First published in Great Britain in 2015 by Electric Monkey,

an imprint of Egmont UK Limited

The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN

Text copyright © 2015 Lisa Heathfield

The moral rights of the author have been asserted

First e-book edition 2015

ISBN 978 1 4052 7538 5

eISBN 978 1 7803 1674 1

www.egmont.co.uk

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

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For my beautiful, brave Mama,

watching from the moon.

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHAPTER TWELVE

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

CHAPTER NINETEEN

CHAPTER TWENTY

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

CHAPTER THIRTY

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

CHAPTER FORTY

CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

CHAPTER ONE

Here, crouched beside the toilet, I’m terrified I’m dying. My stomach must be bleeding, or my liver, or my kidneys. Something inside me has somehow got cut. Spots of blood smear my underwear. I wipe myself with toilet paper and there’s more blood. Am I being punished for something I have said or done?

‘Elizabeth!’ I shout, running from the coffin-small room. ‘Elizabeth!’

I run from room to room. Kindred Smith is mending a bed in one. Rachel sweeps in another. The children play in the day room.

‘Elizabeth! ’

I wonder if the bleeding is worse. I look behind, but there are no drops of red following me along the wooden floorboards. I rattle the doors of the rooms that are locked. Elizabeth is not in the dining room, but in the kitchen she is coming through the back door, her rain-drenched dress clinging to her pregnant belly.

‘What is it, Pearl?’ she asks, putting down a bag of muddied potatoes. ‘Is someone hurt?’

I don’t want to tell her. I don’t want to tell her that I’m dying. Will the shock damage the tiny baby in her tummy?

‘Pearl?’ She stands, looking at me, and I see the worry in her eyes.

‘My stomach is bleeding,’ I whisper.

‘Where? How?’ Elizabeth steps back, looks at my top. ‘Did you cut yourself in the field?’

‘Inside. It’s bleeding inside me.’

‘What do you mean?’ she asks. I’ve never seen someone turn so pale in the time it takes for me to take a breath.

‘I’m sorry, Elizabeth,’ I say. And I can’t stop the tears. Because I don’t want to die. I want to meet her baby. I want more days swimming in the lake. I want more days dancing in the rain.

Then Elizabeth’s face changes and she starts to smile. ‘Why do you think your stomach is bleeding?’

Why is she happy that I might soon die?

‘Is there blood in your underwear?’

As I nod my head, she laughs and wraps her arms around me. I feel the bump of her baby under her skin. It presses against me. Against my stomach, which is bleeding inside.

Elizabeth steps back and I see that she’s crying. So I’m right – I am dying.

She kisses her thumb, presses it to her belly and then puts it onto my forehead, onto my chest and then onto my own stomach.

‘Are you trying to heal me?’ I whisper. And she smiles.

‘You don’t need healing. You’re not dying, Pearl. You are fifteen years old and you’re changing from a child to a woman.’

Then she’s hugging me again, and her words slowly sink in. So this is what I’ve been waiting for? A bleeding stomach?

I look at Elizabeth, but she doesn’t seem like she’s mocking me.

‘Come on,’ she says, and she takes my hand.

In the bedroom, she changes my underwear, takes away my old ones which are now heavily lined with a muddy red. I concentrate on the faded yellow wallpaper as she fills my new underwear with a thick, woven slab that makes me waddle like a duck.

‘You’ll get used to it.’ She smiles at me so warmly. ‘Now, not a word,’ she says and I follow her out onto the landing. I focus on her long blonde hair as we go down the stairs to the kitchen. In silence, she reaches for the lantern and matches on the shelf, and then we walk out the back door.

I’d forgotten it was raining and it hits down on us hard, soaking us within seconds. I hear nothing but its drumming on the ground as Elizabeth takes my hand again. She leads me through the herb garden with its high brick walls, where the smells have almost been washed away. She opens the rickety door at the other end and we’re walking through the strawberry field. The plants are heavy with red fruit.

I feel the slab of linen rubbing my legs as I walk. I imagine the blood dripping onto it. Will I bleed forever now? Will I never be able to walk or run freely again?

I stumble after Elizabeth, confused about wanting to cry when I have waited so long to be a woman. In the distance, I see the figures in the vegetable patch, where I was less than an hour ago, when I was still a child. I see the shape of Heather, her long brown hair stuck with rain down her back. Then I remember. I’ll be able to grow my hair. Finally, after all these years of waiting, I’ll be able to let my blonde hair grow. I’ll look like Elizabeth, with it flowing over my shoulders and down to my waist.

I’m filled with happiness. Suddenly the bleeding and the strange, uncomfortable way of walking are absolutely fine, because now I am a woman.

‘Elizabeth,’ I say. But the water is falling too loudly for her to hear.

The sound changes as we head into the woods and the rain hits the leaves far above us.

‘Where are we going?’ I ask, but Elizabeth just smiles.

Finally, we get to the clearing where Papa S’s Worship Chair sits in the middle. It has fresh ivy woven around its frame. Elizabeth walks towards it, and then she’s going too close – she’s walking into the forbidden circle. I look around, but no one is here to see. I look up into the branches, but no Kindreds are hidden there.

I hold my breath as she reaches for the chair. ‘No, Elizabeth,’ I whisper.

‘It is bidden,’ she says quietly, as she starts to lift the chair. I can see that it is heavy, but I can’t help. Papa S sees everything and Elizabeth is in the forbidden circle, touching his Worship Chair.

She drags it to the side and begins to kick at the thick leaves underneath. Then she’s on her hands and knees, moving the leaves away until I see a large metal hoop. She pulls it, and it opens a small wooden door flat on the ground.

‘What are you doing?’ I ask.

She is not smiling now. ‘I promise you will be OK,’ she says. She takes the matches from her apron, strikes one and lights the lantern.

And then I understand. I look down into the hole. There are steps that end in blackness. She wants me to go down.

‘I want to go back to the house,’ I say. But I don’t move. I don’t run away.

‘You must trust me, Pearl.’ Her wet hair still shines so blonde. She holds the lantern in one hand, the other hand resting on her pregnant belly.

And I know I love her, so I know I must trust her. I step forwards, into the forbidden circle, and start to go cautiously down the steps. Elizabeth follows me and the light from the lantern shows us the way. At the bottom is a tiny room dug into the earth.

I look at Elizabeth. In the candlelight her cheeks look sunken, her eyes hollow. Is there fear hidden within her?

‘I’ve seen it now,’ I say quietly. My voice sounds flat as it catches in the earth. ‘Can I go?’

‘We have all done this, Pearl. Every woman at Seed. I promise you will be all right.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘When you get your first Blessing, when you first start to bleed, you must stay with Nature so that she may give you the gift of a healthy womb,’ she says.

I don’t understand. I just stare at her in the flickering light.

‘You must stay deep in her womb, so your own womb may become fertile.’

‘What do you mean, fertile?’

‘So that when it is your time, you will be able to have children.’

‘I don’t want to be here, Elizabeth.’ My voice cracks as I start to cry. I look at the earth circling me and I’m suddenly filled with terror. Does she want me to stay here?

She puts the lamp down and wraps her arms around me, her face hidden in the shadows. ‘You know that you must not cry. Your life spirit will leave you and without it, you are nothing.’

I can smell the sweetness of her vanilla scent. It masks the smell of the blood and the damp earth that is blocking the air.

‘It won’t be for long.’

‘So you’ll shut the trapdoor?’ The words fall from my mouth.

Elizabeth steps back and nods. She’s trying to smile.

‘But how will I breathe?’

Elizabeth picks up the lantern and shines it on the bottom of the curved earth walls. Tiny black pipes stick out all around. ‘I have been here, Pearl. It’s all right.’

‘It’s not,’ I say, and I start to cry again. ‘I don’t want to stay.’ My voice is getting louder and Elizabeth looks up the steps towards the light above.

‘Shh, now. Papa S must not hear you cry. And Nature is hearing every word.’ Then she puts down the lantern once again and turns to go up the steps.

I can’t move. Something holds me to the ground. I want to run after Elizabeth, pull her back, to escape, but I just watch as she goes up towards the air. The last thing I see is her blonde hair as she quickly lowers the trapdoor. It shuts with a muffled thud.

Faintly, I can hear Elizabeth scrabbling about with the leaves. Then I hear a dragging of something heavy. She must be pushing the wooden Worship Chair back over the top.

Every part of me wants to scream. Every nerve, every cell, wants to run up the steps and bang on that wooden door and scream until my lungs burn. But I don’t. I know that Nature is watching me. And Papa S will know.

So I stand and stare at the flickering earth walls, with their overwhelming dank smell. I stand and stare at the mud above me and around me and under me. I stand and listen to the sound of my own breathing.

Surely she will be back soon?

CHAPTER TWO

The candle is burning down so slowly. I don’t want to move. The ground is cold through my trousers. I try to imagine that I’m dreaming, but I know I’m not.

Elizabeth does not come. The melting wax makes slippery shapes on the earth wall. The flame bulges and straightens, dancing in the silence.

I must have been here an hour, if not more. There’s no one above me. No one is coming. When the candle burns down, I will disappear into the darkness.

‘Elizabeth?’ I call out softly. Of course she can’t hear me. No one can hear me. There’s no one there.

My stomach is starting to hurt with hunger, a rumbling pain. It’s something I’ve barely felt before. At Seed, no one is hungry. There is always food, there is always drink.

‘Thank you, Nature,’ I whisper. I kiss my palm, press it flat into the earth. It’s bumpy against my skin. I imagine how deep the earth goes beneath me.

Kate and Jack will notice I’m gone. They will ask about me.

I close my eyes. It can’t be long now.

But I’m finding it difficult to breathe. What if those pipes don’t work? What if they’re blocked and I slowly run out of air? My breath is sticking in my throat. It’s got nowhere to go. Am I going to suffocate? Is this how I am going to die?

‘Help me, Nature,’ I say. She must hear me, because there’s a rustling of leaves above my head, a heavy scraping of the Worship Chair. And as the door is lifted, the sunlight floods in so sharply that I have to cover my eyes.

I am free. So I start to move towards the steps, just as Elizabeth comes down to get me. She is carrying something. When she reaches the bottom, she takes off the cloth covering it. It is a bowl of soup. A spoon and a chunk of bread sink into it.

‘I must be quick,’ Elizabeth says, her voice hushed as she puts the bowl on the floor.

‘But I’m coming with you,’ I reply.

‘I’ll be back in the morning. Just after sunrise.’ She tries to hug me, but I grab at her hands.

‘No, Elizabeth, you can’t leave me here.’ I’m crying, sudden and startling in the quiet circle of earth.

‘Think of the rewards, Pearl. You will have a healthy womb. And when Papa S says it is the right time, you will have children.’

‘No.’ I’m trying to stay calm. ‘No, I can’t stay here.’

‘You must.’ She’s trying to peel my hands away.

‘I’ll die if you leave me. I can’t breathe in here, Elizabeth.’ I want her to look at me. I want her to understand, but she wants to go back up the stairs. She’s trying to get away.

‘Pearl, you must let me go,’ she says quietly. Then she looks at me with those eyes of clover green. ‘Nature will protect you. There’s no harm that can come to you here. You are privileged.’ Elizabeth finally frees her hands and kisses me on the head. ‘You are safe, Pearl, you are loved.’ Then she rushes up the steps. I reach for the material of her skirt, but she’s gone.

The trapdoor has closed out the sunlight. There’s just the silence and me. Somewhere, there are beetles burrowing, but I can’t hear them. All I can hear is the sound of my short breaths and my heart thudding in the cramped air.

I kneel down and reach for the bowl of soup. The smell of it should make my mouth water, but as I bring the spoon to my lips, I feel sick. Still, I force it into my mouth, feel its warmth in my chest. It helps the ache in my stomach and so I gently scrape until every last drop has gone.

The smell of the ancient mud finds me once more. It creeps into my nose and slides down inside me.

I close my eyes and start to count. One, two, three. On and on. But the panic is rising again. Breathe, Pearl, breathe. Trust in Elizabeth. I focus on her smile, on the baby growing in her. Will I have a brother or a sister? I hope for a brother. If it’s a girl, she will be forced into this hole. And I couldn’t sit by, knowing that she is here.

I will think of the baby. Each little finger. Each little toe. Think about Papa S and all that he gives us. Now I am a woman, maybe I can be his Companion. I imagine his hand in mine. I’m getting cold, but he will keep me warm.

I must sleep.

*

Somewhere there is music. And someone is singing, quietly. I open my eyes to blackness and silence. I am in the earth and the candle has burnt itself out. I move onto my knees as I sweep around with my hands. There’s nothing but the rough, damp mud. Then my fingers hit the bottom of what must be the steps and I stumble up them. At the top I feel the closed trapdoor. If I’m desperate enough, I’ll be able to open it. I push it with all my strength. I push it until I feel like my wrists will snap in two. But it doesn’t move.

I bang it, feeble now. And I’m crying again as I curl myself onto the step. It’s so dark that I can’t even see my fingers. Darker than the silence in our sleeping room. Darker by far than the night. Nothing exists now, except the sound of my crying, getting soaked up by the earth. My life force dripping away.

Slowly I feel my way down the steps. I lie at the bottom. My bones ache from the cold and the hard floor.

‘Please come, Elizabeth,’ I whisper. I kiss my palm and hold it above me, into the hollow blackness.

*

I’m woken by the sound of the trapdoor opening. There is light, muffled yet sharp enough to hurt my eyes.

‘I’m here, Pearl.’

It’s Elizabeth. She lights a lamp and I can see again. ‘It’s all right,’ she says. ‘It is over.’ And she smiles at me. ‘You can change into this.’

She hands me a flowing green skirt. It’s beautiful. I reach out to touch its material in the flickering candlelight. It feels so soft.

‘It’s silk,’ she says. ‘I made it for you when you were born.’

I take off my trousers. As I put the skirt on, it feels like water on my bare legs. Elizabeth passes me a new slab of linen.

‘Change this for the one in your underwear. We must leave the old one here for seven days.’

‘Will I have to come back to get it?’ I ask, the panic rising like bile in my throat.

‘You will not have to come back here,’ she says gently.

Elizabeth takes the old slab from me. It’s heavy with my blood. When she has laid it face down in the earth, she turns to me. ‘You must never speak of this to anyone,’ she says.

She blows out the candle and starts to go back up the steps. I hurry after her.

When we’re outside, she lowers the trapdoor, covers it with leaves and pushes the heavy Worship Chair back into its place.

As we walk away in the early morning air, the birds are singing. The rain has stopped. My emerald-green skirt will tell everyone that now I am a woman.

CHAPTER THREE

I watch Ruby’s little fingers as she washes the mugs. In time, she too will become a woman. I know that it is years away, but I can’t bear the thought of her being trapped in the earth. I try to push the memory away. Concentrate on the frothy water in the sink.

When Jack comes in, he notices my skirt immediately and stops. He looks at me. ‘A woman?’ he asks, smiling.

Pride washes through me. ‘Yes,’ I say.

Jack hesitates. I wonder if he will bleed and then be able to grow his hair like the Kindreds. He’s sixteen already, so surely it can’t be long. ‘You won’t change, though?’ he asks.

‘I might.’

‘You better not,’ he says. Then he reaches into the sink and Ruby smiles as he flicks water at me.

‘Hey, watch my skirt,’ I say, laughing.

‘I won’t!’

So I splash him back and he runs from the room, straight into Kindred Smith.

‘Careful,’ Kindred Smith says. But he’s not angry. He never is. Of the two Kindred men, he’s always been my favourite, even though favourites aren’t allowed. With his beard the colour of autumn, I can believe that he grew in the wood.

Jack reaches over and rustles my skirt. ‘Pearl’s a woman,’ he says.

I see something flicker briefly in Kindred Smith’s eyes, but then he smiles warmly. When he puts his arms around me, I feel a strange aching to stay as a child.

‘I remember when you were born,’ he says, as he shakes his head. ‘Your hair was so white it nearly blinded me. And that yell of yours came close to deafening everybody.’ When he laughs, the wrinkles around his eyes squeeze close together. He takes my hand between his. ‘You’re no trouble at all now, though.’

‘Oh, yes she is,’ Jack interrupts. ‘You don’t know the half of it, Kindred Smith.’

I can feel my legs bare under my skirt as I laugh.

Ruby takes her hands from the sink and dries them on a cloth. She comes over to me and strokes the material of my skirt. ‘Are you really a woman now?’

‘Yes,’ I say. ‘And one day, you will be too.’

Her smile is wide. I try not to imagine her alone in the ground.

First meal is being laid out on the two wooden tables in the meadow. It’s my favourite place to eat. And this is my favourite day, because Fridays are free days. Unless Papa S says different, we can spend all day lying in the grass if we want, staring at the sky. As long as the tables are laid and the food eaten, the day is ours.

Through the window, I can see Bobby as he puts the forks in the right places. He pauses to hold one up to the sun. Although he’s small for his five years, he seems wiser than most of us. He tells me that Nature speaks to him through sparks of light – I think he’s listening carefully now.

‘Can you take the bowls out, Pearl?’ Elizabeth asks, as she comes in from outside. ‘And, Jack, there are glasses on the side. The table won’t lay itself.’

I grab the bowls and run out into the meadow. I hear Jack and Elizabeth laughing behind me as I reach the knee-high grass. I push through, careful not to make a path. I wish I wasn’t carrying anything, so that I could reach my hand down and feel the strands on my fingertips.

When Bobby walks past, he kisses his palm and holds it towards me. It always makes me smile. He can’t wait to grow up and be like the Kindred men.

‘Did Nature tell you anything today?’ I ask.

‘It’s a secret,’ he replies before he disappears into the house.

Jack catches up with me as I’m laying the bowls, one in each place. He’s carrying towers of glasses in each hand.

‘What did you worship this morning, then?’ I ask him.

‘I haven’t been out yet. I had to help Kindred John with the drinking fountain. We fixed the leak.’

I look at Jack. He’s so proud that he’s finally been asked to help the Kindreds with proper manual work. For years we’ve watched from where we’ve been playing, Jack fascinated by the hammering and clattering of mending and building. Slowly he’s got older, and slowly he’s been allowed to learn.

‘About time you started to do some proper work around here,’ I say, laughing. He picks up a fruit cloth and swipes at me across the table.

We walk along the table together. For every bowl I put down, he puts a glass, until all eleven places are laid. I stop to watch an ant as it scuttles over a spoon. Press my finger in front of it, willing it to walk on my skin. But it turns back and disappears over the edge.

I look back at our home, at its many windows, the red bricks covered by ivy in places, the chimneys scattered on the roof. I know that there is nowhere else in the world that I would rather be.

Heather comes from the kitchen door. In each hand she has a vase filled with flowers from the meadow. She’s woven some blue ones into her hair, the petals ducking in and out of her curls. Soon, I will be able to do the same.

When she has placed the vases on the table, Heather comes to me. ‘Nature has made you a woman,’ she says warmly. She kisses her palm and holds it on my stomach. When she hugs me, her curls fall over my face.

‘I’m so happy,’ I say, as she pulls me back to look at her. I am sure that I see the memory of the circle of earth in her eyes. Maybe it is a good place.

‘I am very proud of you,’ she says, and my smile is in every part of me.

Our arms empty, Jack and I head back towards the house. ‘What shall we do today?’ he asks, running a hand over his cropped-short hair.

I don’t answer him, because I have seen Kate standing by the kitchen door. I know she is looking at my skirt. I smile at her as she comes up to me.

‘You made it, then,’ she says. Is she talking about the hole in the ground? We are forbidden to mention it. ‘Now we are the same again.’

I feel her warmth as she hugs me. I imagine her stomach bleeding the way that mine is and how I never knew. But when she lets me go, there’s something different in her eyes.

‘I’ll be able to grow my hair,’ I say with a smile. ‘We’ll look like sisters again.’ I reach up to touch her hair. We are an identical colour of blonde, but my hair is so straight and Kate’s ripples slightly, like water.

Elizabeth stands by the cooker in the kitchen, stirring the wooden spoon through the enormous vat of porridge, humming quietly to herself. I watch the sun fall through the window onto her. It catches her red lips and almond-shaped eyes, and I know she’s the most beautiful being in the world. As I always do, I make a silent wish that she is my true mother.

I know that it is wrong to wonder. I know that we are gifts from the earth and we belong to all of the Kindred women. But I want to truly belong to her.

I push the thought away. Today there is space for nothing but happiness.

‘Right, girls. Carry this outside and I’ll go and tell Papa S that we’re ready to eat.’

Some of our family are already sitting at the table when we go out again. The porridge vat is heavy and pinches at my fingers, even through the cloth that I’ve wound around the handle. Kindred John gets up to help as we set it down with a muffled clunk on the end of the sturdy wooden table.

‘Thank you, girls,’ he says, gently laying his hand on Kate’s head. He is so tall, much taller than Kindred Smith, and his hand is so strong that he somehow makes Kate look like a child again. She winces slightly and moves quickly away. I don’t know what’s wrong, but she won’t catch my eye.

We sit down just as Papa S comes out of his door, and that wonderful hush swoops over us. He makes his way slowly to the head of the table. Today it’s Rachel at his side. Her eyes are smiling at him as she holds a flower to her lips, her other hand linked with his fingers. It seems like she has been his Companion for a long time.

Papa S is barely taller than her, yet his goodness stretches into the air. He wears his long hair loose today, flowing like white sun over his shoulders. The feeling of love and awe I have for him swells within me. I gaze at the intensity of his eyes, the deep lines on his face that celebrate his years.

I touch the material of my skirt and smile, hoping that Papa S knows. Hoping that he has seen. Maybe soon it will be me who holds a flower to my lips, and everyone will watch me and know that I am his Companion. The thought of walking with him spills sunshine onto my heart.

We all stand as he reaches his seat. As one, we kiss our palms and reach them out to the sky. Papa S sweeps a hand over all of us and we sit.

‘Begin your thanks,’ he says, his strong voice reaching out. So I lift my head and join the low murmuring around me. The air is warm. The long grass is silent around us. This is happiness.

I try to concentrate on my thanks, but my mind keeps drifting to Elizabeth’s swollen belly. I imagine the child, curled like a nut, growing day by day. Waiting and growing and blinking into the inky, wet darkness. I will look at its face when it’s born and see if it is like me. I’ll look for signs to see if it is my true blood sister or brother. Yet I won’t be able to treat it differently.

‘Begin to eat,’ I hear Papa S say softly, and so we all lower our heads and start to pass our bowls towards the vat of cooling porridge.

It’s not my favourite food of the day. Elizabeth’s magic has long gone by the time the bowls are put in front of us. There’s always a rubbery skin on the top and the spoon has to pop through to reach the slightly sludgy porridge below.

‘It’s delicious, Elizabeth,’ Jack says and I know he means it. He has a warmth you can almost touch. I eat mine quickly, looking forward to the fresh bread and melting jam.

When we have finished eating, we clear the plates and bowls quickly. There haven’t been so many warm days this summer, and as the Kindreds rest at the table, we want to make the most of our free time.

‘Thank you, Pearl,’ Rachel says, as she passes me her bowl. Papa S smiles at me, and my arms tingle with pride. But he doesn’t say anything and there’s no flicker of recognition in his eyes. I wish I had the courage to ask him. Have you seen? Have you seen that I am a woman? But I gather their spoons and walk back to the house without saying a word.

Even though it’s only mid-morning, the kitchen is becoming uncomfortably warm. Jack has hooked the door open, and the windows looking over the meadow are as wide as they can go, but there’s no breeze.

‘Hurry up, you lazy bunch,’ Jack says, tickling Ruby and Bobby until their legs give way and they collapse on the stone floor.

‘You’re not exactly helping,’ Kate says, flicking bubbles from the bowl at Jack. He laughs as he wipes them from the braces holding up his trousers.

‘That’s enough,’ says a voice from the doorway. Heather doesn’t normally sound annoyed. Earlier she had been so warm towards me, but now her eyes are dark and her mouth is tight. ‘Papa S would like some more milk,’ she says to no one in particular.

‘I’ll get it,’ Ruby squeals, dropping her tea towel on the side and running towards the fridge.

‘No, it’s OK,’ Heather says, reaching for a glass from a cupboard above the sideboard. Ruby’s face sinks into disappointment, but Heather doesn’t even seem to notice. She takes the jug from Ruby’s hand and pours milk into the glass. We all watch her as she puts the jug back, closes the fridge door and walks back towards the meadow.

‘What’s up with her?’ I ask.

‘She’s jealous of Rachel, I reckon,’ Kate says. ‘I bet she was hoping Papa S would choose a new Companion.’

A new Companion. Will it be me?

‘She can’t be jealous,’ Ruby says, her little face shocked. ‘It’s not allowed.’

‘You can’t stop your feelings, though, can you?’ says Kate. She looks at Jack, so quickly that if I’d blinked I wouldn’t have seen it. But I know I didn’t imagine it, because in that instant, Jack’s cheeks flush red and he looks down at his feet.

A strange feeling suddenly creeps from my throat, down to my tummy. I don’t know why it’s there, and I don’t know what it is, but then it’s gone.

They do not know that I am here, locked away forever at the top of the house. That I watch them. That one of them is mine.

They do not know my memory of growing my baby in me. And when it was time, the thunder in my stomach cracking me open. The stinging turning to burning and tearing and the final release of a head. I pushed the flesh and bones from me. My child.

I hadn’t expected the slippery, snake-like cord that held my baby to me. My baby’s screams as that cord was cut through.

‘Are you hurting it?’ I remember asking. I didn’t know whether I had birthed a boy or a girl.

‘The baby is fine.’ The Kindred had smiled as he pressed a cold flannel to my forehead. He wasn’t doing it to help me. It was to keep me down.

‘Can I hold my baby?’ I asked. But then the cramps took over my body again. My mother stood between my legs and she pulled that severed cord.

‘What’s happening?’ I screamed.

The Kindred only smiled again. ‘Trust us,’ he said. ‘Trust us.’

CHAPTER FOUR

He won’t cry. Even though the drops of blood squeeze through the crack in his skin, I know he won’t cry. So Bobby just screws up his face and keeps his eyes shut tight as I check his foot for any more thorns.

‘They’ll give us blackberries in the autumn,’ I say, gently touching the brambles with my fingertips. ‘So we can forgive them for this scratch.’

Bobby’s face stays scrunched as he watches me pick a bracken leaf. I press it onto his cut. He tries to move his ankle away, but I hold it tight, waiting for the leaf to work.

When it’s done, I stand up and brush the dry mud from my skirt. ‘Come on, let’s get back before it rains.’

Bobby leans his head into me. ‘Thank you, Pearl,’ he says. And as we stand like this, I want to tell him: I think you’re my true brother. Because I knew, those five years ago, as soon as Elizabeth and Rachel reappeared with their empty bellies and the Kindreds carrying two mewling babies. I knew the moment I saw Bobby that he was mine.

But I say nothing. Instead, I take his hand in mine and we pick our way carefully back through the forest, back towards Seed.

The rain comes soon, when we are busy helping Elizabeth in the kitchen. It’s the first time it’s rained in the three days since I’ve been a woman. Kate walks in and she dips her finger into the soft cheese as I squeeze it in the muslin cloth. I laugh as I try to snap it shut, but she pulls her hand away.

‘Hey, dreamer,’ she says to me. ‘You’d gone to worship before I’d even opened my eyes.’

‘I went out early with Bobby.’

‘We found a robin,’ Bobby says. ‘It spoke to me.’

‘We managed ten rejoices before it flew away,’ I say.

‘I ended up going out on my own,’ Kate says, that wicked smile tipping at her lips. ‘I chose mud.’

I don’t understand why she’s saying such things these days. I want to ask her, but something is holding me back.

‘There’s beauty in everything,’ Elizabeth says, just as Ruby rushes in and the rain outside beats louder. We put down the cloth and go to the open door to watch it.

‘I like the way it bounces on the ground,’ Ruby says.

‘We’ll have to go out in it later. We’ve carrots to pick,’ Elizabeth says. She stands next to us, one hand on Bobby’s shoulder, the other pressing gently onto the glass.

I look at Elizabeth’s fingers and put mine next to hers on the glass. I’m sure our hands look the same. We both have slender fingers and small wrists.

She looks at me and smiles. ‘They’re just hands,’ she says, and I wonder how she knows my mind.

‘Come on, let’s go out in it now,’ Kate says. ‘It’ll be fun.’

‘Not you, Kate,’ a voice says from behind us.

Kindred John has walked into the room, his footsteps disguised by the heavy thumping of the rain. Ruby runs up and jumps into his arms. He throws her high into the air and catches her again. When she is back safely in his arms, she rolls the ends of his beard into her hands.

‘You have lines in your hair,’ she says to him.

Kindred John laughs. ‘Nature is beginning to paint my beard grey,’ he says.

I am so used to the blackness of his hair, I cannot imagine it changing. I don’t think I want it to.

Kindred John throws Ruby in the air again.

‘She’s too big for that,’ Elizabeth says.

‘Five years old isn’t too big for throwing in the air,’ Kindred John says, and Ruby laughs as he swings her up.

‘You’ll hurt your back,’ Elizabeth tells him, and he puts Ruby down.

‘Heather needs some more flour,’ Kindred John says. ‘I need Kate to help with the wheel.’

There’s a strange look on Kate’s face. ‘I’m helping Elizabeth,’ she says.

‘I have asked you to come with me,’ Kindred John says.

Then he leaves the room and as she follows him, I’m shocked to see her pull a face behind his back.

I glance at Elizabeth, but I don’t know if she’s seen. If she did, I wonder what punishment Kate will get.

‘Nana Willow needs her tincture,’ Elizabeth says to me. ‘Will you take it to her? She’s not good today.’

‘Of course,’ I say, but there’s a pebble of dread sitting in my stomach. I can’t tell anyone, but Nana Willow frightens me. She has stayed in her room for so many years that her mind has become as withered as her skin.

Her bedroom is downstairs. Out of the kitchen, across the hall and down the tiled corridor. I can’t help but glance at the door of the Forgiveness Room as I walk past. I have only walked through there once, and I never want to do it again. Another short corridor and I’m outside Nana Willow’s room.

I don’t knock. I know she can’t hear. Slowly I push open the heavy wooden door and her smell rushes up to me. I try not to mind it. I tell myself it is as natural as the flowers in the field. But it smells of decay.

I force myself to step inside. I force myself to smile, even though from here I can see Nana Willow’s eyes are shut tight. Her chest sounds like a creaking bough as she sleeps.

My feet don’t make a sound as I walk towards her. There’s a small table next to her bed and I put the glass of fresh juice with tincture drops onto it.

‘Nana Willow,’ I whisper. She doesn’t stir. ‘Nana Willow.’ I lean towards her and her eyes snap open and are staring into mine.

‘Sylvie, you came,’ she says, her voice like steam escaping through the crack in her mouth.

‘It’s me, Nana Willow. It’s Pearl.’ But she doesn’t see me. Her fingers reach out and stick onto mine. I want to run from here, but I know I can’t.

‘I knew you’d come back to me,’ she says. She tries to reach up. To stroke my face. I don’t mean to, but I pull away.

‘Nana Willow, I am Pearl.’ My hands are shaking slightly as I reach for the glass. ‘You must drink this.’ I should sit her up, but I’m scared of feeling her bones through her nightdress. Instead, I tip her head up slightly. She looks confused as I bring the glass to her lips, and I try to go slowly as she swallows, but some of the precious juice dribbles out from her mouth and drips down her wrinkled neck. And all the time, she looks at me with her cloudy eyes.

When the glass is empty, I reach for a brown cloth folded neatly on the table. I dab gently at the spilled juice on her skin. Nana Willow is staring at me when something changes in her. It’s like she suddenly sees who I really am. A moan leaves her and now I’m wiping away her tears.

I wait until her crying stops.

‘It’s OK, Nana Willow.’ I dare to reach out and stroke her hair back from her face. She is like a child, I tell myself. Just like a child.

Her eyes are closed now, so I turn from her. As I go to the door, I hear her move behind me.

I glance back and she’s sitting up. I can see that she is about to call me over again.

I run from the room and don’t even close the door behind me.

CHAPTER FIVE

Elizabeth has explained that I might not get another Blessing for a while, but gradually my body will adapt and then I will have them every few weeks. It’s a relief not to have the coarse slab in my underwear. Now I can swim again.

We see a glimpse of our lake through the trees. It’s beautiful today. The sun makes the water glisten and as we get closer and push past the leaves, we can see it all. It’s an almost perfect circle. The trees are stepped back slightly from the water, leaving the grass to run down to its edge. It’s shallow at first, but out in the middle you could never touch the bottom. Today it’s blue, shining off the sky. And as the heat tickles my shoulders, I know I want to jump in.

‘Race you!’ Jack shouts, pushing Kate and me aside, taking his shirt off as he runs. So we follow him, jolting the birds from the trees with our laughter.

‘Get him!’ Kate calls to me, as I throw down my bag and pull my shirt over my head. She catches up with him as he struggles with his trousers, jumping on him until they both crash to the ground. My new skirt is easy to take off and I pass them both, my bare feet feeling the dry grass changing to damp.

In my underwear, I can feel the heat of the sun on my back as I run, splashing, into the lake. The freezing water whips at my ankles, stings my knees. I stop and gasp, just as Jack skims through the air and dives into the water. When he surfaces, he’s a little way out.

‘Come on, Pearl,’ he shouts. ‘It’s easier if you’re quick.’ He ducks his head under again, curls his body, and kicks until he disappears.

‘Last one to the middle washes Kindred Smith’s underwear,’ Kate says from beside me. Then she’s gone, into the water.

So I go too. I breathe, tuck my head in and dive into the icy water. The shock hits my face, but it’s so amazing down here – with the water above and around me, the world dissolves into a low humming. It’s only me and the cold.

My head moves through the surface and so I breathe again, swimming until I reach Jack in the middle, where there’s no way we can stand.

‘It’s so clear today,’ he says. His shoulders break through the top of the water and his hands mirror mine as we turn them in circles to keep afloat.

‘It’s good that it’s sunny on our free day, isn’t it?’ Then I tip my body and lie flat on my back, my arms moving slowly. The sky above us is extraordinary, with not a cloud in sight.

I could lie like this and be happy forever.

There’s a shouting that murmurs at me through the water. Reluctantly, I lift my head and see that Bobby is now in the lake, his skinny arms reaching above his head, his hands clutching Ruby’s sandals.

‘Give them back,’ Ruby shouts.

‘I’ll go and help her,’ Jack says, before he starts swimming towards Bobby. His feet kick water over Kate’s face. She wipes her eyes, treading water all the time. We watch Jack’s strong strokes breaking through the lake until he gets to the shallow edge.

‘Enough,’ we hear him say, and he takes the sandals from Bobby’s hands. Kate and I swim over lazily to join him.

‘I’ll throw her sandals in myself if she doesn’t stop whingeing,’ Kate says, as the water gets shallow enough for our feet to touch the bottom. It’s sludgy between my toes. The mud oozes up like cold clay and I don’t like the feel of it, although I know I should. I imagine the bones of a dead man, buried just underneath my feet. I move quickly, as I want to remember only the touch of the water.

We get out, and Kate and I lie side by side on the grass. Jack sits next to us, facing away, looking to the lake. Drops of water sparkle on his skin. I’m surprised how strong his shoulders look. Time is changing him as well, but sometimes I wish we could slow it all down. If I could, I might ask Nature to halt the ticking of her clock, just for a bit.

‘Heather says I’m not allowed to go selling at the market for a while,’ Kate says, turning onto her elbow to look at me.

‘Why?’

‘Because she’s been looking at the Outside boys,’ Jack says, glancing over his shoulder and smiling.

‘Have you?’ I ask. ‘It’s dangerous, Kate.’

‘I haven’t.’ She sits up, squeezes drops of water from her hair and flicks it towards Jack.

‘Why else would they stop you going?’ he asks.

Kate leans back onto both of her elbows with a sigh. She tips her head back until her hair touches the ground. She’s been growing it for a year, since she officially became a woman. Jack looks away from her.

‘Kindred John says I’m not allowed to speak to them. So I asked him how I’m meant to sell the Outsiders our home-grown beans if I can’t talk to them. He wasn’t having any of it and now he’s stopped me going.’ She slumps down and swings an arm over her eyes. ‘Pig’s breath,’ she says quietly into her skin.

Jack and I don’t move. I’ve never heard Kate speak like that before, and about a Kindred. I don’t even dare look at her. I’m suddenly terrified that Papa S will come creeping out of a tree and strike us down. He’s everywhere. He sees and hears everything. Will she be punished for this?

‘Don’t speak like that again, Kate,’ Jack says quietly, without turning round. She doesn’t reply. She must know that, even for her, she’s gone too far.

We share our lunch with the children. Chunks of bread with slabs of cheese. A mouthful each of potato salad, leftover from yesterday’s supper. I bite my teeth through the skin of a small tomato and it pops and bleeds its pips onto my tongue.

‘Your shoulders are burning, Jack,’ Kate says. She goes to her bag as I wrap the leftover cheese in paper.

‘I’ll be OK,’ he says, touching his hot skin with his palms.

‘Papa S won’t like it if the sun scolds you,’ she says. ‘It won’t take me long.’ She kneels behind him, opens the bottle and pours some suncream onto her hands. I see Jack tense as she rubs the cream into his skin. He holds his head still, doesn’t move.

And that strange feeling is back, somewhere in me. Nerves in my belly, a sickness in my throat.

Then Jack stands up quickly. ‘That’ll be enough,’ he says and, without turning towards us, he runs and dives into the water and swims hard over to the other side.

When I look over at Kate, she’s got a smile on her face. She’s still kneeling, the bottle of suncream next to her, the imprint of Jack’s body in the grass between her knees.

‘Is he OK?’ I ask.

She laughs slightly and looks at me and I’m sure she shakes her head. I want to ask why, but a thread of distance winds quietly between us.

‘He’s fine,’ she says, before she turns onto her belly in the grass.

I lie on my back, feeling the heat of the day on every part of my body. Behind my closed lids, I see the red of the sun. I can hear Ruby and Bobby splashing and laughing. Somewhere in it all must be the sound of Jack.

I don’t think there’s ever been a more beautiful day.

You were torn from me. Your little beating heart taken from me. The soft touch of your newborn flesh disappeared.

I tried. I promise I tried.

‘I want to keep my baby!’ I screamed at them.

‘The baby belongs to Mother Nature. The baby belongs to all of us.’

No. My baby belongs to me.

I screamed and bit and scratched at them, but they turned to stone.

And they hid me away. Cut me from you.

But I am your mother. I am your mother.

I reach up and touch the cold window.

‘You are mine,’ I whisper through the glass.

CHAPTER SIX

It feels so different walking up to Dawn Rocks in a skirt rather than trousers. The sun hasn’t yet risen and the air is cold around my legs. Jack is in front of me. His shoulders look broad and I can see the muscles in his arms, even through his shirt. He must sense me looking, as he turns around and smiles. He sees Ruby, still so sleepy, walking by my side, and he stops to pick her up. She buries her nose into his neck and he carries on walking.

It always amazes me how silent we are. How almost everyone from Seed can walk through the forest and up the craggy path to the hilltop rocks, yet there’s hardly a murmur between us. Papa S is at the front, leading the way through the lifting darkness. Looking back, I can just see Elizabeth and I can tell that she’s uncomfortable. The baby in her belly must almost be full-size and it makes her steps heavy and slow. Her blonde hair is tied back from her face, but it still shines in the darkness. She leans on the staff that Kindred Smith made for Nana Willow.

The wind is resting and all around us the blackbirds are singing. Walking like this always makes it worth being woken from my dreams.

Turning the corner in the path, there is the outline of Dawn Rocks in the hillside ahead of us. We will sit there to greet the sun. And as we get closer, I am sure that I can hear Mother Nature whispering to me, hiding just out of reach behind the solid grey.

When we reach the rocks, I sit next to Jack, who has Ruby on his lap. His warmth spreads into me and I barely shiver. I reach down until I feel his fingers in mine. Heather holds my other hand. She smiles at me, but she has lost something from behind her eyes. Each day it feels like the real her tiptoes away, replaced by someone edged in sadness. Is she really being taken by jealousy? It makes me uncomfortable, as no one is unhappy at Seed.

Slowly, the blackness around us changes and colour seeps into everything. The cluster of trees below move from murky grey, to blue, to green. The fields shimmer purple, before the rising sun splashes them too. I hold my breath. This is my very favourite time and I want to slow it down, remember everything I see, everything I feel.

When the blue of the sky begins to push through, Papa S stands up and lifts his palm towards the sun. We stay sitting, but we let go of each other’s hands and reach our own palms upwards. I can never be happier. I look at Jack. His head is tipped towards the sky and my eyes follow the line of his neck.

‘Thank you, Mother Nature,’ says Papa S.

‘Thank you, Mother Nature,’ we all repeat, our voices lifting to the sun.

Papa S sits on the ground. We watch as he lays his hands flat on the grass. It’s a hand I know so well, with white skin barely touched by the sun. When he looks at us, we know that it’s time to begin.

‘Nature,’ we chant. ‘We thank you for leading Papa S to Seed. He saved us. He protects us. In return, we give you everything.’ The words flow out of me, and I speak with my family as one. ‘Because we need nothing more. We have Kindreds to guide us, we have food, we have love. We listen to you, Mother Nature, only you.’

We kiss our palms, touch them onto the earth.

Suddenly Papa S begins to shake. His arm is raised again, but this time it is as though someone invisible is yanking at him and his whole body jolts. His hair shudders against his back. Bobby looks towards me for comfort, but I’m frightened too.

Kindred John gets up.

‘Stay back,’ Papa S demands. His voice is deep and rumbles around the rock. I want to block my ears, hear only the comfort of his normal voice. But strange sounds are coming from him and words that make no sense, louder and louder until his head is thrown back, both arms outstretched above him.

When at last he sinks to the ground, his arms lie flat on the earth and he looks at us all with blazing blue eyes. Then he smiles.

‘I have learned something new,’ he says quietly, his voice now his own. ‘I have learned that someone among us needs forgiveness. Someone here has let their pure soul become muddied.’

Some of my family shift slightly where they’re sitting. A sign of guilt? I am completely still, but my mind is flicking back in panic through my memory. Is it me? I think of being in that hole in the ground. Had he secretly been watching me? Did he know my fear? I try to stay calm as Papa S looks at us all. I try to block out memories of the Forgiveness Room, but I can feel the beating wings in my lungs again.

I feel Heather’s hand in mine. I glance at her and she shakes her head, as gently as a whisper, and I slow my breathing. Look at the horizon. Look at the beauty of the line of hills carved into the sky. I am sitting at Dawn Rocks. I am safe. The only sound is that of the birds and the air and the breathing of my family.

Papa S stands up. He brushes the dry earth from his knees and wipes his palms clean. His smile is like honey and I know we have him back again.

‘Dawn has been greeted,’ he says, his arms spread wide with love for us all.

He walks towards me. I see him notice my skirt and I blush with pride. He reaches out, but his hand goes to Heather. She looks up at him and suddenly she’s happy. They hold hands and lead the way back down the path, through the forest and over the field to Seed.

*

‘What was all that about?’ Kate asks quietly.

We’re kneeling side by side in the strawberry field. I look around and there’s no one in the next few rows, but I don’t answer her.

‘Oi,’ she says, digging me in the side with her elbows. We laugh, but for some reason I’m nervous.

‘Is it you?’ I ask suddenly.

‘What – am I the one with the muddy soul?’

‘Shh,’ I say quickly.

‘The strawberries don’t have ears.’ She laughs again, popping one into her mouth and making herself go cross-eyed. ‘Besides, I love Papa S. I believe every word he says.’

‘Why are you being like this, Kate?’ I whisper.

‘Like what?’

‘I don’t know. Strange,’ I say.

Kate stops still and looks at me. ‘Maybe I’m not happy,’ she says. ‘Maybe I want more.’

I don’t understand what she’s saying. No one is unhappy at Seed. There is no place on Earth as good as this.

‘What do you mean?’ I ask. But Kate doesn’t answer me. She just keeps staring across the fields. ‘If they find out, they might punish you,’ I tell her, because maybe she doesn’t know.

She turns to me, her smile defiant. ‘They’d better not find out, then.’ She picks another strawberry, throws it high into the air and catches it in her mouth.

I reach for one, pull it gently from its stem. It feels soft in my fingers. I want to eat it, but instead I add it to the pile in my little wicker basket.

CHAPTER SEVEN

‘Come on,’ Kate says, once the last of evening meal has been cleared away. ‘Now you’re a woman, you have to come with us.’

I hesitate. I can’t go into that hole again.

‘It’s good,’ she says, taking my hand. ‘It’s in the Eagle Room.’

Together we walk across the hallway and down the corridor. The door is open and the red of the Eagle Room spills out. The heavy curtains are already closed, even though it isn’t yet dark outside. The deep red of the walls glow in the light. Elizabeth is standing by the table, lifting the cover from a sewing machine. Behind us, Rachel comes in and closes the door.

Instantly, the air changes. This somehow feels like a secret place, cut-off from the rest of the house. Where we are all women. Excitement dances within me and I want to run and throw my arms round Elizabeth. But I stay standing quietly, waiting.

Kate goes towards the wooden trunk tucked in the corner. I have often looked at it and wondered what’s inside. She lifts the lid.

‘Careful, Kate,’ Rachel admonishes. But Kate doesn’t seem to hear. She’s pulling out some material decorated with large, green circles. She wraps it round her body and starts to dance.

‘But that material is patterned,’ I say, looking at Elizabeth for an answer. ‘It’s forbidden.’

‘We make these for the women on the Outside,’ Rachel says, as she reaches into the trunk and takes out bundles of thread. ‘We write words that Papa S has spoken on pieces of paper that we sew into the hems. To help purify people from the poison around them.’

‘But we aren’t allowed to do writing in the summer,’ I remind her. These warmer months are for working outside. It’s only during the winter that we can read and write.

‘Papa S knows,’ Elizabeth reassures me. ‘It is his wish.’

Kate has picked up a half-finished skirt, made from material that is covered with silver stars. She holds it, laughing, to her face, her eyes peeping through. I laugh with her.

So this is where Kate sometimes disappears to since she has become a woman. I can’t believe that all this has been hidden from me. And now I’m here.

‘Enough now, Kate,’ Elizabeth says, although her voice is kind. ‘Choose some material and start the panels of a skirt. Come here, Pearl, I’ll teach you how to work the sewing machine.’

For years I’ve watched the women sew our clothes. I have never been allowed to help. Now I’m so happy that I want to run around the room like a child. Instead, I go to sit with Elizabeth. Her chair is pushed back slightly, but her pregnant belly still presses against the table. I nearly bend down and whisper to the baby inside. I want to tell it that I am here, that I am a woman.

‘Watch,’ Elizabeth says. And I do. She threads the needle, picks up a piece of forbidden material, turns the handle and begins to sew.

‘Does Papa S know?’ I ask, above the gentle stabbing noise of the machine. ‘About the material?’ Although the door is closed, I wonder if anyone can see us, can hear me speak.

‘Of course.’ Elizabeth smiles. ‘They’re not for us to wear. And our messages might save an unloved person.’

Her fingers move gently on the cloth. It seems almost alive, the deep green covered with bamboo sticks and birds. I reach out to touch it.

‘Papa S shouldn’t have anything against patterns,’ Kate says quietly. Her legs are tucked under her on the sofa, her sandals on the floor.

Rachel scowls at her. ‘You know that it’s not Papa S. It’s Mother Nature who tells him.’

Kate stares back. ‘So why does Mother Nature find nice material so offensive then?’

Elizabeth turns to her and there’s a second of silence as the sewing machine stops. ‘All patterns are false, unless created by Nature.’

She doesn’t notice Kate making a face at her as she turns back to the sewing machine. I hope that the anger I feel is clear on my face. I can’t bear that Kate is making fun of Elizabeth. Why is she being like this? But I won’t let the magic disappear.

I watch the needle dig through the material, joining it together. Elizabeth has swept her hair over one shoulder, her eyes fixed on the work.

Suddenly she stops, sits back. ‘The baby is kicking.’ Her smile is wide as she takes my hand and places it over her stomach. Straight away, I feel it. A pushing against my palm. If it weren’t for the skin in between, I would be holding a tiny foot, or a hand.

How will we hide that you are Elizabeth’s? No one else is growing a child, yet I’ll have to pretend I don’t know. Maybe, when you are old enough, we’ll run together to the lake, and in the shadows of the trees, I will tell you. Then you’ll never have the empty place I can’t get rid of.

The sewing machine spills its thread in a line. Elizabeth’s fingers push the material along.

‘Do you get upset?’ I ask, before I can convince myself not to. ‘That it won’t know you are its real mother?’

Elizabeth looks surprised. Because I have dared to ask? Surely the thought must have found its way to her before. Has she never thought it about me?

‘I am only happy. I’ve been chosen by Nature to carry her child.’

‘Will you love it differently, though?’ I persist. ‘Do you love your own children differently?’

‘I do not have children, Pearl. I have birthed children, but they are not mine.’

Her words are jagged in me. Say it differently, I want to beg her. Tell me that I am the most special to you.

But Elizabeth turns and simply starts the sewing machine again.

‘Here,’ Rachel says. She has taken a pen and paper from the drawer and she puts it in front of me. The white of the paper is smooth under my fingers. A bolt of excitement stings my skin. ‘Write some of Papa S’s words on here.’

‘Which ones?’ He says so many wise things.

‘Anything to save the unfortunate people on the Outside.’

It doesn’t take long to choose. I pick up the pen. It has been a long time since I have written and I watch carefully as the ink makes the words on the page.

Listen only to Mother Nature, I write. She will save you.

Rachel takes the paper from me, carefully folds it and tucks it into the hem of the skirt she has made. Swiftly, she pulls the thread behind it and locks it inside.

Will anyone find it? Who shall wear the skirt of silver stars? Somewhere, on the Outside, a woman will feel the material against her legs. And hidden away, touching her ankles, my inky words will try to save her.

So I watch. And I listen. But I hear very little through this thick, dirty glass that separates me from the outside world.

I see the children. They run across the fields, laughing. I watch them disappear into the trees.

And I wonder.

After all these years, I still wonder.

Each day I imagine that a different child is mine. One day it is the boy growing into a man. His gentle ways. One day it is the girl with hair like the sun. Today, the wild girl is my daughter.

Most days it is her.

CHAPTER EIGHT

‘I have some good news,’ Papa S says.

He is standing at the head of our tables in the meadow. The grass around us is dry, as Mother Nature hasn’t sent rain for over two weeks. The morning is cold against my back.

‘We are to welcome three new members to Seed.’

No one moves, but surely they feel the same shock as I do. There is only us. This is our family. We are complete, safe from the Outside. But now Papa S wants someone else to come in.

‘Don’t be afraid.’ He smiles warmly at us. ‘I have asked Nature and she has agreed.’

I look at Kindred John. His face is still, but his eyes don’t seem happy. Elizabeth is smiling, but it doesn’t look right.

Papa S motions his hand towards Kindred Smith, who stands up. ‘Mother Nature guided me,’ Kindred Smith begins. He coughs slightly. ‘I have a good friend, Linda. I hadn’t seen her for many years, but then Nature led me to her. Linda needs me. She needs us. Her heart belongs at Seed.’ He is beginning to speak quickly as he spreads his arms wide. ‘She will live here with her two children.’

My mind is stuck. Strangers at Seed.

Elizabeth kisses her palm and faces it towards Kindred Smith. ‘We will welcome them,’ she says softly as she gets up.

Heather stands up next. ‘We will welcome them.’ Her voice is strong in the air.

We all rise. I kiss my palm and face it towards Kindred Smith. His smile is wide.

‘We will welcome them,’ I say with my family. I try to mean it and ignore the doubt that is creeping around me. I look to Papa S, but his mouth is closed and I don’t recognise the expression in his eyes.

*

We watch the car from the window, Kate, Ruby and I. From here it looks so small, like a ladybird crawling closer. Slowly, it creeps up our long drive. We never have visitors and Ruby has gone silent, standing on the chair beside me. Kate’s hands go still in the sink as we hear the rumble of the car’s engine. It comes to a stop outside the main door of our house.

A woman gets out. Her hair is pulled back from her face. Her trousers are blue, her top black, and she looks nervous. Even from here, I can see the bones through her skin. I have never seen anyone who looks so fragile, as though she could break. She bends to talk to someone in the back, just as the front door to Seed opens and Kindred Smith walks out. He is beaming, and the woman seems to relax slightly as he goes towards her. They kiss each other on the cheek.

‘I’m so glad you decided to come.’ Kindred Smith’s words are muffled through the glass.

‘So am I.’ The woman smiles nervously and hesitates, before she opens the back door of her car. A little girl steps out, about the same age as Ruby and Bobby. She doesn’t smile, but her eyes are wide as she looks around at the beauty of Seed.

‘This is Sophie,’ the woman says, and Kindred Smith smiles and bends down and says something so quietly to the girl that I cannot hear.

‘And this is Ellis,’ the woman says as a boy gets out of the car. A boy from the Outside. On the front of his T-shirt is a faded, wide-open mouth with a tongue sticking out. He must be Jack’s age, but he has already grown his hair and his curls fall into his eyes. He puts his hands into his back pockets as he looks at our home. His eyes move slowly across the bricks, the ivy, the windows. Then he’s looking at us. He makes me feel uneasy and I want to duck down under the sink, but I don’t move. He smiles a lazy smile and seems to nod before he looks away.

‘Well,’ Kate says. ‘Look at our new converts.’ She doesn’t seem to notice that her hands are still dunked in the water.

‘She looks nice,’ says Ruby. I think she means Sophie, who has silently taken the woman’s hand as Kindred Smith talks quietly to them all, sweeping his arms across the fields beyond.

‘I’ll show you around,’ I hear him say and they all follow him towards the front door.

The boy still has his hands in his back pockets as he turns to glance at us again. I don’t know why, but I wish I’d already looked away.

‘Ellis,’ says Kate, as she brushes a sponge around the inside of a mug.

‘It’s a nice name,’ says Ruby.

Kate looks at me, smiling. ‘It certainly is. And he looks like a nice boy, doesn’t he?’

‘Yes, he does,’ I say. ‘It’ll be nice for Jack to have another boy our age.’

‘Oh, Pearl, please,’ Kate says. And I can’t tell whether she’s angry or laughing.

‘Are they really coming to stay?’ Ruby asks.

Just then, the kitchen door opens and Kindred Smith comes in. The new family are behind him.

‘Ah, some family for you to meet,’ Kindred Smith says. ‘Kate, Pearl, Ruby, this is Linda, Ellis and Sophie. They are our new family members.’

‘I’m Kate. It’s nice to meet you,’ Kate says, looking at Ellis.

‘You too,’ he says. His voice is low and soft. Hearing it makes my skin tingle, like I’ve been out in the sun too long. He turns to look at me. ‘Hello,’ he says. It’s strange, because I don’t really know what to say. Maybe it’s because his hair is already longer, it makes me awkward, unsure of who he is.

‘So, are you Ruby, or Pearl?’ He has a funny smile on his lips.

‘Pearl,’ I manage. I suddenly wish I’d had just a few more months to let my hair grow as long as Kate’s.

‘Hi, Sophie,’ Ruby says. ‘Will you sleep in our room?’ I know that Ruby is staring at Sophie’s dress with butterflies all over it. I can’t tell whether she’s envious, or confused.

‘Do you want to show her your room?’ Kindred Smith asks.

‘Will she not be sharing with me?’ Linda looks unsure. From this close, I can see dry patches of skin on her face. They look sore.

‘The older women sleep in different rooms.’ Kindred Smith touches her arm, and it seems to melt her hesitation.

‘It will be fun to share with other children, won’t it?’ Linda asks Sophie. The little girl doesn’t say a word, doesn’t even nod her head. She just looks at her mother with those wide eyes.

‘I’ll show you,’ says Ruby, and she reaches for Sophie’s hand. Before the little girl has time to realise it, they’re walking out of the room. Her mother’s smile looks a bit forced, as though she’s trying too hard to relax. Mother. Sophie knows her true mother. There’s a rush of something in me, but I know it is dark, so I push it away.

‘So, Ellis,’ says Kate. ‘Where do you think you’ll sleep?’ There’s a crackle of unease in the air. Kindred Smith stares at Kate. If she notices the look he gives her, she doesn’t show it. Her smile remains and Ellis looks right at her.

‘I’ll go where I’m told,’ he says, his own smile twinkling.

‘Right then, I’d better tell you.’ Kindred Smith does a funny sort of laugh. ‘Pearl, you can show Linda where her room is.’ Then he turns to Linda. ‘When you’ve unpacked your car, Pearl can show you where to park it, round the back. Then you can give the key to me.’

‘Oh,’ she says.

Kindred Smith smiles at her. ‘We don’t want the key to get lost. It’s a big house.’

‘Of course,’ Linda says, but she twists her hair nervously in her fingers as she looks out of the window towards her car waiting in the drive.

‘And do you have telephones?’ Kindred Smith asks. ‘Obviously we don’t use them at Seed.’

Linda looks flustered. ‘It’s in here,’ she says, as she reaches into the small brown bag hanging by her hip. She pulls out a black telephone. I’ve seen people from the Outside use them at the market, but it feels wrong to have one in our home. Nature has said that they block out her voice.

‘Ellis?’ Kindred Smith holds out his empty hand towards him.

‘Are you serious?’ the boy asks. He’s looking at his mother.

‘We’ve talked about this,’ she says quietly.

Kindred Smith laughs lightly. ‘I’ll keep it safe.’

I watch as Ellis takes his telephone from his pocket and reluctantly puts it into Kindred Smith’s palm.

‘We could show you around when you’ve seen your room,’ Kate says to Ellis.

‘OK,’ he says.

I just stare at him. A stranger in our home. But he looks different from the boys I see at the market. And I don’t want to turn away from him like I do from them.

Kate is left in the kitchen as we go upstairs. Kindred Smith and Ellis continue up to the top of the house, where the boys and Kindreds sleep. I take Linda into the room next to ours. Heather is making up the spare bed in the corner.

‘I saw you come up the drive,’ she says, as she goes up to hug Linda. ‘Welcome.’

‘Thank you.’ Linda’s cheeks blush red. For a moment, I’m worried that she’ll let herself cry.

‘Shall I leave Linda here with you?’ I ask Heather as she turns back to the bed. ‘Kate and I are going to show Ellis around.’

‘Ellis?’

‘He’s my son,’ Linda says.

Heather shakes the bedsheet and it cracks in the air.

‘He’s about Jack’s age,’ I say.

Heather nods. ‘Well, you’d better go and help him settle in,’ she says, as she tucks the sheet under the heavy mattress. ‘I’ll stay with you, Linda. You can come with me to the cows and help me with the milking.’ But her words are almost lost to me, as I’m already out of the bedroom and running down the stairs, two at a time.

I stand by the back door, waiting. I’m holding my sandals in my hand, feeling the bristles of the doormat on my bare feet. There’s a bird, a wood pigeon I think, making shapes in the sky. It lifts and swoops, a smudge of brown against the blue.

‘You were quick.’ It’s Ellis.

‘Yes,’ I say. There’s something about his eyes, as though he’s seeing right into me. I touch the thin strap of my top. Does he notice that I’m wearing a skirt?

‘Where are you going to show me first?’ he asks.

I wonder if I should wait for Kate, but I’m not sure where she is. ‘Does Sophie want to come too?’ I ask.

‘I think she’s with the other little girl.’

‘Ruby.’

His eyelashes are a deep beetle-black, much darker than Jack’s.

‘Let’s go, then?’

It’s a question and the only reply I can give is to start walking. We go across the gravel of the drive, the stones wincing my feet. I don’t let it show, though. And anyway, the grass is only a few steps away.

‘I’ll show you the barn first,’ I finally say. ‘It’s where you’ll probably be working.’

‘Mum didn’t say anything about working,’ Ellis says.

‘Everyone works here.’ How can he expect otherwise? ‘It’s good work. Jack loves it.’

Ellis glances at me. ‘Who’s Jack?’

‘One of us.’ The grass is dry between my toes. ‘You’ll meet him now, I should think.’

I’m feeling a bit annoyed and I don’t know why. Suddenly, I’m not so sure I want these new people here. I know I shouldn’t feel like this, because Papa S says we must welcome them. And I should willingly let them share in the beauty of Seed. But just this second, I don’t feel like it. I want us all to be left alone.

So I don’t say another word and then we’re pushing through the big, rusting doors, into the banging and clattering of the work barn.

‘Impressive,’ Ellis says as he looks around him, and I warm to him once more.

Instantly, I see Jack. He’s looking at a green car’s engine with Kindred John, pointing something out to him. The bonnet of the car is hooked open above their heads.

‘Come on,’ I say to Ellis and he follows me, past the chaos and tables of oily springs and machine parts.

‘Hi, Jack,’ I have to say as he hasn’t even noticed us. His eyes are so focused on the ticking metal in front of him. He looks up and sees Ellis, and for a second he seems confused. ‘This is Ellis. The boy who’s come to live here.’

‘Oh, hello.’ Jack reaches out to shake Ellis’s hand, but must realise that his skin is dirty from the work and so he just shrugs lightly and smiles. ‘I’m glad you’re here.’ If he is unsure about this boy from the Outside, he doesn’t show it.

‘And this is Kindred John,’ I say.

Kindred John wipes his hands on an old cloth slung over his shoulder. ‘Welcome,’ he says, as he shakes hands with Ellis. ‘Do you want to join us?’

‘I’m showing him around,’ I say too quickly.

‘Yeah, I think I’ll put off working as long as possible.’ Ellis laughs. But none of us do. We know that laziness disintegrates the soul.

Who are these people who Kindred Smith has brought into our home? And why do I not want to walk away? I can feel the air of Outside trickling off Ellis and yet I stay, standing by him.

‘We won’t be long,’ I say to Kindred John, but he’s already turned back to the engine.

‘See you later,’ Jack says, and something passes between them that tells me they will be friends.

It’s quieter when we leave the barn. The whirr and knocking of the machines is behind us as we start to walk through the meadow. I glance at Ellis’s T-shirt, at his clothes from the Outside. They look so wrong. And they confuse me because somehow I want to touch them. They make me have questions I cannot ask.

‘It’s nice here,’ Ellis says.

The long grass brushes against my legs and I’m so proud to show him our home. ‘It’s the most beautiful place in the world,’ I say.

‘Have you travelled?’

‘No,’ I say. ‘I just know it is.’ He’s unsettled me again and I don’t know why.

‘Well, I’ve lived in enough places,’ Ellis says. ‘And here is definitely one of the most beautiful.’ He smiles at me and then looks up at the huge arc of sky above us. ‘It’s certainly better than where we’ve just come from.’

‘You’re lucky. Papa S rarely lets people from the Outside into Seed.’

‘Mum was desperate to come here after she bumped into that Smith guy, but he didn’t think we’d be allowed. It took him a while to persuade your leader.’ Ellis laughs lightly. ‘I think because my mum and Smith knew each other when they were young, you know, it kind of convinced him.’

The thought of Kindred Smith actually living on the Outside feels so wrong. I try to imagine him as a boy, but my mind won’t let me.

‘When she met him again, it was the first time I’d seen her happy in years.’ Ellis drifts his hand through the top of the long grass.

Kate is calling to us. We stop as she walks across the meadow. She doesn’t run.

‘You went without me,’ she says when she reaches us, but she’s smiling.

‘I didn’t know where you’d got to,’ I say.

‘Where are we going?’ she asks.

‘The lake?’ I suggest.

‘It’ll be perfect today.’

‘Lead the way then,’ Ellis says. So we do.

We walk through the strawberry field, rather than around it, carefully stepping in a line over the rows of squat plants. The straw is scratchy on my feet and I tread carefully, not wanting rotten strawberries to squelch between my toes.

Kate stops and touches Ellis’s elbow. ‘Here,’ she says, bending down and reaching under the soft leaves. She passes him a perfectly ripe strawberry. ‘Try this. I bet you’ve never tasted one like it.’

Ellis puts it whole into his mouth and we watch as his jaw moves. He’s smiling as he eats. He swallows and wipes the juice from his lips. ‘I think you might be right,’ he says.

We keep walking and take him through the vegetable garden. Elizabeth is picking some runner beans.

‘Elizabeth,’ I say, rushing over to her. ‘This is Ellis. He’s come to live with us.’ I’m speaking too quickly, dizzy in the sunny air.

She smiles at me, then kisses her palm and reaches out to touch Ellis’s chest. ‘You are very welcome,’ she says.

‘Thank you,’ Ellis replies. I wonder if he thinks she looks like me. Maybe I’ll ask him later.

‘We’re going to show him the lake,’ Kate says, picking a green bean and crunching it raw into her mouth.

‘Hey,’ Elizabeth laughs, gently slapping her hand away. ‘These are for evening meal. In fact, when you’ve shown Ellis the lake, you’d better come back and help me. The gooseberries need picking and sieving.’

‘It’s Pearl’s turn for that,’ Kate says. ‘I definitely did them the last time.’

It’s one of the tasks none of us likes. The gooseberry thorns are sharp and long. Then there’s the pushing them through the sieve to get rid of the skins. I try not to think badly of it, but it always seems a lot of work for very little to eat.

‘I could help you, Pearl,’ Ellis says. I hadn’t been expecting it and I feel my cheeks redden. ‘You’d have to teach me how to do it, though.’

‘You’ll be needed in the work barn,’ Kate says.

‘Talking here won’t get anything done,’ Elizabeth interrupts. She rubs the base of her back.

‘Come on,’ says Kate, and she pulls lightly on Ellis’s arm. I think I should stay and help Elizabeth, but there’s something about Ellis that makes me want to be close to him. Something I don’t understand. So the three of us walk out from the vegetable garden, over the field and into the shade of the trees that hide our lake.

We walk without speaking. There’s just the sound of dry leaves under our feet. When we get to the lake, I watch Ellis’s eyes and I know that he’s impressed. How could he not be? Surely there’s nowhere on the Outside like this. The water is still as ice, patterned with striking sky blue and deepest greens. Patches of bugs hover and swoop and fly.

Ellis nods his head slowly as he looks around him. Kate and I are watching him as he bends down and picks a thick, flat piece of grass. He puts his thumbs hard on either side of it and brings it to his lips. A high, raspy call fills the air and shoots through the forest.

I stare at him. Did I just hear Mother Nature?

‘How did you do that?’ Kate asks. She seems uncertain of him, suddenly.

‘You’ve never seen anyone blow grass before?’ He’s chuckling at us. And I realise now that it’s a trick. Mother Nature wasn’t working with him after all. And why would she? This strange boy with long hair has an edge that makes me mistrust him.

‘No,’ I say strongly. I bet there’s plenty at Seed he’s never seen before. Things much more magical than making grass sing.

Ellis’s expression changes slightly. ‘Have you lived here all your lives?’ he asks. I don’t think he’s mocking us now. He seems curious. The change in him confuses me.

‘Of course,’ I say.

‘Yes,’ says Kate, more quietly.

‘So you were born here?’

‘Yes.’

‘So, whose mum is whose?’

It’s only a few words, but they make my thoughts stumble. So it’s Kate who speaks. ‘Papa S says that Nature is our Mother.’

‘What, you grew out of the ground?’ Ellis laughs, but when he looks at me, his expression changes. ‘Do you not know who your real mum is?’

A knot of anger is building in me. ‘We don’t need to know,’ I say. But I know that’s not true. Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to know. It’s forbidden, but it pulls me, and almost every time I’m with Elizabeth, I long to really be hers.

‘Teach me how you do that,’ Kate interrupts, pointing to the grass in Ellis’s hand. He looks at me briefly. I think he’s worried that he’s upset me, so I hold my head high and smile at him.

‘Here.’ Ellis bends down and picks two more pieces of grass. His hand touches mine as he passes one to me. ‘Put your thumbs like this. Hold them down hard. Leave a little gap, though.’ He reaches over and separates Kate’s thumbs slightly. She doesn’t say a word. ‘Then bring them up to your mouth and blow gently.’

We do as he says. All I can hear is my breath, but straight away from Kate there is a high-pitched sound – faint, but definitely there.

‘I did it,’ she says, laughing.

‘Do it again,’ Ellis says, so she does. And this time it’s louder, a confident call to the birds. She doesn’t stop. Her head is tipped up to the treetops, her thumbs and lips making music.

‘You try again, Pearl.’ Ellis isn’t looking at Kate. He’s watching me. ‘It’s easy.’

So I do. I press my thumbs hard onto the flat strip of grass, and watch as the skin around my nails turns blotchy white and red. I want to be able to do it. I want to show Ellis that I can make the grass sing too.

‘Like this,’ he says, and I copy him as he puts his grass to his mouth. I blow gently against my skin, and the sound makes me jump. So sudden, so definite. A higher sound, it stretches up from my piece of grass and snakes off through the trees.

We stand like this, calling to Nature, trying to change the sounds we make. Our own, strange tune.

Eventually Kate throws her piece of grass down. She takes off her sandals, walks to the bank of the lake and sits to dangle her feet in the cool water.

‘Come and sit down, Ellis,’ she says. ‘I want to know about you.’ He seems a bit surprised, but he walks over to her and takes off his shoes and socks. I put my piece of grass in my pocket and follow them.

The water sends a bolt of cold through my feet.

‘It’s freezing!’ Ellis says, dipping his toes in and out.

‘You’ll get used to it,’ Kate laughs.

‘Wait until you swim in it,’ I say.

‘I don’t think I’ll ever do that.’

‘You will.’ I smile at him. But he’s staring at his feet in the water, keeping them down. It’s strange that it feels so right that he’s here.

‘So, where do you come from?’ Kate asks him. She pulls her hair back and drapes it over her shoulder, tips her head slightly to shield her eyes from the sun.

Ellis keeps looking at the water. ‘Near Southampton, most recently,’ he says.

‘Where’s that?’ It’s only a small question, but when he glances at me, his eyes have changed again.

‘You don’t know where Southampton is?’ He’s not laughing at me. It’s something more than that.

‘No,’ I reply, looking at Kate.

‘How are we meant to know if we’ve never left here?’ Her voice is strong as she glares at him.

‘What do you mean, you’ve never left here?’

‘What don’t you understand?’ She pulls her feet out from the water and starts to dry them with her hands.

‘We go to the market,’ I say. I don’t like the way he’s looking at us, a sort of mixture of disbelief and pity. ‘We don’t need anything else.’

‘How do you know what you need if you’ve never seen it?’ He’s taken his feet from the water too. He’s trying to pull his socks back on, but they’re sticking to his skin.

‘If it’s so great out there, how come you’re here?’ Kate’s leaning towards him, making him look straight into her eyes.

‘Fair point,’ he says and shrugs his shoulders. ‘I guess at least I don’t have to go to school.’

‘What’s school?’ Kate asks.

Ellis has got that look again. ‘Have you seriously never been to school?’ he asks.

Kate and I don’t answer him. He knows what we’d reply.

‘It’s a place you have to go to learn things.’

‘Then school is here,’ I tell him. ‘We learn everything we need.’

‘I don’t know whether to feel jealous or sorry for you,’ Ellis says. I can tell by his eyes that he’s not being cruel.

‘I know I’m happy for you that you’ve come to Seed,’ I say, summoning a smile for him.

We’re silent again. We watch Ellis tying the laces on his shoes.

‘So why are you here, then?’ I finally ask.

‘I told you. That Smith guy makes my mum happy.’

‘What do you mean?’ Kate asks.

Ellis clears his throat. ‘She says it all makes sense, now she’s met him again. That this is what will make her better.’

‘Better from what?’

‘She’s been in a bad way.’ He’s looking at the ground, scratching the dry mud with his fingers. ‘Smith said he’d help her.’

‘He will,’ I tell him. ‘We will.’

‘What was wrong with her?’ Kate asks.

I think that Ellis is uncomfortable. He picks up a piece of grass, rolls it tight between his fingers. ‘She’s been really down, that’s all.’

‘She’ll be happy here.’ I want to touch Ellis’s arm, to reassure him.

‘But why was she in a bad way?’ Kate won’t leave him alone. ‘Is that what happens on the Outside?’

‘It does to people who’ve got a dad like mine.’ Ellis seems to say it to himself.

‘Your dad?’

Ellis stands up, brushing leaves from his jeans. ‘Aren’t I meant to be in the work barn?’

I think Kate has finished her questions because she gets up, sandals in her hands. As she makes her way out of the woods, we follow.

I watched the red car as it drove up the long, winding drive. A woman got out, a girl, a young man. And I wanted to shout to them and break my window glass. Run! I wanted to scream. Run while you still can. But my dry mouth stayed clamped shut.

Flickers of memories reach me. They lick around my shadow and slip inside. My mother, my sister and me, driving up that drive. But before, before that. In a shop, where I had wanted the blue shoes with the rainbow strap. My weary mother and the stranger who came up.

‘Are you all right?’ he had asked her.

‘I’m fine,’ she answered. But she wasn’t, and somehow he knew.

‘You look unhappy,’ he said, and touched her arm. He was younger than my mother. His face was warm and handsome, but already I didn’t like him.

‘I’m fine,’ she said again.

‘Really?’ He persisted. ‘I can help you.’ And that was all it took.

The next day, we were driving up this same drive, with everything we owned in the back of our car.

The next day, everything changed.

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