Nikolay Lakutin
Anniversarian. A play for 2 people. Comedy

Attention! ALL COPYRIGHTS TO THE PLAY ARE PROTECTED BY THE LAWS OF RUSSIA, INTERNATIONAL LAW, AND BELONG TO THE AUTHOR. ITS PUBLICATION AND REPUBLICATION, REPRODUCTION, PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, TRANSLATION INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, AND MAKING CHANGES TO THE TEXT OF THE PLAY WHEN STAGED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR ARE PROHIBITED. THE PRODUCTION OF THE PLAY IS POSSIBLE ONLY AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF A DIRECT CONTRACT BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE THEATER.

A comedy in two acts for two people. (It can be delivered as a one-act version).

The actors

Philemon

Ivy (Sasha)

Filimon's poor bachelor apartment. There are many books on the shelves. The table is set for twenty people, the host is waiting for guests on the occasion of celebrating his anniversary.

Action 1

Scene 1

Philemon (into the phone). Ay, thank you, dear, it feels good to the core. I'm getting ready, of course. The table is almost set. I don't know if that's a lot or a little for you. For twenty people. Yes, yes. Well, how about it? Family, friends, loved ones. Friends, buddies. That's still a minimum. Yeah. Yes. Thanks, kisses. And a huge hello to him. All right, bye.

He puts down his phone. Nostalgic, dancing, putting the finishing touches to the table decoration. He serves and waits for the guests with anticipation.

Philemon. Where did I put my big, beautiful decanter? It would be very appropriate now. Oh, okay. Let the juices and drinks be in tetropacks and in bottles. It's not too festive, but what can you do. There will only be all their own, they will not condemn.

Like that. Philemon! Fifty kopecks! He lived! I made it! The age is not to say that it is respectable, but, nevertheless, not everyone can boast even of it today. And how many times have I been saved by God or the devil? The dashing years did not pass me by, everything happened. Thank you for being alive, healthy and sane. But it will be about the past, soon the guests will start coming …

Looking at the clock.

Philemon. Yes, soon. Very soon. Oh, how will we get together! How will we sit! Let's celebrate! Just like in the good old days. We don't get together very often now, we need a serious reason for such an event. And there are not so many reasons. We are gathered either at funerals, weddings, or anniversaries. My wedding has been over for a long time, the funeral, I hope, will wait, but the anniversary – yes… Let's laugh, let's remember…

the sound of a message is heard. Filimon finds his smartphone, presses "listen".

A voice message. Philemon, hello. Happy anniversary, happy holiday. I'm sorry, please, the children and I won't be able to come to you. Kostya, the idiot, bought tickets on a hot ticket and said so only now. I wanted to make a surprise… It turned out that way. We have a flight at midnight today, we only have time to pack. Don't think we were actually going to see you. We bought a gift. The children have also prepared something for you personally. But you know that their relationship with Kostya is still not very good. So he decided to fly to Vietnam together to unite the family. His friend works at a travel agency, she found last-minute packages, all inclusive at a good price, and Kostya immediately took them away. But at least I told you yesterday, you fool. Of course, he didn't think about your birthday. And our plans all went to hell. I myself have an appointment with a cosmetologist at nine in the evening, Pashka and a girl were going to the cinema for an evening session, and Alinka was going to a friend for an overnight stay. We all have plans covered with a copper basin, I'm sorry, please, but don't give up this trip now? When we arrive, we will come to you first, a souvenir from Vietnam is for us! No offense, okay? I'm sorry about what happened… Happy holidays, once again, great to celebrate! Say hello to all of us, we kiss and hug everyone!

Philemon. That's the news! My ex–wife-damn her, along with her unfinished Bone. Everything is always wrong with her, thank God. In marriage, she ruffled my nerves, so then again and after … (Mimics) Philemon, happy holidays to you, please forgive me, fi-fi-fi, tut-tut-tut… Ugh! I won't forgive you! She's the one who looks so sweet, so innocent of anything, but in life she's still an infection! Well, let her fly with her beautiful new hubby, a fair wind, a flag in her hands… And somewhere else. But the fact that I won't see the children is really upsetting. We don't see them very often anyway. They are conditionally adults. Under thirty for both son and daughter. They don't always have time for the folder. Relationships, work, friends… We call each other, on my initiative, mainly. But so that we can see each other once again… They don't come to me for no reason, even though I call them all the time, but how am I going to see them now? If only my ex lived with them, it would be another matter. As it is, I'm not there at all. I stopped by on business once, so I felt with my whole skin that I was superfluous there. This Kostya keeps quiet, but his gaze is unkind. And this one is also like between two fires. It was awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. I haven't been to them since.

I thought I'd finally see the kids. While we're talking, maybe I'll scout something out. It's interesting, though, how they live. And the way you don't ask on the phone is the standard answer: Nothing, Dad, everything is fine, everything is as usual.

A message sound is heard. Filimon picks up his smartphone, presses "listen".

A voice message. Hey, bro! Happy holidays! Health, money, good luck and inspiration! This is the case, I have an emergency at the factory. They pulled it urgently. It doesn't happen often, but no, no, yes and yes. I'm already going to. Apparently for a long time. Dasha doesn't want to go without me, especially since both of her daughters are kind of quaint. They cough and sniffle. The infection is walking around the city, now everyone is sick. Suddenly what? Imagine infecting you on your bright holiday? Yes, it will not be possible to beg for it later. Somehow, everything piled up from all sides at once. Let me give you a light as soon as I'm free. Tomorrow evening, I'll probably stop by with Dashka, and let the snotty children stay at home, there's nothing for them to spread the infection. That's it, I'm sorry, I have to run. See you later!

Philemon. And my brother is there too! What kind of day is this? It all started out fine! There should be a holiday! Joy! Family and friends. Gatherings, conversations. Jokes are jokes. My brother is generally the soul of the company by himself, you can't tan with him. Now he has also lost the main mass entertainer.

Yeah… Everything didn't go according to plan. What can you do – life! The emergency is not a joke. Let them solve problems, fix problems. His job is responsible, his position is high. If it is necessary, then it is necessary.

It turns out that my family will not be at the table. But stop though! Why won't it be? The nephew is a cousin! Yes, he also asked for his new girlfriend, I don't remember her name, he changes them like gloves. I don't really like this idea of his coming to my party with another lady of his heart, but it's inconvenient to refuse. Okay, really… At least he will be from his family, otherwise it doesn't work out well at all.

A message sound is heard. Filimon picks up the smartphone again, presses "listen".

Voice message (in a sleepy voice). Uncle Philemon, hello. I went out with mine a little bit yesterday. We returned home late. To be more precise, it's too early. My eyes are barely open now. We need to wake up somehow, cheer up, understand what's what, where and… and… this… Yes. What did you want to say? You're sitting down without us. Don't wait. We'll swing until we get to you from the other side of the city. Start without us, we'll catch up. We will accept the penalty for being late (yawns) No talking! Even better, two! But no, wait, mine says something… huh? Yeah. Clear. Look, we'll overplay it a little. My bunny urgently needs to hand over a USB flash drive with a diploma, she is my student. Fussing, the last course. Look, now she's running to a meeting, solving her business, and then straight to you, I'll tell her the address. In the meantime, I'll swing, and I'll jump up about there by the time. I'll meet you at your place. We won't miss each other. Just later.

Philemon. That's an asshole Earring! I knew that I was going to my uncle's birthday at four o'clock! Then why the hell are you wandering around at night? You have to count on it somehow! Youth is careless, he was like that himself. Eh… Where are my seventeen years…

Everything is clear. Later means later. Well, at least I have friends, otherwise I would celebrate the anniversary alone.

A message sound is heard. Philemon clicks "listen".

A voice message. Hello, old man! Happy holidays. Phil. I can't come to you, no offense, okay? I'm whispering, I've got a drop here! I had a fight with my goat. She saw traces of lipstick on my shirt, the secretary, a parasite, messed up again. How many times have I told her to cover up all traces of herself. I cleaned my hair off my clothes, poured my perfume from head to toe to kill the smell of perfume from this my lippy. And there was a trace of lipstick at the neck itself. I don't have eyes on my neck. I looked in the mirror – everything seemed to be in order, but there was a very small footprint. My wife saw it. The scandal almost led to a divorce. Phil, there's really no time to celebrate right now, we need to save our family life somehow. Do you hear him yelling? Yeah, he's freaking out. That's it, I can't talk anymore, now it's going to be Makhach! Happy holidays, old man. Pray for me just in case. Hang up.

Philemon. Tolyan, again on the same rake! The hunchback, as you can see, will be corrected by the grave. We've been friends with him for as long as we've been together –he's always chasing after every skirt. So many girls have passed through him that he probably lost count himself a long time ago. The wife is beautiful. A very effective woman. Seven years younger than him. Curvy, successful. She has a chain of cafeterias in the city. He does fitness, reads Dostoevsky. The house is clean and cozy. Most importantly, she loves him. And there he is. I've talked to him so many times to calm down, but it's no use.

What kind of life is this? As a good decent woman, there must be some Tolyan next to her. Or vice versa. Take my example. I'm a good man, but I got a mean wife. She traded my anniversary for some kind of Vietnam. Would a normal ex-wife do that? That's what I'm talking about.

So! What happens to the guests there… So I'm waiting for the twins and their wives, and the Quartet. The quartet is what we call one group among ourselves. Our mutual friends. Vova is Hoarse, Sanya is Bald, Tema is Dry and Gena is a Goblin. They always keep a foursome. It's been how many years for everyone, and everyone is in bobbles, none of them has married. They drink and walk. Sabbaths are interrupted, so, nothing serious. The guys are not very conscious, but they are united. Each of them has a hard life, but, nevertheless, they are not optimistic. They should be here by now, it's already time… by the way, what time is it? Oh, it's been a long time! Where are they?

A message sound is heard. Philemon clicks "listen".

A voice message. I'm pressing the crab, "root". Happy birthday. So what? All. We arrived. Hoarse fit into the Porsche. I fit in fine. Neither he nor we have a muzzle now. I'm going to send you a photo, check it out.

A message sound is heard, followed by several more. Philemon looks at the photo.

Philemon. Christmas trees! Wow, I fit in. Yes, it looks like he was going to ram specifically.

A voice message. Well how? Spectacular? By the way, Drishch sends his regards to you, he got into the frame, he's trying to open his door for some reason. It can and will open, but it is unlikely to close later. But to argue with him… The Bald man and the Goblin are now butting heads with the Porsche driver. They are rolling on the asphalt in search of the lost brotherhood. Maybe they will find it, or maybe the traffic police crew will help in the search. There they are already on their way. That's it, I went to sort out the situation. Well, you got it, right? Don't wait for us.

Philemon. They all seem to be intact, that's the main thing. And the pieces of iron – they are also pieces of iron in Africa. It's a pity, of course, but what can you do. Anything happens. Ay… Let's get the results! So the ex and the kids are flying away.

He removes three plates from the table.

Philemon. A brother with Dasha and two daughters, minus four more.

He removes four more plates from the table.

Philemon. Tolya and her family are still minus two people.

He removes two plates from the table.

Philemon. The "quartet", of course, will argue about guilt until the night, explanatory, analysis, protocols… Minus four plates.

Removes four plates.

Philemon. Seryozhka will show up with his new lady of the heart only in the evening, and… ah, well, the twins with their wives. They should be there. People are responsible. Thank God, at least someone will come to congratulate me.

A message sound is heard. Philemon clicks "listen".

Voice message (water noise, hum, fuss is heard). Filimon Ekimych, hello. This is Olya. You've probably already lost us. I'm sorry, we didn't think to tell you right away. We have a force majeure situation here. The water broke. We're all running around with rags, trying to prevent a flood. After all, the house is for two owners, the same ones were built so that they would be next to each other all their lives, there was only one water supply. Now we're all in a bunch. Lena sends her regards, and our men are trying to patch something in the underground. I don't know what they can do there now, I think they will have to call the services. We're all dirty, wet. We don't know what to do. We can't come. When the men are free, they will call you. Such things.

Philemon. Well, that, you know… It just doesn't fit in any gate anymore! I understand everything, there are coincidences in life, a series of failures, accidents… But to do it all at once! One day the world came together like a wedge, and even on me! What for? So that no one can come here? What are the tricks of Fate? For what? Why?

Yes, the twin brothers, indeed, have dreamed of building a house for two families since childhood. There is a partition, but, in fact, there is only one house, and, of course, if they have problems around the house, then these are common problems. The plumbing is old, it should have been changed a long time ago. It blew up after all… No luck. But they were lucky with their wives. Both Olya and Lena are very good women. This is the main thing, and everything else is the little things of life.

Philemon removes four more plates from the table.

Philemon. It remains to wait for the Parasite Earring with its Stutter. The three of us will get the whole table. But that's when. And now…

He pours himself a shot glass. He raises it.

Philemon. Be healthy, Filimon Ekimych! Happy anniversary!

He drinks. He sits down at the table, gets ready to eat.

The doorbell rings!

Scene 2

Ivy enters, looking very defiant.

Ivy. Hello, kitty.

Philemon. And… I… this… Hi. You must be a Bunny

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