Hell called life
Mortuus Somniator

© Mortuus Somniator, 2025

ISBN 978-5-0065-6368-1

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

Words of gratitude.

Thank you to everyone who will read my work. Since this is my first work, it may not be interesting or clear in some places, but I will try to improve it and write a better work in the future. It’s a little short, because I thought for the first time it’s worth writing as well and briefly as I can. I also want to thank those who supported me. My teacher, Dr. Giuseppi Chiaramonte, who motivated me to do this. And my classmates, who gave me advice. Thank you, I probably wouldn’t have written anything without you.

Enjoy reading to all readers. With thanks Mortuus Somniator

The roof of a high-rise building. A guy in his 20s or 25s looks at his watch. 16:59:59. The guy sighs and looks around. At this moment, a completely black cat runs up to him and sits down next to him. The guy smiles and pats the cat and says, «Maybe I’m crazy. Well, this is not surprising, because for the first time in so many years to see a cat which is similar to my». After stroking the cat for a while in absolute silence, the guy looks at the cat and says with despair:" This is completely crazy, but listen to my story before I decide what to do next. After all, I’m afraid that all this is my sick imagination». After these words, the guy thoughtfully turns around in the direction of the city, which is full of tall multi-storey buildings, and says: «So where should I start. Hmm. I think it’s worth mentioning that, once thought about suicide, but after everything got better, I started to enjoy life. Until things went downhill». With these words, he began his story in the company of a cat and tall skyscrapers that stretched up to the clouds.

«Thinking about when it all started, I came to the conclusion that most likely it was on that unremarkable day when Professor Samuel Richard was giving his next lecture on philosophy. I remember it was Monday morning. A half-empty classroom with a few sleepy students who didn’t listen to the professor, not a tall, neat old man in his seventies with a bald spot on his head, a short white beard and a rather large belly, although his lectures were not the most interesting, but I liked his view of the world so I tried to attend each of his lectures. That day, while explaining to us another lecture about the value of life and its brevity, although it seems to us that this is not the case, the professor turned to us with a question about how we see life, how it is associated for us. A few minutes later, he began to listen to everyone’s opinion, someone said that it looked like a movie, and someone like an hourglass, there were also those who agreed in their views, and now it was my turn. I replied that I did not have a specific association, but I can say that it looks like a river that flows into the ocean, where it finishes its journey. After listening to our responses, he said that our answers are correct, but at the same time they are not, because everyone has their own views on life, on its correctness, and only he is responsible for it, so there is no need to argue about the correctness of one or another person’s view of life. After these words, I asked the professor to answer his own question, because I was wondering what life is associated with for a professor who has lived quite a long life and has, in my opinion, a deep knowledge of philosophy. After my question, professor wiped his glasses and looked at us, saying: " Life for me is like an album that contains photos from every second of my life, and although it contains more than a thousand photos, it is insignificant compared to the history of mankind, but at the same time it is very valuable to me, after all, someday there will come a day when it will run out of pages capturing the last photo. Therefore, you should try to fill the pages of your album with joy, so that at the end you don’t regret viewing your album called life». On that note, he ended his lecture. Who could have guessed that this would be the last lecture of professor, which I have visited.

Then the day passed like all the others, the pairs were just as tedious and monotonous. After finishing my classes, I rushed into my deserted one-room apartment, which I have been renting for the second year in a row, as much as I would like to return home, it was not possible, because we had to sell it after my father died. Well, I sometimes think that, that apartment was not so bad, because at least I was not alone in it, my furry friend lived with me, the same black cat with golden eyes. So, I’ve gone off topic. So on that day, when I came home from university, the first thing I did was feed «Cupid», as I called my cat, had lunch, and went to work in a hurry, but as always I was late. After listening once again to a portion of not very pleasant words from the boss for being late, I started my daily routine. By the way, although I worked every day until late, to be honest, they paid me pennies for which I barely dragged my existence, but compared to my previous job as a waiter in a cafe, it was easier and quieter in a supermarket warehouse, because I just had to sort new goods in places. After finishing my shift, I went to have a snack, then went home, at home, as always, «Cupid» was waiting for me, I fed her, played a little and went to bed, because the next day I had to go to the institute.

The next morning, as always going to the institute, I put food in a bowl, but she, as I thought, was asleep, which was quite unusual, because she always woke up early and woke me up, I did not pay attention to this and went to the institute. Everything was as always, nothing new, just lectures, communication with classmates, I had lunch on the way to work and did not go home, because the pairs ended late, so I hurried to work, work that day ended early, because the boss had a birthday, and there were no supplies, so that I was home by eight o’clock. When I got home, I saw that the bowl was full, and «Cupid» was still lying, I was worried and took her to the vet. Already there, after several tests and condition checks, the veterinarian told me that she was sick and it was too late to treat her, so the best solution would be to euthanize her, so that she would no longer suffer, and left me with her, so that I would make a decision. She really looked exhausted and barely opened her eyes. Looking at her, I decided that euthanizing her would be the best solution, although it was not easy to come to this conclusion, because she was by my side for two whole years, and was the one who supported me when I needed, a reason not to break down after my father died, or when my mother fell ill, even in the eyes of other people she was just an animal, but for me she was my best friend and support in a way. After euthanize, I buried her in the local animal cemetery and went home. Only when I got home did I realize that someone else dear to me had left me, I fell to my knees and tears began to flow, the last time I cried like this was only at my father’s funeral. That night I couldn’t sleep, I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t go anywhere next day, woke up in the evening and took the day off from work for a few days. I didn’t want to go anywhere and I didn’t want to eat anything. I lay there for another day. On the third day, after recovering a little, I cooked something and ate. The next day I went to work because there were no couples that day, after work, realizing that I didn’t want to go home, I sat down on a bench in the park, aimlessly looking at the sky. About half an hour later, the phone rang. It was Jessica, my girlfriend, who I’d been dating for six months at the time. She was a girl of incredible beauty, tall and statuesque, with sky-blue eyes and long hair that shimmered like gold in the sun, and she also had a small mole on her neck under her left ear, which added personality and innocence to her image. I do not know how we became a couple, because she was the first beauty in our faculty and had not a small popularity among the guys, and I…, I was not very attractive, although now is not better, and not particularly rich, what to hide the fact that I could be considered as a beggar, whether out of pity maybe because of something else, we became a couple. I was crazy about her, I was looking forward to every time we met, I even planned our life together after graduation, I thought that I would graduate from college, get a good, profitable job and things would go up. I wanted to propose after college and hold the wedding as soon as everything was settled, now I’m kind of ashamed to remember it, but I even came up with names for our future children, the son «Alan» and the daughter «Lily». And in old age, when the children grow up and become independent, we could go on a circumnavigation of the world, where we could enjoy our time together. But that’s not the point, that day she called me and offered to meet on Sunday evening, we agreed to meet at five in the evening after work in the park, where I was sitting that day. After talking to her, I somehow calmed down a little and reluctantly returned home. The next day, after work, I popped home, cleaned myself up and went to the meeting place, on the way, I also stopped at a local bakery and bought her favorite dessert to please her, because we hadn’t seen each other for a while, and to surprise and please her, I put it in your backpack. Because of all this running around, I managed to be late for the meeting, when I arrived she was already there, as always, she was perfect, beautiful without any frills, when I saw her, I did not noticeably smile for myself and remembered the words of the professor that you need to enjoy life. In a good mood, I approached Jessica and unconsciously hugged her, told her that I was glad to see her and that I missed her, especially in recent days, to which she stepped back, then offered to sit down and talk. We sat in silence for a while, and it was obvious from her appearance that something was wrong, I thought that something had happened and was about to ask what was wrong, what was bothering her so much, when suddenly she said that we should break up. At that moment, it was as if I had fallen out of reality, as if everything had been turned upside down, but I wasn’t able to say anything. She kept saying that she didn’t see a future in our relationship, that it was as if I was getting further away from her, that she understood that I had lost my father and that I sometimes got depressed because of this, and a lot of other things, but I didn’t understand what she was saying anymore, because I was seething different emotions, at some point I even thought that this was a prank and it would end, she would say that she was joking and everything would be as before, but these were just my fantasies. In the end, saying that she was sorry for the fact that she might have given false hopes, that life would not end there, and I will definitely find my betrothed, left finally wishing her good luck in the future. And I couldn’t even utter a word and stayed there with my thoughts. Now I understand her and I don’t blame her for anything, because she dragged our relationship in which I was absolutely worthless and weak, who is nothing, and doesn’t have a penny to his name, but at that moment I was getting all sorts of disgusting thoughts, that she was just playing with me, with my feelings, that she met a better guy than me and wanted to humiliate me so much, honestly remembering this makes me feel disgusting to myself. After a while, I recovered a little and returned home. The night was unimaginably long. The next day I didn’t want to go to the institute, I thought that everyone would already know what had happened and start making fun of me, so I packed my things and took a bus to the hospital in a neighboring city, where my mother was undergoing treatment. She had a heart attack a month after my father died, due to grief and my rash actions, which led to her falling into a coma, I visited her every month, and I sat next to her all day, hoping that she would wake up, but this did not happen. That day, I was more like a child who ran to his mother to complain that I was offended, and also did not come up with anything better rather than go to my only remaining loved one. Since the road was long and I couldn’t sleep at night, I didn’t notice how I fell asleep, but since I didn’t go out, the driver woke me up and told me that we had arrived at the final destination. I woke up, excused, and took a taxi, as I had passed my stop. When I arrived, as it was already too late, I was not allowed to see my mother, so I had to spend the night in a nearby motel. The next morning, I visited the hospital again, and was allowed in. I sat with my mother for two hours, telling her what had happened in the last month, especially what had happened in the last week, hoping that she would wake up and comfort me, but of course nothing happened, and then, as always, I apologized for what had happened after my father’s death. I, probably, will never forgive myself for that day, because I was the cause of my mother’s illness. After my father’s death, I drowned my grief in alcohol, and responded to all my mother’s warnings in a rude tone. And so, one of these days, I went to the bar, and my mother clung to my legs, and on her knees begged me to stop drinking, because it’s not an end yet, and I have to be a support for her in this difficult time, so I tore my legs out of her hands, and yelled at her that she doesn’t understand me and has never understood that the only person who truly loved me was my father and the cause of his death was her, because it was her, she asked him to go to the store where he was shot. After these words, strongly closing the door in front of her, he left to the bar. That night, after drinking too much, I got behind the wheel and as a result, I had an accident where I got a broken arm and a concussion. I woke up the next day, and after the examination, I stayed in the hospital for another week, and during this period, my mother never came to visit me, and never called. Then I thought that she was taking such revenge on me, and as a resentful child, I was never interested in her. A week later, on the day of my discharge from the hospital, the doctor examined me again and told me that I was lucky to have survived with relatively minor injuries, as well as lucky to have such a loving mother. To which, I replied that he was probably wrong, because my mother had never been interested in me for a week. The doctor gave me a puzzled look and asked if I’d been informed of my mother’s condition. To which I anxiously replied that no one had told me anything. Then, he advised me to sit down and listen to him, I did not understand what was happening and sat down and began to listen to the doctor. According to him, when I was brought to the hospital, they immediately informed my mother about it, and in a few minutes she was already there when I was transferred to the ward, she sat next to me all night praying for my recovery and did not go anywhere, and in the morning the nurses noticed that something was wrong with her, and the doctor was urgently called, after examination, she was quickly taken to the intensive care unit, as it turned out that closer to the morning she had a heart attack. Fortunately, the efforts of doctors managed to stabilize her condition, but she fell into a coma. After the doctor’s story, the world seemed to collapse, I realized what a selfish shit I was, because I only thought about myself for so long, and I never asked her about her condition, and besides, her attack happened because of my words, because instead of helping her at such a time, I only thought about myself, perhaps at that moment, sitting next to me, she thought that she might lose me, too. She might have died from the shock, and then I would have been left alone in the world. When I recovered a little from the shock, I asked the doctor to take me to my mother’s room, where I cried and begged her to forgive me, begged her to wake up, because I would not stumble again and would follow her words, but as you know, everything was in vain. After I was discharged and billed for hospital services, which were not small, I asked to wait a few days and went home. Upon arrival, I put up the car and the house for sale, the benefit of the buyer was found quickly, after selling the house and car, I paid the hospital, and put the rest in a bank account, then went to the institute, rented an apartment and got a job. That’s what happened to my mother. Probably even you think how disgusting I am. Well, that is what it is, I’ll continue the story. After telling my mother everything that had happened over the past week, I said goodbye to her and went to the doctor who was treating my mother. You know, fate is a cruel thing and it does not let you rest, because the doctor told me the terrible news, he said that her condition is getting worse every day, and if we do not replace the heart, she will die before a week, thank God the donor is found, but a heart transplant is expensive, and until they receive payment, they will not be able to do anything, because the heart transplant doctor is only available in another city and will only arrive after payment, so I should hurry up and find the right amount. After hearing the amount, I realized that there was not so much money in my savings, so I called all my friends and colleagues, but they all refused, and the bank also refused to issue a loan for such a large amount, because I am still a student. I spent the whole day wandering around the city looking for money, but I couldn’t find the right amount. Everything I could collect, counting my savings, could barely cover half of it. So at the end of the day, considering all possible options, I came to the only reasonable decision in my opinion, at that time, to rob a bank, because there is no place where you can find such a sum. I thought that if I could steal and not get caught, then after my mother’s operation, I would voluntarily surrender. With these thoughts, I went to the most sinful part of the city, where all people who enter the wrong road, carried out their dark deeds. If you think how I know this, I will explain, everyone in our city knew about this place and advised to avoid it, because no one knows what will happen to you if you go to this area. I once heard that you can find everything in this area, because there were brothels, gambling houses, drug dens, and dealers of illegal weapons, and all hope was on the truth of this story. After all, I went there only for one purpose, the priming of weapons, because I thought that this is a mandatory accessory for any robber and it must be real, I think I thought so because I did not see the robbery in person, only on the news and movies. This area was not so scary or crummy because of gambling houses like in the movies, but rather it was disgusting, because there was garbage everywhere, drug addicts and very drunk people, various insects and rats were running around everywhere, many houses were half destroyed, since it was already night, near some buildings, there were parking lots of not exactly pleasant women and men almost in the nude. Soon I found the store or stall I needed, but I didn’t quite understand it myself what it was, bought a gun and a mask, and left the place as quickly as possible. I hope I will never have to go back there again. So, after that, I went back to the motel. Already there, having planned everything, I decided to go in the evening at five closer to closing, because then there were the least people in it, once again scrolling in my head, my in my opinion ideal plan, I went to bed, most likely, everything that I came up with did not even pass on the plan, it was rather just that I’ve seen it in movies, that’s how bad it was.