Nikolay Lakutin
A play for 3 people. Comedy. An appointment with a kayfologist

Attention! ALL COPYRIGHTS TO THE PLAY ARE PROTECTED BY THE LAWS OF RUSSIA, INTERNATIONAL LAW, AND BELONG TO THE AUTHOR. ITS PUBLICATION AND REPUBLICATION, REPRODUCTION, PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, TRANSLATION INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, AND MAKING CHANGES TO THE TEXT OF THE PLAY WHEN STAGED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR ARE PROHIBITED. THE PRODUCTION OF THE PLAY IS POSSIBLE ONLY AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF A DIRECT CONTRACT BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE THEATER.

A play in two acts. (It can be delivered as a one-act version).

(16+)

An explanatory note for the director is attached at the end of the play.

THE ACTORS

Antoine.

Emily.

Leon.

Action 1

Scene 1. A la cafe.

Cafe. Slightly dimmed light.

Two tables are set apart from each other. Emily is sitting at the first one, picking at her plate without much appetite, reading magazines, answering incoming messages from time to time. The second table is empty.

Leon enters, presses the phone to his ear with his shoulder, and carries a tray of food in his hands. Drops the phone, gets nervous. He puts the tray on an empty table, picks up the phone, sits down at the table, continues the phone conversation.

Leon (into the phone, loudly). Yes, yes, I'm listening. Nothing happened, I dropped the phone. I didn't fall asleep, no. I'm not neglecting your advice, my hands were just busy… yeah… well… Well, listen up… So what? And do you think it will give any results? (Strictly). Are you a psychologist or what? What kind of idiotic techniques are these? Where did you read this? You haven't grown a mustache yet, but you're already trying to build something out of yourself there. (Very rude). Go work at the factory, start earning honestly and stop fooling people's heads! And I will ask you to return the money that you took from me, otherwise I will write a statement about fraud! Too much for me, a psychologist!

He hangs up, freaks out. He begins to eat greedily.

Emily glances at the noisy visitor from time to time, but it's nothing more than mild curiosity.

Leon (eating, muttering to himself). Wherever you go, there are only impostors and scammers. Some one-day online courses are held, a certificate will be hung on the door and that's it, a specialist is ready. But the price tags are heavy for their services, as if they have twenty years of experience behind them. And so, most importantly, they are diligently trying to dig up something, to look for problems and complexities of a person that are supposedly worth paying attention to. And they find it! (To the viewer). Have any of you contacted a psychologist? At least once someone has had you come, and he says to you: "You are fine, there are no ailments, disorders, psychological traumas and depressive states, in a psychological sense you are completely healthy"! Has anyone ever said that to anyone? Yeah, they'll say how. They need to earn money. To beat off the rent, pay taxes, and live on something ourselves. And what will they get if they don't find or invent some problem that needs to be treated very urgently for at least eight to ten sessions. Crooks! Good-bye! The windbags!

She finishes her lunch, wipes her mouth with a napkin, and notices Emily. He forgets about the unpleasant conversation, sips a cocktail, glancing at the girl from time to time. Emily notices these glances on herself, at first she does not show it, but after that she begins to smile in response to the attention and even play along with her facial expressions in a playful and provocative way.

The exchange of glances and the game of glances does not last long. Leon gets up from his seat and walks towards the girl. Emily is smiling, waiting. But Leon passes by. Emily is lost in surprise, looks disappointed at Leon's back as he leaves, but he quickly returns.

Leon (coming up to Emily). Leon!

Emily (blooms again). Good afternoon, I'm Emily.

Leon. It's a pleasure, Emily, I hope I didn't ruin your meal with my shouting? For God's sake, I'm sorry, it's just impossible how many dishonest, unscrupulous people have divorced today. (He points to an empty chair at Emily's table) Shall I sit down?

Emily doesn't have time to give her answer yet, Leon sits down next to her.

Leon. I am terribly uncomfortable with my behavior, I would like to make amends. May I buy you something?

Emily (timidly, uncertainly). It's okay, thanks, there's no need for that, I've already had a snack.

Leon. What have you been biting here? Is this food? There will be food now. (Calling the waiter). The waiter!

Emily (timidly, uncertainly). Believe me, I'm not hungry at all, it's not worth ordering anything, I was about to leave.

Leon. Yes, I was going to, too, but how can you leave when there is such a goddess here. (Emily is embarrassed.) At least let me treat you to dessert. What kind of ice cream do you prefer? The tastiest vanilla balls are sold here, they are with chocolate, with…

Emily (interrupts). No, no, I'm…

Leon. Emily, I'm begging you! Or are you in a hurry somewhere?

Emily (timidly). Well… No, actually I'm not in a hurry.

Leon. That's great. Ice cream, as I understand it, is canceled. Well, what about a little delicious cake?

Emily (timidly). Only if it's very small.

Leon. In a tiny way! Everything is going to happen now! (Calling the waiter). The waiter! Well, where is he?.. Oh, you know… it's a mess everywhere. I'll go myself now. Wait, okay?

Emily. Okay, I'll wait.

Leon is leaving. Emily quickly takes a mirror and everything necessary for an emergency marathon out of her bag. She "powders her nose", cleans everything, straightens her hair, waits with an anticipated light smile.

Leon returns with two plates, each with a small cake and spoons. He puts it on the table.

Leon. Do you prefer tea or coffee?

Emily. Yes, I have more here, just enough. I don't need anything else, thank you.

Leon (sits down next to him). Well, then I'll just go dry. I don't want to leave you for a second anymore.

They smile and exchange glances. They help themselves.

Emily. I'm sorry, I don't want to pry into my business, but have you been talking to a psychologist right now?

Leon. It's all right, you can meddle in my business as if it were your own, you're allowed to. Yes, with a psychologist… torn. The work is nervous, I take it out on everyone. So, I decided to contact a specialist so that I could prescribe some drops of sedatives, suggest some tricks to reduce stress.

Emily. So what?

Leon (nervously). What is it? Nothing! (He slows down). Excuse me. You see what's going on, you can't control yourself at all. I've fed so much negativity that God forbid. My nerves went to hell.

Emily. Yes, there is something, but this world does not take up negativity. And work is rarely a joy. More often than not, we work not where we want, but where we get paid at least something.

Leon. You're damn right, Emily! Frankly speaking, I dreamed of being a gardener.

Emily. A gardener?

Leon. Don't be surprised, yes. Not everyone dreams of becoming astronauts, heroes, or drummers of some kind since childhood. Since childhood, I have loved flowers and other beautiful plants. When the boys in the yard were chasing a ball and playing war games, I spent almost all my time in a flower bed near the entrance. Loosened the soil, removed weeds, watered during the dry period. Usually children are not trusted with such events, it's still a responsibility.

Emily. Oh, by the way. There was also a flowerbed at my entrance, Tonya was in charge of it, so try it there, step on or drop something on her patrimony, you'll immediately grab it on all fronts.

Leon. Grandfather Nikifor was in charge of our flower bed. There was a world grandfather. He quickly saw in me a craving for plants and willingly began to bring me up to date. I knew which flower we had, what it liked, where, what needed to be carefully and painstakingly cared for, what to fertilize. Of course, I also played with the guys, but I lived in this flower garden with my grandfather Nikifor much more often. It was then that I realized that this was my vocation! To keep beauty and order, to take care, to look after, to preserve beauty and clean fresh air for the world! I dreamed of a big garden in which I would live and work with pleasure and for the benefit of everyone.

Emily. But fate– a villain, has made you an astronaut!

Leon. You're almost right. I did not become an astronaut, but I really work in the space industry. I am an engineer at the design bureau.

Emily. Wow! Responsible work!

Leon. Very. If something goes wrong, who will be to blame? Therefore, as you understand, the nerves are shattered. And, excuse me, in what fields do you work? If it's not a secret, of course.

Emily. You've been so open with me, Leon, that now it's just embarrassing for me to keep quiet and conceal anything. I'm an actress.

Leon. Wow? That's right, I've seen you somewhere! Which theaters do you play in? Or are you acting in a movie? I definitely know your face. I was wondering where I could have seen you before…

Emily. No, Leon, I'm not that big of an actress. I've never acted in a movie, but I play in a children's theater, and I also lead children's theater groups. However, if you have children, then yes, you could very well come with the children to my performances. I'm currently playing Alice the Fox in Pinocchio in the musical comedy.

Leon. No, no, I don't have any children. Hmm… it's strange, it turns out I was mistaken.

Emily. But I also went to psychologists.

Leon. Really?

Emily. Truth. And more than once.

Leon. Wait! And what happened to you? Is Basilio the cat spreading its claws?

Emily. Oh, yes, I see you're in the subject! Did you go to our performances after all? Well, open up, surely you have children?

Leon. No, no, I swear to you, Emily, it's just that who doesn't know Alice the Fox and Basilio the Cat? I read it as a child. I'll tell you more. I even know Karabas – Barabas and Tortoise Tortilla, and even Duremar!

Emily. I'm smitten! On the spot!

Leon. So what happened to you? Why did you and I end up being brothers… hmm… Sisters… No, also no, brother and sister by misfortune, that's it. Yes. Although I'm probably meddling in my own business right now, too. Forgive me for my excessive curiosity, I have no right to pry into your soul.

The conversation seems to be over. Leon wants to continue it, but there is an awkward pause. He's shy about asking questions, but Emily keeps up the tact. He thinks of something in his little head, looks at Leon with very meaningful short glances, and smiles meekly. He keeps quiet.

Leon takes this silence as the end of the conversation. Without waiting for an answer, he gets up from the table and is about to leave.

Emily. Because of the children!

Leon sits back down.

Leon. Eh?

Emily. Children are still nerve–wracking. They are wonderful creatures, don't think about it, I love children very much, but many children know how to vampirize energy, I don't know if you understand what I'm talking about.

Leon. I understand, I really do. My boss is the local Count Dracula. As soon as you talk to him, then you leave the office exhausted, or even with a headache.

Emily. That's it! That's right, I'm exhausted. And the headache in our business is caused more by the parents of children. Everyone has a lot of requirements, preferences, wishes, and even claims. For every parent, their baby is the best. So there is a squabble over who should play Pinocchio and who should play Malvina.

Leon. Theatrical affairs…

Emily. Some more!

Leon. And what about psychologists? Did you help?

Emily. I went around several specialists – but it's not the same. They say that finding a personal psychologist is as difficult as finding a husband or wife. You need to find the very person who will understand you, who will not treat you like a bargaining chip among other things, a stream of customers who will actually sincerely strive to help you and not just strive, but really help!

Leon. I agree with you, but where can I find such a person?

Emily. And you know, I seem to have met someone like that.

Leon. Come on!

Emily. Seriously. A friend has problems in her personal life, she was looking for a person who could fix everything. And found it! But not a psychologist, but better!

Leon. Better, how is it?

Emily. The specialist she signed up for is not called a psychologist, but a kayfologist!

Leon. A kayfologist? What nonsense, there is not even such a word!

Emily. Did not have. Now there is!

Leon. And… and what is he, this killjoy. Is he giving away highs? Teaches you a high life? Does it teach you how to get high from life? Such a message?

Emily. Sort of.

Leon. No, it's definitely some kind of charlatan. It's already clear.

Emily. But it's just not! A friend also treated this kayfologist with caution, asked me to go to an appointment with her, as a support.

Leon. But is it really possible? The conversation with the client happens one-on-one, right?

Emily. Strangely enough, he allowed it.

Leon. Is he? That is, the guy there sets his brain?

Emily. A man, yes.

Leon. So. Well, how is it?

Emily. We both left his office in complete delight, even, you won't believe it, hugged him goodbye.

Leon. Oh

, Emily. Yeah…

Leon. So you really got high talking to him?

Emily. To the fullest! I made an appointment with him too. I'm going the day after tomorrow, I couldn't before, he has a queue, and he himself is not always in the city. He often flies back and forth around the world.

Leon. Then I want to get to him too. Would you like to buy me a phone?

Emily. And… um… I'm sorry, I didn't understand. Do I need to give you my phone number? Or a kayfologist?

Leon. Both yours and his… If possible.

Emily thinks, looks at Leon and his playfully sly look.

Emily. Help yourself! Give me your phone, I'll write down both mine and his numbers.

Leon hands over his phone. Emily scores the numbers, they will explain where whose is. They smile, say goodbye, and disperse.

ZTM.

Scene 2. Emily's reception.

The office of a Kayfologist.

Under the explosive bright (preferably accompanied by lighting effects) musical accompaniment in the dance, Antoine comes out singing along to the sounding song. He dances and sings as if into a microphone into the neck of an open bottle of expensive cognac. His mood is great, he is all fresh, cheerful, open and attractive. He is wearing a bright stylish red shirt, otherwise not too strict style.

He is the master of the stage, he is the king of the world! But at the same time he is good-natured, unassuming and unobtrusive. Here you can even give someone from the audience a drink of cognac from a glass, into which Antoine publicly provocatively and seductively pours cognac. (Whether it will be real cognac or apple juice is up to the director to decide).

The music stops, Antoine goes to the work table, looks at who is next there for an appointment.

There's a knock on the door.

Antoine.

Emily comes in. She is shy, somewhat worried, does not know how to behave.

Emily. Antoine, hello, I'm Emily, I'm booked in for this time.

Antoine. Yes, of course, bring it in.

Emily (looking around). Ah?

Antoine. In the sense of myself. I mean, come on in, welcome.

Emily. Oh, yeah… Good. Thanks

Emily chooses a place to sit (there are several places to choose from). He sits down. She puts her purse on her lap, doesn't know where to start, she's confused.

Antoine. I remember you, you and your friend came as a support group!

Emily. Exactly.

Antoine. How's your friend doing? Was the blues asleep?

Emily. Sleeping. Now he infuriates everyone with his invariably pleased mug. She goes from one extreme to the other. You've gone too far with the highs!

Antoine. Envy is a nasty feeling, Emily. I'll tell you so! It's only in Russia that a smiling person can cause an unkind reaction. You're smiling, so you're a bastard, anyway, you're cooking some kind of dirty trick, or you've already implemented it, or you just go and think some kind of disgusting thing about the one who's looking at you at this moment. In this regard, you do not need to be afraid of condemnation, it is better to fear for your psyche and your inner color. After all, it is not customary for us to smile in our lives. Everyone should be gloomy, serious, preferably angry and aggressive towards each other. That's when everything's fine, that's when you're good, you don't stand out. It sounds a bit rude, but tell me what am I wrong?

Emily. Hmm… maybe not so radically, but in general… maybe. But then again, a friend is smiling now, and the psyche of others is suffering. Isn't that right?

Antoine. People will condemn it anyway. Sad is bad, cheerful is even worse. If you do not earn, you are a parasite, you have earned, it means that you have heated someone in some way, because an honest and decent person cannot earn anything significant in principle. Isn't that how we were taught to think? And I must say, this teaching was not in vain. By no means am I saying that everything is bad everywhere in our country, but somewhere in other countries it is good. I travel a lot, there are nuances everywhere, but I will say for sure that there is no use in walking all my adult life with a sour face. Not only is it unsympathetic, but it also adversely affects psychological health, and subsequently physical health. Most people prefer to spend money on some kind of anti-stress drugs, instead of spending money on a smile. Smile more often, laugh more often (for good reason, of course), watch more, read more or even participate in comedies, be mostly where the positive is! That's the whole recipe for health in all its manifestations.

Emily. Why are you wearing red?

Antoine looks at Emily in surprise, then at his red shirt, then back at Emily.

Emily is embarrassed by this look, realizes that she asked a stupid question.

Emily (clarifies her question). Well, it's simple… Red is considered an aggressive color.

Antoine. Do you think that I should and should have appeared before you in a white or blue robe?

Emily. Not necessarily in a bathrobe, but not in red… He is… People react differently. If someone reacts to you like a bull to a red rag, he will rush – you will be to blame!

Antoine. And this is an idea… It will be necessary to order a red medical gown for yourself, you will immediately be able to weed out visitors from the doorstep. The one who will be impudent – aside, who is in the right place – come here! Or, wait, in what sense, will he rush?

Emily (embarrassed). I'm sorry…

Antoine. In fact, you are partly right. Psychologists quite seriously believe that the love of red is a bell for psychological deviations. And the people generally have a saying "A fool is glad to see red."

Emily. Here!

Antoine. But I like the color red and I don't care what psychologists think about it or how people talk about it. I agree to be considered a fool among smart people, let them talk what they want. Cognac?

Emily. I won't say no!

Antoine. That's reasonable!

Pours some cognac into a glass, treats Emily.

Emily. Thanks (Helping himself). And how would I learn to spit on someone else's opinion?

Antoine (thoughtfully). Let's say that not every opinion should be ignored. Listening to what others are saying is not harmful. Moreover, sometimes really sensible thoughts sound, which at least make sense to analyze and try on yourself. I do not teach that the opinion of everyone should be ignored. No. Everyone and everyone should be treated with respect, and with genuine respect. Communicate with dignity, be condescending to stupid attacks on your own or someone else's address. Everyone judges, thinks and acts to the best of their intelligence, and, hand on heart, we note that not everyone has it at an exorbitant level. I am not a doctor of sciences myself, and I can also blurt something out somewhere from a small mind, which will just demonstrate my narrow-mindedness in this or that issue. And if someone more intelligent and more knowledgeable treats me condescendingly at this moment, and if also with respect, then it will be pleasant to me, as well as to anyone. Talk, listen, observe, but draw your own conclusions! That's what it's about.

Emily. Okay, I agree. (He finishes his drink, sets the glass aside). Delicious cognac, thank you.

Antoine. Health for. (He sits down opposite). How are you, Emily?

Emily, yes…

Antoine. It's clear. Is there a problem?

Emily. There is a little bit. How did you guess?

Antoine. Although I am not a psychologist in its purest form, but no one is in a hurry to share their joy with me either. They mostly carry problems – clean up, Uncle Antoine.

Emily. Judging by her friend's experience, Uncle Antoine is very successful at raking.

Antoine. But why not? So what's the gag?

Emily. The thing is… that I am…

Emily is a little lost from the word that does not fit into the framework of the situation, but Antoine looks at her quite calmly, amicably and openly, waiting for an answer.

Emily. Ahem. Yes. the thing is… that I'm… married.

Antoine. Oh! Congratulations! (Looks at Emily's reaction). Or do I sympathize?

Emily. Here! Yes, I'm sorry – it's more appropriate.

Antoine. Why is that? Why is marriage a burden?

Emily. Because I'm not married to someone I'd like to be.

Antoine. That's the number! Were you dragged down the aisle by force?

Emily. Well… Not that…, but also not that and… It all started spinning so fast there… I see she's already married. I looked closely – not for that!

Antoine. Understood, well, then let's remember your once happy free life!

Antoine pours cognac, treats Emily again.

Antoine. Without clinking glasses!

They drink.

Emily. Ah, I would like to have a snack…

Antoine. Ah, the moment!

Antoine brings a platter of fruits and treats them. Emily is helping herself.

Emily. Is it possible to resurrect this happy free life of mine?

Antoine. Why not? May. Life is yours! It's up to you to decide what to do with it. If you want, become happy, if you want, unhappy, if you want, alternate! Whatever you want. Everything happens in this world, everything is possible, everything happens.

Emily (flirting, under the blue eye after the cognac). Well, maybe you and I… hmm?

Antoine looks at Emily a little sarcastically, but kindly.

Emily (coming to her senses). Heck! Why did you pour it for me? Do you see what is being done? You did it on purpose, didn't you?

Antoine. Come on, no second thoughts! Have a snack – have a snack!

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