the “Reference Image.” Describing a rigidly looped structure, which has neither beginning nor end, is like watching the TV series “Santa Barbara” from the hundredth episode – it will be easier to understand what you are reading about now after reading the next chapter. So, all this ouroboric sudden attachment is nothing but infantile manipulation, hidden from everyone, including the actor themselves.

The actor does not consider the possibility of achieving what they want through independent action or partnership, nor do they objectively assess the situation to conclude that their desire might be unattainable. All efforts are aimed at obtaining the “incarnator” and then “squeezing” the realization of their dream out of them. When this does not happen, disappointment sets in, accompanied by a mass of claims and offenses, and the idealized idol is thrown off the pedestal. It is as if the contract for the realization of the dream has not been fulfilled, and penalties must be collected from the negligent performer. The counterparty does not understand anything, neither the sudden love or affection at the beginning, which they take at face value, nor the claims later.

So it turns out to be: “I'll use you to piggyback ride into paradise,” or “I'll use your hands to pull chestnuts out of the fire”, “You will help me reach my beau ideal, and I will idealize you, praise you, obey you, please you, and be what I think you want me to be”.

If we want to free ourselves from this ouroboric captivity, we need to stop looking at other people as resources to be consumed. We must stop viewing those who have what we need, whether material or not, as very desirable to the point of trembling in our knees. We have to stop manipulating reality by keeping such a person close to us and forcing them to give us what we want.

As soon as there is a feeling that someone is “the one,” and we try to involve this person in our orbit and keep them there by any means, we enter the “eye of a needle” of an ouroboric dream – the trap has slammed shut. We are in illusion, and no matter how hard we try, no matter what we do for this person, no matter what role we play in our personal performance, nothing will work out.

This deep-seated hunger for a mother's breast, this primordial anguish, cannot be satiated by anything – neither food nor communication. Food may lead to obesity, and having a partner may lead to disappointment. If we form a couple to satisfy this hunger or anguish, we are bound to realize that the other person cannot fulfill it, leading to disappointment when they "promise but do not deliver".

I will revisit this topic when I discuss devaluation, as the mechanism of ouroboric falling in love is closely linked to the infantile personality's consumerist attitude towards others and life in general.

When an ouroboric personality is interested in someone, this interest is often presented with a sense of their own greatness. "I wanted it – you came to teach me. I will use you but idealize you for it – this is my payment to you. You are both the attendant and the ideal, while I am both the learner and the master".

Such manipulations cannot foster a trustful, empathetic communication because the counterpart will likely sense the manipulation and resist being used, especially if they have a realistic view of themselves and the other person. Fortunately, my friend eventually recognized the pathological nature of her infantile communication style, and we developed a comfortable relationship. While we may not be fully "grown up", we aspire to grow, with depth, mutual respect, and sincere empathy.

But if the manipulation is presented not as a display of greatness, but as sudden feelings from meeting someone, especially against the backdrop of loneliness and ouroboric anguish of the same infantile subject, the bait can be easily taken. Both parties may be drawn into a fascinating game of "dream come true," likely mutual, with an obvious sad outcome of mutual claims, as happened in my life. Many years later, after my divorce, I realized that this was the pattern I followed when I entered into marriage. I placed hopes for my future well-being on my husband, which he simply could not fulfill due to his personality traits, and then blamed him when things did not work out as planned.

In hindsight, it was clear from the beginning that this man would not be able to give me what I wanted from him; he simply did not have the capacity to realize my dreams. To be fair, my husband-to-be at that time also saw me as a "dream fulfillment person," which explains the sudden burst of love and hasty marriage. We both played this game with each other and paid for it with fifteen years of a painful marriage.

Such unconscious longing and loneliness may be the cause of eating disorders (ED), where eating helps to drown out not only hunger but also anguish (in my case, from loneliness). I think ED is a continuous loop in the ouroboric structure of auto- sado-maso: anguish → overeating → auto-aggression from being overweight → starvation → hunger → anguish.

At night, I can satisfy hunger (I started leaving a snack for myself on the nightstand next to my bed) – anguish is controlled. During the day, I can be aware of anguish – overeating is controlled. It is important to satisfy hunger quickly as it arises and not to eat when it is not there. It is necessary to restore the natural physiological regulation of eating behavior, without the impurity of psychological compulsions.

This anguish I have described is characteristic of every ouroboric personality; it is related to the unattainability of illusory dreams and is expressed in varying degrees – some stronger, some weaker. Therefore, people, in an attempt to drown out this feeling, are in constant communication or work. Stopping this activity can exacerbate the anguish, leading to an inability to be alone, without a date, or on one's own. I believe I suffered from the most severe form of this anguish, as it likely first visited me immediately after birth, influencing the formation of all subsequent psychological reactions. This feeling was solidified after repeated, albeit unintentional, rejection by my mother, laying the foundation for a relentless search for a partner who would give me the kind of love that doesn't exist between adults.

I can't and don't want to blame my mom for not loving me – the situation at the birth center had nothing to do with her; it was the system. Sending me to my grandmother was not a desire to get rid of me. From my mother's point of view, nothing special happened; she took me to her mother because her academic and maternity leave was over, and she had to return to school. The fact that I was without my mother and her breast, taken to people unfamiliar to me at the time – my own grandparents – did not embarrass anyone; it was common practice. In those days, maternity leave was short, and children were often given to nurseries or relatives because everyone had to work. My father's parents, with whom the young family lived, also worked and could not take care of me.

I ended up not in a five-day nursery but with loving people, and my mom visited as often as she could. The grandmother I spent my childhood with was a wonderful woman. However, she had a big house, a piglet, a cow, a vegetable garden, and she sewed to order, so she physically could not give me as much attention as I needed. There was nothing supernaturally traumatic about my childhood. Nevertheless, what there was, was enough to keep my psyche frozen in an infantile ouroboric structure with all its complexities.

As a newborn, I could not understand the peculiarities of obstetrics in the country where I was born. From the warm «paradise» of the womb, having gone through the pain and fear of birth, I found myself alone for 10 hours (an infinitely long time, probably seeming like forever), in the cold (it used to be 36.6°C all the time), and probably hungry (though I was fed, it was not the same as feeding through the umbilical cord). Just as a nine-month-old, I could not regard being sent to my grandmother's house as self-care. In one day, both my mom and her breast disappeared, and I found myself among people I had never seen before. I certainly perceived it unequivocally – as rejection.

In fact, that dream about visiting the past was literal – to return to the present, to reality, you have to make a journey back to the beginning of life. To your mother.

Chapter 2. Reference pattern. Full-value. Inferiority

In the distorted world of Ouroboros, happiness and unhappiness are defined differently than in the world of a psychologically mature adult. Splendor and superiority over others are seen as «happiness» and lead to euphoria, while feelings of inadequacy, arising from comparisons with those perceived as better, are seen as «unhappiness» and lead to despondency. For example, if I have a Mercedes-Benz and my neighbor has a Lamborghini, I feel wretched and unhappy. Conversely, if I have the Lamborghini and my neighbor has the Mercedes-Benz, he feels wretched, and I feel magnificent and happy.

This simple example illustrates the states between which an infantile personality endlessly oscillates. Such a person can only experience brief bursts of euphoria when someone perceived as worse is nearby. Sustainable mental comfort is unattainable because there is always someone perceived as better in some way (prettier, richer, smarter, more successful, talented, sexier, etc.).

A woman who cannot build a relationship, while others can, feels inferior. If she builds one in the future, she will feel complete and «happy». Another woman felt complete in the past when she had one healthy child. When a child was born who did not meet her expectations, she felt incomplete and longed for her past sense of completeness. The first woman dreams of a future where she feels complete, while the second woman constantly reminisces about her past completeness. Both punish themselves in the present for not being able to achieve their ideal state, which is the essence of auto-aggression. Since they feel incomplete now, they devalue themselves and everything around them, believing only completeness is valuable – this is the essence of devaluation. When the desired state is achieved, auto-aggression will cease, and anguish will recede. For the first woman, this is only possible in the future, and for the second, it was (or seems to have been) in the past. In the present, there is only auto-aggression and devaluation. This is how ouroboric inferiority is experienced.

The infantile personality cannot achieve stable inner full-value because it cannot connect with its reference pattern. However, the reference pattern existing in the psyche is supported by the illusion that it will eventually become a reality, leading to true, sustainable full-value. As long as this reference is not reached, which is always the case, the basic state of the ouroboric personality is inner inferiority. Against this backdrop of persistent inner inferiority, there are oscillations between ouroboric superiority and ouroboric vulnerability. Which state dominates at any given moment depends on who the individual compares themselves with – if they compare themselves with someone they perceive as worse, they feel superior; if they compare themselves with someone they perceive as better, they feel vulnerable.

For example, if a woman fantasizes about being beautiful, rich, having high social status, and being popular with men, her illusory dream will be to «own» a man of status and wealth who will fulfill all her desires, like a «goldfish». She believes that by uniting with this ideal self from her dreams, she will find inner full-value and become «happy». This woman will experience euphoria from receiving money, praise, attention, and sympathy, or even better, from falling in love with a high-status man. These experiences help her achieve a state of superiority, which her psyche labels as «happiness». What each person considers «happiness» depends on the ideal scenario of their life, i.e., their reference pattern.

In this example, «unhappiness» for the woman is labeled as rejection by a high-status person, loss of money, attention, or sympathy from someone who does not meet her status criteria, obvious loss in status and success to others, and aging. These experiences plunge her into vulnerability and distance her from her reference pattern. This is why there is often such an attachment to appearance – it is clear that a young and beautiful woman has more chances to attract the desired man, while an aging woman losing her beauty has fewer chances.

Both «happiness» and «unhappiness» are illusions. Everyone has their own illusion, their own idea of ideality, which defines what is considered «full-value» and felt as superiority and «happiness». At the other end of this axis is "inferiority," and everything that immerses one there is perceived as "unhappiness".

By understanding these states and what makes us feel euphoric or depressed, and therefore superior or vulnerable, we can recognize where the illusion lies and move out of it into reality. However, both euphoria and despondency can also be caused by something that exists in objective reality, making it difficult to discern whether what plunges us into these states is reality or illusion. A more sensitive criterion is the prick of envy. The person we envy possesses something we dream of, something that is part of our reference pattern, and we believe that by attaining it, we will become "happy".

If, after interacting with certain people, a person cannot regain their composure for a long time, they should consider the reasons for this state. It might be envy, indicating that "they have what I desire". However, it is important to understand that the component causing the jab of envy comes with its own past (chronic illnesses, losses, and hidden issues) and, most unpleasantly, unpredictable future problems. The immature personality wants to take from others only their dream, separating it from their reality. At the same time, when interacting with others who are «better» in some way, the individual tends to devalue everything they have, even though they may objectively have much more.

By tracing what leads to euphoria or despondency and by identifying the jabs of envy, we can realize our ouroboric illusory dream, our ouroboric inner full-value, our reference pattern, and our ouroboric inner inferiority. For example, an infantile owner of a new Mercedes-Benz may feel vulnerable if a Lamborghini owner lives nearby. This indicates that not only is "material welfare" built into their reference pattern, but to be happy, they must also "be better". When we learn to recognize that both ouroboric «happiness» and ouroboric «unhappiness» are components of the infantile personality structure, we can figure out how to break free from this cycle.

We need to relabel these illusory patterns of superiority and vulnerability in our consciousness – they should not be called "happiness/unhappiness," but rather "illusion of our own superiority/illusion of our own vulnerability".

Reference Pattern

How is the ouroboric dream formed, this mysterious reference pattern of the self and the world, upon the attainment of which ouroboric wholeness will come, and with which the infantile person constantly compares what is in reality? I believe it is formed throughout life under the influence of external circumstances, but the foundation is laid in early childhood. This reference pattern is a fantasy, assembled from parts similar to Lego construction pieces taken from different sets. The result is almost always meaningless and has little functionality in objective reality. The basic principle of forming this pattern is that it includes those elements that were lacking in the individual's life at various times. The most rigid constructions are formed if this lack occurred in early childhood, especially in infancy, when a person is inherently most vulnerable.

For example, if an infant was born to a cold and rejecting mother and did not feel loved, a detail called "Unconditional and Comprehensive Maternal Love" will be integrated into their reference pattern of «happiness». This is the kind of love the person will seek as an adult, without success, because such love is only possible between a sensitive mother and her newborn child and never occurs in normal adult relationships. This person will not be looking for a partner but for a replacement for the empathetic mother they lacked in childhood, who intuitively met all the needs of her baby.

Or, for example, if for some reason, an infant felt defenseless in childhood, a detail called «protection» will be integrated into their reference pattern. As an adult, this person will constantly seek external protection. If parents could not provide a stable environment during childhood, a detail called «stability» will be integrated into the reference pattern, and the person will perceive the absence of changes as "happiness".

However, since all these details – love, protection, stability, material welfare, beauty, etc. – formed the illusory reference pattern in the past, most often in childhood, they carry a childish, infantile vision of these concepts that have not undergone transformation. It is obvious that an infant and an adult understand concepts like love and stability very differently. A personality that has successfully passed all stages of psychological maturation changes its perception of these concepts. An adult will never be as defenseless as a newborn and, in most situations, can protect and provide for themselves. An infantile person, however, retains the notion of childish defenselessness in their reference pattern and seeks the kind of protection a child needs – comprehensive and often suppressive, as protection in childhood always involves a restriction of freedom.

Similarly, stability for a child and stability for an adult are different. Childlike stability, which is the absence of change, is often detrimental for an adult, who must develop. The lack of a stable financial position in childhood will lead an adult to seek money based on a childish idea of what it is and how to spend it.

This means that the illusory reference pattern is strongly detached from the reality in which a person lives. It corresponds to the reality of the age and conditions when it was formed. Additionally, it contains details that do not fit well together or contradict each other, such as "career success" and «stability». It is a dream-Frankenstein, made up of unmet needs from the past, plots of movies and books from youth, and dreams from different time periods. These disparate fragments are sewn together by the illusion of feasibility and dangled in front of the ouroboric personality like a carrot in front of a donkey.

In adulthood, this reference pattern is either unachievable (such as unconditional love) or, if achievable, dysfunctional and ridiculous. Upon achieving it, one realizes that the embodied dream does not bring satisfaction. For example, if a woman grew up in a family with an aggressive man, she felt defenseless and now seeks the kind of protection a child needs. She will find such protection and end up with an overwhelming and controlling husband. Later, she will complain to a shrink or friends that he "deprives her of freedom" and "does not let her breathe," making it «unbearable». Nevertheless, the ouroboric psyche will continue to strive for this reference pattern, ignoring reality.

I once overheard a conversation between two intelligent-looking women. One said to the other, “I have to go get a manicure, because I've been walking like a scourge[2] for a week. This phrase encapsulates a lot – from the sense of inferiority due to the lack of a manicure to the use of slang as a demonstration of vulnerability (exporting vulnerability) and self-criticism for not meeting her own standards. It becomes clear that this woman has a detail called «Beauty» in her reference pattern, which was incorporated in childhood and includes an obligatory component of external grooming. Any inconsistency with this plunges her into vulnerability and self-criticism, manifesting as calling herself unpleasant names. Such a woman might tolerate being rude, incompetent, or hysterical, but she cannot tolerate not having a manicure.

As mentioned earlier, the core of the reference pattern is based on unmet childhood needs, but it is replenished, modernized, and adapted throughout life. Adaptation is generally understood positively as adjusting to current needs. However, in ouroboric reality, adaptation means maintaining the impracticability and dysfunctionality of the reference pattern by adding elements that cannot be realized in the person's current life conditions. For example, my friend, after having a daughter with autism, reformatted her reference pattern by adding a detail called "Healthy Child," which is obviously unattainable at the moment. Consequently, her internal inferiority and external vulnerability grew, and everything that did not match the new reference pattern – essentially her entire real life – was devalued.

If we compare a person's life path to a bumpy road with relatively smooth places and deep holes, then in the world of Ouroboros, this road is flooded with water, hiding the roughness from the person walking on it. This water represents illusion. Where there are holes in the road, indicating a lack of something, there is a lot of water-illusions. A person walking along this metaphorical road, flooded with illusions, does not see its roughness and can stumble on a bump or fall into a pit. A person who has passed the ouroboric stage and matured into an adult personality is devoid of illusions. They live in the real world and clearly see the road they are walking on: they see the bump that must be crossed and the pit that must be bypassed. Such a person can minimize troubles from the unevenness of the «road» and plan their life because they know where they are going and how to make the journey from point A to point B as comfortable and safe as possible.

Full-value

I have already written that true authenticity, or full-value, is characteristic only of a psychologically mature person and is not available to an infantile one. A mature person knows exactly who they are and can rely on this knowledge in their daily life; they have no need to compare themselves with anyone, or if they do, it does not disrupt their inner equilibrium. The ouroboric personality, however, can only understand who they are by comparing themselves to others and determining if they are better or worse, or by comparing themselves to their own reference pattern and finding that they are always worse.

In the structure of the infantile personality, "ouroboric full-value" is the simplest and most linear concept. As Oscar Wilde said, "I'm a man of simple tastes. I'm always satisfied with the best". To achieve ouroboric full-value, one must connect with their reference pattern and realize all the details that comprise it. This seems straightforward, but the challenge lies in how to actually do it. Inferiority is like the ocean – vast and deep. Let's try to make sense of it.

Inferiority

While studying the structure of my personality, I had recurring dreams where I was walking barefoot on a dirty floor (in the common hall of my apartment building, in a public toilet) or on the dirt of the street (on my way from work to home). Sometimes, I would suddenly notice I was shoeless, or I was forced to take off my shoes by a public toilet worker who insisted they were clean and I would dirty them, despite the floor being covered in wet mud. In the dream, nothing prevented me from washing my feet and putting my shoes back on, but for some reason, I didn't do it. Reflecting on these dreams, I realized they symbolized «inferiority» (ouroboric «unhappiness» or vulnerability), a humiliated and helpless state I periodically sink into when comparing my life to my reference pattern or to others.

I believe that this sense of inferiority, combined with the illusion that someday something will happen – a chance encounter or lucky coincidence – that will end this inferiority and vulnerability and replace it with full-value and superiority, is what drives the ouroboric wheel. Inferiority is a crucial point in this system. Without immersing oneself in it, the illusion becomes unnecessary. Escaping this state is both easy and difficult.

It is easy because no one but ourselves forces us into vulnerability, and if there is coercion, we can resist it by simply refusing to humiliate ourselves. It is difficult because our entire previous life has been spent in this state, and we have no experience of life outside of inner inferiority.

Our experience of life follows this paradigm: comparing oneself with the reference pattern → inconsistency → «inferiority» → auto-aggression for inferiority → waiting for an «event» that will lead to a connection with the reference pattern to achieve «full-value». This means I carry the reference pattern of myself and my life, I do not match this pattern, I reject myself, and I am in a state of inferiority. While in this state, I believe in the illusion that it will end when the desired «event» happens. Simultaneously, everything else not included in this cycle is devalued. The «event» does not happen, the feeling of inner inferiority persists, and the ideal remains unattainable. It is necessary to break this vicious circle. To stop believing in the "event," to give up the reference pattern of oneself, to control the manifestations of vulnerability, and to get out of this state by an effort of will. And wait for the state outside of this rut to become a routine.

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Примечания

1

Ouroboros (lit. – «tail-eater» from ancient Greek οὐροβόρος from οὐρά «tail» + βορά "food, meal") is a serpent or lizard coiled in a ring, biting itself by the tail. It is one of the oldest symbols known to mankind, the exact origin of which – the historical period and specific culture – is impossible to establish.

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2

Scourge – jarg. a downcast, drunken person.

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