Pieces of Dreams

Pieces of Dreams
Donna Hill

www.millsandboon.co.uk

Acknowledgments

I want to thank the countless fans who have continued to support me over the years, buying the books, telling their friends and buying more books! I hope to be able to entertain, inform and make you smile for many years to come. To my family and my friends, who always keep me grounded. To all the Arabesque authors new and old whom I have had the pleasure of meeting, e-mailing and working with: continued success to all of you. And most of all, to God, who continues to shower me with daily blessings!

Contents

MAXINE

Chapter 1: My Forever Came Today

Chapter 2: Now Comes the Hard Part

TAYLOR

Chapter 3: The Bed You Make

Chapter 4: No Turning Back

MAXINE

Chapter 5: Every Beat of My Heart

QUINN

Chapter 6: Things Fall Apart

Chapter 7: Can’t Let Go

Chapter 8: If Only You Knew

MAXINE

Chapter 9: Revelations

TAYLOR

Chapter 10: Only Time Will Tell

Chapter 11: Nowhere to Run

MAXINE

Chapter 12: Over The Rainbow

QUINN

Chapter 13: The Road Back

MAXINE

Chapter 14: Trying To Make It Right

QUINN

Chapter 15: My Turn Now

TAYLOR, MAXINE, QUINN

Epilogue: All In Good Time

MAXINE

Chapter 1
My Forever Came Today

I chased sleep all last night, doing my own version of the dead man’s float on land. Not moving, stifling my sobs, I dared not toss or turn though my heart raced and my brain churned.

Taylor, my man, my lover’s, gentle, enflaming touch unnerved me instead of igniting my heart. He wanted to make love to me—inside out. I knew what he needed, what he wanted, but something inside me shut down. And I was scared. Scared of what it meant.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Baby. Talk to me,” he’d said when I mumbled some incoherent excuse about not feeling up to it. Never in our three year relationship could we keep our hands off each other, right from the very beginning. Did he know I was lying?

Even as still as I remained, as hard as I worked at keeping my treacherous thoughts sealed shut, commanding my heart to stop that thudding noise, Taylor still worried about me. “Max? What’s wrong, Baby?” He stroked my hair. “Want me to get you something?” He began to massage my neck, my back, releasing the knots of tension. That’s the way he was—sensitive and in tune with my needs, my feelings. He always listened to me, really listened, and that made all the difference in the world. Taylor was always more than my man. He was my friend.

From the day we met, it was as if we’d known each other all our lives. There was an easiness about Taylor that just made it to simple to open up to him and not to be afraid of what he might see. From the beginning it drew me to him like a magnet—the need to be cared about totally and completely without having to fight for it.

I wanted to turn into his arms last night, pour out my heart and my darkest fears, bury them in the strength and security of his embrace, but for the first time in the three glorious years that we’d been together I couldn’t. So I did the first thing that came to my mind, did something I’d sworn I’d never do. I lied. I lied to keep from hurting him with the truth.

“Mmm. Nothin’, Babe, really. Just thinking about some things at work. Sorry if I’m keepin’ you up.” I eased out of the bed, nude as usual—Taylor liked that—and slipped on the short, peach silk robe that I kept at the foot of the four-poster bed. “Maybe some warm milk would help.” I leaned down and kissed his temple, there on that salt and pepper spot that I sometimes teased him about but secretly thought only added to his ruggedly handsome looks.

“I’ll sit with you,” he mumbled, his voice a cross between Isaac Hayes’s seductive timbre and tires running over gravel. That made me smile.

“Don’t even think about it, Ty. Go back to sleep, Babe.”

Still emotionally rattled, I tiptoed out of the room, walked down the short hallway, and peeked in at the partially open bedroom door. Something inside of me filled, just as it always did whenever I looked at my son, hunched up like a lump of sugar beneath his Spider-Man sheets. My blessing.

I stood for a moment in the doorway, watching Jamel breathe in and out and the battlefield of action heroes spread out across the sheets, some having fallen onto the navy blue-carpeted floor.

My throat clenched. Three years ago, with one simple phone call, one sentence, this all could be so different—this life I had worked to build—but that was then.

Inhaling my reality, I let it settle in the unlit place inside myself and headed downstairs to think.

That was nearly four hours and three cups of coffee ago. Everything was still out of focus. The only thing that was a bit clear was the view of the Golden Gate Bridge that was slowly materializing beyond my little window on the world.

The beacons of sun streaming into the kitchen window were warm as always for eight a.m., even if they were filtered by the everpresent fog that hung over San Francisco like gauze drapes used to keep mosquitoes out. Music, coming from the little clock radio on the sink, slow and bluesy—the kind that slips through your pores and seeps into your soul—floated around the squared-off yellow room, bringing its own brand of “just sit back and relax.” But I couldn’t.

Above me, from upstairs, I heard the rush of the shower pounding against the ecru-colored tiles, and knew that Taylor was up. Any minute, like clockwork, Jamel would come bounding down the stairs, sleep still stuck in his inky black eyes, eyes just like his father’s, wanting his bowl of Frosted Flakes with no milk.

For all intents and purposes it was a day just like any other, except for the boulder of truth that sat on my chest. There was no way I could put off telling Taylor much longer.

How many times in the past twenty-four hours had I wished that my old homegirl Val hadn’t called from New York—that she hadn’t mentioned Quinten Parker’s name again, hadn’t made me remember what I’d struggled these past years to forget?

For a fleeting moment, when she told me that Nikita was dead, there was that dark, ugly instant when I was almost relieved, vindicated somehow. From the day Quinn met Nikita Harrell, our relationship shifted. I’d known Quinten Parker nearly my entire life. His twin sister, Lacy, was my best friend, before she was killed. There was a bond between Quinn and me, one that I’d fantasized about and thought could never be broken.

We came from the same roots, talked the same language. I took the unspoken relationship between us as an inevitable given. Then Nikita walked into his life—the girl from the right side of the tracks, the last person I, or anyone, ever imagined Quinten Parker falling for—and my dreams of a lifetime with Quinn fell to pieces. Nikita Harrell rudely awakened me.

But then, as Val and I hung up, being human stepped in, and that unexplainable love harbored in my heart for Quinn since I was six years old suddenly roared to life, like dry wood stacked too close to the flame. And all that other stuff didn’t matter. I hurt for him, felt his pain as surely as if it were my own—just as I’d always done. When—when—would he finally find his peace, some happiness? Everything—everyone—he’d ever loved was taken from him, one by one. And I was no better than the fates that dealt Quinn an unwinable hand. I wrapped both of mine around my mug.

The coffee was cold now, but I drank it anyway, rewinding last night in my head. I should have made love with Taylor. I should have let him into my soul to push away the images of Quinn that were resurrected, wash away the doubts that began to form around the edges of my heart.

Quinn. Q. His face loomed in front of me. Those long, silky dreads that must be almost to his waist by now. Those mesmerizing eyes, the wicked, dimpled smile, and thrill—your fingers that could stroke the blacks and whites of a keyboard and steal your soul. Oh, yeah, I remembered. I remembered the dreams we shared, the laughter, the pain, the bed—

“You never came back upstairs last night,” Taylor said, standing in the archway of the kitchen, catching me completely off guard. When did the shower go off?

I looked up at him and tried to smile. Momentarily he paused, his long body held in that just to the side angle that gave the impression he didn’t have a care in the world. One of the things that had attracted me to Taylor Collins was his total air of casualness.

“I know. I, uh, didn’t want to keep you up, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep.”

He eased into the kitchen and pulled out a chair from beneath the table and straddled it, bracing his arms across the rounded top. He rested his chin on his forearms and caressed my cheek with a stroke of his finger. “You wanna tell me what’s really bothering you, Max? Or are you going to keep running the line about the job?”

“It’s not a line. It’s—”

“Don’t lie to me, Baby. I know you, remember? Something’s bothering you, and has been from the moment you walked in the door last night. And I know good and damned well it’s not the job. You could run that travel agency of yours with your eyes closed.” He looked at me for a long moment, his warm brown eyes waiting, probing.

“Mommy, I’m hungry,” Jamel announced the instant his toes crossed the threshold of the kitchen. I was sure Taylor heard my sigh of relief.

“Mornin’, Sweetie,” I cooed, giving him a sweeping hug.

“Hey, Shortstop,” Taylor said, rubbing his big hands across Jamel’s head, much to his delight.

“Hi, Daddy.” He giggled.

I got up from my perch and took the box of Frosted Flakes from the cabinet and filled a bowl for Jamel.

“We’ll talk tonight, Max,” Taylor said, making sure I didn’t miss the no-nonsense tone in his voice. He stood, slid his arm around my waist, and pulled me close. “Whatever it is, we’ll work it out. We always do.”

He dipped his head and took a long, lazy kiss, then eased back, his eyes smoky with desire. I knew that look.

“Okay?”

All I could do was nod my head as he turned toward Jamel.

“See ya later, Slugger.” He snatched Jamel up and gave him a tight squeeze. “Love you, buddy.”

“Love you, too.”

Taylor put him down and walked out.

The self-imposed noose of avoidance by silence grew taut around my neck. And I knew the longer I dodged the inevitable the tighter it would become.

After the usual ritual of getting Jamel ready for day care, doing a quick straightening up of our two-story town house, I found myself alone with my thoughts and my decision—one that I couldn’t put off much longer. “Nikita’s funeral is in two days, Max,” Val had said. “I know it’s hard, and probably asking too much, but you should be there. You and Quinn…well…there’s history between you two. I think he needs you, Girl, but he’d never say that.”

She was right. Quinn never would say he needed anyone. He was used to doing everything on his own, from the time he was sixteen, a man since he was a boy. His self-assurance and confident swagger only camouflaged the tenderness that rested in his spirit, but it was the lure of inaccessibility that always intrigued me, drawing me to him like a moth to a flame—the desire that was a part of me, to reach him, heal him. Oh, yes. I knew him.

But no matter what my decision, there was still my business to run and Jamel to raise. Slipping on my suit jacket, I headed for the door.

As usual, the morning rush hour traffic was a monster. Front ends kissed rear ends for miles, at least as far as you could see through the haze. After a while, though, you get used to it. So, rather than give myself a headache by chiming in with the other horn blowers, I turned up the volume on the radio, eased back a little in the seat, and listened to some cool jazz. My girl Phyllis Hyman was working one of her songs, and I sang right along with her. In some other life I just knew I was a singer.

Peeking across the lane to my left, one of those suit and tie-wearing brothers was having a heated argument on his cell phone. I immediately felt sorry for the poor soul on the other end. Even from my vantage point I could see the veins popping out on his forehead. To my right, a woman with four kids in her backseat appeared to be trying desperately to keep them from jumping out of the windows.

I wasn’t sure which was worse, creeping along to work at a snail’s pace or being trapped underground on a New York subway, engulfed by the pungent odors of the city and the cloying scents of every designer perfume under the sun. Even so, there were days when I actually missed that.

Picking up stakes from New York and moving to San Francisco was a hard decision. My entire life, everything and everyone that was familiar, I left behind. But five years ago, it was the only choice to be made. The need to start over, to break away from the ties that bound, were more powerful than the desire to stay. The only problem was that the cord wasn’t broken.

Not too long after my arrival, just when I was getting my head together and my business off the ground, letting my spirit mend, Quinn arrived. At the time, I thought it was for good, that the day I’d longed for finally arrived. We spent two years together, moving from the tentative stages of friends to lovers. Foolishly, I believed that away from New York, away from the pain and the relationships of the past, he and I could really build a life together. I was wrong.

Quinn had ties, too, ties more potent than anything I could bind him with. Somewhere, buried deep inside, there was a part of me that knew he’d go back. Back to New York. Back to Nikita. I just didn’t want to believe it.

Humph. Quinn and Nikita. Ms. Uptown Girl. But hey, got to give her credit, she loved him. I suppose. The problem was, so did I at the time. It took letting go and letting Taylor into my life to finally find my piece of the happiness pie. Now, with one phone call, it felt as if my whole world were being turned upside down again. No dessert for you.

My eyes began to burn, and it had nothing to do with the smog. How was I going to explain to Taylor that I needed to go back to New York to be with Quinn? Better yet, how was I going to face Quinn for the first time in three years and not tell him about his son?

“Didn’t think I’d ever make it,” I said, breezing into the office on a gust of hot air an hour later. I tossed my purse on top of my always overloaded desk and flopped down in the cushioned chair.

Marva, my business partner and dear friend, glanced up from her computer screen and grinned as if everything was just lovely.

“Max, you say that at least once a week.” She kept clicking the keys. “You know you don’t have to be here every day. It’s a trek for you. I can handle things.”

I looked at her bowed brunette head for a moment, and knew she was right. But the fact of the matter was, as much as I might fuss and cuss about the distance, the traffic, and the smog, I loved it all, and I loved my business. This was mine—my dream—and I guess I just needed to see it every day to make sure it wasn’t a dream.

“Did you talk with Taylor yet?” she asked over her rapid-fire typing.

I could hear the note of hesitancy, the slight hitch in her voice. She stared right at me yesterday when Val called, when that bottom-dropped-out-of-my-world look came across my face. At first she thought something happened to Jamel or Taylor, and she almost freaked out until I finally got myself together enough to explain about Val’s call.

Marva was there for me with a hug and a smile when Quinn arrived in Frisco. She let me use her shoulder when he left and went back to Nikita. And no one was happier for me than Marva when Taylor came into my life. “You deserve to be happy, Girl,” she’d said. “Go for it.”

I pressed the power button on my computer and tried to act as if I didn’t hear—“Did you talk with Taylor?”—the million dollar question.

“Don’t act like you didn’t hear me, Maxine Sherman.” She spun her chair until we were eyeball to eyeball, crossed her arms beneath her ample breasts, and waited. I could almost see her counting off the seconds in her head. “Well?” she snapped, and I jumped.

“No. I didn’t talk to Taylor last night.” I tried to sound defiant. She wasn’t impressed.

Her thick brows bunched together. “Max, when are you planning on talking to him—at the airport? Girl, I don’t believe you.”

“I’m glad you think it’s so damned easy, Marva. News flash—it’s not.” I rolled my eyes as hard as I could, hoping she’d get the message that I was really ticked off with her.

“I know it’s not easy. Life isn’t easy. But it’s not going to get better by putting it off. Unless you’ve changed your mind and decided not to go.”

Her dark blue eyes zeroed in on my face and stayed there. I was the first to look away.

Blowing out a long breath of frustration, I got up and began to pace. Pacing always seemed to help. Or at least it used to.

“Marva, I swear I’ve been up half the night trying to find a way to tell Taylor that I need to go to New York. I couldn’t.”

“Why? Taylor is one of the most understanding men I’ve ever met—”

“Being understanding is one thing, Marva. Accepting that—one—you’re raising the son of the man your woman was in love with as your own, and—two—she’s making plans to be by his side in his time of need, is a lot for any man to handle. I don’t care how understanding he is,” I shot back, needing to sound annoyed to justify my own lack of assertiveness.

“You know better than that, Max. Taylor loves you, and he loves Jamel. He knew the deal when he met you, and it didn’t stop him. Have a little trust in him.”

Trust. I swallowed hard, tossing the ominous word around in my head. I raised my gaze to meet hers. “It’s not Taylor I don’t trust. It’s me.” Well, you could have heard a pin drop on the carpet.

Marva gave me “the look”—you know, the one your mother would flash when you were out of order, and you snapped to attention? I almost felt like bowing my head and shuffling my feet in contrition.

“I know you’re going to explain.” Her head angled to an even forty-five degrees.

I tried to dodge what I knew was coming next by pacing faster.

“Max…please don’t tell me—”

Fancy footwork be damned. I came to a full, screeching stop. “Tell you what? That I think I still have unresolved feelings for Quinn? That I see his face every time I look at our son?” I picked up my pace again. “That when I got the phone call from Val, the first thing I felt was glad that Nikita was out of his life? That when I got in bed last night with the man who has always loved me from the bottom of his soul I didn’t want him to touch me because I remembered Quinn’s hands on my body? Is that what you don’t want me to tell you?”

I was fuming now, ready for a fight, and Marva was the most likely opponent, if for no other reason than because she was there. I was pissed, angry, confused—with myself—and I had to take it out on somebody. I knew I sounded as if I’d just gone around the bend. My voice had reached a borderline pitch that makes the hair on your arms begin to tingle. I couldn’t help it, not with my heart racing as if I’d been running a marathon.

All of a sudden I felt Marva’s arm around my shoulder, pulling me close, halting my steps, and muttering all those comforting things you say to someone whose edges are frayed.

“Come on, Hon. Sit down and catch your breath.”

She ushered me to my chair, helping me into it like she thought I might fall, or something. I loved her for what she was doing, but in a momentary state of clarity I felt like an idiot.

Marva crossed the office, which wasn’t much larger than your average classroom, locked the door, and hung the Closed sign in the window. She rolled her chair across the floor until our knees bumped. She took my hands and kneaded them between her long, soft fingers.

I sniffed and looked down at our entwined hands, hers so pale with pink undertones, and mine the color of Hershey chocolate. What a pair we made. But you couldn’t tell us we weren’t sisters. Marva Torino had soul to the bone. A true sistah in the wrong body. In the years Marva and I worked together at the agency we’d become solid friends. I shared things with Marva that I never shared with anyone—not with Val, not Lacy, not even Taylor. I never imagined I could be friends with a white girl—especially one like Marva, who came from money and privilege, me being raised in the heart of struggle and hopelessness—but something between us clicked from the beginning, and the color thing didn’t matter. She was my friend. One who didn’t pull any punches and would stand toe-to-toe with me no matter how far back into the neighborhood I went, and give it right back to me.

Marva was privy to my intense but abbreviated romance with Quinn, the pain I felt when he left me. She was the first person I told about the baby I was carrying. I confided in her about my doubts about getting involved with Taylor, especially under the circumstances. I trusted her and her judgment. And our sharing was never one-sided. Marva always found a way to weave in a life lesson for me from snippets of her decade-old romance and marriage to Brent.

“If I had left it up to my parents and my friends, my relationship with Brent would have been doomed,” she once told me. “I came from a world of private schools, lawns that needed a team of mowers, high society, and old British money. Brent’s parents were “common,” “beneath me,” “an embarrassment,” “laborers.” My parents threatened to disown me if I married him.

“But you know what, Maxine? I didn’t give a damn. Still don’t.” She chuckled wickedly. “Brent made my heart and my body sing. He opened up the real world to me, and he loved me with every ounce of his being. I’d never had that before, and I can only hope that everyone has a glimmer of what he and I share. So I went against them—my parents, my friends, tradition. And I never looked back or regretted one minute. Sometimes in life, Maxine, we have to make hard choices, choices that can hurt. But we also have to be willing to deal with the consequences of our choices. If we can do that, then it’s half the battle.”

That conversation and countless others like it had sustained me on many a troubled night, and I sure needed her uncanny wisdom right about now.

“Tell me what’s going on in your head, Max,” she said, cutting into my thoughts.

I let out a breath, laden with doubt. “I…don’t know what to do, Marva. I want to see Quinn. Maybe too much. And it’s scaring me. It scares me to think about what may happen when I get to New York.”

“What do you think will happen, Max? What are you afraid of?”

I bit down on my lip for a moment, knowing that once I said the words out loud, the words that danced around in my head they’d become real, and I couldn’t take them back. I paused, stood up, and sat back down.

“I’m…afraid I’ll realize I never stopped loving Quinn, and screw up everything I have with Taylor,” I said in a torrent of words and raw emotion. “Afraid that what I’ve built with Taylor is all a carefully constructed illusion. That it isn’t real, only a substitute for what I think I lost.”

She was quiet for a moment. “I see. And what about Jamel? Can you face Quinn and not tell him about his son? And when you do, what then?”

The noose around my neck tightened a bit more. I struggled for air. “Three years, Marva. Three years since he left and went back to New York.” I swallowed and looked over her head, focusing on the rack of travel brochures on the other side of the room. “And most days I hardly think what might have been. But then there are those days when I think how cruel it is to deprive Quinn of the knowledge of his son. Yet, Taylor is the only father Jamel has ever known. How right is that?”

“Why didn’t you ever tell Quinn? It’s not as if you didn’t have the opportunity.”

“When I found out I was pregnant, Quinn had been back in New York and with Nikita for almost three months—shortly before you started working here. They were a week away from getting married. I didn’t want him coming back to me just because I was pregnant. That’s the oldest trick in the book. I wanted him back only if he loved me, and I didn’t believe he did. Not really. Not the kind of love I needed. And then Taylor walked through that door right over there, into my life and my heart, and made all the hurt go away. He made me believe in myself again.”

“But how do you feel about Taylor, Maxine, really feel? Right now—today.”

I looked at her then, right in her midnight-blue eyes. “I love him.”

“And Quinn?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then you need to go to New York. For your sake, Taylor’s, and Jamel’s. You’re never going to have peace until you finally face Quinn and either put closure to these feelings you have—”

“Or see if what I already have with Taylor is all I need.”

“Yes. My sentiments exactly.”

We didn’t talk about my “situation” any more for the balance of the morning. That’s just the way Marva was. Once she’d said what was on her mind, that was it.

Unfortunately, that didn’t mean it was off mine. Whenever there was a lull in the day’s activity, after I’d finished booking the trip of a lifetime for yet another customer, my “situation” would tiptoe up behind me and tap me on the shoulder. Hey, don’t forget me, it would whisper in my ear. I wanted to slap it away like an annoying fly, but I couldn’t. It just settled back down and waited for the next opportunity to sneak up on me again.

“I’m going to take a break for lunch,” Marva announced. “I have some errands to run. You want to come?”

“No. Go ahead.”

“Want me to bring you anything?”

“No. I’ll probably go out when you get back.”

“Okay. See you in about an hour.”

I tried to concentrate on surfing the Internet to see what kind of sales some of the other travel agencies were offering when the bell chimed over the door. I looked up and a thirtyish, good-looking man walked in. He was tall, about Taylor’s height, maybe six-two or so. He was dressed casually in one of those nylon designer jogging suits, looking ready to hang out for a minute. His dark brown skin glistened with a slight sheen of perspiration. He was pleasant enough to look at—more than once—which I did, and I caught a glint of light bouncing off the third finger of his left hand.

“Hi. How can I help you?”

He walked farther into the office, cautious, and looked around as if trying to determine if we were alone. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his electric blue windbreaker. My antennae went up, and I instantly wished I’d taken Marva up on her offer to go to lunch. I stood—ready for anything, bumping the back of my knees against the chair, my hand near the phone.

He cleared his throat. “I hope so.” He gave me a shy smile. “I, uh, wanted to book a flight to Chicago.”

Chicago. I almost said it out loud in relief. My pulse slowed down just a notch. “Of course. Why don’t you have a seat and tell me your plans?” I indicated the chair next to my desk.

He eased into the chair, stretching his long legs out in front of him.

“When were you planning to leave?”

“Day after tomorrow.”

“Short notice.” I started to give him my standard speech about the advantages of booking well in advance, but something told me that this trip was a last minute decision, that stopping in was on impulse. His next comment confirmed my conclusion.

“I’ve debated about going for almost a month.”

“A month? Why did you wait so long?”

He shrugged slightly. “Wasn’t sure if it was the best thing to do.”

“Book early, or take the trip?” I teased, which got a chuckle out of him. I kept typing.

“Take the trip.”

My right eyebrow arched in question. “Oh. So, what made you finally decide to go ahead with it?”

“Funny thing is, I’m still not sure.”

At that point I didn’t know whether to be curious or annoyed. I hoped he didn’t think he was going to get a refund if he changed his mind.

“Is there a problem?”

He didn’t answer.

“You are aware that this ticket is nonrefundable?”

“Yes. I know.” He stood up, walked across the room to the rack of brochures, and picked up one detailing the wonders of Hawaii. “Went here on my honeymoon,” he said, almost to himself.

I watched him for a moment threading along the crossroads of decision, and then I saw something in his eyes, a momentary flicker as if he’d seen something pleasant, and he smiled again. Just a little.

“I hear it’s beautiful.”

“More like heaven on earth,” he said.

His body seemed to relax and let go, then, as if the strain of carrying a burden had finally been removed, the tension flowed from him on a tide of expelled air, leaving him open and receptive. All of a sudden I realized he wasn’t out to give me a hard time but was really battling with his decision about the trip.

“Will your wife need a ticket as well?”

His head snapped in my direction, as if realizing he wasn’t alone.

“No. She doesn’t like to fly.”

“Is it business or pleasure?”

He inhaled deeply, his chest expanding, then blew out a long breath. “It’s a college reunion.”

I smiled, wondering what that was like. I’d never gone any further than business school, to get my agency certificate. Couldn’t see any college reunions in my future.

“That sounds like fun. How many years has it been?”

“Ten.” He turned toward me.

“I’d think you’d want to go. A lot happens to people in ten years. You can joke about folks who’ve gone bald, gotten pot bellies, and wound up with the wrong wives.” I laughed lightly at the images.

His dark eyes suddenly locked with mine, and my heart knocked. What had I said?

“That’s part of the problem,” he said out of nowhere.

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“Neither do I.”

He was quiet for a while as he absently fingered the brochures, looking around the office, but not really seeing. I thought that would be all he’d reveal. But then, like a young thief eager to make a confession, he let the words pour out of him.

“I just know that going back may resurrect some things that are best left buried.”

My “situation” tapped me on the shoulder again. “Then…why go?”

“That’s what I’ve asked myself these past weeks. But if I don’t go, too many questions will be left unanswered. I’ll never really know if I made the right decision.”

“Made the right decision—you mean about your job, where you decided to live…?”

Slowly he shook his head. “No. About the woman I chose to marry.”

“Oh,” was all I could summon in response. His confession surprised me in its bold honesty and its reflection of my life, and something inside of me needed to know if there was a solution to my own quandary. Maybe he had it, this stranger.

I looked at him for a moment. His face was gone. In its place was my own, staring back at me, waiting. In the blink of an eye what began as a benign conversation suddenly took a serious twist. What could I say to him, to this man who felt the need to share a part of himself with a total stranger, to one who wouldn’t be judgmental? Perhaps that’s what made it easy.

“I think I understand,” slipped across my lips.

“You do?” He sounded mystified, and absently sat down opposite me.

I nodded, thoughtful. “I’m sort of at a crossroads myself. And have probably asked the same questions as you.” I leaned forward on the desk and clasped my hands, staring at them for a moment. I looked at him, and our gazes connected in that inexplicable split second when you realize that a chance meeting has the potential to change you future.

He fingered his wedding band.

“How long?” I asked, pointing to the ring.

“Three years.”

“Any kids?”

“Yeah.” He grinned. “A little girl.”

“That’s nice. Kids make things worthwhile.”

“Yeah. But sometimes they’re good camouflage for what you don’t want to see or deal with.”

Was Jamel camouflage for me? Was I using my son as a shield, to keep from dealing with the truth? Was I using him to convince myself that as long as he was happy, cared for, and loved, everything was as it seemed—the picture of a perfect nuclear family—that Jamel didn’t represent my tie to the past with Quinn and my road to the future with Taylor? I shook off the notion.

“What about you? Any kids?”

I nodded. “A little boy, Jamel.”

“Hmm.” He looked away, seemingly lost in thought.

“Is this—person—you think you should have married going to be at the reunion?”

“Yes. She’s the one who sent me the invitation. Humph. I didn’t know she’d kept up with me,” he added in a faraway voice.

“Oh.” Did Quinn know that I’d kept up with him over the years through Val? That I knew about the success of the foundation he’d started in his sister Lacy’s memory, or that I listened to his CD in the privacy of my car? That I knew he was working on another book, and he and Nikita had often visited Shug’s Fish Fry in Harlem on Friday nights? Yeah, I knew. It was as though by catching snippets of his life I could vicariously remain a part of it. Although the tidbits of news were often few and far between, they filled some of the spaces. Sometimes.

“Do you think the trip to Chicago is going to change things between you and your wife?” I knew what I was really asking. I was asking him about me, my life, and I needed to hear the answer from someone who stood to lose everything. As I did.

“I’m sure it will. One way or the other. I think that’s what scares me—the fact that my marriage will be tested, my vows held up for inspection.” He stood. “But if I don’t go, I’ll never have the answers.” He looked directly into my eyes. “Will I?”

I felt as if I held the future of this stranger’s life in my hand. With one word I could decide his fate—and more importantly, my own as well.

“No. You won’t. You never will. And until you do, you’ll always ask yourself what if? Nothing will ever be whole.” Then all at once everything crystallized for me. I knew I must take the chance. Go against the odds, and deal with the consequences. It would never be fair to Taylor for me to be unsure, be with him as a second choice. I needed to clear the path behind me, so that I could move forward with Ty—no obstacles, no looking back.

He smiled, almost in thanks, I thought.

“Then I guess I’d better book that ticket. Round trip.”

As I keyed in the last of the reservation information, I suddenly realized that he sounded so sure, so certain that what he had at home would be waiting for him when he returned. I prayed the same would be true for me. I had to believe that it would.

Chapter 2
Now Comes the Hard Part

As I stuck my key in the lock of my town house several hours later and stepped inside, my heart thumped, and that funny dipping feeling took hold of my stomach.

“Mommy!” Jamel squealed, and he came barreling toward me as if he’d been shot from a cannon, right up into my arms, just as he did every evening.

He wrapped his little legs around my waist and his arms around my neck. I smothered his face with kisses until he was giddy with laughter. My heart filled.

“Did you bring me sumfin?”

“Yes.” I kissed his cheek. “A lot of love.”

He giggled. “Where?”

“In my purse, of course.”

I dropped my purse on the hall table and carried him down the short foyer, heading in the direction of the scent of grilled salmon coming from the kitchen. Yeah, Ty was working his magic. The thought made me smile.

“Hi, Babe,” I said to his back while he continued to cut up fixings for a side salad.

I put Jamel down and eased up behind Taylor, sliding my arms around his waist, pressing my head against the expanse of his back. Mmm, he smelled good. If only I could wrap myself up in his essence.

“Hi, yourself.”

He turned from the sink, grabbed a dishtowel to dry his hands, and pulled me full against him. We fit, every dip, every curve. Perfect.

I raised my head, looking up at him while he lowered his, brushing soft lips teasingly across mine. A shudder spread through me, like water being skimmed with a stone, just as it had from the moment we met.

Taylor’s body was sculpted from dedicated hours at the gym. Muscles rippled beneath his shirt, and I never grew tired of running my hands over him. I remember when he first walked into the door of the travel agency—all I could think was, Oh, my God. He had this—this—walk that defied explanation, smooth like a long lazy panther with a touch or urban assuredness—casual but raw. His skin reminded me of warm brandy, and there was a faint shadow of a beard stroking his strong chin, with a dimple dead center that gave him a rugged but boyish look. And yet it wasn’t so much the good looks, the drop-dead body, arrogant swagger, or Isaac Hayes voice that caught and held me. It was the soft center, the quiet strength that hovered just beneath the surface that intoxicated me.

“We’re going to put Jamel to bed early so we can spend some time together,” he said against my mouth.

“I like the sound of that.”

“If I had my way, I’d like to spend that time right now,” he said from deep in his throat, and I felt the urgency of his need press against me. “You feel good to me, Max.”

His fingers played along the sensitive cord of my spine, sending shock waves down the length of my body. I felt weak with need, and then laced with guilt as images of Quinn bloomed before me like an erupting volcano.

Ty stepped back. “What is it, Maxine? Why is it when I touch you lately, you freeze up on me?”

I turned away to hide the truth. “That’s not true, and you know it.”

“Do I?” He tossed the dishtowel onto the countertop and turned away. “I’m going up to take a shower,” he said more to the room than to me, then stormed out.

I shut my eyes and leaned against the counter. Oh, God, I didn’t want to hurt him. Not Ty. I’d heard the pain in his voice. I did that. What was I doing? What was wrong with me? Maybe it was best that I didn’t go. Leave well enough alone. Just the thought of the trip was putting a strain on our relationship.

But then the conversation I’d had with the man at the agency filtered through my thoughts, and I understood that if I didn’t go and put these feelings to rest they would always haunt me and float like ghosts between me and Ty. What if?

The scent of Taylor suddenly wrapped around me—conjured from my memory, I thought—until I opened my eyes. For an instant it felt as if my heart suddenly stopped beating.

Taylor was standing in front of me holding my airline tickets in his hand.

A rush of heat ignited in the pit of my stomach and jettisoned to my head, which began to pound. Dear Lord, not like this.

“Seems Jamel was looking for a treat in your bag and found these.”

He held them toward me, like a prosecutor displaying to the jury the final piece of evidence to convict the defendant.

“Planning to go to New York without saying anything, Max?”

His voice, the low rumble of thunder before the stroke of lightning, vibrated in my chest. His dark eyes narrowed. What I saw in them wasn’t anger, but betrayal. I stood accused. Guilty as charged.

I reached out to him and he took an almost imperceptible step back. My insides quivered.

“Ty…I was going to tell you—”

“When, Maxine?”

“Tonight.”

He tossed his head back and barked out a one-note laugh. “Tonight. How convenient.” He took a step closer. “What’s in New York, Max? Huh?”

His eyes cinched making his expression hard.

“What could possibly be in New York that you wouldn’t tell me about until you were ready to walk out the door?”

“Ty, if you’ll just listen, I’ll explain,” I tossed back with a touch of bravado, trying to stall for a few seconds to clear my head.

“I’m listening, Maxine. So, tell me, what’s in New York?”

He leaned against the refrigerator and crossed his arms, the damning tickets dangling from his fingertips.

I began to pace. “Val—my friend from New York—”

“I know who Val is.”

I cleared my throat. “She called and told me that…Quinn’s wife, Nikita, was killed in a car accident. The…funeral is day after tomorrow.”

For an instant there was a flash of shock in his eyes mixed with compassion. His stiff expression momentarily relaxed. His gaze met mine.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Max, but what does that have to do with you?”

“We were…he’s Jamel’s…” I blew out a breath. I was making a real mess out of this. “I should be there, Ty. He was someone important to me…once. He’s had so many tragedies in his life, Ty,” I said as the pain welled inside me—with the memories of how he’d taken care of his sister Lacy when their mother walked out on them, and then losing Lacy in that horrid shoot-out—hoping I could find the words to make him understand. “I need to be there…as a friend.”

“You sure that’s all, Max—a friend?”

I planted my hands on my hips. “What are you trying to say?” I asked, guilt toughening my voice, while my insides shook.

“I’m not trying to say anything. I said it. If it’s just about you being a friend, then why all the cloak and dagger? Why the cold shoulder toward me?”

The catch in his voice was unmistakable, even as he stood in front of me challenging, demanding. Beneath the ironclad exterior, he cradled his hurt and feelings about breach of trust.

My throat tightened. “Ty, I—”

“It makes me think you’re hiding something, you know. Like maybe you still have feelings for him. That you couldn’t tell me because you feel guilty. Is that the real deal, Maxine? Because if it is, I want to know. Now.”

A jumble of emotions and perfect-for-the-circumstances answers volleyed for position. I know he claimed to want the truth, but I couldn’t believe that he really did. And how could I explain to him the maelstrom of confusion that was waging war inside me?

“Hey. You don’t even have to say anything. Your silence is answer enough.”

He handed me the tickets, walked out of the kitchen and through the front door, its dull thud a perfect epitaph to the end of my day.

Jamel walked into the kitchen, his thumb stuck in his mouth, eyes downcast. “Where Daddy go?”

I bent down and scooped him up, anchoring him on my hip. “Daddy just went for a walk,” I said, hoping it was true. I kissed his forehead.

“I’m hungry,” he mumbled over his thumb, resting his head on my shoulder.

I looked around, dinner all but forgotten, the remnants of the half-made salad still in the sink. The casserole dish filled with grilled salmon on its bed of yellow rice and zucchini sat on the kitchen counter. Signs of Taylor’s caring touch were everywhere—the sunshine-yellow walls he’d recently painted, the new cabinets he’d put in on his free weekends, the stereo system he’d replaced when mine hit its last note. Even Jamel, who was always bathed and cared for when I arrived home from work.

I held Jamel a bit tighter. Taylor was a good man, better than good. There was nothing too big or too small around the house for him to deal with, no problem too trivial for him to listen to. I never had to worry about where he was at night because he was always home, with me and Jamel.

“I want to make a life for us, Maxine,” he’d said several months after we’d met, even as my belly grew fuller with Quinn’s child.

“But, Ty, what about the baby? I know it’s going to be hard to—”

“I can make you happy, Maxine. You and the baby. I love you, and I’m going to love the child you’re carrying just like my own. It doesn’t matter as long as we’re together,” he’d said running his hand along my cheek. “Give me a chance, Max. Give us a chance.”

When I’d looked into his eyes, the depth of love and sincerity radiated from them and entered my soul. In that moment I decided to give in to my emotions, let Taylor enter my heart and allow his love to fill me. Stop fighting what seemed our destiny. And every day that he’d been in my life was a blessing. No woman could ask for more from a man. Taylor exceeded all of his promises to me and to Jamel.

Yet, here I stood—alone—unable to tell this very same man that there was nothing and no one more important to me than him. Not even Quinten Parker. And the why not is what chilled me.

“Mommy, you cryin’?”

I blinked, then looked at my son. “No, sweetie,” I said over a wobbly smile. “I just have something in my eye.”

“I’m still hungry.”

I sniffed. “Then let’s get you something to eat.”

After fixing Jamel’s dinner and then settling him down for bed, I spent the next few hours alternating between jumping up to look out the window at every sound, and checking the phone to make sure it was working.

Every noise made me think it was Taylor returning home.

He didn’t.

And I thought I would go out of my mind with worry. By the time two a.m. rolled around, I was ready to start calling hospitals. I envisioned the worst.

From the day we moved in together, we’d never spent a night apart. Until now. I wanted to kick myself. Why couldn’t I have simply told him what he needed to hear? Why did I let him walk out believing that there was any man more important to me than him?

I stretched out across the bed, right on top of the comforter, too exhausted to pull it back. Staring up at the ceiling, I knew the answer, and it terrified me.

At some point sleep snatched me, buffeting me around on clouds of confusion, indecision, and guilt.

In a fitful sleep, I kept coming back to a fork after a long walk down an empty road. One direction was filled with light, and sounds of laughter. In the other direction the path appeared to be filtered, as if I were seeing it through a thin mist, making it difficult for me to see anything except the figure of Quinn, who held his hand out to me. He promised me he’d love me always, for real this time. We could be a family. He needed his son.

I started to walk toward him. Then I heard Taylor’s voice. “Don’t go, Maxine. I need you, too. I love you. We are a family. Max!”

I looked toward Quinn, then Taylor.

“Max. Maxine.”

My eyes flew open. For a moment the room was out of focus. When it cleared, Taylor was standing above me. It was morning. I sat up.

“Ty. Baby. I was worried. I’m sorry.” I reached for him.

“I need to get ready for work.” His tone was flat, emotionless.

He turned away and walked toward the closet. I got out of bed and followed him.

“Ty.” I touched his back and felt him flinch beneath my fingertips as if my touch offended him. My stomach dipped and then settled, even as my heart raced with dread. “Where were you all night?”

“Around. Driving. Sitting. Thinking.”

The words, thrown at me like darts, pierced the first layer of my spirit.

He took out his navy blue suit, and a stark white shirt. He’s always looked good in that outfit, I thought abstractly, trying to grab hold of something, anything familiar, to settle the shifting beneath my feet and between Taylor and me.

“We need to talk, Ty.”

“Yeah. Just not now. I’m tired and I’m late.” He turned away, left the room, and slammed the bathroom door behind him.

For several moments I stared at the closed door, shut in my face, locking me out. Uncertainty and fear built steadily like a campfire within me, the flames fed by the winds of doubt.

Taylor never closed me out. Until now. Talking, sharing, had been the cornerstone of our relationship, of who we were, what kept it healthy, growing, alive. Without that cornerstone, it was only a matter of time before our foundation began to crumble, and everything with it.

Since the beginning, I instinctively knew I could count on Taylor, his ability to anchor me, weather the storm—the assurance that no matter what we were in this relationship together, kept me grounded, secure. Now I faced a Taylor I did not know. This new reality danced without rhythm in my head.

Disoriented from our confrontation and groggy from a lack of a decent night’s sleep, I made my way down the hall to wake Jamel for school.

“Where’s Daddy?” Jamel mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

My chest heaved. “He’s getting dressed for work, Sweetie. Come on. You need to get ready for school.”

“I’m hungry.”

“What else is new?” I teased, relishing the one thing that was familiar. It seemed as if my life was spinning out of sync, and the only thing holding me together was Jamel.

While I was preparing Jamel’s bowl of Frosted Flakes, Taylor walked into the kitchen.

“Daddy!”

Jamel sprinted from his seat at the table and jumped into Taylor’s arms.

“Hey, Buddy.” He squeezed Jamel to him.

“You was gone,” Jamel whined.

“I had some things to do, Buddy.”

“I’m eating Frosted Flakes.”

Taylor grinned, carried Jamel back to the table and deposited him in his seat.

“Make sure you eat it all so you can get big.”

“Like you.” He grinned and shoved a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

Watching the two of them, so easy and comfortable with each other, my soul filled with so many emotions. How could I jeopardize this? Taylor, sensing my stare, looked up.

Sunlight streamed in through the kitchen window, resting, it seemed, on his wide shoulders. I saw his eyes then, looking dark and distant, the shadows of a sleepless night ringing them like poorly applied mascara.

My heart thumped in my chest.

“I’m late,” was all he said to me before turning away and walking toward the front door.

“Taylor, wait.”

I followed him, but it seemed he wasn’t going to stop, as if he’d already dismissed me.

He put his hand on the door, stopped, and then turned toward me. For a moment he looked down, as if the words he was ready to speak had fallen and he was searching for them, needing to gather them up to make sense.

When he looked up at me, I knew I’d never felt such terror, such bottomless fear, that whatever was to come next would change our relationship forever.

He blew out a breath. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking Max, all night. I never deluded myself into believing that I could ever replace Quinn, be Quinn in your life, in your heart, in your body. What I believe I brought to this relationship was something real, not that make-believe bull that you had happening with him.

“I love you, and Jamel—just like he’s my own son. But he’s not, and the first time that reality scared me was last night. It shook me, Max, that you’d take yourself up to New York, work out whatever you think you need to work out with this man, and then he’d come for his son. The boy I raised.”

I saw his throat working up and down, as if he were trying to keep that knot of hurt from planting itself permanently there.

My eyes were burning, and I swore that my heart was being squeezed out of my chest. I wanted to run to him, wrap him in my arms, and make the past forty-eight hours disappear, make everything go back to the way it was. But I couldn’t—just as Taylor told me when we’d first met.

“So.” He blew out a long breath, raised his chin for a moment, and gazed up at the ceiling as if he could no longer bear to look at me. “I decided that maybe it’s best if you do go to New York, Max. Settle this thing once and for all, so that you can move on with your life.” He jammed his hands into his pockets. “If there’s one thing I’ve never done, it’s stand in the of what you wanted, and apparently going to New York to be with Quinn is it. No matter what that decision will do to us. You think about it, Maxine. Really think about it. I don’t want you to go. I can’t be any clearer than that. But the ball is in your court.”

By the time I finally shook off the impact of his declaration, I heard his car pull out of the driveway.

He was gone. Out the door. And maybe out of my life.

Too many thoughts circled around me, like hungry buzzards waiting to pick apart an unlucky victim. Me.

What had I done? Better yet, what was I going to do? I was hard pressed to believe that Taylor would actually walk out on what we had simply because I elected to go to New York to be supportive of a friend during a difficult time.

But what if he did? Suppose he wasn’t simply challenging me—what then?

No. He wouldn’t do that. Not Taylor. We’d talk tonight when he came home. Really talk. I’d go to New York, come back, and everything would be as it was.

You’re fooling yourself a voice whispered. Things will never be as they were.

“So, what are you going to do”? Marva asked me later that day after I’d told her about Taylor’s ultimatum.

“I’m going. Just like I planned,” I answered, trying to sound resolute. I propped my hip on the edge of her desk and crossed my arms.

“And risk what you have with Taylor? Is that what I’m hearing?”

“Taylor will understand when he calms down. And if he doesn’t, maybe what we have isn’t all it’s cracked up to be if he can’t trust me.”

Marva let out a snide laugh. “If I remember correctly, it was you who said you didn’t trust yourself.”

I rolled my eyes. “That was yesterday. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“But you’re thinking clearly now?” She flashed me “that look” again.

“I can handle this, Marva. I need to handle this. And Ty’s just gonna have to give me the chance to do it.”

“Whatever you say, Maxine. And whatever it is you think you have to prove, I hope it’s worth it.”

I got up from her desk, crossed the room with plenty of attitude, and plopped down in my chair. “If I remember correctly, you were the one who said I needed to go.”

“Listen, Max—bottom line, no one can tell you anything one way or the other. Only you know what’s in your heart and mind, and what you’re up against. Yes, you do need to settle this thing between you and Quinn. Yes, he does need to be told about his son. The question becomes, are you willing to deal with the consequences?”

I bit down on my lip—a bad habit I have when I’m wrestling with a problem. I tossed around what Marva said, and replayed Taylor’s words of that morning. At some point I was going to have to come to terms with my feelings for Quinn, say all the things I never had the chance to say. And if not now, then when? But when I did, when I opened the door to the past, unlocked the secrets and spoke the words, nothing would be the same for any of us ever again.

I would be changed, and Quinn, Taylor, and Jamel. The fabric of our lives would become unraveled, and it would take everything that all of us had—what we shared—to put it together again. But what would the pattern of our lives really be? And could Taylor and I withstand the changes that my decision would evoke?

Taylor. I hadn’t heard from him all day. My calls to his office had gone unreturned. “He’s in conference,” was the first response. “He’s out of the office,” was next. “I left your messages,” was said with just a taste of, “You’re getting on my last nerve now,” underlying the receptionist’s voice. I had a good mind to call his partner CJ to find out where Taylor was, and what he was so involved in that he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, return my calls. I thought better of it. No point in getting CJ involved in our drama—although he probably knew, anyway.

Ty and CJ were thicker than the mob. The tie between them unbreakable. I knew CJ wasn’t too crazy about me in the beginning. He felt I was bringing nothing but trouble and heartache into Taylor’s life and had no problem about telling me so.

“Don’t mess with my man’s head,” he’d warned me as he carried a carton of Ty’s CDs into the town house the day Ty moved in with me. “He really digs you, Maxine. Ty’s a good brother, and I don’t want to see him hurt. Not by you. Not by anybody.”

His jaw clenched and I saw the muscles in his arms flex. His nut-brown face darkened ominously.

“I wouldn’t hurt Taylor. I wouldn’t,” I swore, staring into his unflinching eyes. And at that moment, I knew CJ would have no problem making me a vague memory if I messed with his boy.

“Hey, listen, it’s not about what you wouldn’t do, Maxine. You got a lot of baggage comin’ into this thing. Ty’s not just takin’ you on—but—”

He looked down at my rounded belly with an accusing look in his eyes. And all of a sudden I felt ashamed, almost guilty, and I wasn’t sure why. There was nothing for me to be ashamed of. This baby, my baby, was conceived in love. Not some one-night stand.

“…you know what I mean,” he was saying.

“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, Calvin,” I snapped, ready for a throw-down. “But the bottom line is, this is between me and Taylor. You can have whatever opinion you want about me. That’s your business. But when it’s all said and done, it’s about us loving each other and making a life together. Now, you may not like me,” I said, getting on a serious roll. “I can’t worry about that. I’m not in this to win a popularity contest with you as the judge. The only person whose opinion matters, one way or the other, is Taylor. Period, End of story.”

We stared each other down for a minute, and then all of a sudden his expression softened and he tossed his head back and laughed.

“You know something, Maxine Sherman—you’re all right.”

He strolled into the house and the topic never came up again. Over the ensuing months, CJ and I actually became friends, close. We respected each other’s boundaries and accepted the fact that we both loved Taylor.

It was CJ who took me to the hospital when I went into labor, and held my hand until Taylor arrived on a red-eye flight from Chicago. He stood as Jamel’s godfather, and I bent his ear on many an occasion planning surprise parties for Ty’s birthdays, or crazy anniversary ideas I’d come up with. And it was me he came to all love-struck and tongue-tied when he wanted to ask his longtime girlfriend, Tracy, to marry him.

“What if she says no?” he lamented.

“CJ, what if she says yes, fool? You know she will. That’s what’s scaring you.”

He grinned and kissed me on the cheek. “That’s why I dig you, Max. You don’t pull any punches. So—you gonna come with me to pick out a ring, or what?”

Sure, I could call CJ, ask him what was going on with Taylor, but I didn’t think I could stand to hear what I knew would be accusation and disappointment in his voice.

Besides, if Taylor didn’t want to talk to me, if he didn’t want to listen and try to understand, then fine. And CJ certainly didn’t need to know about that—although he probably did, already.

But in the meantime, I still had to get the ball rolling. I was going to New York, to prove something to myself, to Taylor, and to Quinn, once and for all. And, however the pieces fell, I would deal with the consequences.

I made arrangements with Marva to take care of Jamel while I was gone, especially since I had no idea what Taylor’s plans were. I didn’t want to think about it. I left work early, picked up Jamel from day care and took him to Marva’s house. The possibility of Taylor walking out on us was a concept I didn’t want to imagine. Besides, if I gave into Taylor’s real wish for me not to go to New York, what would be next? What else would he not want me to do, and hold the threat of leaving me over my head if I went against him?

That idea took root, giving me the last ounce of determination I needed to do what must be done. Yeah, he had a lot of nerve.

But even as I put my key in the door of the house that Ty and I shared, all the bravado in the world couldn’t have prepared me for what I found.

TAYLOR

Chapter 3
The Bed You Make

The past two days were hell—it’s the only word to describe it, although I could probably think of something more graphic. The folks that worked for me were busy doing their computer thing all around me, but I wasn’t really seeing them.

I was just sitting there trying to figure out where things had gone wrong between me and Max.

I should have known this day was coming, sooner or later. I figured I’d be prepared, that’s all. But there was that part of me—maybe male ego, maybe plain stupidity—that made me think that Maxine and I had this perfect, incredible thing happening between us that would last forever. You know, like in the great American romances. Ha, what a joke. I guess she had other thoughts all along. That’s the thing that’s tearing me up inside. She was playing me.

Suddenly I felt as if I didn’t know her anymore, what she was about. That everything we’d been planning, handling, and dealing with on the day-today these past three years was all a crazy dream. It wasn’t real, not if it could crumble to pieces with one phone call—make her start lying and hiding things from me.

Naw, it isn’t right. I thought, this whole thing is wrong, and it seems there isn’t a damned thing I can do about it. So here I am, thirty-five years old, with my own business, a solid future, and it doesn’t mean a thing.

I looked up, and CJ was grinning down at me. “Hey, Man, you just going to stare at the computer screen all day, or what?” he asked me, punctuating his question with a slap on my back.

Calvin Jackson and I have been hard and fast running partners since sophomore year in high school. Man, the things we haven’t done together could fit on the head of a pin. He’s the closest thing to family I have.

“Just thinking, Man. That’s all.”

CJ pulled up a chair next to my desk and sat down. His brows knitted in concern.

“You look like a bad pot of grits, Man, all lumps and mush. I can give you a razor to get rid of that shadow, unless you’re going for a new look.”

I had to laugh. CJ came up with the most ridiculous visuals. “That bad, huh?”

“Yeah. That’s the watered down version. What’s happening? You been walking like a zombie for days. You’re not sick, are you?”

“Naw.”

“Everything cool at home? ’Cause I know that business is booming. So that ain’t it.”

I looked away for a moment and stared at the web page design I’d been pretending to be working on for the past few hours.

CJ and I started WebMasters about five years ago, just the two of us. Now we have a staff of ten graphic designers and five technicians, and more business than we can handle. He was right. It wasn’t business.

“It’s Max,” I blurted out, as if those two words would somehow explain everything.

“Is she all right, Man? She’s not sick, or anything?”

I shook my head, almost wishing it were something that simple—that she could just take something—a pill, some cough syrup—and everything would be cool.

“No. She’s not sick.”

“Oh, that’s good.’ He waited a beat. “So—what is it?”

I shut off my computer. Couldn’t concentrate, anyway. “It’s that brother from New York, Man.”

CJ’s eyes widened, then narrowed, in that look he always has seconds before he gets really pissed off.

“What about him? Don’t tell me he’s trying to make a move on Maxine. Not after all this time. That’s bulls—”

“It’s not him. At least not like that. It’s Maxine, too.”

“What!” He sat straight up in his seat. “Naw, you’re gonna spell this one out for me, my brother. Not Max,” he hissed between his teeth, then caught himself and took a sidelong glance around the office.

CJ had been the one who’d cautioned me from day one about getting involved with Maxine—especially with her being pregnant with another man’s baby.

“Are you out of your mind, Ty?” he’d asked me one Sunday afternoon in the park after we both nearly collapsed from exhaustion after a game of one-on-one. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself involved in. What if this Quinn dude pops back up and wants to lay claim? This is all rebound, man. You deserve better than that. Just chill a minute before you rush into this thing. I don’t want to see you get all messed up.”

I hadn’t listened. I didn’t want to.

From the first moment I laid eyes on Maxine, I knew she was my soulmate, the one person, who—after years of emotional denial and detachment—turned the light back on in my world. Maxine made me want to trust in being in love and loving again, something I’d thought could never happen. She’d opened her heart to me without expecting anything in return. At the same time, she needed me—and it had been far too long since I felt needed by anyone.

It all happened so suddenly, like an accident, nothing planned—not a blind-date thing. It was as if fate had stepped in and said, “Here, Man, ‘this Bud’s for you.’”

How it went down was that we had just landed our first big client—a corporation with outlets in ten major cities across the country. They wanted us to design their website, as well as install computer systems at all of their locations. This was it. CJ and I had just hit the big time.

The CEO of the company wanted the two of us to fly down to Atlanta to meet with the execs from all of his locations, sign the deal, and start work as of yesterday.

CJ was busy pulling together our bag of tricks for our presentation, and I was assigned the task of handling the flight arrangements. Our hotel, ground transportation, and food were being taken care of on the other end, which was really cool.

There was a travel agency I passed every now and then on my way in and out of town. I believed it was black-owned, and I was all for keeping business “in the family,” so I figured I’d give it a shot.

For the life of me, I couldn’t remember the name of the place, so I went in person which was okay, too, since it was sort of on my way home.

I pulled up in front of the place about six-fifteen or so, just as a woman—who I later discovered was Marva—was hanging the Closed sign in the window.

Dashing across the street I ran up to the door and knocked on the glass.

The same woman who’d just hung up the sign came to the door and mouthed, “We’re closed.” She had the most incredible blue eyes, set against pale skin.

Just as I put on my best “begging” expression and clasped my hands in prayer, the absolutely finest woman I’d seen in a while walked up behind her.

Being what I considered a connoisseur of gorgeous women, I knew this one was way up on the Richter scale.

She was a brown, svelte beauty, the color of mouthwatering chocolate, with a close-cut hairdo that framed her near-perfect face. She had wide, expressive brown eyes and full, kissable lips. Her body was a Playboy photographer’s dream, with long dancer’s legs displayed beneath a short denim skirt that had me thinking all kinds of wild thoughts. She wasn’t busty but full, bringing to mind peaches, ripe and sweet for the picking.

She said something to the woman next to her, who stepped aside as the beauty opened the door.

“Hi. Can I help you?”

Her voice, rich and sweet as honey, slid all over me, and her smile with that little gap in front—oh, Man. I forced myself to concentrate on why I was there.

“I hope so. I know you’re closed, but I’m desperate.”

“We can’t have that.” She grinned. “Come in and let’s see what we can work out. I’m Maxine Sherman,” she said, leading the way into the small, but cozy office.

“Taylor Collins.”

“I’m going to head home, Maxine. Will you be okay?” Blue eyes gave me a sideways glance.

“Sure, Marva. Go on. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Good night,” she said to both of us.

“Night,” we harmonized, and turned to each other and laughed.

“So, where are you so desperate to go, Mr. Collins?” Maxine asked, taking a seat behind a cluttered desk.

“Atlanta. Day after tomorrow.”

“That shouldn’t be a problem. It’ll just cost you a bit more. The short notice,” she added by way of explanation.

“No problem, as long as I get there.”

“Please, have a seat,” she said, indicating a chair next to her desk, and I noticed the slenderness of her long fingers—and no rings.

She shuffled some papers around, actually moving them from one pile into another, and turned on her computer. With a few quick strokes of those lovely fingers she had the reservation screen up. She bit down on her lip in concentration as the information scrolled in front of her.

“There’s a seven a.m. flight available through American Airlines. Is that okay?”

I forced myself to concentrate on what she was saying to keep from focusing on the smoothness of her skin, the sensual movement of her bare fingers, and the way her mouth became an erotic orifice every time she spoke.

“Uh, sure. That sounds fine. I’ll need two tickets. For my partner and me, Calvin,” I added, for some reason, needing her to know that a woman wasn’t involved.

She smiled. “When will you be returning?”

“At least a week. It’s a business trip.”

“Really? I can get you a good rate.” She keyed in some more information. “What kind of business are you in?”

“Web design and computer installation and maintenance.”

“That must keep you busy.”

“Very.” I smiled. “As a matter of fact, this trip is to close a deal with one of the first big clients we’ve had.”

“Congratulations. I hope everything works out for you.”

She continued to type in the information. “Can I arrange for hotel, or car rental?”

“No. The people we’re going to see are taking care of that.”

She smiled again, and I thought my heart had stood still.

“Aren’t you lucky?”

“We’ve worked hard. It’s been a struggle but things are finally coming together.”

She leaned back a bit and looked at me. “I know the feeling.” Her eyes roamed the space. “There were days when I first opened the agency that I thought I’d made a major mistake. But it was my dream, and I was determined to make it work.”

I nodded, experiencing the same thought myself on too many occasions. If not for CJ convincing me to hang in there, I might have given up. Who did she have to cheer her on?

“You’re not from here,” I said after a moment, the rapid pronunciation of her words finally settling in.

“New York. I’ve been here about four years.”

“No kidding? I visited there a couple of times. Tough city.”

“That it is,” she said in what sounded like a faraway voice.

“Miss it?”

“At times.”

She looked away then, but not before I caught the flicker of some painful shadow in her eyes. Her open demeanor seemed to shut down, her body tense every so slightly. I was pretty good at reading body language. That said more to me than anything that came out of folks’ mouths, which was generally whatever they wanted you to believe. But the body—now, that didn’t lie—and Maxine’s body was speaking all the words her lips refused to say. There was a history in New York, one which she’d chosen to put behind her, or so she thought.

She cleared her throat. “How will you be paying for your ticket—cash or charge?” she asked, now all business, the easy banter of moments ago gone in a key stroke.

“Charge. Visa.” I reached into my back pocket, a bad habit, and pulled out my wallet. I handed her my credit card.

“What’s the last name of the other party, your partner?”

“Jackson. Calvin Jackson.”

She processed the card without another word and handed it back. Moments later my tickets were printed out.

“Here you are.”

She smiled, but the sparkle was gone from her eyes. I wanted to ask her what was wrong. Was it something I’d said? But some instinct told me to leave it alone.

And then all of a sudden she looked at me, her eyes glistening as if she were about to cry.

“You ever wish you could go back and do something over?” she asked, suddenly. “Something you’d really screwed up, something that maybe if you’d said something, had done something, everything would have been different?”

I wasn’t sure where the question had come from, or where the conversation was heading, but I could see that this was no out of the blue inquiry that could be tossed off with some pat response. She really wanted—needed—an answer. A truthful one.

I thought about it for a moment. Yeah, there were definitely some episodes in my life that I’d like to go back and fix. Like the fact that I didn’t know who my family was, or that the one woman who I’d finally given my heart to, Karen Long, had gotten rid of our baby that she’d carried.

“How can I have a baby from a man who doesn’t even know who he is? Suppose there are some maniac genes or something in your family?” she’d said, as if she’d done nothing more than take out the garbage. Humph, garbage.

But maybe she was right. I didn’t know and had no way to prove otherwise. For as long as I lived I’d never be more than one big question mark.

That was almost six years ago, but the revelation took its toll. From that day on, I never looked at relationships with women, family, or myself the same way. And I believed there was a part of me that would never be whole. How could I offer myself to anyone when I didn’t know who I really was?

“Yes,” I finally answered, “but you can’t go back. All you can do is deal with the reality, make the best of it, and move on.”

She looked at me, wide-eyed and hopeful, and a place inside of me seemed to shift, crack open. I almost heard the hinges creak from lack of use. A part of me that had been dead—stirred, struggling for resurrection. But everything I was, had been, had ever been dealt, beat it back down.

Shoving the tickets into my shirt pocket, I stood. “Thank you for all you help. Sorry to have kept you. I’m sure there must be a family to go home to.”

She hesitated a moment. “No. Just me.”

Her answer pulled me up short. I couldn’t imagine a woman like Maxine not having something waiting for her to walk through the door.

I slung my hands into my pants pockets, and for the life of me, right up to today, I don’t know where the next words that fell out of my mouth came from.

“Hey, since, I kept you—if you don’t have any plans—maybe we can go for a quick bite to eat.”

She smiled, not a come-on smile or anything, but sort of shy and unsure.

“That’s really nice of you, but I don’t think so. Thank you, anyway.”

I shrugged. “Hey, no problem. Just a thought. Thanks for your help.” I turned to leave.

“Maybe some other time.” It was more of a question than a statement, halting me midstride, cast out like bait on a hook.

I turned back around, and there was that half-smile again.

I nodded. “Cool. Some other time, then. Maybe when I get back from Atlanta.”

“Okay.”

“Take care, Maxine.”

“You, too.”

The entire week that CJ and I spent in Atlanta, all I could think about was Maxine. I couldn’t quite put my finger on whatever it was about her that had hit me. Maybe it was that moment of vulnerability I saw in her eyes, or the sensation that she’d stirred in me that made me want to take care of her and protect her—even though she seemed to have it all together, cloaked in an undeniable aura of sensuality.

Whatever it was, I couldn’t seem to shake it, and the realization unnerved me. For too long I didn’t allow myself to experience any real feelings for a woman, and I wasn’t sure what to do with them now, how to handle it. I figured I’d rap with CJ about it. Even though he wasn’t married or anything, he’d been hooked up with Tracy for what seemed like forever. What was always cool about my friendship with CJ over the years was that we could always be honest with each other, even about the dumbest stuff, how we felt from deep inside, crazy ideas we had, the things that scared us. And it was always cool.

CJ was the only person besides me who knew the real deal about me and my family, how it made me feel like half a man not knowing who they were, and what Karen had done to our baby. No one but CJ knew how that almost destroyed me, but he hung in there with me, stayed solid, stayed my man.

But even for me, trying to explain what was going on with this chick Maxine was a bit much.

We were sitting in the hotel bar in Atlanta, relaxing, taking in the sights and sounds. CJ was on his second screwdriver, while I nursed my rum and Coke. Can’t quite say when we decided these were our drinks of choice. Maybe one of those Saturday night basement parties from back in the day—the ones where it was black as pitch, with the purple light that made all the lint show up on our clothes, and almost all of the music was slow so that we could grind with our girls up against the wall or in some corner, and B.Y.O.B. was a requirement for entry. Yeah, maybe it was one of those. But that’s another story.

Anyway, CJ and I were just kicking it, not talking about anything special, just some of the stuff we needed to be ready for the next day, when CJ spotted these two fine sisters sliding onto the stools on the opposite side from us.

“Hmm. Check them out,” he said over the rim of his glass.

I looked. One reminded me of Iman, the supermodel, and the other looked like an older version of Brandy, the singer. Neither one of them looked like Maxine. Maybe Iman, around the eyes.

“Not bad,” I said.

“Not bad! Brother, are you blind?”

“Not the last time I checked. Just not interested. And with Tracy back in Frisco waiting for you, you shouldn’t be interested, either.”

He gave me a hard, get ready to rumble look, but knowing that those days were behind him I just ignored it.

“You know, Ty, I hate it when you’re right.” He took a sip of his drink. “But hey, just because I’m in love doesn’t mean I have to roll over and play dead.” He chuckled and ordered another drink. “My eyes are still workin’, even if my heart is under lock and key.” He patted his chest for extra drama.

I glanced at him for a moment and knew from the faraway look in his eyes that he was thinking about Tracy. That was my opening.

“CJ, Man—”

“Yeah?”

“How did you know that Tracy was the one for you?”

The corner of his mouth curved up in a slow grin. “Hmm.” He took another sip of his refreshed drink. “Sometimes I think it was when we first made love.” He shut his eyes for a minute and shook his head. “Blew my mind. But then other times I think that couldn’t have been it, because it wouldn’t have been that fantastic if everything else wasn’t already in place.” He turned to me. “Know what I mean?”

“Yeah.”

“Humph. Other times I think it was our first kiss, or the time we both cut out from work and had a picnic in the park.”

His brows rose and fell in thought. “But I guess it was the way she made me feel almost from the moment I met her, Man. It was just easy and right, like we’d been waiting all our lives for that day. Something just clicked.”

He angled his head in my direction and flashed me that scowl again.

“Why, Bro? Think you’ve run into Ms. Heavensent?”

I shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Oh, no.” He chuckled. “You’re not gettin’ off that light. Let’s hear it. Who is she, and why haven’t I met her?”

“I just met her myself—at the travel agency when I went to get our tickets.”

“And—”

“And that’s it.” I took a long swallow of my drink.

“Oh, no it isn’t. I know you just want to spill your guts. So you might as well get it over with.”

I could feel his gaze burning into the side of my face. He wasn’t going to let up until I told him, and I wanted to, anyway.

“I don’t know, Man,” I said, trying to find a way to explain what was going on in my head. Then it dawned on me. “I guess it’s like what happened with you and Tracy. Something just clicked.”

CJ just stared at me, seemingly at a loss for a quick comeback, which was his usual style.

“Man, don’t sit there looking at me like I have two heads.”

He stared cracking up. “Ty, Man, I never thought I’d see the day when something clicked for you. I always figured you’d stay on the prowl until they had to cart you away. Tracy is going to love this. Now maybe she can stop playing matchmaker.”

Tracy’s mission in life was to hook me up with everyone from her second cousin and her hairdresser to her sorority sisters. If nothing else, she was persistent. Should things work out with me and Maxine, then maybe I could safely visit CJ on a Saturday night without the fear of a setup in the works.

CJ tossed down the last of his drink and then grew serious. He turned to me. “So, what’s she like—”

We returned to Frisco late in the day Friday and, like a man possessed, the first thing I did when I dropped my bags at the foot of my bed was to call the travel agency.

“Sherman Travel. May I help you?”

I started to hang up. It was probably a stupid idea, calling like that. She was probably just being nice when she said—

“Hello? May I help you? Hello?”

“Uh, hello. I was trying to reach…Maxine…Sherman.”

“Hold on, please.”

Oh, man, this was not a good idea. I felt like a total idiot.

“Hello?”

That voice again. My insides started to knot up. “Hello, Maxine?”

“Yes. Who’s this?”

“Taylor Collins, from the other day. I bought the tickets—”

“Hi! How are you?”

She actually sounded happy to hear from me. The knot started to loosen. “Fine. Just got back in.”

“How was your trip?”

“Hectic, but productive. Thanks for working things out for me.”

“Please…no problem. It’s what we do.”

“So, how have you been?” I asked, feeling more ridiculous by the minute.

“Incredibly busy.”

I heard her soft laughter and it made me smile. “That must mean business is good.”

“Absolutely. I’m not complaining.”

We were both quiet for a moment. I could hear voices in the background and I guessed her assistant, Marva, was tapping on the computer keys for a customer.

“I, uh, guess I should let you get back to work. I know you’re busy.”

“Okay. It was good hearing from you. I’m glad you had a successful trip.”

“Thanks again.”

“Sure.”

We both seemed to be suspended in air, holding our breath, hoping that the drop wouldn’t be fatal. Then we both spoke at once.

“Taylor, I—”

“I was hoping I could—” We both laughed. “Ladies first.”

She cleared her throat, then hesitated as if maybe she’d changed her mind. “I thought maybe if you weren’t busy tomorrow night, there’s an outdoor jazz concert in the park—”

I chuckled. “I was getting ready to ask you the same thing.”

“So I guess that’s a yes?” I could almost hear the smile in her voice.

“Definitely. Maybe we could grab a bite before showtime, then head on over.”

“I have a better idea. I, uh, try to be careful what I eat…these days. So why don’t I fix some snacks and we can take them to the park?”

“Well, I don’t want to just be bringing my long arms. What can I do?

“Hmmm. Bring a blanket and something to drink. Juice or water,” she added quickly.

Guess she didn’t drink, I thought, and stored the information away. “No problem. I think I can handle that. Is six good?”

“Fine.”

I let out a relieved breath. “So…I’ll see you tomorrow at six.”

“Yes. Six. I’m working tomorrow, so you can pick me up here.”

“Yeah, me, too. I’ll be there. Good night, Maxine.”

“Night.”

And it was then I knew I wanted to say good night to Maxine every night of my life.

By the time I pulled up across the street from Sherman travel for my date with Maxine, I was shaking like something with a bad case of the willies. I’d been pretty much useless at work, couldn’t stay focused. All I could think about was that I wanted tonight to be perfect. I knew I was acting like this was the first time I’d been out with a woman, which was far from true, but I couldn’t get rid of that twitchy sensation in my stomach. And if CJ said, “Just be cool,” one more time, we would come to blows.

“Maybe Tracy and I’ll come and check you out at the park,” he’d said just before we got ready to head out for the day.

Although most computer firms did the regular five day, nine to five, WebMasters was a twenty-four hour, seven-day-a-week operation. I couldn’t count the times in the beginning when we got calls at home in the middle of the night from clients whose systems went down. After a few months of that, we decided to expand the hours. Then it was days. It was rough at first with the small staff, but now twenty-four-seven was a way of life.