Firefighter With a Frozen Heart

Dianne Drake

www.millsandboon.co.uk

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Table of Contents

Cover

Title Page

Praise

Excerpt

About the Author

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Copyright

Praise for Jessica Matthews:

‘With a rich backstory and an emotional reunion, readers are treated to a beautiful love story. It is heartwarming to see two people deeply in love get a second chance.’

—RT Book Reviews on SIX-WEEK MARRIAGE MIRACLE

A new trilogy from Dianne Drake

NEW YORK HOSPITAL HEARTTHROBS

Three gorgeous guys return home to upstate New York. It’s a place they love to hate, until they each find a bride—amidst the bustle of a very special hospital.

With THE DOCTOR’S REASON TO STAY, Dianne Drake welcomed you to the first story in her trilogy.

Now, with FIREFIGHTER WITH A FROZEN HEART, we see doctor turned daredevil firefighter Jess Corbett face his biggest challenge yet …

Damn, he shouldn’t have kissed her.

Should have left well enough alone—especially since they’d come to an understanding. But the urge … Well, he’d hoped it would be quelled. It wasn’t, though. Didn’t even come close to it. In fact, one kiss had whetted his appetite. He wanted more. But he knew the result of that, didn’t he?

About the Author

Now that her children have left home, DIANNE DRAKE is finally finding the time to do some of the things she adores—gardening, cooking, reading, shopping for antiques. Her absolute passion in life, however, is adopting abandoned and abused animals. Right now Dianne and her husband Joel have a little menagerie of three dogs and two cats, but that’s always subject to change. A former symphony orchestra member, Dianne now attends the symphony as a spectator several times a month and, when time permits, takes in an occasional football, basketball or hockey game.

CHAPTER ONE

“IT’S not your call, Corbett. You took in a lungful of smoke, so you go to the hospital to get checked out. Not my idea, not my rule either, but you do it, or you take a suspension.” Captain Steve Halstrom folded his arms across his chest, looking properly stern in his edict. “You don’t have a choice in the matter.”

Jess didn’t need to go, though. He didn’t have a damn thing wrong with him. Wasn’t coughing. Okay, so he’d broken enough rules for the day. He got it, this was the punishment. Meaning he’d have to leave his buddies behind at the scene, feel guilty as hell walking away from them while they were still fighting the worst of the blaze, just so he could pay the so-called piper. If his years as an army surgeon had taught him one thing, it was the value of working as a team. Today, against his better judgment, that team ethic would prevail, and he’d be sidelined. Do the deed, do the time. He’d done the deed, couldn’t argue the point … much. “Even though I’m a doctor, and I know—”

“What you know is that it’s policy. You take in smoke, you take a ride to the hospital.”

Jess looked up at the building—a three-story apartment, fully engaged. Everybody had got out, and that was the good news. The bad news was the wind, and the old building sitting so close to the one on fire that its demise was likely.

“Damn, this is lousy timing,” Jess muttered, shrugging out of his turnouts—personal protective gear that was turned inside out when not in use so that the firefighter could quickly step into them and pull them on. A hundred pounds of heavy was what they called it, and it was a far sight different from the surgical scrubs and occasional lab coat he had worn when he’d been a surgeon. But that was just part of the career trade-off. He was okay with it most days.

Today, when he’d pulled that child out of the burning apartment and carried him down the stairs, letting him breathe his air, he’d been very okay with it. The child had been hiding in the back of an old closet. Couldn’t be seen from a normal vantage point. Parents nowhere to be found. But one elderly lady had mentioned there might be a child up there, and that’s all it had taken to raise the hair on the back of his neck. Granted, he hadn’t known if the kid was still in there, but that hadn’t stopped him. Not when there had been a possibility. “If I check out okay, I’m coming back,” he told Steve.

“If you check out okay, you get three days off. This was a close one, Jess, and you brought it on yourself. So, you’re on leave, not suspension, and if you argue with me, it’ll be a week. Got it?”

“After what the lady told me, I should have just left the kid in there?” Jess snapped at his supervisor, instantly regretting it.

“You know what? Doesn’t matter how you check out medically, take the whole week so you’ll have plenty of time to think. Oh, and in case you’ve forgotten protocol, let me remind you that you are required to let someone know where you go. It’s not an option. We don’t do this job alone.” He shrugged. “I don’t want to have to hang you up like this, Corbett, but it’s all I can do. This time you’re off the hook easy. Next time I’ll do something official.”

Steve was right about this. Jess knew it. Didn’t have to like it, but he did know it. So now he had a whole empty week ahead of him. That, if nothing else, was his demon to deal with. “Then I’ll see you in a week.”

“Next week,” Steve said, waving Jess off to the ambulance where he waved off the paramedic who tried to help him in.

“I’m fine,” he grunted at her. Sitting out on the job, the way he was being forced to do, didn’t square with him. But, different from the days when he had been head of trauma in the army, he wasn’t head of anything now. Just another one of the many. Actually, one of the nearly fifteen thousand New York City firefighters and paramedics. One who was close to the bottom of the ladder. It was a good way to get lost, which was all he wanted. Get lost, stay lost. Do his job. Forget the rest of it.

“Which is why you’re in my ambulance?” she asked, following him in the door. “Because you’re fine?”

“Look, just do what you have to do, skip the comments and leave me the hell alone. Okay?” Plopping down on the stretcher inside the ambulance, Jess closed his eyes, even though the light was dimmed to almost total darkness. All he wanted to do was shut out the extraneous noises, but he couldn’t. In Afghanistan, there’d always been noise … screaming, crying, artillery going off. Here, the sounds weren’t the same, but they all amounted to suffering. Here, though, he got there first, made a different difference. Then he moved on, no commitments left behind.

“Too bad. The comments are the best part,” she quipped.

Nice voice. A little throaty, which wasn’t bad in the feminine variety … if he’d been looking for the feminine variety in anything. Which he wasn’t. So he laid his right forearm over his forehead, not so much because it was a comfortable position but more to shut out what he’d see when his eyes adjusted to the dark. The equipment, the storage bins, the paramedic … not his life anymore. “Then comment away, after you check me out and release me,” he said, not wanting to be a grouch about it. She was, after all, just doing her job, and being tough on her because of it wasn’t his style.

“Well, it says here you took in some significant smoke, which means you get a free ride to the hospital like it or not. So, for starters, I need to put the oxygen mask on you …”

Now he was annoyed. He didn’t need oxygen. Didn’t want the damn mask clamped down on his face.

“No, thanks,” he said, finally opening his eyes and shifting his arm up just enough to have a look when his eyes adjusted enough to make out a blur. First sight, red hair. Spunky red, even in the dimness. Short, boyish, in a pixie sort of a way. “Skip the oxygen. My lungs are fine, no matter what my captain thinks.”

She moved toward him, carrying both an oxygen mask and a blood-pressure cuff.

“Blood pressure’s okay, too. Unless you put that oxygen mask on me.”

She laughed. “Scared of a mask, fireman? A little bit claustrophobic?”

“Not scared or claustrophobic. Just don’t need it,” he said, now wishing he could get a better look at her. He was pretty sure she was shapely. Nice curves in silhouette. Oddly familiar to him, even in the dim light.

“Says you?”

“Says me. I’m a … used to be a trauma surgeon.”

“I’m impressed, fireman. But not swayed. You get the mask, I get your blood pressure. And I don’t negotiate.”

“But do you compromise?”

“Whoa, the fireman has an offer to make?”

He couldn’t help but chuckle at that. His paramedic was downright stubborn, and he liked it. “Not an offer. A compromise. I’ll cooperate unconditionally when you take my blood pressure if you let me wear a cannula instead of a mask.” Prongs up the nose were better than a mask any day. The thing was, when he geared up to go on a run, he was all about masks and other equipment. But a simple, lightweight, green oxygen mask … that was his last memory of Donna. Garbled words she’d tried saying to him through her oxygen mask. Words he’d wanted to understand but couldn’t. Words he should have heard if not for that mask.

“So, fireman, are you always this uncooperative?”

“Only when I have to be.”

“Let me guess. In your opinion, that’s most of the time.” He chuckled. “You’ve got some bedside manner, paramedic.”

“I try.” She pulled the cannula from the drawer and handed it to him. “Since you seem to know my job, you do the honors while I crank this baby up to full squeeze.” She was referring to the blood-pressure cuff she was dangling over him.

Damn, he really wanted a better look at her. She was tweaking his memory and all he could see right now were big protective eye goggles and a surgical mask. Smart move, considering all the soot and debris flying around out there, but very frustrating. “Is that a threat?”

“A promise.” She took his blood pressure then tossed the cuff back in the drawer.

“One twenty over eighty. Pretty good, for a man in your disgruntled and extremely dirty condition. Here, let me clean some of that soot off your face.” Grabbing a bottle of sterile water, she twisted off the lid then soaked a gauze pad and started to dab at his face. But he caught her wrist and stopped her.

“One twenty over eighty? Did you mean to tell me it was a perfect blood-pressure reading rather than just a pretty good one? Oh, and the dirty face is fine, it comes with the job.”

She wrestled out of his grip. “And the fireman gets a demerit for the worst manners I’ve met all day.”

“What the fireman wants is to get the hell out of here and get back to work.”

“Like I said before, you get a trip to the E.R. After that, you’re out of my hands.” She gave a pound on the glass between her and the driver, indicating they were good to go, then handed him the wet rag. “Wash your face. I don’t want you getting soot in your eyes. And no arguments, okay? I just want to get this over with. You’re my last patient on my last run as a paramedic, and I don’t want any hassles. Think you can manage that for me, fireman?”

“And I suppose you expect me to smile, too?” he asked, half cracking that smile.

“What I expect is that I’m going to do the paperwork now, and you’re going to answer my questions. Smiling is optional.” Sitting down on a fixed bench across from him, she picked up the clipboard, clicked her pen and wrote the date on her transport form. “Do you have a name?” she asked.

“It’s Jess. Jess Corbett.” He thought he heard a little gasp from her.

“Okay, Jess.” She twisted until her back was almost to him, as the ambulance lurched forward, then lowered her mask and pulled off her goggles. “So, tell me, how did you end up here?”

“Kid trapped in a closet. I gave him my oxygen. My captain wasn’t happy that I didn’t go in with backup. You know, same old story.” Now, this was frustrating. He thought she looked like … no, couldn’t be. Voice was different. Hair much shorter. Curves more filled out. Julie had been a couple pounds shy of skinny, with long straight hair. Thin voice. Pretty, not gorgeous. But his paramedic, what he could see of her, was gorgeous.

“I mean here, in New York City, fighting fires. How did that happen?”

“That’s on the paperwork?”

“No, but getting to know my patients gives me a better sense of what’s going on with them. As in, are you always so grumpy or is this a reaction to your smoke inhalation?”

“Trust me, it’s a reaction to my smoke inhalation, but not the kind of reaction you think it is.” But she could be Julie. Except, Aunt Grace had told him Julie was working in the south. “In answer to your question, though, let’s just say that I got tired of my old job, quit it and decided to try something new.”

“Well, I suppose quitting is good … for some people, isn’t it? You know. As in running away.”

Julie! He sat up, swung his legs over the side of the stretcher and yanked off his oxygen cannula. “I thought you were working down south someplace.”

She turned to face him, full on. “This is south, compared to Lilly Lake.” She reached up, switched on the bright overhead so he could see everything. “Julie Clark, R.N., paramedic.” Said in all bitterness.

Well, this was certainly awkward. His first love. His first … everything. It was so awkward he didn’t know what to do. Bail out of a moving ambulance, lie back down, shut his eyes then pretend she wasn’t there? Let her have it out with him before they got to the hospital? Which was long overdue, actually.

With the way her eyes were sparking now—the same beautiful blue eyes that kept nothing hidden—jumping from the ambulance seemed like the best way out of this mess … for him. But he’d been the one who’d laid out that mess back then, and running away a second time sure didn’t feel like the honorable thing to do. Hadn’t then, didn’t now. So, Jess gritted his teeth for the confrontation, and since this was Julie, he knew there would be one. Being feisty had always been part of her charm, and he didn’t expect any of that had changed.

“It’s locked,” she said, as if sensing his thoughts. “You’re not going anywhere.”

Was that a barbed smile crossing her lips? “So, what’s the protocol here, Julie? Do I ask how you’ve been? Should we sit here in silence and stare at each other? Or would it be easier if you beat the hell out of me and just got it over with?”

“If I weren’t on the job, I might just take you up on that one. But since I am, here’s an idea. How about you be a nice, cooperative patient and lie back down, and I’ll be the paramedic who watches your vital signs and makes sure you don’t go into respiratory arrest as some aftereffect of the smoke inhalation? Does that work for you, Jess?”

“Are you going to put a pillow over my face and smother me?”

“Is that what you want me to do? Because I can.” “Look, Julie …”

She shook her head, and thrust out her hand to stop him. “Lie down. Now! And don’t argue with me.”

“Sure,” he said, doing just that. “And I suppose if you really want me to wear a mask …”

Julie laughed, but it had a cutting twinge to it. “Jess Corbett, trying to comply. It doesn’t become you, Jess. Not at all. Besides, I’d rather watch you lie there and be uncomfortable around me. Good show, watching you squirm.”

He did stay down for about a minute, hating every blasted inch of silent space around him. Then he popped back up. “You said I’m your last patient. Does that mean you’re quitting?”

“Moving on. Went to nursing school part time for years, all the way through to my doctorate, and now I’m going to work as a full-time nurse.”

“Congratulations,” he said, still pretty much at a loss for words. It wasn’t every day that you ran into a childhood sweetheart, one he’d actually had feelings for. Of course, he’d made fast work of that. But, still, Julie … She was a memory-maker. Gone from his life, but never forgotten. “Well, I hope you have a good career. Aunt Grace would have been proud of you.” What a lame thing to say, but he really couldn’t think of anything else except, maybe, to apologize. After all this time, though, that seemed so trite, and under these circumstances so contrived.

“Oh, I intend to. So now, unless you have a medical concern or question, be quiet. Okay? I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Don’t want to listen to you either.”

Too bad, because he liked the sassiness in her. He’d liked it seventeen years ago, and it hadn’t changed much. But once they dropped him off at the hospital, that was going to be the end of the line for Julie and him … again. It was for the best, he thought as he sank back down on the stretcher, shut his eyes and tried to blank her out. Definitely for the best.

“Signing out for the last time,” Julie said, handing in her badge. This was it. After so many grueling years in the back of an ambulance, she was finally moving on to the place she’d always wanted to be. And it was a good move, being a nurse. Grace Corbett had helped her, had made everything possible. Had dreamed the dream with her. She sighed, thinking about Grace, missing Grace. “And glad to be moving on.”

“Well, you take care of yourself. It’s not going to be the same without you around here, Julie,” her supervisor, a tall, big-boned woman named Gert, said, giving her a hug.

Good times, good memories, being a paramedic. Better ones ahead of her, though. She hoped. And two hours later, when she was tossing the last of her few incidentals into a cardboard box, she was still looking forward, not backward, because looking backward would be filled with thoughts and memories of Jess Corbett … the last person she’d ever expected to find in the back of her ambulance tonight.

Jess … darn! Now she’d opened the floodgates, and he’d poured through in a huge way. The funny thing was, she didn’t try holding him back. In fact, she shut her eyes for a moment and indulged herself. Jess … He was bigger than he was last time she’d seen him. More muscled. Lean. Fit. Broader shoulders. Face more chiseled, edgier lines to it. His eyes, though … still the same sapphire blue, but harder. Much harder than she remembered. No laugh lines around them either, which made her wonder if he ever smiled. His hair was the same, though. Sandy, maybe a little darker than it had been seventeen years ago. Clipped a whole lot shorter than she’d ever seen it on him. She liked the stubble on him, too. Made him look … masculine. Not that Jess, as a teenager, hadn’t been masculine. But Jess then compared to Jess now … actually, there was no comparison. Jess the man and Jess the boy, the man won hands down.

“But I’m not going to think about him,” she said, heading down three flights of stairs, grappling with the last of the things she was taking to her new life. She had an emergency room to expand. New responsibilities to think about. And thinking about Jess distracted her. So she wouldn’t. That’s all there was to it. She would not think about Jess Corbett.

An hour later, as she turned onto the interstate taking her north, she was still trying not to think about him. Of course, this new life she’d chosen for herself wasn’t going to make that easy, was it? Not when her destination was Lilly Lake, and Lilly Lake was the place they’d almost started a life together.

For early spring, the evening was pleasantly warm. Tonight, the sun was setting in gold hues over the lake, and in the distance the wail of a loon saddened the expanse. Heard for miles, across land, and from lake to lake, it was the haunting call of mates looking for each other, mates lost to each other and calling out to find them. Jess knew what that was about, what it felt like to search. “So that’s the long, sad story of my exile from New York City.”

“Smoke inhalation?” Rafe Corbett snorted a laugh. “They grounded you a week for smoke inhalation?”

“Two weeks,” Jess grumbled, then chuckled. “Let’s just say that I overstepped my bounds. After my clean bill of health I shot off my mouth when I should have kept it closed, and my captain decided to put me on ice for a little longer to think about it.”

“In other words, you don’t play by the rules.”

“And you do?”

“Okay, so the Corbett men do things their own way. But for me, that’s fine. I’m an orthopedist, I don’t really have to get into much of the team spirit the way you do.”

An orthopedist who, not so long ago, hadn’t been all that different from Jess. Except now Rafe was a married man with a daughter, and another one on the way. The picture of perfect contentment, and happy to be in that place. “Well, team is where it’s at. And between us, big brother, I do have some problems with that. I’m more used to …”

“Doing it on your own?”

Jess winced. It was true. He was a loner in most aspects of his life. In fact, he could probably count on one hand the number of times he and Rafe had actually sat down and talked as brothers these past dozen or so years. “Yep, doing it on my own. But I get the team concept, realize how important it is, even if I get ahead of myself sometimes.”

“Get ahead of yourself? You ran into a burning building without telling anybody you were going in. That’s a hell of a lot more than getting ahead of yourself, Jess.”

“You’re going to give me a lecture, too?” he asked, clearly annoyed, not with Rafe so much as with himself. He’d been wrong. He’d admitted it. But there was something inside him … something he just couldn’t control at times. Sometimes he had to act, consequences be damned. “Because I’ve already heard it, and now I have two weeks to reflect on the error of my ways.”

Rafe held up his hands in mock surrender. “Then it’s over, okay? Not another word. So, do you want to come stay up at Gracie House? We’ve got better accommodations. Molly would love having her favorite uncle there to play with.” Six-year-old Molly was Rafe’s new daughter and part of his newfound contentment.

“No. The cabin’s fine. But tell Molly she’ll be seeing enough of me over the next couple of weeks that she’ll probably get sick of me.” In truth, he liked the cabin. Liked its rustic charm. A mile from nowhere, with just enough amenities to call it modern, it kept him isolated. What more could he want? “Tell Edie, though, I appreciate the offer, and that I wouldn’t mind stopping in a couple of times for a good home-cooked meal if she’s up to it. I don’t want to put her out, though, considering …”

“She’s pregnant, working until her due date if she can and she loves to cook. How about tomorrow night? That’ll give her the chance to plan it, and give you the chance to settle in.”

“You can do that, just make plans for your wife like that?”

Rafe chuckled. “Hell, no. But Edie didn’t figure you’d stay at the house with us, so she told me to invite you over tomorrow night for dinner.”

“And you’re just trying to score points with me, making me think it was your idea.”

“I need some points, because I’ve got a favor to ask you.”

“Sounds ominous.”

“Not ominous. More like a matter of practicality. And to be honest, I’m glad you’re home because I was going to come to the city next week to talk to you about it.”

Jess twisted in his seat. Was on the verge of getting up and going inside. Shutting the door on what Rafe was here to discuss. “Another time?” he asked, trying to put off the talk for no good reason other than he didn’t want to deal with it at present. In fact, his preference would be signing his share of Lilly Hospital over to Rafe, then be done with the whole thing. But that’s not what Rafe wanted. So Jess was hanging on, but in title only.

“Look, Jess. I understand it’s hard for you, and if there was any other way to do this, I would. But we are co-owners …”

“One of which who wants nothing to do with the hospital. So, here’s what you can do, Rafe. Anything. Anything you want. I trust your judgment, and I’ll give you my blessing but, please, leave me the hell out of the decisions.

Okay?”

“What I want, Jess, is to take Rick Navarro on as a partner. He’s earned it. He deserves it. And he has good ideas for expansion …”

Jess waved him off. “What, in the definition of anything don’t you understand?”

“For once, just listen to me, okay? Before you start spouting off your opinion or telling me all the reasons you don’t give a damn, just shut up and listen!”

Jess huffed out an impatient sigh. “Do I have a choice?”

“You’ve always got a choice, but I was hoping you’d give me some support in this.”

“You’ve got my support, Rafe. Just not my attention.” He pushed himself up out of his seat and headed toward the front door, but stopped before going inside. Change of heart? Not at all. But a sure change of mind. Rafe was the only person he had in this world, and it wouldn’t hurt him to listen to his big brother. After all, Rafe had taken the beatings for him, quite literally. All those years, all the tirades, Rafe was the one who’d stood up to their old man and taken the punishment. So at the least he owed him another minute to listen. “Okay, tell me, but don’t expect anything from me other than listening. Because I’m not going to get involved in this.”

Rafe stood, and went to lean on the banister across from the front door. “Fine. I’ll make it fast. We’re expanding pediatric services, which you already know. We’re looking into some growth in obstetrics, too. But the first thing we’re taking on is an expansion to our emergency services, because what we have isn’t good enough.”

At the mention of emergency services, Jess winced. Being a former trauma surgeon, this was probably where Rafe wanted to wheedle some kind of commitment out of him. Come back and work temporarily until we can find someone else to take over. Or be a consultant. That’s what he expected, but he was going to hold his ground. No involvement, no way!

“Rather than sending major trauma cases to the hospital all the way over in Jasper, or someplace even farther away, we’re going to expand enough to handle what we need and help with overflow from other areas. So we’ve hired a nurse-coordinator to oversee the first phase of growth. She has an amazing trauma background, a doctorate in nursing …”

“A doctorate?” he asked, feeling his gut churn.

“A doctorate. And for where we are right now, she’s the perfect person to put in charge of coordinating the plans. Um, Jess … we hired …”

“Let me guess. You hired Julie Clark?” He hadn’t seen her in seventeen years, now here she was, front and center, twice in two days. How could that be happening?

Rafe frowned. “Either that was an amazing wild guess, or you’ve been in touch with Julie.”

“In touch. Not by choice.”

“Anything you want to talk about?” Rafe asked.

Jess shook his head. Didn’t reply, so Rafe continued, “Well, she was the right one. Has the credentials we need, as well as the experience …” He paused, studied Jess’s frown, sucked in a deep breath. “Look, Jess, since you’re not here most of the time, and when you are you never leave the cabin, I didn’t think it would matter.”

“Why would it matter?” Jess snapped, then stormed inside his cabin and slammed the screen door behind him. “Jess?” Rafe called after him.

“Nothing matters,” Jess yelled back. “Not one damned thing.” Except for those couple of weeks of Julie’s pregnancy scare hell. Those had mattered a lot.

CHAPTER TWO

“IT’S strange being back after all this time,” Julie said, dropping down into the chair across from Edie Corbett’s desk. “I have good memories of Lilly Lake, and I appreciate all the help you’ve been, helping me get settled here again.”

“I was new in town just about a year ago, so I know what it’s like trying to get yourself established, even if you did live here before.”

“It wasn’t for long … just a few years, but let’s just call them my formative years. And I really do want to thank you for letting me take a tour of Gracie House the other day. I didn’t mean to just stop on your doorstep and beg to be let in, but …” Julie smiled fondly. “But I couldn’t help myself. I needed a few minutes to come home.”

“And you’re welcome to come home any time you like. Our doors are always open.”

“I’ll bet I’m not the first.”

Edie laughed. “As a matter of fact, no, you’re not. Several of Grace’s children have stopped in, and Gracie House seems to be a focal point in their lives. For me, it’s interesting to meet the people who’ve passed through her life … and her doors.” She glanced fondly at a picture of Molly, her new daughter, and Grace’s former ward. “Interesting and life-changing.”

“Well, I spent the most important years of my life there. I was kind of a wild child, all my various adoptive parents threw me out, I had nowhere to go other than the juvenile home, and Grace stepped in and offered to take me. She made the difference, and it wasn’t always easy for her, dealing with me. But she had so much …”

“Patience?” Edie asked.

“That. But I think it was faith. She never saw the bad side or the difficulty in people. Whatever the situation, she always managed to turn it into something positive. Like the time I stole a couple hundred dollars from her and took a bus ride to New York City. I don’t think I really intended on running away so much as exploring the world, but the minute I stepped off that bus, aged sixteen, it was like all my small-town ways just wanted to pull me back. I was scared to death. Didn’t have enough money left for a decent meal. Nowhere to go. No one to help me. I mean, I was overwhelmed, and not as smart as I thought I was. So I called Grace, and she said she’d come get me. And she wasn’t angry, Edie. In fact, she told me it would take a few hours for her to get there, so I might as well wander around, see the sights while I could. She even suggested a couple places I should go. Julie, take advantage of your adventure … that’s what she told me. And when she finally picked me up, she asked me if I’d had a nice day. A nice day? I was expecting the wrath of God to fall down on me, and instead she took me to a very swanky restaurant, we spent the night in a glamorous hotel and the next morning she actually took me shopping. Then, when we got home, she asked me if I’d learned my lesson. To be honest, it took me a while to figure out what it was because to a crazy sixteen-year-old, it seemed like I’d been rewarded for my so-called crime.”

“So, what was the lesson?”

“To trust and rely on the people who love you when you have a problem. That they won’t let you down if you give them the chance to help. She told me if I’d have let her know how I was feeling, told her how much I wanted to go to the city, she could have taken me. But I didn’t give her that chance because I figured she would say no. I didn’t trust her enough to be honest with her.” Julie laughed. “A mistake I never made again. Oh, and she did require a little extra work from me in the stables to pay her back for the money I took … work in the form of a shovel and pitchfork. Which, actually, is why I’m here. I was wondering if the foundation could use an extra volunteer. I loved working with the horses when I was a teenager. I think that’s probably what grounded me more than anything else … being the person trusted with the care of another life. It certainly made me find things in myself I didn’t know were there. So now that I’m back—”

“Always!” Edie interrupted. “It seems like the more horses we take in, the further our reputation spreads. Rafe’s in the process of coordinating the building of another stable, one for the more critical horses. Sort of like an intensive care, I think. And we’re renovating both the old stables, enlarging them and modernizing the facilities. So we can use all the help we can get, and then some.”

“Well, I can still shovel …”

“There’s plenty of that to be done. And lots of other things, if you decide that shoveling isn’t quite the exciting time you remember.”

“Never exciting, definitely not the thing I wanted to be doing, but it was quite a character builder. Of course, Grace knew that when she put me on the task. And I’m not too proud to do that again, or anything else you need. I have a lot to pay back, and with the way Grace loved her horses …” A stray tear slid down Julie’s cheek. “Working with Grace’s horses again is one of the biggest reasons I applied for the job here in Lilly Lake. I’d just hoped to be doing it with Grace.”

“I miss her, too. And I didn’t know her for very long. But she made such an impact on my life in such a short time … brought me together with my husband, gave me my daughter. I owe her everything.”

“Me, too,” Julie whispered reverently. “Everything.”

On the verge of tears herself, Edie cleared her throat. “Well, then, why don’t you stop over this afternoon, after you get off work, and have a look at the horses we have right now? I’ll let Johnny Redmond know you’re coming, and I’m sure he’ll have some details and schedules for you to go over by then. Oh, and I’d love to have you stay for dinner, if you don’t have other plans. It’s spaghetti night at Gracie House. Nothing fancy. But it’s Molly’s favorite meal, so please, join us if you can.”

“I’d love to, if it won’t be an imposition.”

“No imposition. But bring an appetite. Molly helps cook, and let’s just say she cooks big.”

“Then I’ll see you later on, with a big appetite,” Julie said, standing to leave. “So, if I may ask, when are you due?”

Edie instinctively laid her hand on her belly. “Another month. A little girl. Do you have any children?” she asked.

“No. Never been married, never been a mom. I’m more of the career type, I think.”

“I was the career type, too, and look at me now.” She glanced again at Molly’s picture, then the one of the three of them—her, Rafe and Molly. “I’m into family in a huge way, and loving every minute of it. It’s everything I never knew I wanted,” Edie said, laughing. “And I wouldn’t have my life any other way.”

There was a time she’d thought that, too. But then she’d been a kid with enormous, romantic delusions. Luckily, she’d grown up. A little of it the hard way, maybe. She’d learned her lessons well, though, in large part thanks to Grace Corbett. “Well, I’d better get back to work. So I’ll see you later, Edie,” she said from the hall. Turning, she hurried back to the emergency department, where she was responsible for more things than she’d ever thought she’d be responsible for. Thanks, in part, to Grace Corbett, too. Actually, thanks in full, since it was Grace’s benevolence that had made paramedic training first, then nursing school afterward, possible.

“Looks like we’re feeding an army tonight,” Jess commented on his way into the dining room. The spaghetti bowl in the center of the kitchen table was heaped to overflowing, and the bread plate had enough garlic bread piled on to feed half the population of Lilly Lake. It reminded him of coming home to Aunt Grace for a meal.

“Uncle Jess!” Molly squealed, launching herself into his arms with such a force it nearly toppled him over backward. “I’ve been waiting for you to come visit us. I have a new pony … actually, I have two ponies now. Lucky, my old pony, and she’s not really that old. Johnny says she’s about two, so that really makes her my new pony, since Snowflake, my new pony, is really about six, which makes her my old pony.”

“Whoa, slow down,” Jess said, laughing. “You’re talking too fast, and I can’t keep up. So, your old pony has a new pony, and Lucky Snowflake is who?” he teased.

“Lucky is my pony, and so is Snowflake, silly,” Molly replied.

“Oh, now I get it. You have two ponies. Lucky is one, Snowflake Silly is the other.”

“Not Snowflake Silly,” she said. “His name is Snowflake.”

“Didn’t you tell me his name was Snowflake Silly? I’m positive that’s what I heard.” He looked at Rafe for support. “Isn’t that what she said? Snowflake Silly?”

Rafe smiled, threw his hands into the air in surrender and backed away. “I’m leaving this one up to you two while I go help my lovely wife toss the salad.” With that, he backed all the way into the kitchen, stopping short of Edie, who was wielding a large butcher’s knife, going at the lettuce with a vengeance. “It really is a lot of food,” he commented offhandedly.

“I invited someone else this evening,” she said, eyeing a big, juicy red tomato for her next chopping chore. “Someone from the hospital.”

“Anybody I know?”

“Maybe. She’s fairly new on staff. Very nice. Originally from Lilly Lake, so you might know her. Her name’s Julie Clark.”

Rafe, who had picked up a carrot to munch, nearly choked. “Well, this ought to be interesting.” “How so?”

“Julie and Jess have history.” “What kind of history?” “Big history.” He patted his wife’s belly. “You’re kidding. They were …?” He shook his head. “False alarm. But it had us all going for a while.”

“So, what should we do? I don’t want either of them being uncomfortable. Especially not Jess, with everything he’s been through—a war, the death of his fiancée, a career change.”

Rafe gave his wife an affectionate kiss on the cheek.

“Well, I’m sure eating spaghetti with a former girlfriend will shrink in comparison to all that.”

“You may be a great doctor, but you’re not so smart about relationships, are you?”

“I get ours right, don’t I?”

“You get ours perfect. But we don’t have history … torrid history.”

“I didn’t say it was torrid.”

“No, but …” She patted her own belly. “That sure implies it, don’t you think? Anyway, he’s here and Julie’s down at the stable, talking to Johnny, so she’ll be up in a few minutes. And you, my dear husband, are in charge of dealing with the situation.”

Rafe shrugged, then gave over to a smile. “Like I said, could be interesting. Jess needs something to shake him up, and Julie might be it.”

“What might be it?” Jess asked from the doorway.

“This might be it,” Edie hedged, holding up her butcher knife. “The best one I own. This one might be … it.”

Jess gave them both a half smile. “Domesticity has really dulled you two down, hasn’t it?” he asked. “So much ado about a knife?”

“Hey, little brother. Believe me when I tell you there’s nothing dull in this house. In fact, I think you’re about to find out just how un-dull Gracie House is going to be.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Me, Jess. I think Rafe’s referring to the two of us having dinner together.” Julie looked at Edie. “Molly let me in, by the way. Hope that was okay? Oh, and I brought non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice. Knew you couldn’t do wine, but I thought this might go well with the spaghetti.” She held the two bottles out to Edie, but Jess was the one who took them and marched straight to the refrigerator on the other side of the room—as far away from Julie as anyone in the kitchen could get without opening the back door and continuing on into the yard.

“Thank you. So, I take it you and Jess remember each other?” Edie asked, with a sly wink at Rafe.

“Actually, we had the chance to catch up with each other just a few days ago … in New York,” Julie said. She was clearly not as uncomfortable as Jess was at this meeting. If anything, she was almost too noncommittal. Trying too hard to stay unaffected. “In the back of my ambulance. He was my very last patient as a paramedic.”

“So, that’s how it was. Jess was your patient.” He arched an amused eyebrow at his brother. “Bet he wasn’t a very good one, was he?”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“Did you have to strap him down?”

“Do you two realize I’m standing right here?” Jess cut in.

“Sure we do, little brother. But since you’re not contributing to the conversation—”

“Look,” Julie interrupted. “It’s clear I’m the outsider here. How about I take a rain check for another night? That way Jess will be able to enjoy the lovely meal Edie has prepared without getting tied up in knots having me sitting on the opposite side of the table from him.”

“If anyone should leave, it’s me,” Jess said. “You’re the guest, I’m just the—”

“You’re both overreacting,” Edie broke in. “This is a meal. A simple meal. That’s all. Food, conversation … don’t read anything else into it. Molly’s excited, having both of you come to dinner, and we’re not going to disappoint her. So, Jess, have a seat at the table. Julie, sit anywhere you’d like. Rafe, go tell Molly dinner’s ready.” She sucked in a deep breath, then dropped down into one of the kitchen chairs. “Oh, and in case you didn’t notice, we’re eating in here tonight. I didn’t want to make it formal by setting the dining room. So relax, be casual.” She smiled sweetly. “Sit with your backs to each other, if you must. But let me warn you. I have a ton of food, and neither of you is going anywhere until that spaghetti platter is clean.”

Julie laughed. “I think I can manage my fair share, in spite of Jess being here.”

“Ditto,” Jess grumbled.

“Do you two want some time to air some dirty laundry before we eat?” Edie asked. “Because you’re welcome to use the den.”

“No laundry, dirty or otherwise,” Jess said, taking his place at the table.

Julie took her spot diagonally across from Jess. “None at all. Not one single, solitary piece of it.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

“So I suppose now’s the time to ask,” Jess said. He’d followed Julie halfway to her car, trying to decide what to do. Truth was, he didn’t know what was proper here. They’d made it through dinner, kept the conversation light enough. But those sideways glances he’d caught her giving him … no mistaking her feelings. Now here they were, ex-lovers, ex-friends—Jess wasn’t even sure what they were—standing six feet apart in the driveway on a starless night where the moon didn’t even have the decency to exit its cloud cover, both of them so stiff they wouldn’t have even swayed in a wind squall. “Ask what?”

“Several things, I think. First, how are you?” “After all these years, that’s the best you can do?” “Okay, let me try something else. How have you been getting along?”

“You mean, how have I been getting along without you? Is that what you want to know?”

“Okay, stupid question. Let me try again.”

“There’s nothing to try, Jess. If there were, you would have tried it, or said it, the other day in the ambulance. But you didn’t.”

“Because you told me to shut up.”

Julie shook her head. “Look, let me make this easy on you. I live in Lilly Lake now, work at the hospital you own, and that may put us into close proximity from time to time. Which means we need to learn how to deal with … us. What we were, what we weren’t.”

“What we were, Julie, were kids, doing the things kids do.”

“Not all kids do what we did. I mean, I’m assuming you’re not forgetting …”

“No, I’m not forgetting. Believe me, I’ve thought about us, about what happened, over and over all these years. Thought about how it could have turned out differently, where we might be now, if it had. The thing is, I’m not that same person, Julie. I’ve lived a lifetime since then, had regrets you can’t even begin to imagine, and all I can say to you right now is that I’m sorry. I was a stupid, thoughtless kid. I should have trusted you more. But I didn’t. I said some bad things and I am sorry.”

“So am I,” she said, her voice flat. “Sorry you thought I was trying to trap you, but I’m also sorry I didn’t tell you the truth sooner than I did. And that I didn’t get to apologize. But you left me, Jess. You walked away from me and never gave me the chance.”

Jess shut his eyes, heaved out a heavy sigh. “You were sixteen, Julie. I was seventeen. We really didn’t have a lot of choices. And you didn’t have anything to apologize for.” He opened his eyes to look at her, but she had turned away from him, staring at her car. “There really wasn’t a right or a wrong way to get through it, and I suppose all either one of us can say about it now is that we did the best we could.”

“Or maybe there was a better way, and we just didn’t take enough time to figure it out. Anyway, you said you’re not the same person you were back then, and I’m certainly not the same person I was, so let’s just not dwell on the things we messed up. Okay? I have a good life going. A great life, thanks to your aunt. She was everything to me, Jess, and because of that, I don’t want to fight with you. So can we agree to be cordial with each other?” She truly wanted to add not looking back to that request, but she had looked back, more than once over the years, and she always would. Because there’d been a few days when she’d dreamed of being a wife and mother. Those dreams had made her happy, probably the happiest she’d ever been because she’d been in love with Jess. Totally, completely in love. With the qualifier that it had been the love of a rather immature sixteen-year-old. With a baby on the way … Or so she’d thought until the test had come back negative.

The dream had come and gone so quickly. It had taken her some time to come to terms with it, come to terms with the end of her future fantasy life, but the day she’d gone to tell Jess the truth … She still had nightmares. What she’d done to him, the pain she’d caused him …

Her pain, too. But she’d thrown herself into making a better life. And succeeded. Which was why she was surprised by her feelings now. Surprised by the pain that was slipping its way back in. Seeing Jess again was good, but it hurt.

“Cordial is good,” Jess agreed. “I’m not expecting anything. Don’t deserve anything. And, God knows, you’ve got every right to hate me. What I did was inexcusable.”

“No, it wasn’t. Like you said, we were kids.” Kids who never got a chance to be kids. Maybe that’s why their emotions had been so intense. At such young ages, they’d both known so much pain. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. But I’m curious. Did Grace ever know I thought I was pregnant? Did you ever tell her?”

Jess shook his head. “I never told her, but she probably knew anyway. That’s how she was.”

Yes, that’s how she had been. “Well, that was around the same time she started talking to me about making real plans for my life, trying to show me some options for finding a better way. Anyway … I need to get going. I’m heading back in to work the night shift in a little while, and I’d like to run home and grab a quick shower first. So … I’m glad you’re feeling better after that incident in New York. And I’m really glad you have such a good family here to take care of you while you’re recovering. You’re a lucky man.”

“Well, I’ll be here next week for spaghetti night, and I’m sure my family would love to have you come back, if you can. So maybe I’ll see you around …”

“Maybe,” she said, heading for her car. Although she wasn’t sure she wanted to. Or wasn’t sure if she could. Because right now her head was spinning and her chest hurt. All she wanted to do was get into her car, drive away and go someplace where she could cry for the things that had never been, and the things that never could be. All of them about Jess.

Puttering his way along the back road, Jess wasn’t in any particular hurry to return to his cabin. It wasn’t that he minded being alone. That’s the way he spent most of his life now. In many ways, it was preferable. Getting involved, having someone be the center of his life … what was the point? As much as he’d loved Donna, he hadn’t been able to make the real commitment to her, the one every future bride should expect from the man she’d consented to marry. He’d tried. Gotten involved in the plans, smiled when she’d talked about the dream. Their dream. But she’d known he’d been struggling with all that … permanence. Had asked him about it, even though he’d denied it. Yet it had been something he hadn’t been able to hide, and the closer they’d got to that permanence, the more it had shown on him. Then he’d hurt her and for that he’d never forgive himself. She’d loved him and in return he’d broken her heart.

Was that what she’d been thinking about when she was killed—her broken heart, his inability to be everything she deserved?

Even now, two years after Donna’s death, there wasn’t a day that went by when he didn’t replay those last few moments with her. Could he have done something different? Been different for her? Maybe faked the feelings? Faked the whole happy with the domestic lifestyle thing until he had settled in and it had become a habit?

Donna Ingram. Beautiful. Smart. Full of life. She’d always led with her heart and, in so many ways, he envied that. All she’d wanted had been a normal life with a man who’d never had normal in his life. Impossible odds, as it had turned out. And overwhelming regrets.

Tonight Donna was on his mind, as she often was. Tonight, though, Julie Clark was also on his mind, but for other reasons. Julie had been his first love and, once upon a time, they’d made plans, too. Sure, their plans had been childish. They’d talked about running away together. Or maybe getting jobs and saving their money so they could backpack or bike across America, or Canada, or the whole of Europe. Impractical plans that had seemed so real and so exciting for a short time. But then Julie had thought she was pregnant, and, stupid kid that he was, he’d been thrown for a big curve. So he’d taken the easy way out by listening to his dad. It’s a trap, Jess. That’s all it is. She’s setting a trap for you. So, don’t be stupid, son. Kick her to the curb before it’s too late, before she ruins your life. Yeah, great advice from a drunk child abuser and overall mean slimeball of a man who’d masqueraded as the town doctor. The hell of it was, he’d listened. He’d accused, he kicked, then he’d run. What a jerk!

But that was only the first time. He’d pretty much done the same thing with Donna, hadn’t he? Maybe not kicking her to the curb so much as edging her there. Being gentle, trying not to hurt her in the process. But it was all the same and, in the end, he’d hurt her anyway.

Now, tonight, an entire lifetime of miserable failures was poking him from every side, and he just wasn’t in the mood to be poked alone. So, turning off the main road, Jess headed back to Lilly Lake. Brassard’s Pub was as good place as any to be in a bad mood. He didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, didn’t care to play darts. But he craved the noise. Wanted it all around him. Wanted it to permeate every pore in his body, reminding him that he was still alive since he wasn’t even so sure about that. So, yes, Brassard’s was the place. Loud jukebox, louder bartender, and on a good night, a crowd that could be heard halfway over to the next county. Yes, it was exactly where he wanted to be.

“Jess!” the bartender yelled across the noisy room. The owner-bartender, Will Brassard, was also head of the Lilly Lake Volunteer Fire Department. “I heard you inhaled.”

Jess thought about waving him off in favor of an isolated corner, but Will was a nice guy, married to a nice woman, father of some nice kids. Living the life Jess had thought he’d have by now. “Twice,” he shouted back. “I inhaled twice.”

“So what did they give you for it?” Will shouted. “A commendation?”

If only … “Two weeks vacation.” Rather than shouting the story, which he knew he was about to tell, he shoved his way through the crowd, half of them dancing to the music, and made his way to the bar stool on the end, the one where he didn’t have to sit and face himself in the mirror behind the bar. “Two long, restful weeks up at the cabin, looking at the walls, pacing the floor and taking up knitting because … let’s just say that I didn’t follow orders as well I should have. Funny how that works out, isn’t it?”

Laughing, Will held out his hand in greeting. “Well, my wife knits, and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, because if you don’t follow the knitting rules, you end up getting … well, to me it looks like a big ball of knots. So, if you’re looking for some activity …” He pointed to the far end of the room, where several of the locals were engaged in what seemed to be a rather bland card game … one eye on the cards, one eye on the old, large-screen, rear-projector TV where reruns of a college basketball game were wobbling across the screen in hues of green and orange.

“Not my thing, but thanks for the offer. Likewise, don’t do darts.”

Will started to point to the beer tap, but stopped. “That’s right. You don’t drink either, do you?”

“Because I’m boring as hell. I work and I sleep. And when I get back to Lilly Lake, I don’t even do that much.”

“So, why are you here tonight? You’ve been coming back home off and on for a year now, and I don’t think you’ve ever been in here. In fact, other than passing you on the road a time or two, this is the first time I’ve seen you, period.”

He genuinely liked Will. They’d known each other in school. Not too well, but well enough to know that the boy Will Brassard had turned into a good man. “It seemed like a good place to stop, and since I was in a stopping mood …”

“Coffee?” Will offered. “Or a soft drink?”

“Coffee’s good.”

“And let me guess. You’d rather have it over there at the table in the corner, so you don’t have to put up with me talking to you, or asking questions.”

“Actually, that was my intent when I came in here. But I think I’ll stay at the bar, if you don’t mind a non-drinker taking up a perfectly good drinking spot.”

Will laughed. “Any firefighter is welcome at my bar, for any reason, any time. No matter what they’re not drinking. Stay as long as you like.”

It was a friendly invitation, and Jess appreciated it. But by the time he’d polished off his third cup of coffee, he was restless again. Even the noise and activity weren’t enough tonight. Problem was, he wasn’t sure what was. No point in staying here, though. Not when the night was young and someone paying for more than a cup of coffee might want his seat. So Jess dropped a generous tip in the tip jar, saluted his farewell to Will, and headed for the door. But before he got there, a shout above the crowd stopped him.

“We’ve got a run, Jess. Grease fire in the kitchen, out at the lodge. Care to join us?”

Jess’s heart lurched. Did he care to join them? Hell, yes, he cared. In fact, the adrenalin was already pumping.

“May have a couple of minor casualties we have to run into the emergency room,” Will responded. “How about you being our medic on this run?”

Hadn’t Julie said she was working Emergency tonight? Suddenly, he wanted to see her again. He wasn’t sure why, and didn’t have time to think about it as Will tossed his bartender apron to one of the waitresses and leaped over the bar. So maybe this wasn’t going to be a bad vacation, after all. At least, not this part of it.

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