Yury Gurkov
Note: To read before the wedding

1. Introduction

Your dream of your own happy family, beautiful wedding ceremony, romance and fabulous love which was born in your earliest youth will soon meet with amazing experiences of the reasons of its success or rather failures. Every teenager tries to form grain by grain the ideal partner in his or her head and this process gives to the person slight euphoria, happiness that is born in the depth of one’s heart. The dream to be happy leads to a natural increase in the level of endorphins in the blood. And this improves mood, well-being, generate light smiles and slight breath-holding even when the person is alone. This wish – to meet your couple is absolutely natural for those who is not even 20 years old and for those who is after 50.

How old are you? Are you still thinking about your own happiness? Do you want to understand this question and to compare the failures of the others with your own expectations? Then this book will be a breath of fresh air, especially if you still didn’t find the one and only. After reading this book you will figure out all the details. The material that is further will help you to find your half successfully.

What can be more important than being a healthy and happy person? Everyone is looking for happiness. The book «To read before the wedding» is a key to the door of happiness, behind which is full and colorful love, wonderful family relationships and a happy childhood for your children and grandchildren in the future.

This is a table book for both young girls and women who want to get a happy marriage from the first time and in any other cases. Rereading this book at every age you can find out your past mistakes, see the roots of the problems and help yourself to build and maintain the marriage you dreamt of. For parents – it is an appeal to create a new layer in the upbringing of their children. This invocation cannot be avoided.

The very first and the most important choice for the young people (who reached adulthood) becomes perhaps the most important choice in the life in order to be happy or happy with the prefix “un”.

How to choose a husband/a wife in order to be happy, to have a friendly and strong family, to be good in the upbringing of the children, to get relationships with the spouse you dreamt of for the many years? What to pay attention to before making this important step in your life – to choose a future spouse?

It depends on you, you will say. That is how majority tells when the conversation on the topic of choosing your soul mate begins. It can be compared with the color palette, in which a few dozen colors from red to purple. Like in the famous proverb “Richard of York gains battles in vain”. In their answers people say that they choose their half only by looking at the red or at the yellow with purple, others – at the combination of orange, green and blue. Such answers are too unilateral, not full, formed in a very strange way. As each color has many intermediate shades and halftones and the same is in choosing a future husband or wife – a huge number of positive and negative characteristics. They should be known at first and figured out before the wedding in order your rainbow of family relationships will cause such a pleasant delight as the original which we can see in nature. When you will read this book till the end, you will make sure, to your great surprise, that it will change your vision.

THE VERY FIRST AND THE MOST IMPORTANT CHOICE FOR THE YOUNG PEOPLE (WHO REACHED ADULTHOOD) BECOMES PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT CHOICE IN THE LIFE IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY OR HAPPY WITH THE PREFIX “UN”.

Are you in love? Congratulations! Or it is in the past but you still remember your first love. Is it enough to create a family? Will your family be happy for a long time with this person? Do you know why more than 50 % of marriages in Russia break up? Where does love disappear? The love that made you sing and fly, closing your eyes from the dizzying happiness. Are you on the way to update this sad statistics? If you don’t know how to ponder, analyze, understand people and see them, “look into the future” through the prism of many factors and actions of your beloved – unfortunately, you are on this way.

If you have already said “YES” after the beautiful speech at the wedding ceremony: “Dear bride and groom! Today is the most beautiful and unforgettable event in your life. Creating a family – is the beginning of a good union of two loving hearts. From this day you will go through the life hand in hand, together experiencing both the joy of happy and grief days. Creating a family you have voluntarily accepted a great duty to each other and to the future of your children. Before the beginning of the ceremony, I’d like you to confirm whether your decisions to become a couple, to create a family are sincere, mutual and free”, means that thinking about the choice is too late, but it’s not late to compare the results and how your criterions were enough to create a happy family.

The words “accepted a great duty to each other and to the future of your children” are heard by very few people. The majority is not acutely conscious of these words in the registry office. If your feet have not reached the threshold of the Registry, your future is in your present day to make you thinking about the decision that will be a great duty soon. The duty to preserve the father to the children, the husband to yourself, the happiness and love for the whole life. So the choice of the betrothed is an infinitely important question.

We begin to understand and compartmentalize, how to do it.

2. «To read before the wedding» – «time machine» for youth and adults

You are reading the book which tries to do an impossible thing – like a time machine it tries to move you forward in your developmental growth. Be attentive – all the changes will be for the better. Especially if you are young and you haven’t already collected engagement rings. Rings which can signify many years of living together with a bad ending in almost 60 marriages out of 100. This “time machine” will help you to look at the issues of choosing a life partner from the position of your future life in case if you choose a partner without changing anything in your life. Of course I understand that a reader now has a million questions and objections: “Do I need this journey into the future? How does it work? Why is it written about this fantasy – travelling through time?

But for somebody this journey isn’t forward, it is backward – the journey into the past. The past where you were in the Registry, saying YES to the lover of your life, changing your surname. And for those who are travelling back it also should be extremely interesting – how is it – to choose correctly? Where did I make an unforgivable mistake?

The answer can be like in the famous proverb “it is never too much for a good thing”. Those who have already been an old hand at unprepared relationships or divorced will certainly remember their past mistakes, reading these lines. These people would certainly use the “time machine” in their days when they were young and free in order to make this time journey and to do “too much for a good thing”. It hurts both mentally and physically because breakups and divorces happen hard in most cases. How many children who are upbringing in incomplete families? How many fathers they have who don’t love them as an own children? How many young women who are not fighting for their happiness anymore? Who are drowning in different silly pleasures? How many people are curing their souls after all the humiliations in their unhappy marriages?

THOSE WHO HAVE ALREADY BEEN AN OLD HAND AT UNPREPARED RELATIONSHIPS OR DIVORCED WILL CERTAINLY REMEMBER THEIR PAST MISTAKES, READING THESE LINES. THESE PEOPLE WOULD CERTAINLY USE THE “TIME MACHINE” IN THEIR DAYS WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND FREE IN ORDER TO MAKE THIS TIME JOURNEY AND TO DO “TOO MUCH FOR A GOOD THING”.

For this reason somebody wants to start his or her “time machine” today. You will get mentally older and more practical in choosing a life partner without celebrating birthdays and getting presents but still young and attractive. You have an advantage, a privilege to read it now. Some women are getting wiser only with wrinkles on their faces, with nasolabial folds, with hands that became weather-beaten. Women who are trying to maintain their attractiveness with face creams and masks. These are mostly the imprints of tears because of the divorces and mournful breakups after the wedding. The guidebook with correction of mistakes is ready for you.

You can read and grow up. Grow up with new thinking, with capacity to reflect and with knowledge of the life stories of other people who live near you. These people are elder and they were also thinking that they knew everything about relationships. And now they know that at that time they were young and absolutely not ready for the wedding. You have a unique chance not to do all these mistakes, to save your dream about the ideal wedding without scars of problems. Learn from other’s mistakes, promising to yourself never to repeat them. These are costly mistakes in choosing a husband that lead your life to the turbulence zone.

Thanks to everyone who told about their failures in the interview. Now we invite the reader to plunge further because we are just beginning to delve into the details of choosing a husband or a wife. It is like you touch water (is it warm enough?) to go swimming. Is it interesting for you to learn much about this theme? Take a breath and dive together with “time machine” making pauses and replaying special situations at new or controversial moments.

3. The choice of a spouse – the problem with many unknowns

Let’s go back to choosing of a life partner. So, what is so necessary to find out in the passionate relationships when you are only 200 months old? Oh, by the way, do you know what does it mean? How many years? Will you manage to calculate it in 5 seconds without a calculator? I will count down from five: one…two…three… Do you have an answer? You have two more seconds… Four…five! And once more to blow out your brains, 500 months – how many is it in years? These tasks will help you to be in good shape because you have to think deeply, remember and analyze. You can talk out loud or ask for the help from someone who is close, maybe after your recommendation he or she will decide to read the book and be happy. You can share this book with your partner or give a hint about it, but first it is better to have a head start. And while he will be reading after you, there will be a unique process in your head, – like in a computer – «reboot». Rebooting allows computer to use a newly installed program, this book will load you with a completely new evaluation system and a strategy for choosing a groom.

You will be able to look into the windows of different people’s family stories without disturbing those who are behind the glass. They agreed to put you in front of this “window”, so you do not make the same mistakes. Highlight for yourself those moments that you have already met. Stay a bit longer on those that according to your views could not happen. Check yourself, – are not you on the same way?

The process of choosing a husband – is the same set of rules and “formulas”, where after the sign “=” should be – Yes, he is the best one. It is a problem without many unknowns. There are more than one or two issues. And there are two golden rules:

1) do not hurry;

2) Check your partner on all counts in order not to marry “a pig in a poke” and clearly understand all your risks and possible future difficulties in every situation: in everyday life, while dealing with important issues such as how and on what spend money, how to spend your free time. Maybe there is a chance that your husband/wife will be an alcoholic or an addicted person. Will your partner make surprises for you or will there be a place for romantic evenings even if you are tired after work? Will he/she support you in your career? And who is the head of the family in the long run? It is not strange that the last theme about the family head is the honey pie for all women. And both partners in the newborn family use their best tactics to win this battle. Let me show you some examples.

It is clear (and almost there is a part of logic) that it should be the man who is the head, and the second role – for the woman. But who said that this simple and plain logic is unambiguous? In fact, it is the cornerstone in all the cracks in the families. There are plenty of combinations even in this issue. And, for example, the man thinks he is a leader, a real head of the family…But! The trickiest girl knows that her partner is only a neck. This means that there is no matter what the head thinks, the neck will turn wherever it wants. But the guy is very much on the ball. He knows that his crush is a bit rustic and knows all her thoughts and intentions. He specifically plays into the hands of her with all “turnings the neck” as if it was she who decided like that. So, the girl relaxes. And at this stage the girl celebrates the victory because she managed to play “the game”. At the same time she took him to the exhibition, against which he was all the previous year. And he thus managed to convince her to go camping for a week, despite the fact that she used to say about such journeys «over my dead body». And who is the simpleton? Who is the winner? It is possible that after such “cruise” she will climb down and allow him to go to the bars once or twice a month. And after two or three glasses of beer he will share his experience of finding compromises with his friends and new acquaintances.

AFTER ALL, TO LIVE WITH ONE PERSON ALL THE LIFE – IS THE HARDEST WORK, CAUSE IN THIS SPHERE YOU HAVE TO BE YOURSELF WITH ALL THE MINUSES AND PLUSES, BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT MANAGE TO HIDE THEM.

I do not think these are all the unknowns in such multilayered task as choosing the right lover for a family life. After all, to live with one person all the life – is the hardest work, cause in this sphere you have to be yourself with all the minuses and pluses, because you will not manage to hide them. And the majority are not ready either for the practical choice, or to assess their future difficulties in relations with your own half, arising from the qualities of your future husband or wife. You are not ready to solve this problem? You have to weigh all the details and check the answers:

– what will happen then, if he already raises his voice in the quarrels?

– what happens if he thinks about the work even on the dates?

– will he take care of me if I have a heavy bag with books and he notice it in hour and a half?

– how it will be – to live with him in one house, if he never offered a help when I was doing some household chores?

– what happens if he is talking with several girls in the chats now, saying they are from the work?

Further all is tedious and banal: if you hastened or missed out some details, – abide by the circumstances, cultivate your best abilities in order to agree well and save your family. Somebody even starts to study psychology at the university, others (due to their characters or philosophy, mindset or something else) shut the door with a bang, leave their families and divorce. Their replies to the simple questions like «What was the big rush?» are the most obscure, they sounds lame in their own ears. It shows that their mind was resting or sleeping in that very moment. But it turns out that without the mind you will not success in choosing your life partner. What are the consequences of the compulsive and reckless love?

4. Divorce in Russia. Historical information. Experience of other countries

Divorce in Russia were rare even 100 years ago. For example, in the pre-revolutionary period, due to the way of life that led most of the population, divorces were an exception:

– The first reason was the farm. It was a kind of a barrier. Women could not do all the work themselves. Farming was the only income for majority, so it was not beneficial to break up with the half;

– The second reason was the church that maintained the value of the family and had negative attitude towards divorce.

The Communist party and the total control of the moral image in the USSR were the next obstacles for those who had decided to come out of relationships. People who were in the parties were afraid of being judged by their colleagues. Over and above, there was the possibility of exclusion from the party because of divorce. Komsomol members were in the similar situation. This ideological press held even those who had real problems in their marriages, those who wanted to break up.

According to statistics the number of divorces after the collapse of the Soviet Union increased 4–5 times. The leading role is taken by Portugal. 67 marriages out of 100 break up. There are also a lot of divorced couples in the Czech Republic, Hungary and Spain – 65 out of 100. USA and Russia have the same number – 57. The best statistics are in Norway, Germany, Australia and Canada. The number of divorces there is less than in the other countries, – only 40 % or a bit more.

Perhaps you should look for a husband in Ireland, if you want to have more guarantees that the marriage will not break up. The Irish get divorced only 15 times out of 100. If you thoroughly prepare your marriage and the marriages of your children, making them strong and stable, the statistics in your country will also change for the better.

Nowadays, in our consumer society, when the desire to have different benefits of civilization – a car, various household appliances, new mobile phones, live and travel on credit – the value of the marriage itself has also become a kind of consumer, not so important. Well, for example – a person got married once, but the cake was dough, so he or she will marry once again or twice. The same thing is with loans. Not all people pay debts on time, having from 3 to 5 at the same time. These people always say: “It is okay. I will pay later.” Oftentimes, this happens with marriages too: people get married quickly as if they are in a hurry, and break up, as if parting with an old smart phone. Now it is almost normal to hear "my daughter divorced her husband or they lived in a civil marriage or after breakup she is alone with the child."

When we have such a statistic we can easily find out some stories about unhappy relationships even in our inner circle. Young people began to perceive divorce as a kind of something normal. But it should not be so. Dead wrong!

Here is the other statistic which shows the relationships between the years lived together and the number of divorces:

1) up to 1 year – 3,6 %;

2) 1–2 years – 16 %;

3) 3–4 years – 18 %;

4) 5–9 years – 28 %;

5) 10–19–22 %;

6) from 20 and more – 12,4 %.

From all these points we can notice that the greatest number of divorces falls on the age of 18–35 years.

Let us examine causes of divorce.

Normally, divorces are initiated by women. Activity among the male half can be seen only after their 50 years. Among the most common causes of family breakups are:

1) The lack of psychological preparedness, incompatibility of partners – 47 %;

2) alcohol abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction – 31 %;

3) infidelity, betrayal – 15 %;

4) poor living conditions – 3 %;

5) other – 4 %.

AFTER THE FIRST DIVORCE ONLY 27 % OF WOMEN REMARRY.

After the first divorce only 27 % of women remarry. If a woman ruins her marriage in her 25–30 years, then maybe after 5 years she will feel that she has no one to choose from. After 35 years, the cause of female loneliness is a clear lack of men due to high mortality. From what we can ascertain, women do not have to choose much in Russia – there are 589 thousand prisoners, 2.5 million drug addicts, of which only 600 thousand are on medical records and 12 million suffering from alcoholism.

After a long conversation about the choice of a spouse, we will certainly broach subject of successfully overcoming difficulties of living together in a family, if not in this, then in the next book.

When I am speaking on these issues, I am full of dreams about Russia. It will be great if Russian Federation would become an example of trustworthiness and faithfulness in family relationships.

5. It is hard to talk about it

What is interesting, – that one of the biggest difficulties in the topic of choosing a husband is not only the opportunity to talk about it in details or to understand what is important step by step. It is also extremely necessary to know things without which it is impossible to start moving even in your thoughts towards the wedding.

You will not be able to find such talks for a young lady for love or money, if for no other reason because she will not share her secrets. Some modest parent’s attempts to suggest "where you need to pay attention for" are always laughed out of court because of the child’s closeness and the challenges of her growing up. But in a little while this girl may herself become a mother. Some tips from the same inexperienced friends are more like the advice from one child to another – how not to share a candy.

It is difficult to talk about a comprehensive approach to choosing a husband, starting even with the fact that the ability to reflect and reason objectively is not developed in many of us, especially in young people. Both the lack of life experience and unwillingness to listen to the elders ties a hard knot in this task. Perhaps it was also the chosen by parent’s one-sided position on this issue when the teenager was still up to 16. And then there is the dominant concept of biochemistry in love. All these components not only do not make practical approach "how to choose a good husband" as clear as a bell. They no longer take into account all the concepts, often mixing them to complete confusion in the young head.

IT IS DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT A COMPREHENSIVE APPROACH TO CHOOSING A HUSBAND, STARTING EVEN WITH THE FACT THAT THE ABILITY TO REFLECT AND REASON OBJECTIVELY IS NOT DEVELOPED IN MANY OF US, ESPECIALLY IN YOUNG PEOPLE.

You cannot talk about this topic only once or twice – it will not work. I know this because I had a great experience with many people. It will not work for many reasons:

– the topic is very extensive, you need several approaches, you need time to contemplate;

– while communicating with each other, people often find it complicated to select the necessary and what is even more difficult – paramount factors for choosing a spouse.

Stereotypes can press. For example – how to choose a husband? Answer: «That should be a good guy. He should be handsome, love his wife to the moon and back and earn a lot of money. That is all!» As soon we will find out – it is not all and not all at all:

– everyone has formed views on it;

– not everyone is ready to reveal to other and speak frankly;

– the conversation often veer towards certain subject, clinging to one of the moments;

– when opinions clash, the conversation is often in an impasse;

– it is difficult to admit mistakes or gaps in this important issue;

– most part of people are closed to new in these issues, considering themselves completely right.

Tonight you are alone with the book. It is a chance to get a better handle on this issue. You can argue and disagree; it is only the opinion of the author. These questions are often very intimate, deeply internal. And yet, it is uncustomary to analyze this topic, and this can be seen in the examples below and in the examples of people living next to you.

Consistent consideration of many components of the choice of a life partner is collected through frank and blatant interviews of people of different ages living in different cities and countries. And each of them gives you the opportunity to see the mistakes of the characters. Also there are some answers to questions and you have the chance to draw a conclusion on your own. It is not hard to notice that until we do not go deeply into this topic, everything seems right, good, like it should be. Well, what is that got to do with you – who and how is choosing a husband or a wife? All people are independent, they will figure it out in their own. What is more, it seems not really correctly to stick one’s nose into this question.

You can not pry into and leave things as they are, but when you remember that the reason for most divorces is a woman up to 50 years who suddenly (after the marriage) found that she had married the wrong person, it is clear that "sticking a nose" is simply necessary. That she was not prepared for ‘life as a couple’ with her husband and she was incompatible with him – like other 47 % of couples which are incongruous. What is that compatibility? How could she be so superficial in cognition of her future husband? How could she marry him? Now highlight this point in bold and check your compatibility on fundamental issues for you before the wedding.

Next time you will pass by the registry office and see happy couples waiting for their turn to be married, you can boldly delete every second couple from the family relationships. Very soon the market of brides and grooms will have these broken hearts after the first incompatibility. And again with the same zealous zeal they will look for the soul mate. But now they will be already in the status of «experienced», "knowing life", and after the second divorce they will become «professionals», just not in the way is needed and so on.

Maybe all that is what you think and you do not talk to anyone. You can find some practical and judicious people with whom the communication will be easygoing in order to listen to other points of view, to listen to yourself from the side. After reading there is every likelihood that you will discover a lot of new things and change your mind. You will start a new movement – "Happiness to every home". Let’s start with your own.

6. All we need is love

Remember what feelings fill most of us when we start watching a beautiful romantic movie or a clip about a love story, when the mawkish sweetly frames replace each other… At first the main characters do not know each other and live their own lives, waiting and believing that they will meet a fabulous love. They make attempts to find it, get disappointed, do their daily chores, but we are already beginning to feel this clue, skillfully twisted by the author or the director. The clue that slowly begins to twist into bright, satin, fluttering in the wind tapes of beautiful relationships. It starts when the first sympathy and timid steps to meet each other halfway appear. When we watch the movie – we begin to empathize. Even the pulse of the majority can be pleasantly quickened, because all these scenes can resonate with our own experience. We wait for this love, these emotions, look for them and often meet only on the screens of cinemas or in the books. Why? This genre of books is very popular and popular for hundreds of years.

AND NOW PLEASE ASK YOURSELF: "HOW MANY HAPPY FAMILIES HAVE I EVER SEEN WHERE BOTH THE ROMANCE AND SENSUAL RELATIONSHIPS PERSIST FOR DECADES?" GUESS THE ANSWER IS – TOO LITTLE!

And now please ask yourself: "How many happy families have I ever seen where both the romance and sensual relationships persist for decades?" Guess the answer is – too little! So we read and we look in order to (at least) empathize and be happy for a while. Even the tears may well up when the final chords sound in these fictional stories always with gorgeous background or fabulous beauty of landscapes behind. Moreover, the music from these episodes is always strongly associated with them and we will always remember it. Songs and melodies remain in our memory because with the help of music our consciousness gives us these beautiful sketches that we saw on the screen. It is extremely pleasant for us – love, feelings and experiences, for which we are sometimes ready to go to the end of the world as the characters of the film. You can hear a very quiet "eh…" from rising from the seats people in the cinema. The pressing wave of the happy end of the love story engulfs the audience. In that sound «eh» hide pleasure, quiet joy, a bit of sadness and hope.

It would be easier to give you a good, real example from somebody’s life at the beginning of the book, and it could set the tone for the whole story. But no, I was not lucky, I lived a little more than 5 265 000 hours and have not yet had the opportunity to meet such an example. Maybe you have such?

Despite the age the overwhelming majority of us want something kin to it! We want to be happy as the heroes of the novel or even better – brighter, more fervently and we dream about the person to whom we can give ourselves and give him or her everything unreservedly. It is very important to stop here for a while and read the next paragraph more slowly.

Full-fledged happiness of two hearts is when both want to give themselves to another, to take care of the beloved with creative constancy, but not other combinations. For example, one gives himself to love, and he «tolerates» the other, or both, burned out after the bouquet period or the first years of marriage, live as with a relative and nothing more – there are no rushing embraces at a run, no surprises and romance, no flirting before the coming night and etc. Under the creative constancy is indicated the whole family life, in which at all stages – in 20 or when you are 45, or 59 – there is a place for care, affection and warm kind speech. Creativity – it is about variety of forms of caring for a spouse. It can be almost limitless if you really love. Furthermore, it is so good when there is permanence in different family traditions.

We all want to experience love every day of our lives, not envy the heroes of the films. Someone who has an unspent supply of tendance, who knows how to appreciate your actions and efforts in everyday life, in maintaining a comfortable family hearth should be next to you. And these relations must be built very thoroughly, taking into account the unmistakable choice. Now we will dive into the issues of choice from different sides to reveal something new to you, even if it seems strange or idealized at first glance.

7. The begging of the success – to learn how to analyze

Now let's tear love and happiness limb from limb. How can you manage to build your halcyon fate from the very beginning – from choosing the right candidate? Of course, this process has many other factors – after the choice, after the wedding, but we will talk about it later. As you will see, the choice of a husband or a wife is an insoluble rebus for the majority.

In no instance I do not deny that love should move the bride and groom to conclude a marriage alliance. In the book you will not find any information, any sentence or any word about it, it is made in the belief that it does not take a rocket scientist that love and attraction are on the surface.

It's just that love and appetence to each other – the way we used to understand it – are risk considerations, the reasons that separate people, if they are not thinking, contemplating or making any thought process – to think who is in front of you. Sometimes people do not think at all. We say only some beautiful words of love and longing in order to cover up our ignorance or unwillingness to analyze. So what should you pay attention to when choosing a groom, if love remains in default general and fundamental?

IT'S JUST THAT LOVE AND APPETENCE TO EACH OTHER – THE WAY WE USED TO UNDERSTAND IT – ARE RISK CONSIDERATIONS, THE REASONS THAT SEPARATE PEOPLE, IF THEY ARE NOT THINKING, CONTEMPLATING OR MAKING ANY THOUGHT PROCESS – TO THINK WHO IS IN FRONT OF YOU.

The trick is that if we do not know thoroughly our future spouse, husband or wife, love remains as if «naked», and it should be dressed not only in beautiful clothes from our romantic ideas. Love should be firstly dressed in practical clothes, which are not afraid of any quarrels that make us feel the cold inside of our hearts, or any conflicts of values, collisions of characters which make us nervous and heated, or any household fittings, or showers of tears, or reproaches or even insults.

Such «clothes» everyone should gather in his list of what he knew and definitely find a lot of new things. The attentive reader will find something new in the examples, images and his or her own reflections after each chapter.

Some comparisons and allegories will be our helpers in a long conversation. These comparisons often remain in our memory and help us to carry advice and recommendations through time. Let us turn to one of them, maybe a little strange one for girls – an example of successful fishing. We will not look at the fairytale about the goldfish, we will talk about real fishing.

In order to catch an ordinary fish the most common fisherman does not throw a fishing rod from the beach of the lake, saying that it is convenient for him or there is a sandy entrance. He makes a strategic plan. At first by studying and asking seasoned fishermen when it is better to go for the morning bite, when to the evening dawn. And dozens of specialized «secrets»: what wind will be better for the bite, million little things in gear and the peculiar features of each fish. One of them sharply and thoughtlessly falls to the hook with killer, the other on the contrary can try for hours and eat everything without getting caught. Without the ability to analyze the situation, the fisherman would have nothing to do – he simply will not catch the desired fish.

Reviewing the analogy with our topic, the desired husband can not be caught, if you also do not know the important and necessary moments: "a strategic plan, when and where to go to find a husband, which wind from the interlacing of personality traits will be favorable and which hurricane will be more feeble for the family life and of course a million little things that can be a stumbling block in the future." And to catch your own best husband, you will have to turn on the switch actuator of analytical analysis in your head and do not turn it off preferably until great age.

Couple dozen examples are waiting for you ahead. They will show you that the absence of such an assessment of a husband or a wife has led to varying degrees of consequences, which are difficult to call the little nothings of life. It is rather a disaster, disappointment, bitter crust from the sweet expectation of splendid and delicious daily communication with your loved one.

When we visit doctors, we heed a piece of their advice and recommendations on how to preserve health. Their words are very important for us, we follow them as if they are primary rules. We stop eating fat or reduce alcohol, do not overstrain the heart or vice versa – start to run, swim.

The wrong choice of the husband – it is also a disease, but not the disease of the body, but rather the «soul». It is painful to see how young and enamoured people get married very hasty or being frivolous acquainted with each other. Their future is too predictable – divorce, shock, anger towards the opposite sex and other «symptoms». Please promise yourself to hunt down a question how should be analyzed, considered and weighed long and happy family relationships before the wedding bouquet.

8. Prettiness makes no pottage

So, how does it all start? You know, it starts very simply and in most cases it is the same scheme: "Look, he is so smart!" – we say to ourselves. Of course, appearance is our advertising packaging, on which we «bite» like a fish on tasty bait. This is what we "sell and buy". Many of us have married on «packing», not having looked under it, believing, that if packing is flamboyant, beautiful and appetizing, then the content would be necessarily good.

And it was only you so lucky to meet this guy, to notice, that he is not such as all. Only he stirs yours heart of over meetings and after them. And then, after families break up, a lot of people, growing up, say the same phrase: "Now I would never marry him." Because I thought I knew him, but I married a "packing." This comparison will help you to double-check if you really know the person with whom you are going to live your life, to bear and raise children, wait for grandchildren. Is he really that one who he says is? What is there – under the "packing"?

BEAUTY INTOXICATES AND STUPEFIES THE MIND. WHILE TALKING CLOSER (INSTEAD OF A KIND, OPEN, CARING PERSON) YOU CAN OFTEN SEE A SPOILED, CAPRICIOUS, SELFISH NATURE. LIVE WITH SUCH A PERSON IN THE MARRIAGE IS CLOSER TO PUNISHMENT THAN TO PLEASURE.

A beautiful face attracts and tempts the imagination, we couldn't help but feel the joy of a lovely and regular features. Behind the beautiful face we expect to see a beautiful person in everything: a girl wants to see her Prince, a guy – his Princess. A girl will involuntarily trust more a guy with a beautiful face and she will probably easily forgive weaknesses. It would only be necessary to look once again at the bright face of the beloved Prince. So do guys, who are dreaming of the most beautiful girls. They are ready to ignore a lot of things, to lavish her with hyper-court and sometimes hyper-gifts in order to have this beauty next to him. Beauty intoxicates and stupefies the mind. While talking closer (instead of a kind, open, caring person) you can often see a spoiled, capricious, selfish nature. Live with such a person in the marriage is closer to punishment than to pleasure. You should know about this mistake. You should learn how to correct it from a young age, no later than in elementary school, so that the child learns to appreciate not only the external beauty, but more the inner world, so that appearance does not give rise to «discounts» in the evaluation of a person.

"Prettiness makes no pottage" – is a grotesque, in which we can find a great sense, – the appearance is not the most important thing and is anything but not the key point in family relations. It can be noted that people with ordinary, not the most attractive appearance and figure are much more likely to be ‘real’ people with manifestations of sensitivity, mutual respect, patience, care and tenderness. Give your network a second glance and you will find such people. Compare them with those who are considered as bright, extremely attractive, with delicate figure. And soon you will notice that communication with them is much better and comfortable. Even the classical values are sometimes higher in those who are on the «second» plan. These kinds of features are needed for a wonderful relationship of spouses.

That is why young girls still ask questions: "Why such a handsome man goes with a stout girl without hair and makeup?" Or vice versa, the gorgeous blonde with a huge smile on her face accompanies a man whose wealth is visible in all his gestures including a half-meter waist. Excluding the most obvious – an interest in money which has now become a "trump card", such a relationship can be the answer to the question: "With whom is it better? With a handsome man or with an ordinary guy?".

Does prettiness make a pottage? No. Get stuck only on the beautiful and slender? Not either. While you are thinking about the answers on these rhetorical questions, you can also remember another adage – "slow and steady wins the race".

9. Do not embellish

There is one long – standing and extremely popular mistake of young girls when they are in a hurry to get married – to finish drawing the image of their beloved in their heads. This happens at an early stage of dating, when the girl pays attention to the guy, and he managed, in return, to make a first impression. The girl so much likes his appearance! And the ‘helpful’ amorousness appears out of nowhere and gives the girl the brush and the easel. And here we can see an amazing transformation from the most ordinary guy to a real Prince. The best Prince in the world, by the way.

One of the young women said that she had never been officially married. Having given birth to a daughter in the same state (not married), she continued to look for a husband. And then one day on a walk she met a young father with a child and, as it turned out, he was raising a child without wife. He was good-looking, and his body was close to perfect, because he was a bodybuilder. It is obvious that our heroine could not help but paid attention to him. But she was too ‘hungry’ for the husband and in just six weeks of dating she managed to fall head over heels in love with him. In Russia we sometimes say "fall in love without memory" which means – be hopelessly in love. "He told good things about marriage and family" – was all she remembered about his positive characteristics. She could not remember anything else! Then she drew up in her head how good he was in everything and what a wonderful husband he would be for her and a father to their children. Now, after she has learned how to reason and evaluate her own actions a little, she said: "I think that it was very stupid." I fell in love so much that then I experienced a long depression. I considered what had happened as a collapse. When the guy found out that she was older than him, he abruptly lost interest and "ran away". Such mistakes are made by a lot of people, complementing the image of a guy with desirable qualities, which sometimes are not even close to the reality. This embellishing in pink glasses is forced by many desires – to be in love, to be loved, to get married or just have your own man.

These situations are everywhere and they are very frequent, especially with young people. Of course it is natural not only for youth. Some ladies and gentlemen who are already older than 18 years can also try to complete the picture of their crushes. Such people can join a group of ‘artists’. Why are they ‘artists’? First of all, because, knowing almost nothing about a person, having no time to understand or having no experience due to age or mental state, such great ‘artists’ embellish the image of a loved one. They finish the ‘picture’ of their beloved ones in their own heads automatically. And it happens sometimes after 2–3 bouquets of flowers or one good evening together or hanging around a month or two or after chatting in WhatsApp. They redraw in their dreams a picture of a real person to the perfect one or to the one that is very good from all sides and in all spheres.

KNOWING ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT A PERSON, HAVING NO TIME TO UNDERSTAND OR HAVING NO EXPERIENCE DUE TO AGE OR MENTAL STATE, SUCH GREAT ‘ARTISTS’ EMBELLISH THE IMAGE OF A LOVED ONE.

And now, he is kind, beautiful, caring, calm and generous, the best groom ever! If you have a smile on your face now, then there is no point in continuing to tell that this is not so easy and that all girls like to embellish.

Those people who with patience, intelligence and effort create an ideal man for themselves bit by bit in their minds can be called such ‘artists’. They met a real person with his or her own pros and cons, he or she might be ‘a loser’ or even mentally and spiritually disassembled. But these ‘artists’ draw all the missing features. Those people are ‘artists’ who help him or her to be happy, successful in marriage and career, revealing his talents. Who tell them “you are my help – mate in everyday life”, “You are so helpful in raising children”, so that this (embellished in the head) person feels like he or she is the head of the family, even if this is not quite true.

There is no serious reason to make such an exhaustive and beautiful «portrait» of a guy for a short period of time. Especially if you know that he gave his hand a couple of times when you were going down the stairs or present you your favorite perfume or a box of sweets/ chocolates or even worse – writes that he misses you and thinks about you constantly.

Naturally, each guy will have his own advantages. The main mistake is that people always cling to what they see. Lovers stop «seeing» and looking for flaws, but they must get acquainted with them, and in perfect way – before the wedding.

Please, be honest with yourself and stop finishing the image of your beloved one. And please stop suffering even knowing nothing in fact about your “hero” and ‘best man’ from all sides. And if you have a relationship in full swing or it has just begun – there is time and a lot of obligatory steps that will be described in this book. Let the brushes and bright colors lie down for a while, it is time to make detailed sketches of all the «cracks» and bends of your date but now only in pencil.

10. At 18 – it’s too early, at 30 – it’s late

Women who have married for the first time at the age of 18 are unanimous in one thing – it was "too early" and their own opinion – “I was stupid then, I did not know life”. And guys too, in many ways in 18 still have many childish and infantile habits for serious relationships. Parents of such children are often the first to see the sharp corners in the relationships of the young and with great caution go with them to the registry office, hoping that everything just is going to work out. Both – the girl and the boy – grow up being in marriage, change a lot and become real adults. Now they are obliged to get used to new manifestations of each other, sometimes to such which were not visible at all at the beginning of their married life. This is the period at the beginning of family life after marriage, when youthful ideas about love, relationships, mutual giving to each other break down reality.

In the first years of their life together, they may realize that everything is not so simple and not as you imagined at all. And here your husband is either your assistant to smooth the corners and share the load, or he is: "Oh, I am the sickest man in the world…", – as the wonderful Karlsson said. And if in the story with Karlsson he added: "What are you worth, you promised me to be my own mother!", then your phrase to the husband doing nothing but sound with easy reproach: “What are you worth, you promised me to be the closest person!”

We promised to go with each other through life hand in hand, together experiencing the joy of happy days and sorrows. Young, with not strong enough mind and balanced forecasts for the future they refer to love so easily! They think love will help them to overcome everything. They fulfill forms in the registry office in a rush dreaming of the best future. Yes, of course love can definitely overcome everything, forgive, change the character, teach you how to ‘spend’ yourself for your partner and get a real pleasure from it. Only it is not just a guy's attraction to a girl, it is not only a desire. Such love – is a spiritual work on your consciousness, on your natural laziness and selfishness so that each of your word, movement or deal makes your beloved better. Try to find these strings in your partner in crime, perhaps they will be able to tune in unison with the true love, with your desire to build your family hearth in delightful estimates. Life shows that people begin to think about this as they grow up but certainly not when we are at the age of 18. So you also can grow up, if all the sentences does not make any sense to you.

SUCH LOVE – IS A SPIRITUAL WORK ON YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS, ON YOUR NATURAL LAZINESS AND SELFISHNESS SO THAT EACH OF YOUR WORD, MOVEMENT OR DEAL MAKES YOUR BELOVED BETTER.

Why does the age play a crucial role in this choice? Why do you think of him as an angel at 18 and closer to 30 you ‘do not have enough fresh air’ and now you would not have married him in any way? What has happened over the years? The answer is very simple – growing up and opening the ‘package’. After re-reading the book I hope that you will become more practical, analyze your current and former relationships, and become older in this issue.

It doesn't come for our mind to expect a 5 year old child to be a 10 year old, or from a 15 year old girl to be a 25 year old woman? We are waiting for the natural growth of children, when they will step by step learn the rules of behavior, what is allowed and what is not. We teach them by our own example and try to learn from others too. At this age, when the child is not yet able to think sensibly and practically himself, we have full responsibility and control over him. We do not let him stumble, get burned, ‘make a real mess of things’. But after 18 and sometimes even earlier, children begin to make their own decisions and do some stuff in which we do not have time to interfere or we are not allowed. Children do not let us because they consider themselves as already experienced persons and they have been waiting for so long to say "I will figure it out", "I know how it would be better", etc. What remains for parents? They can only try to advise but in the matter of choosing your fiancé, the probability of influence at this age is almost absent, at least in most families.

If you are 18 years old or approximately 18 today, my advice to you – do not rush to get married, do not be in a hurry because it would not be you to say a very popular phrase among divorced people in 5–10 years: "If I understood it then." It would be more logical and useful in order to reduce divorce – to allow marriage, for example, after 25 years, a kind of 25+ law. There would be of fewer mistakes. This sometimes affects not only those who say ‘marry me’ and those who say ‘I am getting married’, but also their parents. One girl's parents shared a similar situation that happened in their lives. Their daughter abruptly got married, and the parents were forced to take the credit for the wedding. After 3 months, their daughter said that she did not want to live with her husband; apparently very quickly she realized her mistake and divorced him. A year later, she got married for the second time, which means that she did not have enough time to make serious conclusions, but her parents still pay the loan with interest for the first wedding. These are the conflicts and interweaving: for the one person – getting experience from her mistakes, the other – paying for this experience. Although it is a weak argument, but still take care of your parents, please, do not do in your 18 what you need to do after growing up, at least beyond the equator of the third ten.

Should there be any standards in this matter of choosing a spouse? Do we all have to do this in an identical way, as we calculate the interest on loans, open a deposit in a bank or solve a mathematical problem "from point A to point B…"? The answer is very obvious. There should be no clear understanding of this issue.

So often there was an opinion when we talked with the girls at the stage of interviews and discussion of the topic: "Oh, and what, when I read, I will know everything and will choose the perfect husband? I wish it was so easy!"

We can confidently say: "Yes, you will choose a perfect husband for yourself with his ideal (for you) shortcomings, whom, firstly, you will know from A to Z, secondly, you will be morally ready for all his disadvantages, and the most important part – you have to try to raise the ideal man because it is most likely that the ‘ideal ones’ are few and they all are in the "red book".

Currently the statistics on marriages for women at 18 years has declined, for men it is less than 1 %. The highest percentage have girls who get married at the age of 20–25 years – about 40 %, i.e. about half of all girls try not to miss their chance and create a family in the first years of adult life – first years at work or as university students. Another 30 % – under the age of 30, and after 30 – every tenth person. So it turns out, you can not sit too long and wait too much. A hasty decision is also not good because your own world perception should be formed and it takes a time. Of course, there are also balanced marriages at an early age, for example – due to traditions, but if the situation allows then take 25 years as a reference point. It is not for nothing that statistics confirm our fears – that about 40 % of couples divorce due to the fact that at one time they made a hasty decision, registering a marriage. It also often happens under the pressure from relatives. Once again, we highlight – HASTY decision! So we should prepare according to the plan without ‘rush’.

Please, remember the statistics of divorces, it is worth repeating that those women who hurried to get married in their early ages in 60 % of cases do not marry anymore. So, every third «divorcee» will remain alone. This means that for every third woman the state "in search" will be for the rest of their lives. Do you want to be in such a long and fruitless search? And the search itself is not as terrible as the lack of implementation of women in all its manifestations. And what about the prospect of earning money and raising a child alone? What if there are two or three children? Every uncomplicated female fate shaves off all the girl's dreams of love and well-being of family everyday life. Let the statistics be your inhibiting argument for an early or hasty marriage.

Do not forget that after 35 years, the cause of female loneliness is a clear lack of men due to high mortality. And the other problem is that there is almost 15 million «army» of drug addicts, alcoholics, gambling addicts. They will skillfully hide their shortcomings, say that it is an accident or it was deep in the past. And a few million girls will believe them, marry them and have children with them…

11. Do not allow couples to go to the registry office if they

People just should not be allowed to go in the registry office (even to submit an application) in case they had never read such books. If I was there, I would give them a special, carefully prepared, test with questions right on the doorstep. How much do they know about each other? How many weaknesses have they noticed? What do they expect from each other? And if a young couple of two loving hearts scores few points – marching orders! They cannot go into. They cannot make such mistakes. Of course, it sounds categorically, but the reason for this – are endless successive failures and setbacks in choosing a husband.

Negative results of passing such a test would help young people at least to take a detached view. Whom have they chosen as a future husband or wife? Maybe it is not right decision at all or it is still very, very early to get married!

ONE OF THE GOALS OF THE BOOK IS TO GIVE YOUNG PEOPLE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE A FRESH LOOK AT THE FUTURE SPOUSE, TO SEE HIM, TO UNDERSTAND HIS "INNER FILLING" AS FULLY AS POSSIBLE AT THIS POINT IN LIFE.

One of the goals of the book is to give young people the opportunity to take a fresh look at the future spouse, to see him, to understand his "inner filling" as fully as possible at this point in life. After all, there may be new habits and worse manifestations. Few people get better as the years go by because self-improvement is a real hard work to do. So that "it would not be tormenting painfully" for the unhappily lived years, so that your risks with this person were clear – what can he do that is not acceptable to you, in what ways are you not the same as he or she and what will you have to endure year after year. Knowing your risks, knowing what you have to put up with, – it would be much easier to take this path. Then you would not be strongly surprised, have a temper tantrum, pose the question point – black, complain to your friends or parents, and seek consolidation in wine, saying to yourself: "I wish I knew what he is like." Forewarned is forearmed for family life!

An even greater aim of our narration is to talk to adults who know life, who have experienced themselves in the marriage or in more marriages. The message is addressed to them – children need to be taught in the matter of choosing a second half. Adults have to talk with them, explain many issues, discuss their beliefs and hopes, and shape their views together, wisely directing from situation to situation. The analysis of current situations in the child's personal life or situations in the family is a great material for learning. For example, friendship with boys. Please try to discuss how the daughter sees her friend, how she evaluates his actions, whether she sees the reasons for such actions, especially bad or half-hearted. Even if your adult, personal experience in a relationship or marriage is negative or has brought disappointments, tell your child why and how did you make mistakes, why did you make wrong decisions, and what happened. The negative experience of parents will be the part which the child will try to avoid in his own life, especially if you talk about it and have a confidential communication with the child. Although in the interview, which we will soon move on to, there is an example of a daughter repeating the mistakes of a mother with an early pregnancy.

Can we imagine that parents would not teach a child to treat older people with respect? Just imagine for a second: a child, not knowing what to do, do not understand the situation when he or she sees an elderly person in a transport or other place, he/she just sits quietly, does not stand up for an old woman, for example. After all, the understanding that it is necessary to stand up, appears precisely because of a set of measures and actions in childhood. Parents always talk about this and make sure that the child does not violate these established norms in relation to older people. They set an example by their own actions, politeness to them in conversations, etc. The child absorbs this and acts in adult life in the same way independently. As a result, there is education – and also there is a result at its core.

FOREWARNED IS FOREARMED FOR FAMILY LIFE!

Now let's switch over to education, which is not yet available or sometimes it is practically absent. And if parents do not teach their children, then there is no result. How to find out what the person who is next to you is like, especially when you are in a relationship with him/ her? Parents often cannot teach, because no one has prepared them. Nobody told them they need to analyze every detail. What kind of things do you have to know in the pre-wedding relationship with the future spouse? Parents often have only their own negative experience. And do you know how many cases of several marriages and divorces are there? This shows the thorny path and the lack of the same set of measures that you need to teach your child. These divorces reveal clearly unacceptable character traits, habits, and shortcomings of the parent's own upbringing in order to maintain a happy family construction.

Young people need to understand this «science» before the wedding. They still have a chance to avoid mistakes, to part with their possible dangerous future, where divorces kill the naivety and euphoria of falling in love. And it will be also useful for the older generation to enroll and finish this life university for the sake of the happiness of their children and grandchildren.

In a good continuation of these questions, the child's upbringing should be boiled down to systematic conversations, analysis of actions, their reasons, criteria for family happiness, and the ability to evaluate a person in a relationship in a balanced way, compiling information of what is not even always visible or deliberately hidden. Such education, as well as its other directions, will be more successful if parents take care of each other every day. If parents are able to drop some voltage across their communication, sacrifice themselves for the sake of the second half in everything and in all the little things. It is noted that if you do not analyze with the child these beautiful manifestations of love in the form of parents' care for each other, or vice versa, negative manifestations, such moments may remain unnoticed until the child grows up and begins to understand the reasons for things. But it can take years, decades, in which your child will get his or her bumps and abrasions.

Funny stories are also suitable, especially if they remain in the memory as a stopper or a skew in the relationship. One of these cases occurred in Ukraine, when the mother of an 18-year-old girl tried to control every step of her daughter and exclude the continuation, in which only the skirt is mentioned from the girl's clothing (there is a proverb in Russia – to bring a child in the skirt/hem – which means to have a child before the wedding, it is always used in the negative meaning). The girl was going on a first date and could not help but tell her mother about it. And guess what! Her mother made the "only right" decision – she went on a date with her daughter! She wanted to look at the gentleman and to ask him to return her daughter home by the appointed time. The guy had no choice; he clearly remembered the eyes of the future potential mother-in-law, her possible reaction which would be like thunderstorm and lightning, if he was suddenly late for the appointed hour to bring the girl home. The hypothetical mother-in-law took another step on the next date, when the boy came for the girl to her home. She forced the guy to write an acknowledgement that he agrees to return her daughter by the time and not a minute later. The guy again lost the chance of choice, because he wrote and got a chance to date a girl, even under the hood of his mother-in-law. Their relationship soon ended when the guy casually told his mother that he had to write receipts for dates, and his mother was able to explain to him what lies ahead if the hypothetical mother-in-law becomes just a mother-in-law. It is funny and amusing, but when such ridiculous situations occur in real life, immediately there will be a clear assessment in the head – where and how quickly to run in similar or close cases.

One of the options for such communication with a child you will see a little later in communication with a first-grader. From an early age children should be taught how to pay attention to the people around them. Children should know how to choose a friend. It would be a good school of life. They will figure out why this or that girl or boy is behaving like this. And this makes sense only when children care about their toys, when they speak to us openly.

How can you teach a first-grade girl to understand which boy is next to her? Just ask her why she chose him over the others. Her answers will show exactly the reasons, and if she doesn't know why, then you need to ask the simplest leading questions and teach her to identify the reasons that attracted her to him, to friendship with him. Then you need to pitch upon each argument and reason. The next stage is the friend’s actions: whether he cares about one particular girl, whether he shows affection. Is he at least constant in his choice? Or he is a good friend of all girls in the group? Does not he offend girls or even beat? Is he interested in something? How does he speak to his parents? Is he obedient? Is he rude? Is he ready to give the last candy you?

Then you should teach your children how to juxtapose actions and words, so that the child could see the roots of selfishness, stupidity, greed, pride, and other points of weakness. On this thread of juxtaposition, bright and attractive beads will be made of kindness, responsiveness, dedication and other attractive aspects of human manifestation. Having formed in the child’s mind the habit of thinking and contemplating, looking into the roots of actions, reaching for those who will not betray, who are ready to live for the sake of another, the transition phase into adulthood will not be so "terrible".

I am convinced that most if not all of my readers are ready to challenge these statements, replace them with their own, expand the list or argue with the accuracy of the wording. For example, is it possible to calculate these risks? Is it possible to fully understand the person who is in front of you in the rose and candy stage? Who by the age of 18 is ready to listen to this and openly talk about it? People of age can say: "Remember yourself, did you listen to someone in your 18–20 years? And anyway, you don't need to teach me, I will figure it out myself!"

Here is one of these answers:

"This begs the question: why did you decide that you are smarter than anyone and that you can teach someone? Everyone has their own life and their own mistakes, and perhaps only after going through them, a person will understand the most important thing and what he needs."

Firstly, I will answer the last question – about 18–20 years. I didn't listen to anyone in my 18-s, because there was no one around who could tell me some useful information. There was nobody whom I could listen to, to whom I could openly talk about my ideas, how and whom to choose, which of the girls is more interesting to me and why I like her… We will get answers to the other questions in the future chapters through examples and descriptions. But the best way is when the reader will notice the logic himself or herself and will be able to foresee possible scenarios for development.

So, are you ready for family life today? You think so? In most cases – this is not the right answer, especially if you are not 30 yet, and you have not had to reason like this. Why?

Now please try to read carefully paragraph after paragraph and learn a new kind of art – the art of foreseeing your perspective in 5, 10 or more years in a relationship with the person you are in love now. Is this at least important or even possible? I am sure that the answer is YES. This way of thinking – like who is he, why does he do it, and how is he going to change his thoughts, actions, his behavior in the relationship with me over time – is not developed anywhere. Nobody told us about such things, we did not hear such examples. Sometimes we did not hear about it so often that we can think for ourselves.

12. First-grader love experience

I have recently heard from the first-grader Sashen’ka: “I love a boy”. I asked: “Does he know about it?” She said: “No”. “Do you think he is a good boy?” She said: “Yes”. I replied: “Why do you think so?” She told me: “I don't know”.

Do not you think that conversations with adult girls, their conversations with friends are the same?

– “Why do you love me?”

– “Oh, I don't know, but I feel like I am head over heels in love!”

There are two arguments that can justify a relationship with almost any man. The first – I do not know, and it turns out, I cannot explain why. And the second – I fell in love, which few people even try to understand and explain even to themselves – why?

Further, in the conversation with Sashen’ka, while I was getting more accurate information, I managed to direct her to think: what his features do you like, how does he differ from others, etc. Then the little girl was able to find three or four correct and useful characteristics of the boy she liked: kind, beautiful, gives her candy, helps at school.

A couple of weeks later, she shared her news again about the “love affairs”:

– “…And I stopped loving that boy, and now I love another” – she told me after a while.

– “Why?”

– “That guy talks all the time. He is like a chatterbox. So I stopped loving him.”

– “So you do not like that he talks a lot and does not listen to you?”

– “Yeah.”

– “So who is the new one?”

– “Andrey, he does not talk much and gave me a candy.”

We see the girl’s first steps of evaluating the actions. She noticed that she was not comfortable when the other person was not just a bit talkative. It is really not interesting when your opponent uses the formula 90 to 10, meaning that 90 % of the time he occupies with his conversations and you have only 10 %. Sashen’ka noticed the thing that many adult girls do not always have time to understand even before the wedding. The thing is that her future husband would completely fill the space with himself. Sasha made a new choice and felt that the gentleman who talks a blue streak less is better for her. And the fact that he gave her a candy made him a prince in her eyes.

It is not a big deal when we are talking about the first-grader. She has 10 years in reserve to learn many things about boys. But if you instill in her the practice of thinking, looking for motivation and evaluating actions, their constancy, and many other things and details, then she will be much better prepared for relationships, for the choices that most people make in the strangest, least practical way, as practice shows.

SASHA MADE A NEW CHOICE AND FELT THAT THE GENTLEMAN WHO TALKS A BLUE STREAK LESS IS BETTER FOR HER. AND THE FACT THAT HE GAVE HER A CANDY MADE HIM A PRINCE IN HER EYES.

The rule ‘a new guy should be not like the last one’ works for everyone who got burned on the shortcomings of the boyfriend before the wedding. It often happens in the same scenario after the next divorce. For example, the guy was greedy and did not give gifts, so the next one who is more generous will immediately get a fat plus in the rating. And being already married to the «generous» man, the girl discovers that he is rude with his generosity and is constantly terribly jealous. Of course, here are given the most primitive examples, but the point is to give some thought provoking issue: you have to remember when beginning a new relationship what you did not like in the previous one. And, please, do not forget to get the wind of him in all other aspects before the wedding, so that, running away from one disadvantage, you will not get stuck in five more unpleasant ones.

If only most girls and boys from childhood, from Sashen’ka's age had lessons in this issue – about boys, about how she understands them. Why does she fall in love with one or the other? I am sure that most readers had not such education. It was only slightly or not at all. Parents teach their child everything they consider important: to be honest, to respect their elders, to express themselves correctly and accurately, to behave in society, not to deceive, to be accurate, to achieve goals and to perform well at school. School has also many disciplines, including some important for the life ones. For example, there are such lessons as basics of life safety, arts and crafts, physical education.

There are no places (no special schools, courses) where young men and women (those who are ready for the marriage) can be enriched with knowledge of how to build the ‘right’ relationships, how to understand who they love, what family life really consists of and how to avoid mistakes when choosing a husband/ wife? There is no whole layer of education and training, even no one teaches basic knowledge of preparing a family, happy relationship in marriage.

How much time do you have? Maybe you are just preparing for a wedding and you are still reading, trying to find out whether you did everything right? Or you already live in a marriage and you have chosen your companion years ago. You have chosen him because of his beauty or sense of humor; maybe you liked him for fidelity or for a beautiful back. This also happens. You are not alone. There are plenty of similar stories. And some of them are collected in this book. Perhaps some of the readers all that is left to do is to educate their children that way, because their choice was made long time ago. They want their child to be more pragmatic in order not to repeat the mistakes of mom, dad, friends or relatives.

A simple analysis of the reasons for his actions, some life experience and facts surrounding us and also a desire to help at least a few people to learn and not to make rash steps before the wedding (steps which are based only on feelings, on the concupiscence) make me put letters into words in this book.

This issue is very extensive. There are many factors and components. It is difficult to conclude all the concepts and conditions within one or more sentences, or even one book. Therefore, I will try to tell you about the clearest, the most logical and most important things. This is not an axiom or a final conclusion in terms of the book. This cannot be taught. This cannot change all or many of those who read it. But even if a few people can think and contemplate afterwards, and one person does not make a rash choice of his/ her second half or somebody teaches his/ her children to be happier, then this work is not in vain.

This education must begin with the alphabet and cooked semolina for breakfast.

13. To love is to care

Our relationships are based on love, on the desire to be close, to stand together, especially at the stage of preparation and formation of a family, before the wedding. This is the euphoria of falling in love, when it seems that you just cannot breathe without this person, you cannot help thinking about him in delightful colors. You cannot concentrate on things you are doing, always distracting from everything else but him or her very easily. And vice versa, it is very difficult for you to return to other thoughts.

Unfortunately, experience has proven that all these feelings have an anti-mirror effect. It happens when the couple does their first steps in the family life. You do not look at your husband or wife and do not want to see him/ her, do not want to breathe near this person and cannot stop thinking about him/ her with irritation. You try to get away from these thoughts. You try to distract yourself with all known ways – drinking wine, having a new crush or a combination of these two. For somebody work is a way to escape the reality.

Between these poles, from the hot «love» to the icy «hate», our relationship crosses many life meridians. And it seems like both of them loved each other, as they say, but they divorced (about 60 marriages out of every hundred).

Did they love each other well? Was the love strong? And how is it – to love somebody? When can a couple's relationship be called love? With what kind of love can you get a happy marriage, a happy family life, being with him side by side, raising children and earning daily bread, falling asleep on the same bed?

The first step of love during the rose and candy stage is the sweetest period, it is all about honey with a tiny nigger in the woodpile. And even though it has to warn about something, it always remains unheard. Nothing of the kind! Passion, bodies vibrate from hormones, sometimes to a precollaptoid state. And your head is full of dreams. We will have this little things and those, everything will be very good, peaceful, affectionate, mindful, colorful – says the excited mind.

Everyone knows about rose – colored spectacles, but when it begins to happen to him/ her, the chances of those who are close to them to reach out and say that the glasses should be removed are minuscule. And as soon as the romance is gone, the rose – colored spectacles fall off like leaves drop off in the autumn. A newly married couple faces the first difficulties, the tests of the relationship. Both of them were sure then that the love had passed.

The stage of saturation or oversaturation of each other comes after the wedding, especially if you rushed and flew into the marriage as cars fly at speed on the "Formula 1", so that they can change the wheels in a few seconds. Race cars will not be able to continue the race without this – the wheels will blow out. What will burst if you are in a hurry to get married today? Those who got married at speed were not really ready to live together; maybe they were not even going to. Well, it happened. One thing, another, and they got already used to each other, and why do you have to send each other endless messages when you can live together?

This period at the beginning of family life is ostrobogulous. Both of the newly married couple is relaxed. They start to show their individual self with all disadvantages, which were either well covered or dressed in tight jeans for strategic purposes – so as not to crumb the wedding. Love begins to drop from the boiling point to the first ice. After 1–2 years, 16 % of marriages burst, apparently “they did not get along”.

What did they both look at when they checked compatibility? There is no real concern for each other in such a short marriage. We can say that in such marriages there was no love, because they did not have time to look out for each other and to pay attention to each other. And you have to know that already 27 % of divorced women will not get married again. They will never have a chance to care about somebody in family relations! Don't you worry that it might be you? That it can be you who mistakenly got married and then remain alone. The first marriage is bound to be a flop and then you can remain alone for life. The price of the mistake in choosing a husband is huge. It is absolutely impossible to get married in a hurry, remember, especially the “first term”.

THE FIRST MARRIAGE IS BOUND TO BE A FLOP AND THEN YOU CAN REMAIN ALONE FOR LIFE. THE PRICE OF THE MISTAKE IN CHOOSING A HUSBAND IS HUGE.

The most “interesting” in the third stage is – disgust towards the shortcomings of the spouse, quarrels, impatience. The competition for power in the family is heating up. This is where marriages start to crumble like dry crackers. Love can be torn up like an unwanted piece of paper in an office paper shredder. Where is the love? It has gone. And this happens more often than we think. It ran away because one of the two in the couple was not prepared for the difficulties or simply overlooked when signed the important document in the registry office. Those who run into a new relationship and a new marriage immediately, without analyzing, without making "error correction", will again get "bad luck" at the same stage, only with another person. At this stage, divorce statistic is the highest – about 25–30 %. For all those people who are still going to get married, it is worth remembering that a couple of million potential bachelors are drug addicts, more than 10 million have been drinking alcohol heavily. And do not forget about prisoners, psychopaths, patients with uncontrolled jealousy. Most likely, you will have to put up with those who remained. This means that you will have to endure and find compromises much more than you could imagine. It is a real hard work on yourself, sometimes it is a kind of back-breaking toil.

Asking a divorced woman who is about 40 years old, I heard another “classic” answer to my question: "Where is the husband? I do not see the wedding ring? Where is he and how did you choose him, according to what criteria?".

The woman stared at me with round eyes and with a question in soaring intonation: “What? To make a choice? There are not plenty. It is necessary to take the first halfway normal!” There is a reasonable share in her words – it is not necessary to go over and dig in the grooms, but also to marry the “first comer”. To start living with him in a civil marriage is not the smartest choice also.

Therefore, it is good to choose in your youth, while there is someone to choose from, but do not delay the case after 35.

Those people, who are thinking and working on themselves with their life's «scratches» and «abrasions» from broken relationships live on, try, get acquainted on dating sites, where they polish their patience. Now they understand more. They know that quarrels, different views on the routine and obvious manifestations of selfishness are an absolutely normal part of a relationship. It is the same as brushing your teeth every day or cooking. Two always different people with different habits, character buildings and different everything else are getting used to each other. Here the sparks are as great as sharpness of the principles and character of each of them.

The wiser of the two becomes softer in order to preserve relationships and family. The wiser irons out the differences for the sake of love, “for both me and my love”. This can be called the greatest wisdom in family relationships. Love begins to warm up again. It heats up when a person with a promising set of characteristics is next to you. You cannot make anything with an indifferent egoist. He is cold to any gentleness. And you cannot forget about others who are shallow – hearted, those who do not know how to appreciate their relatives and live for them and do something for them.

In the development of such family wisdom the spouses are already thinking not about what he or she owes to the partner, but what he/ she can do for the other. As a rule, these are the most common actions, nothing special but the desire to do something for your beloved gives birth to love. The real desire turns into actions, it does not go astray in thoughts.

Just cover the sleeping spouse with a blanket, make no noise and let him sleep for another hour, vacuum instead of him, go to the dry cleaner, and turn on his favorite music, light a fragrant candle in the room. This is the peak of true love in terms of temperature and actions.

To give more than you get in return is the true expression of love. It is about clear and simple care. Giving your energy, time, and talents caring about your loved one every day – is true love. Receiving care and doing nothing in return, trying only to command, reproach, ridicule, suppress by knowledge of the topic or education in something, put ultimatums, using not “beautiful words” or yelling, live for yourself and your pleasures in marriage – this is hardly can be called ‘love’, this is selfishness with your own servant. What of this have you already seen in your life? What drives you wild?

TO GIVE MORE THAN YOU GET IN RETURN IS THE TRUE EXPRESSION OF LOVE. IT IS ABOUT CLEAR AND SIMPLE CARE.

Example:

“Honey, I love you very much!” When he sits every evening in front of the TV, and the wife first prepares food, then rushes and does in parallel, because there is not enough time in turn, washing dishes, ironing, washing the floors and the rest. At the same time, the husband can repeat more than once in the evening that he loves you, that he has a soft spot for you, that you are the best.

This is not love! Why? Is not the girl supposed to do everything around the house, and the husband's job is to get money? Got it, came, sat down, ate some food, drank, fell asleep a little, limping. After all, in most cases it is!

Let's agree that the book will rarely use the word «love» and vice versa, instead of it – a possible interpretation of its meaning in everyday life and these are – care and actions that confirm that he loves you. And another convention – I will write for girls on behalf of the male sex, but this is also a mirror for young men who choose their own best wife.

Here I want to make a watershed between ‘to love doing nothing’ and ‘to love with caring about your beloved’ in an infinite number of ways. I am for the second option, when you can see the actions in relation to you, and feel the desire to make you even a little happier. Such acts of care and attention cannot include courtship from guys before the wedding, for example, compliments, bouquets of flowers, boxes of chocolates or individual chocolates, theatre trips or evenings in the cafes, going to the parties, birthday parties and so on. Why?

These are just elements of courtship, natural guys’ steps to achieve their goals and intentions. They can be serious and many times more often not serious. Actions can be only for a pastime, for simple carnal delights. And this is exactly what the letters of this book, sequentially folded into tips, and is trying to protect you from.

After saying «a», let's go to «b». You can hear from girls: “I look through a guy and if he only needs me for sex, I immediately drop him”.

Oh… It would be much less reason to write, if most of the young or not very young girls, knew this «subject» on ‘excellent’ mark, they would not be caught like birds in a snare over and over again. Even more often you have to feel sympathetic to the girls’ stories when they fell into this trap and immediately saw so much new in their chosen one that from under the bouquets and compliments was not seen. The chosen one either immediately disappeared after getting what he wanted, or disappeared without getting it.

We will return to the "copybook maxims" for girls more than once. And one of the first essential things, which we briefly have to stop at, because of its location on the surface of the type “let's separate the wheat from the chaff”, is to learn how to separate:

– ostents of love that are not in words and messages, not in moments of hugs;

– lust from a serious relationship;

– how much your chosen one is willing to do something for you and not for himself.

Who among us can love? Why are you asking such a strange question? Everyone can love! It is nothing to do – to love. It is about our desire to be with this special one every minute and every second, to breathe the same air. Then it turns out that love is just sitting next to him or lying down not far from him? Moreover, all this is different with different people. The question is so intimate and unexplained.

Is it worth asking such a question? Believe me, it worth it. This is another key in one of the doors of the suite of your palace of understanding about love. There are many rooms, one after the other, each of a different color and decoration. Open it, let's see what you have there, how you put love on the shelves in this room. And as the word «enfilade» in French means to string on a thread, so you will be interested to see what is on your thread of “the ability to love”.

It is simply necessary to make a small digression here, before the reader loses interest in understanding the theme. The idea is simple: love is not just our sighs, desires and passions. Love is a work in which you can show how do you care about beloved one. You show it all the time – you really love him/ her, you just talk about love – it is obvious that you do not love your partner. At the very beginning of a relationship, excessive talkativeness about feelings and love on the part of a young person is bound to alert, especially if actions with a desire to show it, except for gifts and cafes, are far behind or absent.

The ability to care and love is a real moral work which helps you to calm or encourage, inspire to overcome difficulties, meet your precious after a working day, and many other things like that. And this all has to be learned, just as we first learned to read or write. Moving in the relationship to higher levels is like first we learn how to keep in hand a pen and years after learn calligraphy.

I will use some wonderful images and description of this from the famous author, philosopher, psychologist Erich Fromm from the book "the Art of love".

We learn how to drive a car, we go to courses. We also learn to count at school and learn foreign languages. First, the theory, the rules, and then we go to practice driving, if this is a driver's course. With foreign languages it is the same, everything is very clear – first we learn the rules, then we begin to pronounce the easiest standard phrases. And then we polish this skill for many years, either when we drive a car or speak the new language.

Who said that you can love? Have you studied the theory of how to love? What are the rules, what does the course consist of? Did you study the theoretical part to be able to love? There are so few people. You can safely give an answer – no one even thinks, no one studies the theory. What about the practice? Have you had any practical lessons on how to love (please do not confuse it with sex)? Did you start your practical training with the simplest things of love for your loved one?

Most people are completely sure that they know how to love and that this is not necessary to learn: neither to analyze the theory, nor to engage in incomprehensible practice. This is about as absurd as telling someone who does not know a foreign language that they are already fluent in it, or to convince someone who has never driven a car that he will be able to drive ‘like a snake’ in a car backwards.

The misconception is that people are confident:

– that love is simple;

– that you don't have to learn anything in love.

Therefore, most people are looking for romantic love, a romantic experience that should then lead to marriage. After all, you just need to find an object of love, and then "I know everything and I can do everything". They bend this romantic experience to a person who often does not suit them at all. Not suitable is the person for many reasons, but they do not see it at that moment – it usually happens in the rose and candy period.

ONLY A STOUT – HEARTED MAN CAN PARTLY SACRIFICE HIMSELF TO A LOVED ONE. GIVING YOURSELF TO THE BELOVED FOR MANY YEARS OF FAMILY LIFE IS CHERRY ON THE CAKE!

Love, in which there is no help and care for the beloved – this is another concept, but it is not love. The main principle in love is to give yourself, sacrifice your own energy and capabilities, leaving self-care in the background. What do you like more – to receive gifts, care and attention, or to give? Since giving is the highest manifestation of a person, his spiritual power, it is not difficult for the reader to understand how far or close he is to this level.

Only a stout – hearted man can partly sacrifice himself to a loved one. Giving yourself to the beloved for many years of family life is cherry on the cake! Now let’s have a pause for a minute. Were you taught to give yourself, to live for your loved one? Maybe these thoughts visited you during the most romantic moments? If there is a desire and you think about it – it is good enough! But then, after the wedding, life with a husband is completely different, difficult and complicated. Will you have the desire to give yourself after a working day, after cleaning the apartment, doing homework with the child and cooking a three-liter pot of soup for a week? What do you need to have in your head to make you want this? What should your husband be like, how good should he be, so that you will not change your mind about trying so hard for him?

Here is one of the effective rules of love, in which giving yourself is natural – to show an active interest in the life, rest and development of your loved one.

It cannot hurt to repeat such moments again and slightly «decipher» them. For those who reach out for the development of love, here and now there are opinions that love is (first of all):

– your active actions;

– your desire to do them all the time;

– willing your loved one to live more joyfully, more comfortably, more successfully.

To do this, you need to step outside of your selfishness, your individual self, and your interests, which are "ahead of them" for most people. Selfishness prevents us from doing this, we live first for ourselves. Especially when we live with our parents right before the wedding, before marriage. In well – established families, where there are many children, the older ones help with the education of the younger ones and they know this work. Such work, however, is more of a duty, and we are talking about the desire that arises from feelings for a loved one. Such a desire for a loved one is when you actively take care of him/ her.

Now look back at your relationship, which you have now or it is already in the past. Is your boyfriend active to you, what does he constantly do to make you happier, to make you feel more comfortable, so that you have less household duties and rest more, or cares about your education, getting new knowledge?

If it is so and he really cares about you, I can say that you are very lucky, and he really loves you, he is obsessed with you. You can see his motivation for you. Not only to sigh and reach for intimate overloads.

The ability to love and give yourself can be compared to the overloads that affect a person when falling or taking off abruptly. If a person just stands, he is affected by an overload of 1g. and those who do not know how to love – stand, do nothing, do not give themselves, do not experience the overload of their body, so that you feel better in many ways.

The other person loves, creates, helps to develop, cares to share with you household duties, creates the mood, saves from moral breakdowns… To make a long story short – he/she experiences overload. This person does more than just talking about feelings, more than just hugs and tenderness. Cosmonauts are trained, have special health data and can tolerate overloads up to 4g. And the one who gives himself for his beloved is a “cosmonaut”. He is willing to put up with these overloads for you. Such “cosmonauts” are able to make a girl really happy, saddle themselves with up to 3–4 g.

Are there many cosmonauts among ordinary people? There are units. Are there many guys who are ready to do different actions for the sake of their woman, to work hard, to care about their beloved one? Also not many, you can trust me. Look for them; help them to become such persons. But, above all, such work you should try to do on yourself.

The love of two «cosmonauts» will be beautiful, when everyone is eager to compete in a kind way and is in a hurry to do something for a loved one. Even if one of the two aspires to this, it is already good. In such relationships, romance and the desire to make your own fairy tale in your family are great friends and helpers.

Remember that to love means to endure overloads, to work hard on yourself. And loving your spouse all your life in one marriage is the most difficult work in the life. Do you want to love like that? Are you really ready for it?

14. Without this a marriage is impossible

You should know some very important moments without which your success in self – cultivation, your possible right choice of the happiness, your progress in general, in many ways in life will be impossible or reduced to a minimum.

There is a threshold in relationships that needs to be stepped over. You need to outstep in your intelligence figuratively beyond only your interests in order to see your beloved one better. But not from the outside, as you are used to, but from the inside. It is about learning to understand his actions and the reasons why he does so. Why does he yell if you, for example, remind him of the same request for the tenth time? Why does he always make you responsible for each of his mistakes at work and at home? Why is he always smarter and you are on the contrary? Then it will not be difficult to see your relationship in the future, after the wedding.

IT IS ABOUT LEARNING TO UNDERSTAND HIS ACTIONS AND THE REASONS WHY HE DOES SO.

For example, your boyfriend gets hot under the collar if you slam the door of his car loudly. Perhaps many girls learn a lot about themselves when this situation sometimes happens.

“Don't slam the door”, – is the softest version you can hear every time. Obviously, men love their cars more than their chosen one. They often forget who is in front of them and that they recently called their sweetie ‘honey’ or ‘darling’. Why does your man suddenly forget this? Why does it happen split – second?

There are some reasons. You just have to learn to recognize them. And the easiest way to begin to distinguish – is in minutes of a sharp change in intonation, aggressive shouts, raising the voice, in situations when he arrogantly teaches or reproaches you, when your boyfriend becomes a “stranger”.

Anna, the woman with whom I worked, was very irritated and could not calm down for a long time if customers promised to send an email response in an hour but they sent it in 3 or 4 hours. Or it was about couriers who were late for the appointed time. If someone did not keep their promise, Anna would start to grumble, get angry, and could not continue working without being oppressed. Employees who were more resistant to stress at work, those who were nearby, tried to calm her down, saying: “Do not pay attention, it is not doom and gloom” or "the driver was late because he was in traffic” or "the ticket booking service probably has a lot of orders, they will send the reservation before the end of the working day” etc.

But Anna seemed to be in the squared ring in a hitfest with her worst enemy and she could not control herself, she could not keep calm. It was clear that the reason for such mental breakdowns existed but it was difficult to understand it. Anna was 36 years old, recently married for the first time, she had no children. She had a bachelor degree and was scrupulous at work. Anna did everything she promised. She did everything exactly on time and constantly stressed the importance of this. She scolded people for not fulfilling their promises.

In one of these ‘calmative’ conversations with her, Anna told me a story from her childhood. A boy in kindergarten gave another girl a doll. Then this boy switched and began to take care of Anya. And then one day he promised to bring her a doll. He said that tomorrow he would give it to her but he did not bring it so he did not give it. Anya was very upset and offended. She was offended so much that at her 36 years she would lose the serenity of mind if she met unfulfilled promises like to do something or to do something on time. The doll that was not given to her formed a strong resentment. Now a hidden reason in her heart is bothering her and those around her. “Why did he promise”, – this question had a chip on her shoulder in her offended brain. Now she asks this question everywhere. She is irritated. And also she justifies her resentment with this.

If the husband did not have time to notice this point in Anna before the wedding, then he would regularly hear this reproach at home now. After all, a common everyday life is about nothing but households. There may be a million or more such situations. The husband has two options within the family: to do everything by the promised deadline or to calm the spouse every time if he does not have time or does not do it at all.

It would seem here just like a trifle, unnoticed in a relationship before the registry office. You have to know that it can greatly affect the atmosphere of many family evenings. A husband who comes home tired after a working day can receive a “gift” in the form of an irritated wife who expresses her reproaches instead of saying: “Hello, my beloved! How was your work day? Are you tired? I have a delicious dinner ready for you, please wash your hands, everything is already set on the table.”

And if there are more than one of these reasons, if there are many such things in her head? What will happen if Anna goes off on her husband in this way every day? Will they be happy and pleased with their marriage? How long will the husband be able to tolerate such “pirouettes” from Anna? And after all, this is only her individuality, her challenges and what about her husband? He also has something in his “trunk”. He is a person with his own inner demons. And yet, during the family life, each of the spouses can acquire additional habits that are not compatible with a comfortable relationship. There would be no escape from this – you are already under one roof.

THE MORE YOU GET TO KNOW HIM BEFORE THE WEDDING, THE STRONGER YOUR ALLIANCE WILL BE.

So, your practical way of choosing a husband is (in addition to what you have already known) to understand what kind of person he is, his complexes, the reasons for his irritability, anger, isolation – in everything negative that you may come against. The more you get to know him before the wedding, the stronger your alliance will be. That is why many girls after a few years of marriage say: “I would not marry him now.” Firstly, they grew up, and secondly, they learned about their husband's shortcomings only after they started living together.

Please do not repeat these mistakes, learn to understand his actions, his complexes, habits and every worrisome episode. You have to figure out why this happens, where the ‘roots’ of these disadvantages or vice versa his advantages.

It is extremely important to see such reasons in the behavior of your boyfriend before the wedding, when the relationship has been going on for a long time and everyone can get a little of their qualities from the “basket with shortcomings”:

– if your boyfriend is nervous and insults you when you slam the car door, there is a reason;

– if he raises his voice when you speak on the phone during a football match on TV, there is a reason for this too;

– if he is waiting for a compliment every time he comes on a date, it means a lot and there is a reason too;

– if he never argues with his mother or on the contrary argues with the future mother-in-law, there is a reason for everything;

– if every strife ends only when he is right and you are wrong, there is a reason and it is on the surface;

– if he was wrong, it is okay but when you make a mistake – it is a real disaster;

– if he forgot to fulfill the promise – he can do it, he is a man but if you did the same he would blame you or humiliate you;

– when he needs to drink a bottle or two of beer every evening in order to relax, relieve stress, the reason is visible even through the head;

– or if he occasionally goes with friends on a fishing trip or likes to spend time in the hunting field and at the same time his friends have new photos from a new party in their social networks and there you can see your “best man in the world”;

– if he remembers your mistakes in every row and tries to humiliate you with them.

It is not enough to understand that all these actions have their own reasons. It is more important to make a forecast of your family relations taking into account these reasons. Will there be cloudless fine weather at least a couple of days a month or just a gale warning and fog, ice, falls and fractures?

I want to give you just a couple of examples of such forecast. If each dispute ends only when your loved one is right and you are not – this means that you will get a situation in family life when it is not possible to win the dispute. You will still remain guilty, bad, stupid, etc. Are you ready to abide this and put up with it?

If he tells you that he goes fishing and then somehow you find him on the photo from a party on a friend's page – this is deception and indignity, sell – out of your interests, the absence of fidelity to you. Further, in family life, he will even more often disappear from the house on the ground of various pretexts, even less thinking about where and why. Do you like this prospect?

Learn how to analyze what is happening at the same moment when such events occur. Ask yourself the right question about the reasons for this. You have to research it, ask leading questions to clarify your assumptions about the causes of each situation. What is next – try to imagine yourself as a wife who has to endure all this, to bite the bullet, to put up with it.

The best experience that you can get by sorting out the reasons for the actions of people, especially your chosen one – is to start with yourself. Examine yourself, accurately sort out your own feelings and the motives of your complexes, fears, desires to change something in yourself. Look attentively at what pisses you off when you change your face, voice and grimace at the same time. After all, very few people do this either, they come at the cause of such irritations or fears, or complexes in themselves.

I know a girl who in a quarrel with a guy ate a whole loaf of white bread, she was eating her feelings. Apparently, she would not have been able to think about the reasons for what happened until she had finished the loaf. Understanding the reasons both good and bad for the actions of the chosen one draws the person in all the details. You will understand with whom you are going to live beneath the same roof every day. And what if this is not a loaf but alcohol, or dreams about an idol or ‘crazy’ actions when you want to do something not typical for yourself to spite everyone or someone target-focused?

Having sorted out your feelings, you get a chance to work on yourself, get rid of complexes and instantly understand the reason for your failures, resentments, loss of joy and happiness, obsession for each other in relationships. Things are the same in the assessment of your chosen one – first to notice and then to understand such moments.

There is one more thing. Not always everything is on the surface as, for example, irritation – it is easy to see, easy to feel, to look at and to understand what was the cause. There are also halftones that are covered in words or actions. For example, your boyfriend always has some very good reason not to do something when you are going to introduce him to your parents. Or it happens when the planned purchase of a new fragrance or dress for you have been simmering for years when there already new collections. It is the same in the first and second case. At such moments, the last thing you need to do is to listen to your beloved. Why is this happening? It is more important to look at the strange coincidences that have become a pattern. If he does not want to go to meet your parents, it means that he has no serious intentions about you, so you are a temporary option. If the promised perfume and dresses remain hanging on the shelves and hangers of stores – generosity is not the strongest side of your favorite.

Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.

Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».

Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию на ЛитРес.

Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.