He’s back on her doorstep…

And wants her back in his life.

Nurse Vicki has always supported her husband, Cole, even when he enlisted in the army, leaving her behind. But after going through the agonizing loss of their baby alone, she vows to pursue her own dreams. So when Cole returns wanting a second chance, Vicki finds herself waging war with her heart—especially when a disaster means joining forces and remembering just how good they are together…

SUE MACKAY lives with her husband in New Zealand’s beautiful Marlborough Sounds, with the water on her doorstep and the birds and the trees at her back door. It is the perfect setting to indulge her passions of entertaining friends by cooking them sumptuous meals, drinking fabulous wine, going for hill walks or kayaking around the bay—and, of course, writing stories.

Also by Sue MacKay

Falling for Her Fake Fiancé

Her New Year Baby Surprise

Baby Miracle in the ER

Surprise Twins for the Surgeon

ER Doc’s Forever Gift

The Italian Surgeon’s Secret Baby

Redeeming Her Brooding Surgeon

Taking a Chance on the Single Dad

The Nurse’s Twin Surprise

A Fling to Steal Her Heart

Discover more at millsandboon.co.uk.

Reclaiming Her Army Doc Husband

Sue MacKay

www.millsandboon.co.uk

ISBN: 978-0-008-90253-7

RECLAIMING HER ARMY DOC HUSBAND

© 2020 Sue MacKay

Published in Great Britain 2020

by Mills & Boon, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street, London, SE1 9GF

All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. This edition is published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, locations and incidents are purely fictional and bear no relationship to any real life individuals, living or dead, or to any actual places, business establishments, locations, events or incidents. Any resemblance is entirely coincidental.

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www.millsandboon.co.uk

Note to Readers

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Dedicated to my wonderful friend, Vicki Rule,

who has a fantastic shoe collection

and is one of the kindest and strongest women I know.

Contents

Cover

Back Cover Text

About the Author

Booklist

Title Page

Copyright

Note to Readers

Dedication

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

EPILOGUE

Extract

About the Publisher

CHAPTER ONE

‘COLE, IT’S ME. I need to talk to you urgently. Please, sweetheart.’ Vicki Halliday pressed her phone so hard against her ear it hurt. ‘We’ve got a problem.’

She’d miscarried. Their baby was gone. Their dreams and excitement were over. Maybe her dream more than his. He’d seemed a little distant since learning about the pregnancy.

‘Please leave a message after the beep and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible,’ her husband’s strong, don’t-mess-with-me voice intoned. Not the voice she adored, went to bed with to have sweet nothings whispered against her skin. Not the man she hugged and kissed in return because of the deep sexiness that was the love of her life.

She pressed ‘off’ and leaned forward over her knees, her hands clenched around the only link she had with her husband. Damn, how she missed him. Would give anything for him to be here so they could get through the loss of their baby together.

Not that there was anything unusual about his absence. Twelve months ago he hadn’t been around when she’d had to have their spaniel Benji put down after a car had hit the beloved pet that had helped her through the lonely days when Cole was offshore. Neither had he been around two months later when her mother had been having chemo and Vicki had thought she would lose her too.

He had surprised her by turning up for her thirtieth birthday. One night of passion, then he was gone before she’d woken up. Gone without a word of when he’d see her next, without waking her to say he loved her. As always, he’d had to follow orders. Fair enough. He’d gone into the job willingly. But she hadn’t. Now he was in East Timor with his army unit. Not here. Where he was needed the most. Where, for once, he could put his own needs aside and help her through this tragedy—together.

‘Cole, you have to answer your phone pronto.’

In desperation she tapped his number again. Again heard his impersonal message.

The pain and despair combined to fling words out of her mouth with no thought of consequences. ‘Just for once, answer your blasted phone, Cole Halliday. I’ve miscarried our baby,’ Vicki shrieked through a burst of pain. ‘I’ve miscarried,’ she repeated, quieter this time.

The words clogged her throat and she threw the phone onto the couch beside her as she sprawled lengthways in a wasted attempt to ease the ache in her abdomen. And her heart. ‘This can’t be happening,’ Then again, why not? Nothing had gone right in their marriage for a while, so why would believing she’d see their pregnancy through to full term be any different? Except this time the pain was unbearable, and that wasn’t the physical.

I’ve lost our baby.

‘It’s so unfair,’ she cried through clenched jaws.

I think I’ve lost my husband, too.

‘Still no answer?’ Molly rubbed Vicki’s back.

‘Obviously not,’ she vented at her friend, then instantly regretted it. None of this was Molly’s fault. Molly had strapped her baby twins into the car and driven halfway across Sydney to pick her up the moment Vicki had said what was happening.

Also, as much as she wanted to, she couldn’t really blame Cole for the fact she was losing their baby. But he should be here, cuddling her, or rubbing her back when it ached instead of Molly sharing her grief because it would be his, too. No matter how hard her friend tried, it wasn’t the same as having the man she loved with her during this crisis, giving the emotional support he all too often failed on. Because he stood tall, he thought she could too.

Instead she was used to having a loving family at her side through everything, so these past years in Sydney away from them, and with Cole coming and going, had been hard. He didn’t get it. Didn’t understand how much she needed him to listen to her worries and take them on board. Like Molly was doing now. She dragged herself upright. ‘Sorry, ignore me.’

‘It’s okay. I get it.’

‘True.’ If anyone did, Molly did. Years ago her friend’s ex had put her through a horrific miscarriage via a fist to her stomach. For Molly, it had been the final straw in a violent marriage, and she’d left him for good. Eventually, she’d found happiness with Cole’s best friend, Nathan.

‘I only wish you weren’t going through this.’

Vicki gave a sick sigh. Right this moment she struggled to find the strength to see it through without her man. ‘You and me both.’ All the excitement of having a baby, of believing that she and Cole would be a proper family with a child to nurture and love, had gone down the drain, almost literally. Angry tears burned down her cheeks. Her broken heart continued doing its job from under a weight of despair and sadness. She was a mixed bag of emotions, not one of them good. ‘Cole’s not here to see it. To hold my hand. To tell me silly stuff like I’ll be all right. That we’ll try again.’ If he wanted to.

‘Here.’ A box of tissues appeared before her. ‘He’ll feel terrible when he gets your message.’

When he got it. Who knew exactly where he was and for how long? Not her. He never told her when he was going on a mission, or what happened on the forays the unit engaged in. Not that she wanted the details, they’d only give her more graphic nightmares worrying if he was safe.

‘You reckon?’ Vicki couldn’t help the bitterness tainting her question. Was she being unfair? Selfish? Sure she was, but today she didn’t care much. She needed Cole. Right here. Now. Not in another country looking out for people he didn’t know. It was important to him, and some would say she was selfish, that other army wives coped with disasters.

To hell with them. Watching her mother, after her close shave with cancer, begin to understand how much she’d sacrificed for her family, Vicki had started realising she was going down the same track by forfeiting her own needs to keep Cole happy. She liked making others happy, or helping them get well. It was one reason she’d become a nurse. When she and Cole had got married her own dreams had gone on hold, but over the past year she’d begun resurrecting the idea of owning a nursing agency. Maybe she should’ve done it when Cole had first signed up and then perhaps she wouldn’t be so at odds with him now.

She hadn’t known where to start. It didn’t come naturally. Cole didn’t understand how important it was to her to create something for herself, so she’d vacillated between what she had and what she wanted. When she’d become pregnant, the future had become clearer—in a different direction. She would raise her child with all the love she was capable of, while still being there for Cole, at his side, loving him. Putting herself on the backburner. Just like her mother had done with her father, and now regretted.

Watching her mother blossom over the last months as she followed her artistic aspirations had been an eye-opener, and had made Vicki take a long look at herself. It was scary. Following through on her own dreams might mean losing Cole. If that happened, then maybe she’d fallen in love with the wrong man. No. She loved him so much, that wasn’t possible.

Whatever the truth, all the hopes and plans and excitement of a family were now finished. Gone. Poof. No more. Through no fault of her own, or Cole’s. Miscarriages happened—often. She just hadn’t figured she’d be a statistic. Neither had she’d started her pregnancy thinking how it might go wrong. That was unhealthy. Yet she was already grieving for her baby.

Where should she go from here? She could go back to work tomorrow, get on with living like nothing had happened, stiff upper lip and all that. It was a role she had played every time Cole had left her for another army excursion. Taking days off would only add to her loneliness. Her friends would be at work or, like Molly, busy with their little ones. To head home to the family in Cairns where she’d be wrapped in love and comfort would make it even harder to return to Sydney and the empty apartment at the end of her break.

Molly hadn’t finished playing the diplomat. ‘You know Cole will be gutted. He was so excited about the pregnancy, and he loves you to bits.’

‘Then why do I come second to everything?’ The army was like another wife, a more demanding one who had to be obeyed at all cost. Right from the start of their relationship Cole had warned her he was going to sign up after finishing his medical degree. Because she’d been so much in love she’d thought she’d manage as long as he was in her life. Going along with his plans without question made him happy.

Unfortunately, she hadn’t known what living alone while married really entailed. Hadn’t understood the relentless loneliness when he was away for months on end. An isolation that encroached even when he was back in Sydney and they were sharing army digs. Sharing a bed, spending their days and nights together—when he wasn’t working—was what she craved when he wasn’t here and worked at making wonderful when he was.

Yet being a soldier wasn’t like any regular job. Not even a medical registrar’s frantically busy position had taken him away from her so much. Often lately, even when he was home with her, he wasn’t really with her.

Regret for not getting on with the agency years ago hit hard. She’d have been busy, focused, not trying to fill in the empty hours. Deep down, she’d been hoping the baby would change everything, bring Cole home to her permanently so he’d share their lives beside her, not from a distance. And give her strength to revisit her plans. But her baby was gone. Raw agony slammed into her again. There was nothing to smile about.

‘You’re staying here with us tonight, no argument.’ Molly locked her newly learned formidable gaze with hers, which was no doubt pathetically sad at the moment.

‘You didn’t used to be so bossy,’ Vicki muttered through an overwhelming gratitude that she’d met this woman and they’d become firm friends.

‘That’s a yes, then.’

‘Didn’t think I had any choice.’ She had nothing to hide from Molly. ‘Okay, thank you. I don’t want to go back to the apartment and stare at the walls while trying to absorb what’s happened.’ Yes, happened, as in no going back. No changing the outcome. The bleeding had begun sometime before she’d woken that morning and was all but done now, though the occasional painful cramps still underscored what had occurred. As if she needed reminding. The weight on her chest, the emptiness in her heart, the incessant tears—all tells of her loss. Our loss. Just because she hadn’t spoken to Cole didn’t mean his world hadn’t irrevocably changed too.

She straightened up, swung her legs over the side of the couch. She needed to be doing something, not lying around waiting for the next hit from life. ‘I’m going to walk to the end of the lawn and back.’ Stop and stare out over the Tasman Sea from the clifftop, and draw up some strength to move forward.

‘Want me to come with you? I can bring the baby monitor. It works from as far as the fence.’

Vicki shook her head. ‘I’ll be fine. You stay near those two cuties.’ Her lip trembled.

Molly wrapped her in a hug. ‘I’m glad you called me.’

‘So am I. It would’ve been an even longer day if I hadn’t.’

She’d phoned in a panic when she’d realised what was happening and, while it wasn’t essential she go to the emergency department, they’d agreed it was better if she got checked over at the hospital where she and Nathan worked and let him talk her through the medical details—which she knew from a nursing perspective—before Molly brought her back to their house.

She was so grateful for Molly’s company, though it was hard when the babies cried, or needed feeding or changing. That was supposed to have been her future. If Cole had been around she wouldn’t have needed anyone else to hold her, talk when she wanted a distraction, listen to her vent about how unfair life was. He would have understood everything.

Before heading outside, she picked up her phone to tap Cole’s number, knowing he still wouldn’t answer but needing to hear his voice. ‘Cole, sweetheart, answer me.’

‘Please leave a message…’

She banged ‘off’, tossed the phone aside. So much for needing to listen to his voice. The message was not solely for her, it was generic. It wasn’t special, or sexy. She choked, the tears a waterfall soaking into her crumpled tee shirt. ‘Where the hell are you?’ she yelled.

Nathan appeared in the doorway. ‘Vicki? It’s hard, that’s what it is.’ He crossed the room to hug her. ‘Cole will call as soon as he can.’

‘I know that. But it’ll be too late.’ She sniffed, soaked up some of her friend’s warmth and leaned back to look directly at the man she’d known almost as long as she’d known Cole. ‘I need him now.’ Already the emptiness from losing her baby was taking over, more destructive because her husband wasn’t here to share it, to console her, to let her comfort him. They could’ve cried together, held each other, got through the days ahead a little easier. ‘I really do.’

‘You’ll get through this. You’re tougher than you think.’ Nathan squeezed tighter, then released her, a grim expression on his face.

Tough? Yes, she could be. But today she’d run out of tough. She wanted to be selfish for a while. Curling up in bed, pulling the covers over her head, and ignoring the world going on around her was a priority right now. Which was why she’d go outside for a few minutes. Acting tough? Sniff. I suppose. But, no, she really had had enough.

The phone rang. She stared at it. Was it Cole? No, it wouldn’t be. Hope rose, fell, rose higher, like a wave in a storm. Reaching for the instrument, she picked it up, stared at the screen. Her heart soared. Cole. Pressing the button, she banged the phone against her ear. ‘Hey, I’m sorry. So, so sorry.’ Like it was her fault. Who knew? Maybe it was.

‘Sweetheart, is it true?’

‘Why wouldn’t it be?’ As if she’d make up something like that.

‘I didn’t want to believe your message. Are you all right? I hope you’re not alone.’

Her eyes widened. Cole wasn’t exactly spilling his heart with support and love. Was she all right? ‘No, I’m not all right,’ she snapped through her tears. ‘I’m with Molly and Nathan, at their place,’ she added.

‘That’s good. They’ll take care of you.’ He really was a barrel of comforting words.

‘They can’t replace you. It’s your arms I long for. It’s you I need to hug and cry with, not our friends.’ Didn’t he get it? They were a couple. They shared everything.

‘Unfortunately, there’s not a thing I can do about it. The CO won’t let me go at the moment. There’s a mission starting tomorrow we’ve been preparing for that requires everyone on board,’ he explained. ‘It will take all our resources to pull it off.’

‘Cole, I’ve miscarried. I don’t care about your mission.’ Had they drifted so far apart that they couldn’t connect over this? She didn’t want to believe that. She loved Cole more than anyone, anything. Yet nothing about their relationship felt safe any more. It was as though she lived in a dark box and only came out when he was back in Sydney, when it suited the army to let him have time off. He’d chosen to sign up, never really explaining why, always fobbing her off when she asked, which irked, but as usual she’d let it go rather than start an argument.

‘Hang in there, sweetheart. I am getting out at the end of my contract.’

That’s for ever.

She swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth. She’d have to find it within her to see out the days and weeks. ‘Are you certain?’ Because if he changed his mind she’d never cope. ‘You don’t always tell me everything.’ There were things he never discussed, especially about his youth. Sometimes, when it got too much for him, he’d spill his anguish over some of the tragedies he’d seen with the army. She’d listen, try to console him, and he’d pull himself together. Once he’d told her she was the strongest woman he knew for taking him on. Maybe it had been Cole’s love for her speaking, because she hadn’t been that tough, though over the past year she’d tried to improve. Or so she’d thought. Today she was floundering.

‘I’m telling you I’m leaving the army. I will not have a second crack at it. I’ve done what I set out to do. I want to be with you, Vicki. More than occasionally.’

Her heart swelled with love. That was what she’d waited to hear for so long.

‘We just have to get through the next year.’

Her relief deflated like a pricked balloon at that reminder. It seemed so long. Time interspersed with occasional visits when they’d make love and laugh. Not a lot of talking happened, and then she’d go back to that box. ‘Then what will you do?’

‘It’s too soon to decide.’

Once again he wasn’t telling her anything. He must have been considering his next move. Cole didn’t make major changes without thinking everything through thoroughly. Fresh pain engulfed her. Where was his love? Not in his voice or words. All hope of him comforting her was deflated; left her cold and drained.

Her mouth dried as she whispered, ‘Cole, I don’t think I can do this any more. I married to be with you, not the wife in the background, available whenever you have a few hours or days to spare. To me, marriage is about having you around whenever my world flips upside down. To be there for you when yours goes haywire. To share everything.’

Oh, hell, what did she mean? Was she walking away from him? For good? Was that what she wanted? No, it wasn’t. She loved him. But she couldn’t continue with the way things were. It was only for another year, but then what? More Cole ideas she was supposed to fit in with? Her patience had gone from thin to non-existent. But? But could she leave Cole? Tough, remember? Lonely, remember? Alone, not lonely. Yeah. Lonely and alone.

‘Vicki, don’t say that.’ Panic flared in his voice. ‘Please, don’t, sweetheart. I know you’re going through hell right now, but I’m here for you. You know that.’

‘No, you’re not. You haven’t been here anytime I’ve needed you.’

Stop it, Vicki.

This was a conversation for when they were together, not over a phone. Therein lay the problem. When would they be together again? ‘The miscarriage is the last straw. I cannot live always waiting for you to show up. I need fixed plans to work towards, and to follow some of my dreams as well.’

‘Wait, Vicki. We’ll talk. I have to finish this duty. I don’t know when I’ll return to Sydney to see out my time but it will happen.’

‘We’ll talk? Over the phone? That’s great when it’s something as important as our future, as us. As losing our baby.’ Tears flooded down her cheeks. ‘I can’t sit back and wait for you to come home for a face-to-face discussion. I need to see you now.’

‘Sweetheart, you know that can’t happen. It’s impossible.’

‘Exactly.’ Life as she knew it was over. What she had to find out was how to make it unfold in the future. But not today. Today was raw enough without adding to the agony.

Cole winced as the line went dead. Vicki had hung up on him. After saying she doubted she could carry on with their marriage. Without talking about the miscarriage. A dull throbbing started behind his ribs. Vicki was the love of his life, his first reason for waking up every morning. She could not leave him. She didn’t mean it. She was broken-hearted about their baby. That’s what this was about. She was trying to cope in any way possible.

The pain in her voice had been like nothing he’d heard before, not even when her mother had been so ill no one had believed she’d pull through. Vicki’s pain had got deeper and stronger as she’d talked, adding to his guilt, creating a sense of failure for not being there with her. She needed him. More than anyone. And there was nothing he could do about it. His own pain scudded across his lips in a sigh. Once again he’d hurt one of the most important people in his life.

We’ve lost our baby.

Sharp agony squeezed hard, taking away his ability to breathe. Why was he here, and not with Vicki?

He had chosen this life to meet a promise he had made to his mother when he was seventeen. Along with two close mates and his girlfriend, he’d been accused of the theft of thousands of dollars from a local charity after a fundraising event. Not even his parents had believed him when he’d said he knew nothing about the robbery. All he did remember was the four of them going to the local park late that night where he’d had two beers while cuddling with his girlfriend. The next thing he recalled was waking up alone in his car outside his family’s home.

Many months later, one of his mates had confessed that the girlfriend had put a date drug in Cole’s beer to make him sleep, then had taken his car keys and driven herself and the other two guys to the charity building to steal the money.

The shame of not being aware of what had gone on around him that night and how easily he’d been used hadn’t left him. Only his granddad had stood by him, saying what had happened had changed his life for ever, but he mustn’t let it ruin his future. He had loved him for that more than anything. His mother had lost most of her friends and become stressed and anxious. His father, a criminal lawyer, had hidden behind his work, putting in ever-increasing hours and staying away from home. Even when they’d finally admitted they’d been wrong, his family had never returned to being their easy, loving selves. They’d let him down.

As I have Vicki.

His gut clenched.

We’ve lost our baby. I’m not there for Vicki.

But he had to be here. It was the promise he’d made to his mother before he’d been exonerated and she’d lain dying in ICU after a massive heart attack. Desperate for her to live, he’d have promised the moon if it would’ve helped. Instead he’d said he’d make her proud by joining the army after he’d become a doctor, which had always been his aspiration. Granddad had been a highly decorated soldier, and Cole had also wanted to show him he was worthy of his belief in his grandson.

That night his mother had passed away, never to see him fulfil his promise, leaving him with a load of remorse nothing would shake. Had the stress from what had happened caused her death? The guilt and shame had stuck to him like glue.

And now this. The baby was gone. Unbelievable. Even to his doctor’s brain it didn’t make sense. It was so unfair. Cole couldn’t find any words to describe his feelings at this moment. In trying to do right by his mother and granddad, he’d let his wife down so much. If only he had a red cape and could fly to her side, hug her, kiss her, promise they’d make it through this latest tragedy—together.

His life had become compartmentalised after he’d been exonerated. Adelaide—the good, bad and downright ugly. Sydney—adulthood, medicine, new friends. Vicki. The army—meeting his promise. Vicki. His love. He groaned. Vicki. What he wouldn’t give to be with her. Right from the beginning of their relationship it had been good having someone believe in him, love him, without having to expose the frankly awful time of his past. Though deep, deep down lay a seed of doubt about that decision not to tell her. But he hadn’t wanted to bring the past into the future with her.

Nathan was the only person he’d told the whole truth to when he’d demanded to know why they couldn’t go to Adelaide for a break and get together with Cole’s friends from school days. Because Nathan held nothing back from him, he’d finally explained. It had been a test of their friendship, one that had never faltered.

Yet he still hadn’t found the courage to tell Vicki. She was a fresh start he hadn’t wanted to taint with the past. She was the precious jewel in his life. He loved her so much sometimes it was almost too much, made him fear he couldn’t get enough of her. Yet here he was in East Timor while she was back in Sydney, needing him desperately.

She’s thinking about leaving you.

She couldn’t. He’d talk to her as soon as he returned to base. She was hurting. Big time. He understood. But leave him? No. She didn’t mean it. She needed time to come to terms with the miscarriage.

Which is why I should be with her, not here.

There wasn’t anything he could do about it. Except go AWOL, and the consequences of that would be worse. So he’d phone every day. It wouldn’t be enough, but it was all he could offer. It would help him to get through this ragged pain caused by the miscarriage. He’d signed up for the army without a backward glance, ignoring the sadness in her eyes, only saying it was a promise he owed. Whenever he’d been home and she’d hinted that it was getting lonely living in their apartment in the middle of such a large city, he’d worked hard to put a smile back on her face and made love to her so she knew he was on her side. And every time he’d gone away again, following orders, using them as an excuse for the life he was living. He’d been utterly selfish.

As he and the men headed back to barracks from their last training exercise before tomorrow’s job, he stared out at the passing scenery of never-ending dirt and dust and crowds of people trying to get by in this area, trying to absorb everything Vicki had said, failing to ignore the ache under his ribs. The miscarriage. Her pain. The life he’d chosen to follow that kept him away from her. The army was like nothing he’d ever known. With the way everyone had to fall into step, dress the same, eat the same, be prepared for anything horrific any time, he didn’t enjoy the life, but once he’d fulfilled his promise he’d be able to get on with the next phase of his life without looking back.

The marriage vows he’d made to Vicki needed acknowledgement. To love and cherish and be there always, through the wonderful and the awful.

Vicki, I am so bloody sorry. We’ve lost our baby and you need me. I need you.

He’d signed up for that, too. Vicki was his future, the army the final nail in his past.

His stomach tightened into a painful ball. Their baby was gone. It had been amazing to learn he was going to be a dad. He’d been stoked, couldn’t wait for it to be born. He’d already imagined playing football, going fishing, having family picnics at the beach with his son or daughter. Family was what it was all about. A loving, caring, believing family. And Vicki, the most amazing woman to have kids with. Now it wasn’t happening.

‘You okay, Captain?’ The driver of their truck had turned to look at him as they drove along the main road out of a village.

No. I’ve never felt worse.

‘All good,’ he lied through gritted teeth. Something large and dark hurtled across the road directly at them. A laden ute. ‘Look out, soldier,’ he snapped.

The driver swore as he wrenched their lumbering vehicle to the right. His reaction might’ve been fast but the other vehicle was faster.

Cole’s butt left the seat, his head punched through the windscreen. Fear tightened his belly. Not now. Not when he needed to be at home. His body was airborne. Air stalled in his lungs. Landing was going to hurt. Or worse, he thought. His fingers gripped his phone as though his life depended on it.

Vicki! I love you. Wait for me.

CHAPTER TWO

‘JACK, BEHAVE. Water will soak that moonboot if you don’t hurry up and get in the car,’ Vicki growled at the man she was trying to help into the passenger seat while he fiddled with the window button, opening and closing the window.

The umbrella she held over them both wasn’t working. Water had found its way through the back of her shirt. At this rate, by the time she returned inside the medical centre she’d be soaked.

‘You’re worse than most toddlers I’ve worked with.’

‘I was one once,’ the middle-aged man grunted, and finally sank onto the seat and lifted his damaged leg inside. ‘Quite the nuisance, I’ve been told.’

‘You don’t have to sound proud of it. You’re not doing yourself any favours thinking you’re one of the world’s heroes who has to be out amongst it all the time.’ Vicki dredged up a smile for the fireman who was temporarily off work thanks to having rolled a quad bike down a slope on his rural property a couple of weeks previously. ‘You’ve got to take things easy.’

‘Boring,’ Jack mock-yawned.

‘You think?’ She shook her head in admonishment at her brother’s friend, before nodding to his wife. ‘Try and keep him out of mischief until those ribs and fractured thigh have had time to knit.’

‘Give me something easy to do.’ Barbara laughed. ‘The moment I turn my back he’ll be heading for his shed and the other quad bike.’

‘I figured.’ She shrugged. ‘Men, eh?’ Hell, she missed hers so much she hardly slept at night after following through on her decision to walk away from her marriage. It hadn’t been easy. When she hadn’t heard from Cole for more than a week after the miscarriage she’d closed in on herself and tried to deal with the agony of losing their baby alone.

Quitting her job at the hospital, unable to stand the sympathy in everyone’s eyes whenever she turned up at work, she’d packed up the apartment and headed north to Cairns and her family, to be surrounded in their care. And the tears kept on coming. She’d never known it was possible to bawl her eyes out so much. There shouldn’t be that much fluid in a person’s body. Still the agony hadn’t abated. Not for her baby or her marriage.

Nothing filled the void that had once been her excitement over being pregnant. Or the empty air between her and Cole. When he’d finally begun phoning, their conversations had been stilted, and the silences, longer every time, had become full of all the things neither seemed able to voice. Eventually, she’d told him they were over and had gone to stay with her sister in London while she made decisions about the future. As if she could decide with all the distressing emotions tugging at her heart.

Cole had gone quiet again. As in not a word by phone or email. The hurt grew. It was so typical of him not to talk about the important stuff. It was the main reason she’d left him. There’d be no more waiting around, ready to put everything on hold whenever he came home, and then go back to a kind of single life when he left again. That was over. Even when he got out of the army she’d still be that wife, trying to keep him happy all the time and putting herself on hold for the foreseeable future. Like her mum had done, first for her dad and then for her and her siblings.

Warmth stole through Vicki as she remembered presenting Mum with an easel and painting equipment. Mum’s shock, the delight followed by excitement had said it all.

‘You wouldn’t want a wuss for a husband.’ Jack grinned at Barbara around a groan as he settled further onto the seat.

Vicki shivered. She hadn’t had one either. Cole was a tough guy who never showed pain or hurt. Too much so. If only he could’ve relented a little and stopped being so strong, they might not be about to spend the weekend together, finalising the dissolution of their marriage. His attitude was a mask he didn’t drop even for her. Which wasn’t right.

There weren’t supposed to be any secrets between them, yet more and more she’d started seeing there were. He’d never explained why he’d needed to sign up for the military, just muttered something about keeping a promise. She’d asked for more information—often—and been fobbed off every time.

But were they really over? It felt like it. It had done for months, if not longer, when she thought about how she hadn’t recognised the loneliness and need to fill her time with anything for what it really was.

The recent months spent mostly travelling while trying to side-track herself from the mess that had become her life hadn’t been easy but at least now she was working to find her feet again, beginning with making the goal of her own nursing agency a reality. The idea held the promise of something exciting, something to hold onto and gain strength from her efforts.

Her fingers clenched the umbrella. First there was the weekend to get through. Time with Cole. How would she cope? Seeing him, breathing in his smell, being stuck in the house together—the thought had her heart racing already. As long as they didn’t get angry at each other or upset one another too much. Tears were already threatening, and he wasn’t due yet.

‘See you on Monday when I bring Jack back to have his dressings changed.’ Barbara revved the engine, then stuck her head out the window. ‘If you feel like a coffee any time, just drop in.’

‘Thanks. I might do that when I’ve run out of ways to annoy Damon.’ Her older brother was a fireman at the same station as Jack, and everyone there had been super-friendly since she’d arrived back in Cairns from London three weeks ago.

Her other brother, Phil, was a local cop, and he too seemed intent on keeping an eye on her by including her in every social event he went to—usually for a pint at the pub. She loved them both, but they could be a little suffocating.

With Cole coming, their protective instincts were on high alert. In the past she’d relished their support, but now she needed to do this without them interfering. Her spine was getting straighter, tougher.

Ducking under the overhang at the medical centre entrance, she saw a taxi pull up over the road. She had two patients to go before she packed it in for the weekend and headed to the airport to wait for Cole. Scratching her palms, she swallowed hard. Air slowly seeped from her lungs. Nothing about the weekend was going to be easy.

It wouldn’t take forty-eight hours to come to an arrangement about whether to sell the Sydney apartment or get Cole to buy her out. That was the sum of their marriage now. Her stomach had been a tight ball all day, and she hadn’t eaten a thing, replacing food with endless mugs of coffee, and now was so jittery her teeth clacked.

Closing the umbrella, she shook the water off before dropping it into the tall pot standing in the corner. Despite the incessant monsoon rain the air was still warm and humid. There was nothing like Queensland temperatures to make her feel right at home again. Except she wasn’t. These past weeks she’d been unsettled about whether to stay here permanently or return to Sydney and her friends down there. She presumed Cole would live there once he returned to civilian life, which held her back on that choice.

If—when—they divorced she’d want to live somewhere without all the memories. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, she’d admit she wanted to be near him. But that wasn’t being strong. And strong was what she had to be, otherwise why go through this agony of finishing her marriage to the man she’d given her heart to?

Cole was out of the army early. He hadn’t said why. Typical. Her heart thumped hard. Despite everything she’d said in the brief phone conversations in the past months, he still hadn’t recognised how much she needed to share his life, to understand his thinking; not to be standing on the sidelines, waiting for him to give her some attention.

Footsteps on the path.

Her skin prickled. No, it was too early. Cole’s flight from Sydney wasn’t due for three hours. The goosebumps tightened, the hairs on the back of her neck lifted. She wasn’t ready to confront him, needed more time to get her game face on. Although, she had to admit it, she’d never be ready. But—but this weekend wasn’t going to go away without her spending time with Cole. Only one person turned her into a blithering wreck just by being near him. He was here.

Another wet step. ‘Hello, Vicki.’ Two words, soft, endearing, and full of memories that threatened to make those tears spill. Blink, blink. She loved that voice, heard it in her sleep, held it to her whenever she needed her man. Every day and night. Thump-thump, banged her heart.

Be strong.

Which was easier said than done.

‘Cole.’ That taxi must’ve dropped him off. ‘Hello,’ she muttered through suddenly dry lips.

The rate of her heart lifted. The ends of her fingers tingled. Cole. The man she adored. The man she had to hold out on for a more secure future. The man she’d once done anything to make happy, and now couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Her breathing went out of whack.

‘Vicki.’ He paused, waited, finally asked, ‘How are you?’

He had to ask? The brave face slipped on. She didn’t bother forcing a smile. Straightening her back, she slowly pivoted around on her heels to stare at her handsome husband. Except—The ground moved beneath her feet. Putting her hands out for balance, she struggled to stay upright. ‘Cole?’ She gasped. This was all wrong. ‘What’s happened? Are you all right?’ Stupid question. He looked terrible. Worse than terrible. ‘Obviously not.’ Her instinct was to rush to him, wind her arms around that body she knew so well—not like this, she didn’t—and never let go. To take away his pain, make him better.

We’re over, remember?

She drew in air, clamped down on her emotions, clenched her hands at her sides, and remained fixed to the spot. Not that her feet could’ve lifted off the porch. They were as heavy as rocks. Studying him, her heart pounded harder, the tingling in her fingers tightened. He was far too thin. There were lines on his face that hadn’t been there before. When he stepped closer his left leg dragged. There was fierce concentration on that lined, grey face, as though he was determined she wouldn’t see how much it hurt to move. But there was no hiding the pain reflected in his eyes. ‘Cole?’ she whispered through pain of a different kind. ‘Please tell me you’re all right.’ Please, please.

‘Vicki. I’m all right.’ Two more steps and he stood before her, looking stunned. Lifting his arms as though he was going to hug her, he hesitated, dropped his hands to his sides. ‘Hello, sweet—’ He stopped, staring at her, swallowing non-stop. ‘Damn,’ he muttered.

Vicki jerked backwards, away from his tempting body. Tension sparked between them like forked lightning. Anxiety blindsided her. She couldn’t do this. He’d nearly called her sweetheart. As normal, as though nothing was wrong.

I love him. Totally. Nothing has changed.

Her heart was coming out of her chest, her head spinning out of control.

I love him as much as ever.

Forget all the doubts since the miscarriage. Forget her own needs. Cole meant everything to her. Memories of him holding her, his hands strong, and warm, and, well, right. They fitted her. Slowly, she raised her head to gaze into his dark blue eyes.

I love you.

Had she said that out loud? He hadn’t reacted, so hopefully she hadn’t. The moment for telling him would never come if they didn’t reach some understanding. They had to. He meant everything to her, was her life, the future.

Fight for what you want.

This weekend was about finishing their relationship, or possibly getting back together with different ideas of how to go ahead.

She froze, one muscle at a time. Gritted her teeth to keep words back. Words like, ‘Hello, darling, I’ve missed you so much’. She wasn’t going to be that woman again. Had no intention of returning to being the woman who was more concerned about keeping Cole happy before all else. She would eventually shrivel inside, turn bitter, or unhappy and sad as her mother had become before she’d woken up to what she needed to do. It was time to fight for herself, not give in to this gripping love.

Remaining still, she denied the warmth and longing warring in her veins. Fought the desire to touch Cole, to lean in against that altered yet familiar body. To let him hug her tight and close. To hug him back like there was no tomorrow. But there was. Give in now and she might as well walk down the drive and go back to Sydney with him tonight, no conversations, no plans or changes made. Forget her hopes for the future.

‘You’re early.’

Lame, Vicki. But she was fighting for survival. Anything went.

‘I didn’t want this weather bomb to prevent me making it to Cairns so I changed my flight.’ His gaze bored into her with a hunger she hadn’t expected since their infrequent phone discussions had been so awkward.

It was good to see his reaction; despite everything, it warmed her throughout. It had to mean there was hope. What was she hoping for? A lightning bolt moment where Cole understood what she needed? After all these years?

‘I could not miss seeing you for anything,’ he added.

Now Cole stood before her, she realised she’d been holding her breath for days in case he changed his mind about coming. Not that he would’ve. That wasn’t his way. But, still, their relationship was unrecognisable. They had to do this, sort out everything before they could move on separately. Not together. He’d wouldn’t have changed that much. Nausea rose.

Give in, carry on being the pleaser you’re so good at being. Kiss him, hug him. Buy a ticket on the next flight to Sydney. Make him happy.

No. She mustn’t. Because eventually something would happen to drive a wedge between them again, or she’d sink into an abyss where she’d given up on herself. But she still loved Cole. There was no denying that. Which only made everything so much harder. ‘I’ve still got nearly an hour before finishing up here.’

He nodded curtly, wincing as he shrugged his shoulder where a small pack hung against his back. Like it hurt having any weight pulling at him.

What had happened? ‘Cole?’ His name slipped across her lips before she could stop it. ‘What—?’

He cut her off. ‘Not now. I’ll wait down the road at the pub.’

Nothing had changed. ‘No. Tell me now.’

He shook his head as though clearing something away. Those piercing eyes she knew so well were filled with a pain she’d never seen before. They locked onto her, sending shivers of excitement right down to her damp toes. Damn him. ‘Vicki, seeing you is the best thing to happen for a long time.’

As she made to stop him saying anything more that might undermine her determination to keep him at a distance she once more had to fight the urge to throw herself at him and hang on tight. As usual he’d deliberately diverted her from her question. Nothing new there.

Cole held up his hand. ‘Hear me out.’ Then he couldn’t continue. Vicki, his beautiful wife, stood there, the battle going on in her head showing through her eyes and on her face. All he could think was, I love you. Nothing else mattered. He loved Vicki. He always had and always would.

Something like relief floored him. His love hadn’t changed, was as deep, as strong, as ever. Not that there’d been any doubts, but knowing helped, shoved away some of the dread that getting together might make matters worse, not better. Over the days leading up to this moment he’d despaired that they mightn’t talk, wouldn’t resolve anything.

So tell her how you feel.

He opened his mouth. Closed it. Last time he’d said it over the phone she’d gone quiet, then said she had to go and hung up.

He found his voice. ‘We have a lot to sort out, and none of it’s going to be easy, but I’ve missed you badly. More than ever. Seeing you tips me sideways.’ And upside down, all around. He was not giving up without a fight. A hard one. With everything he had.

He’d started and was close to getting a job that involved staying in one place for the foreseeable future, which meant they could buy a house and settle down in Sydney. Try again for a baby. First he owed Vicki an apology. He’d given it more than once over the phone but face to face would go a lot further. She’d see his how genuine he was, not hear it over a bad phone connection.

‘Cole, you’re not making this any easier.’

She was definitely holding back, whereas he’d blurted out how he felt. He didn’t do blurting. His gut churned. She hadn’t reacted positively to being told he’d missed her. Were they really at an impasse? Please, not that. He hadn’t said the three most important words. Should he? Would that break the barriers Vicki was clinging onto? Or would it put her on alert, make her warier than she already was? Because she was fighting to remain cautious. It showed in her rapid blinking, in the way the tip of her tongue poked over her lip.

He had to slow down. ‘We’ve waited months to talk properly. We can wait a little longer. I’d rather be some place with just you, not out front of a medical practice. It feels rather surreal.’

‘You can start by telling me why you’re limping.’

This persistence was new, putting him on alert. He was in for a verbal hiding. And not as prepared as he needed to be. ‘All in good time,’ he said too forcefully, and suffered an unhappy glare coming straight back at him.

So they’d talk about whatever Cole chose, when he chose. ‘How normal,’ she muttered under her breath. From the moment she had sensed his presence she’d been struggling to stay grounded. Her head pounded in time with her heart. Parts of her body alternated between hot and chilled. This was the man she’d sworn to love for ever. It would be too easy to tell him nothing had changed, and then slip her hand in his and ask him to take her away, to forgive her for standing up for herself. But do that and she gave up everything. She’d go back to fitting in with his choices, ignoring her own. So… Deep breath.

‘You’re right. We will talk later. About everything.’ Turning away, she tried to deny the ache in his eyes, worked hard at pretending this would all work out fine. Because it wouldn’t. Cole loved her. She’d never doubted that. The problem was that it was on his terms, which he didn’t recognise, and so she had to fight for her own.

That moment the rain became a torrent, pouring out of the sky as though a massive bucket had been tipped over the medical centre.

Turning back, she tried not to stare at Cole with hunger, or study the adorable face that followed her to sleep every night; tried to deny the heat unfurling in her belly. ‘You’d better come inside while I finish up. You’ll drown trying to reach the pub.’ Cole was right before her, and she couldn’t leap into his arms for fear of never stepping out of them again. She’d missed him so much it hurt with every breath. Somehow she was managing to hold back, fighting against herself for herself. ‘Come in.’

‘Thanks.’ He stepped up behind her, putting all her senses on alert, making her skin tingle with a familiar need.

Pushing open the door, she quickly stepped inside and surprised herself by smiling. This was a temporary job; filling in for a nurse on her final month of maternity leave. She was in familiar territory, with family and friends to call on when everything got on top of her. Since starting to look into start-up plans, the reality of owning and managing an agency hit hard at unguarded moments. This being strong didn’t come naturally. Doubts crept in. Was it worth giving up her marriage to own a business? She’d lost count of how many times she’d told herself that wasn’t what this was all about, that she was looking out for herself. And Cole, if he accepted what she was doing. Because if she was happier then surely he would be too.

One of the practice doctors approached.

‘Vicki, I’ve been listening in on the emergency frequency. There’s flooding north of the city, nothing major at the moment, but who knows what’ll happen if this rain continues to get heavier over the coming hours, as it’s forecast to do.’ Joe paused and glanced behind her.

She turned to make the introductions. ‘This is my…’ Stop. Start again. ‘Cole Halliday—Joe Burrows.’

Grief flared in Cole’s eyes, blinked away as he reached to shake hands with her current boss. ‘Pleased to meet you. I got here just in time. They were talking about closing the airport when my flight landed.’

Joe nodded. ‘I’m not surprised. The reports are getting worse by the hour.’ He looked to her. ‘You’d better get home while you can, otherwise you might find yourselves holed up somewhere in town.’

At least then they wouldn’t be stuck in the house, just the two of them, trying to be friendly while working through the problems they faced. Though hotel rooms weren’t known for their spaciousness. Better the house. More rooms.

‘I’ve still got two patients to come.’ It wouldn’t be fair to leave someone else to cover for her when everyone was anxious to go home as soon as they could.

‘I’ll see to them. If they turn up. The cancellations have escalated since lunch time.’

She couldn’t find it in her to argue. ‘Right, thanks. It’ll be a slow trip as it is. Jack said more people than usual were heading out of town when he and Barbara came in. The schools closed at midday.’ She couldn’t put off spending time alone with Cole any longer. Did she really want to? In all honesty, no. The time had arrived to talk and make some decisions. ‘I’ll grab my gear.’

‘Take one of the emergency kits in case you’re needed to help someone at Palm Beach,’ Joe said, before turning to Cole. ‘You’re a doctor, aren’t you?’

‘Yes, I am, so no issues with administering drugs if required should we get called to an emergency.’

‘Great. If there’s an accident it might be a problem for emergency services to reach the scene in this weather.’

‘There were a lot of frustrated drivers doing some damned silly things on the road in from the airport so anything’s likely.’

Vicki interrupted the men. They were getting comfortable with each other. She didn’t want that. This was her territory and Cole getting cosy only made it harder to keep him at arm’s length. ‘No need to take a kit from here. Dad’s got a full drugs cabinet and the storeroom was topped up with everything you could think of before he and Mum left on their road trip.’ These days her dad ran a small clinic at home when he wasn’t tripping around in the campervan with Mum so she could take numerous photos for the paintings she hoped would re-establish herself as an artist. Right now they were in Western Australia. ‘Keep yours here in case it’s needed elsewhere.’

She rushed to the staffroom for her bag, said goodbye to the women in the office, and called to Cole. ‘This way. Thanks for this, Joe.’ Despite the tension in her stomach knotting tighter and tighter with each passing minute, she was grateful to him. To be stuck in town wouldn’t be comfortable.

They dashed to her car, leapt in and slammed the doors, clothes soaked through in those few seconds. ‘At least it’s not cold,’ she muttered. Inside and outside her pulsing body.

‘How did you cope with the northern winter? I’ve seen pictures of England and Europe in blizzards and snowstorms. It’s not exactly enticing to a Queenslander.’ Cole adjusted the seat to give his long legs as much space as possible and clipped his seat belt in place.

If she hadn’t been watching she’d have missed the tightening of his mouth as he shifted his left leg. What had happened? she asked herself again. Something terrible, by the way he looked and moved. Something more than a simple accident.

He hadn’t mentioned anything during any of their infrequent phone conversations either. Anger started to boil at being left out of the loop—and his refusal to talk when she’d asked. She swallowed hard, forced it down. She’d demand answers when they were at home and she could watch his face. Right now she had to focus on getting home, and keeping the disturbing subjects on hold. ‘You know me and any temperature below twenty degrees. Julie took me shopping for thick jackets and thermal tops the day I arrived in London.’

‘How’s Julie? Still enjoying living over there?’ Cole and her sister had always got along, though now Julie was backing her determination to work out what she truly wanted with her future.

And her mother was setting a great example of being true to herself, even if it was thirty-five years late, by painting as though there were years of pictures stored in her mind waiting to be put on canvas. She was so happy and healthy. Dad was a different man too now that he understood there was more to gain than lose by supporting his wife in her endeavours. What were the chances of Cole doing the same if she explained again, more thoroughly? This time with more emphasis on how she’d still always be there for and with him.

‘Julie loves London. If the company can arrange her a permanent work visa she intends staying on and buying an apartment. She’s met a guy who might be the one.’ She was head over heels and had still taken a month off work to go away with Vicki to Europe, leaving her boyfriend behind. Setting an example of how a relationship should not be about one person keeping the other happy all the time. That was her sister.

Their brothers had always kept an eye on them both, too, even more so on Vicki lately. They meant well, but nowadays she preferred making her own decisions, right or wrong. It gave her a sense of self-worth. In a way their loving stifled her, and could explain why she’d fallen in line with Cole right from the beginning. They all meant well. It didn’t mean they were right.

‘What did you think of the countries you visited in Europe? Would you go back again? In the summer?’

‘Maybe one day.’ She far preferred melting in Queensland’s humidity and heat any day. ‘I’d like to return to France and Italy. Four weeks was nowhere near long enough. We barely got started. During my month in London I took short trips all over the north of England and Wales when Julie was at work, and at the weekends she showed me around London and the South.’

‘You never once mentioned wanting to go over there.’ Was that annoyance in his voice?

Too bad. When she’d needed to get away from Sydney it had been an instinctive reaction to head home but for the first time it hadn’t felt right. Everyone had wanted to tell her what to do. Julie said she had to make her own choices, and supported her without overwhelming her. ‘I really went to spend time with Julie. I’d have gone wherever she was.’

‘Within reason, I hope.’

‘No war zones, for sure.’ Leaning over the steering wheel, she peered through the river running down her windscreen where the wipers were on full speed and not achieving a lot. ‘This is crazy.’ So was the way longing for Cole kept catching at her. It was diverting her from what this weekend was about.

‘At least there’s not much traffic about any more.’

He was right. ‘Most of the shops are closed.’

‘Is there anything we need to get?’

‘No. I did the groceries last night.’ Got in extra beer and wine in case the going got too awkward. ‘You’re on cooking the steak.’ He was a dab hand at getting the sirloin perfectly medium rare.

‘I figured.’ Though still guarded, his voice had lightened.

Getting closer to old times. She didn’t want that. It was a slippery path. Her head thudded. Tears threatened.

Don’t cry.

Then she’d need wipers on her eyeballs. She needed to get angry, not sad. No. Neither option was wise. Anger led to lack of control and that was one thing she couldn’t afford to lose over the coming days. If only she could give in and pull over to the kerbside and wrap her arms around Cole and kiss him, long and deep, and filled with the love she had to deny. If only. A kiss might fix everything. Or nothing. But giving it a go would ease the tightness brought on by not throwing herself at him the moment he’d arrived at the medical centre as she’d always done in the past.

The desire became an ache in her heart, throughout her body. For the first time ever they wouldn’t be making love the moment they charged into the house. Or kissing like their lives depended on feeling, tasting, pressing their mouths together. What had she done? Why hadn’t she found the patience to wait until he returned from East Timor before she changed everything? Then she could’ve kissed him and wound her arms and legs around him, and shown how much she loved him all over again.

And nothing would’ve changed.

True. She’d started something there was no going back on. Fear hit her. What if this really was the end of everything between them? It was all very well telling herself she was doing the right thing and that they might be finished as a result, but Cole was her other half. She loved him, needed and wanted him.

And I can’t go back to being at his beck and call.

Her foot pressed harder on the accelerator and the car shot forward. She braked sharply, and the wheels skidded on the wet tarmac.

‘Take it easy,’ Cole snapped. On his thighs, his hands were clenched, while his whole body was rigid.

What was that about? Her driving hadn’t been dangerous, just a little abrupt.

‘Slow down.’

She didn’t reply for fear of shouting that it was impossible to take any damned thing easy with him sitting beside her, sharing the air, diverting her from what she should be concentrating on. Instead she focused on driving carefully through the numerous massive puddles covering the road at regular intervals, and hoped fervently that they got through to Palm Beach, while swallowing the longing and disappointment filling her. With every kilometre she drove her stomach grew harder, tighter, filling with stress over resolving everything in a way that worked for both of them, and fear that they never would.

‘Dad sends his love.’ Cole broke the tightening silence. Unable to cope any more?

Did Conrad know she’d left Cole? She should’ve kept in touch since the miscarriage but it was difficult. He was Cole’s father first and foremost. ‘I phoned Conrad about the miscarriage. He was very upset, and supportive.’

Beside Vicki, Cole stared out the window, his fingers tapping a rhythm on his thighs as he recalled the day his dad had called to say Vicki had phoned about the miscarriage.

‘You should tell her, son.’

His father’s words had drummed inside Cole’s head as he’d lain on his hospital bed in Darwin. ‘Easy to say, Dad.’

‘She has a right to know.’ Dad hadn’t given up. At least he’d promised not to talk to Vicki about Cole’s accident until Cole had broached the subject first.

And that hadn’t happened in a hurry. He hadn’t been able to tell her until he’d known for certain he would walk again.

‘Yes, she does. When I’m ready.’

He hadn’t wanted to give her the chance to fly up to Darwin and see him attached to more medical equipment than he’d ever seen on any patient. It hadn’t been the tubes that had worried him. It had been the reason for them. Not the splenectomy, or the three fractures to his left leg. It had been the pain in his back. The spinal damage was a concern, his orthopaedic surgeon had said. A downright nightmare, Cole had thought.

What if he never walked again? Until he could know for sure he would be able to get up and look after himself, he would not lay his problems at Vicki’s feet. He had not wanted her taking him back because he was seriously injured. He couldn’t have cope with that humiliation.

‘She’s got enough problems already.’

Neither could he have expected Vick to rush to his side when he hadn’t been able to go to her, even before that vehicle had driven into the army truck. Not when she’d told him she couldn’t take any more.

‘You take care, son. I’ll call again tomorrow.’ His dad’s voice had broken and he’d hung up before Cole could say any more.

‘Damn it.’ Cole had stared some more at the ceiling he’d been getting to know too well. ‘I seem to have made a habit of upsetting those nearest and dearest without even trying.’ Should he call Vicki and talk about that dreadful day? She wasn’t going to happy whenever she learnt about it, which was a given, so he might as well wait until he was up on his feet. Because he would walk again. He would.

But what he wouldn’t have given to have had the love of his life there with him; to hold her hand, feel her lips on his. Just to talk about them, the miscarriage, their future. A future they wouldn’t have any more if she had meant what she’d said.

Giving in to the relentless agony in his heart, he had picked up the phone and hit the speed dial for Vicki. ‘Hi, sweetheart. How are you today?’

‘Much the same.’ Her voice had had the familiar flatness he’d heard during the few conversations they’d had over the previous week. ‘What about you?’ It hadn’t sounded like she even cared.

Resentment had risen. There he had been, incapacitated, in pain, afraid he might not walk again despite his determination he would, and she had been in a fog all of her own.

‘Just great, thanks,’ he had snapped.

‘That’s good. Did you want to talk about anything in particular?’

He hadn’t even been able to wind her up, she had been so down. The Vicki of old would’ve bitten his head off for the way he’d just spoken. ‘Yes, us.’

Her sigh had resonated through the ether. ‘Oh.’

Guilt had fought with a sense of loss and of being let down. ‘What do you expect, Vicki? That I’m going to let you walk away without a fight?’

‘I don’t know what to think about anything at the moment, Cole. Losing the baby dominates my thoughts. I feel so sad, it’s unbearable. It makes me feel useless.’ The most emotion he’d heard from her since she’d told him she’d lost the baby had come at him.

He had let her down. Big time. He had known it. The guilt wouldn’t let up. And yet what was he supposed to have done, even if he hadn’t ended up in hospital, fighting for his life? ‘It’s going to take time, sweetheart.’ All he had wanted was a little understanding that he couldn’t always do as she needed, that the army was in charge.

Tell her where you are. Let her come to you.

It had been so tempting. As his mouth had opened, he’d heard, ‘That’s all just about everyone says.’ Back to the flat tone. ‘I didn’t expect it from you, Cole.’

He’d got it wrong again. ‘I’m sorry. I’m at a loss for words.’ A hug would have gone a long way further, but wouldn’t happening any time soon. The next day he would have to demand to be allowed to try and sit up and put his feet on the floor. The next day he would have to start getting his life sorted so he could work at making Vicki happy again. If she’d let him.