You have yourself
Diary of a Tired Mom
Elena Tiranova

Литературный редактор Елизавета Швецова

© Elena Tiranova, 2024

ISBN 978-5-0062-1253-4

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

Instead of introduction

Being a mom is a real art. For every parent, the birth of children becomes a transformational period, a period of difficulties and stress, in which the most terrible thing is to lose yourself.

I know from personal experience that being a mom is a hard and exhausting work. It requires unconditional devotion, dedication and love. Mom is an eternal lack of sleep, apathy and great responsibility. Mom is a job without days off, vacations and holidays. Like a multidisciplinary specialist, mom combines the roles of a nanny, educator, teacher, psychologist, doctor, cook, seamstress and cleaner. What is she trying to do? The most valuable reward for a mother is a happy and healthy child.

In this book, I would like to tell a personal story of transformation. The main role is played by a mother who excelled in the art of self—discovery and managed to remember herself, her desires and aspirations. This story proves that change is possible, even if it seems improbable.

I invite you to take a journey through the pages of books filled with inspiration. Remember that a child’s happiness depends on the moral and physical condition of his mother. I wish you, like the heroine of this story, to find inner harmony. The short recommendations recorded at the end of each chapter will help you with this. Have a nice trip!

With love and gratitude,
Elena Tiranova.

How it all started…

Pregnancy is a 9-month journey that is accompanied by anticipation. I clearly remember 9 months of waiting, which was justified by the birth of my beautiful daughter. From that moment on, everything changed in my life.

When your child is born, you don’t know yet that now the heart will always beat for two. You still don’t know that motherhood is a huge job, the payment for which comes with love, smiles, laughter and hugs.

Then everything happened in a fog. Endless insomnia, fatigue and overwork. The screams and crying that filled the room gave rise to dark thoughts in my head that I was a bad mother. There was less and less time for myself.

The child loves his mother unconditionally, but with a note – he needs her in order to survive. At the same time, unconditional love must be reciprocated from the mother. A cold and indifferent mother does not mean loving. Without sincere love and care, a child can grow up traumatized.

I clearly remember the moment when my daughter was placed on my stomach. She was so hot and looked at me with two big almond-shaped eyes. At that very moment, a bright spike occurred in my brain, provoked by a large dose of oxytocin¹.

Then everything happened in a blur. Endless insomnia, fatigue and overwork. The screams and cries that filled the room gave rise to dark thoughts in my head that I was a bad mother. There was less and less time for myself.

Every morning, if possible, I drank tea with cookies and milk in order to have a rush of milk. I often stayed on this tea all day, and somehow managed to feed my daughter. It felt like a cage had formed around me, and my little daughter had put me in it. I didn’t belong to myself at all, and every hour of every day I waited for my husband to come and take the baby to himself, and I could take time for myself – to wash, eat, take a break.

My shoulders have been restless for a long time from endless worries about my family. Day after day, they were erased under the weight of many cases. After almost a year of my life, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that it couldn’t go on like this anymore, and that something had to be done. I was unbearably exhausted.

Rationally, I realized that the mother I see in the mirror cannot be a full-fledged «mother», a woman and a wife. Suddenly, I was motivated to change this situation. I believed that I could pull myself together and try to build a balance between my personal and family life. In fact, this motivation was supported primarily by a sincere desire to avoid family breakdown.

A crisis in the relationship with husband in the postpartum period is quite common. If you don’t work it out in time, then personal communication based on love and trust can begin to collapse. This leads to the fact that the only reason for a conversation between the spouses is their child.

I made the decision to change our relationship with my husband and stop dragging everything on myself. I realized, that silence and the expectation that he himself would understand and take responsibility, would not change anything. In fact, it will only make things worse for both of us. I had a lot of thoughts running through my head.

In my mind’s eye, it looked like a heavy truck full of responsibility, which I loyally dragged behind me. My illusions that my husband and family would appreciate me and my actions turned out to be useless. I tried to reassure myself that I was doing my best for our family, but that didn’t make up for all the resentments and disappointments.

I decided that I would no longer persuade my husband, scream, or demand help. This format of persuasion does not reach his consciousness, but only causes irritation. Baseless claims, not backed up by actions, not only exhaust, but also completely destroy people’s relationships. You literally become an annoying fly that buzzes around your husband’s ear. In such circumstances, of course, he will not want to help. Generally.

That’s why I decided to expand my range of activities and interests. The world should not revolve only around everyday life. Even if we have a child. A happy mother is the key to a happy family, and all household chores can wait. So I decided to do what I’ve always dreamed of doing. I will live my life, and the tasks around the house will find their solution.

It’s been decided. To begin with, it was necessary to draw up an action plan to remove myself from accumulated fatigue. I looked at the calendar – it was Friday. This means that there was weekend ahead, when my husband could let me go so that I could be alone, and where I would be left only to myself.

How can I tell him about it? The first thing I did was to send him an SMS without waiting for him to return from work. It is not always possible to formulate thoughts correctly, looking at the face. Quite often it turns out that one thing is planned in your head, and as a result, your lips, in the power of emotions, pronounce completely different words. In order not to repeat the memorized script of swearing, I wrote:

«My dear and beloved husband, I am very tired, I feel that I am losing touch with reality. I really need a break, otherwise I’ll drive myself into a corner. Can you please take over some of my responsibilities?

I understand that you have a lot of work to do, and you get tired too, but I can’t take it anymore. Maybe I can relax with my friends on the weekend, go out for a walk. Maybe you’ll give me time to be alone with myself every day? I really need your help, and I know you can help me. Your support and understanding are very important to me.

We’re a team, right? Let’s work together and find a solution to lighten this burden for me.

I know that together we will be able to cope with any challenges and make our lives more joyful and balanced. Thank you for always being there and ready to help. Your love and support are what give me the strength to keep going forward.

With love, your tired but hopeful wife».

Usually, my husband is very busy at work, and we rarely communicate with him during the day, but then I got a warm response pretty quickly:

«Dear, I read your message and I want you to know that I can hear you and understand how tired you are. I realize that modern motherhood can be a difficult challenge, and I am ready to support you.

You’re right, sometimes we forget that you also have your own boundaries and need to rest. I’m ready to take on some of the responsibilities and help you unload. We can work out a plan so that things are distributed more evenly, and you can get the rest you really deserve.

Let’s work together as a team to lighten your burden and create balance in our family. I appreciate everything you do for us and our children, and I am ready to be a support for you in difficult moments. Kisses, see you later».

Oh God, everything inside me was rejoicing at that very moment. It was one of the brightest and warmest moments for the first time in a long time. It seemed that for a moment we suddenly turned into that carefree, loving couple who once said «Yes» to each other, standing in the registry office. The fire was rekindled between us, and for the first time since the birth of my daughter, I was able to feel intimacy with my husband again.

A moment of rest

So, Saturday came. It was one of those beautiful days when the gentle morning sun was just rising above the world. It was at this very moment of creation that I decided to do something special for myself.

My heartbeat quickened with excitement the moment I crossed the threshold of the apartment. What should I do? Where to go? Responding to an internal response, I headed to one of my favorite coffee shops, which was located not far from home. Looking around the counter with pleasure, I decided to stop at my favorite chocolate bar. So I decided to thank and encourage myself. When the first piece melted on my tongue, I felt real magic gently penetrating into every cell of my being. I enjoyed every bite, slowly and consciously, not sharing with anyone, not rushing anywhere. It was at this moment that I felt sincere joy and genuine bliss.

«Where should I go next?» I thought. The decision came quickly enough – I wanted to go to a flower shop. By all means, I decided to buy myself a bouquet. For each of us, there is a way to please ourselves and confess our love. For me, these are flowers.

My eyes were caught by a delicate composition of white and pink orchids, complemented by a combination of field ear, lisianthus and eucalyptus twigs. The natural combination plunged me into dreams. At that moment, I felt each flower touching my heart, filling it with warmth and magic. It seemed that with each breath I revived more and more and returned to myself. The bouquet became a symbol of my beauty and importance at the time of the walk, and upon returning home, it decorated my house with tenderness and fragrance.

The next stop is a beauty salon. Many people get relaxation through a tactile communication channel, and I am no exception. That is why I entered the salon doors with anticipation of the master’s touch. Massaging movements not only relieve muscle tension, but also provide a slight surge of dopamine. I was lying on a soft table, closing my eyes and going into a world of deep peace. Every touch of the master enveloped my face with a feeling of tenderness and care, lulling music sounded in my ears. «I’m standing on the ocean shore: birds are flying overhead, and a mysterious ship is visible in the distance». The usual massage practice allowed you to completely let go of all worries and enjoy the current moment.

Sometimes it takes very little to restore the necessary energy to the body and mind. Ask yourself, «What can please me right now? What can I do just for myself?» Simply follow your own desires: it can be a walk, a hot bath, or just a pack of your favorite cookies. Put Yourself first. At least for a little while.

I was returning home happy, with a smile on my face. My last stop was at a bookstore. I had a small goal – to find a new notebook. A notebook for creativity, a notebook for dreams. I decided that from now on I will write down all my «I want» there. I did not seek salvation in this simple thing, but thanks to it I allowed myself to form an intention. My fingers glided lightly over the smooth pages of the notebook, as if they penetrated into the world of my thoughts and ideas.

Filled with gratitude and love, I returned to my family. It was amazing how little it took me to relieve my fatigue. For the first time in a long time, I sincerely felt happiness and peace when I looked at my child, who was sleeping on my husband’s chest. It seemed that the retreating fatigue allowed me to feel the primordial again.

In the dead of night, when everyone fell asleep, I took out my paints and canvas from the «bins». Surrendering to the judgment of my own imagination, I «danced» with a brush on the canvas. Each drop of paint came to life and told its own story, and I felt my soul blossom with each stroke. As it often happens, immersion in creativity allowed me to forget about time, to enjoy every next second. It is at such moments that we catch a certain sense of grounding, in which there is no place for worry, anxiety and anger.

Sitting on the couch, I closed my eyes for a minute. The following picture appeared in my mind:

I was standing on the bank of a beautiful river. There were tall trees to my left, creating a pleasant shade. To the right, there were blooming fields on an open plain. The warmth, the light breeze, the cool softness of the ground underfoot. The environment seemed to permeate every cell of my body.

The water in the crystal-clear river shimmered in the sun like a thousand small diamonds. Its flow made me feel calm and peaceful. I watched its smooth flow with fascination. A whole natural concert seemed to grow up around me – the singing of birds, the rustle of leaves, the sound of water.

After a little thought, I decided to follow the flow of the river. The water touched my feet, the freshness and coolness drove away any echoes of negative thoughts. It was a moment of unity. Unity with nature and myself. My path had no purpose, I trusted my heart. What awaits around the next corner?

There was an atmosphere of real life in the air. Every breath was intense, I felt strength and confidence coming. Somewhere in the distance, I saw a bloom of unusual flowers. Nature, as a true creator, makes works of art. But it has her own tools.

Finally, I reached the source of the river. As I came closer, I remembered many legends and tales that special water filled with healing power flows in the springs. The icy freshness of the water worked like an electric shock on my body. It was like an instantaneous renewal – bodily and spiritual. The moment of restoration and inner transformation.

This vision plunged me into thought. According to folk myths, the image of the river symbolized the unity of all worlds: the beginning stream in the sky or underground was the connecting thread of the universe. The river is a symbol of dynamics, formation, and continuous development. At the same time, the eternal flow of water signifies stability, order, and peace. This ancient image contains great human strength, capable of overcoming any difficulties with composure and clear intention.

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Примечания

1

Oxytocin is both a hormone that affects various organs (including the breasts and uterus) and a neurotransmitter (a chemical messenger in the brain). It controls key aspects of the reproductive system, including childbirth and lactation, as well as human behavior. There are 4 neurochemicals in the human brain. They give rise to a feeling that we describe as «happiness» (ed.)

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