Everybody hurts

For Abigail, a new school could be the fresh start she so desperately needs. With her parents in the army and her sister Beth too far away to run to, she knows this year needs to be different. She’s never been part of the cool crowd and for the first time Abby wants to fit in. And all it takes is just one little white lie…because some truths are too painful to share.

Everybody lies

But at Cotswold Community College, Abby isn’t the only one with a past she’d rather forget. And when she stumbles across a closely guarded secret, Abigail realises that her one little white lie could reveal everything she’s worked so hard to hide…

Praise for Under My Skin

‘It’s a wonderful take on the often fractious relationship between teens and their parents, beautifully transmitted by Markham.’ – Jack Croxhall

‘In a nutshell, if you like young adult books then read this, if you like zombie books then read this and every kind of book in between you need to read this.’ – Random Redheaded Ramblings

‘A brilliant story this – addictive, dark, compelling and very clever. I read it fast, one of those books that hooks you in and won’t let go.’ – Liz Currently Loves

‘Read this book! If you’re at all a fan of anything YA, Gothic and/or Frankenstein then you will love the story of Chloe. Started reading this at 12.15a.m. and didn’t put it down until I was finished.’ – Fi on Goodreads

‘A great Gothic YA that will appeal to adult readers as well’ – Rosee on Goodreads

Also by Zoë Markham

Under My Skin

White Lies

Zoë Markham

Copyright

HQ

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2016

Copyright © Zoë Markham 2016

Zoë Markham asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

E-book Edition © June 2016 ISBN: 9781474045001

Version date: 2018-09-20

ZOË MARKHAM

Having recently pulled off a dramatic escape from the rat race, Zoë now spends her days endlessly monkeying about with words.

In a tiny, tumbledown bungalow in the wilds of West Oxfordshire she creates, destroys, giggles maniacally and cries dramatically whilst consuming epic amounts of builder’s tea and trying to keep the cats off the keyboard.

Her husband has learned to ignore her fictional delusions, but her five-year-old son still thinks they’re pretty cool, and often offers helpful advice – usually involving dragons.

Find out more about Zoë at her website: www.zoemarkhamwrites.com

With many thanks to Victoria and Rhea for helping Abby find her way.

For Tigerlilly, who always understands, and always texts me back.

Contents

Cover

Blurb

Praise

Book List

Title Page

Copyright

Author Bio

Acknowledgement

Dedication

Inside: Day One

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Inside: Day Two

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Inside: Day Three

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Inside: Day Four

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Inside: Day Five

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Inside: Day Six

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Extract

Endpages

About the Publisher

Inside

Day One

I don’t think I meant to kill her.

I probably would’ve been OK with hurting her. I didn’t want her dead though. I’m not a complete psycho. And however much I might have hated her, I wouldn’t have wanted to go to prison. Or to end up in here.

The problem is, I didn’t not want her dead.

They said I was contradicting myself, but I’m just being honest. I would never have actually set out to kill her. It’s just that I maybe wouldn’t have been all that bothered if someone else had.

Anyway, what would I know about killing someone? I’m just a kid.

‘So was she,’ they said.

In the end I just closed my eyes and waited to wake up.

But I never did.

She’s dead and I’m in here and I’m scared to death of what happens next.

Chapter One

I saw it as soon as we turned off the motorway. The sun lit up the old building like some kind of celestial spotlight, turning it into something straight off a postcard. The satnav politely suggested that Mum make a U-turn. I couldn’t help thinking it might be on to something: that turning up as the nervous new girl at my fifth school in five years was going to be one more ‘fresh start’ than I could handle. Turning around and heading back in the opposite direction didn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Mum disagreed.

“It wants me to go the wrong way down the M40! Turn her off, Abigail. I can see the place from here for goodness’ sake.”

I flicked the power button with a sigh. There was no last-minute reprieve on the horizon – just the sprawling mass of Cotswold Community College: Day and Boarding School, Established 1571. All pale Cotswold stone and leafy oaks and hundreds of kids I didn’t know.

Dad’s voice floated into my head: “There aren’t many state boarding schools around you know, Abs.” I’d heard that a million times down the phone and over Skype all summer long. That and: “You’re lucky to have got a place; this is your chance to really get settled and stay put for a while.” Every time he said it, it was like we’d won the lottery or something. A boarding school that didn’t cost the earth. One the MoD’s ‘Continuity of Education Allowance’ would almost cover.

Mum thumped the horn, tearing me out of my thoughts as a gleaming 4x4 overtook us on the inside and flew straight across the empty roundabout ahead.

“Look at that! Thinks he owns the bloody road,” she shouted, narrowing her eyes and squeezing the accelerator. The sun danced on the back windscreen of the speeding car ahead, winking at us, teasing us. Mum’s fingers tightened around the wheel and her knuckles flashed bright white. I pushed back in my seat and she leaned forward in hers – me trying to hold our ancient Ford Fiesta back and her trying to spur it on.

I watched the speedo as it slowly climbed. 75. 80. 85…

I took a deep breath and felt for the frayed friendship bracelet on my left wrist, running it between the thumb and forefinger of my right hand, like I always did when I felt that first icy prickle of panic coming on. Sometimes just the feel of the old thread, knotted together just for me, only me, would be enough to drive my mind away from the places no good ever came of going.

87. 89. 91…

The engine whined desperately in protest. My legs were frozen in place – muscles locked in fear.

Mum’s mouth curled into a determined grimace.

“Isn’t it 60 through here?” My voice cracked. “Mum?”

I rubbed harder at the thread, worried one of these days I’d rub it clean away to nothing. “Mum, please.”

80. 70. 60…

She sighed as the 4x4 disappeared into the distance, and I could breathe again.

When we came to the next roundabout, I recognised the Little Chef and the open playing fields beyond. Rugby posts stood tall and bright, shining sentinels in the Sunday sun. We were almost there. Cars swarmed around us, bursting out of side roads now, flying across the roundabout in a steady stream. The sun sparked across each bonnet in turn, and I lowered my eyes as I tried to blink away the glare.

“Abigail…” Mum’s voice dripped a tired warning. “We’ve been through this…”

“It’s just the sun! I’m not—”

I could see in her face that she didn’t believe me. I could also see the black Volkswagen barrelling towards us as she made her exit, blind, her eyes on me instead of the road.

“Mum!”

She whipped her head back around and wrenched the wheel, swerving out of danger with inches to spare as every muscle in my body braced for the impact that didn’t come. The sound of the VW’s angry horn faded into the distance; my muscles stayed firmly locked. The next turn, sharp and angry as Mum took her frustration out on the kerb, flung us down a narrow lane off the main road, and we jerked to a standstill in the middle of a brightly zigzagged ‘School – No waiting’ zone.

“Here we are then,” Mum said in a voice filled with over-the-top cheer. I slowly let out my breath and rolled my shoulders a couple of times. She didn’t kill the engine. I looked over at her, and followed her gaze out across the wide, empty courtyard to the boarding house beyond. It was smallish, but still proper Sunday night drama material from certain angles. It was an old building, really old, and looked like it was overdue for some repairs here and there, but still it managed to look sort of classically elegant, screaming secret corridors and ancient, dusty books.

The sun ducked behind a cloud, and I felt a fresh burst of anxiety as the picture postcard view briefly turned into something more sinister in the gloom.

Mum gave a little shiver, before ramping the heater up, reaching across me to open the glovebox and rummaging around inside.

“That traffic’ll be worse on the way back, and I still haven’t finished the packing. It’ll be a miracle if I make that flight,” she muttered, scrabbling around madly before yanking her phone out on a wave of empty chocolate wrappers. I braced myself for the inevitable onslaught, but something on the screen caught and diverted her anger, and she started furiously pecking away at it in response.

I patted my pocket, checking for my own phone in case it had somehow slipped out when Mum pulled off her kerb-mounting turn; then I flipped down the sun visor to check my reflection. There were dark shadows under my eyes, my cheeks were puffy, and my too-dark, too-long hair looked lank and greasy. My forehead was too high, my nose was a breeding ground for blackheads, and—

I snapped the visor back up. Not looking was probably better.

I leant over and kissed Mum on the cheek. She kept on tapping and tutting, but threw me an air kiss in return.

“Will you see Dad, do you think? When you—”

“Oh, how many times, Abigail? I don’t know,” she snapped.

I felt my eyes sting; tears threatened, and there was no sun I could blame this time. Instead of shouting at me, her eyes softened and she threw an arm around me, her phone still clutched at the end of it. “I will, I’m sure, but it’s complicated, love. He’s all settled out there, and this is my first time. It’s going to take some getting used to for all of us. I won’t see him right away, and when I do it probably won’t be for long. Just send him an email as soon as you get settled. You know he logs on whenever he can.” She kissed my forehead then ruffled my hair, like I was a toddler. “And give me a ring tonight, OK?”

I nodded, not trusting myself to say anything over the lump rising in my throat.

“Make it late though, love. I’ve no idea what time I’ll get in, and the packing…”

Her voice drifted off, and her arm retracted, all attention reverting back to the phone. I nodded again, but she didn’t take her eyes off the screen.

I was stiff from sitting in the car so long, and I felt a hundred years old as I got out – nothing like the fifteen-year-old I was supposed to be. A bubble of guilt burst in my stomach as I pulled my suitcase out of the boot, remembering the two carrier bags hidden carefully inside a sweatshirt at the very bottom. If Mum had found them, well, I didn’t know if I’d even be here. I looked at the case for a second, sitting there on the pavement, full of secrets, and wondered if that would’ve been a good thing or a bad.

I slammed the boot shut, and Mum flung the car around in the road, startling me out of my thoughts. Her window came down. She’d put her big sunglasses on, the ones that made her look like an enormous wasp, and the phone was still clutched in her left hand.

“You’ll be fine, Abigail,” she said over the noise of the engine. “This place will do you the world of good.”

“Yeah. I know,” I lied. I was terrified. “Drive safe, Mum. And…”

She nodded, and smiled, but I couldn’t see if it reached her eyes.

It wasn’t like we hadn’t done this before. Goodbyes were nothing new. This time though, it felt different. Saying goodbye to both of them, to Beth, to home – it was goodbye all round. Suddenly that felt huge. Suddenly I felt more lost than ever.

And then down went the foot: Mum’s ‘legendary lead foot’ Dad used to call it. It was crazy, how hard some habits died. You’d think after what had happened…

I reached for the bracelet.

She turned back out onto the main road, one hand waving out the window, presumably steering with her knees as she pecked away at her phone with the other.

“Right then,” I muttered to myself. “I’ll be fine.”

Hey, it’s only boarding school, Abs! Beth’s voice rang out as clear as a bell in my mind. Stop with the self-pity. Mum’s the one heading off to a war zone, not you. Get a grip!

Beth’s world class when it comes to brutal honesty, and has never had any concept of tact. Everyone needs a friend like that in their lives. Mine just happens to be my big sister. She’s like a jellyfish sometimes, stinging you once, twice, or even three times before you realise it; but she’s usually right on the money. Sometimes you needed a sting to make you get up and out of the water.

I wrestled up the handle of my case, got a grip, and dragged it into line behind me.

**

My footsteps rang loudly on the stone as I walked across the courtyard – an unpleasant, auditory reminder that I should have made more of an effort to diet over the summer. Or, actually, any kind of effort. The start of the school year had always felt so far away. Until suddenly somehow it’s tomorrow, and here I am. Not ready. So not ready.

The building looked completely deserted, and with the sun refusing to come back out from under its blanket of cloud I was starting to get chills. I was also picking up a cheesy horror film vibe – casting myself in the lead role as the classic, vulnerable teenage girl – abandoned in a secluded spot…

In leafy, upper-class Oxfordshire, where endless old biddies peer through their curtains to check on their Volvos and bedding plants every five minutes…

Beth’s eyebrow lifted in my mind’s eye. And I conceded the point. There was probably nowhere safer. But as I looked up at the heavy oaks circling the courtyard they felt dark and oppressive somehow, like they could close ranks any second and trap me inside.

My heart started to pick up speed, and my fingers reached for the familiar, worn cotton as I fought to remind myself that I wasn’t alone; however much it might feel like it sometimes, I was never alone.

Chapter Two

Once I’d made it to the wide, crumbling stone doorstep, I had one last look around in case I’d somehow missed a big group of kids huddled together somewhere catching up on all the summer gossip. Maybe they were all up at the school itself; maybe I should’ve gone there first.

“It’s never like that in the books,” I remembered saying to Dad. “The dorms aren’t half a mile away from the school at the bottom of a hill at Hogwarts, are they?”

“Hog-whats?” Dad wasn’t much of a reader. “It’s a very old school,” he’d told me. “Not one of your concrete sixties’ monstrosities. You should be grateful!”

Panicking now, that I was in totally the wrong place, I delved into the front pocket of my case and pulled out the letter they’d sent at the beginning of the holidays.

‘Boarders are expected between 5p.m. and 7p.m. on Sunday 6th September.’

I looked down at my watch and sighed. No wonder there was no one about – I was two hours early.

I gnawed on my thumbnail for a while, before giving the door handle a surreptitious rattle: locked. I tried the buzzer next to it. Nothing.

I thought for a while, and decided I had two choices: I could haul myself and my case off up the hill in search of somewhere to get a hot chocolate, or I could just park myself there and wait it out. And as much as I loved anything and everything chocolate-based, I wasn’t built for climbing, so I slouched to the ground and wrapped my arms around my chest against the chill. I told myself I could use the time to get my head straight and make sure my grip was good and tight before all the other kids started arriving. But despite my best efforts it wasn’t long before those trees began to feel like they were closing in around me, and the silence slowly but steadily grew so very loud around me that I couldn’t bear it.

I dug my phone out of my pocket and my fingers went straight to Beth’s name – like chubby little magnets – when a sudden noise shattered the silence. I dropped the phone in surprise as something exploded out of one of the oak trees, arrowing across the courtyard in a flurry of disturbed leaves and frantic wings. I ducked down and swore reflexively, pulling my hands up over my head before realising nothing was actually attacking me. I looked up and saw a magpie. I felt ridiculous. Thank goodness no one had been around to see.

“Good-morning-Mr-Magpie-how’s-your-wife?” I blurted the silly greeting Mum always used out of superstitious habit, and the bird let out a rapid-fire series of yaks that sounded like laughter in response, then disappeared into a hedgerow across the lane.

A car door slammed nearby, and I swung my head around as I spotted what must have disturbed the bird in the first place. A dark hatchback sat across from the gate, which now swung open to let a handsome, older man – Silver fox! Beth would’ve said – into the courtyard. An equally handsome blond teen with a large rucksack slung over his shoulder followed close behind.

“Hello!” The George Clooney lookalike offered me a cheery smile as he walked over. “Are we too early? Strickland not about?”

“Um…who?”

“Mr Strickland? Or Mrs – it’s usually Ian who opens up and then Irene…” He drifted off and looked down at my nervous, fidgeting form. I sprang up into a standing fidget instead, almost going flying over my case in the process. The boy beside him, the spitting image of the man who could only be his dad, slowly took me in without saying a word. I felt my cheeks flush.

“I’ve only just got here,” I said. “I haven’t seen anyone yet. It’s my first day.”

“Ah, I didn’t think I’d seen you before.” He beamed at me. “You’ve not been left on your own, surely?”

I shrugged. “It’s fine. I’m fine.” It wasn’t like I was a little kid or anything. I felt my cheeks do their thing even more.

“Well, you’ve got some company now,” he said. “This is my son – Tyler.” He punched the boy lightly on the shoulder. “Say hi, Ty!”

Tyler, all surfer hair and golden tan, rolled steely-blue eyes before a loud buzz belched out from the speaker by the door – making me jump yet again. My nerves were completely, embarrassingly shredded. A deep voice boomed from within. “What’s this then? Such keenness! Commendable!” A wheezy chuckle followed, then, “Well, come on up! Don’t stand about making the place look untidy!”

As the door clicked open, surfer-boy Tyler grabbed his dad in a quick, one-armed hug.

“See you Friday,” he said in a soft voice, clapping him on the back before ducking through the door. I was just about to awkwardly thank Clooney for the introduction when Tyler stuck his head back out and lifted an eyebrow. “You coming then, New Girl?”

“Ty’ll help you find your feet,” Clooney said, lifting my case up and over the step for me. “He’s just starting Year Twelve so he knows the ropes. Don’t let him boss you around though!” He gave me a friendly wink before making his way back towards the gate. When I turned around, Tyler had already gone back in. I took a deep breath, visualised Beth making shooing motions at me with impatient hands, and headed in after him.

The second both my feet were inside the building a single, piercing yaw rang out from behind me. I spun, expecting to see the magpie again, almost losing my balance and face-planting in the process; but as I turned, a gust of wind caught the door and slammed it soundly shut behind me.

Chapter Three

My heart thumped with a mixture of nerves and general out-of-shape knackeredness as I wrestled my case up the dim stairwell – finally emerging into the bright reception area like an exhausted mole. A short man, completely bald with a perfectly round belly sitting like a beach ball under his shirt, was chatting away cheerily to Tyler. Mr Strickland, I presumed. He looked like he’d been off somewhere hot for the summer, as the top of his head and the front of his nose were brightly burned – a flaming red a million miles from the sun-kissed look Tyler was rocking. That made me smile. He was, quite literally, a shining beacon of normality.

I stood out from both of them though: ghostlike in my comparative paleness, and chubbier than the pair of them put together. Vive la difference! Dad would have said. Get over it, Fatty, would’ve been Beth’s advice. It’s your own fault. Double sting. But I’d spent most of the summer indoors, with comfort food for company. She was right. I had no one to blame but myself.

“Couldn’t wait to get back eh? Missed the old place that much?” Beachball asked, grinning at Tyler, whose reply was another lazy eye-roll. Obviously a standard move. “And who do we have here?” He peered at me for a second, before recognition dawned. “Ah! You must be Abigail! Hello! How was your journey?”

“Yeah, fine thanks.” I was still trying to catch my breath, and made an attempt to cover up the catch in my breathing with a totally unconvincing yawn.

“Excellent!” He grinned. “Well, welcome to the boarding house, Abigail. I’m sure you’ll be very happy here. We’re all the quintessential big happy family. Isn’t that right, Tyler?”

I was expecting yet another eye-roll, but something sad flashed across Tyler’s eyes, just for a second, before he murmured something non-committal in response. Beachball clapped him on the back and took a dig at “the eloquence of youth.”

“Mum and Dad not with you?” he asked, raising himself up on the balls of his feet to look over my shoulder, as if maybe they were standing behind me and were just incredibly small.

“Oh, no. Mum had to rush back,” I told him. “She flies out early tomorrow morning. And Dad’s already out of the country.”

“Ah, now, that sounds very exotic! What is it your parents do? Something much more exciting than teaching by the sound of it!”

I felt a painful tug in my stomach, and there was a split-second delay before I answered. “They’re in the army. Dad’s on deployment in Afghanistan, on his third tour now. Mum’s heading over there for the first time tomorrow.”

“Ah, now, well then.” He looked suddenly uncomfortable, his face glowing even more redly. There was something we had in common, at least. “My word. Not exotic at all. That must be extremely difficult for you, Abigail, having both parents in such… Well, yes, my word…”

There was an awkward pause. I thought it was a bit odd that he hadn’t already known. But with so many kids to look after, I supposed it must have been hard to keep track of everyone.

“And there I was,” he eventually continued, “thinking all our brave young men and women were either home or on their way, not still being shipped out. It just goes to show.”

Everyone always thought that now. That it was all over and done with. That we’d ‘won’. “Most of them are,” I told him. “Dad’s out there working with their police force, and Mum’ll be working with the local army – making sure they’re ready – that they don’t need anyone else. Kind of so that everyone else can come home.”

“Well well…that’s… My goodness. How commendable.”

He looked flustered, and I felt awkward, but help arrived in the form of a crackle from the intercom. Beachball sprang back into cheery mode – looking grateful for the interruption.

“Aha! Let’s see who else is keen to get back!” He rubbed his hands together. “Tyler, perhaps you could show Abigail around? We’ve put her in Scarlett’s dorm. You’ll love our Miss Murphy,” he told me with a wink. “She’s one of the most popular girls in the school; there’s no one here who knows better how hard it can be when you first start boarding, no matter what age you are. She’ll help you find your feet in no time.”

A flash of something I couldn’t quite put my finger on danced across Tyler’s eyes this time, somehow making me feel more nervous than ever as Beachball bounced off to buzz the door open.

“Come on then,” he said with a small smile that didn’t quite touch those eyes, before striding off down the corridor towards another set of stairs. I grabbed my case, tried to square my shoulders a little, and followed.

He bounded up three flights before finally stopping beside a door on the top corridor, waiting for me to catch up. It took a while. I tried to console myself with the fact that after a few weeks of this, combined with the walk up that hill to the school every day, I’d be fitter than ever. Not that that would be particularly difficult.

“What?” I panted, when I finally made it. “Never seen a girl with asthma before?” I meant it as a joke, but judging by the look on his face it’d come out wrong. “Don’t they have lifts?” I blundered on. “I mean, with everyone having cases and stuff?”

He shook his head. “No lifts. This building is approximately a million years old.”

“Yeah, but…aren’t there laws, or something?” I leant over slightly, feeling my breath start to settle. “What if you’re disabled?”

He shrugged. “You sleep downstairs.”

He pushed the door open, and then looked back at me. “Are you?” he said.

“Am I what?”

“Disabled?”

“No.”

He raised his eyebrows at me.

“I just meant, you know, what if.”

“Ah.”

He held the door open, and I shimmied past, face flaming from a mix of exertion and embarrassment. And I found myself in the pinkest room I’d ever seen. I don’t know whether it was the tension of the journey, or the awkwardness of the conversation, or what, but after taking a quick look around I burst out laughing, and once I’d started I couldn’t stop. Initially, Tyler looked at me like I was insane; but when I finally managed to blurt out, “God, my eyes!” he cracked a smile, and eventually started to laugh along with me.

“Got any shades in there?” he asked, nodding towards my case.

I felt some of the tension start to leave my shoulders. Now his eyes were smiling. But he still looked slightly awkward, leaning in the doorway, like his feet were trapped behind some kind of imaginary line.

“Somewhere,” I answered. And then, because the silence that followed went on just that little bit too long, as well as because I was suddenly genuinely curious, I asked, “So…are boys not allowed in the girls’ dorms or something?”

He laughed again, and as he uncrossed his arms and stepped inside I thought maybe I wasn’t the only one who’d been feeling tense.

“We’re allowed,” he said, flinging his arms up and giving a little twirl that set me off giggling again. It was a nerves thing. So embarrassing. He nodded across to the only unmade bed of the four – the one directly beneath the window, and I hauled my case over and collapsed onto it. Between the freaky bird and the stair-a-thon I already felt like I needed a couple of hours to recover. And apparently, it showed.

“Need some time to settle in before the grand tour?” he asked.

I glanced around the room again, trying to adjust to the pinkness. Seeing the small bedside table and the individual desk next to it, it hit me suddenly: a stark, visual reminder that I wouldn’t be going home tonight. Or tomorrow night. Or any night for a good few weeks yet. And it really shouldn’t have mattered, because without Mum, Dad or Beth, home was just an empty shell anyway. But still…it got to me. I didn’t want Tyler to see that. I was fifteen, not five – I shouldn’t have been feeling homesick the second I’d walked through the door. Tyler was used to it. They all would be. I’d stick out like a sore thumb if they knew.

“Yeah, I think maybe I’ll get unpacked,” I told him. “Can I come and find you in a bit?”

“Sure.” He shrugged. “I’ll probably be down in the common room. It’s just off reception.”

“Thanks.” I smiled up at him. He wasn’t the bag-carrying gentlemanly sort like his dad, but he’d been kind, and friendly, and I was glad he’d been there. He stopped at the door for a second before turning to look back at me.

“About Scarlett,” he said, slowly. Carefully. “She’s…”

And I waited, but the rest of his sentence never came.

“It doesn’t matter,” he murmured. “I’ll catch you later.”

“OK…” I said, to no one in particular as the door swung shut behind him. “So, that was weird…”

After his footsteps had faded down the corridor, I switched over into snoop mode. The hot pink bed linen must’ve been school issue, because a fresh set sat, gently glowing, at the end of my bed. The curtains and lampshades were the same shocking hue, and two of the three other beds were heaped high with even more violently pink cushions – while the third boasted an enormous, fluffy stuffed pig. It seemed I was well and truly in girly girls’ territory. It wasn’t really my style; but in a way it was kind of a relief, because it was hard to feel threatened by the sort of girl who’d go to bed with a cuddly pig. I’d come up against my fair share of Mean Girls over the years – who hadn’t – but I was pretty sure none of them had been into soft toys.

The wall above each of the other beds was plastered with photos of smiling, laughing teens, and on two of the bedside tables there were framed photos of ridiculously good-looking guys, one throwing a smouldering smile at the camera, and one with his arm around a stunning redhead. The third boasted a tattered photo of what looked to be an ancient Alsatian, and it made me smile.

I’d only brought one photo with me – one real one anyway, there were plenty on my phone – but I wasn’t ready to display it just yet. Pulling my battered, dog-eared novel out of my case, I opened it to where the photo marked my place, and felt my heart attempt both a leap and a nosedive at the same time. I closed it again gently, and laid the book on the small bedside table.

I got on with making my bed up and unpacking, before I could start thinking about things and getting upset, convincing myself that it’d be good to look ‘settled’ by the time the others got here. I hung my school clothes – the exact same unimaginative navy blue and white as all the others I’d been through, just with a slightly different crest on the sweatshirt – in the narrow wardrobe. My own clothes, mostly oversized jeans and hoodies, got crammed in around them. I stacked my new stationery on my desk and filled the bedside table with more well-thumbed paperbacks and my trusty Kindle.

The wide, inviting drawer under the bed, the only one with a key sitting pretty in the lock, cried out for my stash. I chewed on a thumbnail as I considered it. I could just throw it all out – dump the lot in one of the big Biffa bins that would inevitably be sitting out back somewhere. I could leave it all behind me once and for all – make this fresh start real. Or, I could just hold on to it for a bit, let it help me through the first few days and then ditch it when I was settled. It wasn’t like I was going to use it, after all. It just helped, knowing it was there. I listened carefully for footsteps out in the corridor, then pulled the two concealed carrier bags from my case and shoved them inside. I slammed the drawer on them and flicked the lock, slipping the key into my pocket before I could change my mind.

And that was me pretty much done. I started to feel a tightness in my chest as I looked at my little corner of the dorm, that familiar early warning of anxiety on the horizon. The walls started to slowly press in around me, and it didn’t feel as if there was enough air in the room. My fingers found the bracelet again, worrying at the tiny knots so hard I was afraid they’d all unravel.

Not losing it already are you, Abs? Beth’s voice was always there in the back of my mind. The best friend, the best big sister a girl could have. I knew it sounded corny, but so what, it was true – she was the one person who’d always been there for me, no matter how many times we upped and moved with Mum and Dad’s ever-changing deployments. The only constant. It had been difficult, almost impossible half the time, to make friends and hang on to them, but I’d lucked out because I had my best friend there with me all the time. Except for now, of course. I was here, and she was off settling in at uni, and nothing was ever going to be quite the same again.

Quit overthinking it, Doofus. We’ll talk online. And the holidays’ll be here before you know it.

She’d told me so many times. It was burned into my brain, but still it was hard to hold on to. I’d be OK for a bit, then I’d feel myself slipping again.

You’re not on your own.

Trying not to look at the walls as they pressed in towards me, I leant over to pull the curtains back from the window, fumbling with a fiddly, ancient-looking screw-fitting before I could finally fling the sash up high enough to let in the late summer air. I took a deep breath and filled my lungs with it, as a gentle breeze skimmed across my skin.

“You’ve always got to look for the positives,” Dad had kept telling me. All summer long. And I got that, I really did. It was just that sometimes the positives were really, really good at hiding.

A shriek from outside overrode my overthinking, and I stuck my head out of the window to see what was going on. The dorm faced out directly onto the courtyard, and I could see cars lining up outside the gate now – disgorging laughing kids with enormous bags. No one looked up at the new girl in the window; everyone was busy looking for their friends at ground level. I got to be invisible, anonymous, for just a little while longer.

A brightness in the trees to the left caught my eye: a flash of midnight blue, followed by a fierce flare of red in the sunlight. I stuck my head out further, risking discovery to peer across at the branches swaying in the late-afternoon breeze. And there he was again. “How’s your wife, Mr Magpie?” I only whispered it this time in case anyone did look up and think I was insane. Do you even have to say it again if it’s the same one? If it even was the same one. He’d need a name if he was going to keep showing up. I watched as he flicked his head from side to side, as if he was telling me ‘no’ – no what? No I don’t have to say it again? No he’s not the same one? Shouldn’t he, perhaps, have been nodding ‘yes’, as in ‘yes, Abby, you’re losing your mind, talking to a bird’?

His eyes locked on to mine as I thought it – the only soul out there who saw me. They flashed a deep, disturbing shade of red – a trick of the sunlight, no doubt, and presumably the flare I’d initially seen. I tried to hold his gaze. It felt like a question of pride. My eyes started to burn, and he emerged the clear winner as I closed them to clear the bright, piercing after-image of his own.

When I looked again, he was gone.

I told myself it could have been worse – it could have been a raven. That would have been way more creepy. The stuff of powerful poems and brooding teen dramas and meaningful nightmares.

Trust me to end up with a magpie. I never quite got it right.

Chapter Four

With nothing left to unpack, I had no reason to hang around in the dorm. Except that with people now starting to show up and swarm around, I suddenly really didn’t want to do the whole New Girl thing. That first bit, where everyone stares at you like you’re a new exhibit at the zoo and no one’s worked out what category of animal you are just yet; where you have to smile so hard to prove to everyone you’re not a predator that your face burns; at the same time as not letting anyone think you’re prey either. That bit doesn’t get any easier no matter how many times you go through it.

I started to wish I’d gone back down with Tyler. At least then I would’ve had someone there, to maybe make the introductions and take the pressure off. And everything was different this time. I wouldn’t get to go home at three o’clock. I wouldn’t get to argue with Mum over breakfast, and make up over dinner. I wouldn’t be able to con Beth into doing my homework for me. I wouldn’t be able to go home until Christmas.

My self-pity alarm went off in my head. I needed something to take my mind off it, and fast. It never mattered what you thought about, so long as you just didn’t think about the thing that hurt. No way could I go down there with red-rimmed eyes – that would put me smack bang into the ‘prey’ category with a huge target painted right on my back.

In the end I settled on trying to think of everything I knew about magpies. It didn’t take long, but it was kind of random enough to derail the bad thoughts. Magpies were bad luck if you saw them on their own – that was why you had to ask about their wife, because if you acted like there were two of them it was fine. Although I had no idea why no one ever asked about husbands.

They were supposed to like shiny things. They were territorial, I thought, although I realised I was basing this purely on a YouTube video I’d once seen of a girl on a bike getting attacked by one. It was hilarious. There was something else, too, something right at the back of my mind that I couldn’t quite untangle. Something to do with blood, and the devil. Beth would know – she’d gone through a pretty heavy-duty Catholic phase once.

Beth! I hadn’t even messaged her since I’d arrived. She’d be worried about me.

I grabbed my phone. She was online, of course. She was always online.

-hey B! whats that thing with magpies & the devil? Can u remember?

There was a slight pause, and then, ‘Beth is typing…’

I let out a slow breath as the familiarity of contact started to work its magic and calm me down. Everything might have changed but some things would always stay the same – right? I couldn’t work out if that made any sense or not, but I liked the thought of it either way.

-Hello, Beth. How are you? I’m fine. I made it to my new school safely. I’m settling in OK. You can stop worrying now…

I laughed, and rolled my eyes.

-sorry!! hi! hows u? all good here. the magpie thing though?

-Seriously? Why aren’t you making friends instead of asking me crazy weird questions?

-cos theres a magpie outside and im trying to think of the blood thing, what was it, do u know??

-Yes, of course I know. I read, Abs. Actual books, not your dodgy Fifty Shades nonsense *bites lip*

-whatever! i only read them to see what the fuss was about!

-That’s what they all say, Sis.

-yeah well at least i didnt watch the film *points finger*. anyway are u gonna tell me or not??

-Only because they wouldn’t let you in. And it depends, are you going to start properly spelling and punctuating your messages?

-yeah when i get old and fussy and annoying like you :p now spill.

-OK, crazy girl. Magpies supposedly didn’t sing when Jesus was crucified. They were the only birds that didn’t. Even those big old crows that everyone thinks are so spooky sang. Or cawed. Or whatever it is they do. But not the magpies. Some people say they carry a drop of the devil’s blood on their tongues. They’re cursed birds, Abs. Laden with darkness.

I got chills as I read. Maybe the bird outside my window could rival a raven yet.

-If you believe in that kind of thing, that is.

I fired back a LOL, feeling better as I remembered how Beth’s level of belief had taken a nosedive when a certain hot young novice priest had moved on and an octogenarian with gastric ‘issues’ had taken his place at the chapel on the base.

-i think he lives in this tree outside my window, I told her. he needs a name.

-OK. Call him Malthus. Now go and make friends, or I’ll tell Mum.

-malthus??

-Google it, Doofus. Now Go Make Friends!

-i dont like it, its too lispy.

-You are seriously weird, you know that, Abigail Gray?

-oh yeah, grey!

-What are you on about now?

-the black and white thing, u mix them u get grey – ill call him Grey.

-Magpies actually have a bluish tinge to their feathers, and green tails. So that doesn’t work, Doofus.

-yeah well i like it, anyway cant chat on here all day, gotta go make friends :p

I logged out before she could snark back at me and get the last word. And I felt much better. Less lost. More like the kind of person people might want to hang out with, rather than just sort of stare at. My phone buzzed, and I looked down to see a text.

Let me know how it goes, and say hi to Malthus for me xx

I smiled. I’d give her a call later tonight. She’d want to hear about Tyler for sure – she had an epic weakness for blond surfer types.

I lay back and sighed. My bed was pretty comfortable, but something was digging into my thigh. I pulled the small, golden key from my pocket and turned it over in my fingers. Its smooth warmth made me feel safe – in control. It was like running my fingertips over the bracelet, except in that one moment the key felt more solid – more real. I closed my eyes. I’d just lie here for a few more minutes. Enjoy the calm before the storm.

Chapter Five

Nothing made any sense when the bird woke me up. Because I couldn’t have been asleep. I’d heard the laughter and the shouts outside, the cars and the footsteps; but the sudden scrape of claws against glass had startled me upright and my head swam with the kind of confusion that only falling asleep when you didn’t mean to brings. When just for that one split second you don’t know where you are or what day or time it is. And there he was, perched as still as a statue, somehow calmly expanding to fill the entire open window.

I swore like a squaddie and threw myself sideways off the bed, trying to get well out of beak range, landing on the hardwood floor with a thump. I heard creaking doors and echoing shouts in the corridor outside, but I didn’t take my eyes off the bird, pushing myself further back towards the door, staying low. I had no idea why. Maybe I’d thought I’d be less of a target down there. Unfortunately, I was a pretty substantial target anywhere, as I proved when the door flew open and eager footsteps rushed in, tangled themselves up in my arms, and flew over me. The bird bolted. The owner of the footsteps cried out. And for some reason, probably because I had no idea what else to do, I giggled.

A short, skinny blonde who couldn’t have been more than fourteen peeled herself off the floor with, I think, more hurt in her eyes than anywhere else.

“Oh, God, I’m not – sorry,” I gabbled breathlessly, pushing myself to my feet and offering her a hand just that little bit too late. “I mean, I am sorry, obviously. I meant to say I’m not…I wasn’t…laughing at you. Sorry.”

She looked a bit like one of those cats you sometimes see in town. Wide-eyed and unsure whether to come over and rub against your leg or run like hell in the opposite direction.

“I sort of laugh when I’m nervous,” I explained. It didn’t seem to help. “I’m Abby.” I ploughed bravely on. “I’m new. Sorry.”

The silence stretched out for a couple more agonising seconds before she broke into a kind of puzzled smile; and I breathed an inner sigh of relief.

“Hi.” She waved, wincing a little and then holding her arm, and she looked so small, so tiny, that I worried I’d broken her. “I’m Lilly,” she said. “I’ve been here for ever. Why were you on the floor?”

I brushed some imaginary dust from my jeans, playing for time, and looked over at the emptiness of the open window.

“You didn’t see him?” I asked, wondering what came first in all the confusion: the opening door, the fleeing feathers, or the falling Lilly.

“See who?”

“There was a…never mind.” I didn’t think it would’ve helped. ‘There was a bird. It scared me. I’m clearly insane.’ “I’m really sorry. Epically bad timing. Way to make a first impression, right?”

She laughed with me this time, and went to pick up a bag I hadn’t even noticed her drop. It was tiny – maybe half the size of my case. She threw it onto the bed nearest mine and started flinging things out at random, chatting away to me over her shoulder. I sat back down on the bed, still trying to compose myself. It seemed to have been that kind of a day, so far.

“You’re Year Eleven, aren’t you?” She didn’t bother to wait for an answer. “Mrs S told us about you. Mrs Strickland I mean. You’ve met her, right? And Mr S?” She stopped for a second, and turned around to look right at me. “You haven’t just been sitting up here all on your own or anything, have you?”

“No. Well, not really…I was just…unpacking. Tyler was going to show me around.”

“Oh, you’ve met Tyler! Isn’t he beautiful?”

The image of Beth pulling a thumbs-up and grinning flew into my head, and I smiled. “Yeah, he is sort of pretty.”

“Rae and Scar can’t be back yet; this place is way too tidy,” she said, stuffing clothes into drawers then kicking off her shoes and curling her feet under her on the bed. “Me and Rae are Year Ten. Scar’s Year Eleven though. You two are the only boarders in your year. You’ll love her. She’s great. The easiest person to talk to in the world, ever.”

Scar…Scarlett… Tyler popped into my head. ‘About Scarlett. She’s…’

“It seems weird, doesn’t it?” Lilly went on, like a sort of small, determined terrier. “Mixed year groups sharing a dorm. But there’s not many of us left now. Did you hear the rumours? Everyone thinks this place is totally haunted. It freaks some people out. They mostly go over to the boarding school in Oxford instead now. St Jo’s. Did you look round it? It’s all sort of sleek and shiny, and new. Not the kind of place you’d find ghosts. They wouldn’t dare. It costs a fortune though.”

“Oh, no, I didn’t – I haven’t…” I got mixed up with her questions, she talked so fast. “I mean, it does look like a pretty old building, so I suppose…you know…it’d kind of be par for the course? The haunted thing?”

“Yeah, but this is supposed to be a really evil ghost. Totally out for revenge. One who seriously hates kids. You’re the first new boarder we’ve had here in for ever.”

Oh, good – that was encouraging! Maybe that explained why it was so easy for Mum and Dad to get me a place on short notice – it didn’t sound like there’d be much of a waiting list…

Lilly smiled across at me, her eyes clear and earnest, before they slowly flickered over to mortification.

“Sorry! Totally not what you want to hear on your first day. My mouth kind of runs away with me sometimes. Take no notice!”

“It’s fine,” I murmured, not entirely sure if it was or not.

“I’m not trying to freak you out or anything. That’d be really lame. I just thought you’d know about it. I thought everyone knew about it. Anyway, we’re all still here, and we’re fine. Except Lacey. She’s in Year Nine. She’s lovely, but sort of a bit mental. Last term she swore blind she’d seen this girl at the end of her bed, just standing there, in a sort of old-fashioned nightie, staring at her. So we all camped out in her dorm one night – Scar organised this whole sort of, vigil thing. But none of us saw anything. Only she kept on seeing her, and she ended up with the school nurse for a bit, then she got sent home to see her own GP, and now she’s up in some referral unit in Oxford. She’s kind of all confused, in the head. No one’s been able to talk to her over the holidays.” She picked up her phone from the end of her bed, and flicked her fingers over it. “She’s never online any more. I suppose they don’t let you, in there.” She shuddered. “Can you imagine? Have you ever seen a ghost?”

“Err, no…” I replied, still trying to catch up with everything she’d said and work out how I felt about it.

“Me neither.” She pouted. “Wouldn’t it be amazing though? I mean, apart from the going mental thing.”

I couldn’t really think of a way to answer that politely, so I just tried for a smile. My head was starting to pound.

“How come you’re here so early anyway?” she asked. “I thought I’d be the first one back. I was going to make up your bed for you and everything, you know, to make it nice.”

“Oh, that’s kind, but it’s fine. Mum had to get back—”

“Is it dead scary? It must be, your first day in a new school. When there’s no other new people, I mean. I’d hate it. I mean, not that it’s bad or anything, but, you know…” She let the sentence hang.

I tried to remember if I’d packed any paracetamol. Lilly seemed kind, and sweet, and brilliantly friendly, but I had the feeling that sharing a room with her was going to be a headachy kind of experience. I had to fight to remember what the question was.

“Um, no, it’s fine.” I gave a little shrug, like it really didn’t bother me. Like I hadn’t been worrying about this for weeks. Beth always said never to show your fear around dogs or teenage girls.

“At least you’ll have Scar – some year groups only have one boarder, which is harsh. I’ve got Rae so I’m lucky too. Mrs S put you guys in together so you’d have someone with you all the time while you settle in. Pretty cool, right?”

“Yeah, that’s nice,” I murmured, with Tyler’s weird almost-comment still bouncing around in my head. It wasn’t what he’d said that worried me, it was what he hadn’t.

Lilly had claimed the bed with the ancient Alsatian standing guard, and I looked over at the other two photos again with the sudden certainty that I knew who the beautiful redhead was going to be. I was just about to ask when the door flew open again and a taller, equally skinny dark-haired girl with enormous brown eyes, and a phone glued to her ear burst in.

“I didn’t… I did not… Why do you always… What…? I said NO! GOD!”

The phone flew across the room in an elegant arc before landing on the non-redhead-picture bed, then bouncing high into the air and coming down to the floor, sending the back and the battery flying. “OH FOR F—”

“Hi, Rae!” Lilly leapt in, heroically. “Abby, this is Rae; Rae, this is Abby.”

Rae looked up and gave me a murderous glare, before kicking all three bits of her phone across the room and flinging herself down onto the bed, face first.

“Oh-kay,” Lilly sing-songed. “So it seems Rae’s not having the best of days. Don’t take it personally. She’s like this with everyone when she gets in one of her moods.”

“I Am Not In A Mood.” The words were muffled through the pillow, but the capitals were clearly audible. Lilly rolled her eyes as she bent down, gathering and trying to reassemble the phone for her friend.

“You totally get to know each other inside out here. I’m going to say that was her older sister on the phone, wanting to know why half her wardrobe has somehow disappeared. And downstairs there’ll be this bulging suitcase that Rae hasn’t managed to con anyone into lugging up here for her yet. Am I right?”

Rae rolled over and sat up on the bed, huffing with each movement. “It’s not like she PAID for any of the clothes. I don’t know what her problem is. She’ll get a whole new set next week; she’s going on a shoot for Burberry.”

“Right. So, Rae’s sister is, like, the next big thing in supermodels,” Lilly explained. “And Rae really needs to hurry up and get her case up here so we can check out the goods.” She rubbed her hands together eagerly. “I need something gorgeous – something that would make even Tyler sit up and take notice. Hey, we’ll find something for you too, Abby!” She beamed at me, and it was sweet but I wondered what in the world she was thinking. I was least two Raes wide. Probably closer to three. I felt my cheeks burn. “Are you into fashion?”

“Er, no, not really,” I confessed, as all three of us looked down at my Matalan polo shirt and jeans at the same time. “I’m more sort of, all about the comfort.”

“Smart move,” Rae said. “Saves a lot of arguments, I’d imagine.” She nodded her head towards Lilly. “She’s always like this, by the way. Scarlett’s the same. Can talk for England. Doesn’t it just make you want to kill her? Have you got any food, Lils? I’m dying here.”

Lilly shook her head. “God no, I’m still on that diet. It’s evil.”

I must’ve looked suitably confused, because she went on to explain. “I’m like, the last CCC girl left on the shelf. Scar says she’s going to help get me hooked up with someone this year. But first I definitely need to lose some weight.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that,” Rae muttered. “You want to lose some chatter first.”

That made me chuckle, and I looked over at Lilly, guiltily, but she didn’t seem to mind.

“Hold on a sec,” I said, hopping down from the bed and rummaging around in the bottom of my case. “I know I’ve got one…in here…somewhere. Aha!” I whipped out a bar of Galaxy and Rae’s face lit up.

“We’re going to get on, me and you,” she said, as I broke off a row and handed it over. “Cheers!”

“First days usually call for emergency chocolate,” I replied with a grin. And I couldn’t resist holding a still-wrapped chunk out to Lilly, and waggling my eyebrows. She was about the skinniest little thing I’d ever seen. No way was a bit of chocolate going to hurt her.

Lilly looked over at Rae, who threw her a shrug in return, cramming the chocolate into her mouth. Lilly darted a nervous look towards the door, and then tore into it, giggling guiltily as the three of us indulged. Contented chomping filled the room. I looked up, and I suddenly wanted to text Beth, right there and then: I think I just made friends.

We made light work of the small bar between us, and I was lying back on my bed feeling the rush when Rae piped up with, “First days, you said. Plural. Do you have a lot of them, or something?”

“Yeah, it’s kind of an occupational hazard,” I admitted. “This is my fifth new school since I started secondary.”

“Fifth!” Lilly squeaked. “Why? Did you get expelled or something? I don’t know anyone who’s ever been expelled. Awesome. What did you do?”

“Of course she didn’t get expelled, you doughnut.” Rae chucked a hot pink pillow at her, scoring a direct hit. “You think she’s been expelled four times and then sent here? Like we’re some kind of inner-city school for the deranged and the disturbed? Honestly. Expelled. What did happen though?” she asked, looking at me intently with those impossibly large eyes. “Shit, you didn’t get expelled, did you? I was only joking, about the deranged thing.”

I laughed. “No, it’s fine, it wasn’t like that.” And I spent the next hour or so explaining what it was like when both your parents were in the army.

I’d never actually thought it’d be like this. Never this soon, anyway. It was nice, really nice, the three of us curled up comfortably like we were old friends – not like I was sat at school with a couple of people I’d only just met..

“We move around, a lot,” I told them. “You never know where the deployments will be or when there’ll be training courses all over the place, and it just gets kind of crazy. They move us from base to base. We never really get to stay anywhere for long.”

They asked about a thousand questions each. Lilly’s were sort of as I’d already come to expect, but Rae’s were considered, and intent, and took me by surprise.

“Don’t you worry about them getting…hurt?”

“Yeah, of course. But you just have to try not to think about it. Otherwise you just kind of go mad.”

“But isn’t it hard to keep up with your work when you have to keep changing schools all the time?”

“Yeah, sort of, but luckily I’m dead smart, so, you know, no worries really.” They both laughed at that one. Even without knowing how hideous my grades had traditionally been.

“Who cares about the work,” Lilly threw in. “It must be way harder keeping friends if you move all the time. How do you manage it?”

“I don’t, really. I’ve never sort of been one for friends.”

Lilly inhaled sharply and her hands flew up to her mouth in a gesture that was so overly dramatic it set me off laughing again.

“It’s OK,” I told her when I got my breath back. “I have my sister. She’s my best friend. We pretty much never stick around anywhere long enough to make good friends, but we’ve always got each other.”

“So how come you never switched to a boarding school sooner then?” Rae asked.

I shrugged. “We never really needed to. It’s only now that…” I trailed off for a second, surprised by the catch in my voice. “I mean, it’s just, Beth’s at uni now, and with Mum and Dad both being deployed at the same time…”

“Sorry,” Rae murmured. “I didn’t mean to—”

“No, it’s fine,” I said, getting a grip. “Really. It’s cool.”

“So, do you meet, like, loads of really hot soldiers?” Lilly’s eager question swept away the tension, and Rae threw another pillow at her.

“Do you have easy access to a gun?” Rae asked me, darting a murderous look Lilly’s way. The two of them were like a well-practised comedy duo; it was brilliant.

“In both cases, the answers are MoD classified, I’m afraid.” This time it was Lilly who threw a pillow at me, but she was a lousy shot, and all she ended up doing was knocking the books off my bedside table. My photo flew out, and fluttered to the floor, drawing all eyes in the room. I swore under my breath as I reached out for it, but Lilly was like lightning.

“Whoa! Stop Press! Who is he?”

“Lilly…” There was a clear warning in Rae’s tone, but Lilly was too far gone.

“Whatever – shut up. We need to talk. Who is he, Abby?”

Rae snatched the photo from her, and handed it back to me. She looked down at her feet, pretending she hadn’t seen the way my eyes were filling up. “Seriously, Lilly. We really need to get you trained.”

“What?” Lilly looked up. “Oh, hell, what did I—”

“You didn’t. It’s fine.” I blinked away the tears, feeling pathetic. I’d thought I was on top of it.

“Did you break up?” Rae asked quietly, and it took me a minute to understand. I looked down at the photo clutched in my hand. Beth sat on the sofa in our old quarters, doubled over with laughter, as Jase pulled a bodybuilder pose in the foreground with his top off and his combat trousers tucked into his heavy boots. His eyes were hidden behind mirrored shades, and he looked hot. Top-Gun hot. The sunlight pouring through the window had been kind. You couldn’t see the acne, or the scars. He just looked…hot.

My head started to swim again. I couldn’t do this. Not here, not yet. The silence stretched out, and then suddenly there was an easy way out just sitting there…waiting for me. And I took it.

“Yeah,” I said, clearing my throat and rubbing my eyes with my sleeve. “Something like that.”

“Sorry,” both girls murmured in unison.

“Yeah, thanks. It’s OK though. It happens.” I smiled, and they smiled back. And it was OK. It was way, way more OK this way. So much easier. Thank goodness for Rae.

“Can I have another look though?” Lilly asked, and this time Rae actually jumped on her and started hitting her with her own pillow, and my heart lifted. I went to put the photo back inside my book, then hesitated.

“Do you want some Blu-Tack?” Rae asked, taking a break from her attack.

“I’ve got some.” Lilly was quick to jump in, crawling out from under her friend and opening one of her drawers.

“No, that’s OK thanks,” I replied. “Not just yet. But, you know, maybe in a bit.”

I was about to slide it back inside the pages, when I caught Lilly’s pleading expression, and handed it over to her with a smile.

“Thanks!” She beamed back at me. “I’ve never had a boyfriend. This is like, inspiration for me! What’s his name?”

“Jason. Jase.”

Rae looked at the photo over her shoulder. “He is seriously fit, Abby. Well played. How long were you guys together?”

“We weren’t really together together. I mean, he’s…nineteen…and a friend.”

“Nineteen! Your parents must’ve freaked!” Lilly squealed.

“Yeah, well, no, cos it wasn’t like that. I mean, I’m only fifteen.”

Lilly’s face went almost as pink as the décor. I scrambled to explain before mine followed suit.

“I mean, his dad’s in the same squadron as mine, and them knowing each other, well, it kind of made things a bit…I don’t know how to explain it, really. We were friends for ages. But we did sort of…after a while, I mean, there was this one night when we took things a bit further. Actually, quite a lot further.” Lilly’s jaw dropped, but I cut her off before she could get started. “Not that much further. Just when we were starting to get really close, Jase got sent off on deployment. Because the army exists purely to ruin my life.” I tried to make a joke of it, but I started to feel that darkness again, brushing lightly at the corners of my mind, always there: the sadness that touches on everything if you let it. “I haven’t seen Jase in months.”

I’d stuck mostly to the truth – only embroidering just a little around the edges. And it was what they wanted to hear. So where was the harm?

“But you will see him again, right? When he gets back from wherever? I mean, you guys keep in touch?” Rae asked.

“Yeah. Well, kind of. To be honest, getting into a relationship with someone in the forces is a recipe for disaster. Unless you’re in it too, like my parents – although then it gets disastrous for a whole new set of reasons. But yeah, we’re still friends, I suppose. Maybe when he gets back, who knows?”

“Oh my God that’s so sad,” Lilly blurted. “He’s so…I mean, not that you’re not…but he clearly could totally have taken his pick and…um…”

“Lilly!” Rae rolled her eyes, and I jumped in before Rae began another pillow bashing.

“He’s smoking hot and I’m not – it’s OK, you can say it.” She flushed a deep red, clashing horribly with the bedding, and started stammering again, but I held up my hands. “No, honestly, you’re right. He is. And I’m not. Like I said, we were friends for ages to start with. It’s not like he would ever have gone for me on looks alone.” I smiled to let her know it really was OK, and she nervously did the same while Rae guffawed.

“So smooth, Lils,” she said. “God!”

“It’s fine. Hey, c’mon, she’s got a point.” I was actually starting to enjoy the fact that I could be open about it. It wasn’t always that easy. “We got to know each other from the inside out. That’s the only reason it worked.”

“Oh, that’s beautiful,” Lilly crooned, and this time we both chucked pillows at her.

It was good to laugh about it. To acknowledge it, and move past it. And it gave me a fresh boost of confidence, however false the basis for it might have been. It was like saying: Yeah, so I’m not thin, or pretty; but you know what, you should still maybe give me a chance, because if I can hook up with someone like Jase then I must be kind of OK on the inside. I must have something going for me. Right?

And I started to feel genuinely relaxed, verging on comfortable, approaching content, for the first time in weeks. And that was when the door burst open for the third time and the tall, flame-haired porcelain-skinned girl from the photo strode into the room.

Chapter Six

The dorm fell completely silent. The girl crossed straight over to the fourth bed and slipped the photo of herself and the impossibly gorgeous boy out of its frame, before slowly ripping it in two. The rest of us winced in unison.

Scarlett, I presumed, then calmly slotted the half of the photo featuring herself back into its frame and propped it up again, before crumpling the other half in her hand and flicking it across the room, where it landed perfectly in the bin with a gentle rustle.

“There, that’s better,” she said with an Irish lilt to die for. She looked around the room and seemed to notice us for the first time. “Hey, guys,” she sang, softly. “So this must be Abigail.” She flashed me a bright smile. “Welcome to the madhouse.”

Lilly was quick to jump in and tell Scarlett all about me, which was great as it let me off the hook from having to go over everything again. Until she got to the part about Jase – when Scarlett’s face dropped. This time Rae didn’t have to warn her; Lilly backed down, but the damage had already been done.

“Can we not talk about boyfriends just now?” Scarlett asked, with a sigh. “In fact, can we not talk about boys in general?”

“Rough summer?” Rae asked, casting a glance over at the bin.

“You could say that.” Scarlett’s eyes seemed to glaze over for a second.

About Scarlett. She’s… There was Tyler again, about to tell me something, before backing away at the last minute. She’s what?

“It’s good to be back,” Scarlett said. “I’ve missed you lot. But why are you hiding up here still? Strickland’s ordered in a truckload of Domino’s, and since I don’t have to worry about Riley any more, I’m going to head down and comfort-eat myself witless.”

Lilly was up like a shot. A fresh wave of anxiety twisted my stomach. The dorm had slowly cocooned itself around me, already starting to feel familiar, safe. Now I had to leave it and not only meet everyone, but also, apparently, eat in front of them. A double whammy. I sat on the bed while the others got up to go, my fingers finding the bracelet. Rae caught my eye and threw me a curious look, before telling the other two that we’d follow them in a sec. Did she get it? I wondered. Did she know what it felt like?

“You don’t need to stay,” I told her, when the door had closed behind them and the silence had settled. “I’m fine. Just a bit…you know.” I shrugged.

“He always goes mad with the order; there’ll be enough pizza down there to last the week.” She perched down on the bed beside me. “Look, Lilly can be a lot to take in at first, I know, but she’s got a heart of gold and she means well.”

“Yeah, it’s OK, really. I know she didn’t mean it. It just kind of…”

“Threw you a bit?”

I nodded. “Yep. Daft, isn’t it?”

“Not really. Meeting us lot for the first time, I’d probably be thrown too. Scar’s a pretty big personality. She’s been here since Year Seven and she’s a prefect, a mentor and a student counsellor. She knows everyone, I mean, really knows them, you know? Especially the boarders. She’s kind of been there through all our various meltdowns and catastrophes. I don’t think there’s any of us she hasn’t picked up and put back together at some point. The secrets that girl keeps! Seriously. She’s amazing.”

“So I’m not the only one who falls apart then?” I asked with a sad smile.

“God no, we’re all at it. Scarlett’s like our very own Jeremy Kyle, but totally nice about it. She’s like a full-on celebrity around the school. The younger girls all look up to her, and the teachers love her because she’s some kind of genius. She single-handedly ups the school’s results average by roughly three million per cent I think. Plus the boys are all bewitched, obviously. You’ll really like her – everyone does.”

I smiled. “Everyone’s been so nice. It’s not normally like this. Not for me.”

She looked surprised. “Because of the military thing?”

“Kind of. Military, migratory, it all sort of…I don’t know…messes things up in its own special way.”

“Want to talk about it? Or does that just make it worse?”

I smiled. People didn’t usually ask me about it. They usually just sort of formed their own opinions and kept their distance. Rae was different. This whole place, it seemed, was different.

“When your parents are in the army, you get really used to being the new girl. It’s not just that you’re always on the move, that bit people understand, but there’s sort of more to it that they don’t always see. It’s like – you’re always just that little bit different – kind of not quite the right fit.”

“Ha,” she chuckled. “Newsflash – none of us are the right fit. Not really. It’s just that some people are better at pretending. Am I right?”

I nodded. She got it.

“I think it’s because my mind doesn’t stick on all the things it’s supposed to. Boys, and clothes, and all that stuff,” I explained. “My focus tends to be a bit different. And, you know, different’s kind of never good. Social suicide, and all that.”

“Yeah, there’s that. But then,” Rae reasoned, “if people know… I mean, if you give them a chance to see why…”

“See, but that’s the thing though. If I explain that the reason I’m sort of not really the life and soul of the party is because there’s always this thought in the back of my head that maybe one of my parents – both, now, in fact – are getting shot at, it’s sort of an automatic downer. Which tends to just make it worse.”

She thought for a moment before replying. I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation. It was like I was talking to Beth, rather than someone I’d just met.

“So you can’t win.” She nodded. “But, you’re here now, so you won’t have to worry so much, right? No more…migratorying, at least. I reckon everything else will probably just…you know…fall into place.”

“Right.” I grinned. “Maybe. I mean, since I’m all done with the migratorying…”

She laughed. “So, anyway – more importantly – do you like pizza?”

“Is the Pope Catholic?”

She shrugged. “Couldn’t tell you. I never pay any attention in RS. Meat and cheese though, what’s not to love?”

The knot in my stomach began to ease as we made our way down the stairs, and the low-down on Scarlett’s now ‘ex’ that Rae gave me took my mind off other things.

“They’ve been together for years. If it’s really over, she’s going to be seriously cut up. Can you imagine? Total nightmare.”

I nodded. I could – maybe not quite in the way she thought – but I really could.

We headed down the main corridor towards reception, then veered off towards a set of double doors. Rae pulled one open and nodded for me to go through, as laughter spilled warmly out towards us.

“The dinner ladies aren’t back until tomorrow,” she explained, making her way towards the front. “That’s why we always get pizza on the first night back.”

The smell was so familiar, so safe, that it wrapped itself around me like a blanket. My stomach growled, and my brain purred. Rae grabbed a plate and dived in, and I was right behind her. I went straight for the Pepperoni Passion, with a sprinkling of chicken strippers and a garnish of potato wedges. Actually it was more of a mountain of each, and I was just pouring myself a Diet Coke so as to appear slightly less unhealthy, when a familiar voice rang out behind me.

“Thought we had a date, New Girl.”

Tyler. Rae looked around at me, eyes wide.

“Oh, yeah, the grand tour. I forgot. Sorry,” I said, trying to hide my heaped plate behind my back.

“No worries.” He tore off a slice of BBQ chicken pizza, my second favourite, and took a bite. “We’ve still got time.”

“We can show her around, Ty. At ease,” Rae said. I couldn’t quite make out her tone. “Come on, Abby, let’s go find Lilly.” She started off towards the tables, and I made to follow, offering Tyler an apologetic shrug; but his words stopped me in my tracks.

“How is she?”

I turned back to him. “You mean Scarlett?”

“Yeah.”

“I…don’t know. A bit upset, I think?”

Rae’s shout echoed across the room. “Abby! Lilly saved us seats. Come on!”

I gave her a wave, almost spilling potato wedges everywhere in the process, and when I turned back to look at Tyler, he was gone.

“OK,” I murmured under my breath. “Still weird.”

When I went to sit down, Lilly slipped right back into overexcited squeal mode: “Were you just talking to Tyler?”

I nodded, looking down at my plate as everyone’s eyes seemed to swivel my way.

“What is it with you and the hotties? Teach me!”

I could almost hear the ears pricking up all around us, and Lilly came into her own and handled the introductions like a pro. She also filled everyone in on my life history again, so I didn’t have to. I had the feeling she was going to be useful like that. The only downside was that she also told everyone about Jase, despite Rae throwing a chicken strip at her.

“First lesson of dorm life,” she said. “Never tell Lilly anything.”

I forgot everyone’s name pretty much straight away, and worried about whether or not there was mozzarella all over my face, but soon everyone settled back down and concentrated on swapping summer gossip. As interest slowly drifted away from me, I asked Rae about Tyler.

“Do you not like him?”

She scrunched up her nose and shrugged. “He’s all right. Tends to follow Scar around like a bit of a lost puppy though. It gets kind of old.”

“Ah.” So that was why he’d been keen to talk to me. I just happened to be in close proximity to someone he was interested in. ‘How is she?’ presumably was meant as in ‘She’s single now, right? Please confirm.’

“Did they have a thing, or something?”

“He’d like a thing with Scar, obviously. They all would.” She indicated all the boys in the room with a wide sweep of her pizza slice. “But Scar doesn’t date boys from here. And she was pretty serious with Riley for the longest time. I think they were even on about engagement at one point.”

“Wow, that’s pretty…intense…”

“Yeah. Whatever’s happened, she’ll be ripped up inside. She won’t show it though. She’s sort of the school ‘Top Girl’, you know? Kind of has to be all…superhuman and that.”

I didn’t know, not really. If so many people liked you so much, then why wouldn’t you just be honest with them? But I nodded all the same. I didn’t have ‘social skills’ on my CV. What did I know?

“Why’d you ask, anyway?”

“Oh, nothing really, just something he said.”

“Their parents know each other,” Rae went on, around a mouthful of chocolate chip cookie. How had I missed them? “Scar and Tyler were really good friends when they were kids. Went to the same primary, I think. They used to be pretty close, but you know what it’s like when you get older. Everything gets…complicated.”

I nodded. She had that right.

I scanned the room, wondering where the girl herself had got to, and spotted her flaming hair shining over on the far table with a small group of older girls. I watched her out of the corner of my eye for a while; she wasn’t eating, just picking at the food on her plate as she talked. She really was beautiful: porcelain skin, fiery hair, and deep green eyes. Some people had all the luck. She could’ve passed for twenty easily – someone who could’ve been advertising perfume, or designer clothes, or make-up, or any number of other smooth, sexy, desirable things. And there I was, with cheese down my top, someone who’d maybe be handy for advertising the ‘before’ images for diet pills or plastic surgery.

“—earth to Abigail?”

I swivelled my head around, and cringed as I realised I’d been openly staring in Scarlett’s direction. Lilly was trying to talk to me, and as I turned back to her I spotted the clock on the far wall, which reminded me that I needed to call Mum. The thought made me suddenly, achingly homesick, momentarily yanking me out of the strange new world I’d encountered and maybe even begun to enjoy.

I told Lilly that I needed to make a call, and left her to strip the last bones of gossip bare as I headed back through to the common room. It was hot inside, the air greasy with pizza fumes and the unmistakable scent of teenagers massing. I started to feel a bit queasy – and then a lot queasy as pepperoni began to roil on a sea of warm fizzy Coke inside me. I gagged, and bolted down through reception and out into the courtyard, in need of some fresh air and maybe a forgiving tree to throw up behind. I didn’t know the code for the door yet, to let myself back in, so I wedged it open with a handy brick that looked to have been left there for exactly that reason. I scurried over towards the gate, far away from the heat and the smells, and took a few deep breaths of the cool night air.

Once I was pretty sure I wasn’t about to let fly, I turned and rested my back against the gate, looking up at my home for the next fourteen weeks. It already looked more familiar, less imposing than it had a few hours ago. The junk food, Ty’s slightly stalkery weirdness and the chaos of break-ups and sibling rivalries had stripped away the Sunday-night drama veneer of the building to leave the essence of plain old ‘school’ sitting starkly in its place.

I picked out my dorm – looking up to find the window I’d looked through earlier – when the magpie had scared me half to death. The bright pink curtains billowed out of the open window in the breeze. As I watched them dance, I caught a glimpse of a dim figure moving in the shadows inside, before the window hurtled down and slammed shut. The movement and the noise made me flinch, sending ice cubes rattling down into my stomach. I looked nervously around the courtyard, half expecting to see the bird again as the hairs on the back of my neck prickled. The trees rustled quietly, and the courtyard was still.

I pulled my phone from my pocket, before my mind could veer off down any fresh, dark pathways, and made the call.

“Heya, Mum, it’s me.”

I heard the familiar creak of the sofa, and imagined her folding her legs under her, the way she always did.

“Hello, me. How’s it all going? Are you settling in all right?”

“Yeah, fine,” I told her. “Everyone seems dead nice. We had pizza for tea.”

“Pizza? Really?” she huffed. “With all that waffle on their website about the school being committed to ‘creative, healthy nutrition’?”

Wrong thing to say, Doofus! You know what she’s like.

“No, I mean yeah, but it’s all right. There’s no dinner ladies back yet, that’s all. It was nice. It meant we got to chat, kind of mix, you know? You probably can’t do that so well over a…I dunno…bowl of lentil soup or whatever,” I explained.

“Well,” she sniffed, then relented. “That’s great, love, that you’re mixing. But don’t forget how many calories there are in a slice of pizza. Not to mention the fat.”

I’d been on enough diets to know this one. “Two hundred and twenty-seven calories in a slice of Pepperoni Passion. And 11 grams of fat. But you only need to really worry about the five grams of saturated fat, as a rule.”

She sighed down the phone, but I could hear her smile.

Of course, I’d also quit enough diets to know this means bugger all as pizza tastes so good you stop caring after the first slice.

“You know I only worry because I care. I’m so glad you’re settling,” she said. “Didn’t we tell you you’d be fine?”

“Yeah, but you always say that.”

“Well, sometimes we’re right then, aren’t we?”

Silence stretched out for a few seconds, as I childishly refused to concede the point. One out of five wasn’t exactly conclusive.

“Your exams are just around the corner, love. I know it’s difficult, what with your dad and me being sent all over the place, but that’s why we’ve gone with boarding, isn’t it? So you can stay put for once, put down some roots, make some friends you’ll be with for more than six months. We’ve—”

“Yeah, Mum, I know,” I interrupted.

“Well…Good.” She sighed again. “Because it’s not easy for us either, you know.”

The silence stretched out longer this time. I couldn’t say what I was thinking. That if I ever had kids, I wouldn’t join the army. Or that if I was in the army, I wouldn’t have kids. Because it just wasn’t fair on them.

“Abby?”

“Yeah. I’m here. I know. It’s fine.”

“All right then, love,” she said, in her I-don’t-really-believe-you-but-I’m-too-tired-to-argue voice. “Good luck for your first day tomorrow. My plane leaves at five in the morning. I don’t know when we’ll be able to talk next, but I’ll text you as soon as we land. Don’t forget to email your dad. You know he worries too.”

I promised her I would, wished her a safe flight, and fought back the fear that started to crowd in on me the second I ended the call. I wouldn’t see her again until Christmas at the earliest. More likely Easter. Dad’d probably be home long before she was.

I crammed my phone back into my pocket. I should call Beth too, but I’d end up telling her about how I’d lied about Jase, and she’d be mad. I could see the whole sorry conversation we’d have unfolding in my head, and it was too much. I never knew why, but I always told her everything, even when I didn’t want to. I’d text her before bed, to let her know I was OK. She’d understand.

I was heading back across the courtyard when I saw him – just standing there – bold as brass by the open door.

“You again?” I murmured. “You are one freaky bird, Grey, you know that?”

I edged closer to see if he’d fly off, but he held his ground. “You like Grey, right? Way better than Malthus.”

He yawed when I said the second name. I was right – it was rubbish. Sounded too much like Malfoy, and no one likes a Slytherin.

“So what are you, some kind of school pet? Or did you just smell the pizza and fancy your chances?”

I was talking to a bird. Get a grip, Abs.

He cocked his head to the side, eyes dark and shadowed, no hint of the fierce red from before. I took another hesitant step towards him and he launched into the air with a long, loud cry that tore into the hazy quiet of the evening. And I watched as the brick holding the door open started to slip backwards slightly, almost in slow motion, and I knew I should run for it and grab it before it was too late but I couldn’t seem to move. The door gained momentum where I couldn’t, standing rooted to the spot as I watched it slam shut.

What just happened?

I stared at the door, and tried to think.

Grey’s dramatic exit, complete with frenzied flappage, must have caused enough of a draft to shift the brick slightly, and then the weight of the door must have done the rest. Nothing sinister. Nothing weird. Just physics.

Maybe what the boarding house really needed was a big, hungry cat.

When I was finally able to move my feet, I trudged towards the door and hit the buzzer with a sigh. “Sorry, Mr S,” I muttered, as his voice boomed out into the night. “I came out to ring Mum and locked myself out.”

I had to politely endure a friendly but serious lecture on the dangers of wedging communal doors open, which covered everything from fast-moving fires to dangerous paedos and axe-wielding maniacs – Mr S apparently not being one to mince words when the occasion arose. I had to promise not to leave the building after dinner when no one knew where I was, even though I’d been within sight of the front door the whole time and I was fifteen years old for God’s sake, before he let me make my way back up towards the dorm, and my bed. “It’s a big day tomorrow, after all!” he happily reminded me, adding that I’d “Need a good night’s sleep” behind me.

I bit back my prediction that what I’d probably end up with now was one filled with dreams of a flaming, axe-wielding paedo. He meant well, I knew. So I just thanked him, and said goodnight.

Inside

Day Two

‘When did this all start? Can you tell us?’

Not really. It was like saying, ‘When did you start? How did you begin?’

They want a neat, safe little explanation for it all. They want there to be this one point where everything changed. So we can just rewind to there and start over. And there is that one point – it’s staring us all in the face. They just want me to say it.

But I don’t want to talk about it.

I’m not fixable. None of this is.

Everyone’s fixable, they say.

I tell them that she isn’t, is she?

Who? they ask.

I don’t answer them. They already know.

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