“It’s our first Christmas together.”

“Our first Christmas,” Elise repeated as they touched their glasses together. They sat for a while, just enjoying the moment and this quiet time together, but Elise had to tell Jake how she felt or she thought she’d burst.

“I saw the cradle,” she said quietly. “It’s beautiful. I can’t believe you ordered it.”

He swirled the wine in his glass and leaned back on his elbow. “I didn’t.”

“Sure you did. I saw it.”

“I made the cradle.”

“What?”

“I made the cradle,” he repeated.

“Oh, Jake, why?”

“Because I wanted a baby, too.”

Silence followed his words and Elise knew he wasn’t telling her his true feelings. “There’s another reason, isn’t there?”

The words were in his throat, but he couldn’t force them out. He’d waited for this moment forever, but fear kept him silent, kept him prisoner, kept him chained to the past. He found it hard to express something he felt so intensely, especially since his ghost was always there.

Elise took a breath. “Say it, Jake.”

Dear Reader,

A Baby by Christmas is the story of a couple, Jake and Elise McCain, who get married for the wrong reason—to have a baby. Their plans begin to unravel when they discover Jake already has a child by another woman. The book is about how two people struggle with this situation, how they learn to cope and, most important, how they find love. It’s also about a special little boy named Ben who changes their lives.

This book is a little different than my others, but I hope you will enjoy it no less. May the Christmas season embrace you and your families as you journey with Jake and Elise to find the true meaning of love.

Happy holidays,

Linda Warren

You can reach me at LW1508@aol.com, superauthors.com, or visit my Web site www.lindawarren.net, or you can write me at P.O. Box 5182, Bryan, TX 77805. Your letter will always be answered.

A Baby by Christmas
Linda Warren

DEDICATION

This book is about a special little boy, so I dedicate it to the special little boys (the great ones) in my life:

John Fuller, Matt Fuller, Jake Fuller, Josh Rychlik, Tyler Phillips, Layne Tharp, Scott Patranella and Taylor Siegert.

And to Ty Siegert, a special nephew, who never fails to ask about my books.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHAPTER TWELVE

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

EPILOGUE

CHAPTER ONE

A BABY. A BABY. A BABY.

The words resounded in Jake McCain’s head as he entered the house. He stopped and took a deep breath. Damn, he hated this. It ruined his whole workday. Then why was he here? Because he didn’t hate it. It was just so…hell, he couldn’t explain it to himself. Elise had called and he’d come running. Ever since he’d met her he seemed to be jumping through hoops. At times it irked him, like today; at others he found it quite enjoyable. That was the problem with their relationship, their marriage—he never knew what the hell was going to happen next. But he’d signed on for better or worse…and a baby.

“Jake, is that you?”

“Yes,” he shouted from the kitchen.

“I’m in the bedroom.”

Where else would she be? he thought with resignation. He made his way to the living room and paused for a moment. The room was completely white with touches of silver and mauve. There wasn’t a comfortable chair anywhere, and after a long day he needed a place to relax other than the bedroom. Everything in there was white, too, but he had ways of blocking it out. Why he’d let Elise convince him to live here he had no idea. She could make him do the impossible, though, even live in the city among these houses all crowded together. He was beginning to think she had him under a spell, because he wasn’t acting like himself.

He needed to tell her how he felt.

ELISE WEBER MCCAIN SLIPPED out of her suit and under-clothes and reached for a silk robe. She didn’t bother with a gown. She didn’t need one—all she needed was Jake and his sperm. They’d been married for six months and they were trying for a baby. That was the reason they’d gotten married; they were two people who wanted the same thing—a child.

At thirty-five, Elise had been certain she’d never fall in love again. Ten years ago, after a year of marriage, she’d lost the love of her life, Derek Weber, in a plane crash. Heartbroken, she sank into depression, then eventually picked herself up and went back to school and got her Ph.D. Now she was a professor of American literature and had the respect of her peers. In her professional life everything was perfect, but her personal life had been nonexistent—until she met Jake.

It had happened unexpectedly. She was traveling home to Waco, Texas, from a lecture at Rice University when she got a flat tire between Marlin and Waco. It was almost dark and she was in the middle of nowhere. She’d taken out her cell phone to call for assistance when a truck pulled up. She was nervous about a stranger stopping to help her, but as soon as the man, who was tall with strong, chiseled features, introduced himself, her fears vanished. She was acquainted with Jake’s mother and his brothers and stepfather. They belonged to the same country club as Elise and her family, and Elise had heard of Jake’s estrangement from his mother. Althea had left her husband for another man; her ten-year-old son, Jake, wouldn’t go with her, so he’d stayed with his father. After that, Althea had had little contact with Jake and Elise knew that troubled her a great deal. She’d heard Althea talk about him for years and it was an odd twist of fate that he’d stopped to help her…or maybe it was meant to be.

Elise didn’t find Jake’s brothers as interesting as Jake. He was kind, honest, forthright. Not that his brothers weren’t, but with Jake it was different. She couldn’t explain it. She was only aware that she felt drawn to him in a way she hadn’t experienced in a long time.

When she’d tried to pay him for fixing her flat, he’d refused. The next week she’d phoned and invited him to dinner as a thank you. Why she’d done that, she had no idea. Asking a man out was so unlike her, but she’d wanted him to know how much she’d appreciated his kindness. To her delight, he accepted.

Her mother and sister were appalled at her actions. They’d told her Jake McCain wasn’t their kind and that Althea’s other sons were more suitable. She’d ignored them. Her mother and sister were snobs and she’d struggled with their attitudes all her life.

Elise had enjoyed that first date. They’d discussed all kinds of things and Elise learned a lot about Jake McCain. He ran the McCain farm, which extended along the Brazos River Bottom from parts of Highbank and Marlin to Waco, and raised cotton and corn like his father, who expected Jake to follow in his footsteps. He’d added that he’d farmed all his life.

When she’d told him she knew his brothers, Beau and Caleb, he wasn’t surprised, but he was quick to remind her that Caleb was his half brother and he’d never met him. That made her so sad, and even sadder when he wouldn’t talk about his mother. The subject was clearly off limits.

That was one small thing that bothered her about Jake. Everything else she liked. He was easy to be with and he listened with such compassion. He made her feel as if her problems were important, and she’d found herself telling him about her marriage, how much she’d loved her husband and how her whole world had come apart the day he died. She also told him she wanted a baby—she couldn’t believe she’d brought that up. She and Derek had planned a family, but after his death she’d pushed that idea to the back of her mind. As she grew older, though, she found herself thinking once again about having a baby.

Jake surprised her by saying he’d love a child, too. After a few dates and several conversations on the subject, she was asking him to marry her. Just like that, out of the blue, no second thoughts. He was shocked, understandably so. But they both wanted the same thing very badly. Even though they weren’t in love, the arrangement seemed perfect.

When he agreed, she was thrilled. Her mother and sister told her she was losing her mind and obsessed with having a baby. They begged her to take some time, but as usual she’d ignored them and married Jake, anyway. They were married by a justice of the peace and spent their honeymoon at her house—in her bed. Jake was everything she wanted in a lover, in a husband.

She glanced at the full bed with its lacy white comforter and bed skirt. Their first night she’d been so nervous, but she and Jake were very compatible in that area and she’d responded to him in ways that surprised her. She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting, but it certainly wasn’t warm, tantalizing kisses that drove her to a frenzied state. Jake’s touch brought out her sensual, passionate nature, and sometimes it made her angry, because she always believed that part of her belonged to Derek. But she had to admit when she was with Jake, she never thought of Derek. Jake became her main focus…and she was uncertain how she felt about that.

JAKE MOVED TOWARD THE BEDROOM. He had to see her, then he’d forget about his negative feelings. That was the way it was with him: one look at her and nothing else mattered. She folded the comforter, looked up and smiled. She was beautiful with her slim, curved body and patrician features, but it was those soft, inviting blue eyes that always pulled him in. The natural blond hair didn’t hurt, either. His bad mood evaporated.

“Hi.” She continued to smile.

He clenched his jaw and pushed attraction for her aside. He had to talk to her, make her understand that he wasn’t a puppet on a string.

“I’m in the middle of harvesting a cotton crop and that makes it rather difficult to drop everything and hurry over here,” he said in a rush.

She placed the comforter on a chair and tucked her hair back behind her ears. It was medium-length and hung like a bell around her face. “You should’ve said you were busy.”

“Yes, I…should…have.” His words got slower and slower as he glimpsed her body through the opening of her robe. He wanted her. It was that simple, that basic. It had been like that since he’d met her. Regardless of how irritated and frustrated he felt, it still didn’t change the effect she had on him.

She stood in front of him and began to unbutton his shirt. “I’m sorry I interrupted you, but according to my calculations this is the perfect time, and I thought we could spend the afternoon making our dream a reality. Pregnant by Christmas, isn’t that our goal?”

“Elise…” he began, then forgot what he was going to say as she ran her hands across his chest, lightly, provocatively, then tasted the warmth of his skin with her lips. Desire ripped through him and his breathing became labored. She unbuckled his belt, stepped backward and guided him toward the bed. All the words he’d planned to say went right out of his head. Elise, her allure, encompassed every part of him.

He quickly slipped out of his clothes. He’d left his boots in the garage by the door—afraid of getting something dirty. Another thing he was tired of doing—but he never grew tired of this. His arms circled her small waist and he drew her against him, skin against skin, his lips taking hers in an urgent, hungry kiss.

Her soft curves melted into him as he placed her on the bed. His lips and hands found those curves with eagerness and he soared with all the emotions she brought to life in him.

“This is the right day,” she breathed against his lips.

“We’ve been trying for six months, but this has to be our time.”

“Shh,” he said in a ragged tone, his lips trailing to her neck. She liked to talk about getting pregnant when they were making love. He didn’t.

“I should’ve been pregnant by now, Jake. I want to be pregnant.”

“Shh,” he said again, kissing her mouth. That was the only way to keep her from talking and he needed to taste, to feel every nuance of her. His body moved to cover hers and nothing else was said for some time.

Afterward Jake tried to move away, but Elise held him tight. “No, don’t,” she said, her legs and arms like a vise around him. “I read that if a man stays inside longer the sperm has more of a chance.”

Jake groaned and buried his face in her damp neck. That was all she thought about—having a baby—and there was a stack of books on conception by the bed. She was obsessed with the idea, and he couldn’t make her see that they had to let it happen naturally.

After a moment Jake rolled to the side and Elise turned around and placed her legs on the headboard and shoved a pillow beneath her hips.

“What are you doing?” he asked out of curiosity, but he should have known better.

“I also read that if a woman holds her legs in an upward position, it gives the sperm a much better chance of reaching the egg.”

He shook his head and got up, then found his scattered clothes on the floor and began to put them on.

“Jake, please don’t dress. We need to have sex again in a little while. We have to make sure.”

He stopped in the process of buttoning his shirt. Sex. That was what they were having. Love had nothing to do with it. Was that what bothered him? He caught sight of the picture on the nightstand—Derek Weber, Elise’s dead husband. That bothered him even more. Elise didn’t need Jake McCain; any man would have done. He’d just been crazy enough to go along with her wishes. That was the crux of his irritation. He didn’t like being used, but that was the way he’d begun to feel.

“I’m not a machine,” he muttered.

She turned so she could see him. “Is something wrong?”

“Yes.”

“If you have to get back to the farm, we can try tonight.”

God, the woman had a one-track mind, and he wondered if she even saw him as a person. Was he nothing more than a sperm bank?

“Elise…” The doorbell interrupted him. He looked at her. “Are you expecting anyone?”

“No, I…oh, I forgot. A woman phoned earlier. A Ms. Woods. She said she had to speak with you and that she’d be by later.”

“I don’t know any Ms. Woods. Did she say what she wanted?” He couldn’t imagine why anyone would try to reach him at Elise’s. Everyone called him at the farm. He only slept here—and had sex.

“She said that your aunt had given her this number and it was important.”

That explained it. It was probably some minor farm business Aunt Vin didn’t know how to handle. The doorbell rang again as he stuffed his shirt into his jeans. His boots were in the garage so he’d have to answer the door barefoot. He hurried to the foyer.

A woman with short brown hair and light green eyes stood on the doorstep. She held a briefcase in one hand. She was pretty and somewhere in her thirties and Jake didn’t recognize her.

“Jake McCain?” she asked politely.

“Yes,” he answered.

“I’m Carmen Woods.” She held out her hand and he shook it. A salesperson, he guessed. He had to get rid of her so he could talk to Elise.

“May I come in?”

“I’m kind of busy. Could we do this another time?”

“It’s very important.”

“Ms. Woods, I…”

“I’m from the Harris County Children’s Protective Services, Mr. McCain, and it can’t wait.”

Children’s Protective Services. What the hell did they want with him? They had to have the wrong person. He could clear this up easily, he was sure.

He stepped aside and she entered the living area. Elise came out of the bedroom in a white robe and Jake introduced them.

“I’m sorry if I’m interrupting,” Ms. Woods apologized as she took in Elise’s attire.

“That’s okay,” Jake said. “But I believe you have me confused with someone else.”

“I don’t think so, Mr. McCain. Just let me explain.”

“Okay.” Jake still felt she had the wrong man, but he was willing to listen. “Have a seat.”

Elise and Jake sat on the sofa and Ms. Woods took the Queen Anne chair. “I’m glad you’re here, Mrs. McCain. This concerns you, too.” She opened her briefcase and took out some papers.

“Oh” was all Elise said.

“Mr. McCain, do you know a Sherry Carr?”

Jake frowned. “Sherry? Yeah, I met her about, gosh, maybe four years ago. I went to Texas A&M for a program on increasing cotton production and she worked at the hotel where I stayed. We dated, but it didn’t work out. I haven’t seen her since.”

“Then you knew her…very well.”

His frown deepened. “What are you getting at, Ms. Woods?”

“Are you aware that Sherry has a son?”

Jake shook his head. “No, she never mentioned a son.”

She pulled a paper from the ones in her hand. “I’m not sure how to tell you this, but I’ve learned that it’s best just to come out with it. Your name is on his birth certificate.”

“What!” Jake and Elise said simultaneously.

Ms. Woods leaned over and handed him the paper. It was a copy of a birth certificate and there, in black and white, he was listed as the father. Elise moaned softly. Jake wanted to reassure her, but he kept staring at his name, trying to make sense of what he was reading.

“This can’t be true,” he said in a low voice. “I was only with her for a week and we always used protection. And she said she was on the pill. Why she put my name on the birth certificate is beyond me unless…” His eyes narrowed. “Is she trying to extort child support from me?”

“It’s nothing like that, Mr. McCain,” Ms. Woods said firmly.

“Then what is it like, Ms. Wood, because you’d better tell me and fast.”

“Ben’s grandmother passed away two weeks ago. By the way, his name is Benjamin, but everyone calls him Ben. He just turned three.”

Jake had noticed that on the document. Benjamin Jake. Sherry had even named the boy after him. Why would she do that? They had not parted on amicable terms.

“As I was saying, Ben lived with his grandmother. Sherry left him with her mother and she called a couple of times, but no one’s heard from her in years. The authorities have searched, and they can’t find a trace of her. Mrs. Carr was worried because Sherry’s boyfriend was involved with drugs.”

“That’s why I stopped seeing her,” Jake said quietly. “I caught her doing cocaine in the bathroom and that was it for me.”

There was silence for a moment, then Ms. Woods spoke, “Mr. McCain, this little boy is all alone and we’re trying to find his father.”

Jake met her gaze. “I’m not him.”

“Are you positive of that?”

He stared at the brocade drapes and wished he could say with certainty that the boy wasn’t his, but he couldn’t. They’d used protection. Maybe it didn’t work. If it didn’t, then…

“No,” he admitted reluctantly.

Elise moaned again and Jake wanted to tell her it wasn’t true, but he really didn’t know.

“There’s an easy way to find out,” Ms. Woods said.

Through his confusion, Jake breathed one word, “How?”

“A DNA test. It’s a simple blood test and it’ll tell us if you’re Ben’s biological father or not.”

Jake didn’t say anything. This was so unreal, but he felt that if he had a son, surely he’d have some inkling, something…

“Is there a possibility that someone else is the father?” Elise asked into the silence.

“Yes,” Ms. Woods replied. “We know there were two other men she was seeing at the time.”

“Have they taken a DNA test?”

“No, we’re starting with Mr. McCain, but I have appointments set up with the other men as well.”

“I see.”

Ms. Woods’s gaze centered on Jake. “Are you willing to take the test?”

He rubbed his hands together. “Yes,” he replied, knowing this was hurting Elise, but he had to do it to ease his mind.

Ms. Woods reached over and handed him a card. “That’s the name and address of a lab here in Waco. You can have it done first thing in the morning and—” she reached into her purse “—I’ll leave my card in case you have any questions.” She laid it on the table. “I work out of the Houston office, but I’ll be here until tomorrow to finalize the paperwork.”

He fingered the card in his hand. “How long will it take before we have the results?”

“A week or two, maybe more. Depends how busy they are.”

“I see,” he said, studying the card. “I’d like it done as soon as possible.”

Ms. Woods rose to her feet. “I’ll put a rush on it. Maybe that will help. If you’re not the father, I have to keep searching.”

“What…what does he look like?” Jake asked, suddenly needing to know. He felt Elise stiffen beside him.

“Actually, a lot like you. He has brown eyes and hair, and a smile that’ll steal your heart. He’s a well-mannered, adorable little boy. His grandmother raised him well.”

Elise jumped up and ran to the bedroom.

“I’m sorry if I’ve upset her,” Ms. Woods said.

Jake got to his feet. Upset was a mild word for what they were about to go through. He’d never expected this and he damn well didn’t plan it. They had to face it, though. He was hoping they’d face it together, but he wasn’t sure.

“I’ll call when I get the lab results,” Ms. Woods added, and Jake showed her to the door. Earlier he’d been feeling irritated. Now he was stunned and wondering how to explain this to Elise. He’d had sex with another woman, but that was years before he’d met her. If the boy was his, though, it wasn’t going to make a difference. Their marriage, such as it was, would be over. He knew that for a fact.

ELISE PACED BACK AND FORTH in the bedroom, her movements agitated. A child. Jake could have a child—with another woman. No, she was going to have Jake’s baby. She ran her hand over her flat stomach. It could be conceived already—growing inside her. Jake couldn’t possibly have a child. It would ruin everything they’d planned. She’d waited and waited and…

Jake stepped into the room and she swung around to confront him. “He can’t be yours. He can’t,” she cried desperately, not even recognizing her own voice.

He shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

A sob left her throat.

“It wasn’t intentional. I met Sherry years ago.”

“She was a drug addict.” Her words sounded more accusing than she’d intended.

His jaw tightened and he picked up his socks from the floor. “I’m going to the farm. I’ll give you some time to cool off.”

She bit her lip. “You can’t leave. We haven’t talked.”

“Maybe tomorrow.”

“You’re not coming back tonight?”

“No, I need time to think.”

She waved a hand. “So you’re just…leaving?”

“Yes,” he replied woodenly.

“That won’t help.”

He watched her for a second. “As I said, we both need some time right now. You’re upset and I’m in a state of shock. I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret later.”

“Fine,” she snapped, astounded by how much his words hurt her.

He nodded and walked out.

“Jake…Jake…don’t go.” But no one heard her plea. Painful silence echoed through her and she started to cry. The future was so bright and now… She caught sight of Derek’s picture. Derek wouldn’t hurt me like this…never. With Derek’s picture in her hand, she curled up on the bed. More tears followed.

After a while, she wiped her eyes and sat up. What was wrong with her? She was overreacting—dramatically. The boy probably wasn’t even Jake’s and she’d spoken impulsively and selfishly. Now she’d have to spend the night alone. She stared at the photo in her arms. A picture wasn’t much company in the middle of the night and she’d gotten used to having Jake in her bed.

Please don’t let the boy be Jake’s, she prayed.

JAKE SLEPT IN HIS OWN BED for the first time in months, but it wasn’t the same. He kept reaching for Elise. She had a habit of snuggling into him, and then he’d wrap his arms around her. He could almost smell her perfume, her feminine scent. He got out of bed and went to the kitchen for a glass of milk and a banana. He sat at the table in his underwear and took a look around the room. Everything was new and shiny. Mistakenly thinking Elise would want to live here, he’d had the farmhouse completely redone. The house had belonged to his grandfather and had a wraparound porch and lots of mullioned windows for air circulation. But Jake had installed central air and heat years ago. Still, the house retained the ambience of older days. He’d painted it inside and out, put on a new roof and given it a makeover that included new appliances, enlarging the master bedroom and adding its own private bath. There’d been only one bathroom in the house and Jake had also installed a bath in the utility room. He put as much white as he could in the house because Elise liked it, but there was a lot of natural wood, which he kept. The result was very rustic with a modern touch. He’d done everything for Elise.

He ran both hands over his face. They’d gotten married in such a hurry and it had seemed logical to live in Elise’s house because it was close to the university, as Elise had pointed out. Her days were full with teaching, and her summer schedule had already been planned with graduate students—he saw very little of her except at night. Of course, he was occupied harvesting a corn crop and watching over his planted cotton, too. Both their lives were so busy and they’d never talked about where they would eventually live. Was he crazy to think she’d ever come here?

He’d certainly hoped that she would, because all he could see in his future was Elise and he knew he’d fallen…His whole body jerked as the thought ran through him like an electrical shock. In love with her. Love? What the hell did he know about love? Not a thing, he answered himself. He knew that it hurt and he was feeling a lot of that, plus a few other emotions that left a hollow ache in his belly, not to mention his heart. Was this love? How did it happen? And when?

Maybe it was that first time he looked into her blue eyes or when he’d kissed her or made love to her. Made love? Oh, God, he was making love and she was having sex. He recognized the difference. Painfully.

Somehow his feelings had deepened between that first look and the many heated encounters. Now what? He wasn’t familiar with this type of love, but it was a powerful feeling. That was what all the irritation was about. Elise didn’t love him. If she did, she would’ve tried to be supportive about the possibility of his having a son. Instead she was blaming him for an indiscretion he wasn’t even aware he’d committed. A son? He could have a son. The realization threatened to overwhelm him, but he couldn’t dwell on it or the what-ifs. First, he had to have the truth.

He heard a noise and saw Wags, his dog, coming through the doggy door. Wags rested his head on Jake’s thigh and Jake rubbed his ears. Wags was a medium-size, yellowish-brown Labrador retriever mix. Mike, his foreman, had gotten him as a puppy and given him to Jake. Wags wagged his tail constantly, as he was doing now, hence his name.

“Where you been, boy?” Jake asked, continuing to stroke him. “Out chasing rabbits?”

Wags growled.

“What are you gonna do if you ever catch one?” Jake laughed.

Wags barked.

He got up and opened a can of dog food and spooned it into his dish. Wags gobbled up the food, his tail working overtime. “Life is pretty simple for you, isn’t it, boy? No responsibility, no worries, or guilty conscience. Just basic primal needs.”

Jake returned to the table; Wags followed and curled up beside his chair. His thoughts turned to Sherry. She’d been friendly, helpful and outgoing, and he was attracted to her energetic personality. His room at the hotel had a water leak in the bathroom and she’d quickly arranged a move to a suite, even though the hotel was crowded. To make up for his inconvenience, she offered to buy his dinner. He assumed she’d meant the hotel would pay for his dinner, but when he went down, she was sitting at his table. He didn’t mind. She was pretty and good company. Being away from home, he found it pleasant to have someone to talk to.

When they returned to his room, she began to rip off his clothes and he knew she wasn’t the woman he’d thought she was. But he didn’t do much resisting. Later in the week, he found her in the bathroom doing cocaine. He didn’t want anything else to do with her and told her so. She called him a few names and that was the last he’d seen of her. Could she have already been pregnant? They’d used a condom and she’d said she was on the pill, so there was no way she could have gotten pregnant. No way. The little boy had brown eyes and hair and Jake’s name was on his birth certificate. Those facts kept torturing him.

He sighed tiredly. No, he wouldn’t do this to himself. Tomorrow he’d take the blood test and wait. The results would determine the rest of his life—a life with or without Elise.

CHAPTER TWO

THE NEXT MORNING JAKE WOKE up to the smell of bacon frying and knew he was home. Wags was asleep on his mat in Jake’s room. When Jake rolled out of bed, Wags trotted into the kitchen, enticed by the smell of food. Jake hurriedly dressed, trying not to think about Elise and how it felt to wake up with his arms around her.

Aunt Lavina stood at the stove—a short, thin woman with permed gray hair and blue eyes. She was his father’s sister and Jake had always called her Aunt Vin; everyone did. She’d never married or had children and when Althea left, she came to help raise Jake and she’d been at the farm ever since. She’d worked as a secretary for years, but now she was retired.

“Morning, Aunt Vin.” Jake kissed her cheek.

She raised an eyebrow at him. “The honeymoon over?”

He was well aware she was referring to the fact that he’d slept in his own bed last night and he avoided the question.

“Mmm, that smells good.”

Aunt Vin gave Wags a piece of bacon, then set a plate of eggs, bacon and homemade biscuits in front of Jake. “I knew this was going to happen. Any woman who isn’t interested enough to even come here and see the beautiful work you’ve done to this house is not good enough for you. I’m glad you’ve finally realized that. The only interest you had in her was making the bedsprings sag.”

Sex had been a big part of their relationship. Hell, it was the only relationship they had. They hadn’t built any type of foundation to sustain the news they’d received yesterday.

Ignoring her words, Jake bit into a biscuit. At Elise’s, they usually had muffins and fruit in the mornings, and now the big breakfast seemed too much.

“I’ve got bingo tonight, so you’ll have to fix your own supper. I’m not missing bingo.” She put the frying pan in the sink. “Some woman’s been calling. Did she get you?”

Jake put down his fork. “Yeah, I talked to her.”

“I just hope Mattie isn’t there tonight. She always manages to win. I believe she’s cheating and I wish I could catch her.”

Aunt Vin was on another channel as usual—at times it was hard to keep up with her.

“So what did the woman want?” she asked abruptly.

Jake wondered how much to tell her, but then made the decision. Aunt Vin was like a mother to him and he had to share this with someone. He told her about Ms. Woods and Ben. Aunt Vin just stared at him.

“A son? You could have a son?”

“Yes. I have to take a DNA test and then we’ll know.”

She clapped her hands. “Oh my, there hasn’t been a child in this house for years.” She looked down at Wags, who was begging for more bacon. “Isn’t that great, Wags?”

Wags growled.

“Aunt Vin, you’re not listening to me. I said might. I have to take a test, so don’t start planning anything.”

“Okay, okay, don’t get riled up,” she said, giving Wags another piece of bacon.

“I just want you to be aware of what’s going on.”

Aunt Vin smiled. “Oh, now I see. That’s why the fancy lady kicked you out. She’s not happy with this development.”

“Please don’t call her that,” Jake said, hating that Aunt Vin didn’t like Elise. But Elise hadn’t made any effort to get to know her, either. Still, Jake found himself defending his wife. “And no, she’s not happy. No woman would be.”

“Well, well, well,” Aunt Vin murmured, pouring him more coffee. “This should be interesting, but you can count on me. I raised you and I can raise another boy.”

Jake stood and hugged her. “I know, and thanks, but like I said, please don’t start making plans. We have to wait before we do anything. Now I have to find Mike and then go to the lab.”

“Will you be sleeping here tonight?”

He turned at the door. “I’m not sure.”

“You’ll be sleeping here,” she muttered under her breath as he walked out the door, Wags right behind him.

Wags missed him at nights, but there was no way he could take a dog to Elise’s. Elise didn’t even know he had a dog. So whenever he was at home Wags followed him everywhere he went.

JAKE TALKED TO HIS FOREMAN, Mike, to go over which cotton fields were scheduled to be harvested today. It was late September, one of the busiest times of the year, and he needed to be here, but he had no choice—he had to go. He had good people working for him so he left things in their capable hands.

The lab work was easy and simple, as Ms. Woods had said, a few minutes out of his day that could change the rest of his life. Driving home, he started toward Elise’s, then realized she’d already have left for the university. He should’ve called her this morning, but he wasn’t sure what to say. Maybe by tonight she would’ve cooled off and they could talk without tempers flaring.

When he got back to the farm, he picked up Wags and drove to the fields. Wags loved to ride in the truck with his head stuck out the window. The machines were already picking cotton, which would be stored in a module to be taken to the gin a little later. Right now the goal was to get the cotton out of the field. The corn had been harvested in July and so far he was having a good season. The weather was always a deciding factor in his business. It could make or break him.

His office was attached to a big barn that housed most of his farm equipment. After he checked with Mike and found they were on schedule, he headed there. Wags curled up at his feet as Jake tried to focus on paperwork that had piled up on his desk, but he couldn’t concentrate. He kept thinking about Elise. He wished he’d called her, then he’d know what kind of mood she was in and maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to get some work done.

At noon, his brother Beau stopped by. Beau was a lawyer, single with dark good looks that made him popular with women. They’d had very little contact when they were growing up. Beau was eight when Althea left and the battle lines had been drawn—Beau and their mother against Jake and their father. Joe McCain had refused to let Jake have anything to do with them and that was the way it stayed for years. When Jake was twenty-five, Joe passed away and Beau came to the funeral. He and Jake started talking, getting reacquainted. Since then, Beau had been on a crusade to bring Althea and Jake back together, but so far Jake had resisted all his efforts. He couldn’t forget the hurt she had caused him and his father.

“Hey, Jake,” Beau said, throwing himself down in a chair. “How’s business?”

Jake lifted an eyebrow. “Busy.”

“Yeah, I saw the machines in the field. Looks like you’re having a good year.”

“Yep, even the shortage of rain didn’t hurt. Irrigation took up the slack.”

Beau looked around the office. “It’s strange coming back here. I feel as if he’ll walk in at any minute and yell at me to do something. I was always frightened of him.”

“We have different memories of our father,” Jake replied with a somber face.

Beau eyed him speculatively. “Just like we have different memories of our mother.”

Jake leaned back in his chair. He didn’t want to discuss their parents; that was the past. He was more concerned with the present and Elise and the DNA test.

“What are you doing here, Beau?”

“Aunt Vin wanted some advice on her will. She’s leaving everything to you, which is no secret, but I think she just wanted to make sure I didn’t feel hurt. I told her that by the time she dies, she’ll have spent it all on bingo, anyway.”

“Yeah, it’s an obsession with her.” He glanced at Beau.

“Are you sure you’re okay with her decision? I tried talking to her, but—”

Beau held up a hand. “I’m fine with it, Jake. Besides, I’ve only gotten reacquainted with Aunt Vin in the past few years.”

Silence stretched for a moment, then Beau slipped in, “Aunt Vin said you slept here last night.”

Jake’s eyes caught Beau’s. “Don’t pry into matters that don’t concern you.”

“Ah.” Beau crossed his legs. “Something is wrong.”

It certainly was, Jake thought, but not in the way Beau meant. How much had Aunt Vin told him? Not much, Jake guessed; that was why Beau was fishing for information. Well, if the boy was his, it wouldn’t be a secret too long, but still, he wasn’t good at confiding and the last person he wanted to know was his mother. And he couldn’t trust Beau not to tell her.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Jake replied in a cool tone.

“Come on, Jake, I’m not stupid,” Beau kept on. “Something’s wrong or you wouldn’t be sleeping at the farm.”

“If there is, it’s between Elise and me.” He’d never told Beau why he and Elise had gotten married so quickly. His relationship with Elise was private.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop prying.”

“Don’t you have an office you should be in?”

“Sure do.” Beau stood. “If you need to talk, you know where to find me.”

“I won’t.”

Beau frowned. “Why do you have to be so hard and unforgiving?”

“That’s just me” was the quick answer.

“No, it isn’t. It’s just a front to hide your emotions.” Beau took a breath. “For God’s sakes, why can’t you talk to her?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why not? She’s your mother.”

“Not anymore.”

“Sometimes, Jake, you make me so angry.”

“Close the door on your way out,” Jake said, then went back to his paperwork.

“One of these days, Jake, you’re going to need someone, and I hope to God that person’s not as hard as you are.”

Jake tried to shut out Beau’s words, but he couldn’t. All he could remember was a ten-year-old boy who cried himself to sleep wanting his mother—a mother who’d deserted him without a second thought. That might be hard for Beau to understand, but he wasn’t the one left behind. Jake refused to see Althea under any condition; that was a vow he’d made to himself when she walked out of his life—the day she abandoned him to start a new life with Andrew Wellman. That kind of betrayal he couldn’t forgive and neither could his father. A heartbroken man, Joe McCain died way before his time.

Jake had never met his half brother, Caleb, the child of Althea and Andrew Wellman, nor did he want to. Caleb was now almost twenty-eight, but Jake still had no desire for any type of relationship. He realized that was a flaw in his nature, but he couldn’t get around it. The pain from the past was always with him, and even though Caleb had nothing to do with it, he represented part of that betrayal.

Jake reached for his hat. If he had a son, he’d never be able to walk away from him. He’d never do to a child what his mother had done to him—even if it meant losing Elise.

THAT EVENING JAKE DROVE TO Elise’s house, unable to stay away any longer. Her car was in the garage, so he knew she was home. At the door he started to pull off his boots, then changed his mind. He wasn’t doing that anymore. He wondered if he should knock but decided against that, too. He used his key, as always.

Elise was sitting on the bed staring at Derek’s picture but thinking about Jake. She’d thought about calling him all day but wanted him to make the first move. He was the one who’d created the turmoil in their lives, so he had to make it right. She heard the back door open and jumped to her feet. It had to be Jake. She glanced at herself in the mirror and straightened her blue suit.

“Elise,” she heard him call.

She slowly made her way to the living room. Jake was standing in the middle of the room with his hat in his hand. He wore his customary jeans, boots and cotton shirt and he looked so handsome. Just seeing him made her heart beat a little faster. Now he’d tell her that the boy wasn’t his and everything would be okay. They’d have their baby as planned.

“Hi,” he said softly.

She noticed him looking at her hair, which was pinned up. She wore it like that to work. She thought it gave her an added edge of maturity, but Elise knew Jake liked her hair down—he enjoyed taking it down.

“Hi,” she replied, her heart beating so fast now she could barely breathe. They had to resolve this situation; that was all she could think.

“We have to talk,” he said.

“Yes.” She sat on the sofa and he took a chair.

“I had the test done this morning,” he told her, placing his hat on the end table.

“But you still don’t have the results?”

“No,” he admitted. “But I need to tell you how I feel.”

Elise leaned back and grabbed a decorative pillow for support.

“My mother walked away from me when I was ten years old. I would never do that to a child. If the boy is mine, I have to take responsibility.”

God, she knew that. She knew Jake. This nightmare was not over.

“What about our plans for a baby?” She had to have an answer to that question. It had been with her day and night.

Jake drew a deep breath. “We have to wait for the test results before we can go any further.”

“Our lives have changed,” she had to say. “We have this tension that wasn’t there before.”

“Yes, and I apologize for that, but this has been a big shock.”

“I’m having a hard time dealing with it.”

“I can see that.”

“So where do we go from here?”

Jake swallowed. “If the boy is mine, you’ll have to ask yourself a big question. Can you raise another woman’s child?”

Another woman’s child.

Suddenly she felt a deadweight in her arms and fear clogged her throat, her senses, her thinking. How did she explain to him what she was feeling? She had a hard time understanding it herself.

Jake was taking in the expression on her face, looking like he’d been punched in the chest. He swallowed again. “I suppose the DNA test will decide our future.”

She stared at him. “Have you considered that I might be pregnant?”

“Yes,” he said, and looked away. “We’ll have to wait about that, too. So I’ll stay at the farm until this is resolved. It’ll give us the time we need.”

“Yes,” she muttered, squeezing the pillow so tight her fingers were numb.

He walked over and kissed her cheek. She felt cold and didn’t respond to his touch. How could she? He straightened and picked up his hat.

“I’ll call when I get the results.” Then he walked out of the room.

ELISE’S HAND WENT to her cheek. She could still smell his aftershave. She closed her eyes and her body started to tremble. Placing both hands over her stomach, she prayed a baby was growing inside her. If she had Jake’s baby, he’d come back. They would be together, but that didn’t make the other problem disappear. It only made things worse. God, she was losing her mind, just like her mother and sister, Judith, had said. And she was losing Jake.

She wiped a tear away and tried to understand what she was feeling. A little girl’s blue face swam before her eyes and that old fear gripped her, just as if it were yesterday. Then the memories came flooding back.

Her mother was getting ready for a party at the university. She was going with her friends, the Abbotts. Even though Elise’s father had passed away, her mother still had close ties to the university.

Mae Abbott called at the last minute in a panic because her baby-sitter had canceled. Elise’s mother had volunteered her for the job.

Elise was fifteen and didn’t know a thing about babies, but her mother gave her a list of instructions and told her it would be easy. Tammy was eleven months old and adorable and Mrs. Abbott had brought a playpen full of toys to occupy her. Elise fed her, changed her diaper and let her play while Elise lay on the floor reading. Engrossed in her novel she forgot about Tammy, then she heard her gagging. Elise jumped up to see what was wrong.

Tammy’s face was red and tears rolled from her eyes as she continued to gag. Elise picked her up and patted her back, but it didn’t work. Tammy turned blue and stopped breathing. Elise was horrified and didn’t know what to do. She shook the baby, turned her upside down, but nothing worked. Tammy was limp and unresponsive. Clearly there was something obstructing her breathing so Elise had no choice but to stick her finger down Tammy’s throat, trying to dislodge whatever it was. At first, she couldn’t feel a thing, so she rammed her finger farther into the baby’s windpipe and pulled out an object. Tammy coughed and started breathing, then wailing. Elise sat with her in a chair, both of them crying hard. That was the way her mother and the Abbotts had found them.

Mrs. Abbott was very angry and accused Elise of being irresponsible and negligent. Her mother had asked what Tammy had choked on and Elise opened her hand to reveal an eye from one of the large teddy bears in the playpen. The Abbotts whisked Tammy away to the emergency room and Elise’s mother told her to go to her room and to forget what had happened. Tammy had almost died because Elise hadn’t been watching her—there was no way she’d ever forget that.

Later, Mrs. Abbott had apologized and said she shouldn’t have sent the bear because she knew the eye was loose, but the damage had been done. Elise couldn’t stop thinking that she’d almost killed a baby. An innocent baby.

After that she avoided babies, her fear of them continuing through her teens, college and adult life. A lot of people gravitated toward babies, but Elise was just the opposite. Derek was the only person she’d ever told about her experience and her fear. For the first time someone made her understand it wasn’t her fault, and Derek had her actually planning the birth of their own baby. Then he died.

When she turned thirty-five, she began to have inner stir-rings—yearnings—and she found herself looking at babies, wondering what it would be like to be a mother. Derek had told her she would be a good mother and she believed him. She wouldn’t be scared of her own child; she would love it, care for it and protect it.

Her biological clock was ticking, the sound a silent alarm that kept reminding her time was running out. If she was going to have a baby, she’d have to do it, and soon. Somehow she reasoned that if she gave birth, she could forget that horrible day, finally put it behind her as Derek had told her. She would experience those nurturing, motherly feelings and prove she wasn’t a horrible person.

She got up and walked to the bedroom. How could she tell Jake that awful story? How she’d almost killed a child. He’d see her differently and she didn’t want to see the loathing in his eyes.

The little boy needed a mother. And he might be Jake’s son. Could she care for him? Be his mother? She honestly didn’t have an answer. All she could feel was the fear inside her, and before she could find an answer she’d have to tell Jake the truth. Derek had understood, but then Derek had loved her. Jake didn’t love her and it made this problem so difficult.

He’s just a little boy, though…. She swiftly closed that door. She wouldn’t open it. She couldn’t. Selfishly, painfully, she pushed those thoughts aside. Tomorrow would be brighter. It had to be.

THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS were difficult. Jake worked himself to exhaustion. He talked to Elise several times to see how she was doing and she was always happy to hear his voice. Still, their conversations were stilted and the waiting was getting to both of them.

Elise went through her regular routine of teaching and attending meetings, but Jake was never far from her mind. She was surprised she missed him so much. She missed his presence at night and she missed his company in the mornings. He always brought her a cup of coffee to wake her up; she enjoyed that and enjoyed what followed even more. She became angry every time she thought of how that had been taken away from her without warning. But she had to learn to cope, to deal with the situation.

She had a dinner engagement with her family at the club and came up with several excuses, but they all seemed lame. Besides, she had to get on with her life.

The club was busy and Elise spotted Althea Wellman and her family eating at a table. She purposely avoided them because she didn’t want to be asked questions about Jake. She hurriedly slid into a seat at her mother’s table and forced a smile.

“You’re late,” Constance Graham said before Elise could speak. Constance’s hair was blond, as was Judith’s, but now her color came out of a bottle. In her sixties, Constance was regal and proper and expected the very best of her daughters. Being late wasn’t tolerated.

“The husband not with you?” Judith asked in her catty way. “I’m not surprised. He’s never with you.”

Stan, Judith’s husband, spoke up. “Leave Elise alone. For God’s sake, she just sat down.”

“Thanks, Stan,” Elise said pointedly. “And it’s nice to see everyone, too.”

Constance patted her hand. “How are you, darling?”

“Fine,” she replied, gritting her teeth. Her family had that effect on her.

“Stan’s ordered wine,” Constance informed her. “Oh, here it comes now.”

The waiter poured wine into a glass and Stan tasted it. “Great, just great,” he murmured, and the waiter filled the glasses around the table.

Elise took a sip of wine. She was going to need it to muddle through the evening. Why had she come? She just wanted to be by herself. She didn’t like the way she was thinking or feeling these days and she couldn’t seem to do anything about it.

“I’ve had a horrible day,” Judith was saying. “I’m not satisfied with Duncan’s school and I can’t get through to his teachers. It’s like talking to robots.”

“He’s at a very good private school,” Elise said. “Their academic record is excellent.”

“There’s nothing wrong with the school,” Stan put in.

Judith turned in her seat to confront her husband. “Our son is not excelling the way he should. He has to be pushed. You’re too lenient. Why can’t you understand that?”

Stan shoved back his chair. “I need something stronger.” He headed for the bar.

“Oh, he makes me so angry,” Judith said, tipping up her glass. “He lets Duncan get away with anything. I caught them watching sports the other night instead of doing homework. I won’t have it. I won’t.”

“Calm down, dear,” Constance said. “We’re in a public place.”

Judith drank more wine.

“Duncan is eight years old,” Elise had to say. “He’s bright and energetic. I’m sure he’ll excel in anything he chooses.”

“I don’t need your advice, Elise.”

Normally Elise wouldn’t say anything to her older sister because when Judith was in a bad mood, it was better to leave her alone. But tonight she was out of patience. “Then stop giving me advice.”

Judith’s head jerked up. “And do you ever take it? No. You just had to marry that McCain man. Lord only knows why. Look at his brothers over there. They’re educated and respected in their fields, but you chose the farmer in the family. What were you thinking?”

“It’s my business,” Elise shot back.

“Yes,” Judith settled back with a smug expression.

“The business of making a baby. But has it happened? No. I think you should cut your losses and get out while you can.”

Anger bolted through Elise at her sister’s words. Judith didn’t even know Jake, but she’d judged him because of his profession. “I will thank you to stay out of my life.” She rose to her feet. “I’ll pass on dinner.”

Constance caught her arm. “Darling, no. Judith is just upset and not acting rationally, are you?” She looked at Judith. “I won’t have this kind of behavior at the dinner table.”

Judith waved a hand. “Okay, I’m just upset with Stan. I promise I won’t say another word about the farmer.”

“You just did,” Elise said heatedly, and walked away. She didn’t even pause when Constance called her name. Before she could escape, Althea stopped her at the door.

Althea was petite with short brown hair now highlighted with shades of gray. Her eyes were brown like her son’s.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but I was wondering how Jake is.” She asked the same question every time Elise saw her. Tonight she didn’t think she could take much more.

“He’s fine, Althea. Busy as ever,” she managed to say.

“That’s good. I just want him to be happy.”

“I really have to go,” Elise said, and hated that look in Althea’s eyes—as if she’d hurt her. “I’ll talk to you later.”

She quickly made her way to her car, resisting the urge to run. She wanted to go to Jake, to feel his arms around her and…what? She didn’t know anymore. All she knew was that she was falling apart and the worst wasn’t over.

JAKE WAS FINISHING FOR the day when the phone rang. He’d spent hours in the fields, making sure things were done to his specifications. He was dirty and tired and he longed for a shower and a change of clothes.

“Hello,” he said into the receiver.

“Mr. McCain, this is Ms. Woods.”

Jake immediately sat down. He had to, because he knew what the call meant.

“Yes.”

“I have the DNA results.”

“Yes,” he said again, and tried to swallow, but his throat seemed to be locked.

“You’re the father. The test is 99.9 per cent reliable. You can’t be any more positive than that. You’re definitely the father.”

You’re the father. You’re the father. You’re the father.

The room and Ms. Woods’s voice faded away, and he was alone with those words holding him in a mindless void of pleasure and pain. He was the father. He had a son. He now knew the truth, and the truth was a bitter sweetness that permeated his whole body.

“Mr. McCain? Mr. McCain?”

Jake finally heard Ms. Woods calling his name. “Yes,” he said.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m not sure, but I will take responsibility for my son.”

“I’m glad you feel that way. We offer counseling for you and your wife…to help make this transition.”

“Right now I just want to see my son.”

“First, I’d like to meet with you and discuss Ben.”

“Why? What’s to discuss?”

“Ben’s just lost his grandmother. He’s very confused and we have to take things slowly.”

“Yes, yes, I understand.”

There was a pause, then Ms. Woods asked, “How does Mrs. McCain feel about this? She was pretty upset the other day.”

“Does it matter?” he countered, not wanting to discuss Elise with her.

“Yes, it matters a great deal. At the hearing a judge will look favorably upon a couple having custody of Ben.”

“Hearing? What hearing?”

“Ben is a ward of the court, Mr. McCain. Sherry’s rights as a parent were severed long ago and Mrs. Carr had full custody. A judge will now review Ben’s case before awarding custody to anyone else. The court will do what’s in Ben’s best interests.”

“I’m his father. Doesn’t that mean anything?” It was the first time he’d said the words and they felt good. He had a son. Ben was his.

“Yes, that will weigh in your favor, but as I said, a judge will make the final decision.”

“Are you saying I might not get my son?” He suddenly felt nauseous.

“I’m saying that with your wife beside you, it shouldn’t be a problem. But from this conversation, I’m guessing she’s not supporting you in this.”

Jake couldn’t lie to her. “She’s having a hard time accepting the news.”

“I see” came the reply. “I’ll be in Waco at nine in the morning to discuss this. The address is on the card I gave you. We’ll talk about Ben and everything else. Maybe by the time the hearing comes around, your wife will feel differently.”

“Maybe,” he mumbled, but he felt she wouldn’t.

As he hung up, he didn’t think about Elise or Ben. He thought about Ms. Woods and their conversation. There was a note in her voice that bothered him. A hesitation—as if she was keeping something from him. But what?

LATER THAT EVENING JAKE DROVE to Elise’s house. He let himself in and saw her working at her computer in the study. When she saw him, she came into the living room, wearing black slacks and a cream knit top, her expression vulnerable. He wished he wasn’t about to shatter her world. He searched for words to tell her, but she took it out of his hands.

“You have the results, don’t you?”

“Yes,” he said quietly as his insides coiled tight.

She bit her lip. “Well?”

His eyes met hers. “I’m the father.”

“No, no!” She shook her head, not wanting to believe it, then saw that look on his face. “Oh, God.” She sank onto the sofa and linked her fingers together. “You’re the father.”

“Yes.”

“This changes everything.”

“Yes,” he said again.

Silence. Loud, heartbreaking silence.

He squeezed a question from his locked throat. “Can you raise another woman’s child?”

She raised her head. “I…ah…I’m not sure.” She needed to tell him now what she’d done. Maybe he would understand. Maybe…

“I want my own baby” came out instead.

“I’m aware of that, but I can’t walk away from my son. My mother did that to me and I will not do that to my child.”

They stared at each other, and the pain in her eyes tightened his stomach even more. “I’m sorry, Elise. I didn’t plan this. I would never intentionally hurt you.”

Tears rolled down her face. “But you have, can’t you see that? You’ve ruined our lives.”

Something in him snapped. She wasn’t even trying to see this from his point of view. She had only one thought in her head—herself and a baby.

“Yes, I’ve ruined your life, Elise, and I’d find all these tears and emotions easier to understand if you cared one iota for me. But I’m just a sperm donor to you. You’ve never considered my feelings or much of anything else where I’m concerned.”

She blanched. “What are you talking about?”

“Derek’s picture. How do you think it makes me feel to make love to you with his picture on your nightstand?”

“You never said anything.”

“My God.” He shoved both hands through his hair.

“Why should I have to say anything? You should’ve had enough consideration for my feelings to remove it.”

“You know how I loved him.”

“Oh, yeah, and I’m tired of hearing that, too. He’s dead and it’s time you accepted it.”

“Now you’re being cruel.” She buried her face in her hands, sobbing.

Jake inhaled sharply, but it didn’t keep the grief and anger from coming out. “And I don’t like living in your house. I’m afraid of getting something dirty or breaking a priceless heirloom. I’m a farmer and I have a house and that’s where I should be.” She looked up at him with her bottom lip trembling but still he didn’t stop. “You’ve never showed the slightest interest in seeing my home, my farm. That’s because you don’t care about me. The only thing you care about is having a baby.”

She stared at him through watery eyes. “That was our agreement—to have a child and raise it together. We never discussed the other things. I didn’t think they were important to you.”

“They are and you’ve stomped on my feelings long enough.”

“Then I think you’d better go.”

Some of his anger evaporated. He didn’t want it to end like this. He’d wanted to say so many things to Elise and everything had come out wrong and harsh. “I…ah…”

She gritted her teeth and took a deep breath, composing herself. “It’s okay, Jake. I’ll survive.”

No doubt she would, but he hated hurting her. “The social worker is setting up a meeting with Ben.” He didn’t know why he said that. It just seemed to slip out. Maybe he was hoping for a break in her demeanor, something to give him a sign that the marriage wasn’t over.

“I hope you’ll be happy with your little boy.”

Her head was bent and he couldn’t see her eyes, but he knew it took every bit of emotional energy she had for her to say that. It also told him that there was no hope for them. Ms. Woods had said his chances for custody would be better with Elise. Now he’d have to take his chances alone.

“If you want to file for divorce, I’ll sign the papers.”

Her eyes jerked to his. “Is that what you want?”

No, I want us to raise my son together. But he said, “Yes, it’s what I want.”

CHAPTER THREE

JAKE HAD TROUBLE SLEEPING. He kept seeing Elise’s face, the hurt in her eyes…a hurt he had put there. Not intentionally, but still, he was the cause of her pain. He sat up and slipped on his jeans, grabbed a T-shirt and shoes and headed for the door. Wags followed. Jake went straight to his workshop, which was off the garage. Wags settled in his spot by the door, watching Jake.

The smell of fresh-shaved wood clung to the air. As a hobby, Jake did woodwork and it was something he loved. He flipped on the light and strolled over to a baby’s cradle that occupied the middle of the large room. Elise had seen it in a magazine and he was planning to surprise her with it when she became pregnant. He drew in a deep breath and pulled up a chair, staring at the cradle. Wags trotted over and barked.

“I know, boy,” Jake said. “We’ll go to the house in a minute.” He couldn’t take his eyes off the cradle.

It consisted of round spindles connected to a half-circular base at each end. The crib swung from a sturdy stand. He had spent many hours doing the intricate pattern of flowers on the circular base and the stand. The spindles were rounded in the middle and smaller on each end. Mrs. Myers, a friend of his who sewed, was making the mattress and lining out of some of the finest cotton ever grown and he’d ordered lace from Italy as a finishing touch. The picture in the magazine was white, but Elise had said if the baby was a boy she wouldn’t want white, so Jake was waiting to paint or stain the crib. Now he didn’t have to worry. It would never be finished.

He pushed the cradle and it swung gently back and forth as “Rock-a-Bye, Baby” played. He’d had a hell of a time figuring out how to get the tune to play when the cradle rocked, but a visit to the electronics store solved his problem. It worked on the same principle as a music box. Now it was all for nothing.

Wags barked several times at the sound and Jake nodded his head. Glancing up, he saw the new wood stacked against the wall. He was starting on a baby bed next, to match the crib. A tremor of despair ran through him. For the first time he realized how much he wanted a baby…how much he’d planned for it, too. Letting go of that hope wasn’t easy for him, either.

But now he had Ben. Tomorrow he’d see his son for the first time and that filled him with new hope. It didn’t diminish the feelings he had for his and Elise’s baby; it just made the whole situation difficult.

What would he do if Elise was pregnant? He ran his hands over his face. He’d deal with that if it happened.

“Jake, what are you doing working so late?”

Jake turned to Aunt Vin standing in the doorway.

“It’s almost eleven,” she added, walking farther into the room. “I just got in from playing bingo and… Oh, oh, the cradle is beautiful.”

“Yes,” Jake said in a low voice.

Aunt Vin watched him for a moment. “What’s wrong?”

Jake clasped his hands together. “Ms. Woods called. I’m…I’m Ben’s father.”

“Oh, and from your expression I’m guessing the fancy lady isn’t taking this well.”

“No,” Jake admitted, seeing no reason to lie.

Aunt Vin clicked her tongue. “She wants a baby and God just gave her a ready-made one. What’s the difference? They all need love.”

Jake pushed to his feet and put his arm around her shoulder. “Yeah, and I’m going to give my son all the love I have.”

“So you’re raising Ben alone?”

“It looks that way.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be here.”

“Thanks, Aunt Vin.”

They slowly made their way to the house, Wags running ahead. “I guess we need to get a room ready,” she remarked.

“Let’s wait for a few days. I want to meet Ben first.”

“Okay.” Aunt Vin paused. “She’s not even going to meet Ben?”

“No.”

Aunt Vin shook her head and went to her room.

THE NEXT MORNING JAKE WAS UP early and drove into Waco to meet Ms. Woods. He found the building without any problem. She was in an office that consisted of a small space cluttered with filing cabinets and a desk.

She rose to her feet. “Good morning, Mr. McCain,” she said as she shook his hand. “Have a seat.”

Jake sat in a straight chair by her desk.

Ms. Woods clasped her hands across a large folder. “Mrs. McCain not with you?”

“No,” Jake replied, and to avoid answering uncomfortable questions he asked, “When can I see my son?”

Ms. Woods looked as if she was going to press the issue, but then said, “There are a few things we have to discuss first.”

“Like what?”

“Ben. I want you to be fully aware of his situation.”

He heard that note in her voice again and Jake knew something was wrong. “What situation?’ he asked carefully.

She opened the folder. “Ben has special problems.”

Jake’s chest tightened. “Problems?”

“As before, the only way I know how to do this is just tell you.”

“I wish you would.”

“Ben was a twenty-seven-week baby—a preemie—and he wasn’t breathing when he was born. The doctors worked with Ben and it took nine minutes before he could breathe on his own. He was then flown to Memorial Hermann hospital in Houston. He was basically in a comatose state and the doctors didn’t expect him to live. Sherry was supposed to make the trip to Houston a couple of days later, but she never showed up. That’s when the hospital called Children’s Protective Services. They had no one to contact if the baby died. We were able to locate Sherry’s mother and she immediately came to Houston. She didn’t even know Sherry had given birth.” She paused. “They fed him from an IV because he had no sucking reflex and he was getting oxygen to help him breathe. When Mrs. Carr arrived she was devastated at the sight of Ben, but she was a very religious person and wouldn’t leave Ben or give up on him. On the third day, Ben’s sucking reflex began. It was as close to a miracle as I’ve ever seen, but Ben had a long way to go. The doctors did test after test and ruled out several disorders, including cerebral palsy. Finally Ben’s diagnosis was developmental delay and his prognosis wasn’t good.”

“Developmental delay?”

“Yes. Ben does everything much slower than other children.”

The pain in Jake’s chest became so tight that it was unbearable.

“Mrs. Carr was Ben’s lifeline and she was determined that Ben would be a normal little boy. She lived in Bryan but she relocated to Houston so Ben could be near the hospital and doctors. At first Ben didn’t have the muscle tone to accomplish simple tasks. Mrs. Carr, under a developmental pediatrician’s guidance, began an exercise program for Ben. She massaged his arms and legs, even the inside of his mouth, to stimulate him. When she took Ben home, she continued the exercises. They took from three to four hours and she did them at least twice a day, but it was worth it. This little boy—who was supposed to be a vegetable if he lived at all—was able to roll over at ten months. At fifteen months he crawled and he took his first steps six months ago. Mrs. Carr was working on his speech and he was starting to say words and whole sentences, then…”

Ms. Wood stopped. “Irene was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and she died quickly. She was so busy caring for Ben that she didn’t take care of herself. She was devoted to Ben, I suspect mainly because she’d had such a disaster with her daughter.” She stopped again. “When you met Sherry at that hotel, she was supposed to be clean and working but, as you found, that wasn’t true. She also lied to you about birth control. Irene said Sherry was never able to take the pill and Irene worried about pregnancy all the time because Sherry’s boyfriend was a drug dealer. He was in prison when you met her. CPS hasn’t been involved in Ben’s case since Mrs. Carr was granted custody, but we’ve checked on him from time to time. When Mrs. Carr became ill, she contacted us. That’s the reason I’m here today.”

Jake listened to all of this in a state of shock, hardly able to believe what he was hearing. His throat burned with an ache he couldn’t assuage. His son had needed him and he hadn’t been there.

“Mr. McCain, are you okay?” Ms. Woods asked with concern.

“Yes,” he answered with difficulty. “Sherry…where is she now?”

“As I told you earlier, we don’t know. When Ben was about a month old, her boyfriend, Rusty, was released from prison. Mrs. Carr was in Houston with Ben and Sherry was in their Bryan home. The boyfriend went there and Sherry and Irene argued. Irene didn’t want him in her house and she was trying to get Sherry to return to Houston and Ben. Sherry came one more time to see him, then she left with Rusty. Two months later Irene got a phone call from the police. Rusty shot a woman in El Paso when a drug deal went bad. The Texas Rangers became involved and said they were in Mexico. Irene got several phone calls from various border towns, but they still haven’t been located.”

Jake frowned. “She just left with her boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

“How could she abandon her own son?”

“Mr. McCain, Sherry has had lots of problems since her father was killed in a freak accident when she was sixteen. He was the center of her world and she never recovered from it. She got in with a bad crowd, got into drugs. From what I understand, Mrs. Carr did everything she could to help her daughter, but Sherry was bent on a course of self-destruction.” She arched an eyebrow. “I’m sure you noticed some of this when you met her.”

“Yes,” he murmured. He recognized early that Sherry had problems he didn’t want to get involved with. He remembered her talking constantly about her father and how he understood her and her mother didn’t. But that didn’t explain how she could just leave Ben.

Jake stood on shaky legs. “I want to see my son.”

She was taken aback. “I’m not through, Mr. McCain.”

“There’s more?” he asked hoarsely.

“Yes. Ben has regressed since Mrs. Carr’s death. He’s stopped speaking, he falls often and he rarely smiles. So we have to handle this very carefully.”

“Please, I want to see my son,” he repeated.

“You will, I promise, but I wish you would listen to everything I have to say.”

“What else could there possibly be?” He was losing patience and could feel his tension building.

“You haven’t asked where Ben is.”

“I assume he’s in a foster home somewhere,” he replied.

“All the more reason for me to take responsibility for him.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why?”

“Mrs. Carr’s sister and her husband moved in when she became so ill. She wanted someone there for Ben.”

Thank God. At least Ben was with family. “I’m glad,” he said simply.

Ms. Woods picked up a pencil, then glanced directly at him. “Our office got a call this morning from an attorney. The Fosters have decided they want to adopt Ben and they’re filing for custody.”

“What!” His eyes burned into her.

“They’re very fond of Ben.”

“He’s my son,” Jake stated as if he needed to remind her of that.

“Yes, but Ben is comfortable with Peggy and Carl. He knows them and they know how to take care of him.”

Jake’s eyes narrowed. “Are you saying I might not get my son?”

“As I told you, a judge will make that decision, but I want you to be aware of this new development.”

He gulped in a breath at the injustice of it all and then anger quickly overtook him. It seemed as if they were conspiring to keep him from Ben, and he wasn’t letting that happen. He placed his hands on the desk and leaned in close to Ms. Woods’s face. “You came looking for me, lady, and you found me. I’m Ben’s father and I want to see him…now.”

“I have every intention of taking you to Ben,” she said crisply.

Jake straightened. “Good. Let’s go.”

Ms. Woods let out a long sigh. “I have to make arrangements with the Fosters. We can’t barge in on them.”

“Okay, make the arrangement.” He tried to remain calm.

“Mrs. Carr lived in Houston, as I told you, and that’s a four-hour drive. We may not be able to do it until tomorrow.”

Jake glanced at his watch. “I’ll be back at one. That’ll give you enough time to inform the Fosters that I’m coming.” He turned toward the door.

“Mr. McCain, I can’t—”

“One o’clock, Ms. Woods,” he said, and closed the door.

ELISE WAS HAVING A BAD morning. Her eyes were red and puffy and makeup hadn’t helped. She should have been at the university by now, but she couldn’t seem to pull herself together. Jake was gone and he wasn’t coming back; she couldn’t get past that and the hateful things he’d said.

She went into the closet to get her gray suit jacket and saw Jake’s clothes…a couple of pairs of jeans and a few shirts. He also had some socks and underwear in a drawer. In six months of marriage, that was all Jake had brought to her house. It was as if he’d been visiting her, and in a way she supposed he was. Now that visit was over. A shiver ran through her as she moved to the bedroom for her briefcase and purse. Picking up her purse she saw the magazines by the nightstand…magazines with articles on conception. She dropped her purse and gathered an armful and headed for the garage. She wouldn’t be needing them anymore. Jake was gone and so was her dream of a baby. She made three trips to dump the magazines in the garbage.

With the last few in her hands, she straightened to see Derek’s picture on the nightstand. Suddenly Jake’s words echoed through her head. “How do you think it makes me feel to make love to you with his picture on your nightstand? You should’ve had enough consideration for my feelings to remove it. You’ve never considered my feelings or much of anything else where I’m concerned.”

Oh my God. The magazines dropped to the floor at her feet as a fog lifted from her mind and she could see her insensitive actions clearly. Oh my God. Her legs trembled and she sank onto the bed. What had she done? Up until this very moment, she had never seen anything wrong with having Derek’s picture in their bedroom. And it was very wrong. She could see that now. Why couldn’t she before? Maybe she was more like her mother and Judith than she’d ever imagined, because the insensitivity of her own behavior bordered on cruelty. Yet Jake had never said a word until yesterday. Why not? He wanted a child as much as she did; that was the only reason that made sense. And now he had a child—a little boy named Ben. She wondered if Jake had seen his son. What was Ben like?

Tears welled up but she refused to cry. She couldn’t. She had a class to teach and she had to get moving, although her body wasn’t cooperating. All she could see was Jake’s face, and she knew she had to apologize. But how could she explain the mental fog she’d been in? By being honest. Years of grieving had clouded her thinking. Jake’s words had brought her to her senses.

She stood and turned Derek’s picture facedown. He was dead. She had to accept that, as Jake had said, and she had to get on with her life…a life without Jake…or a baby. She picked up her purse and walked toward the door, trying not to think about Jake. But she knew he’d be in her every thought.

JAKE THOUGHT THE SITUATION OVER. He now knew what Ms. Woods had been hiding—Ben was not a normal little boy. His mind reeled from the revelation and he tried to stay focused on the main objective. The Fosters wanted to adopt his son—a son who had problems, severe problems. As easy as that would make his life, he couldn’t even consider the possibility. Ben was his flesh and blood, and even though he’d need special attention, Jake would do everything he could to be the boy’s father. Because he was.

He decided he needed a lawyer. If he had to fight for custody of Ben, he’d need a good one. He drove straight to Beau’s office. Beau specialized in family law and Jake knew his brother could help him, give him some advice. He’d never been to Beau’s office, since Beau always visited him at the farm. They met for dinner every now and then, but other than that, they had very little contact. Jake knew that was his fault. He couldn’t face seeing his mother.

He located Beau’s office on the fourth floor of a tall glass structure. A young woman at the reception desk smiled at him as he entered.

“I’d like to see Beau McCain, please,” he said.

“Do you have an appointment?” she asked politely.

“No.”

She flipped through a book. “He has an opening on Friday at two.”

Jake frowned. “I need to see him now.”

“He’s with someone and—”

Her words faded away as Jake headed down the hall to find Beau.

“Come back here.” The young woman ran after him, but Jake didn’t stop. He heard Beau’s voice, tapped on the door and went in.

As he did, his stomach caved in with such force that it cut off his breathing. His mother was there talking to Beau. He hadn’t seen her in twenty-eight years—not since the day she’d left the farm and him behind. He’d made a point of not seeing her, of not having anything to do with her, and he’d succeeded until today.

Just like that, his childhood flashed through his mind, his mother reading to him, singing to him, kissing his forehead, patiently helping him with homework, and from out of nowhere the taste of her cinnamon rolls made his mouth water. Then just as quickly those good feelings slammed into a wall of pure pain—the pain of her betrayal—and that was all he felt. All he could remember.

“Mr. McCain, I tried to stop him.” Numbly the receptionist’s voice penetrated his mind.

“It’s okay, Cindy,” Beau said as he came around his desk. “I’ll take care of this.”

Jake wanted to turn and leave, but his feet wouldn’t move. When he was younger, he used to dream of things he’d say to his mother if he ever saw her again, but those words were locked away so deep, under layers of heartache and resentment, that he couldn’t dredge them up.

Almost in slow motion he watched his mother get up from the chair and walk toward him. The pain in his chest intensified and he was beyond thinking. Don’t speak to me, screamed through his head.

But her words came as soft and sweet as he remembered. “I was just leaving. It’s good to see you, Jake.” She stared at him a moment before walking out the door.

She didn’t look any older than she had years ago, Jake thought inanely, except for the gray in her hair.

Beau closed the door and glared at Jake. “Would it have killed you to say hello?”

Jake was still having a hard time finding his voice.

“When are you going to let go of the past?” Beau snapped.

Air swished back into Jake’s lungs. “Some things can’t be forgiven.”

“Like what?”

“Like a mother leaving a ten-year-old boy.”

Beau shook his head. “You have a convenient memory, Jake. You refused to go with us. Remember?”

He remembered it vividly. His mother begging and pleading with him, but his father had already told him what she’d done. She was leaving him for Andrew Wellman. “I remember a lot of things,” he said harshly.

“Do you remember Mom had custody and could have forced you to go, but she didn’t? She knew how much you loved the old man and how loyal you were to him. In the end, she couldn’t hurt you anymore. She let you stay and I don’t think she’s ever forgiven herself for that.”

Jake had had all he could take. “She chose to leave. I remember that. Or is your memory convenient, too?”

Beau threw up his hands. “What do you want, Jake? I’m tired of talking to a stone wall.”

Ben—he was here about Ben. For a paralyzing moment he’d forgotten that. Now he wasn’t sure if he wanted Beau to help him or not. Too much tension existed between them, and he needed someone willing to fight for him. Was Beau that person?

“Since you’ve never been to my office before it must be important,” Beau said, moving back to his desk.

“Yes, it is,” Jake admitted. “But I’m having second thoughts now.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s awkward.”

“I don’t feel awkward. Do you?”

Jake didn’t answer as he took the seat his mother had vacated. Awkwardness or tension didn’t matter. What mattered was his son. He told Beau about Ben.

Beau eyes widened. “You have a son?”

“Yes, and the Fosters, the people caring for him, want to adopt him.”

“How bad is Ben’s health?”

“I’m hoping to meet him this afternoon and determine that for myself. Ms. Woods is trying to set it up and from what she’s said, Ben needs lots of care and attention.”

“And you’re willing to do that?”

“Of course I am. He’s my son.”

Silence, then Beau asked, “And Elise?”

Jake swallowed. “She’ll be filing for divorce.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I can’t dwell on it. I have to move forward for Ben.” That was his one goal. As long as he had that, the pain wasn’t so bad.

“I have to be honest,” Beau said. “It would go a hell of a lot better if she was with you.”

“She won’t be.”

“Why not?”

“Dammit, Beau, I’ll be fighting for my son alone. That is all you need to know.” He wasn’t discussing his marriage with Beau or anyone else.

“Okay,” Beau muttered.

Jake’s eyes caught Beau’s. “What are my chances?”

“If Ben has severe problems and these people know how to care for him and he’s familiar with them, a judge’ll think twice before removing him from their home. Being the biological father carries a lot of weight, though. I’ll look up some case law and see if we can even the odds.”

“Thanks, but…”

“But what?”

Jake had trouble expressing what he felt. He cleared his throat. “I want what’s best for Ben and I feel that’s being with me, but I haven’t seen him yet. The Fosters might be able to give him more than I can. If that’s the case, I’ll have to leave him there.”

A slight grin tugged at Beau’s mouth.

Jake frowned. “Why are you smiling?”

“I was thinking that to do what’s best for your son, you might have to relinquish your claim on him—like Mom did with you.”

Jake drew in a long breath. “I don’t want to get into that again.”

“There’re two sides to every story, Jake. One of these days, you might want to hear the other side.”

Jake stood. “I’d better go. I want to be ready when Ms. Woods calls.”

“Call me after you see Ben and let me know your decision.”

“All I can think right now is that I want my son,” Jake said. “That won’t change unless Ben is in such bad shape that I’m unable to handle him. I don’t know anything about kids, but I’m willing to learn. I’m bracing myself for the worst and hoping I can be the father Ben needs. He may need more than me, though. That’s what I have to find out.” He moved toward the door. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Jake.” Beau stopped him.

Jake turned back.

“Give me the word and I’ll fight for you any way I can.”

They stared at each other, two brothers with different points of view bound together by blood—the most powerful connection in the world.

“Thanks,” Jake replied, and walked out.

CHAPTER FOUR

WHEN JAKE WALKED INTO the kitchen, the phone was ringing. He immediately picked it up. Ms. Woods’s voice came through, clear and impatient. “Mr. McCain, I’ve set up a meeting for four o’clock today. Is that fast enough?”

“Yes, thanks.” He felt a moment of relief.

“I’ll meet you at the office in Houston. The address is on the card I gave you. When you get to Houston, Mrs. Turner, head of our department, will want to explain the situation more fully.”

When were they going to stop explaining things to him and just let him see his son? “Fine,” he said.

“Try to get there a little after three. I know that’s rushing it, but—”

He cut her off. “I’ll be there, and thanks again, Ms. Woods.”

As he hung up, a sense of excitement ran through him. He was finally meeting Ben—his son—and he didn’t have any time to waste. It was already after eleven. He ran into his aunt Vin on the patio.

“Where’re you going in such a rush?” she asked.

Jake grinned. “To see my son.”

Aunt Vin patted his shoulder. “That’s wonderful. When will you bring him home?”

The grin left his face. “It’s a long story and I’m in a hurry. We’ll talk tonight.”

“I’ll be at bingo,” she shouted after him.

“I’ll talk to you in the morning, then.”

“Okay. Drive carefully.”

Jake made a stop at the barn to talk to Mike, to check if there were any problems he couldn’t handle. There weren’t. The machines were out of the fields and the cotton was stored in modules waiting to be taken to the gin. Wags jumped into the truck.

“Sorry, boy, you can’t go,” Jake said, pulling him out by the collar.

Wags whined in protest.

“You can ride with Mike and I’ll be home tonight.”

With Wags barking loudly, Jake climbed into his truck and within minutes he was on the highway to Houston.

He didn’t know what he’d find when he arrived, but as he’d told Beau, he was preparing for the worst. Ms. Woods hadn’t said Ben was mentally challenged. He was just slow. Did that mean the same thing? He wasn’t sure and it didn’t matter. Ben was his son and he’d love him no matter what.

Sherry crossed his mind and Jake wondered again how she could have abandoned her own son. He grunted. What was he thinking? Women abandoned children all the time—children who didn’t have anything wrong with them—like his mother had abandoned him. He still felt a queasiness in his belly from just seeing her. Beau had said there were two sides to every story, but he was wrong. His father had been a hardworking man who loved his family, and his mother had had an affair and become pregnant. She had destroyed a home and a family and Jake couldn’t see any other side than that.

Gently rolling hills, dense woods, farms and ranches flashed by as he drove through Hearne to College Station to Navasota and hit Highway 290 into Houston. The highway merged with Loop 610 South, and as he negotiated heavy traffic, that sense of excitement returned. He couldn’t stop thinking how much more thrilled he’d be if Elise was with him, but she wasn’t.

He wondered how she was. He’d purposefully tried not to think about her, which was impossible because she was always there at the back of his mind. Had she seen an attorney yet? Probably, he decided. What they’d shared was something basic to her. To him, it had developed into something much more.

He had been so shocked when she’d called and asked him out. He didn’t date women like Elise Weber—beautiful, educated and with an air of being untouchable. He preferred women who were soft and natural. Not that Elise wasn’t those things. She just seemed way out of his reach. That was his first impression, but then he got to know her and she was a completely different person. He responded to her warmth and vitality. They seemed to be able to talk forever. He wasn’t a guy who liked to talk, but with her it came easy.

He shifted uncomfortably as he realized Elise had been in control from the start. She knew what she wanted and she didn’t have any problem getting him. Hell, after that first date, he wanted her like crazy. Elise had been a big surprise in the bedroom. Her cool professorial facade disappeared into a warm, inviting woman, and that sensuality blinded him to the problems in their marriage. Her dead husband’s picture on the nightstand was a big example. So many times he’d resisted the urge to knock the damn thing to the floor, but he respected her enough not to do that. He kept waiting for her to remove it. That never happened. And it hurt. His feelings didn’t matter to her.

He didn’t have to worry about Elise, though. She’d be fine because her emotions weren’t involved—not the ones that counted, anyway. It bothered him that he’d hurt her, and it would be a while before he’d lose the feelings he had for her…if ever. She loved someone else and she’d told him that up front. That didn’t keep him from falling for her. But it kept him locked in a pain of his own choosing.

IT WAS TEN AFTER THREE by the time Jake found the office. This office was basically the same as the other, only much larger and there were people in the waiting area. He told the woman at the desk who he was and took a seat. In a few minutes Ms. Woods came out and he followed her into an inner office where an older, gray-haired woman sat at a desk. She stood and shook Jake’s hand.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. McCain,” she said. “I’m Gail Turner and I worked with Carmen on Ben’s case when his mother left him at the hospital.”

“Then you know Ben very well?” he asked, taking a chair by the desk.

Mrs. Turner resumed her seat and Jake had a feeling he was in for some cold, hard truths.

“Yes. After Mrs. Carr was granted custody, we checked on Ben for several months and saw that she was very capable of caring for him. We didn’t become involved again until Mrs. Carr called us two months ago. She knew she was dying and she asked us to locate Ben’s father.” She paused. “We weren’t aware until this morning that the Fosters want to adopt Ben. They knew we were searching for the father and they never gave us any indication that adoption was a possibility. But in all fairness I have to admit that they know Ben and his routine and they care for him deeply.”

Jake frowned. “Are you saying the Fosters would be better for Ben than me?”

“A judge will make that decision,” she replied coolly.

Same old line. “On your recommendation.”

“Well, yes, our recommendation will weigh heavily in the decision.”

Jake chose his words carefully. “So, Mrs. Turner, what you’re trying to tell me in not-so-subtle terms is that Ben would be better off living with the Fosters.”

Mrs. Turner clasped her hands on the desk. “Dr. Howard Ruskin, Ben’s doctor, a developmental pediatrician, feels very strongly that it would be detrimental for Ben to be moved out of his familiar surroundings at this time. After several visits with Ben, I have to agree with him. Ben’s taken a step backward because of Mrs. Carr’s death. I’m not sure how much he understands. All he knows is that his grandmother’s gone and he’s retreated into himself. The Fosters are working with him and I’m hoping to see some signs of improvement.”

“But you haven’t?”

“No. He was walking everywhere. Now he stumbles and falls. Mrs. Carr had him talking, but now he won’t say a word.”

“What does Dr. Ruskin say about Ben’s falling and refusal to talk?”

“That he’s grieving and needs some time.”

Jake’s stomach curled into a knot. “You mentioned you didn’t know how much Ben understood. What I’m asking is whether he’s mentally challenged.”

“At first the doctors thought so, but Mrs. Carr refused to believe that. The doctors also thought Ben would be a vegetable and Mrs. Carr proved them wrong. Ben was working on his ABCs and numbers and he was able to repeat them. Mrs. Carr felt he had the ability to learn. He just has to try harder, and I must admit I agree with her. The bottom line, Mr. McCain, is that we want Ben’s progress to continue.”

“I do, too.”

“That’s good.”

Something in her voice alerted Jake. His eyes narrowed.

“You’re not going to try to keep me from seeing Ben, are you?”

“Of course not,” she said. “You’re his father. You have every right to see him, and our goal, whenever possible, is to unite child and parent. But Ben’s case is very different.”

That told Jake more than he wanted to hear. They were pressing him to relinquish his claim on Ben. She hadn’t come out and said it, but it was there in her voice. He stood. “I understand the situation, Mrs. Turner, and now I’d like to see my son.”

“Sure,” she nodded. “Carmen will take you to the Fosters’.”

“One more thing,” he added before leaving. “I want Ben to know that I’m his father.”

Mrs. Turner glanced at Ms. Woods. “As I said, we’re not sure how much Ben understands.”

“I still want him to know—to feel that he’s not alone anymore.”

She seemed to hesitate, then nodded again. “It’s probably best.”

“Thank you,” he said, and left the room.

In the hall Ms. Woods said, “You can follow me over there if you like. I’ll bring my car around.”

Jake did as she asked and tailed her white Corolla through the busy Houston traffic. They made several stops for lights and finally turned into a residential area with brick homes and small landscaped yards. How did people live so close together? He’d grown up with lots of fresh air and space and he wanted Ben to grow up the same way, but it might not be a possibility. He had to prepare himself.

Carmen pulled into a driveway and he parked behind her. Jake glanced at the house. Very neat and clean, he thought, then realized she was waiting so he quickly made his way to the front door.

“Mr. McCain,” she said before ringing the bell. “I need to tell you that the Fosters are not pleased by this visit.”

“I’m not pleased that they have my son, but I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation. I hope they’ll do the same.”

She seemed to want to say more then changed her mind. She pushed the doorbell.

A slim, gray-haired man opened the door. Jake guessed he was somewhere in his fifties.

“Oh, it’s you,” he said gruffly.

“Yes, Mr. Foster, we’re here to see Ben,” Ms. Woods replied.

He opened the door wider and they stepped into the foyer. “This is Jake McCain. Carl Foster.” Carmen made the introductions.

“We know who he is, Ms. Woods,” a woman said as she joined them. She was also thin with graying blond hair. The expression on her face was unfriendly. Jake received that message loud and clear.

“This is Peggy Foster,” Ms. Woods murmured as if nothing had been said, then quickly asked, “Where’s Ben?”

“He’s in the den, but I won’t have him upset,” Mrs. Foster answered.

“We’re not here to upset Ben,” Carmen told her. “We talked about this and I thought you understood.”

“I don’t understand how he can have any rights where Ben is concerned,” Mrs. Foster snapped angrily.

Carl put an arm around his wife and led her to the kitchen. Ms. Woods didn’t say anything and Jake followed her into a large den. His eyes froze on a little boy sitting on a sofa with a pile of Lego blocks in his lap and a tattered teddy bear by his side. He held two pieces in his hands and was trying to fit them together. He looks normal was Jake’s first thought. He wore jeans, a T-shirt and sneakers like other kids. He was small for his age, though. And so thin.

Jake didn’t know what he was expecting, but at the sight of his son he felt as if the sun had burst open inside him, filling him with so much warmth that for a moment all he could do was absorb the wonderful feeling.

Ms. Woods sat beside the boy. “Hi, Ben.”

Ben didn’t answer. He kept fiddling with the plastic pieces.

“I brought someone to see you.”

Still no response.

“Ben, do you hear me?”

Nothing.

“I brought your daddy to see you.”

Ben slowly raised his head and stared at Jake. Jake’s stomach tensed at the sight of that precious face. Ben looked so much like the boy in Jake’s baby pictures, with his sandy brown hair and brown eyes. This was his son. The pain in his stomach shot straight to his heart. His son was waiting, but he couldn’t seem to move.

Finally, he took several leaden steps to sit by Ben. He tried to ignore the pain in his chest and concentrate on the pleasure.

Ben’s eyes followed him.

“Hi, Ben,” he said, his voice rusty.

Ben just stared at him.

Jake glanced down at the Lego blocks. “What are you building?”

No answer.

“It’s been a while since I played with these. Are you making a house? A car?”

Still nothing, but Ben’s eyes never wavered from Jake’s face.

“How about a tractor? I know a lot about tractors. I have several on my farm. Would you like to build a tractor?”

Ben held out a green Lego.

At the unexpected gesture, Jake felt exquisite joy. Ben was responding to him. He took the block, so desperately wanting to touch his son, to hold him. Instead he picked up several more and started working on a tractor. Ben continued to hand him pieces and Jake thought maybe Ben should help. “Okay.” He smiled. “Your turn.”

Ben tried to snap two green ones together, but couldn’t because he didn’t have them lined up correctly. Jake resisted the urge to help. In deep concentration, Ben worked until finally he’d figured out how to join the pieces.

“That’s great!” Jake gushed, feeling as if Ben had split the atom or something equally important.

After that, they continued fitting pieces together until they had a strange-looking tractor. “I don’t know, son, but I think I’ve forgotten the finer points of building a tractor.”

Ben held the model against his chest, his eyes huge.

“Next time I come to see you, I’ll bring you a toy tractor. Would you like that?”

Ben nodded.

Jake’s pulse accelerated. Ben understood what he was saying.

“Mr. McCain, it’s time to go,” Ms. Woods spoke up.

No. He couldn’t leave his son, but he knew he had no choice. He wanted to take Ben in his arms and hold him, but he was afraid it might frighten the child. It took all the strength he had to resist.

Jake got to his feet. “I’ll be back, Ben,” he said, and he noticed the look on Ms. Woods’s face. Surely she wouldn’t try to keep him away from Ben.

The Fosters came into the room and Jake and Ms. Woods left. Outside, Ms. Woods said, “I wish you hadn’t told Ben you were coming back.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s a very sticky situation.”

“And it will get stickier if you deny me access to my son.”

“I’m not doing that,” she insisted.

Jake raked a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I’m a bit overwhelmed at the moment, but I want to spend as much time as I can with my son. I realize, though, that I have to clear that with you.”

Carmen relaxed. “Yes, and I appreciate your cooperation.”

He drew a hard breath, trying to be patient, accommodating, anything to gain time with Ben. “I don’t understand what the Fosters have against me. Why wouldn’t they encourage a connection to Ben’s father?”

“They’re still dealing with Mrs. Carr’s death, so please try to be understanding and respect their privacy.”

Jake tilted his head up toward the smoky blue sky. It was the middle of October and fall was in the air with a robust feeling of cooler temperatures. They wanted him to understand. Did they realize what it was like for him? To have his whole world torn apart? Then be expected to let strangers raise his boy—his own flesh and blood. “When’s the hearing?”

“A date hasn’t been set, but since you’ve been located, we’re expecting it to be soon.”

“Then CPS will tell a judge who should raise Ben?”

“Yes.”

“How can you do that when you’re hesitating to give me time with Ben?” He held his hand up when she started to speak. “You don’t know if I can take care of my son or love him or nurture him. You can’t write an honest report unless you give me a chance.”

“This would be so much easier if you and your wife weren’t separated.”

Jake was taken aback. “Are you saying I can’t take care of my son because I’m a man?”

“I’m saying Ben needs a loving, stable environment and I’m not sure you can provide that.”

“I see,” he said slowly. “Then there’s only one recourse left.”

“What’s that?”

“To show you that I can provide that.” He moved toward his truck. “I’ll be back tomorrow. Set it up. Same as today.”

“Mr. McCain, that’s very arrogant and I—”

“Do it,” he interrupted. “I’ll wait for your call.”

Jake drove away feeling as if he’d won this battle, but the war was far from over. There was no doubt that he wanted his son. All those fears inside him had dissipated when he saw the face of his child. Now he’d fight for him, because Jake knew in his heart what was best for Ben—to be raised by his father.

He had to learn about Ben’s medical problems, how to care for him. That would take time, but he could do it. He felt confident about that now.

THE DRIVE HOME WAS LONG but he hardly noticed. He thought about Ben…and Elise. She kept intruding even though he tried not to think about her. He wanted to tell her about Ben, to share this with her, but that wasn’t going to happen, so he’d better get accustomed to the idea of being a single father.

As he neared Marlin, his cell phone rang. He picked it up and heard the voice that had been humming through his head.

“Jake, it’s Elise,” she said. “You left some things and I have them ready for you to pick up.”

Getting rid of all the evidence that he’d ever lived in her house, he thought, but he replied, “I’m not far from your place. I can stop by now and get them.” He was such a glutton for punishment. He was closer to the farm than he was to her place. Why didn’t he tell her to throw the things out? He didn’t need them. Still, he didn’t like the way they’d parted and he hoped they could end the marriage amicably. Maybe this was his chance to do that.

“Oh, that’s fine,” she was saying. “I’ll see you, then.”

As he clicked off, he wondered if she’d done anything about a divorce. He couldn’t help thinking, though, that a divorce was the last thing he wanted. Not today—not ever.

SHE’D DONE IT, ELISE TOLD herself. The clothes were just an excuse to see him, to talk to him. She wasn’t uncaring and insensitive to his needs and she had to tell him that. Most importantly, she had to apologize about the photo.

She ran into the closet and gathered his clothes. A fragrance tempted her nostrils and she paused for a moment. Aramis. One day when she was shopping she’d bought the cologne for him, not sure if he’d like it or not, but he had and she now associated that scent with him.

Shaking her head, she put everything in a bag, even his items from the bathroom. When Jake took those, his presence would be gone from the house. She sank onto the bed. No, it wouldn’t, she had to admit to herself. So many feelings were struggling to surface, but she couldn’t let them. The past and the emotions connected to her fears and anxieties kept her bound. But through the mental block one thing rang true: she had to see Jake.

The doorbell buzzed and she jumped. Jake was here.

CHAPTER FIVE

WHEN JAKE STEPPED INTO the foyer, Elise felt almost out of breath. The foyer wasn’t small, but suddenly the confines of the entry overwhelmed her…or was it Jake?

“Hi,” he said, and her stomach trembled at the warmth in his voice.

Her eyes met his. “Hi.”

“How are you?”

She tucked her hair behind her ears and walked toward the living room—to put some distance between them and to sort through her emotions. “Fine,” she lied. “Your things are in here.” She picked up the bag and handed it to him.

He took it and asked, “Could we talk for a minute?”

“Sure,” she replied, sitting on the Queen Anne chair and slipping her bare feet beneath her. She was glad he’d asked to talk. It made what she had to say easier.

He sat on the sofa. “Have you seen a divorce lawyer yet?” he asked.

She shook her head. “No, I haven’t gotten around to it.” She wondered if he could hear the hesitation in her voice.

“Let me know when you do.”

I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want a divorce. I want a baby…and I want you. The words ran through her head but she couldn’t say them. Something inside her wouldn’t allow her to do that, and she knew what it was—fear. Despite this, she had to find a way to tell him.

She smoothed the front of her pants. “I have to apologize.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“You were right. It was insensitive of me to leave Derek’s picture on the nightstand. I shouldn’t have done that and I’m sorry.”

Jake was dumbstruck. He’d never expected her to admit that. She kept the man on a pedestal, and she wanted the world, including Jake, to do the same. He cleared his throat. “Thanks, and it was insensitive of me to bring it up when I did.”

“You were angry and you had a right to be.”

He didn’t know where this was coming from and he didn’t want to say anything that would hurt her more.

“Maybe,” he admitted grudgingly.

She raised her eyes to his. “I do care about you. You were wrong when you said I didn’t. I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me otherwise.”

“From the start I knew you could never love me. You were still in love with your dead husband, but I wasn’t asking for your love—just your consideration.”

She bit her lip, his confession obviously cutting deep. “I guess my mother and Judith were right, which I never like to acknowledge, but I’ve been obsessed with having a baby. I couldn’t think about anything else. It took over my life, my thinking, my reasoning…and my treatment of you.”

“Elise—”

She broke in. “I took all the magazines on conception and childbirth and threw them in the trash.” She blinked back a tear. “It’s so hard to let go of that dream, but I realize now that I’m not ready for a child. I just got carried away with the thought.”

“How do you know you’re not ready for a child?” he asked, puzzled.

“If I were, I’d be able to accept your little boy, to love him, to be his mother—but…”

Jake’s heart stumbled, and he realized he’d been hoping she’d change her mind. That hope was now gone.

“Please don’t think I’m heartless,” she begged. “I wish I could explain to you how I feel, how…”

What was she trying to tell him?

“It’s okay,” he assured her. “It’s a tough situation.”

They were quiet for a moment. Jake wasn’t sure what to say to her and the words slipped out before he could stop them. “I saw Ben today.”

“I’m glad.” She had to squeeze the words past her lips.

Jake wanted to tell her everything, but he could see she was uncomfortable talking about Ben. So he had to let it go…and he had to let Elise go.

He stood. “Thanks for the apology. It means a lot. Now I’d better leave because I have to be up early to make the drive to see Ben again.” He moved toward the door, then turned back. “If you’d like to meet Ben, just call me. It might change the way you feel.” Why had he said that? He had to make her aware that option was still open to her—to be a part of his life…and Ben’s.

“It won’t,” she said quietly.

Jake walked out the door, feeling as if he’d just been sucker punched.

ELISE BLINKED BACK TEARS, refusing to cry. She couldn’t do that anymore. Getting to her feet, she noticed the bag on the floor. Jake had forgotten his things. She grabbed them and ran for the front door in time to see Jake’s tail-lights disappearing out of the driveway. She carried the bag to the closet. She’d call him tomorrow. No, she wouldn’t. She couldn’t see Jake again, it was too painful. She’d give the things to Beau and he could take them to Jake.

Jake’s cologne wrapped around her and a whimper left her throat. Why was this so hard? Why couldn’t she just tell him the truth? She’d planned to, but looking into his warm eyes she couldn’t tell him that she’d almost killed a child with her negligence. She was so afraid of taking responsibility for a child that wasn’t her own, so afraid of hurting his little boy. She shook her head and made her way to the bedroom.

She saw Derek’s picture turned down on the nightstand and picked it up. Derek was the only one she could talk to. He understood her and loved her unconditionally. Staring down at his loving face, she knew why she kept his picture on display. She never wanted to forget Derek, and if she saw him every day, she wouldn’t. She closed her eyes as reality spun its truth. Despite having just looked at the picture, she didn’t see Derek’s face anymore. Jake was all she could see. She wasn’t sure how that had happened. But it had.

Derek and Jake were so different. She’d met Derek in college. They’d been friends first and then study partners because they both loved American literature. One evening as they were studying for an exam, Derek had said, “If I asked you for a date, would you go?” She didn’t have to think twice. She answered “Yes” immediately. A few dates later he’d asked, “Do you mind if I kiss you?” Derek was kind, considerate and gentle. His lovemaking was the same, and she’d never wanted any other man in her life.

Until she met Jake.

He was so completely different…or maybe it was the different effect Jake had on her emotions. From the first moment she saw him, she thought he was handsome and sexy and she harbored risqué fantasies about him, which shocked her, then excited her and made her feel alive and feminine again. She’d never realized how much she needed that. She found herself acting on unusual impulses…like dreaming of babies and marriage. Their sex life was unlike anything she’d ever imagined. It was so much more. Derek had been gentle and affectionate, but Jake was passionate and fiery, and when they got into bed she wasn’t just lying there being made love to—she was a partner giving and taking until she heard herself moaning with pleasure. She wasn’t shy with Jake. She was actually bold and daring and she enjoyed discovering that part of her nature.

She felt as if she’d betrayed Derek because Jake touched a part of her that her first husband hadn’t. She and Jake had connected in a special way—the way a husband and wife should. And now it was over. All because of her.

She stood, opened a drawer and placed Derek’s picture inside. That part of her life was over, too. The years stretched lonely and empty before her, unless she could talk about it. Share it. No, she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t tell Jake she’d almost killed a child. He’d think she was a terrible person.

But then she was a terrible person. She was letting her teenage phobia control her, allowing her to reject a three-year-old boy who needed a mother. That made her the worst kind of woman—a woman without maternal instincts. A woman who was only capable of caring for a child if he was her own flesh and blood. The pain ripped through her and she let it. She didn’t try to rationalize it or to disguise it. She deserved it.

JAKE REACHED THE FARM, feeling numb inside and trying to come to terms with the ending of his marriage. He hadn’t eaten but he wasn’t hungry.

He walked into the kitchen and stopped short. Beau was sitting at the table feeding Wags some doggy treats.

“What are you doing here, Beau?” he asked as he pulled up a chair.

“Feeding that hungry dog of yours. You should feed him more often.”

“Wags is always hungry,” Jake commented. “He spends a lot of his time chasing rabbits out of the cotton fields and he burns up a lot of energy trying to catch one.”

Wags rested his face on Jake’s thigh while Jake stroked him. “Wags is a good dog.”

Beau appeared thoughtful. “There’s a woman who lives in the condo next to mine and she adopts every stray she finds. She found a cat and was nursing it back to health. I agreed to keep it at my condo while she was out of town. I’m not too fond of cats, but I enjoyed this one and all her antics.”

“Animals are good company and friends.” Jake continued to rub Wags and the dog’s tail beat a steady tattoo on the floor.

“Actually I prefer the human female variety for company.”

Jake did, too. He preferred Elise and…

The silence stretched, then Beau asked, “How did it go with Ben?”

Jake ran both hands over his face and knew he had to talk to someone or he’d explode. “I saw him, Beau, and he was the most beautiful sight.”

“Then he’s not hooked up to machines or anything?”

“No, he seems like a normal three-year-old except he’s small and thin.” Jake glanced off to the blue ceramic cookie jar of his mother’s. She’d left it behind just like she’d left him. As a kid, he remembered dragging a chair up to the counter and stealing a cookie. Would Ben ever be able to do that? He cleared his head of such thoughts.

“He was sitting on a sofa playing with Lego blocks,” he continued. “He had a difficult time making the pieces fit but he tried and tried, and his eyes lit up when he did. Even though he didn’t speak, he kept watching me. They don’t know how much he understands. I think he understood that I’m his father, though.”

“Did you tell him you were?”

“Ms. Woods did,” Jake explained. “I asked that he be told.”

“Good for you.” Beau paused. “Can Ben walk?”

“They said he can, but he stumbles and falls, especially since Mrs. Carr’s death.”

Beau leaned forward. “Why did CPS contact you now?”

“Mrs. Carr was dying and asked them to find Ben’s father. I told you that.”

“Yes, I know, but why didn’t they contact you when Sherry basically abandoned Ben? Your name was on his birth certificate. Isn’t that what you said?”

Jake got to his feet and paced back and forth. “Yes…yes it was. God, I’ve been so consumed with the fact that I have a son that I never thought of that. Why did they wait so long to find me?”

“That’s a good question and one that bears answering.”

“I will definitely talk to Mrs. Turner tomorrow.” Jake went on to tell Beau how he felt that the caseworkers wanted the Fosters to have Ben. “Mrs. Turner said it would be detrimental to Ben’s health to uproot him.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“I feel like they’re not giving me a chance,” he answered. “Ben and I need to spend time together—to form a bond. I was adamant about seeing him again tomorrow and they’re supposed to let me know.” He looked at Beau.

“Can they keep me from him?”

“No,” Beau replied. “I’ll give Mrs. Turner a call tomorrow and make her aware of a few facts.”

Jake held up a hand. “No, don’t do that just yet. Let’s see if they try to keep me away from Ben. A judge will make a decision on who gets custody of him, and right now it’s looking like it’ll be the Fosters. I have time to convince them otherwise.”

“And Elise?”

Jake’s head jerked up. “What about Elise?”

“She still filing for divorce?”

Jake stiffened. “Yes.”

“Damn,” Beau said. “This would be a lot simpler if you were together.”

“Well, we’re not,” Jake said shortly. “And I don’t understand why everyone thinks that because I’m a man I can’t properly care for my own son.”

“Because women give birth and they’re the nurturers,” Beau informed him. “Every judge, whether male or female, recognizes that.”

“I can take care of him. I know I can.” Tears stung his eyes. He hadn’t cried in so long, he thought he’d almost forgotten how. But he wouldn’t cry for Ben. He’d fight for his son…without Elise.

Beau moved restlessly at Jake’s disquiet, then asked, “How did you and Elise get together? It was a known fact around the club that no one was to come on to her because she was still in love with Derek Weber. The few men who tried still have frostbite. Then I hear my brother’s actually married her. What was it? Opposites attracting?”

“Sex, Beau, that’s what it was,” Jake replied before he could help himself. “I enjoy it and so does she.”

Beau frowned. “You’re being crude.”

“And you’re being intrusive and nosing into matters that don’t concern you,” Jake shot back.

Beau held up both hands. “Okay, I get the message.”

“I’m sorry,” Jake apologized, realizing he was being curt for no reason. “I’m not discussing my marriage. That’s between Elise and me.”

Beau watched him for a second. “Is there any chance she’ll come around?”

“No.” That one word sent a chill to his heart.

After a pause, Beau said, “This is a bit ironic and the similarity might escape you, but your attitude toward Caleb is about the same as Elise’s to Ben.”

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