Nikolay Lakutin
There are gaps in the teeth for such jokes. A play for 10 people. Comedy

A play for 10 people (5 male roles, 5 female roles).

Comedy. Duration 1 hour.

We plant a young girl of attractive appearance in the hall. She goes in the same way with everyone on the call, without arousing suspicion. We seat her on the first row approximately in the middle.

ACTORS

Tolik is a humorist husband.

Dasha is Tolik's wife.

Ksyusha is an accidental victim of circumstances.

Andrey is Ksyusha's husband.

A decoy girl.

Three girls with a cameo role.

Three men with a cameo role (Misha, Sasha, Anton).

The role of a decoy girl and the role of one of the three girls in the park can easily be played by one actress.

Scene 1. Tolik's House

Positive dynamic music is playing.

Tolik is wearing a kitchen apron around the apartment. He is cheerful, cheerful, charged. Kitchen apron in flour. In the hands of Tolik, then a rolling pin, then a baking sheet, then a saucepan with flour, then bags with baking powder and cocoa.

He's running around with all this, fussing, running in and out of the room from different sides of the stage.

The music stops.

And so, finally, he solemnly and decorously carries a homemade cake on a platter. Puts it on the table. Admires, is touched, admires.

Tolik (positively). Here … after all, don't say anything, but a homemade cake, it will never compare with a store-bought one, and even if it is thawed and frozen ten times there. With all sorts of harmful additives there, to keep the form, the term stood. Not… not that. But this is another matter. Here…

He sniffs the cake, savors the sense of smell and facial expressions, admires himself.

Tolik (reproachfully to himself). Ah… God knows, I wanted to wait for my darling, but no… It's beyond my strength.

Grabs the cake, takes it to the kitchen.

Tolik (leaving). What's the difference. It's all the same to cut… and besides, I won't eat all of it. (Suggesting to himself) Less self-flagellation! Despondency and confusion are not a person's best friend.

From the kitchen, you can hear savoring, champing, drinking. In a word, it is obvious that Tolik is already eating cake there.

The doorbell rings.

Tolik returns well-fed, satisfied, with a mug in his hand. There is a satisfied smile of a March cat on his face, stroking his tummy contentedly.

He opens the door. Enter the nervous Dasha. She has bags in her hands.

Dasha (indignantly). Tolik, holy shit, what's taking so long? My hands are already stretched to the heels.

Dasha puts the bags down, sighs with relief.

Dasha (indignantly). I didn't want to put the bags on the floor on the landing, collect different infections. My hands are busy, I can't get the keys. What took you so long? (Suspicious)

Tolik (cheekily, in a satisfied voice, sipping tea from a mug and scratching his belly). And you know…, Anechka and I had a perfectly good time in the kitchen, (with lust, savoring, slightly closing our eyes from pleasure) How am I her…

Tolik does not have time to finish, because he gets a "bream". Sonorous and capacious. Dasha belligerently rushes to the kitchen after slapping her husband in the face.

Dasha (boldly, running away to the kitchen). Where is this well? Now I'm her…

Tolik rubs his cheek after the blow, but still smiles.

Noise is heard from the kitchen. Stools are clearly falling. Shelves rattle, a couple of plates and pots fall.

Dasha (angrily shouts from the kitchen). Where did you go? Threw it out the window? Anka! Come out, you sneaky coward! Let's talk…

Dasha comes out out of breath, blows her hair off her face, puts her hands on her hips. She nods questioningly to her husband.

Dasha (defiantly, belligerently). Well?

Tolik (playing on nerves). What?

Dasha (defiantly, belligerently). Where have you gone, admit it! I 'll find it anyway…

Tolik (playing on his nerves). Whom?

Dasha (as loudly as possible, audaciously, on nerves).

Dasha starts rushing around the stage, looking for her Anechka!!! Looks around, looks into all corners, does not find, rushes. Comes to the forefront.

Dasha (nervously, rapaciously looking around the auditorium). I know you're here, I feel it. Only the wife is out of the door, so, and here already there are all sorts…

Dasha glares at our decoy girl. She sits, behaves adequately, like other viewers.

Dasha (to the decoy girl). Aah… found it, I think. Here she is, sitting, an infection. Lurking. I thought I wouldn't find it! Now I'm going to take your hair off…

Dasha jumps off (climbs, gets off, runs around, depending on the features of the scene) from the stage and throws herself at our decoy girl, while shouting natural literary curses to the best of her ability.

!!!

Here it is important to quickly grab our decoy girl by the breasts or by the hair or at least for something and throw her on the stage until socially active viewers come to their senses and stand up for (as it seems to them) an ordinary ordinary viewer.

!!

Dasha (to the decoy girl, grabbing her by the hair). She's hiding here, sitting. Now I'm going to explain to you, such a parasite, how to visit other people's husbands (you can add something from yourself, according to the place and situation, but not too abusive-vulgar).

A decoy girl (screams, behaves naturally for the viewer, given the situation). Aaaaa.... Woman, are you out of your mind! Let me go immediately, because I can even give back!

There is a struggle of the ladies already on stage, it is better to roll away from the proscenium, so it is safer in terms of the possible reaction of the audience trying to understand something and take action. Tolik peacefully watches all this, with a sneaky smile and interest, sipping tea.

Dasha (to the decoy girl, getting fiercer by the second). What? What did you say there? Change?

Dasha lets go of our decoy girl, they disperse for a few seconds – they run away, get better, look at each other with hatred.

Dasha (to the decoy girl, hitting herself in the chest). Well, come on, pregnant. Show what you're capable of, be brave. Well? What? Scared? And? And? Well, well!

The ladies are grappling with squeals and squeaks. They fall on the stage, roll on the floor.

Tolik, meanwhile, finishes his tea, puts the mug on the table, watching everything that is happening without much interest. But now he gets tired of it.

Tolik (with understanding, surrendering his position with deliberate guilt). Okay, okay, calm down, leave the man alone … I'll show you Anya, so be it.

The ladies let go of each other, push themselves apart.

Tolik deliberately walks away guiltily towards the kitchen. Our decoy girl hurriedly goes backstage, finally snorting Dasha.

The decoy girl (nervously, indignantly, addressing Dasha). Hysterical!

Dasha looks back at the decoy, but does not say anything to her, turns to Tolik, glares at her husband.

Tolik turns to Dasha, suspending his move.

Tolik (leaving, Dasha, apologetically, begging, sincerely). Only, dear, please, keep yourself in hand…

Dasha is shaking. She barely restrains herself so as not to jerk like an over-boiled kettle. She growls, moans, tears and throws. Will tear up everyone and everyone now.

Tolik leaves.

Dasha is trying to control herself.

Tolik returns from the kitchen. He carries a saucer in his hand, on which there are only a few pieces of cake.

Tolik (deliberately guilty, with a guilty head). Here.

Tolik defiantly pushes the saucer with the cake forward, guiltily misses his gaze and head.

Dasha (confused, in mixed feelings). What is it? I mean, here? What are you putting a cake under my nose here? (Strictly, defiantly) Where is your Anechka?

Tolik (barely restraining victorious laughter). Here it is…

Tolik giggles and points to the pieces of cake he has brought.

Dasha (confused, in mixed feelings, nervous). What do you mean?

Tolik (barely restraining victorious laughter). The cake is called "Anechka". I baked it for you, but I didn't wait, I ate almost all of it myself.

Tolik begins to laugh openly, seeing his wife's reaction.

Dasha understands what's what, puts her hands on God, rounds her eyes and with strength and emotion gives her husband her soaked nerves and everything she has just experienced.

Dasha (as emotionally as possible, brightly loud). Su.....

Here you need a loud beeping!!!

We do not let Dasha finish her capacious word publicly, even though she completes it.

The husband blooms and smells. The joke was a success, he achieved his goal.

Dasha grabs this plate, and smears it with all her heart in Tolik's face, with great diligence smearing the remains of the cake into his shining radiant smile.

Tolik's mood is changing. He's not having fun anymore. He is silent, trying to dig out of his nose, eyes, and, well, from where the remains of the cake may be there.

Dasha freaks out, starts rushing around the room, collecting things.

Dasha (as emotionally as possible, brightly loudly). Noooo! It's impossible. You can't live like this anymore. I put up with this weirdo as long as I could, but, my dear little joker. (With decent gestures) Would you go with your jokes to…

Zapikivaem!

Dasha (as emotionally as possible, brightly loudly). In....

We kick!

Dasha (as emotionally as possible, brightly loudly). And to E....

Zapikivaem!

Dasha (as emotionally as possible, brightly loudly). … mothers!!!

Dasha continues to collect her things. He takes out a suitcase from somewhere, casually throws his belongings there.

Dasha (in the process of emergency fees). After all, my mother told me that with this homegrown KVN player, there is nothing to wait for except a shattered nervous system. (Harshly addressed to her husband) Humorist – put him in a sweatshirt!

Dasha nervously throws things right on the floor, looks into the auditorium, looking for support and compassion. Puts his hand on his heart, speaks sincerely from the Heart.

Dasha (coming to the foreground, addressing the viewer). Girls! I understand that we all want a young, mischievous, bright, witty. So that it would not be boring to live with him. To be like on a volcano.

She nods in the direction of her husband, makes a short pause in the monologue.

Dasha (to the viewer, nodding towards her husband). There… sits the pearl-spewer! Do you want such a husband perlun? Girls, don't repeat my mistakes. Let it be better to have some kind of brake, a ram, a club. It doesn't matter who, but not the joker. Because it is simply impossible to live with a joker. It's not a full house, it's not a quest, it's…

Zapikivaem! Zapikivaem! Zapikivaem! Zapikivaem! Zapikivaem!

We actively jam Dasha's emotional speeches while she mumbles something there and expounds in a fairly emotional form along with active gestures.

Dasha turns to her husband, Tolik just by this moment more or less manages to clean his face and settle down, as if nothing had happened, in some kind of a sitting place.

Dasha (viciously, a little bit). That's it! I'm confused! Goodbye!

Dasha quickly throws the remnants of things into the suitcase. She picks up what she threw from the floor, grabs a couple of other things, quickly zips it all into a suitcase and leaves, finally growling nervously.

ZTM.

Scene 2. In the park

Soft lyrical romantic music is playing. The dimmed light turns on.

Under the park lights in a romantic setting in different places there are three loving couples kissing.

The girls are standing with their backs to us, we can't see their faces. We may see some men.

These couples are doing well, everything is wonderful. Girlish giggles are heard, men gently hug their ladies, stroke them, kiss them. Love, romance, pleasure – everything is super.

Completely out of line with this picture of romanticism, Tolik comes out from somewhere on the side, there, behind the couples. He's in a very bad mood. Hands in your pants. The shirt is casually put on. Part of the shirt is tucked into the trousers, part is not. The collar is partially standing. He himself walks haggard. In general, sadness, longing, confusion.

Tolik looks at these couples with mild glances with displeasure, slowly passes between them, goes to the forefront, look into the hall with dull eyes. But now, a mischievous twinkle appears in those dull eyes. Dirty glitter and cunning. Tolik's smile begins to spread across his face. The viewer sees that this vile figure has come up with something.

Tolik stands for a few seconds with his contented dirty face, running his devilish eyes around the auditorium, pulls out a mobile phone from his pocket, and as if calling someone.

Romantic music subsides, but does not stop.

Tolik (very loudly, in all seriousness). Healthy, old man. How is he? Is it okay? Listen, here's your woman with some guy in the park kissing…

Tolik does not have time to finish the sentence, all three girls hurriedly and frantically leave their men.

With the escape of the girls, the romantic music ends.

Tolik, looking at the result of his activity, rather lowers the phone, openly laughs. He no longer looks there in the park, bends over with laughter, holds his stomach, turns towards the auditorium and tries to catch his breath from his "successful" joke.

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