# A play for 2 people. An invented life. Comedy

Nikolay Lakutin

If life is not invented perfectly, then you can always think it up! We will present to your court a male and female view of many everyday problems. Let's play different situations, try to guess how it might be worth arranging everything!

Attention! ALL COPYRIGHTS TO THE PLAY ARE PROTECTED BY THE LAWS OF RUSSIA, INTERNATIONAL LEGISLATION, AND BELONG TO THE AUTHOR. ITS PUBLICATION AND REPUBLICATION, REPRODUCTION, PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, TRANSLATION INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, MAKING CHANGES TO THE TEXT OF THE PLAY WHEN STAGED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR IS PROHIBITED. THE PRODUCTION OF THE PLAY IS POSSIBLE ONLY AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF A DIRECT CONTRACT BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE THEATER.

A play in two acts (can be presented as a one-act).

Comedy for two actors (18+)

An explanatory note for the director is attached at the end of the play.

ACTORS

Semchik.

Olchik.

## Act one.

### Scene 1. Heart to heart 1.

Room. Warm, cozy atmosphere. There are two small armchairs and a table.

A lyrical musical theme sounds.

Semchik enters, carrying a teapot and a couple of mugs in his hand. This is his apartment, he is the owner. In a masterly way, he corrects the chairs, moves them a little differently, makes the arrangement of the devices on the table, leaves. Semchik's actions are measured, not fussy. He's in no hurry.

He returns again, brings sweets, puts them on the table, looks at the clock.

He sits down on a chair, takes out a smartphone, flips through the news feed in it.

The musical accompaniment ends.

Olchik enters. Positive, but exciting. The complete opposite of Semchik. A woman's handbag is on her shoulder, a bag of groceries is in her hand.

Olchik (chattering). Sema, hi. Mua-Mua (sends Semchik two swift air kisses). Why is your door unlocked? Are you not afraid of thieves?

Semchik (without getting up from the chair, slowly, slowly). Olchik, salute. There is no one scarier than you in my bachelor hut.

Olchik (deliberately offended). Well, thank you.

Semchik (trying to rehabilitate himself). I don't mean that, I mean… Well, you get it.

Olchik (positively, fussily). Yes, I understand-I understand. (Sceptically examines the table with treats). Soooo! Semchik, you don't change. Tell me honestly, aren't you tired of putting the same thing on the table yourself? How do you eat it? Okay, one. Okay, two. But now there's plenty of everything. No, you consistently treat the same. However, I knew it, so…

Olchik takes out of the bag those treats that she bought for the occasion herself. He arranges them on the table, rearranging everything that Semchik has arranged.

Semchik continues to scroll through the news feed in his smartphone, prints something, does not participate much in what is happening.

Olchik, having finished with the serving, and having assessed the "busy" Semchik, approaches him and takes his smartphone from him.

Semchik (indignantly, offended). And…

Olchik (putting his smartphone aside). You will have time to sit on the phone at any other time. Now you'd better talk to me.

Olchik removes Sema's phone to the side, puts his own there next to it, defiantly showing this gesture as equality of positions.

Semchik (looking away, crossing his arms on his chest). Actually, there was a very important correspondence.

Olchik (sarcastically). You can save the world another time. And now let's roll! What have you got there? Tea or coffee?

Semchik ("through the lip"). Coffee is expensive nowadays. Just for yourself, you can have tea in a bag.

Olchik (positively). Tea is so tea!

Sema gets up from the chair, goes to the table to fill the mugs, receives a playful and friendly slap on the fifth point from Olchik, turns around skeptically, frowns, continues his plan, noting only the cunning grin of Olya, who is more comfortable in her chair.

Sema hands Olchik a mug of tea, brings himself a jar of coffee, ostentatiously brews, savors the aroma and treats himself to what Olya brought.

Olchik (positively, looking at all this outrage). Come on, come on. As I knew, I sprinkled rat poison on everything ahead of time.

Semchik choking, begins to cough.

Olya puts down her tea, hurries to Semya, slaps him on the back. He clears his throat.

Olchik (accusingly, slapping Semchik on the back). Oh, how impressionable we are…

Semchik (with shortness of breath). Here! I told you, there's no one scarier than you here.

Olchik (busily). Come, sit down! I'm looking after you. And then you can't even really take anything in your mouth yourself!

Semchik (with some resentment). And you just can!

They exchange ambiguous glances.

Semyon sits down in his chair.

Olya takes care of him, serves coffee, having managed, however, to take a sip from a cup of Sema and grimace, serves some treats, sits down next to him in the next chair herself, taking what she wants from the table for herself.

They help themselves, drink.

Semchik (distantly). I read in the news yesterday that in Novosibirsk a cat fell from the 23rd floor onto the roof of a Nissan.

Olchik (anxiously). Which Nissan?

Semchik (with interest). Strange reaction… What about the cat aren't you interested in?

Olchik (anxiously). What will happen to her, the cat has nine lives, and I have one Nissan, in which my sister has just left for Novosibirsk. (Asks more demanding). Which Nissan, I ask?

Semchik (disinterestedly). How do I know? There were no details about the car. For some reason.

Olchik takes off, runs to the phone, starts dialing his sister's number. Semchik breaks down after him, takes the phone, puts it in place, drives Olya away.

Olchik (anxiously). I have to call my sister! Find out if everything is in order!

Semchik (with vindictive calmness). I also had an important correspondence, but it didn't stop you, so excuse me, citizen, we will sit in "happy ignorance" together!

Olchik is angry, offended, but where to go. He gives up his position, sits down indignantly in the Semchik's chair.

Olchik (displeased). Here, Semchik, you know how to be an unpleasant person!

Semchik (with a clear hint). There is someone to learn from…

they look at each other. They understand each other.

Semchik sits down in Olya's chair.

Olchik (trying to calm down and pull himself together). So how is she?

Semchik (wiping the thread of the conversation). Who!

Olchik (trying to calm down and pull himself together). I'm asking about the cat! Survived? No?

Semchik (calmly). A cat has nine lives, what will happen to it.

Olchik looks at this with disbelief.

Semchik (catching this look). Yes, she survived-she survived.

Olchik (still a little nervous). Wow, of course. It's not like that with people. I stumbled out of the blue and I'm ready. How many such cases?

Semchik (in solidarity). That yes. To know, a person is less valuable to nature and the universe as a whole than a cat.

Olchik thinks about it.

Olchik (with thoughtful interest). Semchik, but you're right! In the sense that… That your words are very similar to the truth. After all, in fact, a person is not valued a damn thing either among his own or among strangers. How much work, care, effort it takes for a person to be born, get stronger, get on his feet, learn something and show something to the world. But a moment is enough for a person to disappear.

Semchik (thoughtfully). And do you know… On the one hand, it seems to be unfair, but on the other hand, it is very right that everything is exactly like that.

Olchik (with a hit-and-run). What is right? Have you ever given birth? You know what toxicosis is, what it is – don't pick it up, don't run around here, take care here. What is only a spoiled figure worth! Yes, this alone outweighs the scales in favor of the injustice of the balance of birth and death, not to mention everything else.

Semchik (calmly, judiciously). In an ideal, or even just in a conscious society – yes! Of course, your truth is 200%. But this is not our case. Unfortunately, Olcha, our world systematically and tirelessly generates ignorance. How much dirt, rot, meanness in the hearts of people. Not everyone, of course, has a minority, but, alas, an active minority! Now imagine what the world would become if these active ignorant minorities were as tenacious as the same cats. Murderers, rapists, robbers, swindlers… Continue?

Olchik jumps up from his chair. She is practically shaking with indignation and indignation, but there is nothing to oppose Semchik's iron argument, and this angers even more.

Olchik (nervously, with a psycho). What did you do?

Semchik (taken aback). What?

Olchik (nervously, with a psycho). Did you just prove me wrong?

Semchik shrugs his shoulders in confusion.

Olchik (nervously, with a psycho). You could have just kept silent, like all normal men, no, you had to trample me into the dirt, show the breadth of your perception and my worthlessness, respectively! And you did it brilliantly! Burn you in hell for this, you brute! I hate you!

Olchik quickly leaves, nervously waving his arms and stamping his feet.

Semchik throws up his hands in misunderstanding of what he said. Silently, he moves his lips, thinks something about himself.

He addresses the audience, also with a psycho, jumping up from his chair.

Semchik (nervously, to the viewer). What kind of creatures are women anyway? You are silent – bad! If you open your mouth, you get even worse. Praising means flattering, scolding means you are biased. Yes, what you won't say, or what you won't keep silent about, what you won't do – you'll screw up anyway! How, tell me, do I even communicate with these pretentious creatures?

Semchik goes to the table, nervously grabs something there, shoves it into his mouth, chews… Gradually an interesting thought comes to his mind, he calms down.

Semchik (nervously, to the viewer, with his mouth full). Although… Although, actually, there is an idea… (He keeps the intrigue, chews, drinks, speaks normally.) And what if men and women could speak the same language and understand each other at a glance… They would be, as they say, on the same wave!

A blissful smile can be seen on Semchik's face.

Intriguing music sounds.

ZTM.

### Scene 2. Mutual understanding.

A positive musical composition sounds.

Olchik enters with a bottle of mineral water. Dressed specifically. Sneakers, wide trousers, a T-shirt, a bandit cap on his head. The gait is pale. A specific kid.

He takes off his cap, throws it to the side, not even looking where. He spits on his hands, smooths his hair on his head. Opens mineral water, drinks from the throat greedily, in big gulps.

Semchik enters in a dressing gown and boots. Moaning, holding his head, he looks pained.

The musical accompaniment subsides and ends.

Semchik (howling plaintively). Ahhh, my head is splitting.

Olchik (in his own way). Hey, playboy. Here you go, the mineral water is cold, now it's the very thing. It will let go a little. At the very dryness, the cap is hard.

Olchik throws a mineral water, Semchik catches it, immediately begins to drink it from the throat, also with greedy sips.

Olchik (carefully falling into a chair). Oh, we sat yesterday… (He turns a dubious look at Semchik.) Or lay down?

Semchik (drunk). What am I? Do I remember?

Olchik pulls off one of his sneakers from his foot, sniffs it, winces at the unpleasant smell, throws it aside. Removes the second one, throws it far away. He pulls off his socks, throws them anywhere, tries to get as comfortable as possible on the chair.

Semchik carefully sits down in another chair, trying to hold his head so as not to shake it once again. He pulls off his boots with difficulty, quickly catches the smell of his feet (his own), which does not add to his mood, throws his boots away from himself and from his girlfriend.

Semchik (languidly, painfully). It's so good that you and I understand each other.

Olchik (practically interrupting, categorically supporting). In general, nishtyak! I was watching a fantastic movie here on shift to pass the time, so there was one married couple who generally communicated somehow incomprehensibly. It seems like both people are about the same age, the only difference is that he is a man, and she is a woman. So they had no mutual understanding there at all!

Semchik (frowning, not understanding). What do you mean? What kind of nonsense is this? How can a man and a woman not understand each other? Who took off such a mess?

Olchik (enthusiastically). That's what I'm saying, fantastic! Of course, this can't be, the bazaar is zero! But listen, as an example, there was a situation.

Semchik (frowning, but with interest). Well?

Olchik (enthusiastically). In short, the girl, there at the very beginning of the story, invites the guy she likes to her for tea. He agrees, they go into her apartment, and the girl begins to cling to him gently. She tries to kiss him, hug him, but he pushes her away, does not understand what is happening. He asks what she is doing, because she called for tea, but she herself…

Semchik (frowning, but with interest). Wait! She called for tea, and she wasn't going to treat herself to tea, was she?

Olchik (enthusiastically). That's the whole point, no! The guy freaked out. I walked around the apartment, except for a straightened bed, a filled bubble bath and lit candles, I saw nothing. There was no smell of tea there. He, of course, freaked out and left. And then this girl called her friend on the phone, complained about this guy that he was so stupid that he didn't understand hints and all that.

Semchik (frowning, but with interest). I mean, does he not understand the hints? She called for tea, and she cheated! What hints can there be? Some crazy girl. Candles, a bubble bath, a bed… She's up to something illegal anyway, I'd tear my claws out of there too, fuck such stories!

Olchik (enthusiastically). Here! Can you imagine if there really were such fools? Is it possible to talk hints with guys?

Semchik (stretching). With us only in direct text, preferably the most direct and several times, for fixing, otherwise there is no way. There was some really strange lady in this movie. It looks like you've been watching some black stuff. So what? How did it end there? Did she drag anyone into her trap?

Olchik (curtailing the discussion). I don't know. Turned off this nonsense. Why look at something that can't be in life.

Semchik (supporting). Reasonable! But you know, women are fools, they say they meet in real life. A man, for example, came after work on Friday, took a drink (shows a gesture of drinking, a finger on the throat), of course. And his wife starts to nag him. Or there, during the week, a "pretty one" came, or just like that in broad daylight "threw himself". I've heard some people yell. And the fact that a man has the end of the working week, or someone's birthday, or maybe it's just bad at Heart, so they don't even allow the thought about it.

Olchik (supporting). I also heard that there are such. Real insanity. Thank God, you and I are normal.

Semchik (thoughtfully, judiciously). Yes… If there were someone like that in your place, a girla with a jerk, she would be shouting now, "clucking." I would be satisfied with an unnecessary and useless debriefing.

Olchik (practically interrupting, categorically supporting). There are, there are women – fools, what to take from them! In general, they do not push the male philosophy. And instead of trying to understand something and figure something out, they start to stupidly yell, hysteria and turn on the offense. They can't do anything else. Here are three manipulation tools for all occasions.

Semchik (approvingly). Olcha, what a bubbly girl you are! On the same wavelength with you, I adore you!

Olchik (happily). And I love you, Semulya!

They run together, kiss, hug.

Olchik (positively). Listen? Maybe we'll go to the cinema in the evening? Haven't been for a long time.

Semchik (with a sense of dignity). Rodnulya, half an hour ago I bought two tickets to some foreign kotovasia with your favorite actor, so we will definitely go!

The musical theme of the stage continues to sound.

Olchik rejoices, screams from an overabundance of feelings, hugs his beloved, kisses and starts hurriedly pulling off his clothes and from him, quite clearly making it clear what will happen now.

The musical accompaniment subsides and ends with the blackout.

ZTM.

### Scene 3. Heart to heart 2.

Room. Warm, cozy atmosphere. There are two small armchairs and a table.

A lyrical musical theme sounds.

Olchik runs to the phone, dials the number in vain.

Olchik (into the phone, nervously). Hello? Hello? Hello, little sister. Tell me, did anything happen to my car there? Everything okay? Why am I asking? Because there in Novosibirsk cats fly from skyscrapers, as far as I am aware. So how? Everything is fine? No one fell on the roof? Yes? Have you checked? Exactly? And where is the car now? Yeah? Look out the window. Well, look, I'm asking you, is it difficult, or what? So? (Pauses, nervous). Have you looked? Are you sure everything's okay? Why is it nonsense? Okay, it doesn't matter, fine and fine. Forget. How is she? Cucumber? What a clever girl. All right, bye.

He hangs up. Semchik enters.

Semchik (with interest). Did you get to the phone?

Olchik (putting the phone away). She broke.

Semchik (with interest). Well, what's there? Is your Nissan intact?

Olchik (clowning). Whole!

Olchik defiantly shows his tongue to Semchik.

Semchik first glanced briefly, and then stares intently at the tongue. Olchik, surprised by his seriousness and close attention, hides his tongue back in his mouth.

Olchik (boldly). What are you staring at? Have you never seen the language?

Semchik (warily). Not like yours. The plaque on it is kind of unhealthy, too crimson, it looks like scarlet fever! As a half-trained medic, I'm telling you! Don't come close to me and go to an infectious disease specialist. If you picked up something, it's better at an early stage, as they say, at the root.

Olchik (boldly). Oh, fuck you, you half-baked medic. I just saw a berry yogurt. I saw it, big-eyed! Worry about yourself, I'm fine!

Semchik (calmly). Not unfinished, but unfinished. It's not the same thing. Okay, since it's yogurt, then you can come over.

Olchik (with interest). By the way, why did you quit medical school? I forgot something. A promising area, now these medical centers are at every step, and everywhere the price tags are space.

Semchik (calmly). Couldn't. It's not mine. I thought I could, but still not. Here a special psyche is needed, a special attitude to life. I'm too soft, too vulnerable, too impressionable… as it turned out. In short – not mine.

Olchik (with a twist). And turning nuts at the factory is yours?

Semchik (calmly). Not the nuts, but the winding. Well, you won't understand anyway, and I don't want to explain. It's fine, everything suits me. You know, you don't work in the presidential administration either. I'm not charging you, am I?

Olchik (calmly). What are my years, maybe I'll still work there, but for now, at the reception of documents at the MFC, it's also, in general, not bad. Just the s/p was raised last month. Didn't I tell you?

Semchik (changing the subject). I've said it seven times already. But I don't want to talk about work right now. Let's talk about something more global.

Olchik (calmly). About men and women?

Semchik (with interest). How did you guess?

Olchik (calmly). And what could be more global? Don't talk about anything, everything, in the end, comes down to you, yes to us. Well … (Affectionately, with a sense of self-esteem). Mostly, of course, to us.

Semchik (agreeing). Here! That's what it's about! How nice mutual understanding is. But only sometimes. Still, if you are constantly on the same wavelength and know each step of each other in advance, then it will not be interesting. Such a relationship is devoid of intrigue, fuse! And if they are not, then the couple gets bored with each other very quickly. Mutual interest will fade and that's it. No, not that everything. If mutual respect remains, then there will be friendship, which is also valuable, but to marry a man …

Olchik (interrupts). Or a husband!

Semchik (agreeing). Yes, or a husband, a man just for the sake of getting a friend… Pshhh…

Olchik (after thinking it over). In fact, friendship is also a very cloudy instance. Today you are friends, and tomorrow you blurted out something wrong, unsuccessfully joked about being overweight …

Semchik (interrupts). Or growth!

Olchik (agreeing). Or height, but you never know. And that's all – friendship apart!

Semchik (after thinking about it). Maybe, of course, not immediately apart, but it will certainly crack.

Olchik (agreeing). Definitely. What else!

Semchik (after thinking about it). Thus, we come to the conclusion that any friendship, as well as relationships, can be unstable. No one can guarantee that marriage, or friendship, neighborhood, no matter what, will not collapse at any moment literally because of some trifle. And if so, then you need to have time to appreciate the relationships that you have, until the moment when life has not broken them in a way that suits you. So?

Olchik (agreeing). So! Especially since She is life, in any case, they will be torn apart. Nothing lasts forever under the moon. Disintegration, in whatever form, is just a matter of time. Everything has its beginning and its end.

Semchik (after thinking about it). So, it turns out that in this particular case, everything in life is properly arranged. There are a lot of men, there are a lot of women and there are a bunch of all sorts of different options for how someone can interact with whom, just choose.

Olchik (after thinking it over). It turns out everything is correct here. The most objective option is realized by life, and no matter how this option does not spoil our nerves from time to time, it is the only true one.

Semchik (busily). All right! But in any case, there is something where Her Majesty's Life has made a mistake. She's fucked up! She's screwed up! Totally screwed up!

Olchik (interrupts). You can stop practicing in the selection of synonyms, I understand you. Let's look for loopholes and think about what could be done better!

Semchik (busily). There is a suggestion!

Olchik (sarcastically). Well?

Semchik (busily). Acquaintance! What a problem. Not for everyone, of course, but for most people it is a concrete stupor. Few people know how to quickly and productively establish a dialogue with the girl they like.

Olchik (interested, with a twinkle). Or a boyfriend!

Semchik (cheerfully). Exactly! Therefore, I propose to fantasize about dating. Let's come up with something with you…, something else. Such an acquaintance, where there will be no stupid silence, mooing, lost time and opportunities, which subsequently results in regret for what was not said and done!

Olchik (interested, with a twinkle). Great. Where are we going to bring these poor devils together? In a restaurant, a movie? In transport, maybe or on the Internet?

Semchik (cheerfully). Why all these difficulties? We'll make everything easier. On the street. They met, caught their eyes …, but then....

An intriguing musical theme begins to sound softly.

Olchik (interested, with a twinkle). And then we'll come up with something now! So! Acquaintance!

The musical theme is enhanced by sound.

ZTM.

### Scene 4. Introduction.

The intriguing musical theme continues to sound.

Semchik and Olchik, dressed in haste, come out from different sides. They are busy with their own affairs, their thoughts. Semchik is talking on the phone, Olchik is sorting through some documents on the go, looking for the right sheet. They are walking towards each other, approaching. They are still busy with their own affairs, but they notice each other out of the corner of their eyes, everyone carefully notes mutual interest for themselves, they go by inertia, intersect, continue their course and seem to be already diverging.

Semchik dawns on the first. He is being abandoned.

The music stops, but it still sounds. Quietly. Background.

Semchik (into the phone). I'll call you back.

Turns around, looks at the girl. Olya also turns around at this moment, looks at Semchik with interest. Something is clearly starting to rustle in her head in a very right direction. She puts away the documents, looks at Semchik with growing interest.

Carefully, as if by chance, so as not to scare them off, they approach each other.

The music ends.

Semchik (winking at the girl, assessing her, playing with facial expressions). Hi.

Olchik (interested, with a twinkle). Hello, if you're not joking.

Semchik (feeling a successful rapprochement, gaining confidence). How are you?

Olchik (playfully, with a twinkle). I haven't given birth yet, but you might be able to…

Semchik (surprised). It will work – it will work! I will definitely succeed!

Olchik (playfully, with a twinkle and sarcasm). Interesting. How can you be so sure? Have experience in creating children? How much did you get, if it's not a secret?

Semchik (a little confused). Mmmm… frankly speaking, I have no experience in this matter. In the sense there is, but in the sense there is not.

Olchik (playfully, with a twinkle and sarcasm). In the sense of no, but in the sense of yes?

Semchik (a little confused). Well, yes!

Olchik (playfully, with a twinkle and sarcasm). How's that?

Semchik (a little confused). There is experience, there are no children.

Olchik (deliberately disappointed). Whoooo… Everything is clear. So Monsieur is an empty flower?

Olchik begins to turn around and leave, but only for show. She is in no hurry to leave.

Semchik (a little nervously). What is a pustotsvet at once? Come on, stop!

Olchik stops, but does not turn around. Deliberately "pickles" the guy.

Semchik (a little nervously). In a sense, I have not been engaged in pollination in order to draw such conclusions. I was engaged, but only in a protected form. And, nevertheless, my statement is not unfounded, because everything is fine in health! Checked!