The bull and the butterfly
Alla Krasnova

Редактор Alla Krasnova

© Alla Krasnova, 2025

ISBN 978-5-0067-1392-5

Создано в интеллектуальной издательской системе Ridero

«Hermit, you’re going to your own place! Your path leads you beyond you and your seven devils.»

Friedrich Nietzsche» Thus spake Zarathustra.»

AFTER LOVE (part one)

1

Forty men, wearing eighty tarpaulin boots, walk in place. Eighty tarpaulin boots, with forty men sticking out of them, beat the heartbeat of her heart on stage. The heart that beatsся in the chest of a heavy and almost sloppily dressed woman sitting in the fifth row and snapping seeds. Her name is Eva and she is forty-five years old. She doesn’t look very well because she hasn’t slept and isn’t feeling well. Eva’s fingernails are marked with a black seed patch, and a black moustache appears on her upper lip under the tray, because Eva has something wrong with her male hormones. There are too many of them, probably because Eva has a masculine personality. But that doesn’t bother her, she’s more concerned with how the men on stage carry out the mission assigned to their feet and shoulders.

Eva has breast cancer, she found out about it quite recently. Eva herself is quite calmabout her illness. She doesn’t talk about it, making it nonexistent for those around her and partly for herself. It even seems to her that the realization of her own imminent end will benefit the art in which she is engaged, because she will put on a performance as if for the last time. Eva was out of work for a long time, so the energy of talent was translated into illness. And now art can’t cure her, but now she can give to art what she couldn’t give before.

«Think about it,» Eva says softly, «my dear men, stomp like real brutes. I want more passion, more energia! Bolshe sex, comrades, more sex! Why are you chewing snot like suckers? Be steady, comrades, don’t let us relax, «she says, not even looking at them and spitting out the husks of sunflower seeds on the newspaper from yesterday spread out on her lap. «Give me more fire, or there’ll only be smoke for now.» «Everyone says I have a man’s voice,» Eva says, launching into a very long argument that is very characteristic of her. «It’s beautiful,» she smiles. «I might even want you to haveeverything like a man.» For example, a member. But, apparently, I’ve only ever had a voice with the almighty, «she laughs hoarselyм смехом at her joke.

Everyone is already used to suchоjokes. Eva has a low, smoky voice, which is also called the voice from the bedroom. She sounds like that because раньше she used to smoke a lot. But now, due toher illness, she does not smoke, she has replaced smoking with clickingm seeds, the husk of which leaves everywhere. Eva quit smoking so that she could finish the show and see how the audience would take it. That’s why she wants to live longer. This is very important to her.She quit smoking not for the sake of her health, but for the sake of a theatrical production, which she must certainly complete and show to the audience.

Eva is the best theater director in the provincial city of K*, and she can do anything. You can click seeds in the theater and spit the husk on the newspaper. She can be littered and cursed anywhere and anytime, because she knows how to create. She knows how to create something enchanting and memorable on stage. Eva has the ability to create a theatrical performance that goes back to art. And this is very much liked by the management of the theater, which should show its performance in Moscow at the festival and thus provide itself with additional funding. This performance, which Eva creates, should become the hallmark of the city and pave the way for new funding and a higher status of their ordinary theater.

Eva hasn’t figured out what the show is going to be about yet, she’s still just thinking. And Eve thinks, snapping the seeds. She used to smoke godlessly and drink a lot, but when she was offered a job, she gave up both and switched to sunflower seeds. Ten years ago, Eva lived in St. Petersburg with her husband Igor, also a theater director, but something between them got upset, and Eva moved to the city of K*, where she was born. And my husband became a very famous theater director. No one knew why they’d split up after fifteen years of marriage, and Eve didn’t like to talkabout it. But she cherished the memory of him in her heart and communicated with him in her mind. Eva refused to cooperate with all the theaters, no matter how much she was offered. But when she was told that in Moscow she would compete as a director with her ex-husband, she agreed. Until then, Eva had eked out a miserable existence on the royalties of several films made about fifteen years ago, and she had had enough.

«Art begins with hate,» Eva says ironically to Pavel, who is sitting next to her, still cracking seeds. «It’s me, my soul, anticipating your question aboutwhy I’m swearing at the cast and why I’m sitting with a sour face,» she says to Pavel.

Eva prefers to be ironic in order to hide from the world, so as not to be invulnerableto those who want to touch her to the quick. Paul is an old friend of Eve’s, already fifty years old. He had once been in love with Eve, but that was a long time ago, before she was еще eighteen. He visits her periodically, because he still can’t forget her. But both he and she understand that nothing can happen between them.

«I didn’t ask anything,» Pavel replies, looking at the stage. – Have you already decided, what the show will be about?

«No,» Eve says, still cracking the seeds. – I haven’t figured it out yet.» – But I have already managed to wave the «intellectual phallus» in front of the noses of the theater management, so I can think as much as I want.

«You’re thinking sunflower seeds?» Pavel asks, smiling.

– Yes, it’s the only way to get away with spitting while looking at the stage.

– Why did you stop smoking and switch to sunflower seeds? Pavel asks.

– At my age, smoking is no longer appropriate, you need to smoke young people toshorten your life. And I feel like I don’t have much time left, «Eva laughs. «Yes,» she says in a more serious tone, «I’ve given up drinking and smoking, and mostly eating, but hopefully not for long. My body wasn’t made for art. The soul is made for art, but the body is not made. для искусства, а тело не создано, такая вот I take a cigarette from my silver cigarette case and light it, gasping for breath. Apparently, twenty years of continuous smoking had done the trick. I pour a glass of goodred wine and asIdrink it, I realize thatI’m going to have a fit soon. Belching or heartburn. Often they come to me together. Stomach and lungs deny me the right to enjoy the art of smoking and watch the smoke rings melt in the air. I can’t even get drunk with impunity anymore. So now all that’s left for me are seeds and emptiness. The healthy and the young will soon displace me from my director’s chair, from my miracleapartment, and from this vast planet. Okay, I wrappedit up, didn’t I? Eve smiles.

«Very life – affirming,» Pavel replies.

Hehates to listen to Eva’s self-deprecating ironyand look at her pitted face, because she was once a beauty and many people vied with her, including him. But Eva’s heart was beating exclusively for art, so sheеwent to St. Petersburg to «study as a director». And then she contacted her classmate, with whom they lived soul to soul for about fifteen years, they did not have children, because they had a passion for art. Ten years ago, Eva returned to her provincial town. She came back completely different, she was still good, but there was no fire in her eyes anymore. Eva began to drink a lot, and in ten years she went from a blooming woman to a в bloated woman who started the day with champagne and ended with red wine. Eve was getting drunk, and there was nothing she could do about it. She had gained more than twenty kilograms of extra weight, and her hair had turned gray and thinned, which was very noticeable. At first, she didn’t want to work for as long as she wasn’t offered. Pavel himself came to visit her, but she is no longer likethat – something broke in her, she was rapidly sinking, and she did not need to be rescued.

«I like it myself,» Eve smiles. – Talent, as they say, can not be drunk, although you can argue with this. Howare you doing, by the way?» Kak wife, lover? You’re sitting here in a gray suit, respectable as hell.» Especially it hits the eyes in our bedbug house. And I don’t likebeing slapped in the eyes.

Eva means this theater called «The Wind"by the bedbug. Before it was a hardware store, then it was converted into a cafe, and then just made a theater. But this does not prevent Eva from doing art, it amuses her.

«My wife is fine, and so are my children. Big ones already. And I’ve never had a mistress, you know.

– Comrades, more drive! If you walk like this, the audience may think that our «Vester» is blowing from the horse’s backside! Eva shouts at the male actors walking on stage-актерам. Eva doesn’t like to talk about families, about children, because she is already forty-five, and has no children. Previously, she believed that the director does not have the right to have children, so she did notlead them. «I wish I had a mistress,» Eve says, turning her head slightly toward Pavel. – It’s high time for you to put outthe hormone in the arms of fresh beautyok, otherwise it will soon be gone. Not a single one. And in my old age, there will be nothing to remember. Never mind, the wife will suffer, she is not the first, she is not the last. By the way, how do you like my stage-crunching days, bravo kicking in? she laughs a little artificially.

«What days?»

– Yes, these are days. These are the days in tarpaulin boots, and they are coming. I haven’t thought of anything else yet, but I will. And you look, look how they go! Soon your days will pass, and you will never have time to snatch at least some even the most stale seedy mistress from life.

Pavel looks at Eve, who is mercilessly snapping seeds, and he does not understand how she can mock his feelings so much. After all, he has loved her for more than two and a half decades.

«I think I’ll go,» Pavel says.

He knows that when he leaves, Eve won’t even give him a glance. And it’s true.

«I repeat once again,» Eva shouts to the receptionist who accidentally entered the hall, "I don’t need bow-legged individuals here, which you can’t tell from women from the far row without a detailed examination! Couldn’t there be forty normal men in the whole city with legs no smaller than forty-four? If not, then look for them at least all over the country! Where did you get these eggshakers for me? I needtheir footsteps to shake not their balls, but the entire Вvillage!

Eva stands up, forgetting to put the newspaper away fromher desk, and leaves a trail of sunflower husks behind her. But she doesn’t even pay attention toit. Because this is not a royal matter. Eva often uses this expression, occasionallyreplacing it наwith" none of your damn business.» Therefore, everything that is not her royal business turnsout to be a dog’s business. Eve prefers to clash polarities in everyone, because this creates a hurricane of contradictions in her, the energy of which she feeds. Eva is a person of passion, which left a deep mark on her appearance. Eva can’t live in peace. Calmness is torture for her.

«All boysare dismissed!» Eva says to the actors on stage. «The Lord is clearly overreacting byordering you menaround.

Eva isn’t in a good mood today, and she’s limping from sitting too long. Eva wants to smoke, but she can’t. When Eva is upset or in a bad mood, everyone is afraid of her. She doesn’t mince words. Eva does not like to be shy at all, because this prevents herfrom taking unnecessary people out of the theater and living the way she likes.

2

– And then there will be a fairy tale, new opportunities, a new life, a new theater and career, and you can play and play, until you are stupefied to play! ELona says, театрально falling dramatically on the pink-covered bed with her arm thrown over her head. «The main thing is to get out of here, to get out of here, where you and I have no future,» Ilona continues to say, smiling, her eyes fixed on the ceiling with a glint of steel. – Moscow, my dear Jean, Moscowwas created to make your dreams come true. Moscow is the place where all your dreams come true! Moscow is even better than paradise, because there is no sex in paradise. But in Moscow, everything is permeated with sex and a thirst for life, where everything is charged with electricity, a thirst for life and creativity.

Jean and ELona are lovers and the same age, who have already passed twenty-three springs. They’ve been living together for two years now. But they are not simple lovers, but those who want to legitimize their relationship inthe future. Jean is a professional engineer, and ELona is a professional actress. ELona really wants Jean to go to Moscow with her, so she wants to put him in the theater where she works. She thinks that they and the theater can go on tour together first, and then they can gain a foothold there, stay. She expects that he will be hired as an extra. Theonly thing that confuses Elona is that Jean is dark-skinned, and it seems to her that it is much more difficult to get a dark-skinned person into the theater. Because there is only one role for him-the role of Othello. Elona is a very beautiful blonde with very fair skin, she is haughty and proud, and Jean is dark and short. Together, they are a very interesting pair, like black and white, but it only looks beautiful on the outside, because inside this pair there is complete discord. They, as opposite sides of duality, want each other, but cannot be together.

– Yes, I’m tired of being a fairy tale to me, – недовольно says Jean, displeased.

Jean does not want to move anywhere and even more so becomes an actor, because everything suits him as it is. He is skeptical of ELona’s plans. What attracts him now is no longer the thought of Moscow or the theater, but its smooth, beautiful armpit, in which, as it seems to him, you can put a chicken.

«Just think, Jean, how many opportunities the capital can give us! In the capital, wehave completely different people, they are advanced. With your skin color, it will be very useful for us. Besides, the children we’ll have in about ten years ' time will probably be black, too, like you little negroesми. They’ll be much better off in Moscow than here in this shithole where everyone knows each other. At least in Moscow they won’t be called blackheads, they’ll be called afrosads, «Elona laughs. – Culture. Capital. Where Moscow is, there is culture and the capital. And I, a sinner, will stop playing all these moronic supporting roles and play something real, for which I am not ashamed.

In fact, Elona is not ashamed of anything, because she does not have this feeling. And the roles that she gets in the theater are not so insignificant as she says. And she plays much more than many actresses in this theater. But Elona likes to play nice. She will never say that she is doing well, because she will never give the world the honor of being nice to her. She will always accuse her life of inferiority, and see black even where it is not. It gives her an almost physical pleasure to speculate on how bad things are, adding to the imperfections of her fate and the world as a whole. In this way, it is as if she is trying to satisfy her need for aggression towards a world where, as it seems to her, she has been underestimated. Outwardly, it is cold and even reserved, but inside it is militant and aggressive.

Jean is so used to it that he doesn’t really react to Elona’s statements anymore. He wants to believe that she is not evil, but only pretends to be evil, because it makes it easier for him to exist.

«Why are you looking at melike that and not saying anything?» ELona asks, looking at Jean, who is sitting on a chair with his arm around the back of it. «Like I’m talking to walls.»

«What can I say?» «отвечает вопросом на вопрос Жан. – МI don’t think you’ve already decided everything for both of us.» You decided that we would live like idiots in Moscow, because if we don’t live in Moscow, then it’s better not to live at all.

«Whynot, like idiots? You’ll probably live there like an idiot, as a matter of fact, you’ll still live here. And I will live like a queen! Elona smiles. «It’s very good, Jean, it’s very good that you know who’s boss in the house,» Elona continues, a little haughtily, secretly enjoying her power over Jean. The gyration of the armpit tightens Jean. But Elona lowers the raised hand so that Jean, physically, becomes cramped and dark. – And you know how much you’ve put me through.» You’re different, «Elona says, referring to the color of Jean’s skin. – What was it worth just talking to your parents? So you owe me for moral damages.

Elona very often tells Jean how brave she is, that she is dating him, because he is «not like everyone else», because Jean is dark-skinned. Jean doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like her constantly pointing out to him that he’s special and that she’s «experienced a lot because of him.» Jean sometimes even forgets that he is «different» because everyone has long been used to his skin color, but with enviable regularity, Elona reminds him of this. Jean doesn’t know that Elona likes dating a black man, because it makes her «different from everyone else» in the eyes of manypeople «не такой, как всand makes her more visible, special, and stand out from everyone else.

Jean is sorry that Elona has lowered her hand, and that he can no longer contemplate her beautiful armpit, in which he would like to hide or bury his nose in it. This armpit reminds him of a cradle containing the wisdom of the mother’s womb. After Elona lowered her hand, Jean was forced to descend from heaven to the sinful earth. Previously, Jean refused to move to Moscow, because he could not leave his grandmother, who raised him. But recently, his grandmother died, so Jean no longer finds any significant arguments to answer Elona with a refusal. But Elona is going to Moscow through participation in the play that Eva puts on. Elona is sureнthat she will be seen in this performance and will definitely be noticed and invited somewhere. But this is not enough for Elona, she also wants Jean to be accepted into the crowd, because this will allow her not to spend money on his accommodation in Moscow when they go there with the performance.

«Okay, what should I do?» Jean mumbles to himself. – When are you auditioning for extras there? He asks wearily, not even looking at Elona.

Elona squeals with happiness andabruptly gets up from the bed, running to Jean to hug him. This outburst of emotion confuses Jean a little. Jeandoesn’t know where she’s real, but where she’s acting. Because if a few minutes ago she was arrogant and haughty, and now she behaves like a simple naughty girl. Jean doesn’t know, but whydoes he want to think that when she acts like a naughty girl, she is real, and everything else is just an image, a role that she skillfully plays.

«Well, you finally agreed! Elona says, putting happiness on her face. «You’ll see, this toad will take you,» Elona says quickly, referring to Eve. «I’ll ask for you, and she’ll take you on as an extra!» There are just such people as you are required. So quiet, «Elona kisses Jean on the head,» so nothing, «Elona kisses Jean on the neck,» and so that they can blend in with the crowd, «Elona kisses Jean sonorously on the ear, Jean frowns in displeasure. «Damn,» Elona suddenly seems to think, «if they don’t take you because of your skin color, I’ll smear you with my tonak or whitewash and chase you again.»

Jean winces, but not at the kiss on the ear, because it seems to him that she is serious about «chasing again».

3

Eve opens the first drawer of the dresser and looks at the contents of the drawer. It’s just a tradition for her to open the first drawer of her dresser and look through it before taking a shower. Eve opens this drawer like a morgue drawer to check if the dead that used to make her heart beat faster are still there. But it’s not just this drawer that Eve pulls open, it’s also the way she opens her soul to see if the memories that were part of her life so recently are still there. And they are always in place, because they are not replaced by new ones. Eva deliberately does not want to take new feelings from life, so as not to use them to expel the old ones. Usually Eva doesn’t take anything with her in the shower, no underwear, because all the underwear that is in this drawer is not enough for her. It is very expensive, and it is not enough for her. She hasn’t worn it in almost ten years, and it’s been in her dresser ever since she moved here from St. Petersburg.

After the first drawer, she opens the second drawer of the dresser and takes out some underwear without looking at it. This underwear is inexpensive, it is large in size, most often cotton. Eva doesn’t like the color whitebecause it makes her feel very dirty and old. Therefore, in the second drawer of the dresser lies underwear in various shades of pink and blue. She throws it on the bed to put on after the shower.

In the shower, Eva turnson the faucet, and cold water pours down on her body. Forty-five-year-old Eva shivers from the cold, but she endures without uttering a sound. Although if she started making sounds, no one would hear her anyway, because Eva lives alone. Eve realizes that she has to wake up. After cold water, it turns on hot water. Acontrast shower should help her get in shape and restore a little of her nervous system, which has long since fallen into disrepair due to Eve’s conflicted inner life.

Eva considers herself a director of the old Soviet school, so she understands that without discipline, nothing will happen at all. And Eva now needs this discipline, a daily routine and breaking bad habits to take a timeout before the inevitable end of her life. In the past, when she wasn’t working-a period that lasted foralmost ten years-she didn’t get up until the afternoon, but now she has to stick to the rules. She needs to get up at six in the morning so that she can go to the theater and be able to think about the production.

Eve switches the hot water to cold, which makes her feel good, and then cold water to hot water again. But it doesn’t make her feel good for long, because, when she’s warm, she starts thinking about what she looks like right now, at this point in time. And Eva doesn’t look so good. Or rather, it looks terrible. Eva is very glad that there are no zephyrs in her bathroom, because they would make her existence here unbearable. Eva looks down at her legs, realizing that her sagging breasts will allow her to see them in full. Eva’s legs are unremarkable, the same as almost any other age woman’s. The veins on them are a little swollen because the veins can’t handle her hot blood. But they don’t attract Eva’s attention; she often draws attention to her toenails. Evasmiles, because she rememberswhat she used to say when she was a child, that these are not just fingernails, but little windows that angels will always look out of. Eva always likedto invent something, and she still does. Eve looks at her fingernails, which belong to the toes of two of her feet, she looks at all ten nails, waiting for angels to look out of these nail windows. It’s strange, because прошit’s been more than forty years since they came up with this idea, and Eva is still waitingfor them… Because in spite of everything, Eva has not forgotten how to believe in a miracle. Eva has no right not to believe in a miracle, because she is a director, and not just any, but a theater director. Theater directors should definitely believe in a miracle, this is their professional skill. If she doesn’t believe in a miracle, it won’t happen. And on the stage, a miracle is a mandatory phenomenon, which cannot be dispensed with. Eva turns off the water, shakes himself off, almost like a dog after ado wdya, and the hands on which you can see the hair standing on end are covered with large goosebumps.

Eva doesn’t like to dry herself off with a towel after a shower, so she waits for the water torun off her самаbody and let it dry. Therefore, when she leaves the bathroom, she leaves wet footprints behind her. Feeling the water trickle down her back, Eve pours herself a cup of tea, which she prefers too strong and sugar-free. More often than not, Eva puts two teabags in her cup at once, but onlybecauseshe thinks that dying one teabag in a mug is somehow boringin general. Yewa presents himselfas a tea bag thatsimplyneeds to be immersed in a theatrical performance, because art requires sacrifice.

Sometimes, before she dries her hair and puts on her underwear, Eva wonders if someone is looking out the window at her. It wouldn’t have bothered her at all if they had. She would even be somewhat pleased to know that the torment of looking at her time-worn body wasn’t just for her. Eva had lived alone for so long that she had learned to entertain herself with interesting thoughts so as not to lose her mind. And one of the most interesting thoughts Eva considers thoughts about time, which performs thousands of actions on a person, as if putting experiments on him. Eve knows that time has two styles of human communication: in the first case, it repeatedly kicks in the ass treacherously, and in the second-politely or at least in a gentle mode.

Eva sits down on a chair to drink tea and looks down. She has gray hair everywhere, because time does not spare the bodyall the time. But Eva doesn’t want to accept beingstepped on her throat and other body parts since старостьYu’s old age, Eva still believes in a miracle. Therefore, she cannot, does not have theright not to believe in him, because in the next three and a half months she will have to create this miracle on the stage, or rather create all the conditions for it to happen, to happen. Eva takes a sip from her cup, and the black tea is renderedxia in her forty-five-year-old body. It is as if she sees this tea splashing brown water on her untreated жеstomach ulcer and mixing with gastric juice. She knows that her soul will not let her down and will give her everything she needs for creativity, but in the body she is not sure, but from the body she is waiting for a trick at any moment. But still, Eve hopes it doesn’t let her down. At least for the next three and a half months. What happens next doesn’t matter to Eve. She doesn’t make up her mind for so long. The main thing is to put on a performance, and then come what may.

4

«What am I going to tell her?» Jean asks, clearly in a bad mood.

Jean has tousled hair and a sleepy face. He doesn’t like the idea of asking to go to a theater where he doesn’t want to work. In fact, Jean hopes that he will not be taken to this theater. He’s almost certain of it.

«I don’t know, honey. You will say that you can’t live without the theater, you are delusional about the stage, you will say that you agree to work in the crowd from morning to night. Just show her your legs.» Legs are your entrance ticket to the crowd. You should have seen that toad all dressed up in furs last night. The furs on her shoulders and under her nose are also furs, «Elona laughs. «I can’t understand why everyone loves her so much. Personally, I can’t stand her. Nasty old toad. When I think that you will have to humiliate yourself in front of her, I even feel uneasy. But the end, as they say, justifies the means. Elona pours a bowl of liquid porridge and sets it on the table.

– what is it? Jean asks, looking at the porridge.

Jean avoids talking about the theater. He doesn’t like it all. He is quite happy to work as a math teacher at school. In addition, Jean is studying in absentia at a graduate school and is going to become a candidate of technical sciences.

«Can’t you see?» This is oatmeal porridge. What do you want, porridge made from ladybirds that haven’t been milked before? Elona grins.

«No,» he says sadly. «But it’s just the third day in a row that we’ve been eating oatmeal porridge. It’s a crazy thing to do.

«I don’t know. Someone, maybe, can go crazy, and you Zhanchik need to lose a couple of kilogrammesммof chicks, otherwise fat hangs from your impudent ryakhi жир свисает. So eat it. Besides, I can’t cook for us separately. I don’t have much time, I need to work on myself, study, develop plastic surgery. So eat it. Eat some oatmeal, Zhanchik. Well, don’t eat anything. I don’t care. Don’t forget that I have a major role in the play, and I have to appear in front of the audience in all my glory, «Elona admires herself in the mirror.

A mirror is Elona’s favorite object, and she always admires herself when she gets the chance. She would spend her whole life admiring only herself, because that’s the only way to make others admire her.

«Mmm-me,» Jean says. «It looks like food that has passed through my intestines more than once,» Jean says dejectedly, thinking, that this muddy and sticky mess is similar to his life, because both are swamps that he is fed up with.

«You know what I think when I look at our toad,» Elona says with a smile. «I think she’s so nervous, because no one’s fucking her.» It seems to me that this lady is very fond of young boys. If that’s the case, she might have her eye on you, and you might be able to make your way into the crowd through the bed. I’m already an adult, I’m a girl, so I understand that, in general, this is normal. So I’ll let you do it once. Close your eyes and think about Africa, «Elona laughs.

Jean drops his spoon and leaves the room.

«Noo Jean, where are you going, I was just joking! she shouts after him.

But in fact, Elona was not joking, she at all costs wants to get out of this city to Moscow, so she is considering all possible options. Elona was already twenty-three years old, and she knew that the time of her youth was inexorably passing, because you can’t always be young and beautiful.

Elona knows that even though Jean has lost his temper, he is not going anywhere from her, he will definitely come back, because he cannot help but love her. He had already left more than once and returned every time. She doesn’t worry about it, and it’s much more frightening for her that now she will have to swallow five full spoonfuls of oatmeal porridge cooked in water on her own. Sometimes Elona has a gag reflex as soon as she smells this porridge. But Elona tolerates, she will eat it through force, because it must be young and fresh, and without oatmeal, perfect skin is difficult to achieve. She wants to keep herself in shape, so she is ready to eat it through force, barely restraining the gag reflex. Usually, Elona tells herself why she eats this porridge, because to swallow it, you need an incentive. Before she starts eating, Elona sets herself up for about ten minutes to eat this porridge.

Elona puts the spoon in her mouth and then quickly swallows the porridge.

«To have all the looks you could ever want,» Elona says out loud. Usually, she does not specify what exactly she dreams of, because Elona is afraid to narrow down the range of her desires with specifics, and accordingly the range of their fulfillment.

«For having my own apartment in Moscow,» Elona says, taking a second spoonful.

«For men to fall in love with me, the richest and the best.» And thegood thing is that I did it, «Elona says, and hears Jean arrive.

Elona never eats a spoon for mom and dad, as she was usually taught as a child. Ohna thinks thatYe has grown up too much since then to think about other people now. She thinks about herself, and her priority is not close people, but success, recognition, fame.

Jean didn’t come empty-handed. He их bought chips and Coca-Cola at the store that is directly under theirм, house. Elona doesn’t understand how you can eat this stuff, but it’s what she тоже wants, too. So when she sawwhat Jean had in his hands, she immediately had a fit of irritation. On the one hand, ona does not understand how one can be so careless and socareless about eating junk food, and on the other hand, she understands that only such food gives her pleasure. But she doesn’t eat it, fearing that it will interfere with her success and fame, which she directly links to her appearance. A bad appearance is a bad fate, and a good appearance is a good fate.

«You’re just like that Coca-Cola,» she says sourly, not trying to hide her annoyance. «There are too many of them,» she says defiantly to Jean, who is sitting in front of the TV. – You can’t be so unselfish when you’re with a woman like me. A place with me, Jean, still needs to be earned. And when you have Coca-Cola flowing in your veins, it’s quite difficult to do this, «Elona swallows the last fifth spoonful of porridge with difficulty, completely forgetting to provide her with a wish, becausethe happiness depicted on Jean’s face makes it difficult for her to concentrate. She’s terrified that he’s going to crunch potato chips and enjoy it. Yey even wants to put a plate of leftover porridge on his head.

5

Eve puts the receiver down on the head of an old beige telephone and feels a sense of relief. She feels this relief at three and a half o’clock in the morning. She called her assistant Lenochka, who at any time of the day or nighthas to sit on the phone and wait for her call. Afterall, some unexpected thoughts about the performance can come to Eva’s mind at any time of the day or night, so Lenochka should be ready to write it all down and provide Eva’s thoughts with a material embodiment.

Eva has insomnia and can’t sleep. She knows that she won’t fall asleep, so she goes to kuh nude to eat sunflower seeds, dressed in a nightgown and with her hair tousled from sleepню есть. Now she will measure the time with handfuls of sunflower seeds until morning. Even many neighbors have noticed that в окнах Eva’s windows often по ночамhave lights on at night because Eva doesn’t sleep. Eva sits at the table and eats sunflower seeds. Her head is empty, because it has just freed her from the thoughts that long thoughts have brought from her dreams. ила ее мыслей, навеянных долгими размышленьями от ее снов.

Eve dreamed of herself. She saw herself in a dream, only she was much younger than her years. She was in her early twenties, and she was young and slender. Someone in a dream asked her for her first name, and she said, «Eva,» and then this same person, whom she didn’t see, asked for her middle name, and for some reason she answered: «The void». This dream conveyed Eve’s fears, which she herself did not realize. And these fears broke out from the subconscious. Eve was always afraid of this emptiness and felt a blood connection with it, as if she was its daughter, its offspring. That’s why Eva was afraid to be happy, because happiness empties, happiness drowns out the hum of the universe, which can only be obtained together with suffering. Eva condemned herself to suffer, because only through suffering could she give something to art and take something from it, and oddly enough, this is her complex happiness and even more – the goal of life.

In the dream, Eva saw herself in a bright red evening dress with a huge train. Eva saw herself from the outside, as if she were an actress. She ran up the stairs and kept turning around, smiling at someone. Eve felt alluring. Eve loved her face. Before the hormonal changes that occurred in her body, her face was considered very cute, almost beautiful. Eva herself thought it was beautiful, because in her youth she was very narcissistic. She had known from birth thatshe was destined for a special fate here on Pl Aneta. Only at first she didn’t know which one. But as she grew older, Eva began to realize that it was the filmmaking profession that gave her the power she wanted. Power over the world of your illusions.

Already starting to gradually move away from sleep, the idea was already spinning in Eva’s head that she should call Lenochka and tell her that in their в performance one of the main characters will be a woman in a red dress, a ghost woman symbolizing great love. And Eva also thought that we should order a spiral staircase that will stand on the stage during the performance.

Eva saw the whole world through the prism of aesthetics. She looked for inspiration and found it everywhere, including in her dreams. Eva liked to sleep, but only because she worked even in her sleep. Sleep was a work process for her. Eve knew that a clever idea or a good image could come at any moment. Inspiration can come when she goes shopping, cooks herself eggs, sleeps, or remembers the events of days gone by. Eve knew this, but it was remembering that she dreaded the most, because she could suffer not because of what had happened to her in life, but because of what had not happened in her life. Along with the memories came the realization of that. That she’d missed a lot of life, maybe missed life itself. Missed opportunities tore at her soul. Eve was acutely aware that she didn’t like her, didn’t make it as a mother, and was a bad daughter. She missed these opportunities.

Eve turns her head and looks at her watch. Looking at the clock often, Eva is particularly acutely aware that there is less and less time left. Before, she was rushing him, but now she wants to stop him, to feel the charm of life slipping away. But it cannot be stopped in life, it can only be stopped in the play. But in real life, it ticks, ticks, ticks. Seconds remind Eve of seeds, which she mercilessly nibbles with her teeth. Once, when Eve was a little girl, she had held up a chair and broken off the hands of the clock that hung in their living room. But despite this, time continued to pass, and this was the first significant discovery in her life. There are no arrows. But they are still ticking, time is still inexorably moving forward. When Eve thinks about time, she can’t think about the performance. Therefore, she turns off the time in her head and often turns off her head in general. She’d noticed long ago that it was easier to work with her head turned off. Because the soul begins to think. The head and time often prevent the soul from living in full force.

Eva came up with a ghost woman in a red dress, and in the play one of the main roles belongs to forty men who represent the forty days after the death of love. Eva hasn’t figured out how to put it all together yet, butshe knows that theиwhole picture will come back to her later. And when she clicks the seeds, she already feels the illumination coming. Eva hasnodoubt that the play will be ready on time. It is as if he is created by himself, and she only helps him to be born into the world. Like a midwife at birth.

Most of all, Eva likes the early morning, which comes around five o’clock in the morning. It’s a magical time for Eve. Usually at this time, when she is awake, she goes to the window to salute the newday that is emerging before her eyes like an ordinary officer. Eva serves every day of her life that she devotes to art.And her own life is measured not in the years she has lived, but in the performances she has createdва.

6

«If I come back tomorrow and this hole isn’t patched up yet, I’ll be very angry,» Eve saysin a voice that rings with the energy of discontent. Eva points to the floor, which has been breached by workers installing a spiral staircase on the stage. – Of course, I understand that the scene is feminine, but not to the same extent that it has such pronounced sexual slits. This, gentlemen, is already called pornography. And here we are doing art, and only sometimes pornography. So when I come back tomorrow, don’t let her be here. It throws me off the pace of my thinking, «she says, raising an eyebrow.

Eva generally jokes vulgarly and often laughs like a man, at her jokes. She can walk on stage в стороны with her arms outstretched and say, «Well, who else wants to try the commissar’s body?» It’s a joke, all her jokes are like that, and everyone laughs at them, because it’s Eve. She can easily approach some young actress with good forms and, looking into her cleavage, ask: «Well, how much is a kilogram of breasts today?». Everything is forgiven to her, but Eve does not let her get close to her, ordinary mortals should always know the distance and observe it, they should know what is usually expressed in the words: «Where are you, and where am I?» This can also be expressed и in the following phrases: «Admiral Nakhimov» and a small motor boat, Mother Earth and dust on the windowsill, the Queen and her subjects, as well as other comparisonsthat emphasize her importance. She is, of course, always the first, and everyone else is the second, which can change depending on her mood. But even so, everyone loves her, because the monarch is strict, but fair.

The workers know that Eva has a brilliant, profane Russian, sothey don’t knowwhat to expect if the hole isn’t repaired in time. But in fact, Eve doesn’t really care about this hole that only recently appeared. Eva just wants to say something, listen to her voice, expressherself. She feels a desire totalk and be listened to at the same time. She wants to play the role of a rebellious and angry woman, and she gives herself this role. She lets herself do it. If it hadn’t been for this hole, Eve would have found something to complain about. At the very least, she would have made this hole herself, and then spent a long time asking about who created it.

– Eva AlekSandrovna, I wanted to discuss with vami the candidacy of a friend of mine who wants to try his hand at extras, – says Elona, who waited until Eva quieted down a little.

Elona thinksthat Eva has already let off her steam, so now it will be possible to ask her for a favor, and she is unlikely to refuse. Sure, it’s humiliating for Elona to ask Eva to do anything, but it’s even more humiliating for her – to spend the rest of her life away from the capital. Therefore, Elon is not long, just for one conversation with Eve humbles pride.

– Andwhere do we hire these acquaintances?? Eva says in a hoarse voice, still on stage, as if casually. – Is your boyfriend, or as the young people say now, a fucker? Eve looks around slyly, hoping that there will be people willing to appreciate her sharp tongue.

«No,» Elona says rather harshly, also stepping onto the stagewhere Eve is standing. «A friend of the heart, let’s just say,» she adds, trying to hide her resentment at Eve’s overindulgence. Elona tries to contain her annoyance.

«I think I’m still a friend of some other organ,» Eve continues in her usual jovial, dismissive tone. «And not that much of a friend lately, judging by your nervousness,«she adds with a grin. «What kind of friend?» Moloda? Sexy? Talented? Active? She narrows her eyes theatrically.

«He’s twenty – three,» Elona says, not sure how she should answer Eve’s question. – Well, yes, he has good data.

«I don’t care about that data,» Eve smiles, pacing the stage. «The main thing for me is that my legs are nice and my ass, is like a nut,» she laughs, because she likes to provoke Elona and see how she wants to get angry, but can’t, because she’s afraid of flying out of the theater.

«He’s doing great,» Elona says, outwardly calm, feeling внутри her stomach churn with rage.

«Then we’ll take it alive,» Eve finally says, very calmly, as if she’s talking about cucumbers at the market. – And what’s the problem, – Eva thinks aloud, – let him come, let’s look at his legs, if the diagnosis is confirmed, then let him dance in the third row. I’m not sorry, as they say, «Eva sneers again, feeling the approval of those who have become an unwitting listener to their conversation.

Eva is often ironic. She’s nervous about it. And she laughs a lot, which is also nervous. She often laughs out of pain, she pumps the pain into laughter. It’s a stifled sob.She has a «laughing depression"that lasts for a long, long time.

– But there is one «but», Eva Alexandrovna, – Elona hesitates a little, squeezes out of herself, – Iас сразу want to warn the AC right away…

Elona refers to Eva exclusively by her first name and patronymic, but not out of respect, so as to show her how much she is no longer deeplyyoung.

«I’ve already counted two buts in your sentence,» Eve interrupts Elona. She always interrupts her to show her her place. «Is he gay, which means’ as good as you ' in English?» Eve suggests very haughtily.

«No,» Elona says, reddening with rage. «He’s just dark-skinned.

«Yeah, I’m not exactly gay,» Eve laughs. «This is an unexpected twist in this backward little town of ours, where there’s never been a nigger before!» – Oh, my God! «she exclaims. – I wonder who is cooler Negroes or gays?

«Jews! – laughing workers repairing the floor on the stage.

Elona is very tense. She’s not happy that she started this conversation, especially in front of everyone.

«Well, I’ve been thinking about it now, the desert is coming,» Eva says, flaunting her position as a director. – We must have at least one rainy day, otherwise all white ones are somehow unrealistic. Let him come. Yes, indeed, let him come, «she nods cheerfully.

«Thank you,» сквозь зубы выдавливает из себя Elona says through gritted teeth and smiles nervously, wanting to end this conversation that has become unbearable for her as soon as possible.

Elona has a huge dislike for Eve, and Eve knows it. She knows at the level of intuition who treats her and how. Eve has an animal’s nose. Elona feels bad about what she owes Eve now. Elona is sick of it.

Eva jokingly holds out her hand to Elona, as queens do to their subjects. Elona looks at Eve with horror, and Eve looks at Elona with challenge. She challenges not just Elona, she challenges beauty and youth in her face красоте и молодости, because Elona is considered oneof the most beautiful actresses in the theater. Eve had only fulfilled Elona’s request so that she could hold out her hand to Elona as if to kiss her. Eve sometimes allows herself small pleasures, such as angering her neighbor. Especially if this neighbor is female. Now her neighbor is Elona.

Eva pauses and bursts out laughing, breaking the tense atmosphere. Eva laughs, and her laugh is defiantly young and clear. And even right away, it’s hard to identify this woman holding out her hand to Elona for a kisswith her laughter. Because they are so different.

Eva leaves, and Elona can’t get over the spectacle that Eve played out in front of her and with her. But most importantly, Elona understands that Eve wasn’t joking when she held out her hand for a kiss. And that infuriates Elona. «An old rat, an old rotten rotten rat covered with age-old mold,» Elona says inaudibly.

7

Jean turns his head to the side until he feels the crunch of his neck vertebrae.

«Oh, good,» Jean says, trying to get Elona’s attention.

Jean is bored. So he turns his head again, but this time in a different direction, until his neck starts to crack again.

«What are you doing?» Elona asks after a pause, eyes closed, frozen on the floor in a meditative lotus position.

Elona meditates frequently to improve her acting skills and complexion. She doesn’t understand the meaning of meditation, but everyone she knows is meditating, and she is meditating, trying to convince herself that she is participating in something important. Jean brightens up at her question. To make Jean perk up, you just need to ask him what he’s doing, and he’ll make sure to come up with what he’s doing, even if he’s not doing anything.

«I’m trying to broaden my horizons,» Jean says, «so that I can see more than just that you’re avoiding me and not noticing me. But I’m afraid I’ll break my neck and never see anything new in our relationship.

Jean likes to give such answers. He belongs to the category of men who spend their whole lives trying to make jokes, but in the end they never really joke.

«I don’t mind you breaking your neck, but only after you get a job in this freaking crowd and we move to this freaking Moscow,» Elona replies coldly, already tired of meditating and not averse to entertaining herself with a conversation with Jean. – You don’t know what it cost me to persuade that mustachioed, stinking, bloated toad. I literally stepped over myself. I’ve lost my virginity for the second time. I’m mentally violated. And you don’t appreciate anything I do for you.

– Since when did Moscow get freaking fucked up? She used to be a paradise on earth for you.

«Don’t cling to words. It is still a paradise, and our goal with you is to pave, drill, and carve our way there with the help of the theater. The theater, in this case, is a slotting machine, a drilling rig, our tank, on which we will enter a new life. And believe me, Jean, this is my life waiting for me. She is already living in the future.

«So she’s just waiting for you?» «All right, then,» says Jean. But somehow I thought you had a higher understanding of art, and that turned out to be just a means to Moscow, «Jean says, annoyed, wanting to tease Elona.

«Don’t be a whiner,» Elona says in her usual way. «That you even know anything about it?» At least I graduated from the theater institute, and you’re generally hot on the side. Art is what I do best. My mother is an actress and my grandmother, who knows what theater and art are like if not me. And you’ve never even been to the theater, no matter how many times I’ve called you. So don’t perform here, child of the ' 80s Olympics. Pray that this vixen will at least approve you for this fucking crowd, because this is your only chance to go to Moscow with me.

Jean doesn’t say anything to Elona, because he’s sure that he won’t even be accepted as an extra, and in his heart of hearts, he’s even glad about it. But Jean really doesn’t like Elona’s position on this issue, he would much rather have Elona use a dominant position in bed than in life. But for her, the role of a rider was more like in life, and Jean can’t do anything about it. Despite his rather young age for a man, Jean already wants to get married and start a family, he wants children. But Elona doesn’t need any of that. All she wants is money and fame. She really believes that someone is waiting for her in Moscow. Previously, she considered Jean as a temporary option, but then she somehow got used to it, she even stopped noticing his dark skin color and his bright soul. For her, everything was equally gray, except for the bright alluring and glowing night lights of Moscow.

Jean pretends to be offended. Jean doesn’t look at Elona, but lowers his head as if he’s offended, and Elona finds that annoying.

«Jean, my little black baby, look at me,» Elona tells him. «Or is your neck completely broken?» Look at me and saysomething in your huge mouth.

Jean is silent. He hates it when Elona calls him baby boy, and Elona knows it. She says that on purpose to annoy him.

«Jean, why are you so offended? Elona is still sitting on the carpet and on the floor. – What’s wrong with you pouting like a mouse on its rump?» Like a black mouse on a black rump, «Elona adds, smiling. – Or are you afraid that if you start talking, black words will come out of your mouth?» Elona laughs.

Jean doesn’t like that the subject of Elona’s ridicule is his skin color. He had grown tired of these jokes in his entire life.

«I think it’s beneath me to answer your questions,» Jean says, and stands up abruptly.

– Yes, much lower, – almost immediately retorts Elona displeased. – I haven’t seen your high dignity in a while.»

Jean leaves the room, realizing that his entire life together with Elona consists of small and big scandals, and one scandal after another, like trailers. But why does it seem to Jean now that the train of their relationship is going nowhere, and he periodically wants to get off this train at the first stop? And sometimes even jump out of it on the move.

8

«Yeah, shut up, Mom’s not home,» Eve says to her phone, which is bursting with calls.

Eva has an old cell phone with peeling paint around the edges. His name is Fedya, although more often Eva calls him Fedunchik. Eve often gives things names that have served her for a long time, because it’s more interesting for Eve to live that way. In part, she animates them, because she is very lonely and has no children. She doesn’t want to change it, because she got used to it, got attached to it, and it became like her own.

«Well, shut up,» she says to the phone in her pocket, which won’t stop ringing. «Ah, Jean, Jean, my dear Jean,» Eve says, snapping the seeds. – And why sobstvenno Zhan, this is somehow not in Russian, you can even say not in Christian, can I just call you Vanka? Now, Vanya, if I wasn’t married to art, «she continues, not waiting for an answer,» you wouldn’t have untangled yourself from the mighty web of my bed sheets ever.

Jean doesn’t understand why she’s talking to the phone, or why she won’t turn it off if it’s bothering her. Jean is embarrassed. He didn’t know that Eve would talk to him like that and snap seeds at the same time. It reminds him of a huge car by the click of seeds. Eva is completely engrossed in devouring the sunflower seeds, only occasionally glancing at Jean from under her un-plucked eyebrows. And those stares go right through him like lightning. The interview with Eva is more like a monologue from Eva, because Jean is silent all the time.

«All right, asshole, call me if you like it better,» Eve says to the phone. «I can see you don’t really want to impress me,» Eve says, turning to Jean and burping suddenly. Eva burps because her stomach is working too well. «I’m sorry,» Eve says, not at all embarrassed that she made that sound in front of a young man, as if there’s only one law that applies to her: what’s natural isn’t ugly. – I publish burps in millions of copies, instead of smiles. Age obliges, «Eve jokes, and Jean is almost shocked by the joke. «I’m sorry you don’t want to seduce me, it’s a little upsetting,» Eve says in a mannerized voice, as if she’s a little offended by it, and Jean doesn’t know if she’s joking or serious. «After all, in order to be in my good graces, all you have to do is have some less – than-ordinary sexual abilities,» Eve says, popping another seed into her mouth and giving Jean a sly look. «I’ve been told so much about you,» she shakes her head.

Jean doesn’t want to ask what exactly they told her, he’s afraid, because Elona can say anything about him. Everything that happens reminds him of a dream, and Jean just waits for it to end. Eva likes to shock, and Eva shocks Jean, and then looks at his reaction and rejoices, enjoying the fruits of her shock. She likes to shock with her words and behavior. That’s why Eva really likes meeting new people who don’t know what to expect from her yet.

«Dead,» Eve says as the calls stop. «Do you like sunflower seeds?» Eva asks him at a job interview where she should be more interested in his acting skills. But Eva always had her own style and method.

«Not really,» says Jean, dejectedly.

«Okay,» Eve says, not at all surprised by his answer. – I don’t like them either, but what’s so good about them?“ Your hands get bad if you snap them, your teeth get bad if you snap them, and there’s a lot of garbage from them. But what if they were the only ones who could kill time so well? You know, I’m a professional time killer, and sunflower seeds are my favorite weapon, „Eva laughs, setting up a one-man theater where she plays.

«Shall I go?» Jean asks a little shyly, not wanting to offend this extravagant lady.

«Well, go on, go on, sexy,» Eve says, looking at him intently, still snapping the seeds. «Oh, by the way, you’ve been taken,» she says to Jean.– The interview was completed successfully.

Jean looks at Eva in horror, trying to tell Eva that he doesn’t understand her. He doesn’t understand that Eva calls cute guys sexy for the simple reason that she just doesn’t know what else to do with them, especially if they’re actors in her theater. But Jean now clearly understandsthat he does not want to work in the theater and wants to tell her about it right now. Before it’s too late. Butsuddenly her phone starts ringing again, and she reaches into her pocket for it, thinking that her conversation with Jeanis already over. Jean doesn’t dare disturb her, so after a moment of confusion, he leaves.

«Well, why should I call so insistently, if you are not uniformed donkeys! Eve says into the phone, and that’s the last thing Jean hears before he leaves the room.

9

Lenochka’s hand is propping up her head, and Lenochka’s head is resting on her elbow. And this head is of great value to Lenochka at the moment, because in this head, as on a forgotten planet, only one image is spinning – the wire silhouette of a person. Lenochka had just heard about this image on the phone from her God, her queen, and part-time director named Eva. Now it’s not just the head of a single female individual, but the head of a single female individual, filled with the task received from Eve. Therefore, Lenochka takes care of this head, she even put it on her elbow, as on a pedestal, and this head is now working on what the Great Eva told her.

Lenochka is an assistant director, and since Eva is a God for Lenochka, she can rightfully consider herself an assistant to God. Lenochka is twenty-five years old and married, but she is not very interested in this, because all her interest lies in the field of theater and serving him and Eve. A sense of belonging to the creative act is what Lenochka is looking for with all her heart and what Lenochka is striving for. In the theater, she allows herself to be called Lenochka, but when she comes home, everything changes. Lenochka does not allow you to doubt that she is Elena, cold and domineering, and no matter what gait her husband walks around the room, it can be called walking on tiptoe. You should be afraid of Lenochka, you should be afraid to interfere with her thoughts, she put herself in this way, because even at home she lives in the theater and thinks about it in full force.

– Alain, where are the cutlets and ketchup? Did you buy it? – Lena’s hungry husband Igor asks in bewilderment.

Igor calls his wife Lenochka, Lena, Alena, he likes it better, because in the name of Alena and Lena, according to Igor, there is much more femininity and domesticity, which his wife lacks so much. But in fact, Lena is not her name at all, according to her passport, she is Lera. Igor was very confused by the letter «er» in his wife’s name, so he decided to replace it. With this name, he tries to correct her character, to inform him of the missing qualities. After all, how many beautiful examples: Elena the Beautiful, Elena the Wise, Alyonushka-there is something to strive for. Lenochka, who was born Lerochka, in general, does not mind. She doesn’t care at all, so she still lives under a false name, and everyone calls her by that name. She was used to it, and had long ago reassured herself that a wife was an actress in her husband’s theater. Even if he had called her by any other name, she wouldn’t have noticed. Such everyday details do not interest her, Lena can only be interested in real dramatic art, which can accommodate the whole world with all its versatility. Since his wife began to bear the name Lena, her character has not changed, but Igor reassures himself that if she had remained Leroy, it would have been even worse. Sometimes he feels that the letter «er», which he banned and removed from her real name, breaks free and shows itself in all its glory.

Igor is fourteen years older than Elena, and he works in a field far removed from art. They have been married for more than five years, but they do not have children together, because Elena does not want to waste time on this. In general, she married Igor in order not to waste time on love affairs and devote all her time entirely to the theater. Igor was a good way for her to save time on her personal life and give it to the theater. Lenochka wanted to love the theater and give it her time under the guise of marriage. Igor was almost the first to pay attention to the nondescript Lenochka. They lived in the same building. Igor knew Lena from childhood, she grew up before his eyes, and sometimes, looking out of the windows, he saw her walking to school. Igor could not have imagined that in some ten years he would marry this very girl when she grew up.

«No,» Elena says, furious that Igor is distracting her from her thoughts about the play. «If you want, stab me, my blood looks like ketchup too, but don’t stir it.» I think.

Elena often responds like this, she hates household chores. He starts to annoy her when he asks her for something. Igor and Elena are very different, he likes what she doesn’t like. But Igor loves her even more, because he sees mystery behind her rather ordinary appearance, and at his age this is just not enough. When the temperament declines, contemplation usually takes its place. And it is very pleasant for him to contemplate the mystery of Elena every day. Left alone with him, it is as if she sheds her ugliness and becomes for him so beloved mysterious and alluring. But with all this, Igor does not need an assistant director at home, he needs a wife, but Elena does not think of herself in any other role, except for the role of Eva’s assistant.

For a long time, Igor was considered a bad family man and a philanderer. He had a lot of women, and he knew how to seduce them, but they quickly bored him. He divorced his first wife because she found him in his own home with a mistress. From their first marriage, they had a son, also named Igor, who was already nineteen years old. When the first wife filed for divorce, Igor sincerely did not understand why she did it, as he sincerely considered infidelity as a matter of course. But with Elena, it was different, she could not get bored with him, because she could not initially be considered caught in his love net. He began to court her, to show her signs of attention, but she remained cold. Nevertheless, Elena herself suggested that he get married. She just came to his house one day and said from the doorway: «Probably the best thing for us to do would be to get married,» despite the fact that she didn’t love him and there wasn’t anything physical between them yet. Igor had no choice but to agree, because Elena conquered. It was not his flesh she had conquered, but his mind and heart. Elena’s heart could not belong to any man, because it belonged to the theater. No one could understand why Igor married her, because they were so different. Igor himself did not understand this, but it seemed to him that it simply could not be otherwise. There was only one word for it on his part, and that word was love.

– Apparently, cutlets in this life are not provided for me, – says with a sigh. He doesn’t want to react any differently to his wife’s passage about her blood and ketchup. – And instead of cutlets, he had cow cakes of fate, – Igor says thoughtfully, hoping to somehow smooth out the situation with the help of humor.

Igor always has a supply of fast food sitting on the top shelf of the hanging cabinet, because he knows that his wife is unlikely to cook him dinner more than two or four times a year. He also asked about the cutlets, not to call his wife to account, but just to start a dialogue with her. But it didn’t help, which is understandable, because now Elena, as an assistant director, is working on the main performance of her life, which will go to Moscow. Therefore, it is better not to disturb her. Igor is glad that he has a stock of instant noodles, he only wishes that he has a family happiness of instant cooking or at least just his recipe.

«She’s a genius,» Elena says thoughtfully, as if all of a sudden her secret thoughts are coming out of her mouth. «You have no idea what she came up with today,» Elena continues, referring to Eva. Elena seems to be voicing her thoughts, which have been spinning in her head for a long time. «That wire silhouette of a man standing in the wind, who can be seen right through, it’s just a godsend,» she looks up at Igor. «We need to search for him immediately. We need to find someone who can do it properly. So, «Elena says quickly, abruptly changing her tone from dreamy-wistful to dynamic-businesslike,» don’t bother me now, don’t say a word to me now, go get busy with your cutlets or read something, «Elena says quickly, waving her hand at Igor.

Elena doesn’t even look at Igor, she doesn’t even know if he’s still in the room or not. It doesn’t matter to her, she doesn’t want to spend even her mental and visual efforts on it. «I have a lot of things to do right now,» she says quickly, already opening her laptop to find the right information on finding the right wizard. – I have a lot of things to do, just a lot of things to do, «she says, very softly now, speaking her thoughts aloud as the blue screen of her laptop lights up her gray face from sleepless nights.

10

«There’s a good view of these objects from up here, but it doesn’t have the necessary degree of perversion to make me like it,» Eva says.

Eva is talking about the objects on the table. This is a salt and pepper shaker, white napkins in a yellow wicker basket.

«Perversions? Vasily asks, puzzled.

Vasily doesn’t really want to chat with anyone, but out of respect for the lady, Vasily can’t help but answer her at least something.

«Yeah, perversions, revelations,» Eve says, glaring at the salt and pepper shaker sitting on a small stand. «Perversions as revelations or revelations as perversions,» she laughs. – For me, these are pure revelations spilled in space, but many people call it perversions, so I immediately said so to make it clearer.

Eva and Vasily are sitting in the dining room. Eva doesn’t care who she sits with, so she often sits at any table. Usually, Eva chooses a table where someone is already sitting, and it is desirable that it be a man. Eva is very lonely, she wants to communicate, she wants to chat, she wants to make an impression. She wants to be looked at in the mouth, and that she clearly felt the impact of her feminine charms. Today she sat down with Vasily. Vasily likes to eat alone, but he did not object to her eating with him.

Vasily has many things to do and many daughters, and the second invariably gives rise to the first. Vasily looks to be about fifty years old, and he has to work hard to collect a dowry for his children. All his life, Vasily wanted a boy, a son, so he asked his wife to give birth to another child, himself, as a child, hoping for a miracle in the form of a long-awaited boy. As a result, Vasily had five daughters, and he loves them, probably just as much as he would love a boy, only it takes five times more effort and money to raise his daughters than a whole herd of boys. Vasily explained the presence of five daughters for himself as karma, so he works with special diligence, not being afraid of any work. Vasily is not particularly fond of art, but the theater is full of work for him that can be done with his hands, and he does it. He sets decorations, puts down parquet floors, repairs chairs and armchairs, completely without thinking about what they mean for art, he does all this for the sake of his children, because they pay for this work.

Vasily saves money, so in the dining room he allows himself quite a bit. He buys only porridge, most often buckwheat, and drinks compote. Everything else on the menu for him is excesses that he can’t afford. And in the life menu, he chooses only work and a short sleep for himself, so that he can restore his strength. Vasily is not a devout person, but he has things that are sacred to him, such as his family. He does not serve art through work, but his descendants, and this is a heavy cross for him and hard work. Therefore, Vasily’s hands are covered with rough skin, and he very rarely smiles, almost never. It seems that his mouth has even forgotten how to smile. A smile for Vasily is already something superfluous, since there is no tangible benefit and benefit from it. You can’t marry off your daughters with a smile, and you can’t collect their dowry for a smile.

«What’s wrong with them?» Vassily asks, because Eva has something to say.

He’s not really interested in this conversation, but he can even step on the throat of common sense out of politeness, especially since Eva herself is sitting next to him. Vasily has one of his daughters who wants to become an actress, so Vasily obliges himself to look interested in Eve, you never know that maybe in the future this will help him attach his daughter to the theater.

«It’s all too right. It’s too much, «Eve says, with two potato patties on her plate. – But if you take salt, – Eva takes a salt shaker, – and put it on the side, – Eva puts the salt shaker on the side, – and then put a fork on all this architecture, – Eva puts a fork on the salt shaker, it will be much better, – she smiles, creating a masterpiece.

«And what will happen?» Vasily asks, trying to look interested.

– Table heart, beating in the chest of this fork, sobs over the lopsided universe, which had so much salt that you could salt two of my cutlets, as well as a bunch of other cutlets, – Eva says with a long sigh and looking into Vasily’s eyes.

«How can she cry if she has an iron heart?» – Vasily answers unexpectedly for himself.

Vassily doesn’t know what to say, so he lowers his eyes to his plate so that she doesn’t see his confused and worried look. For Vasily, all this is nonsense. Vasily wants to start eating quickly, so that his busy mouth can justify his incorrect silence. And to Eva, who wanted to shock Vasily, it seems that in the field of metaphors this simple man has progressed much deeper than she has. And she herself is in great delight from him, bordering on shock. Indeed, she thinks, an iron fork heart is incapable of compassion.

«Golden words,» Eve tells him with theatrical pathos. – Golden words.

11

Eva prefers not to leave the impasse, but to take off, and take off in a red dress with a red fur cape. And the more red, the better. When Eva puts on a searing red fur coat or cape, she acts as if she’s just put on the first rag she sees. And when Eva really puts on the first thing that comes to hand, she begins to wear it with a special grace and grace, as if this outfit has a sacred meaning, and she chose it for a long time. Eve has a game in it that begs to be played out in any situation.

Dead end for Eva is a concept that is deeply connected with creativity. Moreover, the more powerful this deadlock is, the better. Because the more global a dead end is, the higher the take-off, and it is on such dead ends and take-offs, according to Eva, that art is based, it is based on the wave created by a sharp change of events. Eva, in her own directorial way, is glad of the dead end, glad of the thrill of the dead end. And the sharper the better. After all, in order to escape from it, you must first get into it. And now Eva is at a dead end, she does not know what to do next in the play, it «got up», and life in it froze. Eva understands that the situation is hinting to her that she needs to gather all her strength for takeoff. She understands this very well, because she has devoted her entire adult life to this work. Eva is aware of the given impasse, which means that a breakthrough is coming soon. Eva feels it, even things don’t listen to her, everything falls out of her hands, announcing that the end is coming and at the same time the beginning of something new. The beginning of a new step, a new flap of wings, a new upward movement towards the truth.

Eva’s red fur cape smells like perfume. This perfume is called «Red Moscow». Eva has been smothering them all her life because she doesn’t want to look for something new. She looks for a lot in art to spend more energy on the search for something new for life. In life, Eva is a monolith and a retrograde, and she is proud of it. Many people are already used to the fact that Eva dresses extravagantly, but some people are discouraged by such «don’t understand what» appearances. For example, this red dress and cape are already a hundred years old at lunchtime, it already smells of mothballs and is morally outdated, but this, in Eva’s opinion, should not concern anyone. She likes it so much. Eva didn’t dress like this for herself or for the audience, she dressed like this for the theater in which she serves. She’s dressed like this to meet the revelation and take off from the impasse she anticipates.

«My God, there’s so much fire! There’s an ocean of fire here! An elderly man greets Eve. «Greetings, my angel, my soul, my queen!» The red queen! Sidor bows like an old man, trying not to betray how hard it is for him to do this, before Eva and kisses her hand. The whole process takes just over a minute.

Sidor is eighty-four years old and an old actor. In fact, according to the passport, he is not Sidor. Sidor is his pseudonym, or rather it is a name formed from his surname Sidorov. But this name has grown so attached to him that Sidor himself does not remember his real name. There are no roles for him anymore, although he really wants to play. Sometimes he comes to the theater just to sit quietly in the audience and remember his youth. After his wife died, that’s all he cares about. He is devoted to this theater with all his heart. He remembers Eva when she was a little girl and used to disappear here for days and nights. Back then, he was Eve’s idol. Now that Sidor has become a shriveled, frail, dried-up old man, he only regrets one thing that he never played Korol Lear. And now it is very painful for him to think about it, because where is Shakespeare, and where is he with his diapers, daily pills and approaching him, like artillery, «ducks». Old age makes fun of him, it mocks his spirit, which is still young and wants to live.

«I’ll take the queen,» Eve says, giving Sidor a stern but sly look, «and the angel is still a long way from me.» The nose isn’t big enough, «Eve says with an ironic smile, as thermonuclear energy flies through her.

Eva does not seem to notice Sidor’s senile infirmity, she talks and jokes with him on equal terms, not letting him understand that he has long been written off for scrap by the theater management. Although Sidor would have preferred to be written off for scrap, because only ten or fifteen years ago he knew how to hold a punch, and his back was always straight, as if he had swallowed a stake. But even metal gets tired, there is a concept of «metal fatigue», but Sidor does not know how to deal with it, because his spirit is still intact, and his soul is still burning with the desire to do something. But in reality, the death of his wife had left him severely crippled. Without her faith in him, his health failed, and he even found it difficult to walk or talk. Eva really wants to find him a role in the new play, but he is not suitable for any of the roles. But Eva is thinking about it, and she will definitely come up with something, because she was created for this. Eva is made up for making things up.

«I have a present for the red director,» Sidor says, a little embarrassed, and takes a bag of sunflower seeds out of his old leather briefcase. «For such a lady, they should be diamond seeds, of course, but nature refuses to produce diamond seeds,» he smiles. – Although, maybe, for our director, she will make an exception and release seeds with a diamond peel, – Sidor smiles sweetly.

Sidor is very gallant, he always tries to please Eva with something, because he feels in her the same love for the theater, the same irresistible passion for the theater that he has.

«If they were diamonds, I’d break all my teeth,» Eve says.

«No, you wouldn’t,» Sidor says very quietly. – After all, you can even handle art, so you can’t afford diamonds.»

Sidor leaves, his old shadow gliding down the stairs. This shadow turns out to be what Eve needs to see in order to understand something very important. Sidor walks unevenly and quietly, because old age, like a mad dog, has torn his flesh. Eva understands that art is built on the bones of people like Sidor. But Eve wouldn’t help him walk up the stairs, or take his arm, so as not to humiliate him with her support. Eve would watch him walk away as if he were still young and full of energy, and he would feel it on his back. When Sidor leaves, Eva realizes that the takeoff from the impasse has taken place. And she hears the invisible angels who patronize the arts, as the fans in the stadium chant her name» Eve!».

12

Lenochka takes fifteen steps and ascends the stage. She’s alone in the gym, it’s late, and everyone’s gone home, and Eva’s the last one to leave. Before going up to the stage, Lenochka sat in the audience for a long time and looked at the stage. She doesn’t remember how long she sat for an hour or two, or maybe just a few minutes. When she thinks and looks at the stage, time passes unnoticed, it even seems to cease to exist for her, so she does not notice it. Lena has a watch on her hand, but she doesn’t want to look at it. This is unnecessary, because she now has other tasks, other plans.

The fifteen steps to the stage were not easy for Lena, who felt as if a pair of heavy weights had been strapped to her feet, and the weights increased their weight as she approached the stage. When Lena appeared on the stage, she realized that she could not even move. Lena likes to be alone in the audience, sometimes she even goes up to the stage to say something on it, but it doesn’t work out. Art magic doesn’t work. And Lena just stands on the stage, realizing her helplessness. Every time she goes up to the stage to say something on it, to say it for herself, because at this moment she is watching herself from the audience. But Lena doesn’t succeed. She’s too stressed out to do anything. It cannot renounce itself, it cannot allow itself to be so completely dominated by art as to become a part of it.

Before Eva, Lena’s idol, left, they discussed the play. They talked for a very long time. The whole conversation lasted about five hours, because it was necessary to discuss many organizational issues, related to the scenery and props of the actors. Eva told Lena that the play they are all working on will be called «Forty Days After Love.» His idea will be that after the death of Love in a relationship between two people, love, like a person, does not immediately leave this earth, and its soul lives for forty days. Eva decided that the role of the ghost of love would be played by a very slender and tall girl in a long red dress with a train. In the first act, she will run up a spiral staircase that was recently installed. Also in the play will play forty men in tarpaulin boots, who will portray forty days. From time to time, they will appear on the stage and march loudly like soldiers. And in the very heart of the performance and in the center of the stage there will be a wire silhouette of a man with outstretched arms. It has already been manufactured, delivered and delivered. It was the wire-wrapped void that Eve needed to open up the idea. Which of the actors would be the main character, Eva hadn’t decided yet, but Lena could tell by the look in her eyes that she already knew. The idea for this performance finally took shape when Eva looked at the shadow of old Sidor sliding across the degrees. The shadow gliding down the stairs made her think of a gradual departure from the universe and a quiet farewell to it. Now all that remained was to fill the performance with dialogues and live words, and rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.

Lenochka stood in front of the wire man and looked at him and through him. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She knew that there was nothing she could do on stage or in real life. It was as if she was observing herself and seeing how incompetent she was in her own right. And her mediocrity does not consist in the lack of acting talent, her mediocrity is much broader – she is incompetent as a person. She doesn’t know how to live. Lena understood that the most important thing in this life she does not know and does not have, because she does not know how to live. Life is only activated in her when she sees Eve. Lena had already caught on to the fact that if Eva was going somewhere, then she wanted to follow her. Eva has so much unfading life and passion for life that it overflows. That’s why it’s so important for Lena to be close to her at least sometimes, to feed off her energy.

Lenochka leaves the stage in tears, without uttering a single word on stage. She doesn’t look at her watch, she doesn’t care what time it is, because she’s not in a hurry to get home to her husband. The husband in her life is superfluous. Sometimes she seriously forgets about him, as if he never existed. And only when she runs into him by accident in her apartment or stumbles upon him in her bed does she realize that it is he who exists in her life as the inept truth of life.

– You stay up late, – says the caretaker, who also works in this theater, to Lenochka, who passes by him, – this is wrong. At this time, you need to guard the family happiness, «he smiles.

But Lenochka does not take his words seriously, because she has nothing to guard. There is no happiness in her family life.

13

White touches black, and black touches white. White with black and black with white caress each other, kisseach other’s comfort. Black on white and white on black. White and black, and between them physical love. Elona under Jean. Jean on Elon, and Elon on Jean.

«There!» He points Elon’s slender, elegant leg up toward the kitchen. Elona’s foot, with its ballerina toe stretched out, reminds Jean of an arrow pointing in the right direction. «Get me some water now, or I’ll die of thirst!»

Thirst is the key word that defines Elons. She has a constant thirst in almost every sense of the word and at all levels of life. And after this thirst is quenched, another thirst immediately follows. She always wants to get something, but does not want to give anything in return.

«I don’tknow,» says Jean. It’s not hard for him to get off, but this arrow represented by Elona’s leg is confusing. He doesn’t want to go and live in the direction that Elona’s outstretched leg is pointing at him.

«Ah, so! Don’t you want to go?! Elona says, and turns to Jean, who is lying on his back, and hits him over the head with a pillow.

«It looks like your soft ass,» Jean says – " so you can hit it harder, I’ll like it.»

«I don’t,» Elona says, offended. She doesn’t like Jean comparing the big pillow to her skinny, diet-ridden ass. «Apologize immediately,» Elona says. – You just called me fat.»

«What nonsense, I won’t apologize,» Jean says sharply.

«That’s why you won’t apologize.» First of all, you didn’t bring me a drink from the refrigerator, and then you called me fat. I wonder what I can expect next. You’ll soon be unfaithful to me. And not just anyone, but some old toad like our Eva with a mustache growing under her nose. Yes, to humiliate me even more, you only need to cheat on me with such a wonderful yudo-woman. I wonder if there’s hair growing under her nose, what’s going on down there, eh? She narrows her eyes at Jean.

Jean is very uncomfortable listening to what Elona is saying. It was always unpleasant for him to listen to women’s gossip and nonsense, and it was doubly unpleasant for him that it was pouring out of the mouth of his woman. He hadn’t even considered being intimate with Eve.

«I think we need to break up for a little while,» Jean says, «about five minutes, so close your eyes and pretend I’m not here.» And I’ll close my eyes and pretend you’re not here. This is a new way not to fight. Because if we continue now, I’m afraid that I’ll say a lot of things that will push us apart. There’s a lot I can say, «Jean says angrily, and Elona feels like he’s on edge and about to explode.

«Okay,» Elona says after a short pause, and closes her eyes.

It’s not easy for Elona to lie down with her eyes closed, because she wants to move and talk. Elona starts counting the seconds so that she can open her eyes as soon as the five minutes are up. First, Elona counts to sixty and bends one finger on her hand, then again to sixty and bends the other finger. As soon as Elona’s entire hand is clenched into a fist, she opens her eyes and looks at Jean. He lies with his eyes open and stares at the ceiling.

«Feeling better?» Elona asks Jean.

«Yes,» says Jean.

«Did you close your eyes for the entire five minutes?» Elona asks, already sitting over Jean.

Jean doesn’t say anything, because he doesn’t think he’s opened them yet. It seems to him that he lives with his eyes closed, and when he opens them, he will be afraid. – Why don’t you say anything for the whole five minutes or not?»

«For the whole five minutes,» Jean says softly, looking up at the ceiling as if he’s looking up at the sky he’s waiting to escape.

«Did you see her wart, by the way?»

«Leave mealone.

«No,» Elona rises above him, «you saw her wart right here,» she points to his shoulder. A hairy one like a birthmark. Phew, «she says, wrinkling her face in disgust.

«Leave me alone, I didn’t see anything.»

«How?» She exclaims indignantly, hovering over him like a cloud, and then narrows her eyes. «You obviously had something going on with her,» she says suspiciously.

«No,» Jean says simply.

«Yes,» Elona says, looking him straight in the eye, as if she’s being interrogated.

– no.

– yes.

– no!

– yes!

– no!

– Yes-a!!

Jean looks at Elona with uncomprehending eyes and thinks that if Elona is so insistent, then… at least then the attacks from Elona will be deserved.

14

Jean delivers a monologue on the stage of the theater. He stands, asking for the silhouette of a man made of wire. Jean probably thinks it’s his ex-love. The woman he loved, but who ceased to exist for him after the love passed.

You and I are now like a burst balloon that the universe once inflated.

You and me – there’s no such thing anymore. This place,

which is not on the life map.

You and me – it’s more like a bluff of circumstances,

a joke you don’t want to laugh at.

You and me. Why don’t you say something? Tell me something.»

You ask what color it is. I don’t remember. Probably green. And it doesn’t matter.

Me and you are a cloud that has dissolved in space,

apple cut in half,

a torn bundle of energy, a heart split in two.

A day and night that will never meet again.

And the most important thing is that we no longer exist for each other.

You and me. Why are you looking at me like this for the last time?

You ask me what color it was after all. I don’t remember.

Probablye, blue.

You and me – the world no longer listens to this melody.

You and I are karma that has ceased to be a reality,

this is an illusion that has ended at its peak.

Theseare two coasts that are too far apart.

You and me. Well, why do you inhale, as if we say goodbye forever.

Why are you sighing? It’s like forever exists.

You’re asking me again what color the ball was?

I really don’t remember.

But I would give anything for its color to be the color of the future, «says Jean, and touches the cubes to the void where the lips of the former lover should be located.

«Okay, stop! Eve shouts. «The kiss isn’t convincing.» No one asks you to kiss her passionately. But you must kiss her deeply, as if she still exists. The audience should see that you are not kissing an empty space, but that you are kissing a person who was once dear to you. Teach you more and teach! Eva says, sighing. The last sentence is unconvincing. It feels like you’ve never been in love, and you’ve never had a breakup.

«I’m not an actor,» Jean says, confused. – I never learned that.

«My dear fellow, such childish excuses are not accepted. In order to be able to kiss in institutes, it is not necessary to study. To do this, it is quite enough to have a heart. Well, kiss me again! Or do you want me to go up on stage and show you how to say goodbye to love and kiss goodbye to someone who was once love?

Eva’s hair is disheveled, and she’s dressed very badly, practically in rags. Eve had dressed so that she wouldn’t let her instincts run wild and start flirting with Jean. Eva had a tradition of always falling in love with her actors. But when the work on the play ended, the love passed and the passion died out. But this time Eve decided to go off the beaten path, outwardly she wanted to look as bad as possible in front of Jean, so as not to give herself any reason to think and dream that something was possible between them. Morals have nothing to do with it, Eva is simply afraid of losing energy, which becomes less and less with the course of her illness.

«Son, if you lick this empty space with a piece of wire around it, the first half of the room will be sick from such frankness, and the second half of the room will be covered with laughter,» Eve comments, catching Jean’s every move. «Teach you and teach you, teach you and teach you. It’s just a pity you don’t learn anything.

15

Lena’s plans did not include giving birth to a baby for not only a few years, but several lifetimes. Because even in the next life, Lena was going to serve the art and be an assistant director to the fullest and with the last of her strength. But then the unexpected happened, Lena’s critical days were lost, and Lena couldn’t even remember the last time they were. She would not have noticed the loss of these very days at all, since she was lost in thoughts of the theater, if she had not kept a record of all purchases. It was from her that Lena realized that she hadn’t spent money on gaskets for a long time, and there was a whole unopened pack in her closet.

Lena walked over to a large cabinet with mirrored doors and turned sideways, putting her hand on her stomach. It seemed to her that it was a little bigger than usual. Lenochka couldn’t bear to think that she, the director’s assistant, Eva’s own right-hand man, could have made such a mistake by accidentally getting pregnant by her husband. Lenochka tried to remember the last time she and her husband had sex, but she couldn’t remember it. She must have been thinking about something else at the time, about the production or about Eva, and it didn’t matter what her husband was doing to her at that time. Lenochka taught herself not to be distracted by small things. Thinking about the baby and the pregnancy, Lenochka couldn’t believe that her own body could have set her up like this.

In the first years of marriage, Lenochka was protected so as not to get pregnant, and then she experimentally found out for herself that pregnancy does not occur, even if she had intimacy with her husband without means to protect against pregnancy. After that, she breathed a sigh of relief. She thought that her body was on her side, because her body also wants to serve the theater, just like her soul. But her body failed her, she became pregnant. Lenochka knew for a fact that her body had gotten pregnant out of spite. It got pregnant surreptitiously, in a sneaky way, just at the moment when Lenochka should be giving all her strength to the theater and the production.

There were no other options – only an abortion. But Lenochka was hurt and scared. She sat down on the sofa, put her hands to her face, and tried to cry. But the tears refused to come. It all happened so suddenly. If Lenochka hadn’t realized by the presence of a whole package of pads, then she would hardly have guessed from her state of health that she was pregnant. It was as if her body did this on the sly and did not give her any signals or opportunities to understand that she was already in her third month. Lenochka again realized from the number of women’s sanitary pads that she was already in her third month. Lena had no toxicosis, no dizziness, nothing but the absence of critical days, which could make her think about her interesting situation, which in her case was extremely uninteresting, and even criminal.

Lenochka never associated herself with a mother changing diapers, and she did not understand those women who go to hospitals, being treated for infertility, and kneel in church, begging for a baby. She didn’t need a baby. Lenochka remembered that at the beginning of her married life she was very afraid of becoming a mother, and she even dreamed of a baby in an astronaut’s costume flying in the space of her womb and winking merrily at her. After such a dream, Lenochka would wake up in a cold sweat. «I don’t want a baby! «What is it?» she said, afraid that this might happen. «I don’t want a baby, I don’t want a baby.» And the next night, her husband always got a refusal from her in bed, just in case, as they say.

A baby-that meant the end of everything for Lena. The end of her career, the end of communication with Eva, the end of her life in the theater, and therefore the end of her life with illusions that Lenochka loved more than real life. The unborn baby in her womb could not yet speak or walk, but it could already sign a death sentence for what Lenochka loved most – the theater.

«I hope it’s not too late,» Lenochka said to herself, trying to calm herself down. – And if it’s late, it’s still not too late for me.» I’ll find a doctor, it’s my body and my business, I’ll do whatever I want with it.» Lenochka realized that it was impossible to delay and therefore decided to urgently make an appointment with a doctor. But she couldn’t get up from the couch to her feet, her muscles were numb, and she couldn’t feel her legs. Lenochka realized that her legs were numb due to extreme nervous tension. She had already done this once before, when there was a fire in their house and Lena couldn’t leave the apartment. But then everything worked out fine, so Lena hoped that it would work out just like that time, and the art would not suffer. Lenochka believed that she should fulfill her mission as an assistant director. She knew that no one could work as hard as she did. «If necessary,» Lenochka said to herself mentally,«I’ll crawl to this phone.» And after a minute, Lena got down on her knees in front of the couch, and then got down on all fours to crawl towards it. Because at the moment, she associated the phone with salvation. The salvation of her art, which was threatenedby the child sitting in her womb.

16

Eva loves to break the geometry of her room, because it’s easier for her to think in a mess. Sometimes, in order to think properly, Eve needs everything turned upside down. Therefore, the chair is on its side, the table is also turned on its side, the curtains are torn from the window, and on the floor there is always something lying around either a broken vase or a jar of jam. Today Eve smashed a three-liter jar of jam on the floor. Eve isn’t sure if looking at all of this will give her any new thoughts. But most often the thought comes. So Eva lies on the couch, snapping seeds and contemplating what she’s turned her room into.

Eva looks at the broken jam jar, waiting for images from it. She tells herself not to strain herself, because the images should come naturally. But Eve’s tense all the same. She thinks carefully about what this jar of currant jam on the floor looks like. But the associations that come to her mind do not please Eva, because jam looks like baked blood. Currant jam is Eva’s favorite jam. As a child, my mother often cooked it in incredible quantities, and no one ate it. Earlier in their childhood, they had a lot of black and red currants. And they collected it every summer. Most of the jam cooked in the summer for the winter was not eaten, but remained on the shelves. But that didn’t bother Eva’s mother, and she made just as much currant jam the following summer. As a result, it turned out to be so much that you could swim in it, if it were not so thick, of course.

As a child, it wasn’t that Eva didn’t like currant jam, but rather that it was a stranger to her. Even in her food at that time, everything rare, mysterious and mysterious attracted her. As for the currant jam, it was too much for her to appreciate. But then, three and a half decades later, everything changed, and Eva fell in love with currant jam, because through it she could touch her childhood, her mother and father, who were already impossible to return. Eva didn’t have to eat jam, but she needed a three-liter jar of jam in her apartment, not even in the most conspicuous place. The main thing is that Eva knows that it exists, and then it becomes warmer in her soul. Eve knew that if she broke this jar, she would buy another one tomorrow and put it on the shelf. But she did not regret that it had to be broken, because art requires sacrifice.

Eva had started thinking about her parents more often lately, but she wasn’t happy about it, because she had to think about the play. She was afraid of stirring up a hornet’s nest with her thoughts. And that’s mostly what’s always happened. Eva thought of her father more often than her mother. Because her mother was too much of an earth woman, and Eve didn’t understand her very well. Eve’s father was a religious fanatic, which is why Eve was called by the biblical name – Eve, which meant life. But for all his religious beliefs, Eva’s father was a very tolerant person. And it didn’t bother him that when he prayed at dinner, little Eve found it funny and made faces at him. He was not angry; his heart was given to God, just as Eve’s heart was now given to the theater. Apparently, without an altar, there was no life for them, and they were ready to defend this altar, throwing themselves into the embrasure of misunderstanding on the part of others who wanted to destroy what was sacred to them. Perhaps Eva had inherited it, she needed to serve something. Therefore, the family as such did not exist for her. My father spent most of his time in prayer, was very withdrawn, and worked hard on the land. Eva had once asked him if he had ever wanted to be such a pious man all his life, and his father had said that he hadn’t always been like that. He said that for a while he loved life in all its forms, until he became disillusioned with it. And after that, he decided to live the idea of service. Then the words of her father seemed incomprehensible to Eva, and only after years she understood their true meaning, she became like him, only she prayed for the theater and the theater. Her religion was theater.

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