Sandra Borchert

Five years - that's all we got

Sometimes you find true love twice

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Inhaltsverzeichnis

Titel

I

II

III

IV

V

VI

VII

VIII

IX

X

XI

XII

XIII

XIV

XV

XVI

XVII

XVIII

XIX

XX

Impressum

I

Don't we all want to believe in true love? Wouldn't we be lost, if there was no such thing? Don't we all wish for someone to read our every desire, knowing exactly what we want, without us having to speak a word of it?It doesn't matter how old we are, deep inside we are craving for just that. Our hearts long for warmth and comfort. Anyone who experiences true love once will not let go of it. And when you lose it, you will search your whole life thereafter. How can I possibly know that? I was lucky enough to experience true love twice. That's impossible? I also thought that when I was young. What changed my mind? My life and the man of my life. Together we are living in a little Cottage in Bridlington, the place of many memories. It is quiet here and our children love to visit us. And if they do, we light up the candles, bring out the good wine and look at the ocean. Then we have time for our memories.

II

 In 1930 the world was still safe and sound. I was six years old, just starting elementary school. My father was an officer in the British Army and we lived on an army base in Surrey, a suburb of London. At that time there weren't a lot of children on that base, but those who were, were spoiled by their fathers. On the other hand we had to help our mothers with their daily chores. No traces of spoiling here. By day we had to help with the shopping and at night dad came home with new and exciting stories about the latest drill exercise or his newest assignments.

I had a strict upbringing despite the love of my parents. Or maybe it was because they love me so much. Punctuality and dependability were very important to my mother and my father alike. And of course my general behavior among other people. My mother was a strict catholic and so she taught me the importance of helping other people and care for them. That is why we often offered help to young mothers which were overstrained with a newborn child while their men were on missions. It was great fun for me. I always wanted a younger sibling but it was not possible for my mother to conceive another child. But when I look at it in a different light, I had quite a lot brothers and sisters those days. Then the school-life began. My grades were good even though I was pretty lazy. Nevertheless I managed to pass my exams every time.

My biggest problem was doing my homework. At school I was forced to pay attention, but at home I got lost in thought. My mind started to wander and in my daydreams I helped my father to fight all the evil in the world. I missed him very much. Everything was better when he was at home, even homework. He had the ability to explain everything to me in an easy way. Sometimes he went with me outside to show me how physics work. We threw little stones on a sandpile and returned a few days later to look if they turned up again. Or we went kiting and learned everything about aerodynamics. One day we even built a tin can telephone with my mother, to teach me about acoustics. My father was a fantastic teacher. He was a very handsome man, too.

Every woman on the base envied my mother. He was 1.9 m tall, had thick brown hair and gorgeous blue eyes. And apart from that he was the nicest and most empathetic man I ever knew. I was so proud of being his daughter.

So the years went by.

It was time to leave the school and go out into the world. A career in the Royal Army was not possible for me at that time, but that was not what I wanted either way. I wanted to leave the base behind and see the world. Therefore I applied myself to study in Oxford. I was a talented writer and had no troubles learning foreign languages. But it was not easy to see the big wide world in those days. At the end of 1943 Germany tried to occupy London and the surrounding areas. My father was sent to Germany. At that time he was already gone for half a year. We did not hear very much of him and were deeply concerned. I often heard my mother cry in her sleep or calling out his name. So I decided to stay at home for one more year. It was a difficult time. We had to try to manage without father. It was particularly bad at night, during air raid alarms. We sat inside the bunker holding each other tightly. All women and children together. Those were strange days. At night we were scared and during the day we waited for a life-sign and tried to keep our houses clean. There was not anything else to do. Most of the children were sent to host parents in the north, so they would not have to suffer the worst of the war. The days went by one after the other and no news of father or anyone from his unit got to us.

A few month later the first bad news arrived. My mother and some other woman decided to form a kind of initiative to help those woman whose husbands had fallen. Together we helped them to get their things in order. Afterwards they wrote down all the memories and supported each others at appointments with the authorities or the funerals. It was not a good time, but we all held each other up and still got tighter. Any envy between the women was forgotten about.

After almost a year we still had not heard from my father. I was uncertain whether I should hope for news to come, or fear what the news might turn out to be. My heart was hoping but my mind remained realistic and prepared for the worst.

When Germany surrendered in 1945 we breathed a sight of relief. Although London got off lightly compared to other cities and the enemy troops did not reach Surrey, the nightmares and the fears of the last years would never fully leave us. But from now on we had to look forward. We had to be strong, organize our lives and prepare for the return of our husbands and fathers.

But none of them returned as soon as we hoped. We waited for days, weeks, months.... and then we had certainty. A letter reached us. My father has died in Dresden. The long-expected was now certainty.

III

 What followed was a sea of tears and sorrow. Still, even without my father, life had to go on. Therefore we decided to move to the city of London and retake control of our lives. My mother found herself a job as a secretary to a jewish real estate agent. And I was accepted at the University of Oxford. My mother decided that I should use the compensation pay from the army to finance my studies even though it would not cover the entire time. Now I was finally able to get going. In 1945 I enrolled in the subjects Latin, English, French and German.

At first I was living with my mother and commuted between London and Oxford. But then I found employment at a local photographer and was able to rent a small flat in Oxford. At that point I did not qualify for any scholarship.

Far away from the destroyed London I could start a new life and flourished right away. I befriended some other girls at the University. We were quite the pride. We studied together, went swimming and dancing.

Dancing has always been my passion. My mother had taught me how to. Before she married my father my mother had been a dancing instructor. Many times I had watched them through the keyhole at night holding each other tightly to the music.

Nights with my friends usually meant we needed new shoes the next day, because we danced through our old ones. Most times we spent the night at my place and talked until the early morning hours. We talked about everything that came to our mind. Yes, even about boys. Of course boys were the hot topic even then. But at that time it was not about sex. It was more about getting married and starting a family. Nevertheless I did not want to get married soon. I wanted to enjoy my youth, work and travel a lot. Even though during my childhood we often moved from camp to camp I had never the chance to visit any place outside of England. I often had the desire to visit foreign places and dreamed of Paris, Rome and even New York. Usually my dreams were rudely interrupted by the alarm bell which mercilessly rang every morning.

This was also the case on that particular sunday. As an exception I had promised my boss to develop some important photos for a newspaper. It was summer and in the morning already so warm that I would have loved to go to work in my underwear. On my way to work I purchased some rolls and jam in case we got hungry.

I was more than surprised when I realized that my boss was not in the shop. Instead of him someone else opened the door for me. A young man, maybe six or seven years older than me. He looked at me with his big blue eyes: “Oh, good morning! Please come in!“ He closed the door behind me. „Please excuse the mess. I could not find the photo paper. Oh and by the way, my name is Phillip. I am the substitute. You must be Lucy. Glad to meet you. Unfortunately, I was not told where all the things were to be found. Maybe you can help me?" He looked at me in embarrassment.

I showed him where everything was and we worked the whole day to develop the photos. Of course we did not sit there in silence. He told me about his studies and his family. And also that one day he wanted to live in Westend London and be a famous Photographer.

It was fun talking to him. He was much more intelligent than most boys my age. He also practically interested in everything. Especially the fine arts. He loved the opera and theater. His favorites play was “Romeo and Juliette” and he was able to recite every single verse. Just listening to him fascinated me. The time passed as fast as it never had before.

It was already dark when we left the photo laboratory. Phillip was a real gentleman and even brought me up to my front door. Supposedly he was concerned that someone would rob me.

I was a little shy because it had never happened before that a man escorted me home. At that time I was not very interested in a relationship anyway. But that day I felt a little different. Phillip said he would be back at the studio the day after. Strangely this time I could not wait for my alarm bell to ring.

On the next day my friends were very surprised that the only topic I wanted to talk about was my Sunday. They claimed that I must have be in love, but that was of course utter nonsense. Such a thing would not happen to me. Still, there was a strange sensation in my tummy.

Radiant and with my books under my arm I was on my way to work. But there I was crestfallen. No Phillip. I couldn't hide my disappointment.

Somewhat discontent I started with my work. It was not difficult for my employer to notice: “Oh Lucy, I ought to send you warm regards from Phillip. Unfortunately he could not come today. He has an important job interview at the court as a photographer in London. Come on, smile! He has not forgotten about you.” He smiled at me.

Smiling, right. As if my mood had something to do with some guy… Well unfortunately it had. Of course I felt much better after that I had heard that Phillip had not forgotten about me. It made me proud and happy that he did not think of me as still young and foolish. With this message in mind my work became easy and fun again.

Weeks and month went by. Phillip and I were a good team. He was always friendly even if I made a mistake. He never resented me.

We spend our lunch breaks together and he told me about the latest plays he watched or interesting architecture. He even helped me with my homework. Sometimes we sat on a blanket in the park and he listened as I learned vocabularies. Then he took my book and tested me. This way we learned for my final exam. When the day came I passed my exam with A+. I could never have done this without Phillip.

I bought him a new issue of “Romeo and Juliette” and ran to the studio for the last time. Out of breath I opened the door, but to my surprise he was not there. I looked around but there was no trace of Phillip. What had happened?

„Ah Lucy! It's such a pity you are leaving us today. Look, I have made you a photo series from all of us. So you will not forget us,“ my boss said. And there he was, smiling at me from a photo – Phillip. „That's for you my sweetheart. Phil left it for you. I wish you the very best for your future, curly-head. If you ever in need, you can always come back to us. You were the best assistant we ever had.“

I did not fully understand what my boss was telling me, I could only stare on the letter. A letter? Why did he wrote me a letter? This could not mean anything good.

I remember that day very well. It was just before christmas and it was very cold. It seemed to me that it has never been this cold before. There I was, lost, with the present for Phillip in my hand. In shock I had taken it with me. And then there was his letter. But this had to wait for a bit, first of all I had to get my train to London. My mother was waiting for me.

IV

 Unpunctual as ever the train left the station. I was still confused. When I finally managed to get a seat, I pulled the letter out of my pocket. It was written on beautiful handmade paper and it had his initials as watermark. The letter was as bonny and interesting as he was. Where has he been? Fearful, yet curious I opened the letter and unfolded it.

“My dearest Lucy,

I am very sorry that I cannot be with you today.

I got a job as a photographer and for the time being I am send abroad. Please don’t be sad. I had really hoped that

I could see you one last time, before you go into

the wide world.

I would be very pleased if you could write me.

Or you could visit our studio.

I would really love to have a picture of you

with your brown curls and your green eyes, your

beautiful bright smile and your great figure.

Please pardon that expression. I

would be most happy if we could meet again someday.

But till then I hope we can stay in contact.

I wish you and your mother a merry Christmas and

I hope to hear from you soon.

Please take care of yourself.

Love Phillip.”

I had tears in my eyes. He had not forgotten me. He even liked me. And now he was gone. Life was unfair. But I had his address. However before I could even think about it any further, I arrived in London. I put the letter and his picture into my diary. No one should know about him. He was my little secret. My little heartthrob.

My mother was more than happy to have me back in her arms. It has been nearly one year until we have last seen each other.

The apartment looked different. You could see my mother's touch. She had worked hard. The walls were newly papered and also the fireplace and the carpet were new. She had furnished a room for me, just the way I always wanted it. I felt at home immediately. My mother lighted the fireplace and made hot chocolate for us. Then we talked all night about anything and everything. She told me how things were at her work and that she had found a job for me at a famous hotel. I was so very proud to begin this work. After all that would mean I had the chance to work a lot abroad. Of course I would stay with my mom for now. But my life would start soon. It was very late when we went to bed that night. But before I lay down to sleep I examined the picture of Phillip one more time. Then I closed my eyes and fell fast asleep. Finally back at home. What a wonderful feeling. Only then I realized how much I have missed my home.

The next morning no alarm clock rang. My mother let me sleep as long as I wanted to. It was nearly noon when I finally woke up. She had made a wonderful turkey with dumplings and vegetables. The Christmas presents already lay under the tree by the fireplace. And above the fireplace hung a picture of my father. “He would have been so proud of you,” my mother said. I felt that she was still very attached to him even though quite a few years had passed since his death. I made her the present of an album for her photos and a portrait of myself. Immediately  she put the picture on the fireplace where everyone could see it. She was so proud of her little Lucy.

I still remember what I got. She gave me a white wool sweater and two tickets for the opera.

The opera… The very first time in my life I would hear an opera. I was so very excited.

After church it was finally time for us to get dressed for the opera.

All the time I had to think about Phil and all the things he had told me about the cultural life in London. At last I was part of it. Finally I was able to discover those things and I loved it.

I also loved “La Traviata” and everything about it. What a wonderful story. I could not believe how much emotion you could express with music. It was not necessary to understand the text. You just had to feel it in your heart. In the end I could not hold my feelings and pulled out my handkerchief. How wonderful this evening was. It was totally true what they say: Either you love the opera or you hate it. And if you love it, then it will be forever.

What a marvelous day. My mother knew exactly how she was able to indulge me. Exhausted I fell into my bed that night, still remembering the music I have just heard.

Just one more day and Christmas would be over, I thought in the morning. That was actually quite sad because right the next day I would start my new work. Then pampering would be over. But before that happened we planned to bless other people.

Even the people in the poor houses of London should feel that it had become Christmas. Every Sunday my mother went there and brought food, warm clothes or anything else to the poor. It was heartbreaking for her to see the little children there. She organized toys and warm blankets for them and also made sure that it was meticulously paid attention to hygiene. Today she wanted to show me why we had no reason for complaining and sadness. And also why we should appreciate every pence we owned.

It was a terrible smell in that house. It was musty and smelled a little like urine and vomit. There was no trace of hygiene. Old people wandered through the corridors. It made me a little afraid. They made a strange appearance to me because I was not used to it. Mother said I should not act squeamishly. Finally it was not always their fault. I assumed my mother felt guilty because her boss canceled a lot of their rental agreement when they could not pay for their rent anymore. She thought it was unfair because the financial situation in London was more than worse. Also with many hours of hard work we still did not have much money. So she tried to help these people in her own way.

As we continued up the stairs I noticed a change since it became more and more clean. Here lived the families with the children. That was when I realized how much impact my mother’s engagement had. The children immediately came to her and sat on her lap. They embraced and caressed her. I was so proud of her. That was exactly the kind of person I wanted to be.

That was when I made the decision to go with her every single Sunday and also make my contribution as well. That Christmas we brought them food and warm clothes and in the end we all sang carols together. We talked the whole evening and the fates of those families made me think. Nevertheless what happened, man and woman kept together. They did not need any luxury – they did just need each other. Love was all that mattered for them.

Thoughtful I went to bed. Love was all we needed, of course. No amount of money could ever replace that. I did not know why, but at that moment I could only think of Phil. Was I in Love? No, absolutely not. Then I fell asleep.

V

The very first day at work was strange for me. I had never worked in a large company. Everything was new for me and it would take a while for me to adjust.

Timid I went through the imposing building and knocked at my boss's door. Mr. Richards was an older man with grey hair. He was very kind and made me feel welcome. That gave me a lot of confidence. If he accepted me nothing could go wrong. At that time it was not quite appropriate to have a career as a women. Most girls at my age were already married and took care of the home. But I did not want that for now. My foyer looked nice and tidy. Mr. Richard explained the filing system to me and also gave me my monthly schedule. I could not believe what I was seeing. Very soon I would have to visit Paris and New York. It was like if a dream came true. Of course I worked hard to proof that I was worthy of this position. No one should be disappointed by me.

Unfortunately, that was much harder than I had imagined. It was not easy to work with so many men. I had to demonstrate my abilities and went through many difficult trials. Above all, one of my colleagues was very old school. He thought that women belonged to the kitchen and not an office desk. Every day he called me to perform some stupid tasks. He especially enjoyed it if he had audience so he could embarrass me the most. He made me pick up the trash and other stupid things, because he thought women were of no other use at the office. Well what should I say. I endured it and smiled and smiled. Something I was good at. Complaining to my boss would only cause more trouble and I did not want to look like a weak little sneak. Therefore I thought about a strategy to pay it back to him. But my revenge would have to wait a bit because first there was a big surprise. A business trip to Paris was scheduled for a conference of all hotel heirs. I was so excited I could not wait for the day to come. The very first time in a foreign city. And especially the famous city of love. Too bad I would travel alone. I would have loved some company. I wondered what Philip would be doing right now. The voice of my mother interrupted my thoughts. She wanted to be sure that my suitcase was packed safely. Even though I was very able of packing a suitcase, your mother always knows best. It felt like being 12 again, but it made her happy and so I did not complain. It is amazing – it does not matter how old you are in some regards you always stay a little child. For that she got a bit kiss from me.

Then my journey began. We went to Dover by train and boarded a ship there to Calais. And finally we had to travel by train again to Paris. It was a long journey but it was worth it.

When we boarded the ship the sea was very rough. Luckily I was not afraid of getting sea sick. I liked the rough sea and I especially loved how the spray beat against the windows. I even dared to go outside for some fresh air. Unfortunately a pretty big wave hit us at that moment and I became soaking wet. With a crestfallen look I went inside again and some laughter was heard. I quickly grabbed my bag and pulled out some new clothes. After all I did not want to catch a cold. And definitely not now. Afterwards I went to sleep. In those days the passage took more time than today. The ships were not nearly as fast. But it was also much more adventurous than today. After all you did not really know what would await you. I did not sleep very well that night. I was too excited. How would France be like?

Finally we reached Paris. The city of love. The sight of the Eiffel Tower astonished me. It was much bigger than I had imagined.

Unfortunately I did not have much time for my astonishment, because I was immediately flooded with work. But I did not care at all. Nothing could take away my joy about being in Paris. Would it be possible for me to visit the Moulin Rouge or go window shopping at those expensive stores? But I did not forget that I had to concentrate first. I wanted to make a good expression. Also I hoped that my work could distract me from thoughts about a certain man. How would it feel if he would be here with me? We would probably visit the Louvre or talk about the architecture of the city. Smiling I pulled away from my thoughts and concentrated on my translation. I had to work in my room because there was no other place for. I loved it because this way I could see the Eiffel Tower from my window.

Late in the afternoon something amazingly