First published in the United States of America by Viking,

an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 2020

This edition published in 2020

by Egmont Books

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street LONDON SE1 9GF

Text copyright © Max Brallier 2020

Illustrations copyright © Douglas Holgate 2020

The moral rights of the author and illustrator have been asserted.

ISBN 978 0 7555 00017

Ebook ISBN 978 0 7555 00024

www.egmontbooks.co.uk

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

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To Lila. Fist bumps!

– M. B.

For Merri, Tom and Jack.

Welcome to the world, little man!

– D. H.

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

The Decomposing Dozen

chapter one

chapter two

chapter three

chapter four

chapter five

chapter six

chapter seven

chapter eight

chapter nine

chapter ten

chapter eleven

chapter twelve

chapter thirteen

chapter fourteen

chapter fifteen

chapter sixteen

chapter seventeen

chapter eighteen

chapter nineteen

chapter twenty

chapter twenty-one

chapter twenty-two

chapter twenty-three

chapter twenty-four

chapter twenty-five

Acknowledgments

About the Author

chapter one

See these twelve zombies right here? I call them the Decomposing Dozen. They are the elite.

The best of the best.

The cream of the crop.

I know they’re tough – but I’m about to find out what they’re really made of. That’s why I’m standing on top of an old school bus, staring out at a bizarre series of bone-shattering obstacles.

Tiny goo-ball Globlet is beside me, clutching a bullhorn that’s twice her size. She squeaks: ‘ARE THE ZOMBIES READY?’

A low murmur echoes in response: ‘Ermmmm.’

Globlet turns, then squeaks: ‘AND ARE THE UNIVERSAL WARRIORS READY?’

My friends all shout back, ‘Yes!’

I grip the Louisville Slicer and focus. My heart rate slows. The Cosmic Hand trembles. Then, with a flick of my wrist, I command the zombies forward as I shout, ‘ATTACK QUINT!’

The zombies heed my command – and together they charge! The lumbering bodies are speeding up a ramp towards Quint.

He raises his new gripper-grabber pole, which is just a long stick with pincher jaws at the end. He opens the jaws! The zombies are nearly upon him! And then . . .

Y’know what – HOLD ON, TIME-OUT. You’re probably wondering what’s going on – you might be curious why I’m ordering a horde of zombies to barrel headlong into my best friend.

Yeah, it’s time to hit you with a little recap action . . .

INITIATE RECAP ACTION! STUFF THAT HAPPENED AND STUFF YOU MISSED!

See, for the past few months, Quint, June, Dirk and I have all been pretty busy. June even got into a crazy adventure that ended in a showdown with a villainous monster pirate: the Boss Rifter.

And June learned a lot. Like: (1) Thrull is getting stronger; (2) the Tower is gonna be catastrophic if he finishes it; and (3) there’s a place where we can discover more about the Tower and its location: a mysterious Outpost. Find the Outpost, find the Tower.

Problem was, the Boss Rifter got away before we could learn where this Outpost is. So, our crazed monster warrior buddy Skaelka ventured out into the wild, searching for it.

Yep, one day, Skaelka simply saddled up on to her Carapace (it’s like a monstrous hermit crab, with a car for a shell) and rode off. It’s been weeks and she still hasn’t returned . . .

And me? My life? I’ve been busy polishing my zombie-controlling powers. Total Jedi-like training. Our monster friend Warg has been helping me develop my skills and better understand the capabilities of the Cosmic Hand. That’s what I named the sucker-covered monster-tentacle-glove-thing that is now forever wrapped around my wrist and hand.

See, we chopped off Ghazt’s tail so he wouldn’t have the ability to control zombies, but we didn’t anticipate Thrull stealing the tail and taking the ability for himself! But then Thrull didn’t anticipate me siphoning it away from him!

It was a lot of back and forth, but it amounted to me having one pretty cool suction glove Cosmic Hand thingy and – with the power of Ghazt’s tail inside the Louisville Slicer – the rad ability to command and control zombies, yay!

With Warg’s help, I’ve made serious progress: I can actually make zombies do stuff. I mean, I’m like, two steps shy of being a legit necromancer now . . .

I quickly realised that the more time I spend training with any one particular zombie, the stronger the connection between me and that zombie becomes.

‘Just like Dungeon Loot Hunter: Crawler of Tombs 3!’ Quint said when I explained it to him.

‘Exactly!’ I replied. (Dungeon Loot Hunter: Crawler of Tombs 3 is our favourite RPG.) Anyway, in RPGs, you gotta pick one or two characters and really focus on levelling them up. If you keep flipping between different characters, you just end up with a bunch of, like, average dudes. And I do not have time for average dudes.

My powers aren’t, like, unlimited though. I’m only able to control a few zombies at a time. For example, I cannot lead a legion of zombies into battle, but I can stage super-epic zombie lightsaber fights. And I do . . .

So, what I have to do is clear: treat this like an RPG. I’ll pick a few zombies who are already naturally combat-capable – and level them up! Bottom line: I’m forming a super-elite group of undead warriors. Jack Sullivan’s Zombie Squad.

But finding good zombies has been tough. Up at Warg’s tree-farm home, where the zombies stay, I put them all through a bunch of tests. It did not go well, although it wasn’t really their fault . . .

Then one day, when I was out on my usual Wakefield walkabout, searching for zombies to add to our army, I spotted an old friend: Alfred! The zombie who helped us find Ŗeżżőcħ and the Tree of Entry!

Alfred was trying to cross from one rooftop to another via a toppled water tank when he slipped and fell right into my outstretched arms. It was like a delightfully awkward first meeting in a romantic comedy . . .

Seeing Alfred trying to navigate a water tank balance beam gave me the big idea! I was like: YES! THAT’S HOW I’LL CHOOSE MY RPG ZOMBIE WARRIORS! With an elimination game, like those obstacle course shows on TV. Y’know the ones: Gladiator Wipeout and Extreme Ninja Obstacle Hero and Toddler vs. Piranha!

So, my buddies and I put together our own elimination course. We built it at Laser Extreme Adventure Zone – the place has everything: trampoline park, laser tag arena, rock-climbing wall, churro stand and tons of other rad junk.

Dirk got super into building the course. I think it’s ’cause these sort of combat competitions are in his blood.

See, Dirk let slip that his dad was on the old TV show Universal Warriors. Man, that show was the best. Each week, a bunch of regular 9-to-5-type folks would face off against super-jacked, spandex-clad ‘Warriors’ – and the Warriors would just straight-up destroy the normal people.

Dirk told us his dad was a Warrior named the Big Dagger. To be honest, I don’t remember the Big Dagger, but there were a lot of Warriors on that show over the years.

Anyway, Dirk has built an awesome Zombie Squad Elimination Course. It started off pretty bootleg – kinda like one of those local haunted houses where random people from town dress up and try to scare you. But it’s never that scary because the crudely costumed werewolf that pops out from behind a hay bale is clearly your maths teacher.

Anyway, now our Zombie Squad Elimination Course is rad – and finally ready! I’ve chosen the top twelve zombie warrior prospects – and I will do my best to get them through the course.

The rules are simple: any zombie that reaches the finish line makes my squad. Get to the end – and they shall be deemed worthy!

Sounds simple, but it won’t be easy: Quint, June, Dirk, Rover and some of our monster buddies like Biggun and Fern are going to try to stop ’em.

We gathered at the Elimination Course early this morning. My friends took positions across the course while I directed the zombies to the starting line. It was time to find out just how tough my Decomposing Dozen was. Time to find out if I could get them to the finish line . . .

I took a deep breath, then –

SLICE! I swung the Slicer and the zombies rushed forwards! The competition had begun! Quint readied himself as they streamed towards him. And with that, now . . .

BACK TO THE ACTION!

WILL QUINT SURVIVE? OR WILL HE BE DEVOURED BY THE UNDEAD?!

SPOILER ALERT: HE'S A-OK!

Quint spins, swinging his staff and a second zombie tumbles off the ramp. ‘You’ll need to do better than that, Jack!’ he shouts.

He’s right. I gotta focus if I plan on any of my zombies reaching the finish line. I snap the Slicer and the remaining zombies pick up speed.

To control the zombies, I concentrate in the extreme, thinking hard about what I want them to do, then I shout that command while swinging the Slicer. That’s how I can control them; it works, since me and the blade are now, like, one.

‘FORWARDS!’ I bark and swing the Slicer twice more. The remaining zombies speed through the next wave of bone-shattering obstacles . . .

I’m high up on my school bus platform, trying to get three zombies across a swinging bridge, when I hear the sound . . .

It is a terrible noise – and it sends a horrible shiver shooting straight down my spine.

Globlet, still on my shoulder, grabs my shirt. ‘Jack, what was that?’ she asks quietly.

‘Not sure, Globs,’ I say. I turn, searching for the source of the horrifying sound. Then my eyes catch movement in the parking lot.

It takes me a moment to understand what I’m looking at. But when I finally see what’s making the awful, deafening sound – my heart begins to slam.

Skeletons.

Skeleton soldiers.

Hundreds of them. Marching towards us.

I suspected this was coming. Still, I’d hoped I was wrong . . .

This is like my nightmare. The vision I had, months ago, when Quint and Dirk and Warg came to show me what they’d found in Evie’s Cabal of the Cosmic book . . .

Not just skeletons.

Thrull’s skeleton army.

chapter two

‘It’s Thrull’s skeleton army!’ Quint cries out from atop a rope bridge.

‘Be back, Globs,’ I say and then I’m leaping from the bus and speeding across the course.

When I finally reach my friends, the skeletons are swarming towards them.

‘They’re armed!’ June shouts.

‘Wearing some pretty wicked armour, too,’ Dirk says, sounding half impressed. ‘I mean, not as cool as ours. But still . . . cool.’

The skeletons’ weapons and armour are built from bone. They swing Dozer spike swords and they wave war hammers sharp with Wormungulous teeth and they twirl daggers of twisted Wretch talon. Some wear helmets carved from Carapace horns. Others carry shields of sliced monster scales.

‘They’re fast!’ Quint notes. ‘On the plus side, we don’t need to fear their bite.’

‘You sure about that?’ Dirk asks.

‘Of course! These aren’t zombies, they’re skeleton soldiers!’ Quint says. ‘Like old-school Ray Harryhausen–style warriors.’

‘I don’t know what Ron Henry-Homer old-school warriors are,’ Dirk says, spinning his gladiator jousting pole. ‘But I know I’m gonna bash these boneheads like old-school-style Universal Warriors!’

We assume our most intimidating action poses. Biggun assumes an even more intimidating action pose –

Biggun’s meaty paw smacks aside four skeletons. Globlet peppers skeleton soldiers with a Blow Dart Blaster she nabbed from a Rifter.

‘Guys, I actually think we got this,’ I say, happily surprised. ‘These dudes are weak!’

‘They are only bone,’ Quint agrees.

‘We can just smash them!’ Dirk yells.

‘Come on!’ June orders as they charge into the horde. I’m about to follow my buds, when – SMACK!

Rover knocks me right on my butt as he eagerly hurls himself into a wall of skeletons. ‘Go, buddy!’ I shout, sitting up.

Thrull’s skeletons burst apart like Lego. I watch my buddies dismantle a squad of skeleton soldiers in mere seconds.

I’m feelin’ good. We’ve destroyed gigantic beasts, fought the undead and taken down villainous overlords. But these skeletons? One hard hit and they crumble! I could beat these dudes in my sleep . . .

Suddenly, one skeleton comes screaming towards me. Finally, I think. I was getting jealous watching my buddies have all the fun.

The skeleton leaps on to the hood of a car. Its bony feet sprint up the windshield, then across the roof – TAK-TAK-TAK-TAK.

It launches off the car, sailing towards me like a big ol’ meatball.

I swing the Slicer hard – like I’m trying to whack a wiffle ball to the moon. There’s a loud KRACK. Sounds like a home run, all right – definitely hammered that dude into the cheap seats.

But then I stop.

Something’s happening. The skeleton’s skull snaps to the side and – GROSS VINE SOUNDS!

A tangled, interwoven thread of Vine-Thingies runs through its entire cage-like body. The vines coil in and out, like tangled TV wires. Then –

TWANG! The skull snaps back into place.

The skeleton smiles . . . something I didn’t even think was possible. It is a hideously toothy, vile grin.

I stagger back – and now I see the enemy in its entirety . . .

TWANG! TWONG! THUNK!

All around us, the skeletons are snapping back together. Pulling up from the ground. Rising like puppets plucked by Thrull’s terrifying strings.

The skeletons we thought we’d just defeated are piecing themselves together again. One jams its arm back into place.

‘Guys!’ I say as we regroup. ‘It’s the vines! They’re running through the skeletons!’

‘The vines must be giving the skeletons their power!’ Quint adds. ‘Reanimating them! I was wrong. These skeletons are not –’

‘Ron Henry-Homer things?’ Dirk asks.

‘Ray Harryhausen things,’ Quint says with a sigh. ‘But YES. These are different!’

‘Hold up!’ June says. ‘Remember the Tendrill? We needed goo-slime to stop it! I bet that’s what’ll stop these vines, too. And luckily,’ she announces, ‘I’ve got just what we need.’

She pulls one of Quint’s goo-slime grenades from her action bum bag and begins loading it into Blasty (that’s her wrist-attached, Swiss Army–style, everything-but-the-kitchen-sink-gadget-cannon).

‘Uh-oh,’ June says, struggling.

‘Uh-oh?’ I say. ‘I don’t like uh-oh. What is uh-oh?’

‘It’s jammed,’ June says.

The skeleton army is fully reassembled. Back on their feet, ready to rumble . . .

More skeletons appear – dozens, coming from all sides. My Zombie Squad Elimination Course is completely overrun!

‘Hey, Jack,’ Dirk says. ‘You say you can control zombies? Might be a good time to start doing it . . .’

‘Right, duh!’ I say. ‘My zombies! Now, where are they . . . ?’

I scan the course, searching for any still-standing zombies. Unfortunately, the Decomposing Dozen didn’t exactly ace the course. I spot one zombie dangling upside down from the rock wall, two others tangled in the ropes course and a few rolling around on sweaty old gym mats.

Not good. It looks like every single one has been knocked out of commission.

‘Jack! There!’ Quint says, pointing.

Spinning, I spot three zombies milling about near the finish line.

Nothing about this day went like I’d expected – but in the end, it looks like I’ve found my squad after all.

They are the only three standing. They are –

I summon them with a quick Slicer swing, bringing them shuffling towards us. It’s like a video game – and they’re my little minions.

‘The skeletons keep coming!’ June shouts, finally giving up on loading the goo-slime grenade. ‘We gotta get to the BoomKarts – and get outta here!!’

She’s pointing to where they’re parked, across the obstacle course, beyond the laser tag arena.

‘Alfred,’ I say to my old zombie butler. ‘You’re gonna lead the way, buddy!’

I swing the Slicer, little flicks and twists that translate to zombie commands. Glurm charges straight into the skeletal horde blocking our path and Lefty and Alfred follow.

We follow the zombies, but a fresh skeleton horde appears, blocking our path to the BoomKarts.

‘Into the laser tag area!’ I shout.

We rush inside – only to discover the labyrinthlike laser tag course has become a glow-in-the-dark-death trap . . .

Skeletons surround Biggun, Rover, Globlet and Fern. More pour in, speeding down the halls, leaping over cover, bursting around the zigzagging turns.

‘Stay together, gang!’ June barks.

‘Don’t gotta tell me twice!’ Dirk replies as he yanks two skeletons off Biggun’s back.

Spinning around, I see Globlet and Fern now fight from land and sky, tag-teaming a pack of skeletons. Rover is using his teeth to rip the vines out of one. Biggun picks more skeletons off himself and is now using his body to block one entrance.

But more skeletons march towards us. Their faces are still locked in those awful, toothy grins. They don’t get tired or fatigued – and they never have to stop to catch their breath. Guess that’s one benefit to not having lungs.

‘It’s about to get real, guys,’ I say.

June growls, ‘Let ’em bring it.’

And they do.

Three of them SPRING AHEAD and tear towards us. Dirk and Quint whirl around, directly in their paths.

All I can do is watch in terror. Dirk has no weapon – his jousting pole is now in pieces. And Quint only has his staff.

But together –

The skeletons are sizzling like a couple of burgers plopped on to a hot grill.

One opens its mouth in a silent shriek. It has a Dirk-boot-sized hole in its rib cage – and for some reason, this hole isn’t reassembling. The skeleton looks down, confused. Sizzling vines dangle from its centre.

The skeletons that Quint cracked aren’t reassembling, either.

Quint glances at the butt end of his staff. Dirk looks at the bottom of his boot. It takes a minute for them to realise what just happened.

Then Dirk’s face lights up.

‘My boots,’ he says to Quint. ‘They’re covered in goo-slime! From Project Day-Glo!’

‘And I’ve been using the bottom of my staff as a stir stick!’ Quint says.

‘Wait, wait – Project What-Now?’ I ask. I’m suddenly more concerned that I’ve clearly been left out of something massive than I am about a bunch of bone-soldiers.

‘Not now, Jack!’ Dirk snaps and I follow his eyes upwards, to a skeleton flinging itself at us, hands gripping a battle-axe. Seconds before it cleaves us, June jumps in, using Blasty to block the blow –

Dirk grabs the skeleton and shot-puts it across the laser tag arena.

‘Guys, good news!’ June exclaims. ‘Jack’s fear of ever missing out on anything ever might have just saved the day. That block totally unjammed Blasty!’

She cocks the loading mechanism and slides the goo-slime grenade in. Totally ready to rock.

Fear seems to have settled into the skeletons, something we never saw happen with the zombies.

They all take a slow step backwards . . .

‘Catch!’ June says cheerfully and she fires the goo-slime grenade directly into a group of thirty skeletal soldiers.

There’s an explosion of greens and pinks, which mix together, creating a swirling fog.

‘You need a better catchphrase,’ I tell June as the fog clears.

‘Oh, you mean like “fisticuffs”?’ she asks with a teasing grin.

‘HEY!’ I exclaim. ‘THAT WAS A WORK IN PROGRESS! THE APOCALYPSE HAD JUST STARTED, THINGS WERE CONFUSING AND I THINK IT WAS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME MAYBE!’

Just then, Globlet comes hopping over. ‘Whoa, June! You did that? Right on, girlfriend! Rad.’

Globlet’s right – rad indeed.

June’s goo-slime grenade completely blew apart two dozen enemies. The vines have melted away to nothing and smoke coils off their chalky remains.

A few injured skeletons stagger around. One raises a bone-axe high in an attempt to attack. But the weight pulls it backwards and it flops on to the ground.

‘Whoa, whoa,’ Globlet says. ‘Those sizzling vines smell straight-up nasty.’

‘Uh-huh,’ Dirk grunts. ‘And I’m not sure the party’s over yet.’

As the smoke clears, we see dozens more skeleton soldiers approaching.

I swing my blade, bringing Alfred, Lefty and Glurm shambling forwards. The zombies stare down the skeleton squad. Biggun looms behind us. Rover strides forwards until he stands beside me.

The skeletons pause. They might not have brains, but they do know enough not to get beaten and broken on purpose.

‘Let’s see just how smart they are,’ June says. She reaches down and pops open the side of Blasty. Then, empty-handed, she mimes sliding in another goo-slime grenade.

‘You want some more?!’ she barks and points the cannon at the skeleton horde.

They sway back and forth.

My heart pounds – if they don’t buy it, we’ll be overrun. Then – a loud HISS – and, at once, they turn and go, scurrying away, into the parking lot, into the distance.

‘AND STAY OUT!’ Dirk shouts.

‘The goo-slime worked quite well, friend,’ Quint says. ‘But they’ll soon be back.’

‘And in greater numbers,’ I say.

Quint grins. ‘Like Tusken Raiders!’

‘Hey, speaking of – we need a name for those dudes. Skeleton soldiers? Bone battlers? Vine villains!’

Dirk groans at the Star Wars nerd conversation. As we make our way through the crumbled course and towards our BoomKarts, my mind is racing.

I guess, sure, technically, we won that fight. But it doesn’t feel that way. That was close. Too close. And the size of that fighting force was, like, I dunno – an appetizer! No doubt Thrull’s got something bigger planned for the main course.

chapter three

OK, so I’m officially calling that the First Battle of the Skeletons, ’cause it sounds epic and historic. And during that epic and historic battle, Alfred, Lefty and Glurm proved themselves the zombies most worthy of joining my ZOMBIE SQUAD.

And right now, they’re the only ones keeping me company, because Quint, Dirk and June went MIA immediately after our skeleton brawl.

Quint and Dirk left to work on ‘Project Day-Glo,’ though they won’t spill the beans on what it is. And – not gonna lie – that’s super frustrating for a person like me, who likes to know what his buddies are doing at all times because that’s the type of thing buddies should know!

And June ran off with Globlet and Biggun to fortify the town’s defences, now that we know Thrull’s soldiers are within striking distance.

Which leaves me and my zombies for a skeleton battle debrief. Sure, we were victorious, but I gotta be sure they know who’s in charge.

An ear-shattering SHRIEK interrupts my dramatic speech. I shove my head out the window: it’s Phyllis, the pelican-monster who keeps watch on the town wall. This is a big deal: a Phyllis shriek is the signal that someone – or something – is approaching town.

‘Uhh – talk amongst yourselves, zombie buds!’ I say and I send them shambling away. Moments later, I’m at the edge of the Town Square, squeezing my way through the gathering monster crowd.

I find June up front, peering through binoculars. Globlet is perched on her shoulder.

‘What is it?’ I ask excitedly. ‘Bad guys? Good guys? Average guys?’

June lowers the binoculars – and I see that her eyes are wet with joy. ‘It’s Skaelka!’ she says.

‘She better have brought me a snow globe,’ Globlet chirps. ‘She promised!’

I grin. Skaelka’s return is a huge relief. We’ve all been on edge since she ventured out in search of information about the Outpost.

Skaelka’s riding her Carapace like a horse down Main Street. She bobs and sways in the car’s saddle seat. A hood covers her head. Her axe glints in the bright afternoon sun.

The Carapace scuttles slowly down the road, claws stabbing the ground awkwardly, like one of those dogs wearing shoes. I realise that the Carapace is hurt. Its outer shell – the car – must have gotten torn off in battle and one broken cannon trails limply off the back of its body.

‘Looks like they saw some action out there,’ I say grimly.

‘YOU’RE BACK!’ June shouts as Skaelka brings the Carapace to a stop. Skaelka’s barely out of the saddle and June’s launching a full-blown interrogation. ‘Where have you been?? What did you find out?? What took you so long?’

‘And did you find an Arbys?!’ Globlet demands. ‘Was it true? DID they have the meats?’

Skaelka’s silent. She pats the Carapace and the creature hobbles off towards its sleeping hole, where it’ll nap until needed again.

Skaelka removes her hood – and that’s when I see that her Carapace isn’t the only one with battle scars. Her skin is horribly sun-beaten and marked with cuts and raw bruises. Her armour is dented, her sash is torn and her lucky Dozer-whacking cudgel is gunk-splattered.

‘Yeep,’ Globlet says. ‘You look crummy.’

Normally, Skaelka would punt Globlet for a crack like that. But not now. I see none of that usual frenetic Skaelka energy we’ve come to know and love and – on occasion – fear.

Skaelka’s voice is raspy and dry. ‘I have been riding two days straight. I need refreshments.’

‘I’ll grab you a soda,’ I say.

‘No soda,’ she says. ‘This thirst is fierce. Only pepperoni rolls can quench it . . .’

Skaelka answers none of June’s questions – she just shoves another fistful of pepperoni rolls into her mouth and washes them down with a gulp of ranch dressing.

Finally, Skaelka leans back in the booth. I have a feeling that whatever she says next – it’s gonna change everything. My foot is bouncing on the floor, going a mile a minute.

‘Monsters are choosing sides,’ Skaelka begins. ‘Many have pledged their allegiance to Thrull.’

‘But Bardle told me that many were on the side of good,’ I say. ‘Like the Scrapken.’

‘Some, yes,’ Skaelka says. ‘But many are not. Which made acquiring information difficult.’ She gestures to her wounds and June winces. I can tell she feels bad that Skaelka had to sacrifice to get this info. But then again, we’re fighting evil, everyone’s doing some sacrificing.

‘The Outpost you seek is controlled by Ryķk,’ Skaelka says. ‘He is a former Rifter – now involved in many bad businesses in many bad places.’

‘Ryķk,’ Globlet growls. ‘So he’s the one I talk to about my snow globe . . .’

‘If this guy runs the Outpost, he’ll know where to find Thrull and his Tower,’ June says. She leans forwards. Using her investigative-reporter-on- a-deadline voice, she asks, ‘So where is this . . . Ryķk?’

Skaelka digs into her rucksack, then tosses a large gold coin on to the table . . .

‘Whoa,’ I say. ‘There’s dried monster blood on this thing. But I wonder if . . .’

I begin scratching at the crusted gunk. Soon, I see words beneath the blood. I squint to read them – and I just about burst out laughing.

‘This is a token! From Chaz and Slammers! The arcade metropolis!’

June takes the coin from me. ‘Lemme see.’

‘Chaz and Slammers is where Ryķk resides,’ Skaelka says, knocking back another cup of ranch. ‘It is the Outpost where the Boss Rifter was going, before you defeated him . . .’

‘But there are, like, a million Chaz and Slammers locations,’ I say. ‘How are we supposed to know which one is Ryķk’s Outpost place?’

‘Springtown!’ June says happily. I glance over. She’s using her binoculars as a magnifying glass. ‘It says it here on the token: Springtown!’

‘What? That’s halfway across the country,’ I say. ‘Maybe more!’

June looks at me sidelong, grinning. ‘Then I guess we’re going halfway across the country.’

‘Ryķk will not help you for free,’ Skaelka says. ‘But I may be able to assist you. Ryķk is a collector. He appreciates hard-to-acquire objects and items. Items like this . . .’

She pulls out a knife, lifts her tail up on to the table, then begins cutting. I realise she’s sawing off one of the small spikes that dot her tail. She flinches – just barely – as purple monster blood drips on to the table.

Skaelka starts to hand the severed spike to June. June’s hesitant to take it.

‘June,’ I whisper. ‘You can’t refuse a gifted appendage. It’s just rude.’

Reluctantly, June takes it. I stifle a laugh as I watch June almost put it into her pocket, then decide that might be weird, so she instead wraps it in a napkin and just awkwardly holds it.

Skaelka leans forwards. ‘I must warn you: this Outpost . . . it is a dangerous place. You will never find a more wretched hive of –’

‘Fun?’ I ask. ‘ ’Cause the commercials make Chaz and Slammers look super fun.’

‘No,’ Skaelka says. ‘It will contain –’

‘As many skill-based games as you can play in a lifetime? ’Cause the commercials claim that Chaz and Slammers has –’

‘No!’ Skaelka snaps – and I decide, OK, I’ll shut up for now. ‘There will be cruel, conniving creatures, beasts who would eagerly pluck out your organs and boil them as soup.’

‘Doesn’t matter,’ June says before I can answer. ‘ ’Cause we’re going. The Outpost may be dangerous, but no way it’s worse than what Thrull and his Tower have in store for our dimension. If we don’t act now, before they do, I worry those vine-skeleton warriors are gonna be the least of our problems . . .’

chapter four

Suddenly, the front doors fly open and Quint bursts into Joe’s Pizza. ‘Jack! June! Come, quick! It’s finally finished!’

‘Your Downton Abbey ancestral family tree?’ I ask.

‘Your toothpick replica of the Death Star?’ June asks.

‘Even better!’ Quint says. ‘Come on! I just need to stir the formula . . .’

‘OK – that sounds foreboding . . .› June says.

‘But also . . . rad?’ I say.

Moments later, we’re following Quint through Joe’s Pizza. I wave hi to a few buddies as we walk through the kitchen and into the huge cold storage room. Inside, I see three massive tanks. Quint hurries up a stepladder and starts stirring.

‘It smells like hot dogs and sweat,’ June says.

‘And I love it!’ I say. ‘How long did it take you guys to build this??’

‘Wasn’t that big a project,’ Dirk says with a shrug. ‘I used to help my dad at his work sites and they were bigger than this. The biggest!’

We all stare at Dirk for an awkward moment. ‘What?’ Dirk says, ‘My dad was a master builder. Before I was born, he worked on, like, the space station, the old Yankee Stadium, lots of celebrities’ houses.’

We continue to stare at Dirk and the awkward moment grows longer. Thankfully, Quint jumps in. ‘Now, the formula is nontoxic to humans – but extremely toxic to Thrull’s vines.’

‘After the battle with Thrull and the Tendrill, I knew we’d need more goo-slime,’ Quint says. ‘A lot.’

Dirk nods. ‘And this morning’s skeleton battle proved the nerd was right. Luckily, while you’ve been off playing zombie hopscotch, we built this,’ he says, showcasing the factory like Vanna White. ‘Three full tanks of goo for the next time those skull-heads show up.’

‘Good timing,’ June says. ‘Because I also have big news! SKAELKA’S BACK! And she found out –’

‘WHERE THE OUTPOST IS!’ I exclaim triumphantly.

‘OK, dude, thanks for stealing my thunder,’ June says. ‘But yeah – Skaelka found it. And that means, it’s time for us to leave.’

Quint thinks for a short moment, then nods. ‘OK, then. We knew this day would come.’

Dirk taps the tank a few times. ‘Well, all right.’

‘Yes!’ June says, totally amped up. ‘We’re gonna find the Outpost! Then discover where Thrull is building his Tower! And then we’ll go destroy it! And then we’ll save this dimension and any other survivors who might be out there!’

I swallow.

I knew that someday we’d have to head out and hunt down Thrull’s Tower. But until now, that always felt like some faraway distant errand. But now it’s actually happening – and the reality of leaving Wakefield is sinking in.

And I feel . . . well . . . I’m not sure . . . I’m trying to get my head around it, when June jumps in, all excited.

‘Now that we finally know where we need to go,’ June says, ‘we can chart a course. And all good road trips have a pre-planned itinerary.’

‘We’ll need a map,’ Quint says. ‘Preferably, a very old one with a thousand creases that you can never get folded back up correctly.’

‘I have a map,’ Dirk says, ‘and not just any map. It’s the ULTIMATE road trip map.’

‘Um, amazing,’ June says. ‘Where is it?’

‘At my house,’ Dirk says. ‘My, uh, old house.’

Everyone’s quiet for a moment.

None of us have ever been to Dirk’s house. He never brought it up and we never asked. Part of me thought maybe he never actually had a house; just couldn’t picture it. I half imagined that before all this he just lived off the land and stolen lunch money . . .

But I’ve gone to dozens of different schools. And if that taught me anything, it’s that school bullies – and that’s what Dirk was, 100 per cent, before the Monster Apocalypse – can come from all sorts of backgrounds. You can’t pin ’em.

‘OK, then,’ June says. ‘Time for a mini practice road trip to Dirk’s house before the real road trip, the big one, WHERE WE SAVE THE WORLD!’

Dirk’s house ends up being just a regular house on a regular street in a regular neighbourhood. We had passed it a million times before, but never knew it was where Dirk grew up.

‘Oh wow,’ June says as we follow Dirk inside. She takes a deep breath. ‘INCREDIBLE. I forgot what it was like to be inside a house that doesn’t smell like Reese’s and melted Swedish Fish.’

‘Yeah, it was just me and my old man,’ he mumbles as we look around. ‘Kept it simple.’

Quint, June and I pace a few feet behind Dirk, watching him. It’s gotta be weird for him, being back here after all this time. So much has changed; this feels like walking into a time capsule. There’s even a stack of unopened mail on the mantel.

I think we all probably have a billion questions. But mainly, I just wanna know: Was Dirk ever, like, a kid?

‘So, uh . . . let’s see this map,’ June finally says.

‘In here.’ Dirk sounds relieved to be on task.

He leads us into a small den behind the small kitchen. I see a couch, a well-worn recliner, a TV – and one huge map!

Across the top of the map, I read the words: ‘DIRK AND DAD’S ULTIMATE ROAD TRIP!’

The map is covered in pins. ‘Are the pins all places you’ve been?’ I ask.

‘The pins? Nah, they’re places me and my dad were gonna stop,’ Dirk says somewhat proudly. ‘On our Ultimate Road Trip. Each pin is a different roadside attraction.’

‘That’s super fun,’ June says, smiling.

‘Yup. We were gonna go everywhere,’ Dirk says.

Quint asks, ‘What happened?’

Dirk looks away quickly and shrugs. ‘Uh. I mean, the, uh, Monster Apocalypse – it kinda messed up our plans. And my dad was busy working. He worked a lot.’

‘Of course,’ June says sombrely.

I’m not digging the mood here – it does not feel like the start to an adventure-filled road trip.

‘Hey, Dirk. This map is perfect,’ I say. ‘For real.’ I point at the little dot that says Springtown. ‘It’s just what we need to navigate our way to the Outpost.’

‘And look!’ June says, helping Dirk unpin it from the wall. ‘We’ll pass, like, dozens of the places you were gonna go! Dirk, we’re going to check off tons of stops on your road trip!’

For a split second, I’m worried Dirk is ticked off. Like we’re trying to hijack his father-son road trip – replace his dad or something . . .

For a long moment, Dirk stands there, staring at the map.

Then he turns around – and a huge smile is spreading across his face. ‘We’re goin’ road-trippin’, guys. We’re goin’ road-trippin’.’

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