Анита Лус
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes / Джентльмены предпочитают блондинок

© Шитова Л. Ф., адаптация, сокращение, словарь, 2023

© ООО «ИД «Антология», 2023

⁂

Chapter One
GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES

March 16th:

A gentleman friend and I were dining at the Ritz[1] last evening and he said that if I took a pencil and a paper and put down all of my thoughts it would make a book. But I think it would really make an encyclopedia. I mean I seem to be thinking practically all of the time. Sometimes I sit for hours and do not do anything else but think. So this gentleman said a girl with brains should do something else with them besides think. And he said he knew brains when he saw them[2], and this morning he sent me a book. So when my maid brought it to me, I said to her, “Well, Lulu, here is another book and we have not read half the ones we have got yet.” But when I opened it and saw that it was all a blank I remembered what my gentleman friend said, and so then I understood that it was a diary. So here I am writing a book instead of reading one.

But now it is the 16th of March and of course it is too late to begin with January, but it does not matter as my gentleman friend, Mr. Eisman, was in town practically all of January and February, and when he is in town one day seems to be practically the same as the next day.

I mean Mr. Eisman is in the wholesale button profession and he is the gentleman who is known practically all over Chicago as Gus Eisman the Button King. And he is the gentleman who is interested in educating me, so of course he is always coming down to New York to see how my brains have improved since the last time. But when Mr. Eisman is in New York we always seem to do the same thing. I mean we always have dinner at the Colony[3] and see a show and go to the Trocadero[4] and then Mr. Eisman shows me to my apartment. So of course when a gentleman is interested in educating a girl, he likes to stay and talk about the day until quite late, so I am quite tired the next day and I do not really get up until it is time to dress for dinner at the Colony.

It would be strange if I turned out to be a writer. I mean at my home near Little Rock, Arkansas[5], my family all wanted me to do something about my music. Because all of my friends said I had talent and they all kept after me about practicing. But I never seemed to care so much about practicing. I mean I simply could not sit for hours practicing just for the sake of a career. So one day I got quite temperamental and threw the old mandolin across the room and I have really never touched it since. But writing is different because you do not have to learn or practice. So now I really almost have to smile because I have just noticed that I have written two pages, so this will do[6] for today and tomorrow. And it just shows how temperamental I am when I get started.

March 19th:

Well, last evening Dorothy called up and said she has met a gentleman who introduced himself to her in the lobby of the Ritz. So then they went to luncheon and tea and dinner and then they went to a show and then they went to the Trocadero. So Dorothy said his name was Lord Cooksleigh but what she really calls him is Coocoo. So Dorothy said why don’t you and I and Coocoo go to the Follies[7] tonight and bring Gus along if he is in town? So then Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel because every time she mentions Mr. Eisman she calls him by his first name, and she does not seem to understand that when a gentleman who is as important as Mr. Eisman, spends quite a lot of money educating a girl, it really does not show respect to call him by his first name. I mean I never even think of calling Mr. Eisman by his first name, but if I want to call him anything at all, I call him “Daddy” and I do not even call him “Daddy” if a place seems to be public. So I told Dorothy that Mr. Eisman would not be in town until day after tomorrow. So then Dorothy and Coocoo came up and we went to the Follies.

So this morning Coocoo called up and he wanted me to luncheon at the Ritz. I mean these foreigners really are bold. Just because Coocoo is an Englishman and a Lord he thinks a girl can waste hours on him just for a luncheon at the Ritz, when all he does is talk about some expedition to a place called Tibet. So I will be quite glad to see Mr. Eisman when he comes because he always has something quite interesting to talk about, as for instance the last time he was here he presented me with quite a beautiful emerald bracelet. So next week is my birthday and he always has some delightful surprise on holidays.

So the reason I thought I would take luncheon at the Ritz was because Mr. Chaplin is at the Ritz and I always like to renew old acquaintances, because I met Mr. Chaplin once when we were both working on the same lot in Hollywood and I am sure he would remember me. Gentlemen always seem to remember blondes. I mean the only career I would like to be besides a writer is a cinema star and I was doing quite well in the cinema when Mr. Eisman made me give it all up. Because of course when a gentleman takes such a friendly interest in educating a girl as Mr. Eisman does, you like to show that you appreciate it, and he is against a girl being in the cinema.

March 20th:

Mr. Eisman comes here tomorrow in time for my birthday. So I thought it would really be great to have at least one good time before Mr. Eisman came, so last evening I had some literary gentlemen in the apartment because Mr. Eisman always likes me to have such people in and out. He is quite anxious for a girl to improve her mind and his greatest interest in me is because I always seem to want to improve my mind and not waste any time. So I invited all of the brainy gentlemen I could think up. So I thought up a gentleman who is the professor of all of the economics up at Columbia College, and another gentleman who is a famous playwright who writes very, very famous plays that are all about Life. I mean anybody would recognize his name but it always slips my memory[8] because all of us real friends of his only call him Sam. So Sam asked if he could bring a gentleman who writes novels from England, so I said yes, so he brought him. And then we all got together and I called up Dorothy and the gentlemen brought their own liquor. So of course the place was a wreck this morning and Lulu and I worked like dogs to get it cleaned up, but Heaven knows how long it will take to get the chandelier fixed.

March 22nd:

Well, my birthday has come and gone but it was really quite depressing. I mean it seems to me a gentleman who has a friendly interest in educating a girl like Gus Eisman, would want her to have the biggest diamond in New York. I mean I must say I was quite disappointed when he came to the apartment with a little thing you could hardly see. So I told him I thought it was quite cute, but I had quite a headache and I told him I would see him the next day, perhaps. Because even Lulu thought it was quite small. But he came in at dinner time with really a very very beautiful bracelet of diamonds so I was quite cheered up. So then we had dinner at the Colony and we went to a show and supper at the Trocadero as usual whenever he is in town. He kept talking about how bad business in the button profession was full of bolshevicks who make nothing but trouble. Because Mr. Eisman feels that the country is really on the verge of the bolshevicks and I become quite worried. I mean if the bolshevicks do come in, there is only one gentleman who could handle them and that is Mr. D. W. Griffith[9]. Because I will never forget when Mr. Griffith was directing Intolerance. I mean it was my last cinema just before Mr. Eisman made me give up my career and I was playing one of the girls that fainted at the battle when all of the gentlemen fell off the tower. And when I saw how Mr. Griffith handled all of those mobs in Intolerance I understood that he could do anything, and I really think that the government of America should tell Mr. Griffith to get all ready if the bolshevicks start to do it.

Well, I forgot to mention that the English gentleman who writes novels has taken quite an interest in me, as soon as he found out that I was literary. I mean he has called up every day and I went to tea twice with him. So he has sent me a whole complete set of books for my birthday. They all seem to be about ocean travel although I have not had time to more than look through them. I have always liked novels about ocean travel ever since I posed for the front cover of a novel about ocean travel because I always say that a girl never really looks as well as she does on board a steamship, or even a yacht.

So the English gentleman’s name is Mr. Gerald Lamson as those who have read his novels would know. And he also sent me some of his own novels and they all seem to be about middle-age English gentlemen who live in the country and ride bicycles. So I told Mr. Lamson how I write down all of my thoughts and he said he knew I had something to me from the first minute he saw me and when we become better acquainted I am going to let him read my diary. I mean I even told Mr. Eisman about him and he is quite pleased. Because of course Mr. Lamson is quite famous and it seems Mr. Eisman has read all of his novels going there and back on the trains. But of course I did not tell Mr. Eisman that I am really getting quite a little crush on[10] Mr. Lamson, which I really believe I am, but Mr. Eisman thinks my interest in him is more literary.

March 30th:

At last Mr. Eisman has left and I must say I am quite tired and a little rest will be quite welcome. I mean I do not mind staying out late every night if I dance, but Mr. Eisman is really not such a good dancer so most of the time we just sit and drink some champagne or have a bite to eat and of course I do not dance with anyone else when I am out with Mr. Eisman. But Mr. Eisman and Gerry, as Mr. Lamson wants me to call him, became quite good friends and we had several evenings, all three together. So now that Mr. Eisman is out of town at last, Gerry and I are going out together this evening and Gerry said not to dress up, because Gerry seems to like me more for my soul. Gerry does not like a girl to be nothing else but a doll, but he likes her to bring in her husband’s slippers every evening.

But before Mr. Eisman went to Chicago he told me that he is going to Paris this summer on professional business and I think he is going to present me with a trip to Paris as he says there is nothing so educational as traveling. I mean it did worlds of good[11] to Dorothy when she went abroad last spring and I never get tired of hearing her telling how the merry-go-rounds in Paris have pigs instead of horses. But I really do not know whether to be excited or not because, of course, if I go to Paris I will have to leave Gerry and both Gerry and I have made up our minds[12] not to be separated from one another from now on[13].

March 31st:

Last night Gerry and I had dinner at a place where we had roast beef and baked potato. I mean he always wants me to have food which is what he calls “nourishing.” So then we took a cab and drove for hours around the park because Gerry said the air would be good for me. It is really very sweet to have someone think of all those things that gentlemen hardly ever seem to think about.

So then we talked quite a lot. I mean Gerry knows how to draw a girl out and I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So when he heard all about my life he became quite depressed and we both had tears in our eyes. Because he said he never dreamed a girl could go through so much as I, and stay so sweet and not made bitter[14] by it all. I mean Gerry thinks that most gentlemen are brutes and hardly ever think about a girl’s soul.

So it seems that Gerry has had quite a lot of trouble himself and he cannot even get married because of his wife. He and she have never been in love with each other but she was a suffragette[15] and asked him to marry her, so what could he do? So we rode all around the park until quite late talking and philosophizing quite a lot. So Gerry calls me his little thinker and I really would not be surprised if all of my thoughts will give him quite a few ideas for his novels. Because Gerry says he has never seen a girl of my personal appearance with so many brains. And he had almost given up looking for his ideal when our paths crossed[16] each other and I told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate.

So Gerry says that I remind him quite a lot of Helen of Troy[17], who was of Greek origin. But the only Greek I know is a Greek gentleman by the name of Mr. Georgopolis who is really quite wealthy and he is what Dorothy and I call a “Shopper” because you can always call him up at any hour and ask him to go shopping and he never seems to care how much anything costs. I mean Mr. Georgopolis is also quite cultured, as I know quite a few gentlemen who can speak to a waiter in French but Mr. Georgopolis can also speak to a waiter in Greek which very few gentlemen seem to be able to do.

April 1st:

From now on I am taking writing in my diary seriously as I am really writing it for Gerry. I mean he and I are going to read it together some evening in front of the fireplace. But Gerry leaves this evening for Boston as he has to lecture about all of his works at Boston, but he will come right back as soon as possible. So I am going to spend all of my time improving myself while he is gone. And this afternoon we are both going to a museum on 5th Avenue, because Gerry wants to show me a very very beautiful cup made by an antique jeweler called Mr. Cellini[18] and he wants me to read Mr. Cellini’s life which is a very very fine book and not dull while he is in Boston.

So the famous playwright friend of mine who is called Sam called up this morning and he wanted me to go to a literary party tonight that he and some other literary gentlemen are giving in Harlem but Gerry does not want me to go with Sam as Sam always insists on telling risky stories. But personally I am quite broad-minded and I always say that I do not mind a risky story as long as it is really funny. I mean I have a great sense of humor. So I am going to stay home and read the book by Mr. Cellini instead, because, after all, the only thing I am really interested in, is improving my mind. So I am going to do nothing else but improve my mind while Gerry is in Boston.

April 2nd:

I seem to be quite depressed this morning as I always am when there is nothing to put my mind to. Because I decided not to read the book by Mr. Cellini. I mean it was quite amusing in spots[19] because it was really quite risky but the spots were not so close together and I never seem to like to always be hunting clear through a book for the spots I am looking for, especially when there are really not so many spots that seem to be so amusing after all.

Well, I just got a telegram from Gerry that he will not be back until tomorrow. And it is quite depressing to stay at home and do nothing but read, unless you really have a book that is worth bothering about.

April 3rd:

I am really so depressed this morning that I was even glad to get a letter from Mr. Eisman. Last night I felt so lonesome with nothing to do that I made a telephone call for Boston to talk to Gerry but it never went through[20]. So today I think I had better go over[21] to Madame Frances and order some new evening dresses to cheer me up.

Well, Lulu just brought me a telegram from Gerry that he will come this afternoon, but I must not meet him at the station because of all of the reporters who always meet him at the station wherever he comes from. But he says he will come right up to see me as he has something to talk about.

April 4th:

What an evening we had last evening. I mean it seems that Gerry is madly in love with me. Because all of the time he was in Boston lecturing to the women’s clubs he said, as he looked over the faces of all those club women in Boston, he never understood I was so beautiful. And he said that there was only one in all the world and that was me. But it seems that Gerry thinks that Mr. Eisman is terrible and that no good can come of our friendship. I mean I was quite surprised, as they both seemed to get along[22] quite well together, but it seems that Gerry never wants me to see Mr. Eisman again. And he wants me to give up everything and study French and he will get a divorce and we will be married. Because Gerry does not seem to like the kind of life all of us lead in New York and he wants me to go home to papa in Arkansas and he will send me books to read so that I will not get lonesome there. And he gave me our engagement ring, but some way I still seem to be depressed. I mean I could not sleep all night thinking of the terrible things Gerry said about New York and about Mr. Eisman. Of course I can understand Gerry being jealous of any gentleman friend of mine and of course I never really thought that Mr. Eisman was Rudolph Valentino[23], but Gerry said he couldn’t think of a sweet girl like I having a friendship with Mr. Eisman. So it really made me feel quite depressed. I mean Gerry likes to talk quite a lot and I always think a lot of talk is depressing and worries your brains. But so long as Gerry does not mind me going out with other gentlemen when they have something to give you mentally, I am going to luncheon with Eddie Goldmark of the Goldmark Films who is always wanting me to sign a contract to go into the cinema and who is madly in love with Dorothy.

April 6th:

Well, I finally wrote Mr. Eisman that I was going to get married and it seems that he is coming on at once as he would probably like to give me his advice. Getting married is really quite serious and Gerry talks to me for hours and hours about it. I mean he never seems to get tired of talking and he does not seem to even want to go to shows or dance or do anything else but talk, and if I don’t really have something to put my mind on soon I will scream.

April 7th:

Well, Mr. Eisman arrived this morning and he and I had quite a long talk, and after all, I think he is right. Because here is the first real opportunity I have ever really had. I mean to go to Paris and broaden out and improve my writing, and why should I give it up to marry an author, where he is the whole thing and all I would be would be the wife of Gerald Lamson? So I am sailing for France and London on Tuesday and taking Dorothy with me and Mr. Eisman says that he will see us there later. So Dorothy knows all ofthe ropes[24] and she can get along in Paris just as though she knew French[25] and besides she knows a French gentleman who was born and raised there[26], who speaks it like a native and knows Paris like a book. And Dorothy says that when we get to London nearly everybody speaks English anyway. So it is quite lucky that Mr. Lamson is out lecturing in Cincinnati[27] and he will not be back until Wednesday and I can send him a letter and tell him that I have to go to Europe now but I will see him later perhaps. So anyway I will not be listening to any more of his depressing conversation. So Mr. Eisman gave me quite a nice string of pearls[28] and he gave Dorothy a diamond pin and we all went to the Colony for dinner and we all went to a show and supper at the Trocadero and we all spent quite a pleasant evening.

Chapter Two
FATE KEEPS ON HAPPENING

April 11th:

Well, Dorothy and I are really on the ship sailing to Europe as anyone could tell by looking at the ocean. I always love the ocean. I mean I always love a ship and I really love the Majestic[29] because you would not know it was a ship because it is just like being at the Ritz, and the steward says the ocean is not so unpleasant this month as it generally is. So Mr. Eisman is going to meet us next month in Paris because he has to be there on business. I mean he always says that there is really no place to see the latest styles in buttons like Paris.

So Dorothy is out taking a walk up and down the deck with a gentleman she met on the steps, but I am not going to waste my time going around with gentlemen because if I did nothing but go around I would not finish my diary or read good books which I am always reading to improve my mind. But Dorothy really does not care about her mind and I always scold her because she does nothing but waste her time by going around with gentlemen who do not have anything, when Eddie Goldmark ofthe Goldmark Films is really quite wealthy and can make a girl delightful presents. But she does nothing but waste her time and yesterday, which was really the day before we sailed, she would not go to luncheon with Mr. Goldmark but she went to luncheon to meet a gentleman called Mr. Mencken from Baltimore who really only prints a green magazine which has not even got any pictures in it.

So Mr. Eisman and Lulu came down to the boat to see me off and Lulu cried quite a lot. I mean I really believe she could not care anymore for me[30] if she was light and not colored. Lulu has had a very sad life because when she was quite young a pullman porter[31] fell madly in love with her. So she believed him and he lured her away from her home. Finally she found out that she had been deceived and she really was broken-hearted and when she tried to go back home she found out that it was too late because her best girl-friend, who she had always trusted, had stolen her husband and he would not take Lulu back. So I have always said to her she could always work for me and she is going to take care of the apartment until I get back, because I would not sublet the apartment because Dorothy sublet her apartment when she went to Europe last year and the gentleman who sublet the apartment allowed girls to pay calls[32] on him who were not nice.

Mr. Eisman has literally filled our room with flowers and the steward has had quite a hard time to find enough vases to put them into. And of course Mr. Eisman has sent me quite a lot of good books as he always does, because he always knows that good books are always welcome. So he has sent me quite a large book of Etiquette as he says there is quite a lot of Etiquette in England and London and it would be a good thing for a girl to learn. So I am going to take it on the deck after luncheon and read it, because I would often like to know what a girl should do when a gentleman she has just met, says something to her in a taxi. Of course I always become quite upset but I always believe in giving a gentleman another chance.

So now the steward tells me it is luncheon time, so I will go upstairs as the gentleman Dorothy met on the steps has invited us to luncheon in the Ritz, which is a special dining room on the ship where you can spend quite a lot of money.

April 12th:

I am going to stay in bed this morning as I am quite upset as I saw a gentleman who quite upset me. I am not really sure it was the gentleman, as I saw him at quite a distance in the bar, but if it really is the gentleman it shows that a girl has a lot of fate in her life. So when I thought I saw this gentleman I was with Dorothy and Major Falcon, who is the gentleman Dorothy met on the steps, and Major Falcon noticed that I became upset, so he wanted me to tell him what was the matter, but it is really so terrible that I would not want to tell anyone. So I said good night to Major Falcon and I left him with Dorothy and I went down to our room and did nothing but cry and send the steward for some champagne to cheer me up. I mean champagne always makes me feel philosophical. So this morning the steward brought me my coffee and quite a large pitcher of ice water so I will stay in bed and not have any more champagne until luncheon time.

Dorothy never has any fate in her life and she does nothing but waste her time and I really wonder if I did right to bring her with me and not Lulu. I mean she really gives gentlemen a bad impression as she talks quite a lot of slang. Because when I went up yesterday to meet her and Major Falcon for luncheon, I overheard her say to Major Falcon that she really liked to become intoxicated once in a while. Only she did not say intoxicated, but she really said a slang word that she really should not say.

Major Falcon is really quite a delightful gentleman for an Englishman. I mean he really spends quite a lot of money and we had quite a delightful luncheon and dinner in the Ritz until I thought I saw the gentleman who upset me and I am so upset I think I will get dressed and go up on the deck and see if it really is the one I think it is. I mean there is nothing else for me to do as I have finished writing in my diary for today and I have decided not to read the book of Etiquette as I looked through it and it does not seem to have anything in it that I would care to know. So I will not waste my time on such a book. But I wish I did not feel so upset about the gentleman I think I saw.

April 13th:

It really is the gentleman I thought I saw. I mean when I found out it was the gentleman my heart really stopped. Because it all brought back things that anybody does not like to remember. So yesterday when I went up on the deck to see if I could see the gentleman and see if it really was him, I met quite a delightful gentleman who I met once at a party called Mr. Ginzberg. Only his name is not Mr. Ginzberg anymore because he changed his name to Mr. Mountginz which he really thinks is more aristocratic. So we walked around the deck and we met the gentleman face to face and I really saw it was him and he really saw it was me. I mean his face became so red it was almost a picture. So I was so upset I said good-bye to Mr. Mountginz and I started to rush right down to my room and cry. But when I was going down the steps, I bumped right into Major Falcon who noticed that I was upset. So Major Falcon made me go to the Ritz and have some champagne and tell him all about it.

So then I told Maj or Falcon about the time in Arkansas when Papa sent me to Little Rock to study how to become a stenographer. I mean Papa and I had quite a little quarrel because Papa did not like a gentleman who used to pay calls on me in the park and Papa thought it would do me good to get away for a while[33]. So I was in the business college in Little Rock for about a week when a gentleman called Mr. Jennings paid a call on the business college because he wanted to have a new stenographer. So he looked over all we college girls and he picked me out. So he told our teacher that he would help me finish my course in his office because he was only a lawyer and I really did not have to know so much. So Mr. Jennings helped me quite a lot and I stayed in his office about a year when I found out that he was not the kind of a gentleman that a young girl is safe with. I mean one evening when I went to pay a call on him at his apartment, I found a girl there who really was famous all over Little Rock for not being nice. So when I found out that girls like that paid calls on Mr. Jennings I had quite a bad case of hysterics and my mind was really a blank and when I came out of it, it seems that I had a revolver in my hand and it seems that the revolver had shot Mr. Jennings.

So this gentleman on the boat was really the District Attorney[34] who was at the trial and he really was quite harsh at the trial and he called me names[35] that I would not even put in my diary. Because everyone at the trial except the District Attorney was really lovely to me and all the gentlemen in the jury all cried when my lawyer pointed at me and told them that they practically all had had either a mother or a sister. So the jury was only out three minutes and then they came back and acquitted me and they were all so lovely that I really had to kiss all of them and when I kissed the judge he had tears in his eyes. I mean it was when Mr. Jennings became shot that I got the idea to go into the cinema, so Judge Hibbard got me a ticket to Hollywood. So it was Judge Hibbard who really gave me my name because he did not like the name I had because he said a girl should have a name that should express her personality. So he said my name should be Lorelei[36] which is the name of a girl who became famous for sitting on a rock in Germany. So I was in Hollywood in the cinema when I met Mr. Eisman and he said that a girl with my brains should not be in the cinema but she should be educated, so he took me out of the cinema so he could educate me.

So Major Falcon was really quite interested in everything I talked about, because he said it was quite a coincidence because this District Attorney, who is called Mr. Bartlett, is now working for the government of America and he is on his way to a place called Vienna on some business for Uncle Sam[37] that is quite a great secret and Mr. Falcon would like very much to know what the secret is, because the Government in London sent him to America especially to find out what it was. Only of course Mr. Bartlett does not know who Major Falcon is, because it is such a great secret, but Major Falcon can tell me, because he knows who he can trust. So Major Falcon says he thinks a girl like I should forgive and forget what Mr. Bartlett called me and he wants to bring us together and he says he thinks Mr. Bartlett would talk to me quite a lot when he really gets to know me and I forgive him for that time in Little Rock. Because it would be quite romantic for Mr. Bartlett and I to become friendly, and gentlemen who work for Uncle Sam generally like to become romantic with girls. So he is going to bring us together on the deck after dinner tonight and I am going to forgive him and talk with him quite a lot, because why should a girl hold a grudge[38] against a gentleman who had to do it. So Major Falcon brought me quite a large bottle of perfume and I mean Major Falcon really knows how to cheer a girl up quite a lot and so tonight I am going to make it all up[39] with Mr. Bartlett.

April 14th:

Well, Mr. Bartlett and I made it all up last night and we are going to be the best of friends and talk quite a lot. So I told Major Falcon how Mr. Bartlett thinks I should write a play about how he called me all those names in Little Rock and then, after seven years, we became friendly.

So I told Major Falcon that I told Mr. Bartlett I would like to write the play but I really did not have time as it takes quite a lot of time to write my diary and read good books. So Mr. Bartlett did not know that I read books which is quite a coincidence because he reads them too. So he is going to bring me a book of philosophy this afternoon called “Smile, Smile, Smile” which all the brainy senators in Washington are reading which cheers you up quite a lot.

So I told Major Falcon that having a friendship with Mr. Bartlett was really quite enervating because Mr. Bartlett does not drink anything or dances. But he did ask me to dine at his table, which is not in the Ritz and I told him I could not, but Major Falcon told me I should, but I told Major Falcon that there was a limit to almost everything. So I am going to stay in my room until luncheon and I am going to luncheon in the Ritz with Mr. Mountginz who really knows how to treat a girl.

Dorothy is up on the deck wasting quite a lot of time with a gentleman who is only a tennis champion. So I am going to ring for the steward and have some champagne which is quite good for a person on a boat. The steward is really quite a nice boy and he has had quite a sad life and he likes to tell me all about himself. I mean it seems that he was arrested because he promised a gentleman that he would bring him some very very good scotch and they mistook him for a bootlegger. So it seems they put him in a prison and they put him in a cell with two other gentlemen who were very, very famous burglars. I mean they really had their pictures in all the newspapers and everybody was talking about them. So my steward was very very proud to be in the same cell with such famous burglars. So when they asked him what he was in for[40], he did not like to tell them that he was only a bootlegger, so he told them that he set fire to a house and burned up quite a large family in Oklahoma[41]. So everything would have gone alright except that the police had put a dictaphone in the cell and used it all against him and he could not get out until they had investigated all the fires in Oklahoma. So I always think that it is much more educational to talk to a boy like Fred who has been through a lot[42] and really suffered than it is to talk to a gentleman like Mr. Bartlett. But I will have to talk to Mr. Bartlett all afternoon as Major Falcon has made an appointment for me to spend the whole afternoon with him.

April 15th:

Last night there was quite a maskerade ball on the ship which was really all for the sake of charity[43] because most of the sailors seem to have orphans which they get from going on the ocean when the sea is very rough. So Mr. Bartlett made quite a long speech in favor of orphans especially when their parents are sailors. Mr. Bartlett really likes to make speeches quite a lot. I mean he even likes to make speeches when he is all alone with a girl when they are walking up and down a deck. But the maskerade ball was quite cute and one gentleman really looked almost like an imitation of Mr. Chaplin. So Dorothy and I really did not want to go to the ball but Mr. Bartlett bought us two scarfs at the little store which is on the ship so we tied them around our hips and everyone said we made quite a cute Carmen. So Mr. Bartlett and Major Falcon and the tennis champion were the Judges. So Dorothy and I won the prizes.

So after we won the prizes I had an engagement to go up on the top of the deck with Mr. Bartlett as it seems he likes to look at the moonlight quite a lot. So I told him to go up and wait for me and I would be up later as I promised a dance to Mr. Mountginz. So he asked me how long I would be dancing till, but I told him to wait up there and he would find out. So Mr. Mountginz and I had quite a delightful dance and champagne until Major Falcon found us. Because he was looking for me and he said I really should not keep Mr. Bartlett waiting. So I went up on the deck and Mr. Bartlett was up there waiting for me and it seems that he really is madly in love with me because he did not sleep a wink[44] since we became friendly. Because he never thought that I really had brains but now that he knows it, it seems that he has been looking for a girl like me for years, and he said that really the place for me was Washington D. C.[45] where he lives. So I told him I thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate. So he wanted me to get off the ship tomorrow at France and take the same trip that he is taking to Vienna as it seems that Vienna is in France and if you go on to England you go too far. But I told him that I could not because I thought that if he was really madly in love with me he would take a trip to London instead. But he told me that he had serious business in Vienna that was a very, very great secret. But I told him I did not believe it was business but that it really was some girl, because what business could be so important? So he said it was business for the United States government at Washington and he could not tell anybody what it was. So then we looked at the moonlight quite a lot. So I told him I would go to Vienna if I really knew it was business and not some girl, because I could not see how business could be so important. So then he told me all about it. So it seems that Uncle Sam wants some new aeroplanes that everybody else seems to want, especially England, and Uncle Sam has quite a clever way to get them which is too long to put in my diary. So we sat up and saw the sunrise and I became quite cold and told him I would have to go down to my room because, after all, the ship lands at France today and I said if I got off the boat at France to go to Vienna with him I would have to So I went down to my room and went to bed. So then Dorothy came in and she was up on the deck with the tennis champion but she did not notice the sun rise as she really does not love nature but always wastes her time and ruins her clothes even though I always tell her not to drink champagne out of a bottle on the deck of the ship as it lurches quite a lot. So I am going to have luncheon in my room and I will send a note to Mr. Bartlett to tell him I will not be able to get off the boat[46] at France to go to Vienna with him as I have quite a headache, but I will see him sometime somewhere else. So Major Falcon is going to come down at 12 and I think I will tell him all about the aeroplane business. And, after all I do not think Mr. Bartlett is a gentleman to call me all those names in Little Rock even if it was seven years ago. I mean Major Falcon is always a gentleman and he really wants to do quite a lot for us in London. Because he knows the Prince of Wales[47] and he thinks that Dorothy and I would like the Prince of Wales once we had really got to meet him. So I am going to stay in my room until Mr. Bartlett gets off the ship at France, because I really do not seem to care if I never see Mr. Bartlett again.

So tomorrow we will be at England bright and early[48]. And I really feel quite excited because Mr. Eisman sent me a cable this morning, as he does every morning, and he says to take advantage[49] of everybody we meet as traveling is the highest form of education. I mean Mr. Eisman is always right and Major Falcon knows all the sights in London including the Prince of Wales so it really looks like Dorothy and I would have quite a delightful time in London.

Chapter Three
LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING

April 17th:

Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on the train yesterday as the boat does not come up to London but it stops on the beach and you have to take a train. I mean everything is much better in New York, because the boat comes right up to New York and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night because Mr. Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would hate to tell him that London is a failure. So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of Americans. I mean you would really think it was New York because I always think that the most delightful thing about traveling is to always be running into Americans and to always feel at home.

So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw a quite cute little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy under the table, because I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on top of the table as I am trying to teach good manners to Dorothy. So I said “That is quite a cute little girl so she must be an American girl.” And sure enough she called the head-waiter with quite an American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, ‘I have been coming to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I have been kept waiting.’ So I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward[50]. So we asked her to come over to our table and we were all three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny have known each other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to school together and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all the newspapers. So now Fanny lives in London and is famous for being one of the cutest girls in London. I mean Fanny is almost historical, because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins to get historical.

So we went shopping for hats and instead of going to the regular shop we went to the children’s department and Fanny and I bought some quite cute hats as children’s hats only cost half as much and Fanny does it all the time.

So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon invited us to go to tea with Lady Shelton. So Major Falcon invited Fanny to go with us too, but she was sorry because she had to go to her music lesson.

So at Lady Shelton’s house we met quite a few people who seemed to be English. I mean some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which seems to be the opposite of a Lord. And quite a few[51] are not Ladies, but are just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So Lady Shelton was really delighted to have we Americans come to her house. I mean she took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and tried to sell us some shell flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds. So we asked her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she would love us to meet her mother.

So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house which was just around the corner from her house. Because her mother seems to be called a Countess and raise dogs. So her mother was having a party too, and she seemed to have quite red hair and quite a lot of paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she asked us was she asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we told her no. And she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let my daughter stick[52] you—they fall apart[53] in less than a week.” So then she asked us if we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy but she said “How long before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think the Countess acted like a Countess should act because she laughed very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really priceless and she grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not encourage Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I told the Countess that we did not need any dog.

So then I met quite a delightful English lady who had a very, very beautiful diamond tiara in her hand bag because she said that she thought some Americans would be at the party and it was really a very, very great bargain[54]. I mean I think a diamond tiara is delightful and I really never thought of wearing diamonds before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a diamond tiara. The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always look new. So I was really very intrigued and I asked her how much it cost in money and it seems it was $7,500.

So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed to be quite well groomed. So I asked Maj or Falcon who he was and he said he was called Sir Francis Beekman and it seems he is very, very wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give us an introduction to one another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman if he would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara, and I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute. So he thought it did too, but he seemed to have another engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really very unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him” because she said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a halfpenny the statue of a gentleman called Mr. Nelson[55] took off his hat and bowed. I mean some people are so unrefined they seem to have unrefined thoughts about everything.

So I really have my heart set on[56] the diamond tiara and I became quite worried because Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party last night that would be full of delightful Americans and it would be snapped up. So I was so worried that I gave her 100 dollars and she is going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is the use of traveling if you do not take advantage of opportunities and it really is quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I cabled Mr. Eisman and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to how know much it costs to get educated by traveling and I said I really would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would not have to borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night because of all of my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy the diamond tiara it may be a quite hard thing to get back $100 from an English lady.

So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy and I to look at all the sights in London. But I really think if I do not get the diamond tiara my whole trip to London will be quite a failure.

April 18th:

Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take Dorothy and I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be delightful if we had another gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable from Mr. Eisman which told me he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send me 1000 dollars which really would not be a drop in the bucket[57] for the diamond tiara. So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could not come but I teased him and teased him over the telephone so he finally said he would come.

So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat with Sir Francis Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call him Sir Francis Beekman but I was really going to call him Piggie[58].

In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean London is really nothing at all. For instance, they make a great fuss over a tower that really is not even very tall and it would only make a chimney on one of our towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us to get out and look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to get up that morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that Dorothy has said in London. So we did not bother to get out.

So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious champagne cocktails at a very very smart new restaurant that you could not get in New York for neither love or money[59]

Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.

Текст предоставлен ООО «Литрес».

Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию на Литрес.

Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.

Notes

1

«Риц» – фешенебельный ресторан и гостиница в Нью-Йорке.

Back

2

с первого взгляда видел, есть ли у человека мозги

Back

3

«Колони» – фешенебельный ресторан в Нью-Йорке.

Back

4

«Трокадеро» – ресторан и кабаре в Нью-Йорке.

Back

5

Арканзас – американский штат.

Back

6

этого хватит/достаточно

Back

7

«Фоллиз» – знаменитое варьете и кабаре продюсера Ф. Зигфелда в Нью-Йорке.

Back

8

забывается / выскакивает из головы

Back

9

Дэвид Гриффит – американский режиссёр немого кино.

Back

10

влюбилась в кого-л. / запала на кого-л.

Back

11

принесло большую пользу

Back

12

решили

Back

13

отныне

Back

14

не ожесточиться

Back

15

Суфражистка – участница движения за предоставление женщинам избирательных прав.

Back

16

наши пути пересеклись

Back

17

Елена Прекрасная (Елена Троянская), в древнегреческой мифологии – прекраснейшая из женщин.

Back

18

Бенвенуто Челлини – итальянский скульптор, ювелир, живописец, воин и музыкант эпохи Ренессанса.

Back

19

местами она была смешная

Back

20

но так и не дозвонилась

Back

21

сегодня я, пожалуй, отправлюсь

Back

22

ладить/дружить

Back

23

Рудольф Валентино – американский киноактёр итальянского происхождения, секс-символ эпохи немого кино.

Back

24

знает все ходы и выходы / хорошо ориентируется

Back

25

как будто она знает французский

Back

26

который там родился и вырос

Back

27

Цинциннати – город в штате Огайо.

Back

28

нитка жемчуга

Back

29

«Маджестик» – трансатлантический круизный пароход.

Back

30

она не заботилась бы обо мне больше

Back

31

проводник на железной дороге

Back

32

наносить визиты / наведываться / приходить

Back

33

на некоторое время

Back

34

окружной прокурор

Back

35

называл меня нехорошими словами / обзывал меня по- всякому

Back

36

Лорелея – волшебница, использующая свой голос, чтобы подчинять мужчин.

Back

37

Дядя Сэм – персонифицированный образ Соединённых Штатов Америки.

Back

38

затаить обиду / держать зло

Back

39

поладить / забыть обиду

Back

40

за что он сидел

Back

41

Оклахома – американский штат.

Back

42

который много пережил

Back

43

с благотворительной целью

Back

44

он глаз не сомкнул

Back

45

Вашингтон, округ Колумбия – официальное название столицы США (не путать со штатом Вашингтон на северо-западе США).

Back

46

сойти с корабля

Back

47

Принц Уэльский

Back

48

рано утром / ни свет ни заря

Back

49

выгодно использовать в своих интересах

Back

50

Фанни Уорд – американская актриса театра и немого кино.

Back

51

довольно много

Back

52

надувать/обманывать

Back

53

развалиться

Back

54

выгодная покупка

Back

55

Адмирал Нельсон, фигура которого венчает его колонну в Лондоне.

Back

56

поставила цель заполучить

Back

57

капля в море

Back

58

Хрюша

Back

59

ни за что на свете / ни за какие коврижки

Back