# Shake the old. A play for 5 people. Comedy in two acts

Nikolay Lakutin

Do you think shaking the old stuff is a simple matter? Yes, this is still a science! Fortunately, there is a person in the world who knows a lot about retirement life. And he is happy to share this with everyone in the outrageously beautiful comedy "Shake the old".

Attention! ALL COPYRIGHTS TO THE PLAY ARE PROTECTED BY THE LAWS OF RUSSIA, INTERNATIONAL LEGISLATION, AND BELONG TO THE AUTHOR. ITS PUBLICATION AND REPUBLICATION, REPRODUCTION, PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, TRANSLATION INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, MAKING CHANGES TO THE TEXT OF THE PLAY WHEN STAGED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR IS PROHIBITED. THE PRODUCTION OF THE PLAY IS POSSIBLE ONLY AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF A DIRECT CONTRACT BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE THEATER.

Comedy for 5 people. A play in two acts. (Can be delivered as a one-act).

An explanatory note for the director is attached at the end of the play.

ACTORS

Methodius (retired).

Agnes (retired).

Vedana (retired).

Nyura (pensioner).

Yulka (young girl).

## Action 1

### Scene 1. News!

Morning. Courtyard. Bench.

Grunting, Nyura slowly comes out. Modest old man's clothes, a handkerchief tied on his head. He looks at an empty bench, slowly turns around, looks for his friends. Doesn't find it. Makes a deflection in the back (corrects the back, accompanying this edit with a heavy "Oh-oh"), sits down on a bench. Pulls out a smartphone with a shaking hand. Puts on glasses, looks closely at the screen, "pokes" something in the smartphone, presses a button, sends a voice message.

Nyura (in a raspy, still undeveloped voice). Well, where are you, my beloved comrades? I'm already on duty. Come on, hurry up. Let's sit and think about the life we've lived… And not only that… for ours.

Releases the button. He hears the hubbub of friends.

Agnes (cheerfully). Yes, here she is already right here!

Vedana (cheerfully). Sitting, already. Nimble!

Enter Agnes and Vedana. They walk slowly, in an old man's way. Each has a bag in her hand (not empty). The mood of the friends is upbeat.

Agnes (cheerfully). Sitting, sitting already girlfriend. And it's good.

Vedana (cheerfully). Yes, it's on hand!

Nyura (surprised, pointing at her smartphone). And… and I just sent you a message in the chat. Well, all right, come on, come on, moor up.

Friends, like two elementary school students, stand in front of Nyura, are embarrassed, hold each other's hand. Trying to catch their breath. They smile sweetly and cunningly.

Nyura understands what will happen now.

Nyura ("disowning" purely symbolically). Oh, come on, girls, really! Let's do without it all. Don't remind me, and it's so sickening.

Agnes (cautiously, with a grin). No, well…, we were preparing.

Vedana (cheerfully). In fact, Nyurka! Come on, don't get upset!

Nyura (waving it off and not pushing too hard). Ay, do what you want!

Agnes (pathetically). So, our dear Nyurochka. You've become a grown-up girl today. Vedana and I have conferred and decided to buy you a birthday present.

Nyura (symbolically refusing). Yes, we will.

Vedana (cheerfully). You wait to deny it. Take a look first, you'll be happy right away.

Agnes (positively). Look!

Agnes takes a handkerchief out of the bag, unwraps it, shows it defiantly. The handkerchief is exactly the same as the one tied on Nyura's head.

Vedana (cheerfully). Voila!

Nyura looks at the handkerchief and her friends with suspicion. He takes his handkerchief off his head, unfolds it, tries it on next to him. One to one. There is a dumb, not quite literary question in her eyes!

Nyura (with suspicion and misunderstanding). Are you kidding me?

Agnes (positively). No way! We just thought about this. It's your favorite handkerchief. It gets stuck, gets stuck… And then once, and the new one is the same. What's it like?

Vedana (cheerfully, Nyure). Is it sensible, tell me?

Nyura (not too happily). Girls, yes, I will not live to see the time when my favorite handkerchief is worn and faded. But thanks anyway. There will be something to plug the gap in the window. (Accepts the gift, casually crumples it) And then it slipped yesterday. (Bends in the back). The back does not bend at all!

Vedana (cheerfully, Nyure). If you live, you'll live. Just in this case, keep another present from me personally!

Vedana takes gifts from her bag, passes them to Nyura and explains.

Vedana (cheerfully, Nyure, explaining what she gives). These are pressure pills. Here you go, this is a widely used painkiller. This is valerian. Well, this sweet thing is ascorbic acid! Vitamins!

Nyura (not too happily, accepting gifts). Yes… You don't want to live with such friends, and they won't let you die. Thank you. Sit down already, there is no truth in the legs.

Agnes (sitting down on the bench next to her). Oh, no, Nyurka, that's right. There is no truth in the legs.

Vedana (sitting down next to him on a bench). And where will you find this truth now? She's nowhere to be found. You won't find it in the daytime with fire!

Nyura (judiciously, to Agnes, pointing to Vedana). And that's right! Vedana speaks the truth! Not to find the truth today.

Agnes (nodding, shaking her head). Not to find…

Nyura (nodding, shaking his head). Not to find…

Vedana (nodding, shaking his head). Not to find…

everything. The topics for discussion are exhausted. Friends are eagerly looking for at least some reason to discuss something with their eyes. For their luck, Yulka passes by. A young girl is a neighbor. He carries a bag of garbage in his hand. Dressed provocatively, brightly, as befits young beautiful ambitious girls.

Yulka is nervously talking on the phone, does not notice the old ladies sitting on the bench in the confusion.

Yulka (into the phone, nervously). Excuse me? Excuse me? I hear your "sorry" all the time. You know! I'm sick of it. Let's tie up this whole kitchen. I don't want any more of your apologies, or "otkoryak." That's it. Into the furnace. They turned the page and forgot. While. (Continues, after a short pause, also into the phone, nervously). You did not understand. That's it! Finish! There will be no more meetings. Don't call. Yes, I thought well. Come on, everyone.

Julia leaves. The old girlfriends follow her with boring glances!

Nyura (with a tease). Yulka, out of the second entrance, has completely dissolved. He turns men around as he wants.

Agnes (assenting, shaking her head reproachfully). Ay, they're all like that. Young libertines. They will squeeze the boy to the last penny and take a fresh one into circulation. Fools are good, enough.

Vedana (assenting, shaking her head reproachfully). Yeah, the girl got screwed up. And I remember rocking her once in my arms when she was very young. She was so pretty. I thought a man would come out of it. And now what? (He spits defiantly). Ugh!

The old ladies inhale and exhale disapprovingly at once.

Vedana (with condemnation). A parasite!

Nyura (with condemnation). Drug addict!

Agnes (with condemnation). A prostitute!

Vedana (with condemnation). Ugh!

Nyura (with condemnation). Ugh!

Agnes (with condemnation). Ugh!

Yulia returns already without a garbage bag. Puts the phone in his pocket, notices the old ladies. Kindly, quite sincerely smiles at them.

Yulka (politely, smiling at the old ladies). Hello!

Agnes, Vedana, Nyura (politely, good-naturedly, in chorus). Hello there!

Agnes (touching). She has become so big, and what a beauty!

Vedana (touching). The mother's assistant is faithful! The hostess. Such a nice little girl turned out, so nice!

Nyura (touching). Yulechka, I'm looking at you right now. Vona is so pretty. And polite, and smart. I guess there's no end of grooms, huh?

Yulka (politely, smiling). Nothing, Bab Nur, I'm fighting back. So far it's working.

Nyura (touching). Well and good. Tell your mother hello from me. Health to her, the most important thing.

Yulka (politely, smiling). I'll tell you!

Yulka leaves warmly smiling and nodding goodbye to the old ladies.

The old girlfriends accompany the girl with warm glances, then look away who where. They don't look at each other.

Nyura saves the situation.

Nyura (with intrigue). And so. About the birthday.

Agnes (with interest). Yeah, yeah?

Vedana (with interest). Taak?

Nyura (with intrigue). I came up with a congratulatory song for myself here. Relevant. For his birthday.

Agnes (with interest). Oh, interesting.

Vedana (with interest). Ah-well? Sbatsay?

Nyura (with intrigue). I strictly ask you not to judge, but listen, in general!

Friends are all in the spotlight.

Nyura (singing in her squeaky voice). With the birthday of meeeenya, with the birthday of meeeenya, with the birthday of meeeenya (sighs heavily, doomed) what do you do… Happy birthday to meeyayayayay!

The old girlfriends nod their heads knowingly.

Agnes (with understanding). Yes, it can't be helped. I would have stopped my biological clock forty years ago if I could. Then nothing hurt, everything was seen in bright colors, and in general I wanted to live! I was breathing deeply. And now there are only memories of a full chest, and of breathing (he takes out an asthmatic canister, squirts into his mouth, inhales) his own uninterrupted, too…

Vedana (with nostalgia). But I remember how I frolicked with men. Oh, what are you… Only the slippers were wrapped. I grew up early. At the age of twelve, I already found out whose cones are in the forest. By the time I was fourteen, I had tasted it. And then I don't remember how thirty years passed… Like a day! But it's a busy day…

Agnes (positively, to her friends). Speaking of men! Are you aware that we have a new guest here? A man! Well, like a man… Was once a man. Just like we were girls. Today is a grandfather, but a concrete grandfather! Yeah. Lonely, according to the rumors. Fifty-five or sixty years old by the look of it, but actually he is already over seventy.

Friends are interested, enlivened.

Nyura (with interest, remembering). And I heard something like that. Praskovya from the next house told me. The old devil, but look. Jogging in the morning! Drinks only water, mostly hot.

Vedana (remembering). So I also heard about him from Kondratyevna. Is he a vegetarian or something. And by the look of it, it seems like the truth, this devil is not so old. Adheres to the views of Chinese medicine, does not turn to doctors, almost does not take pills.

Nyura (indignantly). Is he a parasite, does he want to live to be a hundred years old?

Methodius' voice (cheerful, charged, loud). And why not?

Friends turn to the voice at once!

An intriguing musical composition sounds.

A cheerful, fresh-faced Methodius enters. Real lively for his age. And he doesn't look so much young as young at Heart. This can be read both in the look, and in the mood, and in the charming smile, which old girlfriends have not been able to boast of for many years.

Methodius defiles, knowing that the eyes from all sides are riveted on him and he likes it. Makes some spectacular passes, stops in front of the friends sitting on the bench.

Methodius (with a sly smile, to the old ladies, fervently). Good afternoon, dolls!

Vedana (with interest). Well, hello.

Nyura (with interest). Hello.

Agnes (with interest). And good health to you.

Methodius (with a sly smile, to the old ladies). And what, girls, is there a place for a real kid among such beauties?

The grandmothers are embarrassed, they are bursting, they smooth their hair. Each seeks to move closer so that he sits next to her.

The old man with a comically blunted gait in a few steps, "squirming" and making faces, sincerely enjoying all this, theatrically sits down on the chosen place between Nyura and Vedana.

There is an awkward pause, everyone is thinking where to start a conversation.

Methodius (loudly, unexpectedly, so that the grannies shudder). Yes! (The old ladies shudder). I didn't introduce myself! (Parading Carlson). Come on, let's get married. They call me Methodius. Well, and you, the charmers?

Friends are embarrassed, flirtatious.

Vedana (with a sly smile). I am Vedana!

Methodius (politely, kindly). It's very nice.

Nyura (in a simple way). I'm Nyura.

Methodius (politely, kindly). Let's get acquainted.

Agnes (gently waving her pen). And I'm Agnes!

Methodius (politely, kindly). I am heartily glad!

Nyura (feigning indignation, Methodius). So! (Indignantly slaps himself on the knee.) Just appeared, and you are already bringing disunity into our friendly ranks!

Methodius (with cautious interest). What am I?

Nyura (played indignantly, Methodius). Who else?

Methodius (with cautious interest, feigned). What have I done to you, O beautiful one?

Nyura (played indignantly, Methodius). Well, how? So, it was very nice to meet Vedana! You see, you are heartily glad to Agnes! And he just answered me – let's get acquainted. What are you, a tattered lovelace, aren't you glad to see me?

Methodius (with a cautious attack). How can I not be glad? Where did I sit down?

Nyura (played indignantly, Methodius). Where to?

Methodius (with a cautious attack). Take off your charming eyes, and take a closer look. If I wasn't happy, I wouldn't be sitting next to you. And if I sat down, then I'm glad!

Vedana (with a joyful sly smile). It turns out I'm glad too!

Agnes (feigning sadness). And it turns out I'm not happy?

Methodius (twisting out, to Agnes). Im (Pointing to Nyura and Vedana.) I'm just glad! And you, gorgeous, I'm glad to heartily! (Sighs.) Fuf …

friends, generally satisfied with the answer, nod with understanding.

Methodius got out of it. He is pleased with himself, glances furtively at one, then at another, then at a third passion. Babonki are embarrassed. They look away. Grandfather, the prankster is still that. Winks, plays along with facial expressions, which further embarrasses her friends.

Nyura can't stand it, her rebellious nature rushes into battle again.

Nyura (indignantly, to Methodius). So! Stop shooting eyes here. Better tell me, dear man, why did you fall on our heads like that. You haven't been here before, have you?

Methodius (complacently). It wasn't, that's right. Now, therefore, there is!

Vedana (insistently, to Methodius). Uh, you don't shirk the topic! From where did you come to us, sokolik? Please give an exhaustive explanation, in all its form! Strictly speaking, so to speak!

Agnes (nodding to her friend).

Methodius glares at the grannies, rises with a sly smile, stands at attention, reports.

Methodius (reports). Kondratyukov Methodius Pankratievich. A native of the Saratov region, but for a long time already in fact a man of the world. I have visited many places, lived many places, changed many professions. Now the official status is retired. I won't tell you the year of birth!

She shows her tongue to her listening friends, teases!

Nyura (snorts in disappointment). Phew… So what did you just say?

Methodius (sitting down in his usual place). Of course I understand. The bowler hat, ugh, ugh (knocks on his head so as not to jinx it) is working.

Vedana (with a tease, Methodius). Is it working? Exactly?

Methodius (positively, confidently, Vedane). Do not hesitate, precious! And the kettle is whistling, and there is still gunpowder in the powder flasks, and in general I am still very much in general!

Agnes (looking skeptically at her friends). My mom used to say: God did not give a cheerful cow horns! (Withstands a tactful pause, averts an unconstrained gaze). I remembered something.

The friends smile softly, turn away. Grandfather also understands what it's about.

Methodius (thoughtfully, with a philosophical bias). No, actually, it's not that, (Grandfather thinks). But… to some extent… However ....

Methodius abruptly changes the subject.

Methodius (positively, cheerfully). So, well! It would not be a sin to bite for acquaintance, so that's the problem… I don't drink. What are we going to do, chickens?

Nyura (with a dig). Who has a bowler hat whistling here? He called himself a gruzd, and think for yourself…, cockerel!

Friends giggle.

Methodius (skeptically, understanding sarcasm). A… ha…

Agnes (Methodius). And, by the way, it's Nyura's birthday today!

Methodius (admiringly). What are you? Yeshki – matryoshka dolls, and you were silent? Well, that's it!

Methodius gets up from his seat.

Methodius (cheerfully, resolutely). Sit here, don't go anywhere, I'm coming soon!

Methodius leaves, leaving his friends in mixed feelings.

Vedana (with interest). Where is he going?

Agnes (skeptically, glancing at her friends, then after the departed Methodius). It is known where.

Nyura (with interest, to Agnes). And what is known there? Where do you think this pompous turkey has gone?

Agnes (skeptically, to her friends). Somewhere… Far away! Here after all… it smells like gifts. Well, or at least some congratulations, at least. And men are men. What to take from them? Though young, though worn… All in one duda. Just to get rid of responsibility, but from any difficulties.

Vedana (with interest, to Agnes). Do you seriously think that he left, just not to congratulate and not to give anything?

Agnes (convincingly). No, in fact, he, of course, left just to buy something for our Nyurochka's birthday and congratulate her. Well… at least that's how he'll explain it later. But unforeseen circumstances will arise, as a result of which you will have to go somewhere urgently, run, save… In general, they all have the same song. So in fact – yes! Running away to get away from this conversation, and from the others, too. Men don't like to talk much, for the most part. How, what they learned, they exchanged short phrases and ran on. Which, in fact, happened.

Nyura (doubtful). I don't know. I, in fact, did not ask him for anything, and I did not particularly count on congratulations, even verbal ones. For me, they are what they are, what they are not. But anyway. Gone, and thank God. He's kind of muddy, girls. See how it doesn't work out. You have to keep your ears open with this!

Agnes (Nyure). And what can come out of it?

Nyura ambiguously shrugs her shoulders. Evades the answer.

Vedana (abruptly changes the subject). Okay, stop! (He turns to Agnes, busily). So you're 100% sure right now that the old bastard won't come back?

Agnes (Vedane). Don't I know men! Sure. Look for fistulas. Screwed up and with the end.

Vedana (to Agnes). And I, for some reason, am sure that it is not the end!

Agnes (Vedane). And I'm sure that with the end!

Nyura (smoothing out the corners to her friends). Don't argue about the end… (Corrects himself). Uh.... Because of this pretzel. Well, he left and left. That's it! Forgot!

Vedana (Nyure). I remember.

Agnes (Nyure). Me too.

Vedana (to Agnes, fervently). Let's bet!

Agnes (to Vedane, fervently). Let's! What are we going to argue about?

Vedana, without thinking twice, whispers her proposal in her friend's ear. Agnes, having listened, looks at Vedana in surprise.

Agnes (to Vedane, amazed). What? Childhood started playing in one place? Couldn't you think of anything smarter?

Vedana (to Agnes, fervently). And I wanted something! What? Are you afraid of losing?

Agnes (Vedane, sure). Not at all. I'm afraid I won't be able to realize the winnings. I argued about such things for the last time fifty years ago, or even more.

Nyura (with interest, to her friends). Girls, what are you talking about? What have you decided, chuchundra?

Agnes and Vedana turn sly glances at Nyura. They keep quiet. Then they meet each other's eyes, shake hands with each other, assuring the dispute with this gesture and answer Nyura in chorus, again transferring playful glances to her.

Agnes, Vedana (Nyure). You'll find out!

Nyura (with displeasure). Oh, naaado same. Too much for me, the secret of the century. (Changes the subject and mood to a more positive one). Okay. Let's sing something?

Vedana (to Nyura, looking around cautiously). Is it here?

Nyura (uncertainly). And what?

Agnes (to Nyure, cautiously). Really, Nyur? Tea is not at the table. People are walking around here. Not everyone will appreciate our signature trio. Let's sit down in the evening somehow, we'll stretch the ligaments (gestures acceptance of alcohol, clicks his finger on the throat), it's not a sin to sing there.

Nyura (calmly). Yes, I am something, really. So… for some reason, I wanted to abruptly. I don't understand why all of a sudden.

…

Friends change their position. The light is getting a little weaker. We beat the passage of time. Three hours pass. Friends are still on the bench. Already tired, they are going to go home.

Agnes (to Vedane, with a sly face). Midnight is approaching, and Herman is still not there?

Vedana (puzzled). Yeees… Looks like your friend took it. The winnings are rightfully on your side!

An intriguing incendiary musical theme sounds!

Friends together turn their heads to one side, open their mouths in admiration and surprise.

An intriguing pause.

Methodius enters, takes a couple of steps, stops. Lets you evaluate yourself. Dressed to the nines. With a charming smile, he looks at three friends, his eyes are burning. Holding a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates.

The musical accompaniment subsides, ends.

Agnes (surprised). Baaa..

Methodius (cheerfully, to everyone). I'm sorry, dear ones, that I made myself wait so long. Unforeseen circumstances have arisen!

Agnes (edifying, Vedane). Here!

Methodius (cheerfully, to everyone). But I tried to solve all the questions as quickly as possible, and here I am! I raced at full speed, fearing that you would not wait.

Vedana (to Methodius joyfully, glancing victoriously at Agnes in snatches). How could we not wait for such a man, well, really. Here we are all here. We are waiting, missing, hoping for a meeting.