A Sprinkle of Sabotage
A Nosey Parker Cozy Mystery
Fiona Leitch

One More Chapter

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First published in Great Britain by HarperCollinsPublishers 2021

Copyright © Fiona Leitch 2021

Cover design by Lucy Bennett © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2021

Cover images © Shutterstock.com

Fiona Leitch asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Source ISBN: 9780008436605

Ebook Edition © March 2021 ISBN: 9780008436599

Version: 2021-03-01

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Jodie’s tried and tested recipes #3

Acknowledgments

Thank you for reading…

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About the Author

Also by Fiona Leitch

One More Chapter...

About the Publisher

Chapter One

‘I’m ready for my close up, Mr DeMille.’

Daisy and I were in the kitchen eating breakfast but turned round at the sound of Mum’s voice.

‘What the—’ I spluttered, almost choking on my tea. Daisy’s mouth dropped open and a piece of half-chewed toast fell out. Germaine, our Pomeranian fur baby who had been lurking under the table hoping for scraps, took advantage of the distraction and gobbled it up.

My seventy-year-old mum stood in the doorway, clad in a floor-length black gown covered in sequins, several of which were barely hanging on by a thread. She had a bright-pink pashmina around her shoulders and lipstick that matched it. Long diamanté drops dangled from each ear, earrings that I recognised from my own stash of costume jewellery that hadn’t been worn for years. I thought she’d probably been going for a neatly coiffured up-do with her hair, but it looked like a magpie had made a nest on the top of her head, shoved in a cheap stolen tiara, and then squirted it with a liberal application of hair spray to stop it moving.

Daisy recovered her senses before I did. ‘That’s a … a bold look, Nana,’ she said, with a diplomacy that belied her tender years. Mum beamed at her and I swallowed hard; I couldn’t let her leave the house looking like this. It was 8.30 on a Saturday morning in sleepy Cornwall and she resembled a woman of geriatric easy virtue.

‘You look very… That dress is… It’s quite…’ I was lost for words, which doesn’t happen very often. When you’re a copper – which I had been, in a previous life – you come across all kinds of bizarre scenarios where what you say can be the difference between defusing the situation peacefully or making it all kick off. However, none of those previous cases had involved my mum. I fell back on a line that was the last resort of bewildered police officers the world over. ‘So what’s going on here, then?’

Mum attempted a look of affronted dignity, but just ended up looking constipated. ‘It’s the casting today, isn’t it?’ she said, in a voice that clearly suggested I should know what she was talking about. But I didn’t.

‘What casting? What are you going on about?’

She tutted as if you really couldn’t get the domestic staff these days and extracted a leaflet from the gold lamé evening bag she was clutching. I took it from her and read it aloud for Daisy’s benefit.

‘‘Ever wanted to be in a movie? Now’s your chance! Extras wanted for period drama filming in October at Polvarrow House, Penstowan Cross. Good rates of pay. Casting session Saturday 27th September from 10 a.m.’’ I looked at Mum. ‘So this is why you’re dressed up like Audrey Hepburn coming down from a bad acid trip, is it? This is why you got me to take you home yesterday, to pick your outfit up?’ Mum had her own house, but she more or less lived with us now that we’d moved back to Penstowan, enjoying the idea of independence without any of that tedious having-to-clean-your-own-bathroom business.

‘I was going more for a Downton Abbey look,’ said Mum reproachfully. ‘The film people popped in to the coffee morning on Wednesday.’ The local church held an OAPs’ coffee morning every week, which was a hotbed of gossip, scandal, and discussion about, I dunno, surgical stockings, heartburn tablets, and funeral insurance. What else would they have to talk about? ‘They asked us to put the word out as they'll need a lot of extras. I told them my daughter would bring me along.’

‘Would have been a good idea to tell me that,’ I grumbled, but I didn’t really mind. I didn’t have anything much planned for the day.

Daisy turned to look at me, excitement in her eyes, and I knew what she was going to say before she even opened her mouth.

‘Yes, you can come too,’ I said, ‘although I can’t promise they’ll need anyone of your age.’ I turned the leaflet over in my hand; there were more details about the movie on the back. ‘It says here it’s a period fantasy drama – whatever that means – with a top-notch cast including—’ I sucked in my breath and looked at Daisy with wide eyes. ‘Zack Smith!’

Daisy looked like she would fall off her chair. ‘Zack Smith? Oh my God, you’re joking! He’s amazing.’

‘Who the heck’s Zack Smith?’ asked Mum, hobbling further into the room and slipping off her high-heeled but wide-fitting shoes.

‘You remember that thing we watched the other night, with the soldier who got involved with MI6 and they had him hanging from the London Eye with his shirt off?’ Daisy blushed slightly. She would be thirteen in a couple of weeks and I’d known it was only a matter of time before she discovered boys, but it appeared to be happening already.

‘The fat bloke with long hair?’ Mum screwed up her face, trying to remember.

‘No, Nana,’ said Daisy impatiently. ‘You’re thinking of the wrong film. The one where they chase him through the underground and then trap him on the London Eye, and then he jumps into the river and escapes. The young black guy with the six-pack.’

‘I never quite worked out how he ended up without his shirt on,’ I said. ‘Apart from the fact it showed off his abs, which obviously made quite an impression on you.’

‘No!’ Daisy protested hotly. ‘So what if it did, anyway? I bet you fancied David Hasselhoff or someone cheesy like that when you were my age.’

‘The Hoff? How old do you think I am?’ I asked, offended. ‘It was Mr Darcy…’

‘Yeah, you do know he’s a fictional character, right?’ Daisy looked at me as if I were some kind of weirdo. Which was probably fair enough.

‘They did it on the telly,’ I explained. ‘Colin Firth coming out of the lake with a wet shirt on was a very special moment in my formative teenage years.’

‘Ooh now, that Colin,’ said Mum. ‘He’s a lovely-looking fella. I wouldn’t mind sharing my electric blanket with him.’

‘Mum!’ I said, exasperated.

She laughed. ‘You can’t tell me you’d rather curl up in bed with a good book than with Mr Darcy himself! I’d even get a trick hip fitted for him.’

‘Honestly, you’re— What do you mean, a trick hip?’ The minute the words left my mouth I regretted it; I did not want to know what a trick hip was, not coming from my own mother.

‘You know Margery? Married to Alf the butcher? The one with the facial hair?’ I nodded. Poor Margery did indeed have an unfortunate amount of chin fluff, far more than her pasty-looking husband. ‘She had a new hip done a couple of years ago but it never healed right. She told me it pops out of the socket when they…’ She gave me a meaningful look and a nod.

Daisy and I looked at each other, aghast.

‘I feel nauseous,’ said Daisy, laying down the piece of toast in her hand with a pained expression. ‘I may never eat again.’

‘Always a good idea to keep the man in your life happy,’ said Mum. ‘How do you think she got her new dishwasher?’

I hadn’t been to Penstowan Cross for years. It was one of those nothing places you only went to if you lived there. It was basically a remote country crossroads, on the four corners of which sat a church, a rundown pub, an even more rundown garage (one petrol pump for cars, one for tractors), and a handful of houses. It was a toss-up whether the pub or the church attracted more visitors, but neither did as much business as the garage, and all three had seen better days. None of the four roads that made up the cross led anywhere particularly interesting, apart from (or maybe including) the one that led back to Penstowan itself. And of course the one that took you to Polvarrow House.

I piled everyone, including the dog, into the car and we set off.

‘Margery and Alf,’ began Mum. Daisy and I shuddered at the thought of the gymnastics Margery had apparently done to get her new dishwasher. ‘They live out this way now, on the new estate.’

‘What new estate?’ I asked. The crossroads lay up ahead.

‘The new owners of Polvarrow sold off some of their land, didn’t they?’

‘I dunno, did they?’ Mum seemed to forget sometimes that I’d been away for the best part of twenty years, and the ins and outs of life in her little bit of Cornwall didn’t tend to make it onto the London evening news.

‘Yeah, they’ve proper brought the area up,’ said Mum. She wasn’t kidding.

The pub had had a massive makeover. The paintwork was fresh, tables were dotted about cheerfully on the grass verge out the front, and I could see round the side that the beer garden was looking, well, like a beer garden, rather than a Cold War-era No Man’s Land. Hanging baskets decorated the front of the building, still full of flowers despite it being very much autumn. The old garage had been taken over, rebranded with in-your-face corporate signage, more pumps (with higher prices), and an on-site supermarket. And despite the fact that you can’t really give a church a makeover as such, it still managed to look brighter and more welcoming; a place to gather and give thanks, rather than to confess terrible sins and get a dose of hellfire.

I turned the car towards Polvarrow House. I’d only been to the house once before, when my ex-husband Richard, a.k.a ‘that cheating swine’, and I were planning our wedding. I’d had these big ideas of having the reception at a country house, and on a trip down to visit my parents (on my own, as usual) I’d heard that the owners were thinking of making it a wedding venue to help with the costs of running the house. I hadn’t mentioned it to anyone – to be honest, I was torn between having the big dress and the fancy wedding, and just going off somewhere hot and getting married on the beach (in the end we did neither) – and I’d taken myself off for an afternoon to have a look around.

It had been awful. The house had looked decent enough(ish) from the outside, although the grounds were slightly wilder than I had expected, with none of the neatly clipped box hedges or striped lawns that I’d imagined; but once inside, the full extent of the disrepair and neglect the building had fallen into became all too apparent. Instead of the beautiful period decor I’d been hoping for, handprinted wall coverings, plaster mouldings, and gilding, there was woodchip wall paper – that weird embossed paper that you put up and then paint over. It had been painted over in a kind of stale-tobacco yellow; or maybe it hadn’t been painted over and it was down to generations of heavy smokers. The furniture was a bizarre mismatch of old antique pieces, most of which needed re-upholstering, and flatpack stuff from Ikea. There was a strange, musty, and unpleasant smell emanating from somewhere, and the thought of inviting my guests to sit down and eat something that had been prepared in that mould-ridden cesspit of a kitchen made my insides go all squirmy. No thanks. I had quickly made my excuses and left, but not without seeing the look of utter helplessness and despair on the owners’ faces. I felt sorry for them, lumbered with this monstrous house, but not that sorry. I hoped the new people had worked their magic on their own home as much as they had on the village.

We drove past the entrance to the new estate, which was all grass-verged cul-de-sacs, internal garages, and identical boxy but neat detached houses, then turned into the long driveway towards Polvarrow House. The wrought-iron gates stood open, painted glossy black with a curly PV motif picked out in gold; there was no sign of the rust that had blighted them on my previous visit.

We headed along an avenue of elm trees, their leaves beginning to colour into that almost lime-green that would turn to yellow then bronze as autumn established itself more fully on the landscape. To the right, a narrow strip of neatly trimmed grass was bordered by huge shrubs – ancient rhododendrons and azaleas by the look of it, although I’m hardly a horticultural expert and they are just about the only plants I can ever recognise. Beyond them lay the back gardens of the new houses, bordered by black iron railings.

The avenue curved left, away from the housing estate, and we were greeted with our first view of Polvarrow House itself, looking rather more salubrious than when I’d last been there. There were box topiary balls in big stone planters lining the driveway, and the ornate carved fountain that had been cracked and covered in green moss the last time I’d seen it was now shooting plumes of water into the air that landed with a gentle plashing sound in the pool below.

‘Wow,’ said Daisy, and I had to agree.

‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it?’ I said.

‘I didn’t mean the house,’ she said, and then I saw what she was looking at.

It looked like Hollywood – or the behind-the-scenes part of it, anyway – had come to Cornwall. There was a whole village of tents, motorhomes, and trucks parked on the gravel at the side of the house. There didn’t seem to be any filming going on, but it was still a hive of activity – movie people with clipboards walking around looking important, talking into mobile phones, and gesticulating wildly. I pulled up next to a friendly-looking older man who was just about the only person standing still, and wound down the window. He bent down to speak before I could say anything.

‘Hello! Are you here for the casting?’ he said. All three of us nodded. ‘Lovely! Just follow the drive round to the back and park up, then follow the signs.’ He stepped back with a smile, and indicated where to go.

We drove around to the back of the house. The car park was rammed, and I recognised a few cars. We parked up and got out of the car. I had managed to persuade Mum to change into something a little less eccentric, tempting her with the promise of a visit to the local garden centre afterwards. She always enjoyed pottering around and looking at the plants, even though she had brown fingers like I did and rarely bought anything. They also have a particularly good café there, and I had learnt long ago that my mum would do pretty much anything for a toasted teacake and a nice cuppa.

We followed the signs for ‘Casting’ back round to the front of the house and towards a big marquee tent. The friendly man we’d spoken to earlier stood outside and smiled as he saw us.

‘You found somewhere to park? Marvellous!’ he said enthusiastically.

‘Are you the director?’ asked Daisy. He laughed.

‘Oh, good Lord no,’ he said. ‘I’m nothing to do with all this. I’m David Morgan, the owner of Polvarrow.’

‘You own this place?’ I said. ‘It’s beautiful. I came here once, years ago when the last owner was still here, and it was in a right state.’

He nodded. ‘Yes, they were lovely people but I think the repairs had just got on top of them. It’s very expensive, running a place like this.’

‘But worth it.’

He turned and looked proudly at the house. ‘Yes. Yes, it is.’

We all admired Polvarrow House for a moment, then—

‘Nosey!’ We turned to see my oldest friend in the world, Tony Penhaligon, standing in the doorway of the tent, clutching a piece of paper. He waved it at us. ‘Come to put your name down?’

‘Don’t tell me your mum dragged you along here too?’ I said, as Germaine rushed over to him, tail wagging. She was always pleased to see him. He dropped onto his haunches and started to make a fuss of her.

‘Nobody dragged me,’ he said, laughing as Germaine snuffled at his hand, then at his pockets. ‘I’m sorry, gorgeous, no treats for you today.’

‘I wasn’t expecting any,’ I said. He straightened up, eyebrows raised.

‘You do know I was talking to the dog?’

I sighed. ‘Yes. I’m used to her getting more attention than me. So what, you really want to be in this film?’

‘Yeah!’ Tony nodded enthusiastically. ‘I always wanted to be up on the big screen. Don’t you remember, all the school plays…?’

‘Ooh yes!’ said Mum. ‘I remember. You did The Wind in the Willows.’

‘Guess who I was?’ Tony turned to Daisy, who was trying to calm the dog down.

‘The wind,’ I murmured.

‘You were just jealous because I got the lead role and what were you? Oh yeah, the old washerwoman!’

‘You did have to go on stage in front of everyone with your face painted green,’ I pointed out.

‘So jealous…’

‘Do we have to audition?’ said Daisy. ‘Do they make us do a screen test, like you see on the telly?’

‘No,’ said Tony. ‘You just fill in the form and wait for them to call you. They give you a once over to make sure you look right—’

‘Look right?’ I asked.

‘It’s a period drama, innit? No tattoos or nose rings.’ Tony winked at Mum. ‘Better cover up them tattoos of yours, Shirley!’

Mum giggled. I rolled my eyes. Tony had always been able to wrap my mum round his little finger, much more so than I could, which was hardly fair.

‘And that’s it?’ said Daisy. She’d been excited but a little nervous at the idea of having to get up and perform in front of everyone, I thought, and she looked relieved. Tony nodded.

‘That’s it. Nothing to worry about. Here.’ He led us into the tent. Just inside was a long table covered in forms and mugs full of biros. A bored-looking woman sat behind it, scrolling through her phone. She barely looked up as we entered. Along the side of the tent were a couple of rows of seats, most of them full, while at the other end stood another table, this time with a man and a woman seated behind. He called, ‘Next!’ and the occupant of the seat nearest to them stood up and handed over a completed form, then waited awkwardly in front of them. Everyone in the seats stood up and shuffled along to the next chair.

Mum and Daisy both took a form and went to sit down while they filled them in. Tony looked at me expectantly but I shook my head.

‘Nope. I have no desire to see myself on the big screen.’

‘Really? I don’t believe you.’

‘I don’t!’

‘You just don’t want to get cast as a washerwoman again.’ Tony grinned and I aimed a slap at him, which he dodged easily. ‘No, look, think about it. It’s really easy. All you have to do is stand around and go ‘rhubarb, rhubarb’ or whatever. They pay you a hundred quid a day and feed you, just for standing there in a costume.’

‘A hundred quid?’ It was tempting, but … no. ‘You don’t need the money, though, do you? The shop’s doing all right?’ Tony ran the town’s only department store, which had been owned by his family for several generations.

‘The shop’s doing fine, I just want to be a movie star. Good job I’ve got a nice boss.’ He looked at me seriously. ‘How much work you got on at the moment?’

‘Enough,’ I said, but I didn’t actually have any. My catering business was slowly picking up, but it was the wrong time of year for weddings or outdoor events, and Christmas party season wouldn’t start for another couple of months yet. Truth be told, I was living off my savings, and they wouldn’t last for much longer.

‘Really?’ Tony lowered his voice. ‘Come on, Jodie. This is easy money. I worry about you…’

‘You really don’t need to.’

‘Yeah, I do. I don’t want you running out of money and moving back up to London; I’ve got used to having you around again.’ He smiled. ‘I need you here to bail me out if I get into trouble. Not that I’m planning another disastrous wedding or anything.’ My first job back in Penstowan had been catering for Tony’s nuptials with his then-fiancée Cheryl, and to say it hadn’t gone according to plan would be an understatement. His ex-wife’s body had turned up in the venue’s shrubbery, and Cheryl had done a runner in fright, making it look like Tony had done away with both of them.

I looked at him. ‘You’d better not be. I don’t think Nathan would want me under his feet on another murder investigation.’

‘Oh, I dunno. I think he enjoys it…’ Tony looked around as the man behind the table called, ‘Next!’ again. ‘All right, at least come and sit with us.’

We joined Daisy and Mum. They were excited and chatted with Tony but I sat there thinking, a hundred quid a day, just for standing around in a costume? I could actually use a hundred quid a day. It was Daisy’s thirteenth birthday in a couple of weeks and I knew what I wanted to get her, but wasn’t sure if I could really afford it. And the Gimpmobile – my catering company van, so called because of its previous owner’s, um, interesting retail business – had developed a clanking noise that couldn’t even be drowned out by having the radio on full-blast, which was normally my go-to repair strategy. I hoped it was just a temporary malaise and not a death rattle, but I feared it was the latter.

I nudged Tony. ‘Are you sure that’s how much they’re paying?’

‘Yup. I asked.’

‘How many days will they need us for?’

‘I dunno, but they’re only here for two weeks. Apparently they’ve already shot most of the film up in Scotland.’ He chuckled. ‘I thought you weren’t interested?’

‘I wasn’t.’ I lowered my voice. ‘But Daisy needs a new computer, so I wanted to get her a fancy one for her birthday. She’s getting into photography and I want to get her all the software, and it’s really expensive.’

‘Then do this, for God’s sake! It’ll be fun! We’ll get to hang out together!’ Tony jumped up and grabbed another form, then sat down and thrust it into my hands. ‘Fill that in and stop being daft.’

So I stopped being daft – how could I turn down that amount of money, just for putting on a posh dress and standing around looking posh in a posh house? – filled in the form, and waited my turn. The casting people finally got to us, looked the four of us over, nodded, and sent us away with a promise that they’d be in touch with a shooting schedule. Even Daisy was told she’d get a call, although they’d probably only need her for one day.

‘So that’s that, then,’ said Mum. ‘I’m ready for my toasted teacake, Mr DeMille.’

Chapter Two

It was just over a week later that I got the call. Daisy was at school and Mum wasn’t needed on set (I was already getting the lingo down), so I left her dog-sitting and made my way to Polvarrow House.

‘YES!’ My friend Debbie pounced on me the minute I got out of the car. She was a loud (very loud) Mancunian, and she’d married my high-school crush (who was still a lovely bloke, although not quite the stud muffin at forty that he’d been at sixteen), but she was a lot of fun and I’d been very happy when she’d moved down to Penstowan with Callum and their two children after Tony’s ill-fated wedding a few months ago.

‘Tony said you were signed up for this,’ she said, pulling me in for a quick hug and then releasing me, smoothing out the material of her dress. ‘This is gonna be a right laugh, innit? What do you think of the threads?’

She gave me a quick twirl. I had to admit she looked amazing in her costume. It was a long silk gown in a peacock-blue-green shade – my favourite colour. It was an Empire cut, the type that fits tightly under your boobs and then flares out, hiding any chubby bits. And it enhanced a couple of areas that on Debbie really didn’t need enhancing. I nodded towards her impressive cleavage.

‘You could park a bike in that,’ I said, and she giggled.

‘I know! Good, innit? I sent Callum a selfie and he was all for rushing over here and loosening me corsets.’

‘So when’re you getting into costume?’ I said, and she laughed again.

‘Mate, we are going to have so much fun… Go on, go and get your frock on!’ She pushed me towards a large trailer that was parked next to the old stable block.

The trailer was a scene of organised chaos. The wardrobe mistress, a woman in her fifties with a mass of frizzy hair, tiny glasses on her nose, and a tape measure around her neck, ploughed through a crowd of extras who were all squirming into their dresses and zipping each other up.

‘Don’t tug at it; you’ll rip the fabric,’ she said to one woman, whom I recognised from the local supermarket. ‘Breathe in.’

‘If I breathe in any more I’ll turn blue,’ muttered the woman under her breath. I smiled at her sympathetically.

‘Then at least you’ll match the dress,’ said the wardrobe mistress. She turned to me. ‘Name?’

‘Jodie Parker,’ I said, reaching out for a dress that was hanging on a rail near me. She snatched the dress away.

‘Hold on…’ She consulted the clipboard in her hand, then looked me up and down with a thin smile. ‘Ah yes, you’re not with this lot. Over here.’ She led me away from the rack of beautiful silk dresses to another one that looked like a rail of potato sacks.

You have got to be kidding me, I thought, as she handed me my outfit…

‘Oh dear Lord!’ Tony was the last person I wanted to see while I was in this get-up, so of course he was the first one I met when I left the tent. I scowled at him.

‘Don’t say a word,’ I growled. He wiped the smile off his face, but it didn’t stay off for long.

‘I’m sorry, I just… I can’t believe you got the washerwoman part again!’ He laughed, but it was more sympathetic than mocking.

‘It’s not fair,’ I grumbled, fully aware that I sounded like Daisy being told she couldn’t stay up past 9 p.m. on a school night. ‘I mean, have you seen Debbie? She looks gorgeous. That dress of hers—’

‘I didn’t think you were a dress person?’ asked Tony reasonably enough, as he’d only ever really seen me in jeans and T-shirts, as an adult anyway.

‘I’m not. I’m not a flipping potato-sack person either, though.’ I flopped down on a bench. ‘I am never going to live this down. All you lot are the aristocracy and I’m a maid.’

Tony smiled and sat next to me. ‘If it’s any consolation this isn’t the most comfortable outfit I’ve ever worn.’ He tugged at the neckline of his shirt. It had ruffles on it.

‘That is a smashing blouse you’re wearing,’ I said, giggling.

‘Yeah, I can see this style really catching on down the King’s Arms on a Friday night. All the lads coming in for a pint after being out fishing all day, they go wild for a frilly shirt.’ He smiled at me and I felt better, even though the fabric of my horrible brown dress felt like hessian and I could already feel it chafing under my arms.

‘You do realise I’m going to take loads of photos of you in that blouse – and those trousers! How tight are those trousers?’

‘My meat and two veg feel like they’ve been vacuum-packed,’ said Tony, getting to his feet to show me exactly how tight they were. Good Lord, they were rather tight. I swallowed hard. What had I been saying? Oh yes.

‘I’m going to take loads of photos of you in that get-up and whenever you annoy me, a new one’s going online…’

We sat and watched as members of the crew scuttled back and forth across the grounds, darting in and out of the trailers that were parked along the gravel drive. Tony pointed to one.

‘See that big one there? That’s Faith Mackenzie’s trailer.’

‘Faith Mackenzie? I didn’t know she was in it. Who else?’

‘Well, Zack Smith’s the main draw, isn’t he? I bet you knew he was in it.’ I nodded vigorously and he grinned. ‘From what I can make out he’s the young pretender to the throne or the rightful heir or something – you know how these things work. Faith is the evil queen, and she’s married to Jeremy Mayhew.’

‘Who’s that? The name rings a bell.’

‘He was in that cop show years back, Bagnall. The one up North. Last seen in Game of Thrones, where he died a hideous death.’

‘Didn’t everyone?’ I said. ‘I know who you mean. I thought he’d died of alcohol poisoning or something years ago.’ Mayhew was a Liverpudlian actor, handsome in a craggy-faced kind of way, what they used to call a ‘man’s man’ – basically, a heavy drinker with a short fuse and a sexist attitude to women. Faith had reached that age where she had officially been declared a National Treasure, having started life as a model, then acted in a few minor Hollywood movies in the Eighties before becoming a staple of British television and, more recently, a long-running cast member on an even longer-running soap opera. ‘How do you know all this, anyway? This is only our first day on set.’

‘I talk to people.’

‘You mean you’re as blooming nosey as I am!’

Tony grinned and shook his head. ‘I ain’t nosey, I’m a people person. And then there’s the love interest, because you’ve always got to have a love interest. Another one I’ve never heard of, Kim Tacky-something. Japanese, I think…’

I thought hard. ‘Kimi Takahashi? She was in that superhero movie a couple of years ago, with the machines that turn rogue.’

‘Terminator?’

‘No, no, much more recent than that, it was a kids’ film. Daisy was obsessed with it. She played a toaster or something.’ Tony burst out laughing. ‘I’m being serious! She was like, the soul of this four-slice Breville sandwich press—’

Tony put his hand on my leg to steady himself as he laughed hard. I normally wouldn’t even have noticed, but those snug breeches had had a rather disquieting effect on me. ‘Stop it, you’re killing me,’ he gasped. ‘Oh God, these trousers are so tight. One big sneeze and this crotch is toast.’ And that started me off too.

We got a few strange looks, this weirdly dressed couple having hysterics on a bench while all around us were people getting on with their jobs, but if anything, that made it harder to stop.

But we did stop – eventually – and Debbie came to join us, looking at our red faces and watery eyes curiously. Not long after, we were called onto the set – the grand ballroom.

Polvarrow House hadn’t had a grand ballroom when I’d last visited, but it did now.

‘Wowsers…’ I said, as we were herded into the room, and even Debbie, who wasn’t easily impressed, whistled through her teeth.

‘Bloomin’ ’eck!’

The room was light and airy, with huge windows along one side that looked out onto the grounds. The last time I’d seen this room it had been in dire need of a repaint and had been crowded with furniture. Now it had all the period details I’d been hoping for: a huge marble fireplace at one end, with white plaster cornicing and decorative mouldings on the ceiling. There was a massive mirror over the fireplace and someone had gone crazy with the gilding, but when I looked closer I could see that a lot of it was just gold paint; the film crew had done a few temporary alterations to make the room even grander than the bones of it suggested. There were heavy gold velvet drapes at the windows, and lights and candles everywhere, reflecting off the white marble and the gilding; the room felt dressed for night-time.

‘Right, hello everyone!’ A businesslike but smiling young woman stood in front of the assembled extras. ‘My name’s Lucy. I’m the first AD’ – a woman in the crowd of extras raised a hand – ’first assistant director. I’m kind of the liaison between our director, Sam Pritchard, and everyone else.’ The woman put her hand down. Lucy smiled again. ‘Okay, so as you can see, we’re at a ball. We’re going to meet our handsome young pretender to the throne, the lovely Zack, in this scene. There will be some dancing going on but all you lot have to do is stand around and mingle. Look like you’re having a good time, but remember, this is set in a kind of parallel eighteenth century, so nothing too rowdy.’ She fixed Tony with a mock-stern look. ‘Remember, you’re not down the pub with the lads!’ Everyone laughed politely and Tony gave her a little bow, grimacing slightly as his trousers creaked under the strain. She turned to look at me and my fellow housemaids; there was also a tall, gangly lad in a tight footman’s uniform who was squirming about uncomfortably. Chafing, I thought to myself. ‘Now, you guys just have to stand around the room, as if you are ready to serve at a moment’s notice. So be alert, but don’t stare directly at anyone; you’re the help, remember.’ I nodded along with my fellow servants, but the rebellious little voice inside me didn’t feel very agreeable; I was still sore about the costume.

The walkie-talkie clipped to Lucy’s belt crackled and she answered it, holding up a hand to stop us talking as she listened.

‘Okay, if you can all just wait here…’ she said, hurrying away.

We stood and waited. And waited. My feet started to hurt and the room was beginning to get hot. Everyone else seemed to have important things to do – playing out cables and taping them down with duct tape to prevent trip hazards, fluffing up furnishings and moving them a tiny but significant couple of centimetres to the left, then back to the right, then, no, back to the left, adjustments to the camera – but we extras just stood there. Waiting.

‘Flipping ’eck, this is boring,’ said Debbie, yawning. Tony tugged at the crotch of his trousers. Some crew members want around and turned off the big spotlights to stop them overheating. And then they all just stood there waiting too, chatting, and I got the impression that all this hanging around wasn’t an unusual occurrence.

‘Blow this for a game of soldiers,’ I grumbled, heading for a chair by the fireplace. The gangly footman looked scandalised, until most of the other extras followed suit, finding themselves somewhere more comfortable to sit or stand. Tony pulled a chair across the room, earning a glare from one of the cushion-fluffing crew members but ignoring it. He positioned it next to mine and motioned for Debbie to sit in it, then perched himself on the arm of my chair, lowering his tightly-clad nether regions slowly down until they were almost level with my eyes. I carefully turned away.

The crew started to look at watches and phones. There were mutterings and discussions. Maybe this amount of waiting wasn’t normal. I watched a group of them by the camera, and it looked like they’d just nominated a junior crew member to go and find out what was happening when Lucy the first AD came rushing back in.

‘Sorry, everyone, let’s break for lunch,’ she said, and turned to leave. One of the camera crew called out to her amidst a chorus of groans.

‘What’s happening, Luce?’

‘Nothing. Faith’s just had a little bit of an accident…’

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