There is always the sun behind the clouds
Living happily
Tatiana Grafova

A woman is born for love and happiness.

To be happy and share love and joy with others is our inherent need and our destiny.

Happiness is an art that needs practice, like playing the violin.

John Lubloc

To my daughter Anastasia

who inspired me to write this book

Cover designer Ekaterina Lobacheva

Editor Paul Stepto

© Tatiana Grafova, 2021

© Ekaterina Lobacheva, cover design, 2021

ISBN 978-5-0053-4456-4

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

This book has been written for women.

All women without exception.

Regardless of their age and race, nationality or religion, education or occupation.

It does not mean, however, that it is an absolute taboo for men.

In fact, they will only benefit from reading it.

It will help them to understand us better and to live with us in peace and harmony.

Why and how I wrote this book

To be honest, I wrote this book for myself, as a remedy for a long period of spleen bordering on depression that I fell into when my husband left me and my teenage daughter and moved to another city. At that point my heart turned into a black empty hole that urgently needed to be filled with something pleasant, joyful and positive. I felt terribly miserable and had no idea about how to go on living and what to do in the new circumstances.

My teenage daughter who saw my suffering, pining and crying and behaving like a captured animal in a cage, was apparently very wise for her age, as once she said to me, Mom, you need to do something with yourself, find an interest or a hobby, some kind of distraction, otherwise you’ll end up in an asylum. Take up sport or something else, write a book…

I don’t know why she threw in this particular phrase about writing a book (up to that moment the only book I had ever written or published was an English course book for adults).

The idea of writing a book was so unexpected that at first I didn’t pay much attention to it. But my heart and soul apparently welcomed the idea with joy and readiness because it kept coming back and turning in my mind over and over again.

A few days later the planted seed sprang into life when one sleepless night I sat up in bed, turned on the light, took a pen and a piece of paper and started making notes on the future book about what I could do to get back my ability to feel joy and happiness.

I thought then, Why don’t I try to be a psychotherapist for myself and pull myself out of this abyss of apathy and sadness?

I desperately needed this book for myself, in the first place, so I wrote it for myself, summing up my own knowledge and life experience as well as all kinds of different methods, ways and practices I had ever read or heard about on how to cheer myself up, lift my spirits and regain my joie de vivre and my ability to enjoy the tastes and bright colours of life.

And you know, it worked! The positive effect didn’t keep me waiting long. I got so deeply and enthusiastically involved in writing the book that very soon I forgot about my depression altogether. I no longer felt lonely, unhappy or abandoned and started to enjoy life again. My bad mood vanished into thin air, the dark clouds in my mind and soul were gone. I let the sun in and life suddenly became exciting and meaningful again.

I got what I wanted – I got over my depression. Two months later the manuscript was finished and I realized that I was a lucky owner of a cure for sadness and depression of my own making, that if I ever feel low, I could always open my book and find the right recipe to deal with that.

As I have already said above, I wrote this book exclusively for myself, and the idea of publishing it didn’t even occur to me. But life sometimes dictates its own rules. Soon after finishing the book I met a friend of mine who had just got divorced and was in a psychological state very similar to the one I had been in a few months before. And I thought, What if I give her my manuscript to read? If it helped me, who knows, maybe it can help her too?

The following day my friend called me and said: I was reading your book all night and couldn’t stop. Thank you very much. I feel much better now. You know, you should publish it. It can help other women in time of trouble and despair, it can cheer them up when they are going through hard times.

I thought, Why not give it a try? – and I gave the manuscript to a literary agent, then for a while I forgot all about it. Several months later the agent called me back to say that one of the publishing houses was interested and ready to publish my book. That was a very pleasant surprise indeed! Thus, in 2006 the book was published under the title “Commandments of a happy woman”.

Now as soon as I find myself feeling sad and notice the first symptoms of low spirits and apathy I take my book from the shelf and start leafing it through to refresh in my memory my own advice given to myself, and then I realize that life is going on, everything is fine and will be even better, if only I don’t despair, if I think positive and live with faith in myself and a smile on my face, if I remember that all the problems and troubles will eventually go away, if I don’t forget that hard times always preceed a change for the better, but first and foremost, if I never stop loving life and people around me and feeling grateful for everything.

When I happen to be in a bad mood (I am only human, after all) my friends would joke and ask me, When did you open your book last time? And then I remember with a smile that there is always the sun behind the clouds.

I hope that this book will help my readers to cheer up and stay positive and optimistic, whatever happens and despite everything.

Acknowledgments

I would have never written this book if my husband hadn’t left me and my daughter, then I wouldn’t have fallen into a deep depression that made me start writing this book in an attempt to get rid of it. So I’m grateful to my ex-husband Vladimir and to my depression, both of which are now gone and left in the past, thank God!

I would like to express my deep and sincere gratitude to my daughter Anastasia who accidentally dropped the phrase, Why don’t you write a book to distract yourself from sad thoughts? Of course, we all know that nothing in our life is really accidental, maybe my guardian angel or my subconscious, or both of them were speaking to me through her?

I want to say thank you to Julia Kazak who first brought up the idea of publishing this book and convinced me that it might be useful for other women too, not just myself.

I am very grateful to Natalia Sanina, my literary agent and friend, who supported my literary debut and helped me to publish the first Russian edition of this book.

I’m extremely grateful to my relatives and friends for being part of my life, for their support and faith in me.

We are very special

Dear women,

We are all so different.

No matter how hard you try, you will never find two identical raindrops, snowflakes or two identical grains of sand in a desert.

Likewise, there simply don’t exist two fully identical women.

Each of us is special and unique.

Each has her own individual charm.

But we all have one thing in common:

We belong to the exclusive race of women, and that speaks for itself.

No matter what politicians say about the equality of sexes and emancipation, we are very different from what is traditionally referred to as the “strong sex”.

It does not mean that we are better, or the other way around.

All it means is that we are very-very-very-very-very different from each other.

We, women, are special. We are not made of the same stuff men are made of.

Do you remember the children’s rhyme “What are little boys (and little girls) made of?”

Well, all the answers are there. And mind you, I’m only half-joking.

There is a lot of truth in that, even if it’s a little exaggerated.

Men and women don’t feel and perceive the world in the same way.

We are different both physiologically and psychologically.

Even our brain functions differently.

They say, the two hemispheres of a man’s brain work in turn, one after another.

Whereas in a woman’s brain both function simultaneously.

And who knows? – It may well be really the case!

Perhaps this explains why women can easily do two or even three things simultaneously, whereas a man can only do one thing at a time.

Men are known to love with their eyes and women – with their ears.

We are different in the way we experience orgasm.

We have a different sensitivity to pain: women are generally much more tolerant to it than men.

To cut the long story short, we are different in so many respects that it’s only natural that our needs should also be different and that we should have our own understanding of what happiness is all about. And as a logical consequence – our own, typically female means and ways of achieving it.

I know what I’m talking about because I happen to be a woman.

I have already walked my difficult path to happiness.

And now I want to share some of my discoveries made on the way and some secrets based on my own life experience that might help you to master the art of living happily ever after.

The Tibetian monks believe that wise people learn from other people’s mistakes, whereas those who choose to learn only from their own, subject themselves to unnecessary pain and suffering.

So why not try to be wise?

It’s obvious that there can be no single, unique and ready-made recipe of happiness for all of us.

It goes without saying and it is clear as broad daylight.

Each of us has her own style of wearing her clothes and her hair, her own special way of baking an apple pie.

And quite naturally, each of us must find her own way to happiness.

Simply because each of us is unique.

Each has to find her own Golden Key to open the secret door.

But still…

I am sure that each of you will find some useful hints and clues in this book, at least one or two “recipes” that you might like to try and that will help you to discover your own road to happiness.

I wish you a nice trip and good luck on the way!

To become happy is not always as difficult as it may seem at first glance.

Very often we ourselves overcomplicate our life and our relations with other people – our friends, husbands and lovers, children, bosses and subordinates.

In order to be happy, first and foremost you must sincerely want it, desire it with all your heart and soul.

As you know, Where there is a will there is a way.

Abraham Lincoln once said: “Most people are happy to the extent they wish to be happy. Happiness is inside us. It is not the result of outside circumstances”.

And it is a well-known fact that if a woman wants something really badly, there is no stopping her.

She can move mountains!

Or don’t you agree with me?

Well, now, if you want to become happy, start acting right now!

Don’t put it off till tomorrow!

As the saying has it: For a wise person every day opens a door to a new life.

A parable about the monk who committed a sin

Once I went to a lecture given by a well-known Russian Orthodox priest.

And he told us the following parable:

A young monk went to the nearby town on some errand for the monastery.

Once in town, he met a very beautiful girl, could not resist the temptation and committed a sin, breaking the vow of celibacy.

The next day he went to town again and on his way the Devil came up to him and said:

“You have sinned and cannot go back to the monastery and continue to serve God like you did before. Stay in this world and enjoy its pleasures to the full”.

And he tried to tempt him and persuade him not to return to the monastery.

But the monk said to him: “Yesterday it wasn’t me, it was somebody else”.

And he returned to his fellow-monks and to his former sinless and righteous life.

What is the message of this parable?

Why did the monk say that the day before it had not been him?

I think this is what it all means:

Of course, we can’t change our yesterday’s actions.

What is done cannot be undone.

But this does not mean that if we made a mistake yesterday, we can’t correct it today and start a new life.

On the contrary, we can and probably should let bygons be bygones, or let the dead bury their dead.

The wise monks living in the mountains of Tibet have always believed that there are no mistakes in life. There are only lessons to be learnt to move forward.

And the more difficult the obstacles we have to overcome, the more we can eventually achieve in our life.

Today is another day. And we are different from what we were yesterday.

As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus said 500 years B.C.,

You can’t go into the same river twice.

Certainly, we can’t because everything flows and changes, including ourselves.

This means that it is never too late to turn over a new leaf and start your life afresh.

Why not do it today?

Why not start right now?

Yesterday is dead and gone.

You can’t change it and it’s no use crying over spilt milk.

Tomorrow is out of sight.

So let’s stop being hostages of our past or building castles in the air and living in the world of dreams and make-belief, like Manilov – N.V.Gogol’s character from “The Dead Souls”.

You have to understand:

The true, real life is only here and now.

It is the present moment.

And this very moment can radically change your whole life.

But only upon one condition, only if you really want it.

If you are willing to change yourself, without expecting the world and the people around you to change first. If you are full of determination to change your attitude to life and to yourself.

If you are not yet ready for change, better close this book.

Put it aside till better times.

There is right time for everything under the sun.

Maybe your time has not come yet.

Or you have to find another way.

Well… if you have not yet thrown this book away into the nearest dustbin,

If you are still reading it …

No matter where you are now …

Even if you are in an overcrowded bus and are already late for the University or for work, close your eyes for one moment and say to yourself – under your breath but clearly and with feeling and conviction: “I want to be happy and I will be happy, by all means!

Nothing and nobody can stop me and stand in my way.

I’m setting out on my road to happiness right here and now.

This very minute.

This very second”.

Are you ready?

Then say these words and smile!

Yes, smile to yourself, smile at yourself and at the whole world around you.

Right here and now.

Why?

Because smile is the first commandment of a happy woman.

Chapter one
The magic of a smile

Share your smile with others and it will return to you many times.

(from the Russian children’s song “Smile”)

If you want life to smile at you, first give it your good mood as a gift.

(Spinoza)

If you are at home now, come up to the mirror.

Look yourself in the eyes, smile and say to your own reflection: “You are so pretty, clever, kind … (I don’t have to tell you about yourself. You know your own strong points and what a wonderful person you really are much better than anybody else).

I love you and accept you the way you are.

You deserve happiness and all the very best in life”.

But I must warn you: It may not work the first time.

I, too, found it a difficult thing to do at first.

Why so?

The answer is very simple.

It is because some of us have forgotten (or perhaps have never learnt) what it means to love ourselves.

But we are going to talk about that a little later in the book.

No matter where you are at the moment,

Even if you are in an overcrowded metro train during the peak of the rush hour,

Balancing on one foot and holding on to the rail with one hand and clutching this book in the other, all the same, smile!

Smile to yourself, smile at yourself and at the people around you.

I can hear some of you saying, “What is she talking about?! Is she crazy?

I will look like an idiot!”

Don’t think about what others might think of you.

Do you really care about what others might think of you?

We are now talking about you and your own happiness!

But if you still feel a little doubtful, I’ll tell you about one episode from my life.

An episode from my life

It happened a long time ago, when I was a University student.

Imagine a nasty day.

It has been raining non-stop since early morning and it is still drizzling with rain.

My mood is just as gloomy and hopeless as the weather.

I get off the bus into the grey joyless mist.

I make several steps forward.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see my bus slowly starting to move …

It is catching up with me and is about to pass me by when…

For reasons beyond my knowledge or understanding I raise my head … and meet the eyes of the bus-driver.

He is a handsome young fellow, a total stranger.

I see him for the first time in my life.

And he is smiling at me.

Suddenly and unexpectedly …

I can’t really explain why or how…

I return his smile and …

A miracle happens!

All of a sudden I feel absolutely and unconditionally happy.

My morning sadness and depression have both vanished into the thin rainy air.

They are gone with the wind.

I square my shoulders and raise my chin.

I feel beautiful and cloudlessly happy.

I never met this bus-driver again.

I don’t even clearly remember his face.

But there is something I remember perfectly well up to the present day:

It is the amazing feeling of total bliss that I felt when he smiled at me and I smiled back at him.

As simple as that!

Just one smile – as a gift from heaven.

A stranger’s smile and my smile in return.

And on the nastiest day of the year there was bright sun shining in my heart.

I was in a very good mood the whole of that day.

I felt as if I had suddenly grown wings and could fly.

It was almost like walking on air.

Whatever I did, went smoothly and perfectly.

Many years have passed since that day.

But even now when I feel sad, I go back in time and recollect that smile.

As a very special gift from the past.

And what is even more important – I can see it in my mind’s eye.

I can relive in my heart the feeling of happiness that I experienced at that moment.

And this nice and warm feeling comes back to me again.

On that cloudy and nasty day I understood and felt from the very bottom of my heart what people mean when they talk about the magic of a smile.

Since that unforgettable day these words are no longer simply a figure of speech for me.

Not just words with no meaning behind them.

They are a reminder of a miracle.

A memory that is always with me and has become part of my soul, as my secret token of good luck.

The song sung by a well-known Russian actress Ludmila Gurchenko in the film “The Carnival” has the following words:

If you leave home with a frown on your face,

If the sunny day doesn’t make you happy,

Let a total stranger smile at you as if you were his friend.

And then a smile will lighten up your eyes.

And your good mood will stay with you for the rest of the day.

A smile can perform miracles!

This is the truth.

Pure truth.

Nothing but the truth.

I know it from my own experience.

Sometimes it lasts but one moment but the memory of it may stay with you forever.

An obvious conclusion arises from this:

Try to smile more often.

Don’t be afraid of looking silly.

Your smile can change a lot of things for the better.

It will bring light and joy into your own life and into the lives of the people around you.

There is no doubt about it!

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

Even if you are not a born altruist or a Good Samaritan at heart, you have to understand one simple thing:

It is in your own selfish – in the good sense of the word – interests:

A smile brings out the best in a woman.

It improves her looks better that the most expensive make-up.

It immediately makes her look a lot younger and much-much more attractive.

Don’t worry about a few extra mimicry wrinkles!

It has long been tested and proven:

What really ages a woman and spoils her good looks is her negative emotions,

a gloomy, unhappy and dissatisfied face.

I try never to forget the words of a magic fairy from the film “Cinderella”:

We, fairies, are such delicate creatures that sadness ages us,

whereas joy makes us look younger.

This is true not only about fairies but also about women in general.

If you are not used to smiling, start learning right now!

Don’t put it off till tomorrow.

Practise in front of a mirror.

Learn to smile sincerely and openly, to smile from your very heart.

It is useless just to spread your lips in a poor imitation of a smile.

Learn to smile not only with your lips but also with your eyes.

When you smile, your eyes should shine and radiate light!

Don’t forget that our eyes are the windows of our soul.

Like any other skill, smiling requires practice. Fortunately, there should be no problem with that. Anybody can serve as a “guiney-pig”:

• your boss and colleagues

• your family and friends

• strangers in the street

• shop-assistants in a supermarket

• or fellow-passengers in public transport.

Try and you will make it!

It’s not difficult at all!

And very soon you’ll see the results.

If you are used to wearing a serious, gloomy or worried look on your face, if it has become a habit, an inalienable part of your character and your life style, almost your second nature, if you find it difficult to start giving smiles right and left, remember the happiest day of your life, or simply a nice funny episode.

Try to relive it again in your mind’s eye and smile!

This may become your first step on the road to happiness.

One more episode from my life

I remember my first trip to Paris.

I had been dreaming about it for years.

It was April. The chestnut trees were in full blossom.…

I was walking the streets, looking right and left … with every cell of my body inhaling the fascinating and intoxicating air of this wonderful city… and feeling on top of the world from sheer joy.

I was brimming with happiness!

And at some point I realized that I was walking along the street with a broad smile on my face, as they say, “a big smile – from ear to ear”.

But I was feeling so good that I simply couldn’t and, for that matter, didn’t want to restrain myself and hide a smile. And I didn’t care about what others might think of me.

I didn’t need any special reasons or permissions to smile and feel happy.

Despite everything and against all possible rules and conventions!

If you want to learn to smile again, let me give you a piece of friendly advice.

Try to remember the time when you were in love.

Imagine you are walking along the street or across the park … and all of a sudden you remember HIM.

A happy smile appears on your face.

It happens quite naturally, of its own accord.

You simply can’t help yourself because you are filled with joy, and it spills over – in the form of a smile.

And what’s even more important – remember the feeling of boundless happiness that you experienced at that moment.

Emotional memory is known to be the strongest and most lasting kind of memory, at least with us, women.

You can forget many details of some episode in your life.

But not your emotional state, if this episode was emotionally charged, if it involved strong feelings.

Try to remember that blissful state of being in love and to experience it again.

And then you will smile very easily, without any special effort on your part.

And you will feel so much better – as if a burden has been lifted off your shoulders, setting your soul free.

By the way, the Chinese believe that one should smile at everybody.

Even when you pick up the phone to answer a call or to give somebody a call.

They are absolutely convinced: the person on the other end of the line is sure to feel your smile and his soul is bound to react to it.

If you have doubts, try and test it yourself.

Moreover, make it a rule:

Even if the people around refuse to smile at you, show your generosity of heart and give them your smile.

In fact, it is those who don’t know how to smile themselves, who need other people’s smiles more desperately than anybody else.

Be generous in giving your smiles.

It doesn’t cost you anything.

But it does both yourself and others a world of good.

Well, here we are coming to …

The first commandment of a happy woman:

Smile as often as possible.

Smile both at friends and strangers, at yourself and at the world around you.

And then the world is sure to smile back at you and bring you most unexpected and pleasant surprises.

Chapter two
Listen to your heart!

It is only the heart that is wise and can see rightly.

What is essential is invisible to the eye.

(Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

Unlike men, women by their very nature tend to listen to their heart rather than to the voice of common sense and practical wisdom. And most of the time they behave and live accordingly.

Naturally, there is no rule without exception.

Only these exceptions, by their very existence, simply prove the general rule.

An episode from my life

Last time we were moving to a new flat we threw out or gave away to relatives and friends practically all our old furniture.

As a result, the first few days until we bought the new furniture, our living room was almost empty and if we wanted to watch TV, we had to sit on the carpet on the floor.

Once at the weekend my husband and I set out shopping to buy a new settee for our living room.

However, on the way we happened to stop by at a picture gallery to see the exhibition of modern Russian artists. And I fell head over heels in love with one of the pictures there. It was love at first sight that struck me like a thunderbolt.

The painting was so cheerful and full of optimism! So filled with light and air that I had the impression I could feel the light wind touching the flower petals in the picture on my own cheeks. It really caught my fancy. And without thinking twice, I bought it there and then, spending all the money that was intended for the purchase of the settee.

I brought it home, put it on the bare wall of our living room and was beyond myself with joy.

The prospect of living without a sofa for a few more days or even weeks did not in the least frighten, upset or bother me. I had my picture! And that was all that mattered! What else did I need?

When I felt low or was in a bad mood, when I came home tired at the end of the long day,

I stood near the window or sat down on the floor and for some time contemplated my favourite still-life on the opposite wall. After a few minutes my mood changed for the better and I regained my peace of mind. My heart grew light and I felt happy again.

Some of my friends and relatives couldn’t understand, to say nothing of approve of such light-minded behaviour on my part. But I never ever, not for one second, regretted that.

Eventually, we bought a nice cosy settee for our living-room.

But neither its purchase nor its presence in my flat could give me as much pleasure or satisfaction as my lovely picture.

Perhaps, from a man’s point of view it looked like a very irresponsible and childish thing to do. But it made me feel so wonderful!

It gave me so much positive energy!

By the way, this picture is still hanging in my flat and still has a very positive, psychotherapeutic, bordering on magic, effect on me.

An effect that no settee in the world, no matter how stylish or expensive it might be, could ever give me.

And I can hardly imagine how I could live without those wonderful flowers before.

This episode is just one example to show that women’s emotions and feelings – our spiritual life – often runs away with us and easily takes the upper hand in the fight with reason and practical considerations.

Personally I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

In fact, I believe that quite often it does us, women, a lot of good to listen to the wisdom of our heart rather than to the cold reason of our mind.

In the vast majority of cases women have better intuition than men.

We certainly have what is usually referred to as the elusive “sixth sense”.

The only problem is that some of us have lost the habit of listening to our heart, and what’s even worse – the habit of following its wise advice.

Try to remember how many times you heard that quiet voice inside you that told you to do something or warned you against doing something, but you didn’t listen, ignored this hardly-audible voice. And acted in accordance with reason, with the so-called common sense, as prompted by your ego.

Afterwards, post factum, we often realize our mistake, we understand that we shouldn’t have ignored the clue given to us.

But most of the time it is too late to change anything.

What is done cannot be undone.

And you can’t turn the clock backwards.

If you have lost the habit of listening to your heart, try to learn to do it again.

We are born with this natural gift.

It is a talent that we shouldn’t bury, otherwise we may lose it.

But don’t despair!

Fortunately, you cannot lose this ability altogether.

Like you can’t lose the skill of swimming or skating.

If you once knew how to do it you will never forget it.

All you have to do is plunge into the water or put on your skates and go on the ice.

And then the old skills that seem to have been irrevocably lost, will inevitably come back.

Listen yo your heart.

Remember its quiet voice.

Open the eyes and ears of your soul.

Grope for the lost link with your heart and your Guardian Angel and through him – with the spark of God inside you.

When you do that, a lot in your life will get back to normal or change for the better.

Well, this brings us to…

The second commandment of a happy woman:

Listen to your heart and do what it tells you!

Chapter three
There is always the sun behind the clouds!

Whatever happens is for the better.

(Russian proverb)

One of the most important commandments of a happy person (and it’s one of those cases where women are not an exception and resemble men) is:

• ability to be an optimist and to think positive,

• willingness and readiness to look on the bright side and to see the good even in what at first glance seems to be hopelessly bad.

We all have, at least once in our life, found ourselves in the situation when everything seemed to be going wrong, when life seemed to have lost all sense and meaning.

Never ever, under any circumstances, whatever happens, allow yourself the thought that life is meaningless and not worth living.

Every time you are inclined to think that way, when you are on the verge of despair, remember one important thing:

This is only a temporary and transitory state of affairs.

Very soon you will understand that no matter what has happened to you, life is going on.

You have just turned over one page or chapter of your life story and have opened a new one.

Like a child grows out of its shoes and clothes, we, too, grow out of life situations and relationships.

There is nothing bad or terrible about it.

It’s just as natural as breathing.

It’s simply a new stage of your personal development and growth.

When one door is closed, another is sure to open and give you a glimpse of new opportunities and new horizons.

An episode from my life

When I was in my third year at the University, I fell head over heels in love.

Our love affair developed at a sky-rocketing speed. I was even introduced to his parents.

But alas, it didn’t last long.

When we had a serious quarrel and parted,

I locked myself in my room and cried for several days on end.

I refused to eat and drink.

I seriously thought that my life was over, that I would never fall in love with anybody else, that I would never be happy again.

Nothing could distract me from my sad thoughts and cheer me up.

Nobody could comfort me, no matter how hard they tried.

Once at the University when I was still getting over our separation and instead of going to the next lecture was crying my heart out on the stairs, one of my professors, a woman, came up to me and said: “If you are crying because of a boy, stop it immediately. There is only one thing that’s worth shedding your tears over: it is the death or an incurable desease of somebody who is very dear to you. The rest are trifles that are not worth getting upset about, to say nothing of crying over”.

At that point I found it hard to take her word for it and even more difficult to follow her advice.

It was only later that I fully realized the truth and wisdom of her words.

It is a well-known fact that time is the best doctor.

It cures all wounds, including those of the soul.

Some time passed and I understood: “Life goes on and this old world will keep on turning”, despite everything.

Some more time passed and it dawned on me that I was very lucky indeed that we had parted then. As it turned out later, what my lover was really after was my Moscow registration. In those days marrying a Muscovite was the easiest and most pleasant way of staying in the capital and getting a good job after graduation from the University.

I learnt, among other things, that he had dated other girls as well, kept them in reserve, so to speak. Just to be on the safe side. He must have had a very pragmatic turn of mind and thought: If it doesn’t work out with one girl, it may work out with somebody else.

Eventually he got what he wanted and married a Muskovite.

Thank God, it was not me and our affair didn’t go much further than it actually had.

Now I’m fully convinced that whatever happens is always for the better.

But the problem is: this revelation often comes a little too late, only upon second thoughts.

And until this wise thought finally dawns upon us, we are torturing ourselves, like Sado-Masochists. And this is definitely not the best line of action.

Train yourself to believe that whatever happens is really always for the best.

I try not to forget the wise lines from the Russian film “Let’s live till Monday”:

“There is room for everything in our life: Good lives side by side with Evil.

If your fiancee abandons you for somebody else, it’s hard to to say who is the luckier and better off in the long run”.

I can’t help but agree with that.

And what about you?

An anecdote about the optimistic attitude to life

(heard by my Austrian friend in a restaurant in Rostov-on-Don)

A prisoner sentenced to death is sitting in his cell looking out of the window.

Suddenly he sees a prison guard crossing the yard with a bottle of vodka in his hand.

Hoping against hope that this bottle is meant for him, he exclaims:

“Life seems to be improving!”

Here is another example to illustrate the difference between an optimist and a pessimist:

Two prisoners sharing a prison cell are both looking out of the barred window but one of them only sees the mud and dirt under the feet of the passers-by, while the other one is watching the bright stars in the clear sky.

Try to be an optimist.

Don’t concentrate on the dirt below your feet.

Better look up at the stars.

If you have half a glass of water, choose to believe that it is half-full, as an optimist would say, rather than half-empty as a pessimist would be tempted to think.

It’s probably much easier to find a fly in the ointment, or find fault with little things and let them spoil your day or even your whole life, than to see a small ray of light in complete darkness and courageously follow it.

But perhaps, one shouldn’t take the line of least resistance and always swim with the current?

Well, here we come to …

The third commandment of a happy woman:

Never allow yourself to forget that there is always the sun behind the clouds, that whenever God strikes us on one cheek It always strokes the other.

Try to look on the bright side, choose to walk on the sunny side of the street and pay little or no attention to its dark, shadow side.

Learn to be a cheerful optimist and to think positive.

Chapter four
Movement is life

Mens sana in corpore sanum.

(Lat. Sound mind in a sound body)

If you remember to do your exercise,

you walk as if the whole world belongs to you.

(Sophie Lauren)

Movement is life, or, in other words, to move means to live.

Everybody knows this phrase.

But very few of us fully realize that these are not mere words, or stories invented by coaches and doctors.

This is the harsh reality of life.

A modern woman, for the most part, leads a sedantary way of life.

I would even say, too sedantary.

We sit at school and at the University, in the office and in front of our home PC or laptop.

We sit at the wheel of our cars and in the passenger seat on the plane.

We sit at the airport waiting for our flight to be announced, then on board the plane waiting first for take-off and then for landing, to say nothing of the flight time itself.

To make the long story short, we sit too much and we don’t move enough.

To use a more sophisticated and scientific turn of phrase, we all suffer from hypodynamia, which, in simple terms, means lack or deficit of movement.

It’s no use arguing this point.

This is the sad reality of the twenty-first century.

If you want to be fit both physically and psychologically and to look and feel accordingly, start doing something about it immediately.

I don’t mean anything extraordinary or out of this world.

Simply start to move more, to lead a generally more active way of life.

However, try to understand me correctly.

There is no need for extremes or heroic deeds.

I’m not calling on you to start exhausting yourself with hard training sessions and exercises beyond your power of endurance.

Or to imagine yourself “a walrus”¹ and dive into the icy water in winter without necessary preparation.

If at the moment you can’t join a fitness-club, swim in the pool three times a week or take up lawn tennis, don’t worry!

Start with small things.

Just take the first step, it’s this first step that costs.

And then, as you know, step by step one goes far.

If you have the will-power to get up a quarter of an hour earlier than usual, you can begin with a very short and tiny little set of simplest possible morning exercises.

And then take, if not a cold, at least a cool envigorating shower to wake you up.

I know from my own experience how difficult it is to resume keep-fit activities after a long break. And it’ s even more difficult to start from scratch, if you have never done it before.

Old habits die hard and new ones take time and effort to get established.

But believe me, you simply HAVE TO!

It’s an absolute MUST, which is necessary for your survival.

It’s for your own benefit – your own health and well-being!

From my own experience

When I resumed my visits to the fitness-club after an almost two-year break, at first, for a few weeks each time I had to force myself to go there, to literally drag myself by the ears.

I invented all kinds of excuses not to go there today, but better go tomorrow, next time, on Monday, in a week, after my period is over and so on and so forth.

Any time really, except today, except now.

However, every time I forced myself to go, already five to ten minutes into training I was extremely happy that I was there and started enjoying myself.

Leaving the club after the training session, I felt a little tired, but in a pleasant sort of way, and extremely pleased with myself.

My spirits rose. My mood drastically improved.

My eyes regained their brightness and my pale cheeks – their colour.

I felt an altogether different person, as if I was born again.

Now I know what was behind it all – “endorphin” – the so-called hormone of joy and happiness.

Luckily, as it turns out, our body produces it not only if we gulp down tons of bananas, ice-cream and chocolate, but also as a result of physical exercises.

And this is absolutely great!

Aren’t we fabulousy lucky?

I once got into conversation with an old friend of mine.

In terms of keep-fit activities, she has always been for me a good example to follow.

As long as I have known her, she has always led a very active sport life.

She regularly goes to the swimming pool and to a fitness-club.

She has tried virtually everything – step and pilates, yoga and belly dance…

To cut the long story short – you name it – she has done it or has at least tried it!

Sport and fitness have always been an indispensible part of her way of life.

But to my great surprise, even iron ladies like her, sometimes have their moments of weakness. After a long and tiring day in the bank she, too, sometimes fights the temptation, thinking to herself: What if I skip my yoga class today, go home and have an early night, just for once, just for a change?

But whenever she wins this inner battle with herself and overcomes her laziness, she never regrets it, as the same thing that I have experienced myself, inevitaby happens to her – she comes back to life, regains her cheerfulness, starts to enjoy life and have fun.

It’s extremely difficult to change your usual life routine.

Old habits always die hard.

Because, first of all, you have to defeat your own inertia and laziness, and the latter is known to be the mother of all other human sins.

In the early hours of the morning it is so nice, cosy and warm in you bed that you feel like staying there for a few more minutes instead of getting up and doing your morning exercises.

However, if you have made up your mind to turn over a new leaf, don’t postpone it.

Don’t put it off till some other time!

Pluck up what’s left of your will-power and start acting!

But hold on a minute!

Before you plunge into it, I’d like to warn you against possible mistakes you are likely to make.

These mistakes can spoil all your good intentions and put you off fitness for a long time, if not for good – in the worst-case scenario.

Some useful hints based on my own experience

• Never jump out of bed at the first sound of the alarm clock!

I must admit I used to do it myself, all the time.

It looked like something out of a cartoon film:

The alarm clock rings and I jump up and then out of bed, as if bitten by a wasp or swept up by a hurricane or tornado…

I‘m still only half-awake and can hardly see straight through my half-closed lids.

Despite that, I rush to switch off the alarm, bumping into things and knocking them over.

Isn’t that the right way to start the day wrong?

Besides, to crown it all, as I discover later, my legs are all bruised.

Never do that!

Cause if you do, what happens is you get up without waking up and you end up feeling half-asleep for the rest of the day. Like some insects or animals in early spring, after the long winter hibernation, you move as if in slow-motion.

You are half-asleep rather than half-awake, balancing between dreams and reality.

Just imagine spending your whole day like that!

If you can’t rely on your internal biological rhythm and can’t wake up without the alarm-clock, place it in such a way that you can easily switch it off, simply by reaching out for it, without leaving the sanctuary of your bed.

Well, the alarm-clock is silenced.

But before you get out of bed, stretch yourself – at leisure and with pleasure.

Try to think about something positive, something pleasant and nice.

It’s very important, as the thoughts you are thinking during the first few minutes after you wake up have a strong impact on the rest of your day.

If you let bad and pessimistic thoughts into your head, you may end up getting out of bed on the wrong side.

Then you may just as well forget about your high spirits and cheerfulness.

There are exercises that you can do without even getting from under the blanket.

It makes sense to start with those.

Slowly stretch your tip-toes as far as possible, then hold them back as far as you can.

Wait for a few seconds, then make a pause and relax.

Do it ten times with both feet together.

And then with one foot going forward and the other – backward.

You will feel the blood rush to your feet and legs, which wake up and are ready to serve you.

Now you can get out of bed, or at least sit up in it.

Sit up and slowly move your head. To the right and to the left, backward and forward, then make circlular movements with your neck.

Send the blood flowing into your brain.

It won’t hurt it to wake up as well.

Don’t you think? This is the beginning of a wake-up complex of morning exercises described by Anastasia Semenova in her book “Seven steps to happiness”.

I have tried it myself and find it very good indeed.

It doesn’t take up too much of my precious morning time.

I can do it in fifteen-twenty minutes but the effect is really wonderful!

So I strongly advise you to give it a try.

• To start a new life, it’s not at all necessary to wait till Monday.

You can forget this outdated stereotype with a clear conscience.

Blue Monday is a hard day as it is. There is no need to aggravate the situation even further.

Why make things more difficult than they actually are?

It’s so much better to start your life anew at the weekend or during holidays, when in the morning you don’t have to hurry to the University or to the office.

And when you have a real opportunity to devote more time to your own precious self.

It does not matter what you start with.

The most important thing is to take the very first step, which is usually the most difficult.

And not tomorrow, not next Monday or after the holidays.

Start TODAY!

Even if today is not Monday.

Particularly if today is not Monday.

• The laziest of us should better start with the easiest things.

If you can’t get up early to do the morning exercises,

if you don’t feel like torturing yourself with such exhausting things like colonetics… don’t despair and don’t lose heart!

First of all, try this very simple trick.

Make it a rule not to wait for a bus to go one or two stops but walk this short distance.

Don’t jump into your car each time you have to go to the chemist’s only two blocks away.

Go there on foot.

Just for a change, if not for other reasons.

Naturally, I wouldn’t recommend doing it on the coldest day of the year or when it’s pouring with rain. That would be the best way to kill any desire to travel otherwise than by car with a climate control on and could put you off walking for a long time, if not for the rest of your life.

It’s certainly best to turn over a new leaf in spring when the whole nature is waking up from its long winter sleep.

You fill up your lungs with fresh intoxicating spring air.

You can feel the winds of change blowing around you.

And it’s so much easier to follow the inspiring example of nature and change your way of life and your attitude to yourself and to the world around you.

But if you don’t want to wait till spring, if the whims of the changeable weather can’t frighten you off, don’t wait and start your new life TODAY!

Do it NOW!

Even if it’s a nasty autumn or a freezing winter day.

“There is no such thing as bad weather. Any kind of weather is a blessing”.

It’s a well-known fact that walking does you a lot of good.

It’s an extremely healthy and also a surprisingly easy and pleasant exercise.

It’s not a ten-kilometre cross-country race and not even jogging.

Nobody doubts that walking helps you to keep fit, and with the minimum effort on your part, too.

But as it turns out, this is not its only advantage.

Scientific research has proven that it also stimulates and impoves the functioning of your brain. But this refers mainly to women.

Which means it won’t help mental abilities of men, and the latter should look for other, probably more complicated ways of improving their thinking processes.

• Try to live a more active life and to move more!

It’s important not only for the slimness of your body and the firmness of your muscles.

It’s no less important for your general well-being and your mood.

Find your favourite ways and methods.

If you say that you are too busy to go in for sports, that you have no time for keep-fit activities, or that a year’s membership in a fitness-club costs a fortune, don’t fool yourself.

You are only looking for excuses.

This is nothing but your inner resistance to change and you have to overcome it.

You can do fitness virtually anywhere.

On your way to college or from work.

Even in the office if you lock yourself in for a least a quarter of an hour.

If you are interested and want to learn more about it, leaf through “Fit for Fun” magazine or other similar editions.

Some of the women I know are actively using its recommendations.

They have added some of their individual favourites and can now do a wonderful complex of exercises right in the office, practically at their working places.

A very simple exercise for home and office

When you sit in front of your PC or laptop the whole day, make a break from time to time and put one leg over the other thirty times in a row, in a high tempo.

Then do the same with the other leg and you’ll immediately feel the difference.

You’ll realise you’ve got muscles and they can hurt.

Naturally you shouldn’t do that during important negotiations with potential clients.

It can be grossly misunderstood and misinterpreted.

But whenever the boss leaves the office or turns his back, or your colleagues are going out for a smoke you can go ahead and exercise to your heart’s content.

There is one thing you can be a 100% sure of:

It’s much healthier than joining the others and poisoning yourself with a cigarette or yet another cup of coffee.

A few pieces of friendly advice

Here are some very simple ways to start moving more, practically for free, without any extra expenses and with minimal time losses.

• Walk more. It’s much more effective than you can imagine.

• Walk up and down the stairs, in the metro, in the office and at home.

Don’t use the lift (up to a point and within ⠀ reasonable limits, of course. I don’t mean climbing to the top floor of a skyscraper every day of the week) but if it’s only a matter of several flights of steps, don’t be lazy and use your feet.

By the way, here is an interesting fact:

It would appear that going downstairs is much easier than going upstairs.

But it turns out that, strange though it may seem, we are using up more calories when we go down and not up. Just bear it in mind, especially if you are planning to lose weight.

• Remember your childhood and jump the rope or do the hullahoop.

It’s good both for shaping your body and training your heart.

• Dance more.

Use every opportunity to dance – go to discos or take dancing lessons.

You can also dance at home to your favourite dancing music.

• Try to discover what your favourite sport is.

It can be anything whatsoever – skiing and snowboarding in winter or roller-skating and mountain-climbing in summer, swimming or cycling, Latino or belly dancing, Yoga or pilates.

The choice is entirely your own.

The only really important thing is that you have to enjoy doing it, it’s got to be fun.

• Choose the best time of the day to do sports.

If you are an incorrigible “owl” in your sleeping habits, you will find it terribly difficult to get up even fifteen minutes earlier in the morning.

No problem with that.

There is no rule about jogging or doing exercises only in the morning.

If you want to, you can just as well do it in the evening.

Moreover, American scientists have discovered that it’s even better to do jogging in the evening.

You may believe it or not, but why not try it yourself, especially if by nature you are definitely “an owl” and not “a lark”?

By the way, quite recently when I was in Paris, I was surprised by the number of people of both sexes, jogging in the evening, right in the centre of Paris, practically below the Eiffel Tower.

And shortly before that I witnessed a similar thing in the neigbouring Belgium – in the parks and boulevards of Brussels.

So it looks like jogging in the evening is quite in the spirit of the times.

Now it’s up to you to start jogging one beautiful morning or evening.

When you do it – is entirely up to you to decide.

It depends on your taste, your biological rhythm and sleeping habits.

Well…

It doesn’t matter where, how and what you do in terms of fitness and sports.

Likewise, it doesn’t matter what time of the day you choose for it.

There is only one thing that really matters: not to forget the important rule of well-being and high spirits, without which a woman simply can’t feel happy.

And that is…

The fourth commandment of a happy woman:

Try to lead a more active way if life.

Move more and stay in a good form!

(Naturally I mean your physical form and not the products of the leading producers of sports clothes!)

Chapter five
We are what we eat

Eat to live but don’t live to eat.

(English proverb)

The German proverb has it: “Man ist was man isst”, or “A man (=a person) is what he eats.”

This is largely true.

If you want to look and feel well, don’t harm yourself, which means:

• Don’t poison yourself with the so-called fast food.

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Примечания

1

In Russia we call the brave and cold-resistant people who swim in the ice-holes in winter “walruses”.

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