# Unspoken words

Vitalina Wasilewski

Have you ever felt yourself lost, completely lost in the walls of your apartment, in the streets of your town where you have lived all your conscious life, in the whole universe? I have, now I am lying on the floor with empty bottles around me as I strangled all the content out of them. The walls of my apartment are so cold and lifeless that I wish I could escape from here, the ambience is suppressing. I hate this place it is striking in me total desperation, unworthiness to life and the longing to erase myself from the face of this planet.

I am alone. I have the people I love in my life but the only one person who would be able to revive me now and he is no longer in my life. He was my remedy for everything. My placebo to every problem. How will I get the hell out of it? We will see together, my dear reader.

The story which has shaken my world and maybe it will shake yours, you'll never know.

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Prolog


Have you ever felt yourself lost, completely lost in the walls of your apartment, in the streets of your town where you have lived all your conscious life, in the whole universe? I have, now I am lying on the floor with empty bottles around me as I strangled all the content out of them, some kind of pills as I believe they could burn down all the damage I have done to my body and empty boxes of pizza and some packages of food, it is my method to kill any human emotions about regret, sadness and self-blame at least for couple of hours. The walls of my apartment are so cold and lifeless that I wish I could escape from here, the ambience is suppressing. I hate this place it is striking in me total desperation, unworthiness to life and the longing to erase myself from the face of this planet. I foster abhorrence to every corner of this lodging. Only yesterday I was over the moon, the whole idea of moving here brought me excitement and a particular feeling. And what about now? I wish I had never moved, I wish I had never made a deal about this flat. However, I can’t move back, there is no step back as the decision had been made and its reverse would denote disaster. I am alone, I mean not alone on daily basis. I have parents, a brother, a cat by my side, but loneliness is inside. It is like being on the deserted island with people around you who don’t notice you, who are similar to each other that is creepy. Sometimes we don’t need the hell big amount of people around us in order to feel secure, safe and being at the right place. Few human beings are able to change your life and all about it in one day, in one hour. But I have only one who is able to revive me, the thing is he isn’t here anymore. Sometimes we only need the very one human being who we wish to watch every day without a cessation whose presence makes everything to be right. In my decadent and confused world this person was a remedy to heal, a placebo to take every day without recommended dose, a drug which in the end causes consequences. That will be my story about, which consequences attachments implicate. The story which has shaken my world and maybe it will shake yours, you never know.


Chapter 1

That day I was completely worn out like any other days though. My current job was innervating me to death. Day by day I had the same routine waking up early in the morning and finishing working at ungodly hour for the salary I couldn’t even afford a pair of new pants. In my thoughts I was quitting it every single day but the following morning I turned back there again.

I put on weight, my health was in a mess and the purpose of life had gone away with the summer breeze long ago. The only thing which was driven me to existence was to be independent from my mum I meant in the independence of not taking money from her and my severely ill friend who I happened to substitute, I couldn’t abandon people without support who mean a lot to me, so I grinned and bore it.

Anyway let’s get back to that actual day, the day that didn’t forebode anything. Actually, nothing particular happened but later than I realized that it was a harbinger of my complete change.

I had to fill in again, so there were two boys’ names written in my timetable and I was thinking: “So, okay, what are you going to do with two children? What might they know? What level could they have?” With those contemplations going on I was climbing the stairs when I suddenly saw those “children” who turned out to be 19 years old. For a second I was frustrated as I hadn’t anticipated at all such grown up kids, then I pull myself together and said – whatever.

I noticed immediately the arrogant looks on their faces and the scent of coolness, they spread out of themselves. Their looks were alike hipsters. One was wearing a shirt and jeans with a vans bag and tattooed, the other one had a simpler look but still there was something in his eyes which questioned everything.

I was also offered to keep those guys for myself as it was their first lesson and they had no idea who Alice was, so I didn’t mind and asked them if they were okay with it. They looked puzzled but agreed in a heartbeat due to my abilities to hold the lesson engaging and absorbing. Moreover, I usually got on well with my students. So I asked them to call me just by name and stay away from all these formalities (the thing I actually do with any new student who is closer to my age) and add me on Facebook in case I need to provide them with additional information. Generally, I used this scheme with all my teenager and adult students as I reckon that as long as you are a friend to them, they are friendly in your regards and the learning process is much easier and funnier in that way. Otherwise you are doomed to be hated or represent total indifference to your personality.

“So, okay guys, we’ve finished for today. If you have any questions or anything else to ask, I am always there for you or you can call me, whatever you want, I am willing to help all the time.” I said.


“Okayyyy”. was the answer and I could clearly see their bewildered faces and started thinking how the idea was wrong to offer them such ways of reaching me outside the classroom hours on the very first day but I didn’t care much as you remember I didn’t give a shit in the world about most of the things that time.

They ushered from the room thanking me for the lesson and telling their goodbyes while I was comprised by irksome thoughts:

“I am sure they will go to Alice immediately when she comes back to her working schedule again, I wasn’t convincing at all and this stupid proposal about adding me on Facebook, they are 19, who wants to have a teacher among his friends at this age! It is embarrassing”.

Then my thoughts reversed to the unnoticeable fact of how handsome they both were. However, I was trying to suppress those dreary thoughts. I knew where such cogitations led me – to a dreamy possibility of being in a relationship with one of them. It was out of question as the last experience of being in a romantic encounter with a student had shown nothing but the waste of time. Still, I was all about to describe my first impression of those guys.

Both of them I saw as arrogant types who knew what they wanted from life, living it to the max and didn’t care what on earth was happening with others, those hipsters types, pejorative and pretentious but at the same time with a complex worldview and value of system in their eyes.

One of them had black pitch hair and the same eyes colour. He wasn’t bulky but possessed some muscles which made him look more masculine in the comparison to his friend. He was wearing a dark blue sweater and jeans, nothing extra particular but still in the latest fashion. He had an enchanting smile and something deceptive in his facial features but it didn’t push you away from him but quite the opposite it appealed you in every way. At the same time I saw a ubiquitously simple boy in him under his mask of steadfastness. Actually, later it turned out to be the truth.

The second one was the strange type you might see on the internet, kind of a tumbler boy, so mysterious, so innocent, so mesmerizing you became weak at the knees. He smelled as tangerines on New Year’s eve. Could you imagine a person who would possibly have a scent of a fruit in a way not even spreading it, you smelled it on your subconscious level of perception. His uneven face was so perfectly sculptured with flawless pale skin which brought you the sensation of early autumn, when the sun shines but doesn’t bring the warm anymore, when the leaves are already yellow with scarlet pimples spread around but not wrinkled yet. The stage when rain sprinkles into your face with pleasant fatigue and recklessness. Every his movement was delicate and subtle but at the same time feverish with harsh squish as though you were facing an angel with devilish inclinations. He didn’t look at you or stared he glared in a way he wanted to show that he was capturing everything at his sight. So, when you looked at him, you did not experience butterflies in your stomach, there were tarantulas that were scraping inside you trying to find a way out but without a mere range of success. Did you know that the most species of tarantulas were brown? So, was he. He had a brownish walnut hair colour, as had been mine before I used too much hydrogen peroxide on it and I guessed the chemicals didn’t only have impact on my hair but on my brains as well. Looking at his hair immediately induced the desire to stroke it until the end of this world. Its waviness made you all your demons went out and officiated macabre activities.

His name didn’t summon for something unusual or clamorously famous, it was a typical name you could hear in everyday situations but for me it was ephemerical, something beyond common use, I was enchanted by it so hard that each time I looked at the list of absence in order to spell it correctly, in order to glance at it and feel the vibrations coming out of it. I longed for saying this name every day, in each situation I could. My heart was pounding like mad when I said it again and again. You might think that I was off my rocker. In reality, yes, I was, as you didn’t meet something extraterrestrial in your boring routine life every now and then.

However, he wasn’t my type at all, such subtle in the appearance boys need the same types of girls, which I was not even closer to it. Furthermore, I was into muscled boys who had some interest in keeping themselves fit, not those anorexic-model like ones. Besides my “not giving a fuck to anything in this world state” didn’t leave me at all. Coming back home I declined any thought I could have on the subject of these two boys. Plus my stepfather’s alcohol addiction always got me back to reality. In a short, he had hardships which he poured into vodka or something else in order to release stress but this “remedy” quickly took him into its possession and all his aggression and view of world unjustness to him reflected on me, mum and then on my younger brother, a.k.a. his son.

When I was a child first years of our mutual habitation made me believe that he was going to change, that he would become the man my mother had loved once and he did some steps towards his rehabilitation. But nothing apprised improvement, he was getting worse with each event happening in his life that the drinking became a weekly habit. I regarded him as abominable stuff, I branded him as the most perfidious person in my life who I was not actually afraid of wishing to die to, I desired for his complete dismay, failure in everything he was doing and most importantly my mum leaving him for good. Every time they had arguments, the threats of divorcement jumped out of the box, they were so juicy for me, that I used to gloat such moments and rewind them in my head every single moment I had in possession.

Anyway no expectations of mine came to the reality. Most of the times I just wished either were dead or had escaped there where I could have been truly happy and my mum wouldn’t have got all these torment moments of life with only short interludes of happiness, she didn’t deserve it. But what could a ten year old child do? When she herself desired to be protected, contriving the impossible ways out in her head and trying to imagine that one day a person would come and save her from the hardiness of life. That was how I started to develop a habit of seeing the only solution in other people, it was how my attachment to other human beings began to form.

If we dig deep down, my exigency of other people being around me was unbearable. I always wanted to have a special male friend who in the moments of difficulty would have come and listened to me, comforted me and tell the words and would like to hear or just hug me and all the pain would have subsided, all the fears would have gone. I was particularly interested in a male friend as I didn’t have one, well, one time I had one but I happened not to notice him, typical of me. Plus, being a girl I guess I wanted to feel a kind of protection which only a male could give. Only at the age of 22 years I comprehended that I didn’t actually need that special friend, but we will return to that later.

I had two classmates who were incredibly thick as thieves; I hit it off with them as well. However I never shared my story of alcoholic abuse at the family to somebody. It was stifling my breath, constricting my throat and strangling out the ability of speaking to anyone about that matter, as I clearly understood how judgmental people were, what they were going to think about me and stuff, I would be riddled and ashamed. So, I just hung out with the guys enjoying their company and loving the feeling of happiness I got each time I turned out to be with them.

One day it was so cold that your face could easily cover with chilblains and even in the warmest boots you could perceive the torture of frosts that it was quite a task to throw your feet into those boots as in the street your feet went numb and toes became swelled and raw. The school was cancelled that day because of those frosts but grabbing all my courage and the willingness of not getting bored I went to one of this boy’s house. I lived 4 kilometers from him, so I had to overcome a passage through the woods, as usually I had to surmount in order to come to school but that time I didn’t even notice the distance. This boy was fond of cooking, so you would always find any kind of treats at his kitchen. His name was Marcus, by the way. To my surprise when I finally reached my destination the other boy – Ben was also there, and the fun got started.

“Hello Michaela!”, they said.


“Hello guys, how is it going?”,was my response.


“Pretty good, we are brewing tea. Would you like some?”, Marcus asked.


“Sure and those cookies as well.”, I never hesitated to ask food.

But before drinking tea, Marcus offered us to eat mash potatoes that he had cooked before our arrival, and they were particularly delicious, I didn’t know how a 12 year old could be such a talented cooker. I couldn’t recollect what we were conversing about while we were eating, but one fragment I remembered precisely.

“You know what, yesterday my neighbors were singing karaoke, so the whole evening I was listening to a song about felt boots.”, I said.


“About felt boooots, ahahhahahahaha.” Ben couldn’t help laughing. “Felt boots, no way.” His tea started to come out through his nose as he wasn’t able to control his laughing fit. He was even constricted to put off his brackets. That time if you had brackets you were automatically considered to be uncool, but I found a beauty in them and wished for ones but the Mother Nature gifted me with a good teeth shape. I don’t know why but this meaningless conversation fixed in my mind so tight that I am still allured by it.


“I will show you my secret den” said Marcus, and we followed him to his room.

“This is it, basically, you removed the bottom of the sofa and lean it a bit to the wall, so that you have the space to get in there, here I tell all my secrets and preserve the important information but you are the first who I shared it with as you are my friends.” he continued.


“Wow, that’s cool.” Ben and I gasped as we were climbing there.

Later, the drunken tea reminded of itself, so I needed to use a secret chamber, obviously boys prevented me to use it properly by saying childish comments so I ended up finishing the process at my home.

After this encounter, I had to pack my bags and got to a sanatorium to cure some of my chronic diseases but before I went, Marcus‘d given me a valentine’s card beforehand as I was to spend this holiday there. However, the hebdomadal interest of my condition evoked Ben, he wrote me continuously even though it was not that cheap at that time as the mobile phones had only started to spread among youngsters but he did it anyway. I was blind enough to evaluate it because I was charmed by another guy at the sanatorium who didn’t give me even a hint that he might like me. As it happens in life we like someone who doesn’t like us, and somebody who likes us, we don’t like. Eventually, Ben started to despise me and our relationship was of two guys who liked sarcasm and that was how it ended when we finished school.

As for Marcus, he entered a military establishment after the 8th form, changed beyond recognition and we terminated any possible interaction between us. Despite this I am still of good views on both of the guys, it doesn’t matter what was between us they are the people who brought the happiness into my life at some point even if I happened not to notice it from time to time. I respect everyone who entered into my life and left his footprints.

Chapter 2


Next lesson was on Thursday, I hadn’t thought much about these guys in the previous days. However, one of them added me on the Facebook, the other didn’t, so all the necessary information I needed to transmit them I did by the means of this very boy. I started contemplating why the other boy hadn’t added me but then I came to conclusion that he was that arrogant dandy type who had a constricted circle of friends.

I had some doubts on the count that he didn’t like me as a teacher or a person but even if it was true, who the fuck cared for it, nobody. They were potential young men who I saw the great material to work with. I knew that if they kept doing and not giving up in the process, they would go far. So, I started to pay even more attention towards them. I was channeled myself into the struggle to reach the best possible outcome of it. I guessed they felt it and were enjoying the process. Out of blue, one day I saw a friend request and thinking what a twat could have sent it to me to my surprise I found out it was him, the autumn boy. Later I attested my perception about that he was an autumn boy indeed as he was born in November as I was, coincidence? Was it? More I looked at him I saw how the hardships of winter time melted under the cold breeze of gloomy weather in the late fall. You could say that I am talking nonsense as winter comes after the autumn but not in the reverse order, but it was my outlook and I never come to ubiquitous conformities. The frost of winter had ceased in his eyes and the winds of lightning nights with showers were boiling there with the calmness and steady adjustment. Any pain you might feel went immediately when you just felt his presence around, all the hurt subsided under the gentle breathings of his voice timbre, the soul winds of uncertainty ameliorated. The blood in your veins pulsed with frenzy cutting air of freezing mornings. He roused turbid and torrent feeling inside your skin which summoned a bunch of goose bumps as though you were walking in evening along the turbulent seaside in a stormy weather.

Anyway, when I saw his icon on my screen I sensed the whirl of various emotions. First it was “What do you want from me? Why have you done it?” then it streamed into the beck of malicious joy like “If you combine wine and dinner the new word is winner”. The sensation inside me was the same, but then it melted away as I submerged myself in the daily routine of my doom.

I actually loved my job, teaching languages and being an interpreter was something I could have never imagined in the wildest dreams. As being a little girl I wanted to be a dentist because I hated them so was willing to do their job in order to make people feel pain for the sufferings I had been experiencing. Don’t judge me, I was 4 and I am a Scorpio so was particularly selfish in the childhood. Then I wanted to be a surgeon when I was knocked down by a car, so that I could help people in difficult situations, so, see? I was not that bad. And as any girl in this world (well, the majority of girls) I would like to be an actress or a singer especially when my uncle before he died had told my mum that I had a talent to be a singer. He was a musician so he had all credentials to be believed. He was right indeed as I even attended a musical school where I was also said to have a great voice but under some circumstance I had to quit the idea of being a singer. The mission of devastation was fulfilled at that time, I had an accident after which I had difficulties with my voice pitching. It was concussion with nerves hurtled inside my head. Basically there was a hole inside it as I fell over an enormous stone, blood covered very subtle particle of the ground and my body. I was soaking like mad creek in the early spring, streaming down the hills. I was unable to feel my face it was just numb. I had two more years to live in that way, then after the numbness started to subside. The virulence of the situation was high but I put myself together and continued to live that life and enjoying the happy moments. Getting back to the main subject I dreamt to be anything but not what I was doing then, I had graduated even with a degree not even close to my current occupation.

I had always thought that everything I did was insignificant no matter that I had marvelous childhood with its ups and downs when your mum scraped last coins only to satisfy the basic urges of a 8 year old organism and working for ungodly hours every day to make both ends met, but I wouldn’t dare to complain. I had the means of an excellent education, desire to excel in all subjects but was not smart enough for it. As some of them were beyond my understanding. Well, we aren’t designed to comprehend any matter in this life. Somebody is good at Maths, somebody is good at literature, and somebody was born to fulfill a function of being a mother, somebody to go to the Moon. I was designed to procrastinate mostly rather than to study well even though I graduated from school with not the worst grades.

My job pours some sense to my existence making me believe that I am actually in position to bring the use to this world by giving the knowledge I have in possession and helping others. I remain an intimate with each student as they give me courage, compassion, comfort, share their private thoughts, trust me secrets as though I weren’t a teacher at all, so I really hold dear each of them as it is the hardest part sometimes in life even to be just on well with you trainer left alone to be friends. I bear every day in mind to its value and importance. From time to times I even end up with thoughts that my students are my fortress from feeling suppressed as I did most of the times. Their friendship is my continual solace.

When I accepted the friend request from Haim I did it probably with the hope to become a part of his life as well. By the way, his name derived from Hebrew. People with this name are usually capable, charismatic leaders who undertake large endeavors with great success. They value truth, justice, discipline and maybe quick tempered with those who do not. They would rather focus on large, important issues, and delegate details. He actually fell under this description, so maybe our names define us more than we think.

A name sticks with us from birth until death and although we often have no control over it, our names define us. We can all thank our parents for our names. Oh, I still didn’t introduce myself. My name is Michaela, my name was Hebrew as well. People with this name are excellent at analyzing, understanding, and learning. They tend to be mystics, philosophers, scholars, and teachers. Because they live so much in the mind, they tend to be quiet and introspective, and are usually introverts. When presented with issues, they will see the larger picture. Their solitary thoughtfulness and analysis of people and world events may make them seem aloof, and sometimes even melancholy. Truthfully, it sounds so like me.

Our first conversations with Haim regarded mostly of English and its rules but with each chat we started to go further rather than the English discussions without much notice.

“You know, it is not my first time trying to learn English. Before I was obliged to learn it but now I have my own will to master it.”, he told me one day.


“That’s why you didn’t learn it for the first time, as a small percentage of people has success with language when they are put under the pressure by somebody else and this is the worst tactic parents can do for their offspring. The Mozart method is no longer relevant in this case as the children are going to abominate the subject to the rest of their lives. The majority of children also detest English because at schools teachers do not pay much attention to children’s progress, they are just hurry to finish the program they are required to execute. Nobody is interested in coming up with some extraordinary ideas and show that the educational process could actually be a real fun.” My responses had always been of the skyscraper ones.


“Sure, especially when you attend courses with your best friend and you have a terrific teacher. When we went for the first time we had thoughts that it would be a wicked old lady like at university with lots of homework and with everything in that context.”, he replied.

I was melting just reading it. The stir of emotions avalanched me, the sentiment of not being worthless covered me into its warmness. So this was my response:

“Ahahahaahah, that’s why I am the only one teacher who doesn’t hold much truck with system of seniority, as I want to create ambience far from school one that students come with willingness but not like to the drudgery. You are either his friend or a number one enemy.”


“That’s it! This is the reason why we always attend classes with the real pleasure. And Adam says that one hour, it is not enough, he says that he has just got into stride when the lesson has already finished”, he continued.

That was really sweet of him to say this so I decided that I could offer them to practice more at my break time as it was not hard for me and it would be really beneficial for their progress. Moreover, it would be free of charge as if I see the real volition in people to excel at my subject.

Surely they weren’t against it and very grateful for this.

Then I decided to proceed with our conversation and made a step towards personal information. So I asked:

“Why did you choose to study stomatology, is it your choice or you were told to do it?”

To my surprise his reply was quite long which I hadn’t anticipated at all.

“You know, when your family is a dynasty of seamen, start from sailors finishing with captains on subconscious level you realize that everyone is expecting you to do the same thing. And when your father is away for 2,4,6 months from home, this is not very cool. So, I thought why didn’t try to follow my mother’s steps and become a doctor. It was not reasonable enough to become a therapist so my mum advised me to apply for stomatology. I wasn’t against, I thought it would be interesting until I started to study biology and chemistry in high school. But there was no way back. However, I had never had something like: You are going there, you will be living there and something like that. I passed the state exam, “Mum, dad, there is a university in Krag, I am going there”. I packed my things, took documents and flied there.”

I was glad to hear that it was his choice, as for me my study at university was kind of a servitude action. I wanted to finish high school but my mum had another opinion and some of the teachers had whispered her that it would be better for me to have two educations rather than accomplishing high school. My desire was completely mortified when I failed Math exam in order to enter Pedagogical College to be a primary teacher. To be honest, I had done it on purpose as I longed for being an interpreter not a teacher but there were no programs after secondary school. Eventually, my mum said to me that I was going to enter a college where my cousin used to study promising me that along with it I would also take up language courses, I bought it, for good or for worse. I studied management, economics and accountancy, doing my best at it but having no enthusiasm at all. During lessons I was thinking about my evening language classes and that brought me joy. In fact it was my place of refuge from the problems I was facing during college time. I wasn’t quite popular at first year of college. I did my best at learning process and extracurricular activities but my group mates were vicious with me. I was a Christian, vulnerable girl with big pink spectacles who believed in good and tried to create the same atmosphere around myself. However this produced a result of public ridicule and ever-lasting bullying by boys and girls who were of other kind. I didn’t understand why they were behaving like this, as deep inside they were great chaps I could see it, but that didn’t change their attitude towards me. Probably, they had some insecurities and problems of their own which they put on me in that form to deal with their stuff. That time I wished eagerly for revenge of any kind. I wanted everyone of them to feel the pain I felt when I cried myself out to sleep because of their actions. Would I be revengeful with them now? No, not at all. Firstly, because they had to put up with other hardships in their lives, secondly, I learnt valuable lessons and it made me stronger and turned into a person who I am now. I can even tell them thank you. The best revenge is your success and self-respect and self-love which you can give to others as well. Negativity towards others destroys us. Anyway let’s comeback to the things we have now. I was surprised that Haim had chosen Krag to study in. Our town was impregnated with supermarkets running by big heads who were always in a continual rat race between each other in order to demonstrate who was richer and more powerful. No wonder that both of them were also integrated in the world of politics, playing deputes and goodwill ambassadors. Most of the factories weren’t working as it wouldn’t bring much profits to those high circles of society, even though the local production would be beneficial for common people of our town, but whom we were needed to. To nobody. There were many churches to show how religiously minded our town was. Indeed the majority of the population visited those sacred places but when you saw those God orientated members in real life most of the times you wanted to puke or become an atheist. As for me I believed in high powers without affiliating myself with any religion. But we will get back later to this discussion, my dear reader. So, I wondered how he might like Krag.

Haim told his story. He landed, took a taxi from the airport (there is only one airport in the whole city) and while he was going he was shocked by the view as the place where he lived was sunny, with mountains, seaside, beautiful architecture and here all gloomy with nothing to fancy around and he was realizing that was where he was doomed to spend next 7 years of his life. And for two 2 years he was looking forward when he would come back home. Nevertheless when he came back home he asked to himself: “What am I actually doing here? Everything has changed” so since then Krag has become his hometown by choice.

“Reframing happened, perhaps you have grown and people who are around you now are giving you the feeling of being at home the place where you are meant to be. As for me I had the only place where I could feel myself like home. But it closed for me for good regarding my old age. It is clinical hospital for children where I spent a good half of my childhood. Normal people say that I am all out of sorts but it is not of their business. I love this place, I didn’t even execute the right to go home at weekends, even we were allowed to do so. We were allowed to walk there, we had entertainment programs, we had school there but then I grew up.”, that was my response.


“It doesn’t matter what the place is, what matters is what you feel being there. Where did you study?” he seemed to be interested in our conversation as he made an effort to proceed with it.


“Institute of management, economics and business, specialty: public and municipal administration.”


“But we thought it was foreign languages field.”, he said.

I explained him that the majority of people thought like that when they met me for the first time, especially when all your colleges graduated from language orientated universities.

I told him the story about my mother’s choice and my small structure of thinking at 15. About how I graduated from secondary school and that after finishing college I wasn’t capable enough to pass some school subjects in order to enter the university I wanted as I was bad at Maths and had no chances with it especially after two years of not even solving an equation of any sort. So I stayed in the same establishment where I had studied management but continued with a Bachelor’s degree in public and municipal administration as I had already mentioned and that was how I killed my dream to be an interpreter. My years at university seemed an age and not the golden one either. It comprised my struggle with habituating myself to new timetable and unwonted tasks, some teachers you wished you had never met and my bulimia in its blooming period. In spite of my eternal hatred to this place, I pushed myself through the boundaries to get that diploma with honours, take part in the conferences, I had the moments which you would always be grateful for and I met people I wouldn’t have ever met if I hadn’t studied there. Nevertheless I was a good advertisement for the institute as well, I passed exam for the FCE test (First certificate in English which demonstrates your proficiency at it). On holidays I went to the Olympic Games in the vest of interpreter, I studied Italian for all period while I was studying the main subjects at university. It was quite a time. I graduated last year but having no pedagogical degree I was seen skeptically at interviews but then it turned out to be of less importance, especially when I had already been tutoring for 6 years in my own whenever I had free time and people who had will to learn English.

Chapter 3

The following week was even better. It passed to October, the weather was unusually versatile changing from “bloody cold” state to “how is it possible to be so warm?” one. I loved autumn and not because I celebrated my birthday this month but because it gave me the incentive to create. The particular weather, penetrating rains, sombre days which made you to take a book, had a tea and climbed into the windowsill and read, sometimes distracting from the text to admire the views which brought you miles away from the window from your life to the place where you were meant to be even you had no vague idea what this place was. It was my sort of shrine from the outside malice of the world. I would grab a blanket covering in it as I was a caterpillar in a cocoon who was waiting for the crucial moment in its life – to become a splendid butterfly. However there was no chance of any kind like this for me. With my schedule I barely could go to the toilet left alone being in an inventive, creative mood. I didn’t want anything, just lie down and do nothing, contemplating about void.

By the way my best friend Alice who I happened to work with had the same feelings, adding also her continuously state of being severely ill, that’s why I always tried to be for her anytime she needed as I was worried about her. Nevertheless everything had its limits and one day I collapsed writing her that I neither doing well and it steamed into this:

“I have been reflecting all day today, okay more crying than reflecting but still. I realized that only we were capable ourselves to get out from this vortex of problems, this gap of darkness, because nobody will understand what is happening inside, even the most close ones. They have never faced something of the kind. When we needed each other we weren’t together as nobody of us wanted to put the weight of her problems onto the other and it was kind of embarrassing to talk. And now this lump of silence is trying to get out but doesn’t want to be released grabbing into itself more and more hardships and problems, it is so strong that you wish to switch off your emotions, feeling, and humanity. This time I intend that we are for each other, yes, it won’t be easy but we will be together. Hence stop apologizing to me for everything you say, for expressing your true feelings, I want you to tell me all your inner state, your perceptions, experiences, no matter how dumb or absurd it is going to sound. I have been staring at our photo for ages today and I have recollected that day in details, what we were doing, what we were telling each other, what pancakes you were eating, what you were wearing and then how we took pictures and then divided them between ourselves and what you gave me inasmuch as it was my birthday. Only seven months passed since the time we’d got acquainted and I figured out that together we could do anything, survive whatever happening in the world. No matter how we don’t want it and how we are ready to throw in the tunnel, but we must remind each other how strong we are even if it is going to annoy us. I express all my gratitude in your regards for that I have you in my life and I love you very much. So, if we lose ourselves at this time and space, everything will die around us, we will be like wandering aimless ghosts which stuck between worlds and I don’t want it.”

She was still in her eternal doubts about my words as she wasn’t ready to heal, sometimes I even found that we kind of enjoyed being misery guts, it was our part of life. She said that it was hard for her to reveal her rigours on me and that she was cried her eyes out reading my message.

“Hey, crying isn’t that bad, it shows that we are still possessed by some emotions, that there is life inside us which is trying to find a way out. It is not negative in that case, it is intrinsic state and if it is hold tight in captivity for so long it will eventually explode, and as for me it would be easier to know about this state, rather than you are going to fake. Honest perceptions are better than dissimulation which will cork you even tight. It will be hard work for us but we must try it out.” I didn’t give up on us.

Notwithstanding that she was giving in, talking about all the traitors and severities in her life. Eventually, I collapsed and piped my eyes as well remembering how I was left out when my grandfather had passed away. I was in hospital at that time being ill with anorexia, I will tell you my issues with food later, my dear reader. Everyone who I considered my friends didn’t even bother to visit me and I had no desire to tell anyone about my feelings as it was a waste of time. People would say that I lamented too much and then just kicked out you from their lives like a piece of trash. After I had a person in my life who I trusted in the way I could give up myself. I disclosed every aspect and emotional experience of life to him. I thought this was it, finally I had someone who could accept me as I was, wherethrough he had experienced even more life shit than I. I esteemed him to be my life savior inasmuch as he stabbed me in the back because of nothing. Every day I was lying to myself that I let the past go but it wasn’t true. Every time I was trying to find something in an effort to kill the pain, but then comprehended that it was still there and I didn’t have enough guts to turn the page, to close the book and start reading a new one. People let me go as I had never existed in their thread of life, as I had been just an object which became too old or uninteresting. I just wanted a friend. That was another example of fit of my profound attachment to people. In the end of my jeremiads I added that I wanted to cry with her, this was the only way.

That was how I returned to the point where I had wanted to get out of, just by remembering the past. Regardless of my denials to see the light, it presented in my day. I neglected the fact that there was a special connection between me and Haim, I pushed away any thoughts of the kind, with all my inner self I blindfolded my eyes convincing myself that he was communicating with me only out of respect. Moreover, I made a decision not to tell anyone that I had a crush on a student. Moreover I was not in the mood to have one more story with an apprentice. Meanwhile the sufficient attachment had already been developed.

“Now are you doing the thing which brings you satisfaction, aren’t you?” asked he after my university story monologue.


“Sure, but I can’t say that I am content with the conditions of my work.”, was my response, “I am thinking of quitting, to tell you the truth”.


“Oh, I thought we were going to be for long together.” I felt disappointment in his words but as usually, denied that fact.


“Actually, when I quit I will offer you a deal, so maybe you will go with me afterwards.” I breathed guts to tell that but was afraid how he could take it.

“We will talk about it when the time comes, but now just continue with the studying process.” he said with smile remark.

I remembered perfectly this conversation as I was heading to work and his reaction to my suggestion made my morning with the feeling of pure gay I proceeded with the duties I had on the day till the very evening as usual. With the last lecture being in progress, I got new messages who you could already guess from.

“I am so exhausted. We were tormented on a lecture, then I tried to get some sleep during the other one and at the point when I almost fell asleep I heard “The lesson is over”. God, it happens all the time!”, he exclaimed.


“I perfectly understand you. I have a crazy schedule from 8 am till 20.30 pm, without weekends and my body is so worn out from chronic fatigue that it switches off itself at a break time even though I detest to have naps. But those 50 minutes usually pass in a way as though they were 5 ones.” I responded.


“What do you mean without days off? Are you serious? You can’t do like that.”, he said with worrying note.


“I am serious. One day, I surmise, my organism wouldn’t resist and I won’t be even able to get from my bed. I walk like a zombie to work. Well, I am complaining too much.” I answered with a smile.


“You should take care of yourself or it could happen, indeed. Your organism will tell you one day – oh stop it, I’m done with it.’”

I was particularly pleased with his compassion for me. Though it wasn’t any kind of affection from his side, just politeness but by his simplicity, efforts in the subject and talks with me, he inspired me with a degree of attachment sufficient to make us both content in each other’s society. At least I wanted to believe it, even it was tough for me. I was too disappointed in human race. Meanwhile, Haim decided to tell me the full version of his “why I decided to learn English” story.

“You know, I had the first thought about taking up a language after the end of term exams, when I had nothing to do at all. However, as I started learning English so many times, I didn’t have any desire to study it again. I wanted studying French. Beautiful language. Then, I thought “Why do you need it? And where are you going to speak it. It would be cool but useless. Just in time my friend decided to take lessons of English, so I changed my mind immediately.” he explained.


“I hope you won’t regret about your decision. I deeply realize that without languages in my life I wouldn’t have acquired the majority of things I have now, I wouldn’t have gone to the Olympic Games, I wouldn’t have orders for translations and interpretations, I wouldn’t have gone abroad, I wouldn’t have participated in international conferences but most importantly I wouldn’t have met so classy guys like you and each time when I fathom, I express gratitude towards myself and when I get the idea that I actually can change somebody’s life for the best and put all my forces towards it as much as I can.” I tried to be humble but still my message looked quite flatulent as though I was advertising myself when in the reality I was far from it. It didn’t mean I had never boasted on the contrary I always used any possibility to show off, university also gave me a spur for it. Some professors taught us to stand out our advantages and capabilities explaining that it would be necessary for the future but still I tried to stay humble.


“So many pluses! I am sure there are even more. I have always looked up to my father, he is a sort of my role model. He knows 3 languages and I thought “Damn, am I not capable enough to be like that as well? Bollocks.” His response brought me a picture that his father was idolatrous figure in his life, he spoke about him with such devotion and respect that I found myself to be a little envious. My father left me when I was 8 months old, never trying to get in contact with me, all I saw were alimony reduction letters from him. At 16 I decided to be a big girl I made the first step and was left with disappointment. He said he had already had a family and I would be an obstacle for him. The reality could be harsh but it was for the best. One less hypocrite in my life.


“I look up to many people but most of the time I find myself to be a good for nothing creature. Many people have knowledge of languages channeling it with other more important activities. Anyway, there are their lives but I have my own path I should follow and stop crying around and start to create something mine.” I was broken creature, so self-chastising and self-flagellation were developed on a high scale.

“This is bad that you have such thoughts. It is not true. You are good for everything. Something will come out of it anyway.” Again, he was trying to comfort me and persuade how wrong I was. It was heart melting. I had never expected that a student like him could have written to me anything of the kind, as you remembered my first impressions about him and how far we were now.


I was in the mood to change the subject as I wasn’t in the frame to talk about my miseries:

“Sometimes, it occurs but I try to suppress it. Tell me better how you met Adam and hit it off so well.”


“It was simple, we entered the same university, turned out to be group mates and shared the same desk. The first lecture was anatomy, as far as I remember. We talked and I realized that he was so fucked up as I am, so we have been friends ever since.” The story reminded me of my friends, as the majority of them were sandwiches short of the picnic.


“Fun, this is the most important. Do you miss the friends from your city?” I asked it as I often missed my best friend Sara who moved after school to a big city, her dream city, where she studied her dream profession. I was proud of her, she was so determined, so committed she achieved so much in her own with only little support of her parents. She had always been different from me, getting everything she had ever wanted without pleasing others. I hadn’t been able to do the same as I had no balls to go contrary when people expected something from me I always agreed with their will and not with my own desires and wishes. I stopped living only for others not so long ago.


“I used to miss them but I have grown up since then, but they haven’t. This summer I came and met some of the adequate ones, who are studying at medical universities as well. Though there are some who are still living with their parents and I feel like that they hadn’t grown up at all. They are the same as they were at school. Same mindset, same jokes, conversations about nothing. So, this summer I kissed them goodbye. They were offended, of course, but I couldn’t do in another way, I need to progress with people not to degrade. I am going to Moscow soon for a concert, where I am meeting with my old friend but I reckon that the most truthful friends are the ones you have met at university.” He was so grown up in my eyes that I didn’t even feel that we had the difference in age. His views were of a grown up man not a 19 year old teenager. At his age, the boys I knew, were a complete rack, living to the max and involving their interest only around boxes of beer and cigarettes, declining the usage of their brains at all.

Then it was my turn to reiterate about my friendships which some of them I even worshipped and cherished because they were really meaningful for me.

“I have only one friend from school (I was talking about Sara, we met when I changed school for a new one, it was the third form. We didn’t hit off from the very beginning due to the fact that I had already had a friend who studied there and she was thick with another girl but as classmates we got on well together), then one friend from university (Her name was Iren, she was a complete opposite of me, girly, model type, heaps of boys were around her all the time, she possessed leadership qualities and always knew how to handle the most sophisticated situations), one more I met at Olympic Games, she lives in a big city with her boyfriend who happened to be my friend as well and they want me to live me with them, at least for some time. Alice, who had to be your teacher is also my friend (I met her at the meeting of Olympic volunteers and we got on like a house in fire immediately, hence we ended up to work together). They are the most important people in my life. It is so exciting each time to realize that absolutely foreign people enter your life and you are not able to imagine it without them anymore.

Of course, it has been information of grand significance for you:)”, I smile, considering that most of the time people are bored to death hearing stories of the general.

However his response proved me wrong:

“If it were uninteresting, I would have said it. But why not to have a chat. I like what you are telling me.”

Could you imagine my face at the moment I was reading it? I doubt so, I was over the moon, I put cream from all pots in the world. I would usually resend all my conversations with guys to my friends but it was not the case as I had decided I was going to do it anymore. First of all, he didn’t like me, so there was no point, second of all, first time in my life I didn’t want them to know that I actually liked someone, because I couldn’t admit it even to myself. I let things go hang. I was tired of coming up with schemes to grab somebody’s attention, I wanted to be myself for god’s sake, without pretense.

Even having such interactions with him I was in a desolate condition that was what I wrote in my diary:

Dear diary,

‘I don’t know what is going. I am lost. I have to move on but the sudden attachment to all my students is impending me to do it. I am in a trap. I’ve become so close to these guys that I started to see the sense of life in them. Miranda is a one ear deaf girl, she is so sunny creature who makes you smile through the day, Alex is a six year old who loves me so genuinely that he is willing to study even Italian with me and after each class he tells me how he likes me and our classes. Olivia is a complicated girl who survived the coma and inability to speak for 3 long years of her life, she has difficulties with remembering things but is trying so hard and others guys are so attached to me that they even share their personal life with me and ask for advice. How on Earth could I leave them!? I see the potential in each of them. Somebody is going fast, somebody is a little slower but they are all determined and have incentive to surmount all bad weathers in their ways. I am in a predicament, confused. I guess I need time off to contemplate about what I really want and how to bring my desires to reality.

I would be a hypocrite but I can’t also deny the fact that I have special attachment to one of the student like I don’t have to anyone else. I like his personality, unique being and childish features in character. I hope for nothing but I can’t imagine my life without him at the same moment. As far as I see he is not interested at me at all, I am just a person who delivers the knowledge he would like to have in possession, we can’t be even friends. I am a lost case, I know I am the one of those who has crushes on people, loving the strange kinds of population, but never being loved back. Anyway, I will brace my energies and get the life not harassing others.’

I bet you speculated who that special student was. At least I avowed to myself what I really felt about him even if I continued to cram my feelings into a trash bin of my subconsciousness.


Chapter 4

Have you ever felt yourself empty to death? When you are dead among living, you walk, you breathe, you integrate with others but mentally you have been dead for quite a time. You cry but tears do not come out because the hole inside you is so enormous that everything is switched off. You feel like you are losing your humanity, all your senses are lost in oblivion of your delusions. However self-hatred is always with you, it is the only sense you are not able to get the grips with and throw away from your life. You detest yourself for every missed opportunity for every piece of time you lost, for things you have never done, for things you have done. This syndrome of living death is called binge eating.

All above –mentioned words have to do with compulsive eating patterns, when you eat off limits and then start feeling and thinking in this way. While you are eating you literally turn off all your senses, you are in the kingdom of food consumption, you do not think what you eat, how it will reflect on your health and how disgusting you will be feeling after that. Only what matters is to stuff into yourself more and more edible things. And then, you are in the state when you barely can sit because you have gobbled so much stuff into yourself, you start regretting and it is the most painful thing. Moreover, you are afraid to share the problem with someone, you think people are going to judge you, to discuss you, to gossip on you, to mock at you for your weakness, but binge eating is not a weakness, it is a disease which is comparable with drug addiction. Drug addicts use prohibited substances in order to relax from fatigue, forget about problems and just to feel themselves in the state of total peacefulness giving no care to the outside world. Binge eating is another sort of addiction, you eat mostly for the same reasons but the effect of food comfort longs for minutes, when you are full and barely can move you start to hate everything around you including yourself, suicidal inclinations take place, self-flagellation goes between reasonable control (self-hurting, usage of laxatives, vomiting, excessive exercising sessions).

You eat while nobody is watching you because you are too scared and ashamed to be seen by someone, how you pile up yourself with food. You always have switches in your mood, you think about suicide as the best solution to your problems. You hope for tomorrow and this tomorrow never comes. You are prisoned in your own mind. Darkness’s embodied you. There is no way to see the light. You might ask why it is happening, why you people with disorders can’t live as everybody does and just take things for granted. The reason is that we can’t, yes, we want to be happy, we want to enjoy every moment of life and smile to passers-by spreading positive vibes but we are cursed. Family problems, troubles with friends, dramatic relationships, other kinds of problems all at once influence too hard on us. We are reacting with speed power to every single thing in this world, too sensitive, too weak creatures. People wonder why after treatment we do not trust people instantly and start to be susceptive, because hole of desperation, long loneliness and misappreciation by others is not easy to cure.

I had been suffering from binge eating for four years so far, even though I had made so much for its prevention, but I still had attacks in the moments of emptiness of emotions or when I saw people putting off their masks and showing who they really were, I knew that I had to collect my faculties and put up with this world but sometimes I was so fragile that I just wanted a hug and get a little bit of time with someone like just staring at the ceiling and lying in silence or staring at the window hand in hand, I didn’t ask for much. However, life is not that simple. My first binge urges started when my friend said to me that I was a blond silly girl who was always whining and since when we only had known about each other that we existed in the same universe, it was hard for me because I cared too much about him, every single day I tried to support him in his difficulties but I got nothing in return when I needed help and such stories happened 3 times in a row but with other people, I wanted to die so hard, you give yourself away, striving to do your best for people you love and they just used you. It had a great impact on me.

A sunny girl turned into a fading ray, which couldn’t rise with every sunrise, I had some days when I was about to rise but I instantly sank down again. Life was strangled out from me. I wished I had never been born, I envied to people who died, I wished to change my life on death with those people. I was not going to lie but I cut my hands in order to feel better in that way some pain went away as I thought. I took antidepressants which made my condition even worse, they just gave me the feeling of indifference and more conviction of my uselessness on this planet. Step by step, I gained a lot of weight, earned low self-esteem, stopped going out somewhere with friends and cut off all social engagement with people. I longed to return to my previous life but I couldn’t. Food became my friend and the worst enemy at the same time.

I know, I didn’t mention all the feelings and problems which go along with binge eating and any eating disorder but only the basic concept, just give a brief appraisal to this disease. The most important thing is here that people have to think twice before judging a person’s appearance, how fat he or she is, or how skinny, most of the times people have no clue what have to undergo those people every day, how they survive, how they are dead to the world, because they see no light at the end of tunnel. I know, how it is seductive to gossip about someone’s look, but you have no idea how hard you can hurt that person especially if he is in that eating disorder condition. Stop for a minute and put yourselves into his shoes and maybe you will stop to judge that person and keep in mind that nobody is insured from getting into that condition, I had never thought I could be in the category of people with eating disorders and here I was…

Why am I talking about it? Because at that period of time I had massive problems with it. I just got used to eating like a horse it was my normal way of being. Realizing that I was unable to get what I wanted, miserable existence and no work prospects erking up to my condition even more. Besides I had no desire to heal. 4 fucking years of being fucked up, all kinds of drastic diets, pills, quick remedies, going around a dead end circle, when nothing worked. I was exhausted to nuts. I didn’t want to be cured, all I wanted to be exposed to the voidness and sink in it as a wrecked ship. And of course having crush on Haim I was realizing that I would never have a boy like this and that he was nice to me only because of his upbringing. A translucent boy with refined taste would date a girl from a sophisticated book, as I imagined her she would be pale with deep-expressed cheek and clavicle bones. She would wear long blond hair and had half a smile of an angel with complexity of her glance. She would be as a morning coffee, the first thing you wish to see after the awakening, smelling so appealingly causing to be wanted to pour down in her or a book which can’t be put down as it has grabbed you to pieces. And here was me: clumsy, boyish girl who lost her looks and figure with a quirky sense of style and views on life. The girl who gave up as a bad job on herself. Every day I wake up with determination to change, with a plan to follow to get back my perfect looks, to start from the blank and every day I failed. That personal clash was obscuring and still I didn’t lose hope on myself, I believe I would be healed at some point of my life span. It had already started as consciously I understood my problem, I had the will for things to be changed and that was already something. However, before I started to talk about how I believed that I could be rehabilitated yet another time. I had one more story to share with you as it was one of a paramount importance for me once. One more story how I was dependent on having someone special in my life.

Chapter 5

“That’s going to be the difference this year” she wrote down in her diary. This year she was ready for a real change in her life. Taken up an English course she figured out what she had to handle with – new people, the pressure of society and stuff like that.

Don’t be confused with this beginning my dear reader, it was written some years ago when I was another person with less contamination in my mind. This chapter will be written in a different way.

On the day when the course started she was over-excited, scared and nervous, being a very shy type, she was afraid of not being accepted by people. However everyone was so friendly and wonderful. She finally started to feel the life, after all bullying stuff that she had at the technical school. However her serenity didn’t long much. After a week of classes 2 new arrivals came. Two girls. They were like sisters, the thing was not in their appearance, no, they looked absolutely different, but it seemed their thoughts were shared for both as one could easily finished the sentence of another, had much in common and shared stuff which understood only they. They seemed to be eccentric to Michaela and non-understandable. She wished they had never come in to her life either in the English group, but she had nothing to do with it.

The reason of this hatred to the girls was deeply in her, her phobia not being accepted, not being understood by the new acquaintances, the fear that they could regard her as a strange girl. The next reason was that she didn’t understand them in some ways of their behaviour, considering them like wicked and devilish. Moreover she always reckoned they detested her too, because of her behave, her love to cartoons even her clothes. Even so it was just her paranoia which dominated her reasonable views.

Anyway she never showed any sign of abomination to them or sorts of that, she collaborated with them in a friendly way, what’s more she even enjoyed to have a word with them because they had something in common.

“Hey, how are you?” asked Capitolina.


“Hi, good, but all this IT lessons screwing me up.” The only words which Michaela managed to get out when Capitolina interrupted her daily state of being out of real world.


“Yeah, I have got the same problem, all these database, figures, pascal stuff, innervating.”


“Yeah, how I do understand you it is unbearable, I’ve got a complete fit with them.”


They kept interrupting each other with delighted faces, it didn’t matter for them that the rest of class had no clue what they were talking about, who knew, how long their conversation would have been but it was interrupted when the lesson started.

Even having such chats, Michaela stood in her position. “That’s bizarre”was her thought, “they are so kind to me, even praise me sometimes, but I’m sure they do such a thing only in order to show some respect and don’t seem to be churlish or whatever. Actually I like Marisa, she is different, when she is without Capitolina, I think it’s her influence has spoiled Marisa, but on the other hand Capitolina seems to be very cognitive, polite and less crazy than Marisa, I don’t know. However I don’t like Capitolina, anyway, first reason is because she loathes me and stuff which I do, then she didn’t accepted my friendship on Facebook, although I offered her 2 times, there are 100% that she hates me, maybe I don’t match her circle of society, actually I don’t care, but I don’t want her to be in our group either.”

Michaela always observed the way Capitolina was worn, the way she ate, drank, the hairstyle she had. The reason of doing it was the question “Why does she hate me?”

“She wears clothes as she would come out from home without a care in the world what she was wearing I don’t understand. She is rich, beautiful, polite and clever, but all these ponytails and buggy loosy apparels as though she was homeless. She must show off, be like a princess and mock me off. However she is always polite with people, even with me. I can’t get it why then she hates me, what am I doing wrong?” Michaela drummed her head with this stuff.

Michaela always estimated everything what was happening in her life people around her, her goals and failures.

She didn’t like to let people down, always being in time and willing to help, even it didn’t match her interests. Living in her own world which she created for herself, she understood that something wonderful had to happen in her life, maybe not that moment but in the future. Her face permanently would light up with smiles of pleasure if she could do something that brought a smile on face of another person. In that way she started making her hand-made stuff, firstly dedicated to her close friends and finishing with people who she either regarded to be important or nice to her.

She always tried not to show her weakness even the things hurt her too much, but understanding that showing herself as a weak she only worsen the situation, although she had another strategy as being a Scorpio, she knew she could hurt people in any time when they anticipated it less possible to happen, actually she tried not to be so cruel because of her religion. However it wasn’t always possible for her staying sunny and positive, it showed her diary where she wrote:

“18.03.11.

Dear diary,

I can’t stand it any longer, the only that I’ve been doing these days is crying, moreover I can’t help stopping it. I think I’ve been spending my life on foolish things. If I hadn’t done these thing, I would be in London now and learn English there and all my dreams would come true. I don’t know how to do my coursework, it’s so exhausting and hard to get things right. I am nobody in this world, absolutely nothing. The only thing I want now is to get out of here, find a boy who would take care of me or marry an actor, Paul Wesley would be a great one. (Paul Wesly is an American actor, famous as Stephan in a TV drama ‘The vampire diaries’ born also in Poland who she was in love with). Oh holy mackerel, why is it so difficult to live?”

It sounds more like the speculations of 13 years old teenager rather than a girl of 17 years. In some ways she considered herself like a redneck in the MarisaCapitolina’s society, but anyway sometimes she felt herself over the top under them.

In the days prior to New Year, her English group was obliged to prepare something for celebration like a song or sorts of that. Her friend Christine (she considered her as a the best one, actually) made a conjecture as making a speech of American president with his interpreter, everybody liked that idea and after phrase “It’s a wrap”, everybody started thinking who would present this video at the celebration, the first on the list was Christine because the idea was hers, then on the list was Michaela because of being in friendship with her and one of the best students, but the teacher thought it wasn’t sufficient to have only 2 girls and the other two were Capitolina and Marisa, surely Michaela was far from happy about that suggestion but had nothing to do with it. Just grin and bear.

On the day of all this commotion, everybody of course arrived earlier. Michaela was wearing her pink dress which she had possessed since her school prom, Capitolina was in light blue jeans, high boots without heels with laces and a white shirt over which was wearing a dark-blue thin sweater, her hair was leased, Marisa was in a simple khaki dress and sneakers, with her hair in a ponytail. Observing them pinky girl with her hair in curls and in pink shoes, thought she was out of the place.

“It’s a celebration why are they wearing in the way like they went to an ordinary lesson? I know that maybe I’m not so clever how they are but anyway, it’s inappropriate, and why they brought cheese with them, aren’t they going to eat? And it’s Parmesan, my favourite sort of cheese, why do they like it too? It’s not fair that we have too much in common. They are so thin and eat absolutely nothing, I want to be in that way too.”

Yeah, weighing 43 kilos, she always considered herself being fat because of her height which was 156 cm. she was obsessed with “being always a slim thing”, her the most awful fear was to put on weight again. Her family was preoccupied about her to gain anorexia problem though.

Imagine my condition when I started gaining weight back my emaciated flesh evaporated with each struck of clock. My five year attempts to keep myself fit by skipping the meals, doing exercises all the time, eating the right food, avoiding the junk. My petite figure made me the envy of my peers. They were bursting with it when they saw me in a new apparel which fitted me perfectly. And then I turned into an elephant wearing baggy strange clothing and looking as I were 30 not 20. I abhorred myself for my blunders committed. I was unable to see happiness in my life without feeling my lovely bones. As my usual morning routine used to be a staring at how thin my legs had been and how it was uncomfortable to lie on hip bones or how deeper I could penetrate my fingers into the gaps of a clavicle bone. I was obsessed with being thin. At least I felt attractive. Brooding over my past experiences with food, I had been always the prisoner of it since I was little girl. I consumed over my child’s needs flushing away my parents’ warnings, hence my grandparents were on my side, allowing me to gobble food whenever I wanted and whatever I wanted. I was not obese though but I was plump enough to get teasers from my peers. The situation changed when I decided that something had to be done with my continuous eating and I completely reconsidered my lifestyle. I started to get up earlier, do morning exercises, eat proper products which led to losing unnecessary baggage I was putting on me. So, in just two months I managed to transform myself into a girl from the first page of a magazine. Besides my drastic change in looks I also readjusted my attitude towards the majority things in my life. I improved my marks at school, I commenced reading books on daily basis and learnt how to manage my time in more efficient and effective way. This transformation brought a new Michaela girl who no one had known.

Getting back to the point, when the time was ripe to go to the stage, Michaela was very perplexed and confused, preoccupied that something could go wrong, and she would be in front of girls, but eventually everything ended up in a normal way. After that she even didn’t feel the pressure from girls, actually there hadn’t been any pressure before, it was only in her head. The rest of the evening ended up in a great and tranquil celebration.

You know, that the majority of our problems and dissatisfaction in life comes from troubled mind. We think too much about things which should be considered unimportant, we create problems from nothing and waste a big deal of time with it.

Till the summer everything seemed to be ok, Michaela enjoyed her lessons, even she had to collaborate most of the time with Capitolina, but she was flabbergasted about how well were their conversations and that they had so much in common, like two peas in a pod, however, her feeling about Capitolina’s hatred of her never left her. She still wanted her to be away from the group.

When at last summer came, she thought with relieve that the whole 3 months she wouldn’t see Capitolina Nowak anymore. Although it would be unfair not to mention one thing, sometimes during the summer Michaela watched the girl’s social account and always asked questions in a void, “Why do you hate me? What am I doing wrong? Yes I’m not like you and Marisa and I’ll never be, because I’m from another planet but it doesn’t mean you have to detest me in that way.”

Next thing for her was when she saw a photo of Nowak where she was showing her middle finger, it made Michaela thinking “How dares she to do such a thing, it’s so awful and where do her parents watch? But the most irritating was her pink hair. She started asking and asking questions. “How on earth she died her hair like that, how her parents allowed her to do it, she’s not old enough, she spoilt her hair, what a shame, that’s horrendous.’ Nevertheless she said that not because she really didn’t like it or was envious, but because of her supposition that Capitolina loathed her and she must say something like that. Very stupid of her. Actually it’s understandable when a girl had lived almost in total isolation, having only some close friends by her side, some rare rides for civilization , with crazy plans for life, craving everyday like a mad, wanting to get out from this country and afraid of expressing herself sometimes.

I would like to make a remark on this. I was a very judgmental child even though I didn’t notice it myself, even reckoning that it was wrong to judge others when in reality I did it every day. Why? Church taught me . I don’t want to be the object of consensual resentment from the religious part of our society, so I will explain. I was brought up in an orthodox family, where we went to church almost each Sunday, kept Lents and read prayers in the evenings. I believed that if you obeyed God’s law, it was the way for salvation but at the same time I was afraid of dying and getting old, any slight thought about this occurrence which dashed in my immature mind made me feel terrorized, completely paralyzed with numb fear. Although the Bible teaches to accept death as you are going to be with God after that, but apparently it didn’t bestowed me any consolation. The other reason for my concern was that I had no comprehension of the cause why Christianity went to a 3 branch decay. That split up made me curious more and more as we, believers should follow written words by Jesus, were also obliged to abide other human beings rules who were invested in the ecclesiastic robes, only because they had different opinions about how to conduct church services and interpreted the Bible in their particular way. Why, they were just people, like us, why should I adhere to their views? But nobody could give me explicit information of the origin and nature of it. In spite of my concerns I was to drop all my conjectures on the subject as it was considered to be a sin to brood over such things. Considered by who? I had no exact answer. That’s why Capitolina was an incarnation of evil in my books, she was not religious and always made pinch remarks about people who affiliated themselves with any kind of religious movement. Plus, her deeds were out of the place which the Bible and church would never admitted to be the right ones. Her behaviour was outrageous for me.

The summer ended. She felt different, different in all ways, like something changed her, awoken her from tight sleep.

“That’s weird I’m still this naïve poor living thing with the dream of getting out of here. But something is different, I don’t understand what exactly it is, I’m no longer the same.”

New academic year arrived, she bore in mind the thought about meeting Nowak again but didn’t give to it much significance. At the very first lesson their English teacher, did a remark about Capitolina’s hair.

“Nowak, what’s happened with your hair?


“Nothing “snapped she.


Kovalski (that was my surname if you are wondering and has amusing origin. Recorded in over forty spellings, this is a surname of Polish or perhaps in some cases, Russian origins. It is in its many and different native forms recorded in such varied places as Poland, Russia, The Ukraine, Germany, Belorussia, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Croatia and Hungary. It can be ethnically either Christian or sometimes Jewish. The origination is from the pre 7th century word 'kowac' meaning to forge, and hence is an occupational name for a smith or at least an ironworker. However the additive suffix '-ski' when recorded, implies land and estate ownership, and like the German 'von' can also be a locational or status name for a person who came from one of the various places called Kowal. Heraldically the name carries many coat of arms. Perhaps the most famous and associated with the famous Crusades of the 12th century to the Holy Land has the blazon of a red field charged with a broadsword point down between two Turkish crescents, all gold. It implies victory over the Muslims, although historically this is arguable) enjoyed the whole situation, her face lighted up with a vicious smile at that moment.

So seeing Capitolina’s agony Kowalski elated with pleasure.

The whole year for Michaela’s despair their teacher made her to be a partner with Capitolina for coming up with ideas for dialogs, having conversations, improving general skills, discussing some topics from the manuals.

But Michaela started loving her conversations with Capitolina, they always laughed, enjoyed twittering about this and that and occasionally found the fount of common thing between them.

Then happened something that Michaela longed for such a long time. Capitolina started missing lessons, her results becoming worse and worse. Michaela’s vanity had the triumph, she was in all smiles about this, finally her enemy would end up with English classes and she could be happy. On the other hand she had the pity for her, because such a brilliant girl, went to the dogs, failed everything, gave up at the very end, she tried even to know what happed to her and wrote her a message, where Capitolina explained that everything was fine and even asked her how she was doing, Michaela estimated this reply like a gesture of Capitolina’s politeness. AS we can see from it I always considered people to be polite me and not caring about me, so my vision towards people was erroneous.

Well, then the hardest moment happened in Michaela’s life that the subject on Capitolina’s life dropped dead. A boy she regarded like a brother,( I mentioned him in the previous chapter) even more than just a brother, she had some kind of a crush on him, he in his turn, enjoyed to spend time with her, but she understood that nothing could be between them because he got a girlfriend, but the piece of hope never leaves our hearts and makes our life a total disaster.

“Dear diary,

I’m so wacky, nutty, fool, batty, how on earth I could have a crush on Mathew, he is not for me, we will never be together either, he has got a girlfriend and he will never like me as a girl. However I can’t help thinking about him, when I’m with him, a peculiar floating sensation comes over me as though I’m a balloon floating up in the air. It’s so difficult to see him every day and pretend that’s everything is all right, because nothing can be all right, when the only thing you do is drooling over a boy, who you will never be with. Moreover, this foolish excitement that goes over me when I see him. Why is it so? All those 2 years he was just a group mate for me, nothing more, but at the end of the third year, I have seen something in him, what it is, I have no the foggiest idea. That’s bizarre, because I fell in him, after my friend said to me that she had had a crush on him, but didn’t know how to say it to him, and I started to see him through and this thing happened. What a shame.”

However after the prom in her technical school, she realized that everything what was between them was nothing, he told her she was a pain in his neck, because once she had told him how bad she felt, he judged it like blonde moaning and stopped talking to her. She started eating much after it, it didn’t help her to cure her hollow which she had inside her, it even worsen the situation, she started hating herself for her weakness in eating, she couldn’t stand it, but every time her mouth was bulged with different kinds of food. Every day living in promises of that she could stop it, she was a strong girl, but nothing happened, binging became a part of her life, looking at the mirror, seeing this God knew what, she was ashamed of herself, didn’t want to see anyone, she closed from friends, world with hope that she could handle with all these things when she would go to Italy. For not looking back she decided to split up all the relationship that she had had with Mathew, she wrote him a message with apologies and commendations for everything he had done for her, and said goodbye to him, she thought he could regarded this message like a farewell one, but he didn’t understand her, and wrote that such beautiful girl didn’t have to complain on life and had all these cockroaches in her head about how ugly she was and fat, he admitted the fact about her annoyance, she made a conclusion that it was the most right thing to do – to break up with him and forget everything that she felt for him.

“ Maybe it’s selfish and a base thing, but I don’t want to have anything with that boy in common, just want to ruin everything and leave him in peace.”

The day of her departure arrived. She always wanted to travel but had no opportunities and means but finally it was happening. She was going to Italy for two weeks, wasn’t it exciting?

“Yeah, I’m so flabbergasted, over-excited and now I know will be ok, the moan girl is going away from me, only positive emotions, thought, it’s going to be incredible trip! Whoop! Whoop!”she cried.

Actually it was in that way, every single day which was spent far away from motherland gave her few and far between feelings and emotions. The turning point in her trip became a day when she met Luigi an Italian young footballer. A bit taller than her. He went on delectable words which every girl wanted to hear, she went wild with excitement of the whole situation, but everything was crushed in a moment, when he started proposing on things which were beyond her recognition.

“Ok ,we kissed, actually I kissed you only because who knows when I ever will jump at the opportunity to be in Italy and kiss hot Italian” she reasoned.

“But what you are offering me, is out of question, I will never do it, especially in the street, well, I have to come up with idea how to chip him off. He is much stronger than me , it’s obvious, moreover this is villain has a good range of muscles, it’s useless to cry out about help as we are in the outskirts of Rome and hardly anyone is in sight, I’m dumbfounded, what the heck he is offering all this, do I look like a slut? Ok, I have to change the subject, or lie something like my hotel is going to close or whatever.”

“What do you want to do?” he asked her with a subtle, charming voice.

“Maybe, you can tell something about yourself?” she offered him in order to win some time.

He said some facts about his family herewith showing off about him being a football player and earning big sum of money.

“I don’t care about your money, I want to get out of here as soon as possible, I have never had any plans to lose my virginity on a bench, the devil knows where.” her thoughts were delirious and entangling one in another.

“It’s so interesting to hear about your family”-he was pretending.

“You’re beautiful” he said.

“Fuck, shut your mouth up, stop, fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, what to do, what to do? It’s like being with a maniac, the situation I was afraid of all time is about to happen with me.”

“Kiss me.”, his request was simple.

“Maybe we can have sex?”, he proposed.

“You know, in Russia, we have another views on life, we never do sex with the first boy on the road, forget even about it, I’ll never do it with you.”– she managed to get these words out.

“Ok, chill, maybe you can masturbate with me?”

Her eyes popped out.

“You don’t get it? I said no, I don’t want to do anything with you.”


“Maybe you’re embarrassed, aren’t you?”


“Yes, I am.” Anyone would be embarrassed if they were in my shoes right now. “Maybe he finally realized that the thought about doing such a thing never crosses my mind.


“I can, then, to remove the bench in darker place and we can do it there.”, he smiled.

“What the hell you’re talking about, he must be out of his mind little full of lust boy, actually I should have awaited the actions like these from a 17 years old hot blood boy.” She resonated for herself about the state of the situation she was in.

And at that moment he had a call. Furthermore a man was passing near them. “I am saved.”, she thought.

“I’ve got to go”– he said, “My hotel is going to close.”


“Yes, of course, go, it was nice to meet you, bye.”, she murmured with a pretentious smile escaping from him with a relief.


“I can’t believe it, I’m all in one piece. No part of me got left behind. The lesson for me never kiss anyone at the first day of meeting, when you know him only 2 hours and he’s a hot Italian. I could have been dead and left without my virginity. God, where my mind was when I had kissed him, sometimes I should take off my pink glasses and see more profound, because it wasn’t funny at all as I thought it might have been.”

Running to the hotel as fast as she could, she was happy as she had never been before. Various feelings filled up her at this night, on one hand she was frightened, overwhelmed of the whole thing and thankful to God she managed to escape all the horror that could have happened with her, on the other hand she had a sensation in her stomach, it was the feeling of pleasure, yeah, endorphins which organism composed after good moments of life, or eating bananas or chocolates or kisses…..

‘It was a decent time ago since I’ve kissed last time, but better not to kiss for a long time than kiss like that. Actually he’s a good kisser. That’s so great we are leaving tomorrow this town and I will never see him again. However it was such adrenaline which you never get from roller-coasters, of course it’s better not to risk like this. But it is the lifetime experience and it is better not to regret.”

Chapter 6


“Dear Diary,

It is the beginning of a new studying year. After returning from Italy I was sure my life was going to change, I even shed some kilos, unfortunately, I was wrong. The first reason for it was my institute, I hated it with all my heart, I even flew into terrible tantrums about the whole thing and my depression was coming back, then our English teacher quitted his job and without him I see our course to be pointless. He is the greatest, only with him I managed to reach unbelievable results in a short span of time, I can’t imagine my life without him. As a consequence of my shattered psychic I have started wolfing more and more food, self-flagellation has come back, and I just hate myself for being alive. “

The first English lesson had to start through one hour, she was wondering what the new teacher would be, then she read the list of enrollment and to her gay, she didn’t see the surname she wished she would never have seen, there wasn’t Nowak.

“Yuppie!”,she exclaimed, “One year without her.”


Her joy wasn’t for long when sitting with her friends, she saw 2 girls came to them.


“Capitolina and Marisa, what the hell you are doing here, you are not supposed to be here. Ok, maybe she just came with Marisa. Grin and bear.”


“Hey, girls.” she managed the words out of her mouth.

“Hello Michaela.” exploded girls together.


“Oh you dyed your hair in blonde, I like it, that’s cool, awesome.” said Capitolina.


“Thank you.” she managed a response.


“I like that you told about my hair, thank you, but I’m sure you said that because you dyed your hair in the same colour, didn’t you. Fuck I’m so fat, that’s embarrassing, the thing I wished hadn’t happened. Fuck, okay, act in a normal way.”Her thoughts were always being around the subject of how fat I was.

“How are you? How was your summer?” she asked her.

“It was great, thank you for asking.” she mumbled.

“Actually her summer was perfect than any other, spending it in Italy”. replied a friend of mine.

‘Thank you, of course, but I could answer myself, I snapped in my mind, as it looked like she just tried to show me off.”

“Mine was good too, – Capitolina didn’t hesitate.

Then they went away.

“Thanks goodness they have gone. I can’t bear it. But it was nice chat though.”– she thought.

Lesson was about to start, Christine at last came.

“What a relief!” the thought slipped in her mind.

Girls hugged each other after a warm greeting..

“I’ve just seen Marisa and Capitolina smoking, I didn’t know they smoke”. said Christine.

“Me neither, but whatever that’s their life, they can do what they want”. Michaela really didn’t care about their lifestyles anymore.

When the lesson started everyone understood it was going to be a total failure, their new teacher was a woman of 70s who never shut her fucking mouth even for a second, repeating all the time one phrase “I see, I see.”

Everybody made fun of this. And one lesson Capitolina’s and Michaela’s eyes met, they burnt in laughing, pulling faces to each other in which they were trying to imitate their new teacher, and went on and on. And this turned upside down all Michaela’s life.

“After that I realized that Nowak wasn’t such a bitch as I thought. She lit my life with joy, positive energy on each lesson. I didn’t hesitate much and made a decision to write her about it and here all changed, we started chattering like mad, about everything.”

“Dear diary,

Today I’ve been talking to her, I can’t even imagine that she is absolutely a normal girl, sometimes I have to see people from other corner. She is so great. I can’t understand how it’s happened but now I even can’t imagine my life without her, the girl who I hated the most turned out to be a ray of sun I like this change in my life.”

I have even invited her and Marisa on my b-day. They accepted my invitation. I am over the moon, I am smiling as I have never smiled before. I feel how my life is improving thanks to her. This is incredible.

She is helping me to get over my binge eating disorder. I couldn’t manage to do anything but after her arrival in my life I took the new lease of life, feeling it again.

What a rocket of cheer kick up owas for Michielas when she finally added her in friends in social network.

There wasn’t a single day passed without writing something good about her. She has become an inspiration for her.

17.11.12

‘Dear diary,

Girls couldn’t make it for my b-day, because of Marisa’s problems, I can’t figure out which ones, but whatever. Then I saw Marisa’s post in twitter, there she explained ‘You are cool, but I don’t want to spend one vacant evening of mine, on you”. Yeah , I can be paranoiac, take things for granted, but I was sure it was addressed to me, ok, I had a conversation with her where she explained it wasn’t for me.

Well, I believed every single word they told me, however it was weird, to tell me about it at the eve of my b-day, I was very upset, frustrated, I had been waiting for this day so much, only because of them. This feeling of cognitive dissonance always was driving me crazy.

However I promised that I have to be cheerful, I managed to do it, but then we went to the cinema I saw Marisa and Capitolina, and here I almost burst in crying, actually I tried not to do it, for not looking weak as a kitten, but it was very painful, I trusted them and they ruined everything in a minute, what’s more, Marisa started to run away, Capitolina told her she didn’t have to do it but eventually they ran away together. Yeah, I thought we could be friends. I can’t find out why they have done such a thing to me, why they lied, the truth would be better than this, people always disappoint me. Why, what for, why always me? Maybe I have a curse? Moreover we went at the same movie in the cinema. It was difficult to concentrate on film, girls I was with that day helped as hard as they could. However when I returned home, I couldn’t stand any longer and exploded in deep cry. I’m not for this world, I have to die, I want to get out of here,I don’t know how survive I want to vanish forever, it is too hard to take. My consciousness can’t take it. I’m a naïve, stupid fool, still believe that one day we can be friends. I’m mad for what they’ve done to me, but I still love them and don’t want to lose them. Maybe I deserved it, maybe I wanted to be perfect to them and exaggerated. Anyway I love them even the betrayed me, I think it is my fault. “ la feducia e` una cosa fragile, facile di rompere, semplice da perdere, molto difficele da recuperare.”